I've got a playdate with destiny

I think I mentioned before that I have been working through a 30 day renewal program. Well, it has officially become a 45 day program, life kind of got in the way. It was a gift I bought myself for my birthday. I hit 40 and BAM…I felt a crisis coming along. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life and I was scared that I didn’t know how to get where I wanted to go.

I had just broken up with my therapist and quickly felt my world crumbling around me, but I couldn’t go back to him for advice. Oh no, I had to prove to him that I learned a lot over our years together and I could survive life without him.

I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on him and his guidance.

It was kind of scary!

So I took the bull by the horns and started this renewal program. And can I say WOW! It has really opened my eyes up to me. It kind of pisses me off that my years of expensive therapy never brought me to this realization. But it is what it is. Maybe my therapist was telling me this all along and I just didn’t get it.

Don’t judge me, I was never a super smart girl in school. But I sure did have fun!

I hope to write a few posts in the future about the realizations I have come to in this 45 day process. But to put them all in one post would be confusing and quite frankly, downright boring!

So today’s focus is the eye opener I had regarding my personal life.

One of the days throughout this process we had to answer two questions: First, write about a time in your life that made you feel wonderful or joyous, and second, write about a time in your life that made you feel sad, unhappy or frustrated. Both times I wrote about experiences I had with the only two men I have ever been in love with.

Then we had to compare and contrast our answers.

This is where my light bulb moment came into play.

When I was answering the questions I talked about how the Ex made me feel when he asked for a divorce and compared it to my relationship with Mr. Jackhole and how he made me feel throughout. Of course, there were two totally different sets of feelings, sadness and frustration in one, and happiness, and self confidence in the other. However, the end result for both relationships was hurt, sadness and tremendous pain for me.

And there-in lies the light bulb moment.

I believe the reason I cannot find Mr. Right is because I am scared of being hurt by someone again. Therefore, I don't open myself up completely to the person I am spending time with.

I have recently been spending some time with and chatting with the Hot Fireman again. I love our time together even though it is very rare. I love it when he texts me and I know he is thinking about me. I love the way he makes me laugh and feel. I love it when I make him laugh. We just always seem to have fun together. I definitely love spending as much time with him as I can.

But the last time we hung out, he made a comment early on in our time together that I seemed nervous. I wasn’t nervous, persay. I think I was more scared than anything. Scared of what could happen if we continue to chat and spend time together. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart get involved. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart take control of the relationship instead of my head.

You see, I continue to believe that if my head is in control then there will always be a “safe” distance between us. What scares me is that moment that I lose control and let my heart overpowers my head.

The trick has become trying to find an even balance between the focus of my head and the focus of my heart at the same time. You know, kind of like when you were a kid and you tried to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time. (ok…stop for a moment and try it…go ahead…you know you want to)

Great, now that you got that out of your system, let’s try to focus again.

I’m almost done.

The trick to patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time is to keep moving your attention, rapidly, from one hand to the other and back again. If you don’t you wind up either rubbing or patting both your head and your belly. In other words, sacrificing one for the sake of the other.

Just like that silly little game, I realized that in order to not focus on the potential of a hurtful outcome with the Hot Fireman, I need to readjust my thinking and rapidly move my focus from my heart to my head and back again at all times when it comes to our relationship. Otherwise, I will end up sabotaging what could possibly be a great thing in my life.

Make sense?

I LOVE LIGHT BULB MOMENTS!

Lions and tigers and bears...oh my!

I’m scared of stupid things.

Things like snakes, spiders and men who post shirtless pictures of themselves online. Snakes and spiders I can deal with now, although I wouldn’t want to find them sharing a bed with me or anything drastic like that, but I know they are God’s creatures and I should love them. At least that’s what I tell myself when I see them in places I know they shouldn’t be.

On the other hand, men who post shirtless pictures of themselves online, they have always scared me and to this day still scare the crap out of me. It’s a fear I will never grow out of. And I hope to God I don’t find them sharing a bed with me either.

Now, over the years, as I have become more independent I have realized that there are things in my life that used to scare me but don’t anymore.

Things like…

Dying. I know who I am, I know what I believe and I know where I’m going…enough said!

What people think of me. I don’t care anymore. I am who I am. I know what I want. I know what I deserve.

Being alone. It is so much better being alone than it is to be alone in a relationship.

My future. For the first time in a long time, I’m excited to see how the next 40 years of my life play out.

Getting old. As long as I do it gracefully, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. It is what it is. I can’t control it. And I refuse to take any drastic measures that could have me looking like either of these women from the Real Housewives of Miami.




Being a strong independent woman. I have been told by men in my recent past that me being a strong independent woman is sometimes intimidating. But I don’t care anymore, I’m not going to conform. I like who I am. I’m not a wet noodle and I’m not looking for a wet noodle.

Being single. It’s ok. I don’t have to answer to anyone, well except my kids, but those are usually answers that I can handle.

Shopping for a bathing suit. Again, I don’t care anymore what people think of me anymore or how I look. No BODY is perfect and I am learning to love me and mine.

4th grade advanced math homework. It doesn’t scare me now that I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t have all of the answers and it is ok to look for instructions on the world wide web.

A 7 year old with a shitload of confidence. Confidence is good…no matter what age, right?

Now that I have listed the things that I am no longer afraid of, let me reassure you that I will forever have a fear of public speaking, clowns, and public restrooms.

There is no amount of therapy that will ever suck any of those fears out of me.

Pay it forward

So you all know I am going to be 40 in 8 days…8 DAYS people!

Like most people, I had goals that I wanted to reach by the time I was 40. But that’s my problem, I only had goals, I didn’t have a game plan to help get me to those goals. Now I’m frustrated and soon to be 40…that’s not a good combination, in my book.

