I have a date

This weekend is going to be very exciting in the He Who Laughs Last household. Not only will there be the consumption of lots of food and alcohol, good concerts, lots of family, girlfriend time and awesome fireworks, but sprinkled in amongst all that 4th of July goodness, is a date.

Stop rubbing your head in confusion…you heard me correct…a date.

But not just any date.

Oh no, this date will be unlike any other date I have ever been on. In fact, it will be a first in the book of He Who Laughs Last.

No, it’s not with Ryan Reynolds…damn people, stop getting me all excited about something that we all know will never happen!

I have a date with….drum roll please….

…my shower head!

And I’m so excited!

Yep, I even put it on my calendar for Saturday afternoon, in between my haircut and the Motley Crue concert. Oh yeah…you heard me correct…Motley Crue…4th row. (I hope to have some exciting stories to report about his particular event)…Motley Crue, not the date with “Mr. Shower head”.

And because I haven’t had much luck dating lately, I did what any single girl would do who is anxious about a date…I googled him…and I came up with multiple DIY instructions.

I’m anxious, excited and nervous all at the same time…kind of like a real date. The only difference is, I won’t be shaving my legs for this one.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be good…I can feel it!

Random thoughts...

To the guy next to me at the red light, I can see you picking your nose…even through tinted windows, please stop.

You can never convince a 10 and 7 year old that their grumpy and whiney behavior is due to the fact that they are tired. They never think they are tired.

A weekly manicure and pedicure is the best thing a girl could do for herself.

Flashing my way to the front row of a Motley Crue concert in my 20’s was a thrill. Doing it in my 40’s could be a reality in the next couple of weeks, this both excites me and frightens me at the same time.

This week my dad took my kids to see a movie. He gave them two choices, either Green Lantern, or Mr. Popper’s Penguins. Gibson’s response was “we better see Mr. Popper’s Penguins, mommy will be mad if we go see her boyfriend without her.” Man, I love that boy, always thinking about his momma!

One thing I both love and hate about my new job is that they highly encourage employees to bring a spouse or significant other to most company functions/meetings/seminars. That’s a lot of pressure for a girl without a significant other anywhere in sight.

I have 3 weeks and 3 days to find a “significant other”. I’m not feeling good about my chances.

Wonders how my brothers and I ever survived without XBOX, Wii, iPods, cell phones, and cable television.

WARNING: if you ask a child for thoughts on what you are wearing, they WILL BE HONEST with you! And I quote Gibson verbatim this weekend…”mom, if you wear that dress, you will be single for the rest of your life.” I wore the dress anyway, and now more than ever, I believe his every word.

Wishing my house clean, does NOT make my house clean.

I love my new Nook…hence the reason my house is not clean.

Having dinner with new girlfriends is awesome! But when one of those new girlfriends is texting/IM’ing on her cell phone the entire evening, it becomes very clear that she will NOT be a new girlfriend. I don’t have time for people that won’t take five minutes to get to know me and realize that I can be more entertaining than a damn cell phone in a nice restaurant….bitter, party of 1?

Lessons Learned the Memorial Day Edition

I include my Ex on the neighborhood pool membership every year. This year, however, we were listed as The Ex & Julie + our last name, on the key tag. It made me feel weird.

Also available in the tampon machine in the bathroom of my local movie theater; Purdue face tattoos, lip gloss glitter, sour candy and ibuprofen. Who would have thought?

The Midwest seems to be back on good terms with Mother Nature…knock on wood!

My attention span for bored little boys on long weekends is very limited.

75% of my life (friends, family and job) is AWESOME, it’s the remaining 25% that I continue to struggle with.

I always feel like a new woman after a fresh manicure and pedicure.

I hate spring cleaning but my house always looks so good when it’s done.

Ryan Reynolds is in a movie with Jason Bateman coming out in July. The movie looks stupid but I will still pay top dollar to see it.

