Kickin it cold dorm style with the Bachelor Pad

Can I first say that this show is so trashtastic that I’m struggling to get my head around it. I don’t know if you watched it or not, but I felt so dirty by the time it was over that I wanted nothing more than to take a shower.

Kudos ABC! Kudos! This is going to be a fabulous show!

Cast of Characters:

Tenley
Season: Jake, On the Wings of Love season
Nickname: Ms. Enchanted

Jesse B
Season: Ali, Needs to run a Brush through her hair season
Nickname: Humana, humana, humana

Natalie
Season: Jason, Don’t make me pull a Mesnick season
Nickname: Princess

David
Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: My new crush (I love a good bad boy)

Gwen
Season: Aaron, I didn’t watch this season
Nickname: Momma

Jessie
Season: Jake, On the Wings of Love season
Nickname: Ms. Nark (because she is the one that ratted Justin out)

Jonathan
Season: Ali, Needs to run a brush through her hair season
Nickname: The Weatherman ( of course, I may be referring to him as the local funny boy…he had some great one liners that I will share with you later)

Nikki
Season: Jason, Don’t make me pull a Mesnick season
Nickname: Ms. Don’t sleep with him on the first date, it will just bite you in the butt

Juan
Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Hasn’t figured out he is gay yet

Wes
Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Toolbag

Krisily
Season: Charlie, I’m not really drunk, I just normally act this way season
Nickname: The girl no one remembers

Elizabeth
Season: Jake, On the Wings of Love season
Nickname: Resident Psycho

Jesse K.
Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Wus

Kyptin
Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Abs

Ashley
Season: Jake, On the wings of Love
Nickname: The Stewardess (remember she dressed up as a stewardess for Jake, our resident cargo pilot)

Payton
Season: Andy’s season (I have no idea who he is, I guess I missed that season)
Nickname: The other girl that no one remembers

Michelle
Season: Jake, On the wings of love season
Nickname: I’m not giving her one because she won’t make it past the first episode

Gia
Season: Jake, On the wings of love season
Nickname: Ms. Why is she here, she has a boyfriend

Craig
Season: Ali, Needs to run a brush through her hair season
Nickname: Mr. Don Johnson

Rules of the Game

Our Host, Chris Harrison reminds us again that there are nineteen contestants, or money hungry sex-aholics, as I like to call them, each with a chance to find love and win $250,000. Juan summed it up best when he said, “if I had the chance to walk away with $250,000 or the love of my life, I’d go for the money.” Shocking, I know, but he only said out loud what all 19 toolbags were thinking!

Best Quotes of the Night

“Michelle has the hottest body in the house, but if you hook up with her you have to be careful she doesn’t cut your thing off.” -Wes, Mr. Toolbag, referring to her psycho behavior during Jake’s season

“So how are the abs?”
-Our Host Chris Harrison, welcoming Kypton into the Bachelor Pad

“If Craig’s hair shows up without Craig, that would be great”
-Jonathan, The Weatherman, speaking about his nemesis Craig, aka, Mr. Don Johnson

“When Craig won the Twister competition, I knew there was pretty much no God.” -Jonathan, The Weatherman, speaking about his nemesis Craig, aka, Mr. Don Jonnson

“There just weren’t enough roses for Michelle’s personalities, besides, it’s hard to put a rose on a straight jacket.” -Jonathan, The Weatherman, speaking about Michelle, I’m not going to give her a nickname because she won’t make it past the first episode’s, departure from the show

And last but not least, to wrap up this fantastic recap of last nights events, I give you a list of things that I hope ABC has purchased in bulk at Costco for this season.

1. Band aids, for all of the back stabbing that will be going on.

2. Chlorine, to kill all of the germs/sperm in the bathrooms, hot tub and pool

3. Alcohol, there will need to be plenty in order to put up with Tenley who still craps rainbows and butterflies

4. Sunscreen, for all of the cleavage and nakedness

5. Waterproof mascara, for all of the waterworks. If last nights episode is any indication of the tears this season, we are in for a real treat.


Cool Kids remaining:
Tenley
Jesse B.
David
Gwen
Jessie
Jonathan
Nikki
Wes
Krisily
Elizabeth
Jesse K.
Kyptin
Ashley
Payton
Gia
Craig

Not So Cool Kids asked to leave:
Juan
Michelle

Until next week!

He's a winner in my book

Before we get started with today's funny, whippy, sarcastic comentary, I thought I would let you know that I am guest posting here today. Come on over to Southern MOMentum and check it out...I love these girls!

Now onto the business at hand...

I have to admit, I didn't watch the Bachelorette last night, shocker! My friend kept me posted via text. I couldn't do it. You know how hard it has been for me to watch this season. I just don't think I could have stomached 2 hours of Ali giggling, twirling and pouting...and then another 1 hour of After the Rose...seriously ABC...enough already!. I think it's funny that we live in such an instant gratification society that we cannot wait one week for the After the Rose show. It has to be done immediately after the Final Rose. And by immediately after, I mean...no commercials in between the two. It's crazy.

Anywho...I did watch After the Rose and will have to say I was completely shocked by the outcome. I had decided that Ali wasn't going to choose either of the hot boys but ask to continue to date them both to see where things ended up. She is just that selfish, I could have seen it happening. You see, I am a firm believer that if Frank didn't walk out on her she would have ended up with him. But that's just my two cents. I do have to give a kudos to ABC for editing things in the previews to look like Ali didn't choose anyone. Bravo ABC...bravo!

Now onto the juice...Cape Cod Chris! Hello Ali...this boy is HOT and has so much more substance than Roberto. Don't get me wrong, I like Roberto and am glad that he and Ali ended up together. I believe Chris deserves someone better than Ali. And by someone better, I mean ME!

Here's the deal Chris (because we all know Chris reads my blog)...You are not only HOT, but you are about the sweetest man ever. I am a big believer that how a man treats his mom is a good indication of how a man will treat his wife. On that aspect alone I am sold on you. But if I were being honest with you I would have to say that the first time I fell in love with you was even before the season started. You see, I'm a stalker of sorts and I wanted to do my research on the Bachelors before the season even started. I was on the ABC site checking out all of the promo photos and was immediately drawn to yours. Seriously, anyone who could pull off looking good in an orange T-shirt with the periodic table on it is a winner in my book. It shows that you are not afraid to be a little geeky, and I like a little geeky.

So here is my plan Chris. You go out and date...because I think you are ready! Have fun, enjoy being single for a while. You deserve it! You have had a couple of stressful years personally and you need to enjoy yourself a little. Have your rebound dates, I beg you!

But...and this is a big but...On Saturday, March 12, 2011 you are invited to my 40th Birthday Party. It will be a Bachelorette Party of sorts. You see, I'm encouraging my girlfriends to throw me a party where the only gifts people bring are eligible Bachelors. There will be a rose ceremony at the end and I can promise you if you show up...you WILL be the last man standing...no questions asked! I will not break your heart, I will not take you for granted and we can remember our moms together every time a rainbow appears.

I know...Iknow...you're probably thinking I'm too good to be true and wondering how it is that I am still single. It's a question I get all of the time. I like to attribute it to the losers that tend to be attracted to me. But rest assured, I got my loser radar fixed and only allow upstanding, emotionally available men into my life now...and you fit the bill 100%.

No need to RSVP to the party...just show up in the periodic table T-shirt and I'm all yours...I'm just saying.

Guard and protect her heart

Ok...I have to admit, the Bachelorette is like a train wreck. I can't NOT watch it when flipping through the channels trying to figure out a way to waste my evening. Honestly, I struggled between watching Jerseyliscious and the Bachelorette. Thank God Jerseyliscious was a repeat! I know I said I couldn't do the recaps anymore, but I just couldn't stay away. I didn't watch last evenings show with my full on attention, but here are just a few tidbits I pulled that I thought you might enjoy...

1. Did anyone else think that Chris L's (aka:Cape Cod Chris) description of what he thought Kasey's (aka: nose talker) image of Ali was when he talked and dreamt about her was so spot on? Here is what I envisioned Cape Cod Chris was describing...

HILARIOUS, right?

2. I have come to realize that Ali only has a fear of flying when she is flying with someone that she really likes and wants to cuddle with. Did you notice her fear of flying didn't come out at any one point on the helicopter ride with Nose Talker?

3. Oh no he didn't!!!! Did Nose Talker just break out into song? (chirp...chirp) oh sorry, Nose Talker, you weren't done yet! He thought it was pretty intense stuff. I think Ali thought it was more along the lines of awkward, weird, or completely uncomfortable. Please don't do it again Nose Talker!

4. Did Ali really ask Nose Talker how their relationship was different than other relationships he has had in the past? Uh...maybe the fact that you are dating 10 other guys at this point is a difference...need I say anything else?

5. I am of the opinion that the ABC intern needs to be F-I-R-E-D fired! Why would he/she think that it was appropriate to put seven guys in spandex shorts?

6. Jonathan, (aka: Weatherman, aka: Ron Burgundy)I'm surprised you have never sung on Broadway before...really? You have such a fabulous voice! (read with sarcasm) On a side note: I am usually uncomfortable when men serenade me, but Jesse, you can serenade me anytime you want, in spandex too!

7. Is it just me or was anyone else completely uncomfortable watching Ali and Roberto (aka: Rico Suave) rehearse for their Lion King performance?

8. Frank (aka: Frankie Boy) and I have so much in common. All we need is that little look or sweet smile from someone special to be sure about where we stand in their heart.

9. Weatherman (aka: Ron Burgundy), let me give you a little advice. Stop talking about getting one on one time with Ali. Step up to the plate, strap on some balls, take the girl by the hand and tell her exactly how you feel! You know, just like Frankie Boy did right after Ali shot you down...Doh!

10. Chris L (aka: Cape Cod Chris) is a total winner in my book! Any guy who brings me flowers and chicken noodle soup when I am under the weather can just consider himself my favorite man in the whole world!

11. Shame on ABC for making everyone think, for the past three weeks, that Kasey tried to slit his wrists. That is a new publicity low!

