The kissing bandit

This weekend I was reminded of a story that I cannot believe I haven’t shared with you guys. It’s one of intrigue, humor, and a few sloppy kisses. One that I am kind of embarrassed to tell you about, but one that is definitely worth sharing…

Setting, New York City, NY. The year is 2007. I had officially been divorced a little over two years. At the time I was dating Mr. Buckeye, but we were on the verge of parting ways. Nine of my closest gal pals and I headed to the Big Apple to celebrate half of our group turning 40. The other half, were still young bucks and barely out of our mid thirties, but I won’t boast!

We rented a two story town home whose showers were disgusting, stairs creeked, and had furntire that hadn’t been cleaned in years. But we didn’t care…we were there to celebrate and have fun. We went with the notion that what happens in NYC, stays in NYC. Keep in mind eight of us were married, one was pregnant and only two of us were single. We didn’t get to wild and crazy!

All in all we were well behaved. Nothing happened outside of some harmless flirting, obnoxious giggling, and a few crazy nights out on the town. Our weekend consisted of a Broadway show, some fine dining, shopping, Times Square, bra fittings, and some definite celebrity stalking. Unfortunately the only celebrity we saw was Brian Glazer. I know, I know, you’re probably asking “who the heck is he”? I for the life of me don’t know why I knew who he was, because at that time the only credit to his name was producing “Friday Night Lights.” Which I love. Now, a few years later, he has produced movies such as Robin Hood and TV series as Parenthood and 24. But No one knew who he was then…so I guess you could say that we really didn’t see any celebrities. A few weeks later, however, my friend Jane ended up going back for a weekend in NYC with her husband and ran into my lover, Ryan Reynolds…lucky bitch.

Anywho…one night out in the city we went to a nice dinner, a club, and ended up at a little pub to close down the evening. All in all I felt kind of old, but I didn’t give a crap because I was just there to have fun!

By the time we got to the little pub, we had had some cocktails under our belts and were having a blast. We were being hit on left and right by the young boys. I’m not gonna lie, it was fun, harmless, but fun! I seem to remember some dancing on the tables, and a little cat fight between sisters, but that was the boring part of the evening…for me, anyway.

I decided to separate myself from the group and go meet some of the other gentlemen suitors in the bar. My girlfriends were all married or in committed relationships. I was the only one who was actually on the verge of ending a relationship at home. I didn’t want to waste one opportunity, so I came up with a strategy. My strategy for the evening was to meet as many men as possible. Surely there would be one guy in the bar that was worth my time…hmmm…

So I grabbed my camera and off I went. The first guy I met was nice, but not my type…I snapped a picture with him to remember the moment and moved on. The second guy…not even a vague memory of him. It wasn’t until I got to the third guy that I had the brilliant idea of getting to know the other gentlemen at the bar by kissing them and then snapping their picture with me. I know it probably sounds gross to you guys, but it was by far the most fun I had had in a long time!

I have pictures galore of that evening and laugh every time I see them. I felt invigorated, free and for once, like the cool girl at the party.

I try not to think beyond that moment of the evening, because it just makes me want to go take a shower.

Gone in the blink of an eye

Come September I will have been single for 5 years. I cannot believe it’s already been almost 5 years. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think about how long it’s been. I can remember saying to myself early on “if I can just make it to the 5 year mark, I know I will be ok.”

Most days I feel back to normal and ok on an emotional level. Most days I am happy with the decision my ex made to walk out on us. Most days I feel good and am very happy with how my life has turned out.

Most days…

Yesterday, however, was not a day that I would put in the “most days” category. In fact, it was a day that I was both looking forward to and dreading all at the same time.

You see, I got a call from my ex mother-in-law (whom I adore) last week inviting me and my boys over for a family dinner. I/we were invited because her sister and brother-in-law (whom I also adore) were in town for a few days for a visit. I happily accepted the invitation and was looking forward to it.

I absolutely love my ex’s family and it is very rare that we see each other anymore. His sisters and mom were such special people in my life while my ex and I were dating/married. In fact, it’s often the loss of the relationship with these three women that I mourn the most in our divorce. Seeing them last night again was easy, comfortable, and fun. Is it wrong that I like to still refer to them as my sisters-in-law and their kids as my nieces and nephews? They are all such good people that I never want to have to disassociate myself from them.

But it’s still hard to see my Ex, especially now with how our relationship has changed over the past couple of years. I’m not gonna get into detail about how it has changed, suffice it to say, it’s just changed.

So when he walks in and treats me like I have the plague, I have to be a little hurt. When he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence, I have to be a little hurt. I saw him looking at me, I caught him glancing my way every once in a while. But heaven forbid he talk to me or carry on a conversation with me.

I admit I had to rush out at the end of the evening to hold back tears. I admit that walking down the driveway at my ex mother-in-laws house was emotional for me. Emotional because it was a reminder of what once was… We were once a family, the Ex, me, Hamilton and Gibson. We were once a happy family. We were once a family that enjoyed each other and loved each other very much…until one day…poof, just like that it was all gone, in the blink of an eye.