There is nothing like a few pots with gorgeous flowers to dress up my trashy looking lawn.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out my stupid showerhead. I wish I had a handyman that could not only take care of that but take care of me too!

At 40, I still cannot throw a Frisbee!

They always come back…it’s a fact, they just do!

Participating in my first Warrior Dash in August with my girlfriends excites me yet scares me at the same time too.

Vacuuming a 3600 square foot house in 90 degree weather is a workout in itself...who needs a gym membership?

A tall drink of water

So this week, I started my new job.

I love my new job!

It’s everything that my old job wasn’t.

In fact, for the first time in 40 years I actually enjoy going to work.

The only bad thing is that I have been so busy that I haven’t really found the time to update my blog. I was exhausted by the time I got home each night. So exhausted that I didn’t feel like doing anything on the social front…no girls night outs, no dates, and no hanging with friends. This, in turn, means no fresh blog material.

And for that, I’m sorry!

Well, I guess I shouldn’t say I have no fresh blog material, because I do have a few articles in my mind that I need to write. Articles like, why Mother’s Day brings out the Ex’s, or, How to tell when I’m just not that into you, or even, What does a girl have to do to spend time with you? Yep, those articles are all in my head, just not on paper yet.

So until I get the energy to put one or all of those ideas on paper, I leave you with this tall drink of water.

You're welcome!

I'll have a Chai Tea Vodka Latte please

My mind is full of crap lately. And if you are anything like me, sometimes it’s difficult to get rid of the crappy thoughts that consume it on a daily basis. So, in an attempt to get rid of these mindless thoughts, I am going to try to say them out loud, ie: write them down here.

First and foremost, this man is H. O. T, hot...



...There, I said it! Sorry Ryan Reynolds…this is not a betrayl of you, it’s just a fact that needed to be stated.

I think they may be serving crack at school these days.

I’m convinced I will forever be known as “mom, the human coatrack.”

Mother nature clearly has some pent up sexual frustrations and she is taking it out on the Midwest, seriously snow on March 30th?

Cleaning my house is a big fat waste of time.

Cheap child labor is one of the benefits of being a parent.

I need to learn Korean so that I can see if the employees at my nail salon are, in fact, making fun of me.

Sleep is really just a luxury in my house anymore.

My laundry pile is kind of like Charlie Sheen, it NEVER goes away. Duh…loosing!

My “to do list” is multiplying quicker than the wives on the TLC show, Sister Wives.

Good things do occasionally happen to good people. I’m currently awaiting that occasion.

Calgon needs to take me away…or a hot fireman will do too.

Justin Beiber needs a new stylist. Anyone who convinces him it is still cool to wear your pants completely off your ass should not be paid good money.

Listening to my 7 year old sing Gun’s and Roses, Welcome to the Jungle, verbatim is both hysterical and disturbing at the same time.

If I don’t get back into a regular workout routine, I may just kill a unicorn.

I’m usually ready to go to bed before my kids are these days. Does that make me a bad mom?

Costco at noon is a great place to take your kids for lunch. What? Don’t judge me, you know you’ve done it before.

I need a maid, a chef, a chauffeur and a sugar daddy.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be a PTA mom or a room mom at my kid’s schools.

Wine has been my wingman as of late. Yeah, that’s not working for me either.

Lordy Lordy

In the words of John Edwards, Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, Jesse James and Bill Clinton…”I’m sorry”. Oh wait, I don’t think Bill Clinton ever uttered those words in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, so never mind, take him off the list.

I’m so so so so sorry! I cannot believe I have let you, my loyal blog readers down, yet again. You see, this time last year I had already put out my “birthday wish list” in order to give you all plenty of time to save your money and buy me the most special gifts you can. I think I got a good 75% of the items on my wish list. Heck, I even got a cute boy for my 39th birthday, but he let me down…so I won’t be asking for one of those again this year. Believe me, I’ve learned my lesson on that.