12. Am I the only one that loved the rainbow analogy that Cape Cod Chris' mom left him with before she died? I have to admit, it made me a little teary eyed because that is one of the things that my mom said to me before she died too..."look for me in the rainbows."

13. Weatherman, weatherman, weatherman. There was not a spark when you sang to Ali, just some uncomfortable cricket chirping.

14. Nose Talker, Nose Talker, Nose Talker. Permanent ink is not the way to a girls heart. Might I suggest chicken noodle soup and flowers next time?

15. I cannot believe Ali let Jesse (aka: Mr. Peculiar) go! I would definitely pick the country boy over the city boy if Jesse were the country boy. And did you see those jeans on him? Holy Cow!

I only have one last thing to say...Mr. Peculiar, you are definitely so much better off without Ali. You deserve someone with more depth who can appreciate you for you. Someone like, oh I don't know...maybe moi!

I'm just saying!

Sorry people...I just can't do it

It is with deep sadness that I write this post today.

I know many of you have come to love my blog and look forward to reading it every day, or at least I have convinced myself of that anyway. But I just can't do it anymore...and by "it" I mean the weekly update on the Bachelorette! Sorry people, I just can't sit through two hours of it every Monday night. I am honestly so embarassed for Ali and the tools she has to choose from that I spend most of the show hidden behind a big pillow on my couch saying things like...

"oh no he didn't" and

"wait, what, huh?" and

"you've got to be kidding me!"

It just isn't worth my time...I may post something here and there every now and then, but I just can't commit my precious time to the Bachelorette this season. I don't know what it is, but I think it's funnier to watch the girls pawn over the Bachelor than the boys pawn over the Bachelorette.

Now, do you want to know what I did last night instead of watching the Bachelorette?

I read this...


...well, I read it after I stared at the cover for the first 30 minutes of the Bachelorette. I have one word to describe this cover...YUMM-O. I don't know about you but I want to go out and buy a 1,000 copies and plaster my bedroom ceiling with them...

Math wizards and bachelors do not go hand in hand

Seriously people…I don’t think I am going to be able to make it through this season of the Bachelorette. My attention span is not equipped to watch with full on attention. The only way I could manage to get through last nights episode was to half heartedly pay attention and try to listen for things that made me chuckle. So today I share with you some of the funny things the guys and Ali said last night.

But before I get to that, I came up with a little game while watching the show in hopes that it would help me sit still for two freaking hours. Everytime Ali was picked up and twirled by one of the guys I did a shot. Unfortunately, I had to stop playing this game about 10 minutes in…Anywho, the twirl count got up to 8 last night.

On to my favorite lines of the evening:

“I’m dating 17 guys right now…that’s awesome!” -Ali before her first one on one date

My thoughts: Hmmmm….classy, Ali, very classy!

“I’ve got a beautiful car, a beautiful girl and we are cruising down the highway…what could go wrong?” -Frank (aka: Frankie boy), at the beginning of the first date

My thoughts: Cockiness never wins in TV. Have you ever noticed when actors/actress’ say things like “it doesn’t get much better than this” or “life is so good”…things automatically go bad? I think Frankie just written his own ticket home, maybe not for a few weeks, but he definitely jinxed himself.

“I didn’t lie to you, I just told you ½ the truth.” –Justin (aka: Rated-R)

My thoughts: Justin said this as he was trying to defend his career choice and the fact that he is NOT doing the bachelorette for publicity. I now think he is the one with the girlfriend.

“You’re a good looking guy but you have nothing to say, are you going to be ok with that?” - Craig (aka: Toupe Tom) trying to bring Jesse down

My thoughts: Craig is bringing out the claws early, he is obviously a man with a huge ego, little insecurity and has absolutely no clue what life and relationships are all about.

“Uncomfortably Uncomfortable…that’s all I got to say.” -Hunter (aka: Move outta my way, I gotta pee)

My thoughts: This was definitely one of the funniest lines of the evening. Hunter said this after having to dawn a pair of bright yellow tighty whiteys for a swim suit photo shoot. Thank God Ali’s favorite color was yellow because that is all he had going for him.

“Ali on a scale of 1 to 10 is a 63” -Ty (aka: Bless his heart) during the swimsuit photo shoot on the beach

My thoughts: definitely not a math wizard…


“Craig M is an egomeniachial jerkoff” -Jonathan (aka: Ron Burgundy)

My thoughts: I think I may need to consult the urban dictionary for a definition of egomeniachial jerkoff!

“Jesse is hot. Jesse is sexy. That’s sort of where I am with him” -Ali before her date with Jesse

My thoughts: I tend to speak in “caveman speak” when I am talking about Jesse too. In fact the only words I can come up with to describe him are “hummana, hummana, hummana”

“If Jesse comes back with the rose today that means there is one less rose for us” -Chris H.(aka: Brody)

My thoughts: Another math wizard!

“I do everything, I travel the world and I play baseball” -Roberto (aka: Rico Suave)

My thoughts: Traveling + Baseball does not equal everything…another math genius!

So you see what I’m dealing with here…Not a lot of substance to go on! But I will go out on a limb and say that I think Justin (aka: Rated-R) is the cheater with the girlfriend back home, and Jesse (aka: Mr. Peculiar) and Roberto (aka: Rico Suave) would be my top two picks as the winner. Secretly, I hope she dumps both of them because I believe they can both do better than Ali.

But that’s just my two cents!

This bachelorette makes me want to pull a Mesnick

Sorry my recap is a day late, but honestly, I tried, I really tried to watch the season premier and blog about it yesterday, but I just couldn’t get into it! I was so pumped to watch the first episode of the Bachelorette with America’s Sweetheart Ali, on Monday night, but I struggled, I really struggled. Ali is by far one of the most annoying people I have ever watched on TV. With her silly giggle, tense shoulders, and fake hair, I just couldn’t come up with a great re-cap ala last year’s On the Wings of Love.

So to keep it interesting (unlike Monday nights season premier) I’ve decided on a new format for my Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps…I hope you enjoy.

My hopes for this season’s Bachelorette: America’s Sweetheart

1. I hope that Ali finds a hairbrush this season.
2. I hope that ABC will not show her “pouty” face more than three times an episode
3. I hope that we won’t have to hear over and over and over again about how Ali messed up last season by choosing her career over the man of her dreams.
4. I hope that Ali doesn’t bug the crap out of me, as predicted, because if she does I will totally lose interest this season
5. I hope to see lots of buff guys making fools of themselves on national television…face it, it’s just good blog material.

The Bachelors

Chris H., 27
Real Estate Developer
Memorable Moment: Looks like Brody Jenner
Nickname: Brody
Standing: Rose

Jesse, 24
General Contractor
Memorable Moment: “How do you feel about dating a peculiar man?”
Nickname: Mr. Peculiar
Standing: Rose

Chris L., 32
Landscaper
Memorable Moment: when he told Ali she was “wicked hawt”.
Nickname: Cape Cod Chris
Standing: Rose

Ty, 31
Medical Sales
Memorable Moment: Good old country boy from TN who is the resident divorcee
Nickname: Bless his Heart
Standing: Rose

Frank, 31
Retail Manager (aka…Cashier at Target)
Memorable Moment: Came out of the limo via the sunroof
Nickname: Frankie Boy
Standing: Rose

On a side note: my annoyance factor with Ali is already high and we have only met the first five Bachelors…give me strength!

Justin, 26
Entertainment Wrestler
Memorable Moment: Absolutely loved it when he referred to the other guys as “jabroni’s” when talking to Ali
Nickname: R-Rated
Standing: Rose

Jay, 29
Lawyer
Memorable Moment: kept calling Ali “Sweetie” in a stalkerish kind of way…very creepy
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname, sorry, that’s how I roll)
Standing: No Rose

Chris N, 29
Entrepreneuer
Memorable Moment: Don’t remember
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Kasey, 27
Advertising Account Executive
Memorable Moment: watching him in the scenes for upcoming episodes, he seems a bit looney if you ask me.
Nickname: Nose talker
Standing: Rose


Kyle, 26
Outdoorsman
Memorable Moment: when he gets out of the limo and tries to “reel” her in with his imaginary fishing pole. I don’t know about you but I was very uncomfortable at that particular moment.
Nickname: no rose = no nickname
Standing: No Rose

Roberto, 26
Insurance Agent
Memorable Moment: He is definitely my front runner which can only mean one thing, he is the one with the girlfriend. I soooooo hope not, but I have a feeling.
Nickname: Rico Suave
Standing: Rose

Craig M., 34
Dental Sales
Memorable Moment: when he told Ali that he was glad he wasn’t Vienna and dating Jake
Nickname: Toupee Tom
Standing: Rose

John N., 27
Engineer Software Sales
Memorable Moment: (crickets…chrp, chrp)
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Tyler V., 25
Online advertising
Memorable Moment: (crickets…chrp, chrp)
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

John C., 32
Hotel Business Developer
Memorable Moment: broke out a cubic zirconium, got down on one knee in an attempt to woo Ali upon their first meeting
Nickname: Cheese King
Status: Rose

Bare with me…only ten more cheese balls to go…

Jonathan, 30
Weatherman
Memorable Moment: in general, he is just a cheesy weather man and always seems to act like he is on camera. Now, I get that he is actually on camera, but nothing about him says genuine.
Nickname: Ron Burgundy
Standing: Rose

Craig R., 27
Lawyer
Memorable Moment: his main goal is to rat the other guys out
Nickname: Tattle Tale Craig
Standing: Rose

Steve, 28
Sales Representative
Memorable Moment: nothing memorable, but I do remember that he looks like Mr. Shu from Glee, can you say yummy?
Nickname: Mr. Shu
Standing: Rose

Kirk, 27
Sales Consultant
Memorable Moment: there were actually two for Kirk. First was the way he fashioned a rose out of the red handkerchief in his jacket pocket and second was the scrapbook he made for Ali that told the story of him
Nickname: Martha Stewart
Standing: Rose

Tyler, 25
Catering Manager
Memorable Moment: when he stepped out of the limo in his cowboy boots and told Ali that he wore them because he thought it was so cool that she wore cowboy boots when she first met Jake…hello, awkward…Ali wasn’t wearing cowboy boots when she met Jake…and I loved that Ali openly laughed at him when he was telling the story.
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Hunter, 28
Internet Account Executive
Memorable Moment: he forgot what he wanted to say to Ali at their first meeting because he was in the limo so long that all he could concentrate on was the fact that he had to pee. There is something to be said for honesty!
Nickname: Move outta my way I gotta pee
Standing: Rose

Derek, 28
Sales Manager
Memorable Moment: he looked like the deranged son from Wedding Crashers. He brought Ali a pile of dead leaves to throw in the air and make a wish.
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Phil, 30
Insurance Manager
Memorable Moment: I got nothing on him
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Derrick, 27
Construction Engineer
Memorable Moment: telling Ali the story of his experience with pre-mature ejaculation while in college
Nickname: Shooter
Standing: No Rose

Jason, 27
Construction Consultant
Memorable Moment: got out on the wrong side of the limo, climbed up on top and flipped off…touché Frankie Boy, touché
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Ali may be impressed with this group of yahoo’s, I , on the other hand, think they are the biggest group of cheese balls I think I have ever seen…this could be a rough season for the He Who Laughs Last crew.

