Now accepting applications

Sometimes as a single mom I get very overwhelmed with my day to day responsibilities and often feel like my head might explode. So in order to prevent my children from seeing this horrible catastrophe, you know...the one of my head exploding, I am on the mad search for a Household Assistant of my own. For those of you that think you might be interested in this position that, by the way, does not pay well…or at all for that matter, I have jotted down a few of the qualifications below…

Overworked, overwhelmed single mom is currently on the look out for a Household Assistant to oversee all of life's responsibilities that said overworked, overwhelmed single mom finds to tasking and/or time consuming, or for that matter, just plain monotonous to handle. The ideal candidate should be looking for an opportunity to make my life easier, and let’s face it…there are many people out there looking to make my life easier…because the world revolves around me, right? Anyway, the ideal candidate would work very close with overworked, overwhelmed single mom to ensure that she does not go crazy, loose her mind, take a liking to binge drinking, or do anything that would result in a visit from Child Protective Services. Duties and responsibilities WILL change day to day.

Responsibilities to include but not limited to:

HOUSEHOLD
•Dishes…all day everyday. Duties would included washing the never ending pile of cups that seem to accumulate in my house. Cups that have been used for one sip of water and one sip of water only…cups that have been used to dig holes to China in my backyard and cups that have been used to house lightning bugs, worms, and baby frogs.

•Hunting down that annoying smell coming from my refrigerator and removing source of said smell.

•Car…removal of sucker remains surrounded by crushed up bits of cereal of some sort, cleaning the sticky goo from the floors of the back seat, daily removal of the crap that an 8 year old and 6 year old seem to accumulate in the five minutes they are in the car, and constant wiping of hand prints from the inside and outside of said vehicle.

•Laundry…massive amounts of garments that probably have been worn for less than five minutes at a time, but in the eyes of an 8 year old and 6 year old are considered dirty after they have been on the body for more than one minute. Constant removal of “little boy smell” from all garments that have been worn while playing outside on a hot summer day. Put away the never ending amounts of clean laundry that don't seem to make it back into the closet or dresser.

•Bathroom…No need to worry about cleaning toilets as household has a 6 year old that begs to clean toilets and if I might add, does a pretty darn good job of it! With that being said, hazardous pay will be given should the successful candidate manage to figure out why the floor surrounding said toilets can never stay clean.

THERAPIST

•Teaching 6 year old how to not break out in massive bouts of crying every time something doesn’t go as planned.

•Teaching 8 year old how to not make me feel guilty for every single thing, big or small, that doesn’t go his way.

•Learning to read the minds of said 8 and 6 year olds, since this would be the only logical way to prevent such crying fits and moments of guilt.

DIETITIAN

•Convincing 8 year old that there is more to dinner than chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, and hot dogs.

•Stocking freezer with carefully thought out balanced, pre-made meals that represent all food groups, not just the food groups that include chicken nuggets, hot dogs, and grilled cheese.

•The creativeness needed to convince 8 and 6 year olds that fruits and vegetables are healthy, good for you, and in fact do taste good.

MEDIA GURU

•Viewing and discussing with overworked, overwhelmed single mom all definitive cultural specimens such as Harry Potter, Star Wars and Transformer movies as well as a shitload of other cultural phenomenons that overworked, overwhelmed single mom has never seen and cannot place when brought up in normal adult conversations.

•Uploading overworked, overwhelmed single moms iPod that has had the same 300 songs since its purchase almost two years ago.

•Having the energy to locate charger for 6 year olds iPod that has had no charge for over a month. Honestly, does he have to ask me every night to charge his iPod?

HOMEWORK GURU

•Must be able to complete massive amounts of homework in less than 30 minutes a night, after all, that is as long as it SHOULD take…I emphasize should!

•Must have the patience to sit and listen to 8 year old read fifteen minutes a night…I know it doesn’t sound like much, but depending on the book…this fifteen minutes could seem like hours.

•Must be creative enough to “develop” fun homework assignments for 6 year old who complains every night that he doesn’t get to do homework.

•Developing all long term, time consuming homework projects that were brought home on a Monday and due on a Tuesday, but issued weeks before.

ACQUISITIONS MANAGEMENT

•Purchasing ALL holiday gifts for a range of people, including but not limited to an ex-husband (or boys father as I like to refer to him) and many inevitable people, who I will not name, who give overworked, overwhelmed single mom a gift, and don’t ever expect one in return, but because overworked, overwhelmed single mom is so overworked, and overwhelmed, feels guilty, and thinks a return gift must be purchased.

•Shopping for clothes for 8 and 6 year old boys on a very minimal budget.

•Finding overworked, overwhelmed single mom a non-asshole, for dating purposes.

•Sourcing a household management system for all closets that does not require overworked, overwhelmed single mom to drill any holes in the walls, do any measuring or leveling of any kind.

QUALIFICATIONS

•Must take direction well without bitching, moaning or complaining about anything.

•Must be able to manage multiple tasks while listening to 8 and 6 year old fight about who is going to be Ben Rothlesberger and who is going to be Peyton Manning.

•Must be able to tolerate the grumpiness of overworked, overwhelmed single mom without rolling your eyes, losing your cool, or swearing under your breath.

No need to send in a cover letter or resume. It’s easy…all you have to do is magically appear on my front doorstep. You will be greeted with a big smile, granted entry into my magical kingdom and put to work immediately.

Salary for this position is undetermined at this moment. It will not only be based on candidates willingness to appear on my front porch but it will also be determined on overworked, overwhelmed single moms status with the lottery. As of now things don’t look good, but once overworked, overwhelmed single mom purchases her first lottery ticket, I’m sure payment will be right around the corner for said candidate. The perfect candidate my be asked to purchase said lottery ticket for overworked, overwhelmed mom.