In order to help me accomplish my goals...while I’m still living, I treated myself to a 30 day program of reflection, growth, and goal setting. Today is day 4, and so far, so good. I’m loving the program. Right now we are just in the reflection period and it’s eye opening. I’m looking back at my life and picking it apart, and that’s hard…it’s owning up to a lot of mistakes I’ve made in the past.

But that’s how we learn, right?

Anyway, part of the program is about getting out, meeting new people and creating positive relationships in our lives. So this morning, I had coffee with a guy that my friend has been dying to fix me up with. I wasn’t really excited about going, because I don’t really like blind dates. Not that this was a blind date, but I had never talked to or seen the guy, so, yeah…it was a blind “meeting”. And of course it was an epic FAIL! I will not be seeing him again! You see, I have this thing about meeting guys for coffee. If they get there before me and order their own coffee without waiting for me, I won’t ever give them a second chance. And that is exactly what happened today. He showed up early, bought his own coffee and was already sitting at a table when I got there.

But the worst part was that I had to wait in line for 10 minutes before I actually got my coffee and you know what he did? Yep, you guessed it…he sat at the table and waited for me to get my coffee. It was 10 minutes, you would think he could come and wait in line with me and get the conversation going. Maybe I expect too much from people, who knows.

Oh well, that’s not really the point of my post today.

Here's my point...

While I was waiting in line, I was thinking about my ex-mother-in-law. You see, whenever she goes to Starbucks, she always buys coffee for the person behind her line. I think it’s fabulous! So I thought I would give it a try today.

I get to the cash register, place my order, and when the cashier asks if there is anything else she can get me, I point to the guy behind me and say “yes, whatever he wants too.” He looked at me shocked! He immediately said “no, no, I can’t let you do that”, but I insisted. We argued back and forth for what seemed like forever, but in reality it was only about 30 seconds.

He finally gave in and gave the cashier his order: (3) Carmel Macchiato’s, (2) white chocolate mocha’s, and (2) venti house blends later, and I was forking out $27…plus a tip.

Doh!

Pay it forward never felt so…broke!

Relationships anonymous

Hi my name is Julie and I have high expectations of men.

A good friend sent me an email last week and suggested this topic as a post. Her email started off by saying, “don’t take this personally, because I AM NOT talking about you, but…”

So how could I not think she was talking about me?

I know she was talking about me and I am not offended by it one bit whatsoever! She thinks that sometimes our (and by “our”, I know she means me, but generalizing myself with the entire population makes me feel like less of a tool) expectations of the opposite sex may be so unrealistic that we are probably letting potentially good matches slip through our finger tips.

I know she is right.

I know I have high expectations of men.

But I can’t help it!

Last week alone I let one potentially good guy slip off the radar because I just didn’t feel things between the two of us and quite frankly, I didn’t really have the energy to nurture a new friendship and get to know him on a deeper level either.

I know this is mean, but it’s the truth.

I feel bad, because he seemed like a perfectly good guy. He seemed normal. He had a good job, was a hard worker, was always interested in hearing about me and my kids, and reminded me not to give up on the good guys. I think he was talking about himself when he said that to me, but he just happened to catch me at a bad time, a time of transition. A time in between trying to figure out what happened with one guy who I really liked and the thought of moving on to the next.

I hate the in between!

But If I had to venture an even better guess as to why my expectations of men are so high, I would say it’s because I have a list. I have a list of qualities that my ideal mate would posses. And out of those ideal qualities, I have five that I consider deal breakers:

1. Accept my kids and I as a total package…no ifs, ands or butts about it
2. Be a hard worker…he doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to work hard
3. Values family and family time
4. Holds honesty and integrity at the highest level
5. Is at least 6 feet tall (I know this is shallow…but it is what it is, I’m not looking to be the next Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes)

That’s it.

Everything else in my book is negotiable!

I don’t think that these deal breakers are unrealistic in any way. I don’t think I am asking for too much.

But my problem is this…once I feel like one of these deal breakers is broken, I tend to move on mentally, and when I move on mentally, more often than not, it's over. I never give the guy a chance to explain himself, and I hate that about me. No one is perfect, most of all me, yet I struggle to show grace when I feel betrayed in some way.

And I hate that quality in me even more.

But not anymore!

This is me, turning over a new leaf!

Most of you that know me know that I am all about second chances. But the new me, you know the one turning over a new leaf, is all about third chances too.

In fact, I may be all about fourth and fifth chances if you catch me on a good day.

News Flash

I am off the dating market...officially!

Woot! Woot! I never thought this day would come.

No, no...I'm not doing anything drastic like listing myself as "in a relationship" on Facebook or anything like that.

Heck, I haven't even met Mr. Wonderful yet.

Let's just say, I am flat out tired of looking for Mr. Wonderful. In fact, I'm almost convinced that he doesn't even exist. I'm definitely convinced that men my age aren't looking for a solid woman, with a good head on her shoulders who is independent, both financially and emotionally, who owns her own home, has no ex baggage and has great kids. No, no...I'm convinced that they all like the drama and the baggage, because I don't have either and I can't seem to find a good guy.

Obviously, I'm attracting the wrong guys and it makes me tired!

Rest assured thought, I haven't given up hope that he will show up on my doorstep one day, and when he does, I will welcome him with open arms. But for now...I'm taking a break looking for him.

I know this new revelation will probably hamper my blog material for a while, and for that, I am sorry. Quite honestly, the thought of another first date just makes me want to throw the covers over my head and hibernate for the winter.

For those of you that are not single, you may not remember what it's like to date. So I thought I would share with you the differences in inner dialogue that men and women go through on a first date. Hopefully this will give you a better glance into my life and you will understand why I just can't do it anymore.

The first minute of inner dialogue for a man on the first date:
Wow! She is pretty. This could be fun.