Overall thoughts of the Evening

Ali, (upon entering the cocktail party for the first time)“like thank you so much for allowing me to come here tonight, like let’s get this party started…OMG” ok, maybe I overexaggerated this a little, but just a little.

Kirk made her a scrapbook based on all of the things that meant the world to him, apparently there was macramé involved as well as a picture of his mom….hmmmm?

Roberto is my definite front runner and Chris H. is a very close second.

Someone needs to shut down the weatherman (aka. Ron Burgundy) like a bad ferris wheel.

The following statement from the outdoorsman kind of creeped me out, “I’m thinking of taking that first impression rose and eating it, that way it would be in my soul forever.”

The following statement from a heckler in the group when R-Rated was called out for some alone time with Ali, “you can’t go wrong with a broken leg. The sympathy card is the way to get a girl.”

Lesson of the week:

If you tell a girl the story of your experience with pre-mature ejaculation in college upon first meeting her, you will surely be going home alone.

And the award goes to...

I have one word to describe last nights Bachelor finale…craptastic! And in case you are wondering, I’m not using the word in a good sense. This was by far the most boring episode of the Bachelor in the history of Bachelor/Bachelorette. So instead of boring you with details of the evening, I have decided to hand out my own Bachelor Oscar awards in hopes that it gets everyone pumped up for Sunday’s Award Show.

Enjoy…

Award: Best overall line of the night
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “I’m not a robot”
Scene: In response to Jake’s Sister-n-law’s comment, “You and Tenley are quite different.”

Award: Worst Tie of the evening (blue paisley)
Goes to: Jake
Comment: Thinks the ABC stylist needs to be fired…Jake was an overall fashion disaster this season
Scene: At the Proposal Pod

Award: Ugliest Cry of the night
Goes to: Tenley
Comment: No explanation necessary. I just felt sorry for her that they kept replaying it.
Scene: Before Jake even speaks one word at the final rose

Award: Worst line of the night
Goes to: Jake
Line: “What was it like to be married for three weeks?”
Scene: On his last date with Vienna

Award: Worst line of the night given in a supporting role category
Goes to: Jake
Line: “Have you ever been concerned with why the emotional chemistry is so hot but
sometimes the physical chemistry is not?”
Scene: Jake to Tenley on their last date

Award: Cheesiest moment in the history of the After the Rose Ceremony
Goes to: Jeffrey Osborn
Scene: Live performance of “On the Wings of Love” which invoked the “Spotlight Dance” circa 1979 American Bandstand style, by Jake and Vienna

Award: Best Bachelor Drinking Game ever invented
Goes to: Julie, Our resident He Who Laughs Last writer
Game: Drink one shot every time the word amazing is used
Comments: I was drunk in the first fifteen minutes…had to quit playing early in order to concentrate

Award: Best Line spoken at a He Who Laughs Last Bachelor Finale Party
Goes to: Julie, Our resident He Who Laughs Last writer
Line: “I’m not sure that I trust this guy to fly pedi eggs and bump its across the country.”

Award: Worst line spoken in a grammatical nature
Goes to: Vienna
Line: Jake and I’s relationship….
Scene: This line was said many times throughout the evening by Vienna. Makes me want to enroll her again in High School English classes.

Award: Worst reason given when asked for an explanation of feelings
Goes to: Jake, the Bachelor
Line: “Physical chemistry with Vienna is lightning hot.”
Scene: Opening monologue recap when he was telling the audience why he liked Vienna

Award: First moment we, the audience, realized Jake was going to pick Vienna
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: I know my parents are going to like Tenley, but I really want them to like Vienna
Scene: TV voice over as we were meeting Jakes family

Award: Most confused person of the evening (besides Jake)
Goes to: Jakes Mom
Reason: On more than one occasion, three to be exact, she talked about the importance of her daughters-in-law all getting along, not once did we ever hear her voice her concern for Jake’s happiness

Award: Best obvious line of the evening
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: Vienna has this way of making me feel like I’m the only guy in the room
Comment: Duh, Jake, you are the only guy in the room!

Award: Best new word to add to the Webster’s Dictionary
Goes to: Chris Hairison, Our Host
Word: The “Mesnick”
Explanation: Referring to Jake’s scene outside of the hotel when Ali left. Pulling a “Mesnick” or leaning on the railing of the hotel with your head in your hands crying uncontrollably.
Used in a sentence: When a guy pulls a Mesnick it could be a sign that he is also a wet noodle.

Award: Throw up line of the evening
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: “Vienna is my baby”
Scene: After the rose ceremony when Chris asked him if he was happy

Award: Most orchestrated event of the whole season
Goes to: ABC production staff
Scenario: Brining Ali back as the Bachelorette
Comments: It was obvious from week two that they were prepping her for that

Award: Worst reason for dumping a perfectly good girl
Goes to: Jake, the Bachelor
Reason: “Tenley was just too perfect”
Comments: Excuse me, but isn’t that what he was so pissed at Jillian for when she dumped him the prior season? Wasn’t he to perfect for her?

Award: Worst “come hither” line of the evening
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “I would like to invite you back to my room for desert and some cheese and crackers.”
Comments: Well, if that doesn’t turn a guy on…nothing else will.,

Award: Worst ABC Tie in of the evening
Goes to: Jake
Reason: Announced as a participant on Dancing with the stars, if that doesn’t spell snooze fest I don’t know what does
Prediction: He will be voted off right after Kate Goselin for not being exciting

Award: Best Announcement of the evening
Goes to: The Oscars
Announcement: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin as Co-host for the Oscars
Comment: WOOOOOOO WHOOOO! I cannot wait! It will be hysterical

Award: Best Kiss ass line of the evening
Goes to: Tenley
Line: “I am not in love with the idea of Jake, but I am in love with Jake because of his character and the way he lives out these characteristics. His persuing mechanisms are what excites me and for that you should be grateful because he learned it from watching you and your wife.”
Scenario: Tenley telling Jake’s dad why she thought she was falling in love with Jake.

Award: Worst timed moment of the evening
Goes to: Jake’s brothers
Moment: Jumping into the pool for a group hug after Jake just admitted that he finally had a spark with Tenley
Comment: Maybe that was the “spark” Jake was referring to when he said the “lack of it” was the reason Tenley wasn’t chosen.

Award: Runner up for best line of the evening
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “when one girl doesn’t like you, nobody likes you.”
Scene: When Jake’s mom asked her why she didn’t seem to have a lot of girlfriends.

Award: Best porno movie scene
Goes to: Jake and Vienna
Scene: Rubbing mud on each other at the Sulpher Springs Spa
Comments: To hot to talk about

Award: Funniest line of the evening
Goes to: Tenley
Line: I just want to kiss him, hug him and play with him all day long
Comments: Is this a puppy we are talking about or a grown man?

There you have it people…my Bachelor Oscars!
Until we meet again in May for the new season of the Bachelorette with Ali, the back stabber!

Road trippin it with the bee-otches

Enter Chris Harrison with this weeks date rules. He informs the girls that there will be (1) one-on-one date, (1) group date, and (1) two-on one-date and that there will be roses given out on each date. He tells them that everything is going to change this week. Cue dramatic music: Da Da Da Da! He sends the girls outside to see two very large RV’s.

Kathryn ever so eloquently exclaims “I just know we are getting out of this house and going somewhere!” Really, Kathryn? What was your first clue?

The girls get divided into two groups. (let the cat fights begin)
RV #1: Ali, Kathryn, Jessie and Tenley
RV #2: Gia, Corrie, Ashleigh, Ella and Vienna

As in past weeks we role to footage of Jake on his motorcycle with the freakishly large helmet. Come on ABC intern, when are you going to start listening to me? The helmet is NOT working for Jake. Might I suggest something a little cooler, like this one perhaps:
The RV’s meet up with Jake as he is pitching his tent (get your minds out of the gutter people, he is really putting up a tent)in the middle of wine country, their first stop on the RV road trip. We hear Jake saying in his voice over that he can’t think of a better place to fall in love than a tent in the middle of wine country. Really Jake? I can…how about the Ritz Carlton in New York, or the Eiffel Tower in Paris?

We move onto the girls in the RV’s where they are predicting who would be booted off if they were to go on a two-on-one date with Vienna. All of them in RV#1 quickly conclude that they are all better than Vienna and she would most definitely be the one sent home…cocky bee-otches, aren’t they?

Side note, what is the deal with Jessie’s “Snookie” hair, ala Jersey Shore?
Jake meets the girls upon their arrival at the vineyard and brings the date card. “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars.” And it is for Gia. We hear a voice over of Gia, but for the life of me I can’t remember what she said because I was so focused on her annoying giggle and lisp. In true ABC fashion the cameraman scans to Vienna telling us why Gia is not a good match for Jake. Her reason, Gia is a city girl and not the outdoorsy type. But Vienna is? Hmmmmm…

I will admit that ABC has been lacking in the naked chest scenes the past week or two, but I will say they definitely made up for it this week. We are treated to the pleasure of Jake shaving outdoors with his shirt unbuttoned and recklessly blowing in the wind…*swoon* ABC, you definitely had me at hello!

