If...

If I were still married, today would have been my 14th wedding anniversary.

This thought makes me sad. Not because I miss my Ex, but because I like the idea of being married.

I like the idea of being a family unit.

I like having someone in my life to share in the ups and downs.

I like knowing that no matter how my day is, I can count on my spouse to give me a hug or a high five.

I like having a cheerleader on my side.

I like having someone to share my funny stories with.

I like the idea of hanging with my best friend every day.

I like the idea of knowing I have someone that would challenge me to be the best me I can be.

I like knowing I have someone to grow old with.

I like knowing that I have someone who will listen to me and reason with me.

I like knowing I have a friend that I don’t have to explain things to…he just gets me.

I like having someone to ride life’s roller coaster with.

I like knowing that we don’t always have to speak to understand each other.

I like having someone to snuggle up to at night and wake up next to in the mornings.

I like the companionship and unwavering support.

I like having someone that makes me feel safe.

I like the feeling of being needed by someone else.

If only...

I want that

So I managed to survive my 40th birthday with grace and maturity all while keeping my dignity in check. I know some of you are surprised by that, but that’s what happens when one turns 40…it’s called personal growth people! I had a great week long celebration with family and lots of friends. Heck, I might even be so bold as to wish that 40th birthdays could happen every year…yep, it was that good.

But…

Oh come on, nothing is that good…you had to know there was a “but” coming somewhere along the way.

As much as I was looking forward to turning 40, there is still one thing that I really hate about it.

No, it’s not the fact that I woke up to this on Saturday morning…



…nothing like the smell of fire to make you sit up straight in your bed bright and early on a Saturday morning.

And no it’s not the fact that I think I got food poisoning during my birthday celebration with Hot Fireman on Friday night. (Sorry Hot Fireman, if you're reading this, I promise to make it up to you soon. And we both know soon in our schedules is within the next six weeks or your birthday, whichever comes first.)

And it’s definitely not that I haven’t accomplished any of the goals I set for myself to accomplish before I turned 4o.

Nope, it’s none of those…

The fact is the worst part about turning 40 is that those around you are also getting older too. And by “those around you” I mean my dad in particular.

I hate the fact that he is getting older.

In fact, I just got back from taking him home from the hospital. He was admitted into the ER after his cardiac rehab appointment.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life laying there helpless and scared not knowing what is wrong with him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know you can’t do anything to help him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know that what he wants deep down inside is to be in heaven with his wife whom he loved dearly and lost 11 ½ years ago.

It just plain sucks!

But, what I realized when I was sitting there with him is that I want what he had with my mom! They were married for 35 years before she passed away.

They truly loved each other. Sure, they bickered and took each other for granted at times, but there was never any question as to their love for each other. I want that.

They never put on an act, they were always themselves when they were around each other. There was no judging…each was accepted by the other, no matter what. I want that.

They taught me and my brothers what love is and what it means to love, especially in the end when my mom was very sick and my dad was by her side 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I want that.

They brought out the best in each other. I want that.

They talked about everything and knew that listening wasn’t just about waiting for your turn to talk. I want that.

They always knew that no matter what tomorrow may bring, today their lives were more complete because they had each other, no matter what, through thick and thin. I want that.

Growing up. my parents quickly became the role models for the relationships I had in my life. The message of how they treated one another was deeply imbedded in my psyche. And I want my kids to have that same feeling about me someday.

Maybe they will…maybe they won’t, but let’s suffice it to say, I want that too!

It can't be controlled

So I took my kids to see Gnomeo and Juliet yesterday in honor of President’s Day. It wasn’t a movie that any of us really wanted to see, but we love movies in our house (we get that quality from my mom…she LOVED movies too)and we try to see as many as we possibly can. It turned out to be really cute, and if you love Elton John, the music was fabulous. If you have little kids, I highly recommend it.

But what really caught my attention was one of the commercials they showed before the movie actually started. It was a commercial promoting the St. Vincent Heart Hospital* here in Indianapolis. It really helped open my eyes when it comes to matters of the heart.

You all know that I have been struggling a little lately with love and relationships and this commercial somehow made me realize that I don’t have a lot of control where the heart is concerned. Sometimes I feel so stupid for the way I feel. Some days are good and some days are bad, but I think that is just the circle of life, no matter how our hearts feel.

The heart...

It’s what we speak of when we are sorry or shattered.

It’s what we attribute our happiness to when we are walking on air.

At times, it summons every ounce of courage we have.

It’s a lonely hunter.

It wants what it wants.

It changes.

It breaks.

It bleeds.

We follow it.

We lose it.

We give it away.

We wear it on our sleeves.

It’s the root.

It’s the core.

It’s the center of our beings.

We fill it with love, hate, hope and determination.

It’s the difference between an expert and a champion.*

We can’t control it. We can’t guide it. We can’t give it what it wants. We can only protect it, love it and cherish it.

What is love...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs and rights. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1Corinthians 13;4-8

I don't think I have ever quoted scripture from the Bible on my blog...this is definitely a first. But what's weird is that this was the topic of the sermon at church yesterday. I haven't been to church in over a year, but I had this little voice in the back of my head when I woke up yesterday encouraging me to go. I was glad I did as the topic of love has been consuming my brain lately. I have been trying to figure out a definition for the word love and have realized that it is virtually impossible to define, because it is not only a feeling, but an action as well.

That particular Bible verse happens to describe the characteristics of true love. And the problem with trying to find true love in our dating lives is that too often we overlook those particular characteristics in search of the more materialistic ones, such as, physical appearance, social status and financial stability.

I have tried my best to get to know the individuals I date before making any kind of snap judgments, but this process too has failed me. In fact, I am flat out convinced that people aren't looking for love anymore because they don't know what love is.

So here is my attempt to define love.

What is love? Love is...

- that which frees us from all of the weight and pain of life

- a friendship set on fire

- the master key that opens the doors of happiness

- like war, easy to start but hard to end

- the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired

- the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness

- accepting, never judging

- appreciating

- wanting another person to feel good

- one of the strongest emotions a person can feel

- the answer to all questions

- a story that can never be fully expressed

- a bond or connection between two people that results in trust and intimacy

- looking past the imperfections in your partner and seeing the beautiful person inside

- no expectations of anything in return

- no restrictions

- no limitations

- being someone who loves someone for who they are, not what you think they should be

- unconditional respect

- selfless

- something between two people that never ends even through the difficult times

- a kiss given despite morning breath

- sacrifice

- when you care for someone with all your heart, soul and being

- commitment

- making the harder decision

- unconditional caring for another human being

- beautiful

- never having to say your sorry

- the willingness to forgive

- something that gives the butterflies in your stomach a reason to dust themselves off again and fly

- putting the needs of other above your own

- like heaven but hurts like hell.