I often wonder what I would do if my Ex ever came back on bended knees with flowers and an apology. I have absolutely no idea how I would react. Some days I wish that would happen, but most days I’m scared of what would happen if he did.

Hello summer

Summer has finally arrived in the He Who Laughs Last household. To me it's is all about cherishing the moments and enjoying what life has to offer. So many times in my past I was worried about the next thing that I didn’t take time out to enjoy the little things. And thanks to my non-boyfriend, boyfriend I’m slowly realizing that it’s the little things in life that I should learn to cherish more.

And by little things I mean, ice cream under a shade tree, flying kites on a windy afternoon, fishing in the bask of the sunlight, football in the park, bike rides at sunset, catching fireflies on a humid evening, photography, good conversation under the stars, campouts on the deck, a good glass of wine, running through the sprinkler, fresh tomatos from the garden, lunch with girlfriends, butterfly watching, walking on the canal, journaling under a shade tree, sunsets, sunrises, the innocent laughter of children, thunderstorms, movies in the park, running through the puddles, picking strawberries, catching some rays, coffee at the corner café, dinner outdoors, live music, quiet car rides, flirting, hiking on a beautiful day, enjoying memories of loved ones, sunflowers, bubbles in the back yard, melting popsicles, road trips, lemonade stands, waterslides, sleepovers, creek walking, trips to the zoo, fire works, baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, cutting your sandwiches into triangles, and picnics in the park.

I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to cherish all that this summer has to offer…it is looking very promising in the He Who Laughs Last household!

Let me drop some knowledge on you

Have you seen these?



Maybe you don't recognize them in that particular form. Here is a close up of a couple...





Still nothing? Still don't recognize them?



What about now? Do you recognize them now?



No no, not the adorable boys, but the “silly bands” on their wrists…

Have these hit your neck of the woods yet? If not look out, Silly Bands are on their way. The goal is to collect as many as possible, wear them all at once, and then trade them with your best friends. We are currently on the hunt for the wizard hat.

Apparently it is the “rarest” of all silly bands.

Either that or it’s my kids ploy to get me to drive them all over God’s country to find it, hoping that once we find it we will be so excited and buy it, no questions asked.

Yeah, I’m easy, I’m a sucker when it comes to this kind of stuff for my kids. Why, you may ask?

Because when I was growing up my parents were always the kind of parents I swore as a kid I would never be, but hoped as an adult I would be strong enough to be. They were the kind of parents that didn’t buy into the silly fads that changed monthly, sometimes weekly. They resisted, no matter how much we begged.

You see, I always wanted one of these…



But somehow ended up with one of these...



I also wanted one of these



So my mom went out into the yard, found a large rock and glued a couple of eyes on it that she had stashed away in an old craft box. I was mortified.

It was that moment as a child that I swore I wouldn’t do that to my kids. As I got older and actually became a mom, I also swore I wouldn’t give in to these silly things. But in the last six months we have somehow managed to purchase (2) phiten necklaces, umpteen Japanese erasers, and about 50 million silly bands, all because of a promise I made to myself as a kid.

Now I’m off to buy Barbies Dream House, a couple of trapper keepers, one papa smurf doll, lace fingerless gloves, a pair of Roos, and (1) brightly colored feathered roach clip…for my hair people, for my hair!

Hurry up sugar buns, I'm not getting any younger

There is an event coming up in my life in exactly nine days that I am NOT ashamed to promote. It’s one I have become completely obsessed with. I can’t ignore it, no matter how hard I try so I am embracing it. The event is called, MY BIRTHDAY! I’m going to be 39.

T.H.I.R.T.Y-N.I.N.E, I say in a loud voice!

I remember when my mom turned forty and I thought she was old and over the hill. So, in accordance with that childhood memory, I am going to celebrate this birthday in fashion before I get to old to do so.

What am I going to do, you might ask? Well in the immortal words of Will Ferrell in Old School,

“I have a pretty nice little Saturday planned, we’re going to the Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe even a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? I know you are all jealous of me and my exciting life. But the day isn’t going to stop there, oh no. In fact, I’m sure there will be a big family party because my twin brother and his wife also share the same birthday with me…three birds with one stone, I know, how lucky is our family. And because I am not ashamed to ask for gifts, I thought I would share with you all my “gift list”…even in my old age, I’m allowed to have a gift list, at least that’s what I tell myself to keep from feeling bad that I just assume everyone wants to buy me something. But the bottom line is this, whoever said, it’s not about the gift, it’s the thought that counts” probably never got a really great gift for their birthday.

So…here it is…my 2010 Birthday wish list...in case any of you were wondering.