As Jake and Gia ride off into the sunset on his motorcycle Vienna comments:

Vienna: I can’t wait for Gia to act all outdoorsy in her stiletto heels

Kathryn: Do you think she will come back from the date with a rose?

Vienna: I don’t know, if she doesn’t fall off the bike first. (I laughed my ass off at this comment)…funniest thing said all evening.

DATE #1: One-On-One with Gia

We come back from commercial break only to see Jake and Gia playing hide and seek in the vineyard like 3rd graders. Totally cheesy! When Jake “finds” Gia she giggles and jumps on him. He is now forced to carry her out of the vineyard kind of like I would my 5 year old if he was acting up at the mall…it was one of those scenes where I just wanted to huddle up in the fetal position behind my couch.

Gia: I was a nerd in school. I got beat up all the time.

Jake: Really, my name was Mr. Bagels in 9th grade and I didn’t have my first kiss until I was in 11th grade.

Gia: I loved playing spin the bottle in school

Jake: Woo Whoo! Let’s finish up this bottle of wine and start our own game. What are the rules

Gia: First time kiss on the cheek, 2nd time kiss on the lips, 3rd time all the way…

Jake: (thinking to himself) Giddy Up!

Gia: Giggling uncontrollably

Jake: (thinking to himself) I am going to have to kiss her to get her to stop giggling…she is going to drive me nuts!

Cue: Campfire

Jake: So where do you see your life going?

Gia: I want to be engaged for awhile, then get married, have a couple of kids and adopt a little girl from China.

Jake: (looking off into the distance, uninterested, dazed and confused)…

STATUS: Cleared for Landing

Back at the RV camp site Kathryn comes out of the RV with the group date card: Ali, Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Vienne and Corrie. “Next stop, falling INN love. Love Jake. Pan to Kathryn and Ella who have suddenly become wet blankets at the thought of one of them having to go home on the two on one date…ahhh, tension, beautiful tension.

DATE #2: Group Date

Jake predicts some uncomfortable situations in the group date because he has feelings for a lot of these girls. Sweet! I hope we see some hair extensions being pulled out during the cat fight scenes!

Cue girls getting ready in the RV:

Tenley: (to Ali) what would you do if Vienna got a rose tonight?

Ali: I would throw up in my mouth (classy Ali, real classy!)

Jake warns the girls ahead of time that they need to prepare to get extremely dirty! Like bow chicka bow wow kind of dirty Jake or sand in your pants kind of dirty? Oh, dune buggys…it’s sand in your pants kind of dirty.

Ali jumps at the chance to be a passenger in Jakes Dune Buggy. Corrie and Ashleigh hop in one and tear it up…Jake is smitten! Jessie and Vienna are in another and it gets stuck…Super Jake to the rescue! He unsticks them from their delima and continues on with the fun. Once they are done with the buggys, they move onto sand surfing. This, my friends, looks like a ton of fun. He and Tenley hit it off…the other girls shoot her daggers but then are all lovey dovey to her face. Jake invites them to go rolling down the hill together. Everyone but Corrie shoots him blank stares. We are treated to an awkward scene of Corrie throwing Jake down the hill…I don’t think that is what he had planned. There is absolutely no chemistry between the two of them.

After the day in the sand the girls go back to the Inn to get cleaned up for dinner. Jakes goal for the evening is to get one on one time with all of the girls. Ashleigh is first. Their one on one date can only be labeled as “snoozefest”. There was absolutely no conversation beyond “How you doin?” very awkward! Ashleigh goes in and kisses Jakes cheek. He thinks she is smoking hot but doesn’t feel the chemistry. He probably would have felt the chemistry if he were looking at the crotch shot the cameraman was getting of Ashliegh…Hello!

They go back to the group and Jake asks Vienna to sneak away and she asks if she can be last. He was taken aback but ok with it. Ali couldn’t believe it. Girls…I got news for you, Vienna is just playing the game! I thought that her move was brilliant…she wanted to be the last one to kiss Jake that evening. Bravo girl!

Back at the RV camp another date card arrives, it’s from Chris: “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.” Neither Kathryn nor Ella want to go home yet and they don’t understand why Jake has put them in this position. Hello girls, you are obviously the two that are at the very bottom of the list!

Back at the group date Jake and Tenley are talking about her past relationship while the cameraman is focusing on the bed with the rose pedals. I really feel like there should have been porno music in the background. There is definitely chemistry between these two.

Last but not least, it’s Vienna’s turn. And Jake calls her out! I love it.

Jake: Why do you think the other girls give you a hard time?

Vienna: (batting her big blue eyes) I don’t know Jake.

Jake: I think you egg them on. I can see that you are different around them. You know sometimes it is just better to not say anything at all then to go back to them and rub our relationship in their faces.

Bravo Jake! He needed to pump the breaks with Vienna anyway. I still like her, but he needs to work through all of these red flags he is seeing in her.

Status: Tenley cleared for landing

DATE #3: Two-On-One Date

Is it just me or does anyone else remember much about Kathryn? I, for the life of me, can’t seem to remember one thing about her. Jakes goal for tonight: complete openness! Kathryn, Ella and Jake head back to his cabin for a quite dinner. I start laughing because they are sitting at a table that looks like it is made for a little girls tea party. They all look like giants.

Jake and Ella are having a conversation and poor Kathryn tries to interject awkwardly but can’t seem to get a word in edgewise. When Kathryn finally gets alone time with him she goes off on him. She tells him that she is pissed that he has been focusing all of his attention on Ella and never looks at her when he is with all of the girls. Let me interject here for a minute…Kathryn, honey, you have just purchased your one way ticket off of the show…don’t bitch him out you are only at week #4!

Quite frankly, I’m not feeling it with either of these girls. I think that he should send them both home. And after much contemplation, Jake must have read my mind because that is exactly what he did…he sent both Kathryn and Ella packing!

Tenley: breaks down and is overcome with emotion
Ali: is in shock and says “I’m going to give Jake a real talking to if he doesn’t send Vienna home”
Ella: (says to the ABC reject cameraman) “God help Jake”
Kathryn: (says to the other ABC reject cameraman) “He is going to end up with the wrong person
Jake: “this is the first of many decisions that no one is going to understand and it’s only going to get worse.”

Wooo Whooo! You know what I just heard? I heard the word…drama! I love drama!

STATUS: Kathryn & Ella asked to deplane

COCKTAIL PARTY

Corrie grabs Jake for some one on one time. She wants the opportunity to clarify her status with him because she doesn’t feel like she has gotten any quality time with him, aka, make out time. Here is how their conversation went:

Corrie: Are you nervous around me?

Jake: No, absolutely not!

Corrie: Oh…well then that means you aren’t into me. If you like someone you should always be somewhat nervous to be in their presence (huh?)

Jake: I will pursue you if you continue to open up, aka…you better make out with me soon or I will boot you off this show.

Jake comes in to take Ali away for some conversation. All she does is a little butt kissing by telling Jake how honorable he was for the tough decisions he made last night…blahblahblahblah.

Jessie grabs him for some alone time just to tell him that he should boot Vienna. Hello, she just wrote herself a ticket off the show too. When will these girls learn that if you continue to bad mouth the other girls to the bachelor it usually means you will get the boot. Nobody likes a tattle tale!

Vienna pulls him aside to ask him what his family and friends might think of her. Hello Vienna…you might be a little more worried about what Jake thinks about you.

ROSE CEREMONY: the most dramatic one ever!

Gia
Tenley
Ali
Corrie

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech…by golly, I think Jake looks like he may puke! He excuses himself to go find an ABC producer in hopes he will be able to find Chris Harrison too. Jake tells Chris that there are a couple of women in there that he is sure he wants to send home and wants to know if he has to give both of the remaining two roses. Chris assures him that he doesn’t and goes in and snatches one of the roses from the silver platter.

And the last girl he chooses to stay: Vienna

Ali is PISSED! On a side note, I can’t wait to hear that “talking to” she is going to give Jake next week.

Ali: (whispering quietly) why is she here? How could he possibly keep her? My heart is racing, if Vienna is what he wants, then I’m not what he wants. (GOOD…then go home) How can he look at her and think that she can be his wife?

Tenley: we have to tell him

In classic Baccalaureate form as Ashleigh is departing she throws out a few F bombs and is in shock that he picked Vienna over her. Jessie thought she needed to step up to the plate a little more to win him over…No no girls, bottom line…He just wasn’t that into you!

Until next week when Jake takes all of the girls to Ali’s hometown of San Fransisco!

Either go for broke or break out the spirit fingers

This week: (2) one on one dates and (1) group date- roses will be given out on each date.

First Date Card: Vienna “Let’s fall head over heels together.”

In classic ABC cameraman form, as soon as the girls realize that Vienna was selected for the ever so prized one on one date, he pans to Michelle with another classic voice over. “I think of myself as a very attractive woman and I see Vienna as being the total opposite of me, in the looks department.” Wow! That’s a pretty bold statement Michelle…even for a psycho!

Question before we go any further, why is everyone so bitchy towards Vienna all of the sudden? This is the kind of stuff about the filming of "reality TV" that usually irritates the crap out of me. The cameramen/Editors only show us what they want us to see...hello, real life is NOT edited people! But I digress.

ONE ON ONE DATE #1 with Vienna

Helmet head picks up Vienna on the classic motorcycle…they are headed for Jakes house first and then off to something adventurous. Come on ABC intern, can’t you come up with something a little more original than a motorcycle, or limo, or helicopter? In fact, here’s an idea, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Jake pulled up on a Vespa or a Segway with that abnormally huge helmet? I would seriously die laughing, but at least it would be original…Ok…back to Jake's transportation. Jake and Vienna hop giddly into a helicopter (again, how original ABC intern) in anticipation of the days activities. After a little while they both start to look pale and ready to vomit at any moment. They both wipe their sweaty palms on each other when they turn the bend and see the bridge in the middle of nowhere. Reality sets in as they start to realize they are probably going to have to jump off of it.