In exactly 15 days (March 12), I will be, yep, you guessed it 40! I cannot believe it. When I was Hamilton’s age(my 10 year old), my mom turned 40…and I thought she was old. I’d like to think I am a lot younger and cooler than my mom was when she turned forty. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not…bottom line, my kids think I’m awesome! And like all those people over there in Hollywood, I live by the motto “forty is the new thirty”. Oh wait, I think I just read an article the other day that said “forty is the new twenty”. Heck, at this rate, when I turn forty-one, it will be the new eleven…oh man, now I’m getting creeped out.

Anyway, I don’t care what the new forty is…I’m good with being forty, I think. Although, I did throw my back out a week or so ago when I bent down to pick up my hat off the floor, but that doesn’t really make me old does it? Oh and I had a bowl of cereal for dinner the other night…does that make me old? And does it make a difference if I tell you that I love to be in bed by 9pm? It hardly ever happens, but I love it when it does.

I’M NOT OLD! I can still hang with the best of them. I can, on occasion, go out, party it up, hang out until the wee hours of the morning, act like I’m in High School, be hung over and promise never to do it again. I can…I just choose not to, and when I choose not to I usually say something like, “I’m too old to be behaving this way.” But secretly I look forward to the opportunity to do it again.

Anyway, I need to get back on track…and by “back on track” I mean, I need to give you my wish list. If you need an address on where to send your gift(s), just email me and I will be happy to give it to you. Remember, you only have a little over 2 weeks…so, ready, set…go, start your shopping!

Gift Suggestion #1



New golf clubs, these in particular. I am determined to take the sport a little more serious this year than I have in the past.


Gift Suggestion #2



Ray Ban Aviator Sunglasses. I’m not a huge fan of the Aviator sunglasses, but usually by the time I jump on board a fashion trend, it’s on its way out the door. So I figured, if I got these for my birthday then maybe, just maybe another style will come along for the summer.


Gift Suggestion #3



Big Star Vintage Jeans. This needs no explanation…just look at them, aren’t they pretty? And yes, my butt looks fantastic in them!



Gift Suggestion #4



Black Labrador Retriever. Aren’t these the sweetest dogs ever? My ex and I had one when we were first married. In fact, I think the Ex got our lab for me on my 25th birthday. Anywho, I keep wanting to buy my kids a dog…but just haven’t been able to pull the trigger yet.


Gift Suggestion #5



The good old standby…flowers. But not just any flowers, Gerber Daisies! Not the cheesy white and yellow daisies that you can pick up at your local grocery store, but a beautiful bouquet of Gerber Daisies. They are guaranteed to put a smile on my face.


Gift Suggestion #6

A membership here…



And someone exactly like this...or someone who looks remotely like this...



to help me get my ass out of bed every morning and get to the gym. But I think it is important to note here, that as much as I would like to have someone this beautiful to wake up to in the morning, he may not sleep in my bed the night before, because if he did, we would never get out of bed. He must show up by my bedside and wake me with a gentle kiss….screeeeeeeech…sorry, I will stop fantasizing. Just send him over to give me the motivation I need to go work out.


Gift Suggestion #7



OPI- Pink Flamenco nail polish…I LOVE this color, and I normally don’t like having pink on my toes. A nice pedicure or two to go along with this polish would be greatly apprecaited too!


Gift Suggestion #8

And last but not least…one of these...



…yep a tummy tuck! If you don’t want to fork out the bill for the entire thing, that’s ok, a donation to the overall budget would be greatly appreciated.

So that’s it! I know it’s not much **snicker, snicker**, but it’s all I need! It never hurts to ask, right?

Happy Birthday to me!

