Friday, December 17, 2010

Birthday memories (REPOST)

Today would have been my mom's 68th birthday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her in some way or another. I so wish she were here with us today. She would have loved being a grandma! This picture of her is my absolute favorite! She is carrying me and holding my twin brothers hand. We are about 1 1/2in this picture. I could only wish that my body looked like that 18 months after having one child.

My mom was a teacher her whole life. She absolutely loved kids and loved her job. She was not only a teacher Monday thru Friday from 9 to 5 but she was also a wonderful teacher on the home front.

I have to admit, it is tough being a mother without having my own mom in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have other women in my life that I can, and do, go to for motherly advice, but I can only dream of going to my mom when the going gets tough. And some days that is a tough pill to swallow. As I reflect back on the memories of my mom and the awesome life she not only lived, but help provide for me and my brothers, I can't help but be reminded of the things she taught me early on that have stuck with me today. I thought it would be fun to share some of them with you here. You're Welcome!

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me about religion.
"You better pray that that stain will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into tomorrow!"

My mother taught me about reason.
"Because I said so, that's why!"

My mother taught me about logic.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you are not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me about foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you get in an accident."

My mother taught be about irony.
"Keep crying and I will give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner!"

My mother taught me about contortionism.
"Will you look at that dirt behind your ears?"

My mother taught me about stamina.
"You will sit there until your plate is clean."

My mother taught me about the weather.
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about the circle of life.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world."

My mother taught me about behavior modification.
"Stop acting like your father."

My mother taught me about anticipation.
"Just you wait until we get home!"

My mother taught me about sex.
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about my roots.
"What, do you think you were born in a barn?"

And the one lesson my mom taught me that I never believed would come to fruition...

My mother taught me about justice.
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Thursday, December 16, 2010

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Being a single parent can be tough at times. The worst part is not having that someone there that you can rely on to talk you down from the moments of stress. You know, like when one of your beautiful kids spills hot chocolate on the freshly cleaned carpets…yeah, it’s moments like these that I often need that person to take my hand, lead me to another room and remind me to count to ten before reacting.

My biggest struggle as a single parent, however, is that I am only one person trying to accommodate two very busy, active and energetic boys. Most days I am up at 6am and running non-stop until 10pm, often times running errands related to my kids even at lunch, with little or no time for myself. I am often wiped out by the time my head hits the pillow.

My life revolves around my kids! I can’t help it…it just does. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Quite frankly there is nothing that pleases me more than my kids being healthy, active and individual boys who love life, their family, and God equally. I’ve worked hard at that! Often times I look back at my marriage and wonder if the fact that I put the boys ahead of my husband was the reason behind our divorce. I still don’t know, I may never know, but it is the closure I had to give myself in order to move on to a healthier life.

I don’t regret anything I have done in my life!

In the early stages of being a single mom, this role of “being at my kid’s beck and call 24 hours a day” caused a huge imbalance in my life. I struggled to find time for me, let alone others in my life. Looking back, I probably would have been remarried by now if I could have found the balance between being a single mom and being a vibrant outgoing single woman.

But I just couldn’t figure out how to do it without feeling guilty!

I can’t tell you how many times I would cancel on my friends at the last minute or just flat out turn them down because I was invited to do something on a night that I had my kids. At the time, all I could think about was the fact that I had so few awake hours with them a week, that I didn’t want to waste one moment away from them. I often felt guilty leaving them on “my time”. In fact, when they were little and napped, my “me time” became those few precious hours a day that they would sleep. Unfortunately those precious hours diminished quickly and so did my “me time”.

But then I discovered something very powerful. Something that I wish I would have learned a lot earlier in my life as a single woman. I learned that it is ok to go out on nights that you have your kids. Now…don’t take this as permission to do this all of the time, but on occasion it is good to let your kids see you going out for the evening. And by going out, I don’t mean going out on a drunken binge or going out and not coming home until the wee hours of the morning or anything crazy like that. But it is definitely ok to go out on a date, or have a girls night, or even a spa treatment or two.

It is ok! Trust me!

It is ok to drop the kids off at grandma and grandpas, or to hire a babysitter. People do it all of the time. And you know what, I’m a better mom when I do it. And my kids…well, I think it is good for them to see me get dressed up and go out for the evening. At some point, they need to realize that you have a life that doesn’t solely revolve around them.

It’s healthy for everyone!