They both admit their fear of heights…yes, I thought it was weird too that a pilot has a fear of heights. Maybe that is why he hasn’t logged any flight hours since 2007…I’m just saying. I know I don’t want to be in a plane piloted by a guy who is afraid of heights.

Anyway, back to them being strapped into the gear necessary to jump off of this very tall bridge. Jake goes into panic mode, shaking and visibly afraid of jumping off the bridge. I guess they don’t clear the dates with the Bachelor beforehand… Anywhoo…they finally jump, only after the ABC therapist threatens to cancel the show on Jake if he doesn’t strap on some balls and jump. Jake and Vienna share their first kiss while hanging upside down. I have to admit that I thought this was kind of cute, maybe a little cheesy, but at least it was original.

In classic Bachelor mode, they move onto dinner on the bear skin rug in front of the fireplace at the Bachelor Pad…very Burt Reynolds(ish).

Back at the house the group date card arrives: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Michelle and Gia are selected. “Love is no laughing matter, or is it?” Just let me tell you, I am already horrified by this date card…something in it is not sitting well with me at this point.

Pan back to Jake and Vienna in the hot tub and the offering up of the rose. Jake is so happy with his decision to keep Vienna, Vienna is already planning her walk down the aisle and her designer wedding gown.

Status: Cleared for Landing

GROUP DATE

Jake meets the girls outside of John Lovit’s Comedy Club. Michelle runs up to Jake first, because of course, she has not had any time with him yet. She hugs him so hard and doesn’t want to let go. Enter two very large body guards to pry Michelle’s claws of life from Jake’s back. Enter also the ABC stylist to provide Jake with a new shirt because the one he arrived in was cut by Michelle’s razor sharp nails that were gripping him so tightly.

Back at the house Ella finds out she is the one that gets the next one on one date with Jake. Finally her time has arrived. She expresses her excitement with her “jazz hands”…oh no Ella, please stop doing that. We try to listen closely to Ella’s excitement but unfortunately all we can hear is Vienna in the background gushing about Jake and how she knows what he wants…blahblahblahblah.

Back to the group date and the girls getting lessons about being funny from John Lovitz. Seriously ABC, I think they would learn a lot more about being funny from someone that was actually funny. Ashleigh immediately goes into panic mode at the thought of having to get up and be funny on the spot. Well, I’m with you girl. At this point I would be over at the bar with my mouth directly under the tap..chugging the fear out of me…but that’s just me, I’m sure Ashleigh will choose to handle her fear in a little classier style.

John Lovits comes out first to give his five minutes of what he thinks is funny…but I have news for ABC…HE IS NOT FUNNY! He ranks right up there with Jay Leno and I think you all know how funny I think he is. In fact, Tenley and her pretzel contortioning self were a hell of a lot funnier than John Lovits was, and I was huddled behind the couch in the fetal position watching her turn herself into said pretzel, all for the love of the Bachelor. Seriously, how is it that someone like her, that can do that with her body is still single?

Elizabeth is surprisingly raunchy, Kathryn thought it was funny getting Jake on stage to get him to kiss her…more uncomfortable than funny, in my opinion. And then out comes Michelle…I don’t even know what to say here because I was not only huddled in the fetal position behind the couch watching her as well, but I was also trying to find a towel to stop the bleeding in my ears. The most classic part was watching Michelle’s reaction to Kathryn kissing Jake on stage. Michelle goes on and on about how she envisions her first kiss with Jake, you know the long, passionate, soft tongue in your mouth, ripping your clothes off kind of kiss. Dream on Michelle, not gonna happen…the only thing I can guarantee you that you have in your back pocket is a ticket home. And finally Corrie comes out and does impressions of all of the girls, which are kind of cute and funny until she reverts to doing nothing but ripping on Vienna. Jake thought she was funny but was upset with the fact that Vienna wasn’t there to defend herself.

The group date ends with a Wrap Part at the Roosevelt. At this time everyone is giddy with excitement drinking champagne and feeding Jake. Tenley is the first to go in for one on one time. I find myself wondering if she will take this opportunity to share her secret with Jake or if she will chicken out like weeks past. Alas, she gets up the nerve to tell Jake that she has been married, and was dumped by the only man she has ever kissed or had sex with. My feeling is that anyone that can’t tell the story of their divorce without bawling is not over their ex yet. Hello, Red Flag!

Pan back to the girls bitching and moaning and wondering if they will ever get one on one time with Jake. He comes in for Ashleigh and she takes the opportunity of course to rip on Vienna. Because like the other girls she has nothing in common with Vienna and if he is attracted to someone like her then how could he possibly like Ashleigh as well. He wonders, out loud, what it is about Vienna that he isn’t seeing that all of the girls are seeing.

We eventually get a shot of Ali toasting Corrie for having the balls to show Jake who the real Vienna is and Michelle wants absolutely nothing to do with the toast.

Michelle: I feel like I have a huge connection with Jake and I want desperately to get married and give my mom another grandchild, after all, my brother has already done it and it is my time! I didn’t leave my family, friends and job to have play time…I don’t need your help bitches! I came here to find love and get married…I WANT TO GET MARRIED!

Wow, I don’t know about you guys, but I am definitely clear on what Michelle wants.

Jake comes over to pull Michelle away from the other girls for some one on one…MISTAKE JAKE! I have a feeling this will not turn out very well…

Jake: Wow…it’s been a rough night

Michelle: Yeah, can’t you see I’ve been crying? Listen, I’m not overly dramatic or emotional. I just want you to know that I am here for you 100% and I feel like I am the only one taking this seriously. I really want a husband!

Jake: (taking a couple of steps back to give himself enough room to make a safe, quick exit) I believe you!

Michelle: Can I have a kiss? You know just to see if I really feel something genuine for you?

Jake kisses her but it is completely obvious to everyone, but Michelle, that he is NOT into her at all. He backs away after a very short unemotional kiss.

Michelle: (rolling her eyes) Seriously? You have to give me more than that!

Jake: (rolling his eyes and bowing his head)

Michelle: Why is your head down?

Jake: I’m just ready for this night to be over with

Michelle: (sensing something may be off, blurts out) I can’t stay. I want to because I really feel we have a connection (really Michelle? Is it a connection or desperation that you are feeling?)To be here this long and not really kiss you hurts me.

Jake: You decided once already to pack up your bags and leave and now tonight you said again that you want to leave. I think it would be better if you just leave.

Michelle: I can’t believe you are doing this. I really didn’t think it was going to end up this way

Jake: (speaking to the camera) Michelle was asking me to send her home, so I did. Her plan obviously backfired but I don’t want someone here that doesn’t really know if she wanted to be here.

Michelle: He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue this was coming. I wanted to kiss him, and I really mean kiss him…all I got was a peck. What was that all about?

Clearly…she didn’t get it and may never get it. Poor girl. I truly hope she has a good family and great friends at home that will take the cues of this crazy woman and admit her somewhere and get her some good help…because God knows, it’s clear to everyone, but her, that she needs it!

Jake: (speaking to the camera again) I really felt like I was making the right decision, so booting her out was easy. She was looking for love, but doesn’t know how to get there.

Status: Asked to Deplane

ONE ON ONE Date #2 with Ella

Ella’s date day finally arrives. Jake goes on and on about how much of a sacrifice she is making to be here. Ella is so shocked that they are picked up by a helicopter. Really Ella? Have you not ever seen past seasons of the Bachelor? Ella goes on and on about how great Jake is and how incredibly honest he is. Really Ella? He is dating 15 other women, what about that says “incredibly honest?”

Jake takes Ella to Sea World. Ella is overwhelmed with excitement when Jake says he has a surprise for her. She has no idea that Jake has brought in her son for the day…he was shocked about how excited she was to see her son…The situation was kind of corny but it was cute. Jake did get a long with Ethan and they seemed to connect. Unlike the scenario I see playing out if I were in Ella’s situation. Here is a snipit of what I visualize if it were me in Ella’s positon…

Jake: I have a surprise for you my beautiful Julie

Julie: OMG! What ever could it be Jake?

Jake: Look behind you

Julie: (with a look of oh shit on my face) OMG! I’m so excited to see my beautiful boys…I miss you so much

Gibson: Hey Jake, do you know what kind of chicken I like best?

Jake: No Gibson, what kind of chicken?

Gibson: The fried kind because I am a breast and leg man

Gibson: (moving in closer to Jake, whispering in his ear) Did you hear that Jake?

Jake: (while Gibson runs away giggling) No Gibson, I didn’t hear anything

Gibson: Well take a big wiff Jake because I just crop dusted you! Sucka! (for those of you that don’t know what crop dusting is, it’s when someone farts silently near you and then walks away…classy, I know)

This, my friends, is exactly why I would NEVER EVER be on any show that was nationally televised!

Eventually Jake and Ella boot the kid out to go play with a cheap paper airplane that Jake had given him so that they can have a little serious one on one time. Bad part about bringing your kid on a first date, besides the crop dusting, is the lack of kissing…just quiet hugs…Now hugs are good, but kisses are better!

Status: Cleared for Landing (my prediction is that she will be gone next week)

COCKTAIL PARTY:

Jake pulls Elizabeth aside to try to get some clarification to the confusion he is experiencing with her.

Jake: I feel like I am sitting here with the queen of mixed signals. I think you are playing games with me. You are definitely confusing me. You have many different sides.

Elizabeth: I want to kiss you but it’s hard because I have a jealous side (oh, that clarification helped!)

Jake: I feel like people who do this kind of thing for spiritual reasons are cool, but that’s not why I think you are keeping me at a distance

Elizabeth: It’s not spiritual…I just want to know that I’m the only one you want before you kiss me. Do you want to kiss me?

Jake: Look tease! I’ve had enough!

Elizabeth: (laughing) Do you want to kiss me?

Jake: I’m confused!

Elizabeth: I know you want to kiss me.

Enter Vienna: Thank God someone came along to put us all out of our misery of this game of tease that Elizabeth is playing with Jake. But Elizabeth isn’t done…she comes back for more…

Elizabeth: Look Jake, I’m not vanilla…I’m all different colors of the rainbow. I can get a date any day of the week but I’m not looking for dates, I’m looking for love

Jake: Ok…but what does that have to do with colors of the rainbow?