I hope I never

Waste a Sunday morning trying to recover from a hangover, live my life not knowing what it feels like to love again, feel content enough with myself to think that I never need to improve myself,
have to visit the principal’s office on behalf of one of my kids, have to file for bankruptcy, walk by someone in need and not help,have to bury one of my kids, break someone’s heart (I wouldn't wish that on anyone), have to look for a job, have to figure out a way to support my kids,have to watch Brad Womack on another season of the Bachelor, have to see my dad in pain (watching him recover from my mom’s death is a memory I will never forget),have to battle cancer, have to explain to my kids why I have done something I’m not proud of, have to beg anyone for forgiveness, have to live through another four years under an Obama presidency, have to watch Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansen reunite, have to see my kids suffer, have my heart broken again…I’ve kissed enough frogs already, have to make a life and death decision, have to live my life without getting a tummy tuck…selfish, yes, I admit that, have to wonder why I’m not good enough yet again.

Divorce is never good...

…unless it’s your future second husband that is getting divorced!

Hello…am I the only one celebrating the break up of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansen? I never thought they were that cute together, but I never fought Scarlett for him either, because, let’s be honest here…she could probably kick my ass in less than 10 seconds.

I actually do hate the fact that they are separating…it saddens me when people get divorced, no matter what the situation…it’s never easy! But it's like I always say, "one person's trash is another person's treasure."

I do want to thank all of my fans and blog followers who kept me apprised of the situation last night. So far, I have received fifty plus emails, text messages and phone calls from you all wishing me luck with my future, 2nd husband. Ok…he may not be attainable, but he will always remain #1 on my list of three famous people that I am allowed to sleep with…no matter what my relationship status.

I originally had an article ready to post today on the most important lesson I have learned as a single parent, but I thought it might be more important to list the Top Ten Reasons Why I Think I Am the Perfect Partner for Ryan Reynolds., you know, in case he reads my blog.

Enjoy! I know I did…

10. Like me, he is afraid to fly! Nothing like supporting each other on our many trips back and forth to Canada to visit his family!

9. As I wrote in one of my posts last week, I have become a major magnet for emotionally unavailable men, and newly separated is basically the same as emotionally unavailable.

8. We would make ADORABLE babies. Apparently, this is what our child will look like…you decide! (don't judge me because I figured out how to morph our pictures together, you wish you would have thought of it first )



7. The letter “A” happens to be my absolute favorite letter in the alphabet…and my future husband looks fabulous dressed as my favorite letter on Sesame Street…come on, doesn’t everyone have a favorite letter?



6. I will be his shoulder to cry on, no matter what the situation…by the way, did I mention that that particular shoulder will be bare Ryan? And it’s big…not in a manly kind of way, but big in a supportive kind of way.

5. I am all about being a team. You see when Scarlett said “It was my mission to have a moment of privacy, to do something for myself,” when talking about your wedding, I knew you two were doomed. Do you hear the “me” and the “myself” in that statement? I'm just saying...

4. I hear that one of their issues was that Ryan was ready to have a baby and Scarlet wanted to focus on her career…there is that selfishness again…anyway, back to my point, I may almost be 40, but for Ryan, I would postpone my tummy tuck and have a child with him. You saw up above how adorable our kids would be.

3. Ryan has already been named the “Most Eligible Bachelor” of 2010…I know, Hollywood doesn’t waste any time. Well, lucky for Ryan, I am the Most Eligible Bachelorette in Fishers, IN…it’s his lucky day!

2. My friends already adore you and are very supportive of a future together. Trust me Ryan, this doesn’t come easy…my girlfriends don’t like everyone I date.

And the number one reason why I think I am the perfect rebound for Ryan Reynolds...

1. He was just nominated Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, and I have recently been told (my source will remain nameless, but let’s just say, he was a very reliable source at the time) that I have "gotten sexier with age". I was never good at math, correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe:

Sexiest Man Alive + Has Gotten Sexier With Age = True Love

So Ry Ry…hang in there, and by hang in there, I mean “text me”…these will be some tough months for you ahead!

Cleanliness is next to Godliness???