Ever since I have incorporated that balance in my life, I have become a much happier woman and a much better mom. Unfortunately I’m kind of in a funk right now and won’t be practicing what I preach anytime soon, but trust me it is definitely good for the soul!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Divorce is never good...

…unless it’s your future second husband that is getting divorced!

Hello…am I the only one celebrating the break up of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansen? I never thought they were that cute together, but I never fought Scarlett for him either, because, let’s be honest here…she could probably kick my ass in less than 10 seconds.

I actually do hate the fact that they are separating…it saddens me when people get divorced, no matter what the situation…it’s never easy! But it's like I always say, "one person's trash is another person's treasure."

I do want to thank all of my fans and blog followers who kept me apprised of the situation last night. So far, I have received fifty plus emails, text messages and phone calls from you all wishing me luck with my future, 2nd husband. Ok…he may not be attainable, but he will always remain #1 on my list of three famous people that I am allowed to sleep with…no matter what my relationship status.

I originally had an article ready to post today on the most important lesson I have learned as a single parent, but I thought it might be more important to list the Top Ten Reasons Why I Think I Am the Perfect Partner for Ryan Reynolds., you know, in case he reads my blog.

Enjoy! I know I did…

10. Like me, he is afraid to fly! Nothing like supporting each other on our many trips back and forth to Canada to visit his family!

9. As I wrote in one of my posts last week, I have become a major magnet for emotionally unavailable men, and newly separated is basically the same as emotionally unavailable.

8. We would make ADORABLE babies. Apparently, this is what our child will look like…you decide! (don't judge me because I figured out how to morph our pictures together, you wish you would have thought of it first )

7. The letter “A” happens to be my absolute favorite letter in the alphabet…and my future husband looks fabulous dressed as my favorite letter on Sesame Street…come on, doesn’t everyone have a favorite letter?

6. I will be his shoulder to cry on, no matter what the situation…by the way, did I mention that that particular shoulder will be bare Ryan? And it’s big…not in a manly kind of way, but big in a supportive kind of way.

5. I am all about being a team. You see when Scarlett said “It was my mission to have a moment of privacy, to do something for myself,” when talking about your wedding, I knew you two were doomed. Do you hear the “me” and the “myself” in that statement? I'm just saying...

4. I hear that one of their issues was that Ryan was ready to have a baby and Scarlet wanted to focus on her career…there is that selfishness again…anyway, back to my point, I may almost be 40, but for Ryan, I would postpone my tummy tuck and have a child with him. You saw up above how adorable our kids would be.

3. Ryan has already been named the “Most Eligible Bachelor” of 2010…I know, Hollywood doesn’t waste any time. Well, lucky for Ryan, I am the Most Eligible Bachelorette in Fishers, IN…it’s his lucky day!

2. My friends already adore you and are very supportive of a future together. Trust me Ryan, this doesn’t come easy…my girlfriends don’t like everyone I date.

And the number one reason why I think I am the perfect rebound for Ryan Reynolds...

1. He was just nominated Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, and I have recently been told (my source will remain nameless, but let’s just say, he was a very reliable source at the time) that I have "gotten sexier with age". I was never good at math, correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe:

Sexiest Man Alive + Has Gotten Sexier With Age = True Love

So Ry Ry…hang in there, and by hang in there, I mean “text me”…these will be some tough months for you ahead!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Traditions elfing rock!

The holidays for me are sort of bitter sweet because they remind me so much of my mom. Not only did my mom LOVE Christmas, but she also celebrated her birthday and her wedding anniversary in the month of December. It was her absolute favorite time of year, and because of that I can’t help but get a little sad every time the holidays come around. I miss her more in the month of December than I do any other time of year. She loved the tradition of cooking, family and celebrating. I try to carry on those traditions, but they aren’t quite the same without her.

Her three favorite Christmas traditions that I try my best to carry on are:

1. Send Christmas cards to those that we love
2. Make endless amounts of cookies
3. Attend as many holiday parties as possible

This week, in honor of my mom, I am going to be partaking in all of the above.
Last night Gibson and I made almost two hundred cookies for my annual Girls Night In Cookie Exchange. I think I still may have some cookie dough underneath my fingernails. I will let you know for sure later in the day when I have a hankering for something sweet. They are made, bagged in cute little Christmas bags, and ready to share with the best of girlfriends, along with a glass or two or three of wine.