The what if place

Being divorced is never easy.

We single parents have our ups and downs just like everyone else. I’m not one to say I have it easier or harder than any other single parent out there because we all have our own struggles and vices. Some are harder than others, but they are ours and we have to own up to them in order to be able to conquer them. Right?

I know it sounds good on paper. But it’s one of those things that is definitely easier said than done.

You see, my struggle or vice is an ex who I have struggled getting over for quite some time now. I don’t know what it is about him but he has this kind of hold or control over me. And it’s crazy because when I look back on our relationship he still treats me the same way now that he did then. I didn’t like it then, but I tolerated it…and I definitely don’t like it now. But I still sometimes wonder what could have been.

I often wonder if these feelings are normal.

This Ex, who shall remain nameless, in fact I will refer to him from here on out as HWSRN, or “He who shall remain nameless," was, I believe the love of my life. Note, that I say was, because I truly believe for that time in my life he was the love of my life. Now, however, I believe there is someone else out there for me that will love me for me, and he will be the real “love of my life”.

But, as true as those words are, it’s still sometimes hard to believe that it will ever happen. Especially when HWSRN rears his beautiful head again. And rear his beautiful head gain, he did. This weekend, as a matter of fact. He sent me a flirty text message. And as much as I hate to admit it, it truly excited me. It excites me because it was again validation that he does care. You see when he left he said he didn’t love me and he wasn’t attracted to me, but his text messages reveal otherwise.

I love knowing that he still thinks about me and that he still cares, but as much as I love it, it’s always like taking five steps back in my recovery. Why, you might ask. Well…you see, every time he rears his beautiful head it puts me back in the “what if” mode…what if things would have worked out, what if we would have tried harder, what if I were to give into him…again? And then I start thinking in terms of my future with the potential “real love of my life” and as difficult as this is for me to admit, I find myself thinking, “how will a relationship with the real love of my life affect HWSRN"…and I get sad. I know, I know…it’s crazy, but it’s true! I can’t help the feelings he brings out in me.

But, I stayed strong and didn’t give into his advances. It was very difficult. I did it and I feel really good about it. But I do find myself wondering if I will have as much self control when he comes around again. Because he will…and secretly, I can’t wait!

Don’t hate me.

Eat pray what?

I'm over here as well today...see if you can figure out where?

At one point in time, quite a few years back, my girlfriends and I tried to get serious about a book club. We were determined to give ourselves a month to read a book and then gather to discuss it. But what we quickly realized is that we could never have a serious conversation about the books we read. Sure we would try. The first five minutes would be a very serious discussion, but then we would realize that we had other more important things to discuss or gossip about, if you will. And only a few months in, our “book club” as we knew it, no longer existed.

One of the first books we read was Elizabeth Gilbert’s, Eat Pray Love. It was an ok book, but at the time it didn’t resonate with me very well, because I was happily married and for the life of me couldn’t figure out how someone could up and leave their life as they knew it to go “find” herself. It just didn’t make sense to me. While I still don’t agree with the reasons she left her marriage (I don’t believe she fought hard enough for it), I do envy what she did. I sometimes wish my life allowed me the same kind of opportunity. But when you have two young boys that you suddenly become responsible for, that dream of traveling the world to find yourself, becomes just that, a dream.

After my divorce, I decided to take my own little trip of sorts to find myself. And by trip, I mean, 4 years of expensive therapy. (For what I forked out in therapy, I could have probably traveled the world twofold, but that’s beside the point.) And even after all of that expensive therapy, I am still amazed that I manage to learn things about myself every day. It’s weird how the slightest thing can spark something in me and end up becoming a “light bulb moment” or learning experience .

My therapist would be proud of the light bulb moment I had this weekend.

I went to see Eat Pray Love with my girlfriends before our girls night out. The book was ok, but it was nothing to write home about, so I wasn’t super excited to see the movie, but I love movies and usually don’t turn down the offer to see one, especially when my girlfriends are going. (on a side note: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go see this movie on an empty stomach. The food looked amazing!) As I was watching, Julie Roberts portray Elizabeth Gilbert, she said something so profound and it hit me like a ton of bricks. So I went home, got my copy of the book and found the entire quote and thought I would share it with you.

Here it is.

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time- everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

And that’s when it hit me. It was that moment in the movie when I realized that I put absolutely everything I have into my relationships. And this, I believe, is why it is often very difficult for me to recover from a break-up or disappointment of any kind within my relationships.

As I see it written down on paper, I’m not proud of that part of me. I’m not proud of who that woman is. I’m sad that she seems to only be able to find happiness and security when she is in love. I’m sad that she can’t see her life for what it really is and I’m sad, that she is 39 and just waking up to this fact.

Let's keep spit balling some ideas

The other day I was going through some old journals and came across the list I had created 20 years ago in the search to find my soul mate. This was my pre-husband list and it is very detailed. I was shocked at how different it is compared to my list of requirements today. I thought some of you might get a kick out of the differences in my two lists sans 20 years apart.

1990 The Perfect Man:

1. Makes me smile
2. Sticks up for me, but still respects my independence
3. Lets me take charge of the remote control
4. Not afraid of PDA
5. His hand always seems to find mine
6. Dances with me even if he feels like a dork
7. Stares at me with loving eyes
8. Calls me for no reason
9. Loves me for me
10. Loves his family and is close with them
11. Loves life
12. Wants kids
13. Loves himself
14. A one woman man
15. Makes me laugh
16. Can laugh at himself
17. Is humble
18. Writes me little notes just because
19. Makes me feel beautiful
20. Wants someone to come alongside him as a partner
21. Has a job and works hard
22. Is honest
23. Is loyal
24. Takes care of himself physically, emotionally and mentally
25. Smiles and laughs with his heart and soul
26. Is not afraid to share himself completely
27. Respects himself and others at all times
28. Responsible
29. No drugs…No smoking
30. Handyman

2010 The Perfect Man:

1. Breathing

It’s funny how 20 years can change a woman, isn’t it?

It's almost like it's not even up to me

Writers block…ever had it? I do!

For days now I have been searching deep inside for something, funny, enlightening, unusual, rich and honest to talk about. What the heck? I can’t seem to come up with anything. I feel like I’ve written about everything, what more do I have to say that people want to hear?