Have I ever told you how much I hate to clean my house? I hate it more than anything in this world. You see, I live in a house with two boys who always have their friends over playing and it always seems to make my house smell like a college dorm!

So I am constantly cleaning.

I’m the kind of person that likes order and cleanliness. My house is never…and I mean never 5 minutes away from being picked up and presentable to let’s say the Queen of England. That’s just who I am and how I roll. I enjoy a clean house.

Unfortunately, the time that I usually put into cleaning my house has been used up trying to keep caught up with work. You see, last week the warehouse that houses our curriculum caught on fire and we lost EVERYTHING during the first week of our four month long busy season. Needless to say there has been a lot of additional stress and additional hours put in dealing with the insurance company, fire Chief, printing companies and students…not to mention the countless hours of editing (that I should have had done weeks ago) in preparation for reprinting all of our books.

As you can imagine, I am under a TON of stress.

And when I’m stressed in one area of my life, I tend to slack in others.

And the area that is lacking now is my house, and I’m torn. I don’t like cleaning, but I also don’t like living in squalor, so this, you can imagine, presents an internal conflict of interest that at times I find very tear-provoking.

I know I mentioned in one of my numerous birthday posts last year that if I had one of these...



...then I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

But I have one of these and realize now that what I really meant to say was, if I had one of these...



...then I promise I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

So please, I beg you House cleaning God’s, send one of these hot boys that like to clean over to give me a little inspiration! If not send someone to buy me drinks…lots of drinks!

Or better yet, just send me him...



...I think he could inspire me to do anything!

Thank you in advance!

Completely gratuitous

For my viewing pleasure!

Top Ten Friday

Sorry people...Top Ten Friday will have to wait yet again.

Not because I'm in a funk.

Not because I'm stressed.

Not because it's hot outside.

But for the only valid reason a girl has to not post...and that is the fact that my Ry Ry boy got hurt on the set of this film.



...And I did what any stalker/care-giver would do. I dropped everything to be by his side and kiss his boo-boo.

Ok...he seemed a little shocked when I showed up with flowers and balloons in my sexiest lingerie. But he sent his friends or "body guards" as he likes to call them to take me to this nice little room in the basement of his house. While I must say, it's not a very inviting room, it only has a cement bench and a toilet with no walls for privacy. But there are a few other people here that I am getting to know well. Oh...did I tell you that this room also has bars on one wall and we even have our own body guard that unlocks the door to come and get Ry Ry's visitors one by one. I can only assume that they come and get us as he is up for visitors...

I will let you know as soon as it is my turn.

Project Love: Day #9

Love Affair

Romantic movies are popular for their happy endings. However, what people often don’t get is that these movies are only meant to entertain. Unfortunately, romantic comedies often give us unrealistic expectations about real-life relationships. Everyone likes to leave the movie theater with a happy feeling, the feeling that the guy got the girl and that they found something really special. The problem with this perception is that it often becomes the reality that people base their own romantic lives on.

I have to admit, when I see things like this
or this

I tend to put myself in the position of the female lead in the movie. In reality, I understand that things like this don’t normally happen, but in the basis of my head, which we all know controls my life to the full, I just don’t get it. I tend to still day dream about how I could be the lovely underdog being sought out by an unknowingly beautiful man.

And when I start to daydream, I create images like thisin my mind…you see, there I go again, Me and my Ryan Reynolds happily portraying the roles of Richard Gere and Debra Winger! It could happen, right? (thanks to my good buddy, Lynn, over here, for hooking me up with this fabulous picture)…Maybe it’s images like these that are what screw up the reality that has become my “lack of love” love life.

I mean, if you really think about it, most romantic comedies depict couples falling instantly in love and promote the idea of fate. There is also this underlying theme that the couples in these movies immediately understand one another. And it’s these ideas that set us up for disappointment or give us permission to create unrealistic expectations in our real life relationships. Unfortunately, it’s these types of movies that often allow us to forget about the big picture…no one ever farts in romantic comedies! Am I right people? Think about it!