Elizabeth: I don’t’ understand why you are pressuring me to kiss you Jake

Jake: pfffttt….stop dangling your affections in front of me like a carrot, bitch!

Hello Elizabeth…you are teasing him…he doesn’t want a kiss, you’re the one who thinks he wants to kiss you when in fact what he really wants to do is escort your ass to the minivan/taxi waiting out front for you. Jake looks deflated as he joins the other girls at the cocktail party…Hello ladies, get that boy a drink!

Rose Ceremony:

Cleared for Landing:

Vienna
Ella
Gia
Corrie
Tenley
Ali
Jessie
Kathryn
Ashleigh

Asked to deplane:
Elizabeth
Valisha

On Elizabeth’s way out the door…

Jake: I’m so sorry. I had to go with my heart.

Elizabeth: I should have kissed you.

Jake: Damn it Bitch! You aren’t leaving because you wanted to/didn’t want to kiss me…you are leaving tonight because you are a big effing tease! Now where is that ABC intern…I need a cocktail!

Ahh the drama…I’m already anxiously awaiting next weeks episode!

Jake makes my heart smile

Ok…I have to admit. It is five minutes before the start of The Bachelor, week #2 and I am dying of anticipation. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning anxiously waiting at the top of the stairs while my parents prepare the house for Christmas morning magic. Come on! Come on! I think I may pee my pants I’m so excited.

Did I just say that out loud? How embarrassing!

RECAP:
Week #2, 15 women remaining…let the cat fight, jealousy, making out and tears begin.

Our host, Chris comes in to meet the group of giddy girls after their first night in the Swingers Club…ahem…Bachelorette Hous,e and shares the rules with them. Each week there will be dates and a rose at stake at each date. He reminds the girls to take advantage of their time with Jake because not everyone will get the opportunity to go on a date each week.

The first date card arrives and you would have thought Ryan Reynolds had just walked into the house…the screeching and giggling was enough to make me want to claw my eyes out. Anyway, the first date cards reads: A picture is worth a thousand words. The girls chosen are Gia (Resident Slut), Roz (Little Rose), Valisha (Reality Check), Corrie (SJP), Christina (Bee-otch), and Ashleigh H (Jack Tripper), a good mix of girls. Once the names were read the ABC Camera man immediately pans over to Michelle (Resident Psycho) because his instinct is that she is already fuming with anger that she didn’t get picked for the first date, and he was right.

Group Date #1- InStyle Phot Shoot
Jake pulls up to the house in a stretch Cadillac SUV limo. He gets out of the vehicle and I immediately think “yummy” until they pan down and I get a good look at his entire outfit. His pants, waaaaay to tight and his shirt is unbuttoned down to his navel. I think to myself, John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever while quietly reprimanding the ABC Stylist in my head.

Jake and the girls head to an InStyle photo shoot. Christiana (Bee-otch) is immediately nervous because she is not a model and is surrounded by models. Maybe it’s all those Jelly Beans she has been eating. According to the photographer, Roz (little rose) is “gorg”…I’m hoping that “gorg” is short for gorgeous and not the word gorge, meaning to pig out. I think he only said that about her because she “accidentally” flashed her “Who Ha” to him while posing with Jake….anything to get ahead, right Roz? The ABC Camera man then pans to the editor and Christina having a discussion on how to enhance Christina’s features. She says “make me skinny with really big boobs!” Nice Christina…Nice!

Christina’s insecurities become painfully obvious to Jake so he, of course, comes to her rescue and puts her at ease. Let the eye rolling and caddiness from the competition begin. She looks at Jake and says “just like prom, all over again”. He looks at her with a…no, no, nothing like prom, I’m not going to have sex with you at the end of the evening, look…he compliments her…she gushes about him…blah, blah,blah!

At the InStyle after party we hear a myriad of conversations, from Gia’s past relationships to Valisha’s at home Bible Studies, to Roz informing us of her game plan to “snag” the rose. Ashleigh H., is refed to as the “bikini buster” gets the party started by asking Jake to change into his swim trunks and join her in the pool. Finally, a naked chest scene! Thank you Bikini Buster! The other girls quickly change and join them in the pool.

I have just one question for you ABC, when are you going to have a Bachelor/Bachelorette for normal women, you know like 5’7 150lbs women…not size 0 and 2 women and not larger women, but average size 10 women? I’m just saying!

Back at the house the doorbell rings and giggling insues. A note and a small package are waiting for the touch of a sweaty palmed hopeful. The note reads: for the lucky girl that gets a one on one date. That’s it…no name on the card, but the necklace inside of the box…holy balls it’s beautiful! Michelle immediately grabs for the necklace and puts it on because she assumes the first girl that puts the necklace on gets the first one on one date…sorry Michelle, it’s not that easy! Wa! Wa! Wa! I laughed my ass off when we hear someone in the background say “oh great the necklace is tainted” as ABC pans to a commercial. Gotta love a friendly competition amongst women!

One last time we pan back to the InStyle Wrap Party and see Christina and Jake cozying up on the couch. Christina is trashed and babbling and the look on Jakes face is priceless. Can you say “see you at the reunion show Christina?” Roz interrupts the embarrassment, Christina is pissed and immediately asks for a shot…Classy Christina, real classy! That’s the way to win your man. Roz and Jake are talking and flirting and Roz goes in for the kiss and a make out session insues. Jake leaves to go get the date rose for Roz. Of course she accepts the Rose, she’s a competitor…what would you expect? In Roz’s interiview after getting the rose she actually says “I’m not caddy but if someone gets in the way I will get ‘em and get em hard”. She then goes on to say she is glad she got the rose because she can now “be herself”…hmmm…shouldn’t you be yourself before you get the rose Roz?

The doorbell rings again back at the house and the date card arrives, it says: Ali, come fly with me….Jake. The ABC camera man immediately pans to Michelle who is shooting Ali daggers. Ali (Peacock) is overwhelmed and tearing up. I will say this a hundred more times in this season…I LOVE ALI! Please don’t screw it up honey, you are so freaking cute!

One-on-One Date with Ali
Jake arrives for his date with Ali on his motorcycle wearing what I think is the largest motorcycle helmet I have ever seen! Thank God he gives it to Ali and puts on a much smaller one when he picks her up for the date. Now she officially looks like a goof and not him.

They arrive at the airport and hop on a single engine prop plane, piloted by Jake of course, and head to Palm Springs and by golly if there wasn’t an “On the Wings of Love” video montage of their flight…Classic! Once they land in Palm Springs they hop in a classic red and white convertible and can I just say again, they look sooooooo freaking cute together! I love their chemistry! It makes me feel like I am watching a Cary Grant/Audrey Hepburn movie. They arrive at a gazebo in the middle of nowhere for dinner and Jake starts the conversation…

Jake: So tell me about your past relationships.

Ali: Can I name them?

Jake:(has a puzzled look on his face but shakes his head yes anyway.)

Ali: Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan and now you…Jake (Jakes eyes grow bigger and bigger with each name)

Back at the house the doorbell rings again and another date card is waiting. The date card reads: Love has it’s ups and downs. The girls chosen to go on the date, Elizabeth (Sporty), Jessie (Flamenco Girl), Kathryn (Fresh Air), Ashley E (Broken Picker), and Vienna (Paris). These choices make for a very awkward moment as Michelle (Resident Psycho), Tenley (Virgin) and Ella (Babby Daddy) realize they aren’t chosen. As predicted the ABC Cameraman plays a voice over of Michelle saying “I am not ordinary like these other women, I’m the nice girl that everyone hates. Jake has showed me that he doesn’t want to be with me, so tough for him.” I immediately think, “this is gonna get good.” Michelle gets up and walks away from the group of girls…I wonder where she is going?

While all this is going on at the house Jake gives Ali the rose at dinner and leans in to kiss her (note: while there have been several “kissing moments” at the house, this is the first kiss that Jake has actually been the instigator of)…you go ALI!!!!!! She is soooo freaking cute, natural, down to earth. Again, I love their chemistry! They are especially cute while dancing around at their private Chicago concert. So sweet! Apparently Jake has inspired Alit to try love again. Afterall, it didn’t work out with Jim, Jason, Jared or Jordan…the fifth “j” should be the charm, right?

Group Date #2: Six Flags Amusement Park
The second group date is at Six Flags. Jake apparently likes group dates because it is perfect for forming friendships and his soul mate must be his friend first. Good line Jake…good line! In typical fashion, during the group date we pan back to the house and Michelle invoking drama by packing her bags. The girls are begging her to stick around (while secretly hoping she goes home) and Michelle isn’t buying it. She says “I’m not getting the chance to hang out with him so what is the purpose of sticking around? (hello…for our entertainment, Psycho) Why would I stay if I can only get five minutes of his time at the cocktail party?” Roz tries to tell her that maybe he has already decided to keep her around and give her a rose. Michelle doesn’t buy it…hello attention whore!

Elizabeth gets the first one on one time with Jake at Six Flags. And because she is a lot like me and better with the written word than the spoken word she pulls a handwritten note out of her pocket and reads it to him word for word in a very unemotional monotone voice. (note: I’m in the fetal postion hiding behind my couch right now, I’m so emberassed for her) She reads her note, blah, blah, blah and the only thing I catch her saying is “please don’t kiss me until you are ready to admit that It’s me and only me that you want to kiss. This doesn’t mean I am not into you, I just want you to understand from where I am coming.” Jake thinks it’s cute. I think she is crazy. Let me place my bet now that she will instigate their first kiss and it will be either this episode or the third episode…mark my words people. We all know he is secretly asking himself, how long do I keep her around and not look like an idiot for kicking her off because she won’t let me make out with her?”