I could write about the date that led to nowhere…literally, nowhere. We got lost on a dead end street. I thought (hoped) he was going to take advantage of me, but much to my dismay it wasn’t a ploy, we really were lost. But that’s a story for another time.

Or I could write about my love of celebrity gossip and how I can’t seem to get enough, but too much Speidi talk could turn anyone away fast.

I could write about how much I hate to see awesome women put up with S*%$# they don’t deserve from douche bag guys, Sandra Bullock anyone?

Or I could even break down my top 10 list of things that I think Tiger Woods could learn from Phil Mickelson, but I really want to save that for a Top Ten Friday post.

I just can’t decide!

I guess in true He Who Laughs Last fashion, I will have to revert back to my “safety topic”…LOVE.

After all these years, and 190+ blog posts later I have come to the conclusion that love might just be the craziest, funnest, scariest, most awkward part of life. We all learn about love and loss at an early age. For most of us, it’s probably when our pet fish dies and our family hovers around the toilet bowl to talk about our favorite memories of the fish before we ever so tearfully flush him down the toilet with the best intentions of sending him to the nearest retention pond to be revived by other fish that love him. (dang that was the longest run-on sentence I have ever NOT edited)

But still your heart breaks. You try to mend it with some ice cream and a sucker. And you may even begin to think that your heart may never heal. You realize in the innocence of youth that love gets under your skin and does unspeakable things to you. But after a few weeks something stirs in you and you suddenly can’t wait to go buy another fish.

Last night I started the daunting task of cleaning out my ginormous closet. I hate this process but because I am so lazy I find that I have to do it a couple of times a year. One day I may wake up and realize that if I would just put the clothes away correctly each time, I might not have to clean out my closet so much…but I digress, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Anywho…while I was cleaning it out I came across a box that had yet to be unpacked from my move, almost five years ago. I had absolutely no idea what was inside. As I opened the box I saw the ring box that was once handed to me on bended knee asking for my hand in marriage. My first thought was how awesome it would be to open the box and find the ring inside it. But then I remembered that I donated it to charity last year. My next thought was how I smiled when I said “yes”. You see, it was completely unexpected. I had dated my ex-husband for 7 years before he proposed. I had almost become comfortable with the fact that we would never get married. Then for a moment I let myself get sad over how deeply my heart broke when my marriage ended…but only for a moment!

I hate the fact that love can be lost, but I love the fact that love can stop time forever even more.

The cynical part of me wants to jump ahead 15 years from that moment in time and hit myself over the head. Bring me back to reality. A reality of the 50% club. You know the club…it’s either the 50% of all marriages succeed club or the 50% of all marriages fail club. I happen to be in the failure club and am reminded daily of the vicious cycle of relationships. The cycle that I am scared to death of ever getting involved in again.

You know the one I am talking about:

1. Boy meets girl

2. Sparks fly

3. Picture 2.5 kids and a white picket fence

4. Honeymoon phase of a new relationship

5. Comfort zone and discussions about the future start

6. Engagement

7. Marriage

8. 2.5 kids, 1 dog, 1 cat, a hamster and a fish

9. The fighting begins

10. The sex slows down and eventually stops

11. Questions arise

12. You begin to rethink the whole marriage thing

13. Divorce

Wow! That’s something to look forward to again, right? I try to stay optimistic in the face of society telling me that if I get married for a 2nd time, the chances of it surviving are about 35% and that the seven year itch is more like the five year itch. I try to keep my head above water…but sometimes just want to stop treading.

So from the dead fish, to my first love, to my ex-husband, to all the men I have ever had a moment with all I have to say is that love is a crazy thing.

Here’s hoping to the love I find in the future, that it may never be lost.

An Open Letter

Dear Future Mr.,

While I am anxiously awaiting your fairy tale arrival into my life, I feel like I should warn you that due to my amazing ability to be completely unprepared for the unexpected, chances are when we meet here in the near future, my hair will be a mess, I will look disheveled with a stain or two on my shirt and I will have probably mistaken you for the waiter, the salesman, an egomaniac, a married man or the lifeguard.

Please forgive me!

When you subtly hint at asking me out during one of our very entertaining, funny conversations please don’t take my “blank stare” reaction as one of not wanting to take you up on your offer. You see, it is so rare these days that I get asked out on a “date” date that I probably wouldn’t even know it if it hit me over the head with a big “obvious” sign attached.

But rest assured when I finally “get it” I can promise you I won’t show up to our date in a sleek, dark, shiny , spotless car, because cars never impressed me much. I will never be the girl who can impress you by talking about the horsepower, engine or size of rims. Heck I can’t even promise you my car will be clean. In fact, let me just lay it on the line for you right now, if you ever do get the opportunity to be a passenger in my car, you should be comfortable with the fact that the cheerios, goldfish and sucker sticks that adorn the floor of my car love to attach themselves to pants, shirts and jackets of unsuspecting passengers. I can also promise you that there will be a pair and a half of gloves, one broken window scraper, one empty air freshener, several half empty water bottles, football cards, McDonald's Happy Meal toys and a few books about God somewhere in the car.

I will be the girl who can off red lipstick, high heels and a dress with a neckline down to there, but only on the first date. After that there is more of a chance of me leaving the house in comfortable jeans and a shirt. I will never be around to watch baseball on TV with you and there is a huge possibility that I will scream frantically when something with four, six or eight legs goes scurrying across the floor. So please don’t laugh at me, because if you do, I might just have to bring up how you are scared of clowns just to even the score.

But seriously, it gets better.

I will tell you that I can cook. You will be thrilled at that statement until you actually see my version of cooking. It involves mostly items that you can take out of the freezer, pull the film back and heat in the microwave. On high. For five minutes. And the fact that I shout “holymothershitmothershitthat’shot” every single time I pull your dinner out of the microwave, will make you laugh at first, but trust me, it won’t take long for you to roll your eyes and get irritated that I just can’t seem to figure out that that dang plastic dish is gonna be hot!

Every once in a while I will try on a couple of different pairs of jeans before we go out and ask you which one make my butt look smaller. And if you say “they both look the same” or “your butt looks small in those, but your belly looks big (like Gibson often does)” I will kick your ass and then gently remind you which pair makes me look better. And when you ask me why I find it necessary to own 42 pair of jeans I will attempt to explain to you that they are all different. You will lose interest, possibly even dose off, heck, you might even look at me like you hear what I am saying. I will know you aren’t really interested in the answer, but I definitely appreciate you giving it your all and showing an interest. If you’re I might even show you my appreciation by letting you help me fold a load of those clean jeans.

