Epic FAIL

My date…you know the one with “Mr. Showerhead”? Yeah, it didn’t go so well.

It’s the story of my life.

I tried really hard…I did.

I tried to make a good impression, even though it wasn’t our first.

We have spent many many mornings together in the past, but nothing quite as quaint as what I was expecting this past weekend.

I was prepared…more so than any other date in the past.

I had on comfortable clothes, didn’t eat all day, and was eager for what was to come.

I brought all the right tools, had all the appropriate…ahem…protection and was raring to go.

But guess what?

I didn’t even get to first base.

Nope, not even close!

I couldn’t even budge the damn showerhead. I tried all different angels with the wrench and it wouldn’t move. Mr. Jackhole put the showerhead on so damn tight that I couldn’t loosen it, no matter how hard I tried!

Damn!

Another dating disappointment.

I tried not to take it personally, but you all know me, I always take rejection in my dating life personally.

Thank goodness my brother is coming to town this weekend.

Fixing the showerhead will be first on his “brother-do” list!

What men want

I have met so many fabulous people at my new job! I mean FABULOUS! They are not only fun to work with, but the best part is that the ones I sit next to have the same sense of humor as I do…you know, dry, witty and very VERY sarcastic…and this makes work FUN.

I was having lunch with some of them on Friday and one of the guys made this comment to me, he said, “it’s no wonder you are still single, guys like to be needed and it is very clear that you don’t “need” a guy.”

I was shocked!

He was right…I don’t “need” a guy…but I "want" one.

So, we carried on with the conversation a little more…you know in a very funny, sarcastic way. He got all “girly” and giggled at everything I said…you know in a way that girls are supposed to when they want to get the attention of a guy.

Yeah…that’s not my style.

My style is to show the guys that come across my path, that I am a put together independent woman. I have a great job that I love. I can support myself and my family. I own my own house. I have my shit together (thanks to 4 years of therapy). I have a great ex-husband who is a terrific father. I have two boys that are at a stage where they realize that it is a good possibility that I will be in a relationship one day with someone other than their dad.

These qualities are what makes me…me!

Apparently, these qualities scare men off.

So here’s the deal. I had an ah ha moment this weekend. And here it is…

I guess I do need a man in my life!

You know what made me come to this conclusion?

Here it is…

I hate my showerhead!

Yep…that’s what made me realize that I NEED a man in my life.

So here’s the deal…I need a man to come over and fix it for me.

It has been driving me crazy for months now, and I’m afraid to take it apart and fix it, at the risk of breaking it.

I could wait for my brother to come to town and fix it, but I don’t think I can wait that long. You know, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl!

So if your single, a handyman, have your own tools, are emotionally stable, and available at all this week, let me know…I will even buy you dinner after!

Will it help if I giggle and bat my eyes when I ask, would that be more appealing to you?

Lessons Learned the Memorial Day Edition

I include my Ex on the neighborhood pool membership every year. This year, however, we were listed as The Ex & Julie + our last name, on the key tag. It made me feel weird.

Also available in the tampon machine in the bathroom of my local movie theater; Purdue face tattoos, lip gloss glitter, sour candy and ibuprofen. Who would have thought?

The Midwest seems to be back on good terms with Mother Nature…knock on wood!

My attention span for bored little boys on long weekends is very limited.

75% of my life (friends, family and job) is AWESOME, it’s the remaining 25% that I continue to struggle with.

I always feel like a new woman after a fresh manicure and pedicure.

I hate spring cleaning but my house always looks so good when it’s done.

Ryan Reynolds is in a movie with Jason Bateman coming out in July. The movie looks stupid but I will still pay top dollar to see it.

There is nothing like a few pots with gorgeous flowers to dress up my trashy looking lawn.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out my stupid showerhead. I wish I had a handyman that could not only take care of that but take care of me too!

At 40, I still cannot throw a Frisbee!

They always come back…it’s a fact, they just do!

Participating in my first Warrior Dash in August with my girlfriends excites me yet scares me at the same time too.

Vacuuming a 3600 square foot house in 90 degree weather is a workout in itself...who needs a gym membership?

Lessons learned

Just because your kids aren’t in the car it doesn’t mean you still can’t play slug bug.

Going to work can be fun.

There is always one mom at school functions that makes you feel like you just don’t do enough.

I can’t remember what it feels like to get a full 8 hours sleep.

My mornings would be so much better if my kids didn’t have to spend them in time out.

It’s ok to stay in on a Saturday night…in fact, I’m looking forward to it!

I’m usually not into meatheads, but part of my new workout goal is more protein…meatheads may be just what I need!