- A tummy tuck- this may be expensive for some of you, so I am accepting donations

- World peace…hey if Obama seems to think a new health care plan is what our country needs, then I can ask for world peace. Honestly, I think we will see monkeys fly out his ass first, but whatever floats his boat

- A dog…my kids really want one, but I honestly think I want one more than them and I am not ashamed to admit it.

- A chance to listen to Tiger Woods in a confessional…I don’t know why, I guess I’m just sick that way.

- Long hair…Every day I regret more and more cutting almost 12 inches of my hair off…why do I always think my hair grows fast? When it’s short, it doesn’t seem to grow fast…

- A home in Hawaii, with my kids, our new dog and of course Ryan Reynolds.

- A magic button that I push that somehow makes my house self cleaning, you know, kind of like my oven.

- A boyfriend who calls me beautiful instead of “lightning hot” (aka, the Bachelor), who calls me back when I hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to my heartbeat, or gurgling stomach, whichever is the loudest, who will stay awake just to watch me sleep, who kisses my forehead because he knows that’s what gets the butterflies going in my stomach, who wants to show me off to the world when I’m in my sweats and not wearing any makeup, who holds my hand in front of his friends, who thinks I’m pretty no matter what. One who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have me. The one who turns to his friends and says, “that’s her” with a big smile on his face.

- Tickets to see Creed in concert and a date with “someone who will not be named”

- A surprise

- Two celebrations a year for my birthday. And for this new rule to be accepted by everyone without a bitch session. Oh, and I want Vince Vaughn, ala Wedding Crashers to make balloon animals at both birthday parties. “Make me a bike clown!”

- A new drink concoction, created just for me! Something with VODKA, a little fruity, but not too sweet, I want to taste the VODKA!

- And for those of you on a budget, an automatic Iced Tea Maker would be great.

You have nine days people.

On your mark, get set, go!

Get wrapping!

Project Love: Day #28

Ready for Love

Well, here we are, at the end of another month. I want to pat myself on the back for posting every single day in the month of February (note to self: never ever again, the pressure!) It was a struggle, but I learned so much about myself during Project Love month. I think I may do this every year during the month of February. It was a very exhilarating educational experience for me. I learned so much about myself. So much so that I think I have cleared my head and may be ready to move on in search of that lucky bastard to spend the rest of my life with.

In fact, today is sort of an anniversary of mine. It was five years ago today, that I actually made myself get out of bed for the first time in almost a month, put on make-up and venture out in public. It was this day, five years ago that I decided I wasn’t going to let my ex get the best of me. It was this day, five years ago, that I woke up, smelled the coffee, and was determined to find who I had lost!

And by golly, I think I’m almost there. In fact, I think I am kind of thankful for my divorce? Thankful because I don’t know if I would have ever realized how lost I was if I were still married.

So, I say Cheers! Cheers to never looking back. Cheers to the future. And because I don’t like to waste time…here it is ladies, (and by ladies I mean all my friends who I am now commissioning to go off into the world in search of a perfect man for me), my list! Yep…in it’s entirety, I offer you the perfect man list. I refuse to settle anymore!

Short men need not apply! Ego-maniacs need not apply! Men who are lost and can’t figure out what they want out of life need not apply! Oh, who am I kidding, my “need not apply” list could go on forever. And let’s be honest, no one likes a Debbie Downer when it comes to blog posting. So on a more upbeat note, I offer you my list of “must haves”…no questions asked!

1. Hold the door open for me, not because I am a woman but because it is the polite thing to do. Then if you really want to impress me, hold the door open for everyone else…*SWOON*

2. In my book, no means no! When I say I don’t want a foot massage, I really mean I don’t want a foot massage.

3. If you can’t look me in the eyes then I can’t take you seriously.

4. If I can’t sit on your furniture in my jeans then we may not be a good match. I spend a lot of money on my jeans and sometimes I want to sit in them…I know, crazy concept.

5. On the jeans note, properly fitted ones, on a man spell B-O-N-U-S in my book.

6. I do not believe in love at first site nor do I believe in one true love anymore.

7. I want someone who doesn’t want to change me. But encourages me to do so at times.

8. I like PDA when I’m one of the two involved.

9. I like it when you respond to my text messages and emails in a timely manner.

10. Tattoos are fine, tattoos with your ex-girlfriend’s name, not so good!

11. Loves me for me, no judging allowed.

12. Good relationship with his family and friends.

13. Loves himself, but is not “in love” with himself.

14. Makes me laugh.

15. Loves sarcasm, must be able to dish it and take it.

16. Is humble and not afraid to be a dork.

17. Loves movies and reality TV.

18. Checks my attitude when it needs to be (in a loving and kind way).

19. Is not afraid to share himself completely.

20. Smiles and laughs with his heart and soul.

That’s it people…the list isn’t that long and should be easy to find…so put on your glasses, locate your “Man Finding” GPS, and get hopping. After all, I’m going to be forty…some day!

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #15

Hardened to Love

Divorce hurts!