But…

I will be the girl that makes you chicken noodle soup when you aren’t feeling well, I will run home at lunch to let your dog out when you get tied up at work. I will surprise you with breakfast in bed every once in a while. I will constantly remind you of how sexy I think you are. I will sing your praises to all my friends. I will love you unconditionally. I will remember the name of your favorite childhood game and first girl that ever broke your heart. I will drink beer with your friends, laugh at your jokes, and cherish our relationship.

We will be one of those cool couples that love to be with each other, but also understands the importance of alone time or time away with our friends. We will be one of those couples that enjoys PDA when we are the ones involved and laugh at those expressing PDA when we aren’t involved. We will try all of those Cosmo approved sex tricks that we sometimes laugh at but insist on trying. I won’t tell anyone that you like to dance if you won’t laugh at me every time I cry while watching a movie that I have already seen. I will stay up late watching sports with you and will tell my friends how lucky I am to have you.

Of course I realize that our initial meeting could go exactly like this or it may not. But I thought I should at least let you know in advance that I am less scared of you now than I once was. And when we do meet, I’m sure I will be charmed, that is of course, if I don’t mistake you for a salesman.

Looking forward to our first awkward encounter.

Inspired by this.

So many things in life are about timing, like horse racing and hard boiled eggs

I do not know what my problem has been these last few weeks. Suddenly I have become so sentimental about my past. I have worked so hard to not let my mind go back to the past, but I have really struggled with it as of late. There was the Smarties post a few weeks ago and now this week…another emotional reminder of the past.

But this one is kind of funny too (stick with it until the end).

Hamilton, my oldest has recently started asking me to get down his memory box to look through. Normally I like to do this kind of stuff with my kids, but every time he asks it seems like it is five minutes before bedtime and quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy at that time of night. Not that it takes a lot of energy to get a box off the closet shelf…but it’s just that usually by that time I am ready for my kids to go to bed so that I can have some quiet time and wind down for the evening. Plus a part of me thinks it’s a stall tactic for not wanting to go to bed…but I digress.

Anyway, last week Hamilton asked to get the memory box down again and this time I had no excuse…it was 7:30, far enough away from bedtime and to soon after dinner to have gotten to relaxed for the evening. So I gave in, and I am so glad I did!

The first thing we pulled out of the box was his outfit that he came home from the hospital in. It was hilarious to hear him say, “I used to be that tiny?” He didn’t believe me when I told him that the outfit was way to big on him when we brought him home. You see, he was born 5 ½ weeks early and 0-3 month clothes practically fell off of him. I had a picture of him the day we took him home and he was shocked…it was a priceless moment.

We went through the box recalling old memories and me telling him stories that he was, at times, to young to remember. It was a great moment, sharing these memories with he and Gibson. Until Gibson realized that we weren’t going to go through his memory box the same night…it was getting late. I promised him another night, and he was NOT happy. But that’s just Gibby.

Anyway, we were just getting ready to put the memory box away for the night when Hamilton noticed what looked like a handwritten letter sticking out of his memory book. He pulled it out and asked what it was. It was my handwriting, but I didn’t remember writing anything. So I decided to read it out loud to Hamilton. BIG MISTAKE! It was a letter dated January 2001 (2 months before his due date). It was my promise to him, as a mother. It was a letter about my fears and excitement of becoming a mother for the first time. I blubbered my way through the entire letter. By the end of it, I had snot dripping out of my nose. But the best part of all was looking over at Hamilton and seeing the tears and emotion in his face.

I thought you all might like to read what I wrote:

Dear Unborn Child,

I feel you inside of me and it is a sensation that I cannot explain. With each little kick I feel, I dream of the child you will become and fear the mommy I will be. I am torn apart when I think of you. On one hand, I cannot wait for you to arrive so that I can shower you with my love and affection. On the other hand, I fear your birth, because I fear the kind of mother I will be. I want to keep you inside of me where no one can hurt you and I will always be able to protect you. Deep down inside I know you will be a strong loving human being. I know you will turn out to be someone better than I could ever imagine. I know that as you grow, you will fall and I will pick you up until you can get back up on your own. I will always be on your side and I will never turn my back on you. I know that the day will come when you won’t like me very much, and I will try to be patient with you as your life changes, because so too will mine.

I can only hope and wish that I am a mother that you can be proud of. I only hope that one day we can be as close as my mom and I were. She taught me so many things and I can’t wait to teach you the same things. I wish that you came with a book of instructions to help me out, but my mom always said that being a mother comes naturally. I know that every day you are with me, I will be learning alongside with you. I ask you to be patient with me as I learn to be the best mommy to you that I can.

I want you to know that as a mother, I have great expectations for you. I think of the great things that you will be able to do because I am going to work hard to give you the opportunities to do so. But I will also let you follow your own heart and I will stand behind you and the decisions you make. I will never push you to do things that you don’t want to do. I always promise to be honest with you if you promise the same for me. Life out here is hard. There are good days and there are bad days and as you get older, you may see that the world and the people in it can sometimes be cold. I wish I could protect you from any pain or fear that you may feel, but that is yet another learning process for us. No one ever said it would be easy, but I can promise you it will be worth it. You just be the person you were raised to be and the person you feel in your heart you should be and that is all you can do.

If I could teach you one thing from the beginning it would be to remember that when you have hatred in your heart, it takes up the room that you should be filling with love for others. I know that it is hard not to hate sometimes, but let me tell you, it isn’t for us! There are a lot of lessons that you will learn in life, but forgiveness is by far the most important. I believe that a person that cannot forgive is sometimes worse off than the person needing the forgiveness. No one says you have to forgive and forget, but forgiveness is of the utmost importance.

Also, know that this world is a huge place and there are many opportunities for you here. Don’t let anyone or anything ever hold you back from going out and spreading your wings. I want you to be young and try not to grow up to fast. There is plenty of time in life for you to do the adult things, enjoy being a child! Take each day slowly. Enjoy life and have fun doing it because you will not be able to get back the days and years that go by.

Last, but not least, though there is so much more that I want to say, I want you to know that there will never be a day when I will not be here for you. I want you to know that you can always come to me, for anything, big, small or just to talk. I will do my absolute best for you and try to never fail you. Even if some day I am no longer on this earth, I will always be there for you if you keep me in your heart.

I love you baby and I always will. Nothing or no one will ever change that. You are the most important thing in my life.

Love you always,
Mommy

It was silent, except for the sobbing when I got done reading the letter. Until Hamilton spoke these words…

“Priceless mommy…priceless! I love you.” And my heart melted all over again.