Vienna has a shocker of a secret to tell Jake too. So she pulls him aside to tell him that when she was in high school she was engaged to her Pastors Son. They broke it off when she was just 17 and the boy immediately turned around (within a month) and married someone else and had a kid. So she did what every typical high school girl would do and rebelled by running off and eloping…she was just 17. She was divorced within four months. Jake didn’t even get time to react when Ashley (Broken Picker) brings Jake a Margaritta. There is absolutely no spark between Jake and Ashley. She even admitted she gave him the “you can kiss me look” and got nothing but a hug from him. Ouch! Much to everyone’s dismay Elizabeth gets the rose. He dismisses all of the girls except for Elizabeth because he has s special surprise for her. I hope it isn’t a kiss Jake, because you aren’t going to get that! They go and sit on a bench to talk and the cheesiest fireworks display lights up the sky. Elizabeth asks Jake if he wants to kiss her, he says yes, she says she wants to kiss him too, he says he respects her not wanting to kiss him and goes in for the awkward forehead kiss. Classic Jake!

The cocktail party
Elizabeth and Roz are both cocky bitches about getting their roses. In fact Roz actually says, on camera, “I don’t have to worry about whether or not I am staying because I have a rose bee-otch”.

Jake arrives and immediately steals Ella away to surprise her with a cheesy birthday cupcake. Ella thinks Jake makes her heart smile and that they have an unbelievable connection. Tenley steals Jake away in hopes of having the opportunity to tell him that she has been married and divorced. He immediately asks her about her past relationships and she freezes. Hello, open door…just slammed in your face. She walks away without sharing her big secret with Jake. In the meantime, Michelle is demanding to the girls that Jake come and get her to talk. He must have sensed her evil request and shows up to take her away for a little one on one. Michelle gets a few special moments and gets visibly pissed when Christina comes to steal Jake away. Michelle’s desperation is scary!

Chris, the host interrupts the caddy girls and pulls Roz outside.

Chris: Do you know why I pulled you out here?

Roz: No (oh come on Roz…I think you know why you are out there)

Chris: you have entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. He has been fired. We feel it is impossible for you to be able to form a meaningful relationship with Jake.

Roz: so you think there are no other girls that fell for other people before coming on the show

Chris: no that’s not what I’m saying. What you did was have an inappropriate relationship with a staffer after already coming onto the show.

Roz: I don’t think my personal life is anyone else’s business (really Roz?)

Chris: We take this seriously. A line was crossed with our staffer.

Roz: I’m not going to say anything else, it puts me in a bad position (you think?)

Chris: we aren’t judging, we are just trying to deal with the situation. Bottom line, we feel because of what happened it is impossible for you to continue on the show. Does this make sense? We need you to leave tonight. I know you received a rose so you aren’t packed. Go pack your stuff a van is waiting.

Roz: I didn’t do anything deceitful. It just happened. Ok. Bye!

Wow! Clearly Roz doesn’t get it. But I do love the fact that she has a 400lb guy watching over her as she packs her stuff up. Chris goes to tell Jake and he is visibly shaken. Jake is pissed that he wasted his time with Roz. Jake and Chris tell the girls together and immediately tears and anger start spilling out of them. Jake apologizes and Michelle steps up and says “well I’m sorry too…I’m just here to get to know you Jake.” Hello…awkward! Tenly breaks down because she relates this deception back to her being deceived by her ex-husband. Someone is going to have to pull her out of her puddle of tears for the rose ceremony. All I can say is “girls pull yourselves together. If someone were really smart they would go find Jake and help him lick his wounds.” But of course, no one is that smart

Rose Ceremony
The drama…the anticipation…the music…oi vei!

Cleared for landing: Ali (Peacock)
Elizabeth (Sporty)
Vienna (Paris)
Gia (Resident Slut)
Tenley (Virgin)
Ella (Baby Daddy)
Valisha (Reality Check)
Corrie (SJP)
Jessie (Flamenco Girl)
Ashleigh H. (Jack Tripper)
Michelle (Resident Psycho)

Asked to deplane: Christina (Bee-otch) at least she has the jelly beans to console her
Ashley (Broken Picker)
Roz (Little Rose)

Whew! Another week down…Im already looking forward to next week.

The seatbelt sign is on

Monday night marked the premier episode of this seasons The Bachelor. Can I just take a second and tell you how much I love this show? I’m not a huge TV watcher, but I do honestly love this show more than monkeys love bananas! Seriously… reality television doesn’t get much better than the train wreck that is the Bachelor. And this season looks like it will NOT disappoint.

In case you aren’t familiar with the show…here is our Bachelor…



Jake, 31, is a pilot from Texas, with a six pack the size of California. In fact, I like to refer to it as a ten pack it’s so yummy! On a side note, my six year old Gibson likes to flaunt off what he calls his “two pack”, it’s quite adorable!

Sorry, back to reality.

I loved the first five minutes of this show…it was a montage introducing us to Jake. But the best part...there were exactly 10 scenes in the first 30 minutes where he was shirtless. WOOT! WOOT! Besides Jake’s physical appearance, here are just a few things, that I (and every other single woman in the world) like about Jake, the Pilot…

1. He is not afraid to admit that his most powerful emotion is love
2. He is not afraid to admit that he isn’t engineered to be alone
3. He is not afraid to admit that he wants the fairy tale, happily ever after, storybook romance
4. He is not afraid to admit that he wants to fall in love
5. He is not afraid to admit that he wants to settle down

You know what he does for me, besides give me chills? He gives me hope that there are good guys out there that are actually looking for good girls to settle down with, that there are guys that understand that they weren’t created to be alone and that there are guys out there that value the companionship of a good woman. He just plain gives me hope for my future.

Ok…now that I have totally crushed on my crush…let’s move on to the meat of the show…the crazy, psycho, jealous girls.

To wrap it all up in a pretty package with a bow, there are 25 girls from all over the US and Canada, half of whom are blonds and half whom are brunettes. All but two had long hair (I bet you can’t guess whether or not the two with short hair get booted at the end of the evening or not?) The average age of the girls is 26 with the youngest being 23 and the oldest being 32 but all who claim to be ready for marriage. What I usually find the most interesting about the girls are their careers. Six of the girls are either Hair/Make-up Artists that also model, five of them are in Management of some kind, two are dancers of some kind (not necessarily the pole kind either…get your minds out of the gutter people), two are in the restaurant business, and the remaining are a smattering of College Admissions Counselors, Teachers, Armed services personnel, Entrepreneurs, Bankers, medical technicians and of course the two ringers, the pilot and the flight attendant.

My favorite part of the premier episode is the meet and greet with the girls, some of them had very short video montages and some of them didn’t. Don't ask me how they decide who gets a video and who doesn't. I would assume it is based on the size of the ta-ta's, but it's only a guess. But I digress. During the meet and greet both parties are usually totally nervous and can barely speak, so you can only imagine some of the things that come out of their mouths. I mean seriously, there were many moments when I wanted to huddle behind the couch in a fetal position out of embarrassment for these girls. And you know me, I can't let the embarrassment go, I have to share it with everyone.

Let the games begin...

Rozlyn- 28
Occupation: Model/Make Up Artist
Nickname: Little Rose
First Impression: She thinks females are caddy and pilots are sexy just like firemen! Apparently her name means little rose and she loves to lounge around by the pool or at the beach all day looking like a model.
Most Memorable Line: “Fasten your seat belts because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”
Status: Cleared to land

Christina- 25
Occupation: Restaurant Manager
Nickname: Bee-otch
First Impression: Ah Christina is special, I can tell. Any girl coming to a first impression meet and greet with some kind of flowery over the shoulder dress carrying a picnic basket spells “special”. In the picnic basket are jelly beans, otherwise known as “parting gifts”, for all of the girls as they get booted from the show. Let me be the first to say…this girl spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E! Admit it, any girl that can convince a guy to play airplane with her on the first “date” is pretty slick.
Most Memorable Line: don’t remember it word for word, but it was something about all of the girls bringing their ta-ta’s out to play and then she openly admitted that her ta-ta’s were nothing to write home about.
Status: Cleared to land

Emily- 23
Occupation: Fit Model
Nickname: Hello Who Ha!
First Impression: I remember her dress because the slit went up to “here” and by here I mean, a different camera angle and we would have been able to see her “who ha”, if you know what I mean. This was the first girl of the bunch who was trying to rock the side pony, which I can’t stand…hello 80’s!
Most Memorable Line: There wasn’t one
Status: Asked to Deplane

Ali- 25
Occupation: Advertising Account Manager
Nickname: Peacock
First Impression: I will be honest and tell you that I LIKE THIS GIRL…she is number one in my top two favorites. I think she is completely adorable. And the fact that she brings a peacock feather with her…clever! Because we all know that to peacocks, it’s the feather that they use to attract their mates. Ali says that she is the queen of being dumped in cruel manners. Her last boyfriend cheated on her with their roommate…quality! We also remember Ali because on her one on one meeting with Jake she tripped up the stairs while saying, “I can’t believe I was the girl to trip.” Unfortunately, she was the “other” girl to trip, but whose counting?
Most Memorable Line: “I actually lost a boyfriend to video games”
Status: Cleared for landing

Jessie- 25
Occupation: Cosmetic Sales Manager
Nickname: Flamenco Girl
First Impression: Jessie had an awesome black and red strapless Flamenco dress, but crappy hair…another freaking side pony. I’m sorry girls, but I cannot take you seriously when you are trying to rock the side pony. All I can do is picture you chomping your gum obnoxiously while filing your nails at the mall, seriously, that’s what I visualize.
Most Memorable Line: “Do you have a registry for these guns?”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Tenley- 25
Occupation: College Admissions
Nickname: Virgin
First Impression: Tenley is our first emotional wreck of the evening. She may be beautiful, but I don’t think she is over her ex-husband. That’s right, you heard me…she is divorced. And not only is she divorced but she was a virgin until her wedding day…and her ex- husband is the only other guy she has kissed. And yes, I said the only “other” guy. She actually stooped low and asked Jake for a kiss and then of course went and cried about it. I think with the help of the “ABC Therapist”, if she can gather her emotions and get over her ex, she may have a fighting chance. But alas, Jake gives her the first impression rose, her self esteem is boosted to levels beyond belief and she is a new woman.
Most Memorable Line: “I was a virgin until I got married.” Apparently this is need to know information.
Status: Cleared for Landing & First Impression Rose