The first minute of inner dialogue for a woman on a first date:
Wow! he is handsome. This could be fun. I wonder how my hair looks. I hate my smile. I wish I would have worn a different color lip gloss or at least whitened my teeth another day. I hope my butt doesn't look big in this dress. I hope he talks. I will not think about my ex! Man, he smells so nice. Do I smell nice? I wonder if he wants a relationship or if he is just out dating for fun. Stop thinking about the Ex. I hope he calls me tomorrow. What if he doesn't call me tomorrow? I hope he likes my shoes. If he compliments my shoes, I will be happy. My Ex used to compliment my shoes. Does my breath stink? What if he tries to kiss me? I hope he tries to kiss me. What if he doesn't try to kiss me? Dang it, why did I wear this underwear? What if he doesn't like me? Will I be able to tell if he doesn't like me? I wonder what my Ex would say if he saw us together right now? Did I change the sheets on my bed? I hope he pays for dinner. Doh...I can't believe I just chipped my nail polish. Mental note, find a new place to get nails done...and on and on and on it goes.

Now do you see why I am so tired?

Life is 95% Anticipation

Anticipation: the feeling you feel when you feel you’re going to feel a feeling you’ve never felt before!

Uh huh…that’s right, it’s that good!

I love anticipation! You know the part when you have had just a taste of something, and can’t wait to go back for more…that’s the part I like. Unfortunately, I’m just not very good at the other part of anticipation, you know, the patience part. Nope, patience and I don’t get along…at all! Patience is like the evil step sister to my Cinderella, or the Tom Brady to my Peyton Manning.

I’m not good at it and I don’t enjoy it!

Have you ever been in a situation where you absolutely cannot wait for what is about to happen, you know you are so close to something so good, yet it is still so far away? Well, I’m there and it is absolutely killing me!

But in a good way!

The bad part about patience and anticipation for me is that I sometimes get so frustrated that I want to give up and stop waiting for the good things. I’m trying so desperately not to do that, because what I am waiting for is sooooooooooooo going to be worth it in the long run.

I just know it!

Now, if I could just get my brain to shut up…and stop sending me mixed signals, and start listening to my heart I will be ok…

Easier said than done!

Eat pray what?

I'm over here as well today...see if you can figure out where?

At one point in time, quite a few years back, my girlfriends and I tried to get serious about a book club. We were determined to give ourselves a month to read a book and then gather to discuss it. But what we quickly realized is that we could never have a serious conversation about the books we read. Sure we would try. The first five minutes would be a very serious discussion, but then we would realize that we had other more important things to discuss or gossip about, if you will. And only a few months in, our “book club” as we knew it, no longer existed.

One of the first books we read was Elizabeth Gilbert’s, Eat Pray Love. It was an ok book, but at the time it didn’t resonate with me very well, because I was happily married and for the life of me couldn’t figure out how someone could up and leave their life as they knew it to go “find” herself. It just didn’t make sense to me. While I still don’t agree with the reasons she left her marriage (I don’t believe she fought hard enough for it), I do envy what she did. I sometimes wish my life allowed me the same kind of opportunity. But when you have two young boys that you suddenly become responsible for, that dream of traveling the world to find yourself, becomes just that, a dream.

After my divorce, I decided to take my own little trip of sorts to find myself. And by trip, I mean, 4 years of expensive therapy. (For what I forked out in therapy, I could have probably traveled the world twofold, but that’s beside the point.) And even after all of that expensive therapy, I am still amazed that I manage to learn things about myself every day. It’s weird how the slightest thing can spark something in me and end up becoming a “light bulb moment” or learning experience .

My therapist would be proud of the light bulb moment I had this weekend.

I went to see Eat Pray Love with my girlfriends before our girls night out. The book was ok, but it was nothing to write home about, so I wasn’t super excited to see the movie, but I love movies and usually don’t turn down the offer to see one, especially when my girlfriends are going. (on a side note: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go see this movie on an empty stomach. The food looked amazing!) As I was watching, Julie Roberts portray Elizabeth Gilbert, she said something so profound and it hit me like a ton of bricks. So I went home, got my copy of the book and found the entire quote and thought I would share it with you.

Here it is.

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time- everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

And that’s when it hit me. It was that moment in the movie when I realized that I put absolutely everything I have into my relationships. And this, I believe, is why it is often very difficult for me to recover from a break-up or disappointment of any kind within my relationships.

As I see it written down on paper, I’m not proud of that part of me. I’m not proud of who that woman is. I’m sad that she seems to only be able to find happiness and security when she is in love. I’m sad that she can’t see her life for what it really is and I’m sad, that she is 39 and just waking up to this fact.

Accept bullshit...receive bullshit

It’s me…I’m back!

I’m still swamped at work.

I’m still frustrated with my personal life.

It’s still hot here in the Midwest.

But, I’m back…and I have a lot to say!

The past month has just been crazy busy for me as I’m sure it has for many of you. My problem is that I have never had a whole month like this, especially in the summer when things are supposed to be a little more laid back and relaxed. Thankfully, my kids were on vacation with their dad last week and it allowed me some time to catch a breath and focus on the important things in my life…my friends!

Yeah for true friends!

Even though I have been super swamped the lessons I have learned, in the hecticness that has become my life, did not go unnoticed.

Lessons like:

• When you are in need of friends, your true friends step up to the plate no matter how busy their lives are.

• If you think you are busy, nine times out of ten your friends are busier.

• I DO NOT, let me repeat, DO NOT have a lot of patience for chaos

But, by far, the most important lesson I learned during this stressful season in my life is this…

• It is me that teaches people how to treat me. If I accept bull shit, I will only receive bull shit.

I know, I know…it’s a simple thought, but one I often forget.

You see, my problem is that I am stuck in my life long pattern of taking way too much from others. So much so that I take it until I can’t take it anymore and then just end up getting so frustrated and walk away completely. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the only way that I seem to be able to function in these dysfunctional relationships that I get myself into.

As you have read in my past posts, I consider myself to be a caregiver of sorts. I tend to latch onto those that may not have the perfect lives. I tend to want to jump in and be the rescurer, the nurturer, the shoulder to cry on, the one that helps them get through the tough times. Yet I am always shocked when they hang me out on my own once they have gotten back on the straight and narrow.