And in true Gibson form, the tears and emotion that Hamilton and I were sharing were immediately turned into hysterical laughter when he comes flying into the room in nothing but his underwear and a Zorro cape and says “What’s happenin’ hot stuff.” (ala Long Duck Dong, Sixteen Candles).

Seriously people, I can’t make this stuff up! Gibson makes me laugh.

I love my boys!

Mr. Smarty Pants

Have you ever just been going through your day like a normal person when “WHAM!” something happens that brings back a memory so buried in your inner core that you are shocked you even remembered it?

Well…that exact scenario happened to me last week. And it kind of freaked me out. It made me wonder if there are other things, bad things possibly, that my brain has not let me remember…you know, kind of in a protective way.

But that is not what today’s post is about. Today, I’m going to fill you in on this emotional memory that this particular moment brought back.

Set up:

I’m sitting at my 3rd graders basketball practice, or what I usually like to call “yawn fest”. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to watch my kids play sports! I really do. The games are awesome, but the practices, not so much. Setting up plays, practicing free throws, in bound passes, defense, blah, blah, blah, blah…You lost me at “hello.” Normally I will read a magazine or do a crossword puzzle and let the other parents worry about what my six year old is doing. What? I don’t ignore my six year old on purpose, but sometimes an article in US magazine about the length of Brad Pitt’s beard is so exciting that I forget I brought another child with me.

Anyway, that’s enough bad parenting confessions for one day…back to the story.

This particular practice I am sitting at the top talking with one of the other moms, whom I totally adore. Our oldest sons have been on the same basketball team for the past couple of years. The boys as well as us parents have developed a pretty good friendship. Anyway, my friend, the mom, has three other kids. Her second son is friends with Gibson and then she has two of the cutest freaking girls I think I have ever seen, I would guess they were four and two.

This particular night my friend forgot to bring stuff with her to keep the girls occupied during basketball practice. So they were all over her asking for gum. My friend didn’t bring in her purse so she didn’t have any gum with her. Her girls weren’t excited about that, so she told them to check her pockets. They were pulling out receipts, stickers, scrap papers, pony tail holders…but no gum. Until the youngest reaches into a hidden pocket in her jacket and she pulls out one of these…In the blink of an eye, I start to tear up and get emotional. I immediately have a flashback of the year 1990 when I first met The Ex. It was the summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year at college and I had just started my summer job where he worked.
He was nice and funny and exciting to be around. He was four years older than me and boy I thought he knew how to live life. I was infatuated with him, but not in a, I have to be around you at every moment kind of way. It was more like he was just a really cool guy to hang out with. We had fun together. He taught me how to loosen up and enjoy life a little. We became fast friends and hung out quite a while before we started dating.

Anyway, I was a receptionist at this summer job and he was in sales. I loved working at the same place as The Ex. It made work fun to go to everyday. We would chat and have lunch and shoot each other little glances throughout the day. It was great.

One day, I couldn’t go to lunch with him and was sad. He went with some of his buddies and on the way back stopped to pick up his dry cleaning. When he came back to work he came up to check in and said that he had brought me a little present. I was so excited. What could it have been? A piece of pie, a cup of coffee, a diamond ring? The anticipation was killing me, until he pulled out a package of Smarties he had picked up at the dry cleaners.

He said he had thought of me when he saw them.

It made me smile!

From that day forward he would bring me Smarties every time he picked up his dry cleaning. I loved it that he was thinking about me when I wasn’t with him.

I don’t know what it was about that candy that made him think of me, but to this day every time I see a roll of Smarties I get a little teary eyed and think of him.

Project Love: Day #28

Ready for Love

Well, here we are, at the end of another month. I want to pat myself on the back for posting every single day in the month of February (note to self: never ever again, the pressure!) It was a struggle, but I learned so much about myself during Project Love month. I think I may do this every year during the month of February. It was a very exhilarating educational experience for me. I learned so much about myself. So much so that I think I have cleared my head and may be ready to move on in search of that lucky bastard to spend the rest of my life with.

In fact, today is sort of an anniversary of mine. It was five years ago today, that I actually made myself get out of bed for the first time in almost a month, put on make-up and venture out in public. It was this day, five years ago that I decided I wasn’t going to let my ex get the best of me. It was this day, five years ago, that I woke up, smelled the coffee, and was determined to find who I had lost!

And by golly, I think I’m almost there. In fact, I think I am kind of thankful for my divorce? Thankful because I don’t know if I would have ever realized how lost I was if I were still married.

So, I say Cheers! Cheers to never looking back. Cheers to the future. And because I don’t like to waste time…here it is ladies, (and by ladies I mean all my friends who I am now commissioning to go off into the world in search of a perfect man for me), my list! Yep…in it’s entirety, I offer you the perfect man list. I refuse to settle anymore!

Short men need not apply! Ego-maniacs need not apply! Men who are lost and can’t figure out what they want out of life need not apply! Oh, who am I kidding, my “need not apply” list could go on forever. And let’s be honest, no one likes a Debbie Downer when it comes to blog posting. So on a more upbeat note, I offer you my list of “must haves”…no questions asked!

1. Hold the door open for me, not because I am a woman but because it is the polite thing to do. Then if you really want to impress me, hold the door open for everyone else…*SWOON*

2. In my book, no means no! When I say I don’t want a foot massage, I really mean I don’t want a foot massage.

3. If you can’t look me in the eyes then I can’t take you seriously.

4. If I can’t sit on your furniture in my jeans then we may not be a good match. I spend a lot of money on my jeans and sometimes I want to sit in them…I know, crazy concept.

5. On the jeans note, properly fitted ones, on a man spell B-O-N-U-S in my book.

6. I do not believe in love at first site nor do I believe in one true love anymore.

7. I want someone who doesn’t want to change me. But encourages me to do so at times.

8. I like PDA when I’m one of the two involved.

9. I like it when you respond to my text messages and emails in a timely manner.

10. Tattoos are fine, tattoos with your ex-girlfriend’s name, not so good!

11. Loves me for me, no judging allowed.

12. Good relationship with his family and friends.

13. Loves himself, but is not “in love” with himself.

14. Makes me laugh.

15. Loves sarcasm, must be able to dish it and take it.

16. Is humble and not afraid to be a dork.

17. Loves movies and reality TV.

18. Checks my attitude when it needs to be (in a loving and kind way).

19. Is not afraid to share himself completely.

20. Smiles and laughs with his heart and soul.

That’s it people…the list isn’t that long and should be easy to find…so put on your glasses, locate your “Man Finding” GPS, and get hopping. After all, I’m going to be forty…some day!