I envy men because they get along. Case in point: when a man walks into a room full of other men, he doesn’t get eyed up and down and silently criticized for his ugly belt…well, unless that room is a room full of gay men.

Boys suck! (this is a lesson that I learn every week but forget each week too)

A good handyman would make my life so much easier…a lawn boy too, oh yeah, and a housekeeper, a cook, and a personal trainer would all be appreciated as well.

A salad just isn’t a salad when you make it yourself.

People aren’t always who they portray themselves to be.

Being true to myself is sometimes very difficult, but I know it will pay off in the long run

Gas at $3.91 a gallon is NOT a reason to celebrate.

He's just not that into you when

He's just not that into you when...

He doesn’t plan in advance, he cancels dates more that he keeps dates, he wants to wait until the two of you have more than 3 hours to spend together, he takes longer than 36 hours to respond to a simple text message, the majority of the time spent together is between the hours of sun down and sun up, he only wants to spend time together on his terms, he is not making an effort to see you, he says things like “I’m no good at relationships”, he only contacts you every few days or so, he initiates with phrases like, “we need to get together soon” but then never follows through, he doesn’t want regular consistent contact with you…and so on and so on.

My question is this...

If it doesn’t take a genius to figure this out…then why do I feel like such an idiot?

Lessons learned last week

If you don’t ask for what you want you will spend your life wondering why everyone else gets what they want.

I don’t care what anyone says, it’s my path and I’m going to follow it at my own pace.

Leave a party just a little after it’s peaked…trust me, you will thank me one day for this advice.

Do not compare yourself to others, you never know what they have been through to be who they are or where they are.

Hallmark cards with music are great until your 7 year old gets a hold of it and takes it to the bathroom with him…at 2am…good times!

When you need help, ask for it. People can’t read minds!

Trust your gut; but more importantly, you have to learn to tell the difference between your gut feeling, hormones and wishful thinking. This is tough for a single woman in her 40’s.

Men are from earth! Women are from earth! It’s a fact, get over it!

The more I learn, the dumber I feel.

Getting back up after you fall down is the most important aspect of failing.

It doesn’t matter how often I vacuum my house, I will forever be sweeping up pine needles from the Christmas tree.

Opening the new window after you have shut a door to your life can be scary and exciting all at the same time.

If you want to be considered the best mom in the world, surprise your kids with a trip to the toy store out of the blue. If you want to be considered the worst mom in the world, walk out without buying anything because you didn’t think their behavior while in said toy store was worth a purchase.

Vodka logic

There are many flaws about me to which I could call your attention to. But, quite frankly, I did not sleep much last night because I was addicted to the ongoing coverage of the death of Osama Bin Laden, so I’m tired and choosing not to beat myself down on a Monday morning!

Yeah, I love myself that much.

Now with that said, it’s already May 2nd. I cannot believe that this year is already almost ½ way over. It seems like the older I get the more time flies. And with every significant change of the calendar, ie: each new month, I consider myself born anew. Because if I don’t , I end up being too hard on myself when I don’t reach my goals that I made the year before.

On the first day of the year, I signed a personal oath to myself about finishing my book, strengthening my relationships, finding the perfect job and doing everything right for a change. In typical fashion, I would then spend the next 364 days holding my breath and waiting for these goals to magically finish on their own. This is where my unhealthy attachment to “right” comes into play. The right project, the right man, the perfect job…the pressure to not make a mistake or waste my time or be anyone’s fool, quite frankly, stresses me out.

The months tend to flounder. I spend my days waiting, holding out for a sign or a winning lottery ticket, only to become more and more frustrated. You see, I’m never sure what’s right and I’m so afraid to be wrong. I should ask questions, but I would rather wait until an answer falls in my lap. It’s easier that way.

Yeah, that’s usually how I do it.

But not this year. Not in 2011.

This year, I am giving myself permission to be wrong and fail on occasion.
From here on out, I am going to focus on the wrong projects. From here on out, I want to follow the wrong leads. From here on out, I want to let my book sit and stew. From here on out, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and focusing on the things that make me uncomfortable, things I don’t really need to know but want to try.

I declare 2011 my throw away year!

This is my year for learning, growing and not being a fool when it comes to relationships in my life.

This is my year for effing up, letting in, breathing out, and moving on.

This year I don’t need or want answers.

This year, I’m giving myself permission to have fun and not be so consumed with the outcomes.

This year, I’m gonna “do it my way” ala Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Now…let’s get moving…I only have 8 months to eff it all up and start anew on January 1, 2012.

I've got a playdate with destiny

I think I mentioned before that I have been working through a 30 day renewal program. Well, it has officially become a 45 day program, life kind of got in the way. It was a gift I bought myself for my birthday. I hit 40 and BAM…I felt a crisis coming along. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life and I was scared that I didn’t know how to get where I wanted to go.