It’s like clockwork. It happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!

And it happened again this weekend. I got hung out to dry by someone whom I thought was becoming a great friend. But what I realized is that our friendship was very one sided. He used me to get through the last few months of his very rough divorce and then threw me out when he was done with me. And quite frankly, that pisses me off. In fact, I can remember the exact moment at dinner on Saturday night that I knew I was done and had completely checked out. It was when he actually called me “coach” when discussing the finality of his divorce. I realized at that moment that I would probably never ever hear from him again.

And here it is Monday…and not a peep! And I’m ok with that. Because I am done accepting bull shit as a standard in my life!

Faith

A new friend sent me an email this morning about faith. And it was very reassuring. I’m sure he knew it was something I needed to hear from someone other than who I normally listen to in my life.

You see, so many times I second guess things that I shouldn’t. It’s a habit that I am trying to free myself of, but it’s difficult. I know it’s something that most people grapple with on a daily basis, but it often takes a conscious effort on my part to be aware of and take action of these moments in my life. Too often I ignore my call to have faith and that is usually when I become down and get in my “funk” as I like to call it.

I have to continually ask myself, if I knew everything about tomorrow would it change how I lived today?

No, I don’t think it would.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I love this! Somehow I need to keep that stored in my brain and bring it out whenever I start to second guess things, which, if I were being honest with you, would pretty much be 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I’ve learned the hard way that I block my dreams when I allow my fear to get bigger than my faith.

As I grow older, it seems to become more and more difficult to have faith because so much has happened and I have seen too many things and been hurt too many times. But, even though I struggle with faith, I need to remember that I may not go where I want to go but that I will always end up where I should be.

I know the old saying “God will only give me what I can handle” is true, but dang it…why does He trust me so much?

So here is to me…taking the first step to faith even though I don’t see the whole road in front of me. No more sitting back and hoping. No more wishing. No more trying to believe regardless of the evidence. From now on, I can promise you, my faith will be a daring faith that is not afraid of the future, and most importantly, not afraid of the consequences!

Something is not right here

Communication…

It’s a vital part of who we are. God created us all to be communicators whether we want to or not. In my book it is the most important part of a relationship between two people. Whether it be communicating with your boss, spouse, friend, or potential lover it’s imperative to figure out how best to communicate with each other early on.

It’s tricky because people communicate in so many different ways. Some people communicate better verbally, some better with actions, and even some better through written word and song. It’s all acceptable, yet confusing at times.

You see, I like to consider myself a processor. I tend to listen, soak it all in and then sit on things for a day or two before I can come to terms with what has been said. Now, I don’t do this on little things, like what kind of milk to buy, 2% or skim, that would be crazy…but I do process on the bigger things in life. Things like whether or not to send my kids to summer camp, or whether or not to approach my boss on a sticky subject matter, or even whether or not to go out on a date with a cute electrician (more on that at a later date). Those are definitely all “process worthy.”

But my question to you is this, what happens when one person communicates one thing with words and a totally different thing with actions? How do you communicate with someone whose verbal communication speaks a totally different language than his/her actions?

It can be confusing, right?

I have this friend, ok, my non-boyfriend boyfriend, who falls into this category. His verbal communication skills are awesome! I’ve never known a man who can communicate like he does. He is a total people person and loves creating relationships. It’s a skill I truly wish I had. When we go to dinner he makes friends with the waiter/waitress, he chats up the people behind the coffee counters, and even invites strangers to join us for dinner. All super cool qualities to have, that I have never even thought about until I met him. And it’s because of his actions, that he creates these relationships. In fact, we were out to dinner the other night and he made our waitress feel so comfortable that at one point in the meal she actually sat down at our table to chat with us. I love that!

But (come on people, you had to know there was a but coming…no one is ever that perfect) his actions speak a totally different language.

What do I mean by this? Well, I’m not going to spill the detail, but suffice it to say the reason he is my non-boyfriend boyfriend is because we are at two totally different places in our lives. We are headed down two different paths. Well maybe not two different paths, but, let’s just say I am so much further along in my path than he is. But the key is we enjoy spending time together. Unfortunately for me the time we do spend together is often very confusing because he communicates differently verbally than he does with his actions. I often leave his presence very confused and frustrated, but at the same time very excited for the next time when I may see him. And for a processor like me…this is VERY FRUSTRATING!

Bottom line, when communication is good I often feel understood, and emotionally connected which in turn makes me feel confident. But more often than not I am too afraid to do what it takes to create those feelings in any of my relationships, because that would require vulnerability. And vulnerability scares the crap out of me. Because in my mind vulnerability can only mean one thing…hurt.

It’s the one hurdle in my life that I am still trying to overcome…


“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.” -George Bernard Shaw

Because it makes me feel pretty, that's why

Today is a celebration of sorts.

It is my one year Blogaversary.

Can you believe it? I can’t.

When I first started blogging, I thought, who really wants to read what I have to say? Do I really have anything of importance to share with other women? But somehow I was able to get over my fear and write from the heart. And you know what? It has been more therapeutic than I ever could have imagined. Theraputic for me! Selfish, isn’t it?

Selfish or not, I attribute my blog to being a huge part in my recovery from a divorce that I did not ask for nor want. It has really helped heal my heart, my mind, and my image of me, all of which were damaged by a few harsh words from my ex many years ago.

I have come a long way in this past year.

But what has surprised me the most is that I have learned something about myself that I never thought I would learn. Something that I have longed for and hoped for for years. Something that means more to me than anything else in the world. Something that makes me cry every time I think about it.



Yep…that’s me…loving myself…FINALLY! I never ever ever thought I would love myself like this. I love everything about me, but most importantly, I have learned to love my curves that I came to hate.

I still have a ways to go, but I have come farther than I ever thought I would. And that makes me happy!

Happy Blogaversary to me!