And the Christmas cards…those went out over the weekend. Sending and receiving Christmas cards is the ultimate tradition of the year. I love getting Christmas cards from my friends that I see every day, but I love receiving cards from those that I never get to see even more. And of course, it’s always fun to get one from those whom you would never expect to get one from. It’s fun to look back every year at the cards. Sometimes we cry at the memories but most of the time we laugh at how much our loved ones have changed over the years. Each year I spend an abnormal amount of time choosing the perfect card. Each year I say without fail, “this is by far the best card I have ever sent out.” And this year, wasn't any different.

Thought I would share it with you.

Here is the front...

...and the back (this is a true depiction of what goes on at my house on a daily basis)

But my favorite tradition of all is, of course, the Christmas parties. I am social by nature but usually don’t get out much during the year. I think I have hit the stage in my life where I would rather sit at home with a good glass of wine than go to the bars. So I take every advantage in the month of December to get out and socialize and celebrate. This week I have three separate parties to attend, yeah, I’m that popular! But more importantly, it gives me the opportunity to shop for the perfect dress and shoes! And we all know I love to shop.

Selfishly, I love it when traditions benefit me in some way!


Monday, December 13, 2010

A funny thing happened on the way to independence

So you all know that this weekend I was determined to prove to myself yet again that I don’t necessarily need a man in my life.

Well guess what happened?

It was an epic FAIL!

I made the mistake of taking on the heavy task of flipping my mattress first thing Sunday morning. Big mistake! HUGE! Yep, I managed to do some damage to my back. It makes me feel very old and humiliated in a way. Kind of like how my mom must have felt when I was young and she threw her back out while taping a garage sale sign to a box in the driveway.

Yeah…that kind of humiliation!

Thank God when my kids got home from their dads they were able to drag the mattress back to its original spot.

My back and my brain are pissed at me for not accepting the offer of help with stuff around the house. I have been living on double doses of Advil, and maybe even a little prescribed pain medicine left over from a trip to the ER a couple of years ago, since Sunday morning. And to top it off, I’m walking around like a cowboy who just got off a 24 hour road trip on the back of a horse.

It’s not pretty!

I’m kicking myself right now for being so stubborn and trying to prove that I can be independent and do the chores on my own that were definitely intended for a man.

But it gets even better…I was a mess this morning while shoveling snow from my driveway.

Why did I do it if my back hurt, you might ask?

Because I had no other choice!

I tried to get out of my garage without shoveling, but the snow had drifted and I couldn’t. I laid in bed listening to my neighbor plow his driveway while sending desperate pleas his way, through mental telepathy, hoping that he would plow my drive way too.

It didn’t work.

I’m sure if I would have asked he would have helped me out, but I couldn’t do it…because I don’t know how to ask for or accept help when it is offered to me!

You see, ever since my divorce, independence is one thing that I swore I would never let go of. From day one, I was determined to not be one of those women that couldn’t survive unless I had a man in my life. I taught myself how to start a lawn mower, change a tire, and even chop down a tree (with a chainsaw of course). I was determined to never ever be put in a situation that I couldn’t handle. And here it is almost five and a half years of independence later and I finally found the one thing that I cannot accomplish on my own…flipping a freaking mattress!

I HATE asking for help!

I guess my brothers now have something to look forward to when they come for Christmas this year. I’m still a strong independent woman if my brothers help me flip my mattress, right?

Oh yeah…Mark & Alec, I will also need you to help me fix my computer, change the showerhead on my shower, and show me how to put air in the tires of my car while you are here…

This is just me being independent!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Note to Self Friday

Remember, you don’t NEED a man to have a complete life! You may want one, but you don’t NEED one!

This is something that I need to remind myself of almost every single day. So to help keep me on track this weekend, I vow to complete all of the chores I have on my “Honey Do” list that I have patiently been waiting for my imaginary boyfriend to complete. This is a list that has been growing for a few months and I just can’t wait around any longer for the perfect man to come along and help me…so I’m determined to tackle it on my own on Sunday. However, if my loyal readers were to show up on my doorstep with an offer to help, you wouldn’t be turned away!

1. Change the batteries in all of my smoke detectors . I hate chores that involve a step ladder.
2. Change all blown out light bulbs that are too high to reach without a step ladder.
3. Dust ceiling fans.
4. Put up remaining outdoor Christmas decorations.
5. Put tree topper on the Christmas tree.
6. Clean out exterior dryer vent.
7. Put air in my tires.
8. Clean the inside of my car.
9. Change the filter in my furnace.
10. Flip the mattress of my ginormous king size bed.