But the crazy thing about divorce is that it not only hurts the person who got left behind, but apparently it also hurts the person doing the leaving.

For those of you that have never gone through a divorce, I say congratulations. And for you, I paint this picture…divorce is like having a piece of yourself ripped away, it’s like a dull ache that never goes away. Divorce makes it hurt to breathe all day, every day in the beginning! It is a deep, searing debilitating pain. It’s a pain that I do not wish on anyone, not even my worst enemies!

Clearly, divorce sucks! According to statistics, the only other event in life that causes more stress to oneself is the death of a spouse. Divorce causes more stress than let’s say getting fired or going to jail. But probably the most stressful part of divorce, if you are the one that was dumped, is the fact that your spouse, or the person you once loved dearly, is still out in the world walking around. And if you have kids, it means you still have to see that person several times a week. It’s not like a death where you don’t ever see that person ever again. Not that I would ever wish death on my ex, but in hind sight it might have made the transition from being loved and married to being divorced and unloved, a lot easier.

The first couple of years after my divorce, the pain just kept coming and coming. Sometimes I would get a breather and think, “oh good, the hard part is over”, but more often than not, when I was overcome with that particular feeling, more trouble was just around the corner.

What made my divorce so awful and debilitating at times, you might ask? Well, in my case, I loved my husband dearly when he walked out on us. I thought we had a good marriage. Did we have a great marriage? Probably not, but it was good. Looking back now I think we both fell into the trap of being only parents and the deeper we got into this role, the quicker we fell away from being husband and wife, friends and lovers.

When my ex left he could never really say that he was leaving me for someone else, someone who could offer him more than I could. So he did the unthinkable, he blew me away with a couple of shots to my self esteem that took me almost four years to recover from. Are you wondering what he could have possibly said or done that was so bad? I bet you are!

Early on in our separation I could never get him to admit that he left me for someone else, even though it was confirmed by some of his friends. He left me for someone he worked with. Talk about a crushing blow…and if that wasn’t enough, instead of him telling me that at the time he took the other route, the route that I thought would always be unforgiveable. He told me, in these exact words,
“I don’t love you. I have never loved you. I am not attracted to you and I have never been attracted to you.”

I will NEVER ever forget those words or the distances in his eyes when he said them to me. You can only imagine what those words did to me after 15 years together(7 in a relationship, 8 married).

Those words sent me into a downward spiral, mentally, physically and emotionally. A spiral that took me years to come out of. Years of therapy and positive self talk. Years of knowing I was not the person he said I was, but not knowing how to believe it. In my mind it was just as Julie Roberts says in Pretty Woman, “the bad stuff is easier to believe.”

I knew that I would never be able to forgive my ex for those hurtful words. To this day, I still cringe when I hear them in my mind. I still get nauseous when I think of that moment in time.

I thank God every day for sending me good friends and a good therapist to help me get over those
comments. For I know now that my ex did not mean what he said. I know now in so many ways that he was just scared and didn’t know what else to do.

I could only hope one day to receive an apology for that moment in our lives. I know not to expect one, but if I ever got one, I guarantee you it will mean more to me than anything in this world ever has.

My ex and I have come a long way in these past five years. But more importantly, I feel like I have become the person I was before we had kids. I am an independent woman and thinker who loves life and all that it has to offer. Sure, I’m still a good mom, but I have also figured out how to balance being a good mom while still persuing my dreams.

I lost my identity once my ex and I had kids! But I’m proud to say that I have found myself and like myself. Never ever again will I let any one individual hurt my self esteem like that.

But what I will say to my ex, if he is reading this is, THANK YOU! Thank you for setting me free and allowing me the chance to see who I lost! For that I will be forever grateful! I still wish every day that we could have figured out a way to keep our independence and still be one happy family, but it wasn’t in our cards at the time.

Here’s to the future!

Love is a Battlefield

Project Love: Day #11

Swept Away

I think of him often, daily, in fact.
Some would say it is far too often.
Others would be excited at the thought.

It’s a complex affair of mixed feelings.
The twinge of deep regret of the past.
The entirely too strong desire of the present.

Some days my heart turns bright shades of red out of foolishness.
Other days it beats so strong with happiness.
Either way, I still think of him.

He was flawed, insensitive and selfish.
He is intriguing, funny and sexy.
Attributes I have always found intoxicating.

Maybe I know him to well.
Maybe I know him to little.
Perhaps I am blinded by rose-colored glasses.

I want him more than I have ever wanted anything.
And I still think of him.
Daily.

Love is a Battlefield

Project Love: Day #6

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Is being in love with someone worth the hurt when we lose that love? Would life be the same without the experience of love? Would we be missing something if we never knew what love was?

In other words, is love really worth the risk?