Inspired by this.

I'm not crazy, I'm colorful

Some of you that read my blog know that I am a hard core rocker girl! I love music. I love it loud and I love it fast. Creed, Kiss, James Blunt and Pearl Jam (thanks Jules) are just a few of my current favorites. I listen to these CD’s over and over again in my car at very loud obnoxious volumes. I’m sure that the people that pull up next to me at lights are thinking the same things that I think of teenagers who pull up next to me with their rap music blaring…”seriously, is that necessary?”

But I don’t care. I really don’t.

This hard core music affects me like no other music I have ever known. If I’m sad or had a bad day at work, jamming it out is always an instant cure. There is no better form of therapy than letting the music take over my emotions. It’s the beat, the guitar solos, the rhythm…it all helps heal me of whatever it is I may be going through.

Monday was a perfect example of how music can heal the soul.

I had a rough day. I woke up grumpy. I had issues in both my personal life and work life. I was clearly in a funk to anyone who saw me or talked to me. I left the office a little early in hopes that a longer louder drive home could get me out of my funk. I got into the car and turned the volume up before I even turned the car on. That, my friends was a big mistake, huge!

To top off my bad day, the CD player was stuck. And you will never guess what it was stuck on. Nope, not Kiss, Creed, Pearl Jam or James Blunt. Nope, I couldn’t be that lucky. It was stuck on the “Squeakquel, by the Chipmunks”. Yep…I was jamming to Single Ladies by the Chipettes before I even pulled out of the parking space. And the worst part, my CD Player wouldn’t do anything. I couldn’t change the CD, I couldn’t eject it, and I couldn’t switch it off. Nope, I was stuck listening to the entire Squeakquel Album. Turns out I had a short in my stereo and the guys at the auto dealership love me and fixed it quick, thank God.

But it made me realize that for me, music is kind of like a drug. I’m addicted to it…or so I thought.

Recently, my non-boyfriend, boyfriend has opened my eyes to another part of “music”. Did you know that there are lyrics involved in music? I had no idea. Seriously, I know you think I’m being sarcastic here but I’m not. I totally listen to the “music” part of music. I never ever pay attention to the lyrics. I may know the lyrics by heart and sing them at the top of my lungs, but more often than not, I have no idea what they are saying because I mostly focus on the “music”.

We were in the car the other day and he played a John Mayer song. As soon as it started, I scowled and said “I hate this song”. But what I realize now is that I actually like the song…the lyrics were amazing…I just didn’t like the “music.” So, I did what any normal person would do, I logged onto Pandora.com and downloaded a bunch of “radio stations” of bands that I “don’t like” to actually give these musicians a try.

And do you know what I found? I actually like the likes of The Fray, Train, Coldplay, Matchbox 20, Five for Fighting, The Goo Goo Dolls (hello, “Let Love in”…LOVE IT!), Jack Johnson, John McGlaughlin, Jason Mraz, Counting Crows, Carolina Liar and even John Mayer. Yes you heard me right…I’m jumping on the John Mayer bandwagon. He may still be a tool, but he sure is talented! I get it Jennifer Aniston, I now get what you saw in him…my apologizes. . It’s amazing! I never realized how talented these guys are…

So please, if any of the musicians listed above are reading this, I owe you a huge apology! No more bad talking from me…total support from here on out from the He Who Laughs Last household.

And to those of you like me out there, whether it be just the lyrics you listen to or just the music, I beg you to hear both.

It will change your life!

Patience is a what?

Patience.

I wish I had it. It’s something I desperately want, but secretly know I will never have. It’s not something that happens overnight. And in this instant gratification world, it’s something that is often hard to come by. I think the secret to patience is “doing something in the meantime”, going on with your life like you are not anxiously awaiting the perfect scenario. It’s something I struggle with and battle daily.

When I think about patience I think of it like I do the building up of a muscle, it’s something that needs to be worked on every day in order to see the progress. It makes a woman beautiful in middle age. It’s the art of hoping. It is necessary. It can conquer destiny and is often the key to contentment.

So if it’s all of those great things, then why can’t I have more of it?

Well I can’t have it because it entails the capacity to wait…and waiting is not something I’m good at. I can’t wait for my favorite pair of jeans to go on sale before buying them. What if they are all sold out by the time they are on sale? I know, I know, then it wasn’t meant to be…but in my book I’m always “meant to be” when it comes to new jeans.

The funny thing about patience is we are constantly working on it. No one is ever perfect at it. It’s a challenge that we will continue to face day in and day out. It’s not like you can wave a magic wand and you suddenly become patient with everything, because if that were the case, I would take out a loan to buy that wand.

What I am learning in my never ending quest to find patience in my life is that I need to trust my gut, love myself and have patience even when I think it may be impossible. I am slowly but surely learning to let go of the life I have planned for myself to make more room for the life that is waiting for me. I know I have a purpose! I just have to allow myself to live my dreams, have the courage to be my own best friend and act on what I love and who I am…and life will follow.

Hmmmm….easier said than done???

Because I said so

Parenting is a tricky thing. As a parent there are many things that I want to teach my boys.
Many of them are on a smaller more practical scale. Things like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on their own, riding a bike, doing laundry and phone etiquette. While I believe these are all very useful and valuable lessons, there are many things on a larger scale that I feel it is my responsibility as a parent to teach them in order to give them the opportunity to become successful, happy and loving adults.

Because I am so addicted to lists lately, I thought I would share some of the lessons I hope to teach my kids along the way.

I’m always proud of you, no matter what…even when you screw up.

Speak up, don’t be afraid to share your opinions.

Listen with your ears, you don’t always have to be the one talking.

Think before you speak, always choose your words wisely.

Celebrate the little moments, because those are the ones that matter.

Don’t pick on other kids, everyone is different and that is ok.

Help me carry things, you will probably be stronger than me before you become teenagers.

Defend yourselves and each other.

You don’t have to be the best at everything as long as you always do your best.