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #27

Love Hurts
I once read somewhere that it takes only a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. In my opinion, there is no truer statement ever made than this one. In fact, I believe that if people really understood the true meaning of love, that it is unselfish and unconditional, then more relationships and marriages wouldn’t be in the chaotic state they are today.

When my ex-husband walked out on our family five years ago, I was crushed! Crushed not because he left (because we had been struggling the six months prior to that moment), but crushed because he was so adamant about NOT going to therapy and working on our relationship. I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “I do not want to work this out. I will not go to counseling.” Looking back now, I think “hello red flag, there is another woman in the picture”, but at that point in time that was the first moment that I realized that he no longer loved me. Afterall, who would be that cruel to someone they loved? I think it hurt so much because, he had checked out of our relationship many months before that moment, and I was stuck standing there, in shock, watching my sad pathetic life pass before my eyes.

The sad part about our divorce is that it took me several years of therapy before I could see my fault in the relationship. By no means did I ever think it was all my ex-husband's fault, but I could never figure out what I had done to invoke such a harsh departure from him. I know that no matter what I had done or not done in our relationship, I never deserved to be treated the way he treated me early on in our separation/divorce. But I realize now that he was just trying to figure out a way to cope with what he was doing and get out of the relationship, in the only way he knew how, and that was to totally ignore me and my questions. Looking back now, I just wish he would have had the balls to say what it took me many years of therapy and tons of money to figure out.

I realized that as a woman, I was becoming the queen of self neglect. I didn’t have time to love myself and therefore, ended up ignoring things like my happiness, health, freedom, advancement, education and most of all my self-respect. But I did all this because I thought that’s what a good wife and mother was supposed to do. I thought we were supposed to put our kids, husbands, families and jobs before our own happiness and push through all of the pain. However, what I didn’t realize, is that I was loosing a little bit of myself day after day after day. I was so focused on being a good wife and mother that I lost myself and in the end I ended up losing the man of my dreams.

And, in my mind there is no greater pain.

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #25

Waiting for Love
In this world of quick fixes and convenience, patience seems to be an old fashioned idea. I am even kind of ashamed to admit that I have fallen prey to this instant gratification society that we live in. I want everything and I want it now. But what I find ironic in the realm of patience, is that I tend to spend so much time trying to make it a priority when it comes to my kids, but not so much so as it relates to my life. In fact, I strongly encourage it where my kids are concerned. I often talk to them about sharing with each other, waiting in line for their turn and saving their money instead of wanting to spend it every time they get any in their grubby little hands. But I can talk about it until I’m blue in the face, and still seem to get nowhere.

I find myself not only lacking patience in my day to day life but also in my love life. It’s so hard to try to figure out a way to describe this kind of patience. I once heard an analogy about comparing finding love to someone waiting for a bus. (for the life of me cannot remember where I read this analogy, so if you are reading this and you know where it came from, please comment below and I will edit with proper credit)

Analogy:

There you are standing at the bus stop, anxiously awaiting the next bus going in your direction. The bus slowly approaches and comes to a halt. You hop on the bus and think to yourself, “oh, it’s so full, no more seats available, I guess I will just wait for the next one.” So you decide to get off the bus and wait for the arrival of the next available one.

The second bus pulls up, with a dirty exterior, shabby windows, and smoke coming out of the tail pipe (is that even what it’s called?). You immediately think to yourself, “ewww, this bus is so old and shabby! I’m not confident it can get me to my destination. I think I will wait for another one.” So you let the second bus pass you by.

The third bus pulls up, you hop on, it’s not crowded at all, but it doesn’t have air conditioning and air conditioning is very important in the summer heat. So yet again, you convince yourself that bus number three is not right for you either.

Then suddenly the sky turns dark and thunder rumbles over head. It’s getting late, and you don’t want to stand in the rain. You panic and jump on the next bus that comes your way. Only it doesn’t take you long to realize that you stepped on the wrong bus. You analyze the situation and realize that you have wasted your time and energy waiting for the right bus, or waiting for what you want. But here’s the thing, even if an air conditioned bus comes your way, you can’t always be sure that it won’t break down or that the air conditioner will be cold enough.

My experience with the “bus” usually goes something like this. I see the most beautiful, perfect bus headed down the street. I put on a pair of tight jeans, stick out my chest, bat my eyes, put on my prettiest smile and try to flag the beautiful bus down. But the driver acts as if he did not see me and zooms past me. Obviously, this bus wasn’t meant for me. But I digress.

Bottom line is this, finding the perfect partner to love is like waiting for the bus you want. Getting on the bus and appreciating the bus by giving it a chance depends totally on you. And don’t forget you always have an option to walk. The good thing about walking is that you can always choose to ride the bus if you want. With that said, here is something to look out for when choosing the right bus. I have found, especially as of late, that sometimes choosing a bus that you are already familiar with may suit your needs better than searching for the one perfect bus that you have yet to try. And that’s not always smart.

You may be thinking, “Julie, if you could choose the PERFECT bus, what kind of bus would you choose?” Am I right? You all were thinking that, weren’t you? Well if not, at least you are now! To answer your question, I am looking for the bus that just pulls up, stops on its own and asks me to join him for the ride of a lifetime. And by “ride of a lifetime” I mean the journey through life, not what you all were originally thinking. Get your heads out of the gutter people! This is a family friendly site!

Anywho…I leave you with this, always remember you never lose by loving, you only lose when you hold back.

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #24

Crazy Love
Have you ever seen the movie Love Crazy with William Powell and Myrna Loy? Well, don’t panic if you haven’t. And don’t panic if you have never even heard of it either because it was written in something like 1941…way before the time of me and most of my blog audience. But during my little…ahem…hiccup of not being able to think about anything other than my unhealthy fascination with “Mr. Show” or “Hollywood Bad Boy” as I often like to refer to him, I became addicted to old movies…thank you Mr. Show. And Love Crazy has since become one of my all time favorites.

The gist of the movie is about a couple, Steve and Susan, who are celebrating a wedding anniversary, I believe their 5th. They decide to be unique and celebrate by re-enacting their first date. But low and behold the re-enactment is interrupted by a meddling mother-in-law when she injures herself. So Steve is left to take care of her and in the process of, he runs into an old flame in the elevator. The meddling mother-in-law uses this opportunity as a way of convincing Susan that Steve is cheating on her. Susan then files for a divorce against Steve’s wishes because she sees no other option. So Steve concocts a plot that he is sure will save his marriage…he pretends to be insane.