On a side note…if you don’t see a new blog post from me early next week…send help. It only means that I dropped the mattress while trying to flip it and am stuck between it and the box spring, bring water with you as I am sure I will be dehydrated by the time you reach me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Nothing says I love you like Sports Center

Those of you that read my blog regularly know that I was destined to be a mom of boys. I love the dirt, the energy, the sports talk and yes even the crop dusting. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily like crop dusting, but I love the fact that when my kids do it, they laugh hysterically each and every time, like it was the first time they had ever done it. I’m more of a mom that likes to throw the football around in the back yard than play barbies. I would much rather be creek walking than taking the dolls out for a stroll, and I would definitely rather make mud pies, than bake cookies in the kitchen. And the thought of taking my daughter clothes shopping completely overwhelms me. I know how I was as a kid, or as an adult, for that matter, when it comes to shopping. Right now, I’m glad that my boys like T-shirts and sweat pants…easy peasy lemon squeezy!

As you can imagine, the most difficult thing for me to deal with as a single mom is the fact that I don’t get to spend a lot of quality time with my boys. If you take into consideration that I work full time as well as the amount of time that they spend weekly with their dad…all in all, I get only a good quality 30 hours or so a week of time to spend with them. And with two boys currently in three different basketball leagues, it cuts away from our quality time together even more.

Bottom Line: every waking moment with them is very valuable!

Another frustration is that I am limited in my ability to participate in school functions, like volunteering in their classrooms, or meeting them for lunch in the cafeteria, or even being a chaperone on a class field trip. So I had to find a way to participate with them and their school functions in other ways. Lucky for us, every month our school has nights at local restaurants where you can donate a portion of your check back to the school. I’m all about this kind of fundraiser. Not only does it include quality time with my kids over a meal, but it also allows me to give back to the school financially.

It’s a win win situation in my book.

So the other night we bundled up and went down the street to a local restaurant full of excitement to spend quality time together. Ok, I was excited, but Hamilton and Gibson, not so much. They were ticked at me that I made them turn off Sports Center so that we could go somewhere else to “talk about our day”. Gibson wondered why we just couldn’t just “talk about our day” during the commercials.

This did not make me happy. (Mental Note: starting Jan. 1 we are back to our old rule of ½ hour of TV a night before bed…no more)

When we get to the restaurant Hamilton is pouting because I made him turn off the TV before we could see the recap of Peyton Manning throwing about a gazillion interceptions…who wants to see that over and over again? And Gibson was ticked because I wouldn’t let him bring his DS into the restaurant. He justified it by saying this:

“But mom, you are going to tell me your day was great, I’m going to tell you that I loved gym and lunch the best at school, Hamilton is going to tell you how bored he was at school and that will take 5 minutes. What are we going to talk about after that?”

The kid had a point…but I wasn’t falling for it. I remind them again how much fun we are going to have and asked them kindly to remove the frowns off of their faces before we entered the restaurant. They obliged…but not happily.

Until, of course, we walked into the restaurant. I had no idea… it was a sports bar! Their eyes lit up like they had just seen Santa on Christmas morning. I believe this picture below is a good representation of how much fun we had spending quality time with each other that evening.

Good times…good good times!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Always, sometimes, never


...Struggle to get out of bed in the morning, whether I wake up on my own or by an alarm clock.

...Get excited when a KISS song comes on the radio or my iPod.

...Love the idea of an adult beverage…hey, it’s 5pm somewhere, right?

...get a little sad when my kids go to their dads house.

...Say yes to the prospect of a blind date, even though I have never, and I mean NEVER, been on a good one.

...Want to suggle.

...Question the decisions I make in my personal life.

...Have someone in my life that I constantly think about. One day it could be my kids, or friends, or a secret lover…but no matter what, I am always thinking about someone else.


...Wonder what my life would be like now if I had done a few things different.

...Wish I weren't so stubborn.

...Talk to myself at work.

...Miss people too much…especially people whom I know I shouldn’t miss.

...Make decisions because it’s what I want, not because it is what is right.

...Need to spend an entire day alone in order to regroup.

...Feel the need to be a rebel even though the consequences of this behavior is often not good.