Always be open to learning, for learning is the greatest gift of all.

Follow your gut, trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right.

Take risks. Everything you do is a learning experience.

Spend your money wisely.

Always be grateful. There is never going to be a time when you don’t have something to be thankful for.

Always respect women. You will be sorry if I ever catch you treating a woman badly. 

Choose wisely.

Don’t change yourself for anyone. You are perfect the way God created you.
Do as I say, not as I do when it comes to texting and driving.

If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, they are not a true friend.

Friendship is a two way street not a one way path.

Talk to me. I’m a great listener. There is never anything that you cannot tell me.

Own up to your mistakes. It’s ok, we all make them.

Don’t settle in your relationships.

Vote. It’s your right as an American. Take it seriously.

It’s ok to say no, mean it when you say it.

Always be humble.

Take care of your body, eat right and exercise regularly, trust me you will feel better when you do.

Be patient, good things take time.

Lead by example.

Take pride in your appearance.

Girls love a guy that can cook and do his own laundry.

Being married is a good thing, no matter what your dad says.

Nothing bad has happened tomorrow. Every day is a new day fresh for the taking.

Understand priorities.

Nothing I do in my life will ever compare to being your mom! You will feel the same way when you have kids, after you turn 40 and I let you start dating, of course!

On a more serious note

I am never one to really brag or boast about things I’ve done, participated in, felt and experienced…well unless it is a MEME and then we all know that I don’t hesitate to share because for some reason I have it stuck in my head that you guys want to hear all about ME and nothing more. But sometimes we have experiences in our lives that are just worth sharing because, well…they touched us so much. Last night I had one of those experiences that I wanted to share with you. It’s not as a means to brag or boast, but to share with all of you in hopes that maybe one day you will be touched enough to do the same thing.

I had the opportunity to go out to dinner with a friend of mine we will call “my non-boyfriend, boyfriend.” My non-boyfriend, boyfriend and I have been friends for only a short time but spend many of our non-working, free hours together, sharing, communicating, working out, drinking wine and eating. He is a kind man with a gentle soul and a huge, and I mean HUGE…heart people…heart! Get your minds out of the gutter! Anyway, he is unlike anyone of the opposite sex that I have ever spent time with. He is sensitive, caring and a great communicator. I enjoy his company tremendously.

Last night my non-boyfriend, boyfriend and I ate dinner outside on the sidewalk of a great Greek restaurant in a part of town that I had never been to. You would think that living in the same city for 36 years of my life would have allowed me the opportunity to visit this particular part of town, but for some reason I didn’t even know it existed. It is in kind of a rough area of town, but it is such a cute and quaint place to be. We ended up sitting outside having a couple of cocktails and a FANTASTIC meal. The food and conversation were fantastic, as always. The servings were huge and by the time we had finished our dinner, it hardly looked like either of us had touched the food on our plates. The excess of the leftover food was almost at a level of embarrassment.

As we were sitting and talking I noticed out of the corner of my eye a gentleman carrying an American flag. He was kind of rough, scruffy and dirty and I am embarrassed to say that I immediately focused my eyes on my non-boyfriend, boyfriend so that I would not have to make eye contact with someone that didn’t “look” like me. This gentleman walked through the gate of the outdoor eating area and came over to our table and just eyed the great looking food that was on our plates. You could almost see a sparkle in his eye as he looked at it. Had I been at that restaurant on my own or with my girlfriends I would have probably completely ignored the obviously hungry man. I’m not proud to admit that, but it is what it is and I can only learn from my experiences.

But there was something bigger happening last night that I wasn’t at all aware of at the time. I was completely shocked and taken aback when my non-boyfriend, boyfriend asked this hungry man to sit and join us for dinner. He offered up his plate of leftover food and even ordered him a glass of water. Let me clarify, I wasn’t really shocked that my non-boyfriend, boyfriend asked this gentleman to join us, because that would absolutely be something that he would do, I was shocked that I was actually able to be a part of something so awesome. My non-boyfriend, boyfriend and I were carrying on a conversation that this gentleman knew something about, so the fact that he could join in with us in his own little way was awesome. I could really feel something bigger than me working in my life…

As I laid in bed trying to process the events of the evening, I got a little teary eyed, sad and even a little mad at myself. I started to wonder how many times I had passed up an opportunity such as this because I could come up with a hundred reasons why it wouldn’t be good to invite a stranger over. You know, fleshly reasons, like how others would perceive me if I invited him to join me, or thoughts like, “what could I possibly have in common with this type of guy”. It made me sad.

I was thankful when my non-boyfriend, boyfriend called me this morning to help me process my feelings and help me understand that every single moment of my life as I know it, led up to that particular moment last night. Every piece of the puzzle came together and allowed me to partake in an awesome learning experience. It is a moment that I will truly never forget. And one that I hope I have the opportunity of participating in again.

Let's keep spit balling some ideas

The other day I was going through some old journals and came across the list I had created 20 years ago in the search to find my soul mate. This was my pre-husband list and it is very detailed. I was shocked at how different it is compared to my list of requirements today. I thought some of you might get a kick out of the differences in my two lists sans 20 years apart.

1990 The Perfect Man:

1. Makes me smile
2. Sticks up for me, but still respects my independence
3. Lets me take charge of the remote control
4. Not afraid of PDA
5. His hand always seems to find mine
6. Dances with me even if he feels like a dork
7. Stares at me with loving eyes
8. Calls me for no reason
9. Loves me for me
10. Loves his family and is close with them
11. Loves life
12. Wants kids
13. Loves himself
14. A one woman man
15. Makes me laugh
16. Can laugh at himself
17. Is humble
18. Writes me little notes just because
19. Makes me feel beautiful
20. Wants someone to come alongside him as a partner
21. Has a job and works hard
22. Is honest
23. Is loyal
24. Takes care of himself physically, emotionally and mentally
25. Smiles and laughs with his heart and soul
26. Is not afraid to share himself completely
27. Respects himself and others at all times
28. Responsible
29. No drugs…No smoking
30. Handyman

2010 The Perfect Man:

1. Breathing

It’s funny how 20 years can change a woman, isn’t it?