What has happened is that we treat these on screen relationships as absolutes! When we see Ryan Reynolds wake up happy and cuddling with Sandra Bullock in the morning, we tend to think this is the normal for every morning. And the fact that Prince Charming would go from girl to girl to girl to find his princess is just unrealistic, yet we allow those fantasies to take over our real life relationships. We are in a sense being fed a picture of how men should act.

The idea has become that people will do absolutely anything for love. We are fed this pretty picture of how men are “supposed to act”. For example, in the movies, if a man finally realizes that he is in love with his female best friend he will make some grand gesture to prove his love for her. He will pull out all the stops, flowers, candles, jewelry, great food, mood music, cross country flights. Real men? Not so much! Men can be romantic, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not practical for them to fly across the country to tell his best friend that he loves her.

And if that isn’t enough, the “simple equation” that has become romantic comedies, is enough to make any woman go bonkers.

Picture this…they meet, they fall in love, an obstacle arises, they break up, one of the two realizes what an idiot he has been and makes the grand gesture, all is forgiven, they fall back in love and live happily ever after. THE END.

It’s often this simplification that throws real life relationships for a loop. What romantic comedies fail to communicate is that there is never just one obstacle. Real relationships are usually working through one obstacle after another…things are never good forever.

But this is the trap people (usually women) fall into. Movies constantly give us this idea that if we aren’t happy then it’s not meant to be or if we fight, then the relationship is doomed. Real people, like you and me, are starting to buy into this. And it’s when we buy into it that we become overwhelmed in our relationships which often lead to disapoinment.

It’s not to say that all of this isn’t entertaining, but real life couples need to take a step back and learn to communicate. They need to realize that hard times are normal and that true love emerges when you persevere through the tough times. Real relationships require time and energy, something that Hollywood often doesn’t promote. But until women (and men) stop expecting their fantasy, and start living in reality, we are going to continue this viscious cycle of creating unrealistic relationship expectations.

And by we, I mean me!

Love is a Battlefield

Not to toot my own horn but beep beep

In this day and age of political correctness what I have come to realize is that you cannot wish someone a Merry Christmas without possibly offending their religious or ethnic backgrounds. I actually had “Happy Holidays” printed on my annual Christmas cards this past year for fear of offending anyone. And when the cards arrived at my house I suddenly wanted to kick myself for allowing this fear to dictate my thoughts and feelings towards the holiday season. So, this I can promise you, in future years, I will stay strong to the reason for the season and put Merry Christmas on all of my holiday cards. After all, Christmas is a celebration of Christ’s birth…period! I will no longer hedge on nor apologize for this greeting, no matter who I am talking to or who I may offend.

It is this thought that made me start thinking of other things that I absolutely refuse to apologize for.

I will never ever apologize for my sarcastic sense of humor. It is how I was raised and how most people know me. I don’t know that I have ever offended anyone with my sarcasm, and honestly if I have, oops..but I’m not really sorry, because it’s me…and I kind of like me and don’t want to change me.

My inability to let the past be the past. This has always been a huge downfall for me. I can forgive most people, but for some reason, I have a very difficult time forgetting. And this "not forgetting" stuff is usually what gets me into trouble...

My love for Ryan Reynolds. I mean seriously…how can you not say “yummy” when you see this

or this

or even this

Seriously...who has abs like that?

Putting on a happy face…even when I am down. I don’t know if you know this about me or not, but I hate to be the center of attention! Maybe that is why I have a horrible fear of public speaking or being on a stage of any kind reciting lines. Come to think of it, I don’t even like to sing at church. For some reason I am always afraid it will draw unnecessary attention to me (like standing there like an idiot, not singing doesn’t draw attention to me) Anyway, back on topic… Here is a prime example of what I mean by me always putting on a happy face.