When you think about it, there is risk in almost everything that we do. But there is no greater risk than the risk of love. Every time you share a look or shed a tear with someone special, you are opening yourself up to both love and hurt. Because of this potential of hurt, some people hold back and tread lightly through life hoping to avoid the risk that love may bring. Sometimes we even end up sidestepping what we aren’t able to understand, or turning away from those whom we care about too much, just to avoid the potential pain that love can bring. It’s a battle that we can choose to fight or choose to ignore.

To me, love is the greatest risk of all. But I think it is definitely a risk worth taking! It may scar our hearts and leave us with only memories, but it is worth it. It may make us sometimes feel like there is no need for tomorrow, but trust me, love is worth it. It’s worth the risk!

In order to be successful at love you cannot approach it cautiously because it will not wait for you to protect your heart. Love doesn’t care if you turn away, it is everywhere. It’s unpredictable yet comfortable. It is reliable yet scary. It’s amazing and hurtful all at the same time. It is also something that can bring us to our knees in one blow. Sometimes even when things are good, love hurts, but I think, more times than not, it hurts worse to be alone.

The risk of love never goes away, in fact, it grows stronger and more powerful with time. But it is with total surrender, be it weak or strong, whether we want it or not, that love often finds us.

And it’s only when love consumes our every thought and desire, or every breath we take, that we often get ourselves into trouble. In fact, I believe that love shouldn’t consume our lives but it should be a part of what urges us to live. I believe you may never know true happiness until you have truly loved just as you may never truly understand what pain is until you have lost love.

So hold tight to your memories and never let them out of your grasp. They are the one thing that time can never ever steal from you.

Project Love: Day #4

To Young to Love

Yesterday I talked about my first celebrity crush…Tom Cruise. Looking back on that “incident” still makes me cringe. I think writing about that experience has made me think about it even more. My plan to write about it and forget about it obviously backfired!

But, it did also make me think of my first real crush.

It was on my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Big (name changed to protect the innocent). For your pure enjoyment here is a picture of my fourth grade class, the year is 1981.

Mr. Big is obviously the only adult in the picture. Look at him, will you? Even today, some twenty plus years later, he is still handsome. He was tall and had a fantastic head of hair and beautiful blue eyes. He was the sweetest man I knew. In fact if that guy, the exact one in the picture, asked me out on a date today, I would be all over it.

Oh, by the way, I’m the one off to Mr. Big’s left with the blue jacket, blue jeans, blonde bowl cut, and red high heels. Yes, I said high heels! Hey people, I was serious about this crush…I was no dummy! I knew men liked a woman in heels. I didn’t care if we were on a field trip out in the middle of the country or not, I was gonna wear my heels.

I’m sure my mom fought me on my shoe choice before school…but it looks like I either won the fight, sucka! Or I wore tennis shoes, like she suggested, and then snuck the heels in my book bag and changed on the bus. Either way…I think I made the best decision, right?

And see the cute little red head two people to the right of me, in the green jacket. That is (still to this day) my best friend, Super Mom. She and I met for the first time this particular year and became fast friends. At the time we lived right down the street from each other and from fourth grade on we were inseperable.

We still see each other, not as often as I would like, but we are still the best of friends. In fact, she is the one that my dad first called when he found out my ex was leaving me. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and my dad knew I needed the support. She was at my house with coffee in hand within 30 minutes. God love her! I still tear up when I think about how supportive of me she has been over the years.

But that’s a post for another day, back to Mr. Big.

He was dashing! I loved going to school that year. Oh who am I kidding, I’m a girl, I loved going to school every year. But that year in particular was awesome. I’m sure I was an annoying fourth grade girl who giggled too much, who was bossy at times, and who always wanted to be the center of attention, but Mr. Big always made me feel like I was special. No, not, “this is getting creepy and deserves to be an After School Special” kind of special. But you know, he always had this way of including me and making me feel like the center of attention even though there were twenty other kids in the room.

Come to find out, when one of my other friends in this class posted this picture on Face Book, it turns out that all of the girls in that picture felt the same way I did.

Huh, guess I wasn’t as special as I thought.

And that particular year, my friends, is the year I believe my insecurities about men always liking my friends better than me, started.

Love is a Battlefield

Project Love: Day #3

Love Fades

When I was a kid I had several celebrity crushes. My biggest was In fact, Tom Cruise. I had a poster of him on my wall in his Top Gun fighter uniform that I would kiss every night before I would go to bed. I loved that poster and was destroyed the day that I “took” it down.

It was a day that has seemd to live on for me. It was a very sad yet embarrassing moment in my life, one that continues to haunt me. Telling you this story is a huge step for me because I swore that I would never ever talk about this moment again in my life. But I’m thinking that maybe if I share my embarrassment with you then I will somehow erase it from my brain and not think about it every day.

Seriously I think about the day that the Tom Cruise poster came off my wall… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

It was a rainy summer day. My friends were gone and I was forced to entertain myself at home. We didn’t have cable TV, video games, iPods or Wii. However, I suspect if we had had those things, I would have been bored with them as quickly as my kids are now. But I digress.