Things I've learned along the way, Part #1

1. Unshaven legs, granny panties, sweaty after a workout…it doesn’t matter, guys still want to have sex with you.

2. My kids adjust so much better after a weekend with their dad if I let them play with their friends when they get home instead of making them get ready for the week ahead. It’s a total inconvenience on me, but if it keeps them from crying, moaning and complaining when they first walk in the door, I’m willing to make the sacrifice.

3. I am not a number. I am a human being with feelings. My weight, bank balance, number of FaceBook friends, and contacts in my phone do not define me.

4. He is my ex-husband for a reason. Why do I have to continue to put myself in situations that allow him to hurt me in order to be reminded of this?

5. Never eat a banana while shopping the aisles of the Home Depot on a Saturday morning. Don’t ask…just trust me on this one.

6. Men (and women for that matter) that wear sunglasses while indoors are total douches and can never be trusted.

7. Age is not necessarily an indicator of maturity. In fact, I have found that most men, no matter the age, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s are always going on 15.

8. Failure is not the end result as long as you learned something and grew in the process.

9. Don’t live life based on the “shoulds” and “what if’s”. It can only lead to disappointment.

10. If humor is not the number one thing on your “list” for the opposite sex, then you should re-evaluate your list. It’s not always going to be ice cream, bunnies, and lollipops, but if you don’t have laughter then you are already starting behind the pack.

Celebrity math

If you read my blog yesterday you know that I am on a mission to complete some of the things on my "bucket list". I have given myself 2 1/2 years to accomplish 101 goals. If you haven't already read yesterday's post, check it out here.

In less than 24 hours I have already completed (1) of my goals, #51, be an inspiration to someone. Thanks to MrsJenB and Chele both of whom emailed me yesterday to let me know that I have inspired them to start their own lists. Yeah MrsJenB and Chele, and yeah for my first $10 deposit into the "bucket jar" (damn, now what will I do for allowance for Hamilton and Gibson this week?).

The two goals on my list that worry me the most are: #22, fall in love and #52, get married barefoot. If you have been any kind of follwoer on my blog, you know that I struggle daily to find Mr. Right. From the first date fiascos to the long term relationships, my path to finding "the one" has been long and hard, and unfortunately, it doesn't look like there is an end in sight.

So it got me thinking about the saying, "if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got." I don't know who said that, but it has always been a mantra for me when I'm giving advice to others. I, however, have never actually thought about it as it relates to me. But today, it finally hit home. I need to make some changes...physically, mentally and emotionally. I like to start with the easy changes so as not to get discouraged, so I decided to start with the physical changes.

Like any independent woman of the 21st Century, I immediately get online to figure out a strategy. And it hits me...what if I can figure out which celebrity I resemble the most and use that celebrities "style" persay, to jumpstart a "new look" for myself. I know its a warped way to think, but desperate times call for desperate measures. After all, I only have 2 1/2 years!

Through my research I was lucky enough to find the celebrity I most resembled, and boy was I shocked! I couldn't believe the computer generated program would match me with such a stellar person. I know you are all dyiing to know who I was matched with...

Drum roll please.......



Yep, apparently I resemble Jack Black with an 85% accuracy. If this doesn't hurt a chicks self esteem, I don't know what would. The second celebrity in line to match me is Alicia Silverstone, but only with a 45% accuracy.



Seriously? This program thinks I looke more like Jack Black than Alicia Silverstone? I might just have to end my life here...Quite frankly, I don't think I resemble either, but I will say when my hair was long I did have a couple of people (ok, drunk guys at a bar) tell me that I look like Alicia Silverstone.

So here is how I see the math on this particular connection...

Jack Black



MINUS the big belly



MINUS the goofy look



MINUS the musical talent



MINUS the energy



MINUS the facial hair



Divide him in half... (he is a very large little guy)

...and you may have something that resembles a very distant relative of mine.



Quite frankly, the only thing I see of resemblance between the two of us is that we both need an upper lip wax!

It's go time

There is a little challenge going around the blog community to create a list of 101 things you would like to accomplish in 1001 days, a bucket list of sorts. The only difference is that you only have about 2 1/2 years to accomplish everything...not a lifetime.

I have decided to take on this challenge because I am so famous for saying I want to do something and then never accomplishing it. This way it is in writing and at the end of the 2 1/2 years I give you permission to say "I told you so" if I don't get them all completed. However, I also reserve the right to a "right back at cha" if (and when) I do get them all accomplished. Deal?

My completion date for these "101 goals" is August 13, 2013.