...Eat ice cream for dinner.


...Wear underwear (well, except when I am in a dressing room trying on clothes)

...Spank my kids

...Used to like cooked spinach until I cooked it myself, now I’m addicted.

...Want to forget what it feels like to fall in love.

...Get tired of hearing my kids giggle.

...Get tired of kissing.

...Go to bed angry.

...Have enough hours in the day.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I would rather

Go naked than wear fur

Be hot than cold

Be single and alone than alone in a relationship

Write than read

Get the flu than get a flu shot

Stay at home by myself on a Saturday night than hang out at a bar

Vacation in Hawaii on the beach than on the slopes in Tahoe

Be hungry than feel stuffed

Be stuck in an elevator than on a packed plane on the runway

Go into the office early than work late

Date an early bird than a night owl

Sit through a 2 hour horror flick than 2 hours of airplane turbulence

Have a romantic dinner out than breakfast in bed

Go without good food for a month than good sex for a month (unfortunately it’s not always my choice)

I would rather gain 10 pounds than give up sex

I would rather date a tech savvy stud than a poet

Date a funny guy than a rich guy

Run into my ex’s than run into his ex’s

Have sex than watch TV (unless that TV show is about Ryan Reynolds)

Jet off to someplace exotic than take a road trip

Have a full dinner than just drinks on a first date

Have a hot night in than a sweet picnic outdoors

Get more vacation time than make more money

Date a Mr. Fix It than a fantastic cook

Have sex with the lights off than on

Have a relaxing vacation than an adventurous trip

Wear heels than flats on a date

Date a guy that was funny than rich

Have the power of invisibility than flight

Have my ex-boyfriend be nice to me than mean to me

Be hilariously funny than drop dead gorgeous

Send a text than make a phone call

Be a well known author than a celebrity

Take a drive than a short plane trip

Have the greatest friends ever than be the most popular girl at the bar

Travel back in time than travel into the future

Have one really long term relationship being in love and risk getting hurt in the end than have multiple short term relationships with a bit of variety

Have a full bank account than lots of stuff

Have parents that were poor and loved me than were rich and gave me everything I wanted

Monday, December 6, 2010

Emotional Unavailability

I’ve been there…many times! In fact, I can remember way back when I was dating Mr. Buckeye, I swore I wasn’t this person. I swore I was emotionally available. He called me on it, I thought he was crazy. But after years of continuing therapy, I realized I was emotionally unavailable. I was, at the time, still hung up on my Ex husband. But I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. All I could see was the trees.

I don’t know what it is about me now, but for some reason I am a man magnet of sorts, but only of the emotionally unavailable kind.

I am the kind of girl that always seems to attract these kinds of men. I think maybe it’s because I’m a caretaker and nurturer by nature. You see, I have a tendency to think I can fix everything and everyone. Unfortunately for me, this characteristic tends to bite me in the butt more often than not. Often times with the emotionally unavailable man I tend to become the counselor in the relationship. They end up getting free therapy, get through their issues and move on. Me, on the other hand, I get left in the wind with a “WTF just happened” look on my face wondering where it all went wrong.

My definition of the Emotionally Unavailable Man (or woman, for that matter)is somebody who has some or all of the following qualities:

• Is good looking, self-confident, funny, successful, and quite possibly makes your heart skip a few beats.
• Is either married, in a relationship, or not quite over a past relationship.
• Is very reliant on text messages as your main form of communication
• Is in control of the time you spend together, you never seem to know when you will see him
• Lives with his ex
• Always has excuses for why you two can’t see each other (even though they are probably legitimate excuses, they are still excuses.)
• Makes you feel empty after you sleep with him (this feeling may come days later)
• Has a very strict routine that he just can’t/won’t deviate from
• Determines the momentum of the relationship
• Only sees you when it is convenient for him
• At times disappears for days…usually long enough for you to get over him and then he suddenly reappears again
• Is quick out of the gate to pursue you and get your attention and then often backs off
• Seems to always have a ton of stuff going on that he has to deal with.

I always say there are no bad relationships as long as you have learned something about yourself through the process. What I have learned about emotionally unavailable men this past year, because I’ve dated a couple, is that they were emotionally unavailable before they met me, while they were dating me, and more than likely after we are no longer an item. I’ve learned the hard way that more than likely, these emotionally unavailable men aren’t going to be able to morph into a healthy, loving, available good relationship with me or the next woman no matter how hard they try or how much we want them too.