What we did have were cassette tapes. And as you can imagine, my favorite cassette at the time was the Top Gun Soundtrack. I mean seriously, who didn’t love, Playing with the Boys by Kenny Loggins or You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling by The Righteous Brothers

Am I the only one that used to fantasize that Tom Cruise would meet me in the bathroom at my local McDonald’s in the mall and break out with “you never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips?”

Like most little girls with a huge crush on Tom Cruise, my favorite song was definitely, Take My Breath Away by Berlin. I used to listen to that song over and over and over again. Listen, rewind, listen, rewind, listen, rewind. In fact, I listened to it so much that I finally wore the cassette tape out. Lucky for me this was the day and age of the “single soundtrack”. So I convinced my dad to take me to the mall so that I could spend my allowance on a new cassette. And when I got it home I got smart and recorded it ten times in a row on a blank cassette so that I wouldn’t have to rewind it anymore. Smart, I know…classic cassette tape to cassette tape recording…seems so ancient doesn’t it?

WARNING: Here comes the embarrassing part. I usually like to be warned of instances like this so that I can huddle in the fetal position behind my couch with a pillow over my eyes.

Take My Breath Away…a classic! I loved this song SOOOO much…the lyrics were so romantic, so inspirational and at one moment they just took me away. I got up and was singing at the top of my lungs to one Mr. Tom Cruise. I was stroking his face with one hand while singing into my hairbrush with the other, gazing lovingly at the Flat Stanley version of my future boyfriend. There was no stopping me, it was just me and Tom eye to eye, cheek to cheek. The song was coming to a close and I gently rubbed my index finger across his beautiful, surgically enhanced lips when in the flash of a second, the music stopped, I hear my brothers giggling, I jump onto my bed while grabbing the poster at the same time screaming at them out of pure embarrassment.

I was yelling at my brothers to go away, screaming to my mom to make them go away and crying because I had just ripped my poor boyfriend in half. The devastation of that moment when you are scared shitless yet embarrassed at the same time…This feeling will live on forever in me!

I will never ever forget this moment in my life. And to this day, I believe it was that particular moment that I no longer had a crush on Tom Cruise.

My parents replaced the poster for me at Christmas, but I didn’t have the heart to hang it up. In fact, just looking at the poster or the thought of hanging it up made my stomach cringe with embarrassment.

So long Mr. Cruise…may you be loved by many others.

Lesson learned: When singing to a Flat Stanley version of your future boyfriend, shut the bedroom door.

Love is a Battlefield

Christmas way back when

Today, December 14th, marks the official first day of Christmas. And as I reflect on what the first day of Christmas brings, possibly a partridge in a pear tree, I can’t help but be reminded of my childhood Christmas celebrations.

I have such magical memories of these past Christmas celebrations. My parents always did a fabulous job of making this season the most wonderful time of the year, just as the song states. It always started with decorating the Christmas tree on the first Saturday of December. It was always such a magical day that would not be complete with out Elvis’ rendition of White Christmas. My mom and I used to love that song and of course my brothers and dad dreaded hearing it each year. To this day, I still get teary eyed every time I hear that song because it reminds me of my beautiful mom.

But it wasn’t just that one day that I looked forward to…it was the entire month. I loved everything about the month of December, whether it be one on one shopping with my dad to scout out the perfect gift for my mom, or the solid day of baking Christmas cookies, or sledding with my brothers, or the annual Christmas Eve party at my Aunt and Uncle’s house…every day seemed special, all because my parents made it special!

Unfortunately, through the years, especially since my divorce, I have done a very poor job of making Christmas equally as special for my kids. Christmas has since become a very lonely time of year for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have tons of family and friends who always help me get through the holiday but for some reason it still feels so lonely. Maybe it’s because, to me, Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas without a mom and a dad participating equally in making the season so special for the little ones. In fact, there is no maybe about it…I know that it my problem. And since my future doesn’t seem to look any different in the man department, I vow, this year, to get out of my funk, stop living in a dream world, and start making some traditions of my own with my kids. I vow to make the changes necessary to create those fond memories for my kids that I once had…traditions that they will hopefully pass down for generations to come.

So thanks to one of my new favorite blogs, The World According 2 Lisa, I will be stealing some of her ideas and make an annual tradition out of celebrating the Twelve Days of Christmas in style…

On the First Day of Christmas, I will sing along with and out loud to all Christmas music that I hear during the day, whether by myself or at lunch with friends.

On the Second Day of Christmas, I will do a Christmas craft with Hamilton and Gibson…maybe we can cut out paper snowflakes or decorate a gingerbread house…who knows where the evening will take us.