1. Wear a bathing suit in public and NOT feel self conscious about it
2. Move into a new house
3. Go on an "adult only" vacation
4. Invest in the stock market on a regular basis
5. Purchase one piece of expensive jewelry for myself
6. Leave an inspirational note in an inconspicuous place for someone else to find
7. Watch the sunrise and sunset on the same day
8. Build an emergency fund of $10,000
9. Take pictures of 101 things I like about being a mom and document them in some way
10. Write an article that gets published in a magazine
11. Complete my book
12. Travel to all 50 states (23/50)
13. Fly on a trapeze
14. Paint something (not a wall, but a picture)
15. Scan and organize all my pre-digital pictures
16. Go on a multi day hike
17. Write a letter to myself to open in 10 years
18. See Kiss in concert
19. Go white water rafting
20. Spend a whole day in bed with someone I love
21. Be debt free (except for my house)
22. Fall in love
23. Adopt a dog and name it "kitty"
24. Perform a random act of kindness
25. Assemble an emergency first aid kit for my house
26. Write letters to Hamilton and Gibson to open on their wedding days
27. Renovate something
28. Give (10) just because gifts for no reason
29. Give a 100% tip
30. Create a budget and stick to it
31. Travel to Fiji and stay in a cabana on a dock in the ocean
32. Visit New York City again
33. Seal that trip with a kiss at the top of the Empire State Building (if this happens to be a girls trip, I expect on of my dear dear friends to take one for the team!)
34. Party in Las Vegas for my 40th Birthday
35. Go on a road trip on a whim without a plan
36. Exercise religiously
37. Give blood
38. Take dancing lessons
39. Learn to snow ski and/or snowboard
40. Watch (50) movies that I've never seen before (1/50)
41. Host a dinner party
42. Play glow in the dark golf
43. Take Hamilton and Gibson camping
44. Go without TV for a week
45. Complete a crossword puzzle without any help
46. Learn how to change the oil in my car
47. Have a picnic in the park
48. Have a "guilt free" spa day
49. Learn to cook
50. Cook Thanksgiving dinner by myself
51. Be an inspiration to someone
52. Get married barefoot
53. Take a photo with a celebrity (Bonus points if it is Ryan Reynolds)
54. Take a picture each time one of my goals is completed
55. Ride on the back of a motorcycle
56. Leave (10) random positive notes
57. Learn to play poker
58. Write a letter to my favorite author and let him know that he was the inspiration for me wanting to put my thoughts down in book form.
59. Buy a pair of Jimmy Choo's
60. Watch a movie at a drive in theater
61. Go kayaking
62. Get a complete physical
63. Go back to college
64. Take an audio tour of a museum or an art gallery
65. Ride in a gondola
66. Achieve my goal weight
67. Identify someone in my life that has inspired me and let him/her know
68. Fly in a hot air balloon
69. Become a wine connosieur
70. Get closure on a past hurt
71. Ask a cute boy out on a date
72. Visit a real Blues Bar in Chicago
73. Take a trip on a train
74. Volunteer on a regular basis
75. Go whale watching
76. Visit the Smithsonian
77. Go to an NHL game
78. Learn to juggle
79. Go back to Hawaii
80. Get 500 hits on my blog in one day
81. Research my family tree
82. Milk a cow
83. Learn how to throw a Frisbee
84. Ride a tandom bike
85. Make something with my own two hands and give it to someone special
86. Go for a walk in the pouring rain
87. Release a message in a bottle
88. Go see our local symphony
89. Restore contact with someone who is no longer in my life
90. Ring a church bell (the kind in a tower with a rope)
91. Visit a real castle
92. Go spelunking (this is a means to conquer a huge fear of mine)
93. Wear white in winter
94. Learn to whistle through my fingers
95. Take the cork off a bottle of champagne with a sword
96. Get a tattoo
97. Eat a star fruit
98. Get a tummy tuck
99. Look up at the night sky through a telescope
100. Put away $10 for each goal completed before August 13, 2013
101. Donate $10 for each goal I did not complete before August 13

By george I think she's got it

As a single woman the two questions I get asked most by single men are,

1. What do you do for a living?
2. What are you working on?

I know, it seems weird, but it is what it is. The first one, “What do you do for a living” is the question I get asked most when I am out on the town with my friends, which as most of you know, is not much anymore. And the second question I usually get when I’m either at the bookstore or the coffee shop working on my book.

It never fails…it’s always one of those two.

I realized this weekend when I was packing up to leave the book store after a marathon writing session that my answers to these questions just might be what is scaring men off. I know it seems crazy, but it’s the only thing I can come up with.

After all, it can’t be “me”, because I am such a good catch, right?

Anyway, let me set the story up for you:

Scene: Me: hot, independent, single mom with nothing better to do on a Saturday night but sit at the book store working on my book. Laptop open, research scattered about, Venti coffee in one hand, pencil in the other.

Action: After a few hours of feverishly working away on my book I glance over to notice a tall good looking blond male staring at me. He kind of has a “Youth Pastor” vibe about him. Either I just pegged his job or it’s an occupational hazard for me. You see, I run a non-profit Christian Ministry during the week and I am usually surrounded by young “Youth Pastor” types.

Anyway, after sitting there for a couple of hours the Youth Pastor (as I will continue to refer to him) gets up to grab a stack of books to look at. After surfing through them for about 30 minutes he gets up to grab a cup of coffee. Once he is away from his seat, I look at the stack of books to see what is so interesting to him.

Major turnoff, all of the books are about narcissism…not good! But I digress.

I continue to feverishly work on my book. I think I’m onto something and don’t want to stop, but every once in a while I catch the “Youth Pastor” glancing my way. We play a game of cat and mouse with eye contact, but that’s about it. I’m trying to focus on my writing, I’m on a roll! About 9:45pm the bookstore employee comes over the PA to announce that the store will be closing at 10pm. I finish my last thoughts and start to pack up. The Youth Pastor finally gets the balls to strike up a conversation.

Youth Pastor: You look like you are working on something very important.

Me: I am. I’m writing a book!

Youth Pastor: May I ask, what it’s about?

Me: Sure, it’s about surviving after divorce

Youth Pastor: (turning pale) Sounds interesting, have a great night.

Me: (smiling uneasy) You too!

Wa wa wa…that’s it! You see, my answers to those two questions are 1.)run a non-profit Christian Ministry, and 2.) writing a book about divorce. And these answers, no matter which way you look at them, tend to scare men off. When I meet men in a bar they are usually immediately turned off by anything Christian related and when I meet available men outside the bar they are usually turned off by the fact I am writing a book about surviving divorce.

I just can’t catch a break!

I’m sure if I would have met that particular hot Youth Pastor at a bar and he asked what I did for a living, he might be interested in hearing me talk about my profession, but somehow the odds of me meeting a Youth Pastor at a bar are pretty close to zero. And to be honest with you if I met a guy at a bar and he said he was a Youth Pastor I would probably be totally turned off.

It’s a no win situation, a vicious cycle if you will! Whatever is a girl to do?