I HAVE A CRUSH! I know I’m 38 years old! The idea of a crush at my age seems crazy, and maybe a little creepy. But I think it’s ok to have a crush. At least that is what I have been telling myself in the days that led up to this post. It was kind of like I was convincing myself that it was ok to have a crush…on a guy…who is in a loving and committed relationship. I know…bummer, right? But that’s ok because he doesn’t really know I exist anyway...so I’m good with it!
My crush is the total package. He is funny and tall, successful, hard working, and a great dad. My crush is a friend of mine on face book. In fact, my heart actually skips a beat when he posts something on my wall or leaves a comment about my witty status updates. I tend to run into him without any warning…when I least expect it…you know, usually on my “fat” days or on days that I have a humongous zit on my chin. There is just something mysterious about him.
The funny thing about my crush is that I don’t know that I necessarily picked him as someone I would have a crush on. He just kind of snuck up on me when I was least expecting it. Honestly, I think crushes are kind of silly after the age of eleven. Well, except for the perfectly normal one I have on Ryan Reynolds. Now that goes without saying. Unfortunately I have created such high expectations for my crush that he is bound to eventually disappoint me, and that’s not fair to him. In my mind, he is this perfect man who can do no wrong. He is suddenly the funniest, most attractive, smartest person I know. He has somehow become this perfect man that I know doesn’t exist…how do I know this? I know this because reality is never perfect.
The hardest part about having a secret crush is in fact, the secrecy. I often find myself trying to be cool and under the radar when I run into him or when replying to something he has posted on my face book page. Never in a million years would I ever do anything to let my crush know that he was the one. In fact, a couple of years ago, my friend, Tanya and I found out Mr. Crush was going to be at a particular bar on St. Patrick’s Day so we made plans to go to that bar and “accidentally” run into him. But I chickened out at the last minute and we left because I didn’t want it to look obvious…I was secretly afraid that he would be able to read the desire in my face.
Why do I do this? Why do I put myself under this kind of pressure? Well beside the fact that he is not available, I would have to say, of course, it is because I am afraid to know the answer to the question I am burning to ask him…”do you like me?” Because what if the answer is no? That answer would be the worst one…oh the humiliation! Sure, I’m willing to chalk up some of this pressure to issues with my self image, but only so much…the rest is just reality.
Let’s just say, for example, I am fantastic…there is nothing worse that knowing that being fantastic is no guarantee that he will like me back. It’s either yes or no…it’s either possible or it’s not…In my mind it has everything to do with hope and whether or not I have it. And I don’t want to destroy what I have tenderly been nursing all these years. It’s the possibility that my crush doesn’t like me that drives the secrecy. And the secrecy drives the hope…it’s a vicious cycle that I am not willing to break. But there is also the other side of this equation. What if he does like me back? Unfortunately, I may never know, but if he did I think I would die of sheer happiness on the spot.
So, Mr. Crush, in order to continue keeping this a secret and bottled up inside I can assure you I will continue to do the following things. First, I will not be staring at you like I do when I see Ryan Reynolds. I will continue to avoid telling anyone who you are. I will treat you just like I treat all of my other friends…that’s right, craptastically! And I will continue to be my usual funny self when I am around you. However, I cannot promise you that I won’t giggle hysterically, in that annoyingly high pitched girl way, when I see you again.
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