On the Third Day of Christmas, we will make our handmade ornaments for grandma and grandpa. Only this year, I won’t worry about the mess that we make or the amount of time it takes to finish the project.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas, we will go to our local store and hand out candy canes while spreading the joy of Christmas.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas, we, me included, will write our letters to Sand and drive them downtown to Santa’s mailbox.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, we will each make one home made gift for someone less fortunate and donate them to the local homeless shelter.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas, Hamilton, Gibson and I will watch a Christmas movie while stringing together popcorn garlands. Afterward we will all snuggle together and talk about why we are so excited for Christmas.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, we will bake our annual birthday cake for Baby Jesus and sing Happy Birthday to Him over and over again. It may be an earlier celebration than years past, but it’s really the one thing that gets us all excited each year.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas, the boys and I will drive through the city searching for the best Christmas lights while singing loudly to every single Christmas song that comes on the radio.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas, I will color a picture for my dad and write him a note that tells him how special he is to me and how much I love him.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, Hamilton, Gibson and I will make home made cookies with cookie cutters, icing, sprinkles and candies. We will play Christmas music very loud and not worry about making a mess.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, I will get up, with a huge smile on my face, no matter what time my kids wake me up. We will stay in our jammies all day, have cookies for breakfast and leave all of the wrapping paper on the floor until later. We will enjoy each and every moment of Christmas morning.

Wow! I don’t know about you, but I’m already in the Christmas mood and starting to have a little of that same excitement about the holidays that I did as a kid. Only eleven more days left!

Whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Yesterday’s post has really made me think about my long road to recovery. January 7th will be the fifth year anniversary of my ex-husband asking for a divorce…out of the blue. And in the midst of asking for a divorce these words came out of his mouth…verbatim, “I don’t love you, I am not attracted to you, I have never been attracted to you.” Talk about a knife to the heart! Those are statements that I will NEVER ever forget! It didn’t take long for them to send me into a tailspin of low self esteem, and I have struggled to recover from those harsh words ever since. But after five long years of therapy, both professional and with friends, I have realized that I am loveable! I am beautiful! And though I never would have believed it five years ago, I am a better person today because of those statements. They forced me to delve deep within and begin the process of loving myself, because how can I expect to love someone if I don’t love myself first, right? Those statements alone gave me the opportunity to step back, let go and regroup.

In this long recovery process, I have learned many things. First, and foremost, I am reminded that it is ok to focus on me, every once in a while. And it is this focus that has allowed me to grieve the loss of what I thought was the perfect family. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t given myself the proper amount of time to focus on me and grieve properly I would not be as far along in my recovery as I am today.

During this struggle to learn how to love me I was also able to re-acquaint myself with my friends and lean on them for support. Some days it took a lot for me to get out of the house and spend times with them, but I did it anyway. Most of the time I had to force myself to get together with the girls but in the end I was always glad I did. I often found that the quality time with my friends went a long way towards healing my spirit. But mostly, the time with my friends helped me take the focus off of my ex and place more of an emphasis on building and strengthening the friendships of these women I love and who love me.

I also took this time to focus on my health. Most days, in the beginning, I didn’t want to eat but I forced myself to anyway. And then I soon realized that I felt better if I hit the gym and worked out. This, not only got me out of the house, but it also forced me to remember that the best way to get over someone was NOT to get under someone new. I quickly realized that if my head wasn’t in the right place the loneliness would kick in and my focus then became replacing someone that hurt me instead of focusing on becoming healthier both mentally and physically, and finding someone that loved me.

What I struggled with the most was the rebuilding of my confidence and self esteem. I knew that the sooner I focused on rebuilding these the better I would feel. And in order for me to do this, I needed to figure out what really went wrong in my relationship so I focused on learning a lesson from this hurt and pain. I learned that I didn’t NEED someone in my life to make me happy. I learned to live my life without him. And what I figured is that I am living a happier live now than I ever thought I would. I am actually liking who I have become.

It’s funny as I look back…if you would have told me five years ago that I wasn’t happy, that I needed to focus more on me, that I needed to strengthen my friendships, that I needed to be healthier both mentally and physically or that I needed to have more self esteem and self confidence, I would have laughed at you! I thought I had all of that…I WAS WRONG!

But this I do know…because I have focused on healing and rebuilding I know that there is someone out there that will love me in the way I want…I just have to find him. And I will never find him if I am wallowing in self doubt. I’m so glad I picked myself up by my bra straps and realized that there was so much more to live for. And even though no one likes to go through a break up, it is what I needed and has taught me many valuable lessons that I hope will help guide my future relationships.

Wait…what…huh? I think I just had a light bulb moment…Maybe it was all of this healing and rebuilding of Julie that is opening the eyes of these men from my past. Whatever the reason, I have to admit…all this attention feels good!

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster

Divorce does not equal failure! Oh wow…did I really just say that out loud? Honestly, it took me over four years to be able to convince myself that my divorce did not equal failure. I struggled with this concept more than any other concept in my recovery. My brain was just stubborn when it came to this theory. I couldn’t get it through my thick skull that I had no control over the situation so I couldn’t consider it a failure. What I had to realize was that my divorce was just part of my story. The part of my story that I was holding on to…and holding onto for dear life! I think it’s how I was created. I identified myself with my divorce. It was my comfort zone. I had convinced myself that it was the reason I am who I am and I was using it as an excuse to not live the life I wanted.