Ella- 29
Occupation: Hair Stylist
Nickname: Looking for Baby Daddy
First Impression: After trying desperately to stop singing “Ella Ella Bo Bella Banana Fana Fo Fella, Fe Fi Fo Mella…Ella” I noticed the freaking side pony again…I think total count so far is three girls trying to rock the side pony. Didn’t this fad go out with Matty’s little monkey, Shane Lamas? I will admit that Ella is one of two girls this season that I think could and would kick my arse if I got in between her and her man. She is a single mom that seems to just be looking for her “baby daddy”.
Most Memorable Line: “you’ve got something on your tie”…and then when he looks down she pops his nose…oh Ella, you’re so funny.
Status: Cleared for Landing

Kathryn- 25
Occupation: Corporate Flight Attendant
Nickname: Breath of Fresh Air
First Impression: I know you think that it is the fact that she is a flight attendant that made Jake want to keep her, but oh no, it was the lovely purple dress that looked like it was pulled out of the closet of a seven year old girl. It was strapless, short and full of more tulle than I have ever seen in one spot at one time. Frankly, she looked like she just finished a ballet performance and didn’t have enough time to change before meeting Jake, the Pilot. The second thing you notice about Kathryn is her diamond ring…on her wedding finger. When asked for an explanation she says she uses it to keep the yahoo travelers from hitting on her at work…nice save Kathryn, but still seems a little fishy.
Most Memorable Line: “Come find me when you need a breath of fresh air.”…kind of a cute line!
Status: Cleared for landing

Caitlyn- 24
Occupation: Spokes model
Nickname: Pageant Girl
First Impression: She walked like a pageant girl…with a stick up her @$%. Sorry, there was no other way to put it. She wasn’t really memorable…that’s about all I got
Most Memorable Line: “You look great in a suit but I can’t wait to see you in a uniform.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Elizabeth- 29
Occupation: Captain, Air National Guard
Nickname: Ms. Confident
First Impression: I knew this girl was going to be a no in Jake’s book. You know how I know this? Because I loved her first impression, and history has it if I like something on this show then the Bachelor doesn’t. She let Jake flip a coin..heads she stays, tails she goes. She flipped the coin in his hand and luckily it came up heads. She walks away, Jake looks at the coin and it is double sided…clever Elizabeth, very clever!
Most Memorable Line: “Lucky you Jake!” (said after she flipped the coin and it was heads)
Status: Asked to deplane

Alexa- 25
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Nickname: Harley Girl
First Impression: In her brief video montage she basically said that riding her harley equated to having an orgasm, That’s classy! This girl came dressed circa Madonna 1985…short black lacy dress and black leather gloves. I have to be honest and tell you that this girl is the second girl of the group that scared me because I am confident that she can kick my arse! She rides a Harley and most Harley girls scare me.
Most Memorable Line: “If you let me fly your plane, I will let you ride my Harley.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Vienna- 23
Occupation: Marketing Representative
Nickname: Paris
First Impression: Lots of things stick out about this girl. The first being the fact that I felt like I was watching Paris Hilton in her video montage. She is a daddy’s girl that has been in five, yes count them, five auto accidents. And each time her father purchased a new car for her. She is a princess that lives off of daddy…that always spells trouble in my book! She has a dog that she dresses up and treats like a human being. She is already calling Jake “Chloe’s Daddy”.
Most Memorable Line: “So first things first, I want to see these famous abs I’ve heard so much about. I have a two pack and you can feel that later.”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Corrie- 23
Occupation: Wardrobe Consultant
Nickname: SJP
First Impression: I definitely remember Corrie from her opening line. Bless her heart! She says to Jake upon first meeting him, “What do you think about Kissemee?” And the look of horror on Jake’s face was priceless…until he realized that she meant Kissemee, Florida and not “kissing me”. Priceless!! I gave her the nickname SJP because there is something about her that reminds me of Sarah Jessica Parker. She seems like a little 15 year old girl to me. I’m predicting she won’t be on the show long.
Most Memorable Line: “What do you think about Kissemee?”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Kimberly- 24
Occupation: NBA Dancer
Nickname: hmmm…cant think of anything off the top of my head
First Impression: I knew the moment she got out of the car she wasn’t going to last…short hair, it’s the kiss of death…
Most Memorable Line: Can’t think of one
Status: Asked to deplane

Valisha-32
Occupation: Home maker (huh?)
Nickname: Reality Check
First Impression: Can’t wait to see Jake’s reaction when he finds out she is a home maker…(aka…looking for a sugar daddy) But I won’t judge, I will wait to find out more. I’m sure this is the first time in history that anyone has ever given a Bachelor or Baccalaureate dirt upon their first meeting.
Most Memorable Line: (while she is putting Texas soil in Jake’s hand) “This signifies common ground (because both of their families are from Texas). It is also a symbol to remind us that the best things in life are free.” Huh? Was I the only one who giggled like a teenage girl when I heard that?
Status: Cleared for Landing

Gia- 26
Occupation: Swimsuit Model
Nickname: Resident Slut
First Impression: I don’t think this girl knows what she does for a living. She lists Swimsuit Model as her occupation, however, she also managed to slip in that she is a ballet dancer and also owns a hair salon. Maybe she should give one of her jobs to Valisha.
Most Memorable Line: “Great, I own a hair salon. So if you ever need your hair done…”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Elizabeth- 29
Occupation: Nanny ($50 bucks says she is a nanny for her sisters kids)
Nickname: Sporty
First Impression: I LIKE THIS GIRL…Her first impression conversation was classic. It went a little something like this:
Elizabeth: Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine your most favorite place.
Jake: (like a good boy, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and smiles)
Elizabeth: So, what’s your favorite place?
Jake: Right here, right now
Elizabeth: Mine was snowboarding
Hello…Awkward!
Most Memorable line: “Mine was snowboarding.” Seriously, come on Elizabeth…can’t you be a little more spontaneous than that? I don't think this little scenario turned out like she had hoped it would.
Status: Cleared for Landing

Channy- 29
Occupation: Mortgage Loan Officer
Nickname: Channy the Tranny
First Impression: I can’t even put it into words. She is Cambodian and has a huge mouth and teeth. She thinks she is hot. She thinks she is funny. She dresses like a street walker. She says something to him in Cambodian and says that he will have to come and find her to get a translation. He finds her and she says it again in her native tongue. Jake says “that was beautiful”…I think he was nervous. I don’t know if you have ever heard anyone speak Cambodian, but beautiful is not a descriptive word that I would use. Anyway, the translation is something like “you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.” THUD! Yep, that was my jaw hitting the floor.
Most Memorable Line: Obviously “You can land your plane on my landing strop anytime.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Ashley- 29
Occupation: Teacher
Nickname: Broken Picker
First Impression: Ashley has a mom that apparently is trying to live her life through her daughter. Why, you may ask? Because her mom sends her huge packages daily with awesome clothes. And I’m not just talking a tshirt here and there, but I’m talking about ball gowns, bikinis, name brand stuff…nothing chinsey! She brings with her a “home made picker” (more on this later) and then the best part…during the cocktail hour she leaves and puts on a “flight attendant” costume…and not a classy one, one from the slutty Halloween section of the Party Supply Store. But, Jake loved it…and obviously so did the camera man!
Most Memorable Line: One doesn’t stick out
Status: Cleared for Landing

Tiana- 31
Occupation: Medical Technician
Nickname: Old Lady
First Impression: I don’t remember anything about her except the statement she made during her exit interview.
Most Memorable line: My most favorite line of the entire evening: “I wanted to be your co-pilot, but now I have to settle for waving to you from the tarmac.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Ashleigh – 25
Occupation: Account Manager
Nickname: Jack Tripper
First Impression: We remember Ashleigh not only for the slit in her gown that went all the way up to and almost past her Who ha, but also as the first “tripper” in the group.
Most Memorable Line: Don’t remember one off hand
Status: Cleared for Landing

Kristen- 25
Occupation: Waitress
Nickname: Never Gonna Make It
First Impression: we never heard from her after the first impression meet and greet
Most Memorable Line: “One of my best friends has something to share with you, so if you find me inside I will show you what it is.” (obviously he didn’t care because we never heard from her again)
Status: Asked to deplane

Stephanie- 24
Occupation: Dance Teacher
Nickname: Dancing Queen
First Impression: I wasn’t really impressed by her…mostly just uncomfortable watching her
Most Memorable Line: Nada
Status: Asked to deplane

Sheila- 25
Occupation: Commercial Pilot
Nickname: Maverick
First Impression: She walks in with Aviator glasses and gives them to Jake. Would have been a great moment had they been glasses for men.
Most Memorable Line: Nothing memorable…I just remember thinking, oh God, I hope I am never on a plane that she is flying. She seemed so flighty to me
Status: Asked to deplane

Michelle- 25
Occupation: Office Manager
Nickname: Resident Psycho
First Impression: Michelle’s first mistake was going on and on and on about how it is about time she settle down…clearly she is very old! She rambles on and on about being his co-pilot, or stewardess, or maintenance worker…anything to be near his heart. The best is that she admits, through many tears, that she will absolutely DIE if she didn’t get the first impression rose. I kept waiting for her to keel over, but it never happened.
Most Memorable Line: “Jake, I just want to be your co-pilot” (oh barf!)
Status: Cleared for Landing (clearly this decision was made for ratings! Afterall, Ed stated that he thought she was a psycho…But you have to have a resident psycho for a few weeks until people get hooked on the show. I predict she will be gone by the third week

Now that we have met all of the girls, let me ask you two questions. First, when did long sequined 80’s prom dresses come back in style? And second, are there possibly any pilot/flying references/cliches that were left out…it was painful each time someone said something like “I want to be your co-pilot.

Anyway, I am going to go out on a limb and pick my two favorites for the season and they are Ali and Elizabeth, one a blonde and one a brunette. They both seemed down to earth and pretty normal. And by normal I mean, not psycho! My only advice to the remaining girls is to never ever, and I mean NEVER, say things like “I know he is into me” or “I have no doubt that I will make it to the next round” or “there is nothing that will prevent him from picking me”…these kinds of statements can only spell doom for your stay at the Bachelor Pad. If you use lines like these you will be waving at Jake from the Tarmac with Tiana!