It’s funny when you think about the crazy things like this that people do when they are in love. I think over time they start develop a certain fear, because once you have experienced “love” it’s hard to think of things the way they were before. You don’t want to go back to being alone so you end up doing some things that you normally wouldn’t do, hence “crazy in love.”

I hate to admit it, but I participate in the “madness”s when I am in a relationship or in love. Once, and only once I actually got a Brazilian Wax. I know, your probably asking yourself right now, “what part of I want someone to pour hot wax on me and rip out every little hair from my who ha sounds like a good idea?” Thank God it only took one Brazilian wax for me to realize that the pain endured in that behavior is NOT worth it…now I participate in laser treatments…much more humane!

Another bad habit that I tend to participate in when I’m in love, I quit working out. I know usually it’s the other way around. Usually people work out even harder to impress their new lover. But not me! Oh no. My theory is totally different when it comes to working out. I figure they like the way I look when they meet me, and they will never ever notice the gradual weight gain and change in my body. I know it’s a crazy concept, but it’s how I think. I can’t help it.

My wardrobe also changes when I’m in a relationship. I tend to drop my casual, I don’t really care how I look on a daily basis look and start dressing to impress. But I don’t dress to impress myself, I dress to impress the certain someone in my life. If I can wear something that evokes a comment or a second glace then I keep what I am wearing. If I get no reaction I usually will return what I am wearing or never wear it again and donate it to Goodwill. The height of my heels tend to increase and the hems of my skirts seem to decrease. One time, I even went out and purchased a football jersey for a team that I didn’t even like just because the guy I was dating asked me to. It now hangs in my closet and I look at it every day and shudder to think how much money I wasted on it. My lingere tends to get sexier and skimpier, jeans get tighter, and tops get more form fitted. There is just something about being in a relationship that increases my self esteem and body image.

I also tend to change my quirky little habits like turning on the water when I pee, breaking my sleepover rules by staying at his place during the week instead of just on the weekends, and learning to like the things he likes even if I have absolutely no interest in them.

I know it’s crazy, but I think to a certain extent we all do these kinds of things when we are happily in relationships. However, it is my opinion that these subtle changes are always good, but if you aren’t doing them for yourself then you probably shouldn’t be making the changes.

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #22

Love letters

I love letters! You know, the hand written kind with lots of thought. I love the way they speak, not only the words within them, but of the history they create. The best part of the history of these hand written letter is that it cannot be erased with a click of the delete button. What’s said is said, for eternity.

The fact of the matter is because of technology, the written word is long gone as we used to know it.

And this saddens me. Because no matter how hard I try I’ve never kept an email of someone pronouncing their undying love for me. Not that I have gotten one like that, but there have been some from my past that I wished I would have saved. Sure, I’ve tried to save some and tried to file others away. But eventually everything seems to get deleted at some time or another, whether I’ve upgraded computers or had a computer meltdown.

I can’t, however, say the same for hand written letters.

I have a box that I secretly call my “box of memories” (I know, clever isn’t it?). It is full of old letters from past boyfriends, little notes from my ex-husband, tiny bits of paper with scribbles on them that only I would understand, pictures, and momentos such as ticket stubs, brochures and receipts. Very rarely do I ever get the box down and go through it, but when I do, it makes me so happy it hurts. It hurts because they are little glimpses into my life, a culmination of who I was, who I am and who I wanted to be. These momentos make me smile.

I got my “box of memories” down this weekend and for the first time in ages, it didn’t make me so happy , in fact, it made me a little teary eyed. It made me start to think about how little people cherish anything anymore, even beyond letters. Nowadays life is more about streamlining and detoxing, and less about creating memories treasuring things we have done or experienced.

In the age of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, IMing and texting, the adage of letter writing has gone by the wayside. It is truly becoming a lost art, which is sad, because I compare letter writing to me like I compare having my car serviced. If I don’t have my car routinely serviced and looked after then it just doesn’t run like it should, in the same sense that relationships are “fueled” every now and then with an old fashioned love letter. Think about how much you love to get a card or a letter in the mail, it brings joy to your heart and a smile to your face. Now how do you feel when you get an e-card from someone? Not the same, right?

So in keeping with today’s theme, Love letters, I would like to share with you a very powerful love letter that I have kept in my “box of memories” since the day in junior high that I found it. It is a love letter to Elizabeth Barrett from Robert Browning on the morning of their wedding in 1846.

My Dearest Elizabeth,

You constantly remind me, life is love, constant, un-diminishing love. Every bit of love I have is for you. One day I will find that last inch of it and finally be satisfied that I did the best I could for you. There are so many moments that send me deeper in love with you, I don’t know how far it goes. It’s such that I grow, swell even, looking into your eyes. You lift me.”

Wow! That is so powerful…it still affects me today like it did almost 25 years ago. If you shut your eyes tight enough you can almost feel the love as if it were meant for you. And it’s feelings like these that you cannot ever get from an email or a text message.

Love is a Battlefield

Project Love: Day #20

Fools in Love

Everyone has witnessed it; most have even participated in it.

Yep, I’m talking about PDA, or public displays of affection. Admit it, we all love it when we are one of the two involved in it, but when we are on the outside looking in, it can often be quite horrifying to watch. How come we say “aww” at the sight of two doves cuddling on a tree branch, but when it comes to our own species we react with a feeling of disgust and horror?

I can only imagine how people must have felt one summer night last July when I was out with “Mr. Show”. I think we made out more that night than I had made out with my ex-husband during our entire marriage. We were all over each other like high school kids under the bleachers after Homecoming. As I look back at that evening I am completely embarrassed by our behavior, however, in the moment, I could have cared less about what other people were thinking.

There are many arguments for PDA. You’re in love, you’re crazy for each other, you can’t keep your eyes off each other so why keep your hands off each other…yada yada yada. It’s only human nature, right? There seems to be something so life-affirming about it. Think about it, wouldn’t you much rather watch a couple in the heat of a PDA show than witnessing an argument or physical fight between the two?

Unfortunately, most people don’t feel that way about PDA. There are some out there that think there is nothing more irritating than being stuck behind some sauntering couple who seem to be searching for lost change down the back of each others’ pants. My question is this, do we have to put up with more than that? I mean, is it really necessary to turn the bus into a mobile lap dancing club or a movie theater into the hallway at a junior high sock hop?

People’s opinion of PDA differs just about as much as Democrats and Republicans differ in opinion on Obama. As I stated earlier, I am pro PDA when I am involved and against PDA when I’m on the outside looking in.