What I eventually realized was that my story was preventing me from moving on with my life. I had to figure out a way to move beyond it before I could actually move on, have a smile on my face and laugh again. Oh boy…did I want to learn how to laugh again. So you know what I did? I sat down with my friend and told her my story…one last time. It was the story of who I was before I got married, who I became during my marriage, and who I wanted to be after recovering from my divorce. My friend was a trooper. She had heard my story a hundred times…and told me a hundred times that I was a better person than I was giving myself credit for. She loved me and would have listened to me tell my story a hundred more times if that is what it took to help me move on. At the end of my story I made a conscious effort to keep my divorce in the past and reminded myself for the last time that my present and future was so much more than what someone had done to me. By living in that story I was giving my ex and the situation all the power…all these years later. I know, what a waste of time, effort and energy!

My life is now about not letting my past dictate who I am, but letting it be a part of who I want to become. From now on I will be busy creating my new life…my new story! So my goal by the end of 2009 is to figure out what I want my new life, relationships, finances, health, love, family and my body to look like in 2015. I believe with all my heart that this new life is possible. I know it is within my reach and I am EXCITED! You see, I figured there are two choices I can take. I can choose to take action now and purposely create my new life, or I can look back in five years and see nothing but more wasted time. I will NOT waste another five years!

So I ask you, my friends…the next time I start my story…please stop me and remind me to choose something better to talk about. Nudge me with a little reminder that the story I am telling is in the past…even if it is mid-sentence. Remind me that my divorce was a test and not a final! Remind me that my life is a series of events, small ones that lead up to big ones that make me who I am.

Not anymore

For some reason I have been addicted to lists lately. I keep a running “to do” list at home and at work. Both lists have a box in front of each item that I am addicted to checking off. My palms actually get a little sweaty at the thought of being able to check an item off of one of these lists. This sense of accomplishment is huge for me. I don’t have a lot of people in my life to praise me on a daily basis, so this “checking items off” ritual is my form of pats on the back…it’s what keeps my tank full!

What this new found sense of accomplishment has taught me is that I’m not the girl I used to be. I’ve changed a lot over the years, some for the better, some for the worse. But through the good, the bad and the ugly, here is what I have learned:

I used to be the girl who worked out everyday. I am now the girl that realizes there is more to life than a six pack and killer arms.

I used to be the girl who was jealous of the lives celebrities lived. I’m now the girl who has realized that I could never be paid enough to be watched, criticized, and scrutinized for every move I make.

I used to be the girl who thought going to work solely meant working. I’m now the girl that knows if I don’t throw in a little fun while there, I will never get through the day.

I used to be the girl who thought ALL men were pigs. I’m now the girl that thinks most men are pigs.

I used to be the girl who drove an SUV because it was the cool thing to do. I’m now the girl that drives a sensible four door car because it gets me from point A to point B and gets more than ten miles to the gallon.

I used to be the girl who did not care about having God in my life. I’m now the girl that knows without God, I am incomplete.

I used to be the girl who dated jerks. I’m now the girl that just dates weirdos!

I used to be the girl who thought that people who were over thirty and not married were old maids. Now that I am over thirty and not married I don’t think that anymore.

I used to be the girl who wanted a lot of kids. I’m now the girl that thinks two or three is sufficient.

I used to be the girl who thought I couldn’t survive without a man in my life. I’m now the girl that knows that I can!

I used to be the girl who thought that I had to complete my list of life goals that I created when I was twenty. I’m now the girl who realizes that it is sometimes more realistic to change the plan in the middle of the game.

I used to be the girl who thought the perfect family was a traditional family…you know, mom, dad and 2.5 biological kids. I’m now the girl that realizes the perfect family is what you make it, as long as love is involved, it is the perfect family!

I used to be the girl who would just let things bother me and not stand up for what I believe in. I’m now the girl who will fight to the end for what’s right!

I used to be the girl who wasn’t very strong. I’m now the girl that could move mountains.

I used to be the girl who hated being single. I’m now the girl that is enjoying the journey.

I used to be the girl who felt guilty for having fun when my kids were with their dad. I’m now the girl that understands the importance of a little “me time”.

I used to be the girl who was afraid of failure. I’m now the girl that happily takes credit for my achievements and responsibility for my failures.

I used to be the girl who couldn’t make decisions without consulting others first. I’m now the girl that listens to my moods, follows my instincts, enjoys being silent and pays attention to what happens next.

But by far the most pertinent thing I have learned over the years is how important it is to continue love those around me, NO MATTER WHAT! I am learning to embrace the love, share the love and by all means, accept the love of those that want to love me.