Christmas day was the loneliest day ever for me. Usually my ex and I split the holiday in half so that we can each spend time with the boys. But last year I took Hamilton and Gibson on vacation for the week of Christmas and the payoff for that was that my ex got them for most of the week this year. Now, let me stop here and say that my ex offered to let me have the boys for part of the time that week, but his brother passed away a couple of days before Christmas and I just thought that it was more important that our kids be with him to help him get through this difficult time.

Anyway he (my-ex) called me Christmas night to make sure that I was ok because he knew it would be difficult for me to be by myself. Of course, I lied and tried not to let any of the trembling in my voice come through on the phone while I was lying to him and telling him that I was great and enjoying the quite time. But as soon as I hung up…I started balling. It’s moments like these that I just don’t like to be the center of attention…I don’t want people adjusting their lives for me…I know it’s crazy…but it is who I am…I can’t help it.

Being me! This needs no explanation! Some people love me…some people don’t…and I’m ok with that. I will defend those that need defending. Those that know me know that I will fight to the death for my true friends. In fact, I recently just gave up on a friendship that had become toxic in order to stand up for someone I believed in more than the said toxic friend. And let me tell you, it was the BEST decision I had ever made.

Now, there are many more things that I won’t ever apologize for, like being involved with someone that I know isn’t good for me, or putting my kids first in my life, or fighting for the underdog, or watching reality television, or even letting my kids eat candy for dinner….hey, don’t judge me for that one, I would only give them candy for dinner on nights that they are going to their dads house…I’m no dummy!

But the bottom line is, I am moody, I am giggly, I love to be goofy, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sometimes quick to judge…I have issues, just like everybody else. But I refuse to apologize for those things that make me, well, me.

Open Letters

Dear Hamilton and Gibson,

I am a much better communicator of the written word than I am of the spoken word. So I am hoping that when I write out the following statement (in all Caps, which of course means I am mad), that I will finally be heard. So here goes…

“IF ONE OF YOU PEES ON THE OTHER ONE MORE TIME WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM, YOU WILL BOTH BE DEAD MEAT”

I love you,
Mom
*************************************************************************************

Dear Dude in the Hummer riding my ass during the snow storm,

I would appreciate it if you would back up. I am very aware that you are behind me and my little 2010 Honda Accord on the snow covered roads. Believe me, I am aware! But here is a hint…I’m not going to drive any faster. So either pick up your speed and go over me, or turn on your turn signal and go around me.

Thank you,
Cautious driver
*************************************************************************************

Dear Teenage girls at Super Target,

You don’t look as cool as you think you do talking very loudly about how drunk you were at your friends New Years Eve Party. Believe me, it’s not cool when your 21 or 41 so it definitely isn’t cool when your still a teenager.

Unfortunately you will only appreciate this letter after you have had kids of your own.

Signed,
An unimpressed mom
*************************************************************************************

Dear Food Industry,

Tofu does not taste like chicken, low fat cheese does not taste the same as regular cheese and fat free ice cream, what the hell were you thinking. Stop trying to convince me otherwise. I’m not buying it. And those that are buying it are lying to you and to themselves!

Yours truly,
A Foodie
*************************************************************************************

Dear Scarlett Johannsen,

This letter is to inform you that you may divorce Ryan Reynolds at any time. I promise you I will be here with open arms to support him and love him through this difficult time. I can promise you that I will never hate you for setting him free.

Now, your singing career, on the other hand, I will hate you if you continue that…you are not good at it. Give it up. As I always say, if you really love something
(ie: Ryan and singing)you should set it free.

Love,
Ryan’s 2nd Wife
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Dear Toxic Friend,

I saw you on Friday at Panera. You looked sad. I wanted to hug you. I smiled at you but I don’t think you saw me. I miss you, but I also know that us not being friends is much better for me.

Hope you are well,
Hurt by your comments
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