My mistake with these types of men, is knowing early on that they are emotionally unavailable, but seeing that there is potentially a guy, deep down inside, that I have always wanted. So I start investing in the fantasy of who he will be if I just take it slow, be understanding of his situations, and show a little patience.

NO MORE! Oh no, 2011 is going to be the year of the new me. No more accepting bullshit! No more second guessing myself. If my gut tells me one thing, I'm going with it. I’ve learned so much this year about myself and the people I allow into my life. And I promise, I won't let these lessons go to waste!

Quick, someone give me a pop quiz so that I can show you what I have learned!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Note to Self Friday

Just a reminder...if you accept bull shit in your life you will receive bull shit! I'm just saying!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Today's post is dedicated to my all time favorite Christmas movie ever, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. In fact, it may even be my all time favorite movie ever.

So sit back, relax, grab a cup of eggnog and enjoy my Top Ten Favorite quotes from the movie.

10. "Thank you dad for teaching me everything I know about exterior illumination." (Clark Griswold)

9. Rusty: "Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard."
Clark: "It's not going in the back yard Russ, it's going in the living room."

8. Clark: "Burn some dust my rubber"
Rusty: "Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust."
Clark: "Whatever, Russ, whatever!

7. "I'm gonna park the cars, check the luggage, and well...I'll be outside for the season." (Clark Griswold)

6. Clark: "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
Eddie: "Naw, I'm doin just fine, Clark."

5. (as an entourage of suits, led by Clark's boss pass by him single file) "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass, Happy Hanukkah." (Clark Griswold)

4. Eddie: (talking about his dog Snot) "If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day he dies."
Clark: "I really shouldn't Eddie. My hands are all chapped."

3. Audrey: "Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?"
Ellen: "Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic, Audrey."

2. "You want to hurry this up Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off." (Art, Ellen's father)

And my number one favorite quote from Christmas Vacation is...

"Where do you think you are going? Nobody is leaving. Nobody is walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house." (Clark Griswold)

Now if that just doesn't wreak Christmas spirit...I don't know what would!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

20 Things

A couple of years ago the “25 things you don’t know about me” phenomenon took over Facebook. I loved reading my friends lists. Reading them made me feel like sort of a vouyer into their lives. I can honestly say that I learned new things about each and every one of my friends while reading their lists. But what I didn’t realize is that I also learned many things about my friends that I didn’t want to know. Things that either made me want to laugh hysterically or say things like “really?” or “oh no he didn’t” or even “WTF?”

Between you and me, to this day, I still look at some of my friends in a different light after reading their lists.

So for my own pleasure…ok, and maybe yours too, I decided to stalk my Facebook friends again and re-read all of the “25 things you didn’t know about me” posts and came up with my own list of:

“20 things I wish I didn’t know about my friends”: (sorry, I could only find 20 that were worth sharing).

1. I was fat in middle school. The wake of that horror has yet to go away.

2. The most famous person I have ever run into while living in LA is Bruce Willis. He was with his daughters Rumor, Secret, Honor and Tango…or whatever the hell their names are.

3. My grandma once told me I was her favorite. I also heard her telling my other siblings the same thing. I cried when I realized she lied to me.

4. When I was little I pretended my bike was a horse named “Giddy Up”. My nickname as an adult is still Giddy Up.

5. I can’t take guys who wear turtle necks seriously.

6. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.

7. I’m secretly addicted to the “ass slap” dance move. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it.

8. I love gummy bears only when I rip the heads off first.

9. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.

10. I sometimes like to tape my thumbs to my hands and pretend to be a dinosaur.

11. I’m writing this list for sympathy and attention.

12. When I was a kid I stole one of my moms bra’s, adopted it as my own and gave it the name “Skimpy”. I was devastated when she threw it away when I was twelve.

13. I listen to the soundtrack of Annie in the mornings when I’m getting ready for work. I turned 40 last week.

14. A horse fell over once while I was riding it.

15. I used to be so arrogant and in order to feel far more superior than everyone else, I bought Donald Trump toilet paper.

16. I once ran over my friends cat for a pan of brownies.

17. I eat hamburgers with a fork. I swear this is the reason my fiancé left me.

18. I cry during Will Ferrell movies.

19. I’ve always wondered if I could sell one of my kidney on ebay.

20. I peed the bed until I was 13.

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