I do believe that you should only participate in PDA because you are attracted to each other, not to attract attention. There is nothing worse than feeling that your other half considers you to be his trophy. Steamy PDA’s are all well and good if it turns you both on, but I think it’s also important to be mindful of those that may be around you. Losing your inhibitions at the back of a movie theater might be your ultimate fantasy, but all the gasping and moaning is going to turn both heads and tempers.

Just remember PDA can leave friends feeling squeezed out, especially if they are alone with the two of you. All I ask is that you think before you leap on each other, or invite them to join in…ok, maybe not!

Project Love: Day #19

Love is the answer

Today I want to celebrate the coming together of Project Love and Top Ten Friday with my favorite love quotes. You're welcome!

10. Love, the irresistible desire to be irrestibly desired. – Mark Twain

9. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein

8. Love, two minds without a single thought. – Philip Barry

7. If you are judging people, you have no time to love them. – Mother Teresa

6. Love is like pi- natural, irrational, and very important. – Lisa Hoffman

5. The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. – Theodore M. Hesburgh

4. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

3. Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me? – Cinderella

2. It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never to have loved at all. – Alfred Lord Tennyson

And my number one favorite love quote of all times…

1. If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was meant to be. – Richard Bach

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #18

Sea of love

Whoever said, “there are plenty of fish in the sea” obviously was not single and on the hunt for the perfect guy.

Recently I had a conversation with my friend about the quality of single available men looking for a long term relationship. My friend and I disagreed on the “number of available men”…she says there are plenty and thinks I’m too picky. (she’s also married) Huh, I wonder what ever gave her that idea? Maybe it was this excerpt from one of our most recent conversations…

Friend: Don’t give up Julie, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: Yeah there are whales too!

I know…you laugh…but I’m right! If you’re single, you know that I am right!

But the question that this “proverb” evokes in me is this, why is it so difficult for a good woman (and by good woman, I mean me) to find a good man (and by good man I mean breathing)? I think most women (again, I mean me) would bend over backwards for the right man. But what I am finding is that most men in my age range want to be what I like to call serial daters, or play the field.

I have seen so many of my friends give so much and get so little in return. They, like me, get frustrated with the lack of good men and end up settling for some guy that is not worthy of them. And because they (ok…who am I kidding, me again)settle, they expect change from the get go…and we all know men won’t change unless they want to.

Here is a little hint ladies…if a man is getting everything he wants, acting the way he is, he is not going to change. Why would he?

What I am slowly finding is that the problem is not necessarily the men…hold on…the problem may just be me! Looking back over the past couple of relationships (and I use that word, relationships, lightly) I am realizing I am the one that has been doing the changing or conforming into what these men want. And what I have realized is that I wasn’t liking who I was becoming.

One guy I dated made it very clear early on that he loved the fact that his last girlfriend cooked for him. Well…those of you that know me, know that if the box can’t be opened and popped into the microwave for less than six minutes then I don’t “cook” it.

But at the time I was kind of desperate to be in a relationship, so I lied. I told him I was not only a great cook but that I loved to cook. If you could have seen his eyes light up when I told him that I loved to cook, you would have lied too…ahhh, acceptance! I know, crazy, right? Even crazier, I actually pulled it off, for a little while. I would spend my Sunday’s searching for recipes online that I thought were “gourmet” yet easy enough for me to make. I would memorize the recipe and make him dinner on nights that we were together. He thought I was amazing, I thought I was crazy! Thank God that relationship didn’ t last long…I was beginning to spend way too much time and energy on my new “hobby.”

Another guy I dated was pretty spiritual and an adamant believer in the Five Love Languages. For those of you that aren’t familiar with these, they are, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. At the time, I wasn’t familiar with these so called “languages”. So when we first discussed them I acted like I knew what he was talking about. And because I didn’t want to sound greedy or sleezy I told him my love language was words of affirmation. I was so pissed at myself when he told me his was receiving gifts. My first thought was, “damn this is going to be expensive for me.”

So for the next few months I bought him little gifts, carved him cool pumpkins, baked him cookies, sent him funny notes and all the while I was getting “thank you’s” and “you’re the best babe” kind of compliments. I’ll be honest with you, that relationship sucked about as much as a hooker at a Democratic convention.

I have many other embarrassing stories like these but I am not going to share anymore, at least not today. I want you guys to think that I am this amazing girl that has come so far in my quest to find myself and if I tell anymore of these stories you won’t think that about me.

Just kidding…I actually value looking back at these experiences in my life. It is so much easier to see the stupidity in my actions and learning from them after having been out of the relationships for a period of time.

It’s my learning curve…and I am learning a lot about myself!

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #17

Falling in love

As I was researching the topic of falling in love I found several things that people said about the moment they knew they were in love with someone. Things like, “he gives the butterflies in my stomach a reason to dust off and fly again” or “I knew I was in love when he told my mom that he loved her cooking even though we both knew she was a horrible cook” or even “I knew it was true love when she came to my house and did my laundry because she knew how much I hated doing laundry.” But there was nothing more profound than when I came across things that kids had said about love.

I thought I would share some of them with you today.

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all of the time, even when his hands get arthritis too. That’s love.”>-Rebecca, age 8
“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
-Billy, age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”-Karl, age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without them giving you any of theirs.”-Chrissy, age 6

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure it tastes ok.”-Danny, age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that, but they look gross when they kiss.”
-Emily, age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.”-Bobby, age 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend you hate.”-Nikka, age 6

“Love is when you tell a boy you like his shirt and then he wears it everyday.”-Noelle, age 7

“Love is like a like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”-Tommy, age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”-Cindy, age 8

“Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.”-Elaine, age 5

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”-Karen, age 7

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”-Jessica , age 8

And last but not least, you know I had to ask my six year old Gibson what he thought love meant. I thought he was going to say something funny, but I was wrong! I may rethink asking him these kinds of things in the future…

Me: Gibson, what do you think the word love means?

Gibson: Moooommmm, I’m building legos right now, can we talk about this later?

Me: Just give me a quick answer and then I won’t bother you anymore.

Gibson: What was the question again?

Me: What do you think the word love means?

Gibson: It means I think you love me more than anyone, well besides Hamilton, because I am the last one that you kiss before you go to bed at night.

Me: Oh Gibson, that is so sweet.

Gibson: Mom?

Me: Yes Geeky (that’s what I call him)

Gibson: Do you think if you would have kissed daddy more at night that you would still be married?

Me: (stunned silent…and that almost never happens!)

So there you have it people, out of the mouths of babes. Maybe we should hunker down and heed their advice. I bet if we did the world would be a happier place!