I had just broken up with my therapist and quickly felt my world crumbling around me, but I couldn’t go back to him for advice. Oh no, I had to prove to him that I learned a lot over our years together and I could survive life without him.

I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on him and his guidance.

It was kind of scary!

So I took the bull by the horns and started this renewal program. And can I say WOW! It has really opened my eyes up to me. It kind of pisses me off that my years of expensive therapy never brought me to this realization. But it is what it is. Maybe my therapist was telling me this all along and I just didn’t get it.

Don’t judge me, I was never a super smart girl in school. But I sure did have fun!

I hope to write a few posts in the future about the realizations I have come to in this 45 day process. But to put them all in one post would be confusing and quite frankly, downright boring!

So today’s focus is the eye opener I had regarding my personal life.

One of the days throughout this process we had to answer two questions: First, write about a time in your life that made you feel wonderful or joyous, and second, write about a time in your life that made you feel sad, unhappy or frustrated. Both times I wrote about experiences I had with the only two men I have ever been in love with.

Then we had to compare and contrast our answers.

This is where my light bulb moment came into play.

When I was answering the questions I talked about how the Ex made me feel when he asked for a divorce and compared it to my relationship with Mr. Jackhole and how he made me feel throughout. Of course, there were two totally different sets of feelings, sadness and frustration in one, and happiness, and self confidence in the other. However, the end result for both relationships was hurt, sadness and tremendous pain for me.

And there-in lies the light bulb moment.

I believe the reason I cannot find Mr. Right is because I am scared of being hurt by someone again. Therefore, I don't open myself up completely to the person I am spending time with.

I have recently been spending some time with and chatting with the Hot Fireman again. I love our time together even though it is very rare. I love it when he texts me and I know he is thinking about me. I love the way he makes me laugh and feel. I love it when I make him laugh. We just always seem to have fun together. I definitely love spending as much time with him as I can.

But the last time we hung out, he made a comment early on in our time together that I seemed nervous. I wasn’t nervous, persay. I think I was more scared than anything. Scared of what could happen if we continue to chat and spend time together. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart get involved. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart take control of the relationship instead of my head.

You see, I continue to believe that if my head is in control then there will always be a “safe” distance between us. What scares me is that moment that I lose control and let my heart overpowers my head.

The trick has become trying to find an even balance between the focus of my head and the focus of my heart at the same time. You know, kind of like when you were a kid and you tried to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time. (ok…stop for a moment and try it…go ahead…you know you want to)

Great, now that you got that out of your system, let’s try to focus again.

I’m almost done.

The trick to patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time is to keep moving your attention, rapidly, from one hand to the other and back again. If you don’t you wind up either rubbing or patting both your head and your belly. In other words, sacrificing one for the sake of the other.

Just like that silly little game, I realized that in order to not focus on the potential of a hurtful outcome with the Hot Fireman, I need to readjust my thinking and rapidly move my focus from my heart to my head and back again at all times when it comes to our relationship. Otherwise, I will end up sabotaging what could possibly be a great thing in my life.

Make sense?

I LOVE LIGHT BULB MOMENTS!

Lessons learned last week

Just because you drink 48 oz of water in 30 minutes, it doesn’t mean you will be able to pee in a cup on command.

I just may have to build my family an ark if Mother Nature continues to be on PMS.

I may need to start selling myself on the street corner in order to pay for all of the things my kids think we need to have.

Adults don’t always act like adults under high stress situations.

I miss the Jersey Shore. This statement does not make me proud.

Watching my son play basketball is highly stressful, and he is only in the 4th grade.

Good things come to those who wait.

Just because you pay a lawn service to take care of your yard, it doesn’t mean they know what they are doing. Sorry neighbors, my yard is going to be the white trash yard of the neighborhood until next year.

Always be good to your friends, you never know when you might have a princess in the group.

I’ve still got it!

It's gonna take a miracle

Do you ever have moments in your life when you know you are being given a sign for something, but you aren’t quite sure what it means? I feel like this happens to me more often than not. But most of the time I tend to ignore these signs and try not to read too much into them because I find that those kinds of situations tend to drive me nuts.

If it’s not 100% clear to me I don’t dwell on it or try to figure it out. You see, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl and if it isn’t clear to me I don’t mess with it.

I have recently gotten a sign…a BIG sign…HUGE!

Last night after my workout at the gym I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. We met at church years ago and used to be pretty friendly. Now our schedules seem to get in the way of church and life, so we don’t see each other much. But last night we picked up like we were great friends.

She is a lot like me. She is a hardworking, independent single mom who also struggles with the balance of being a good mom and having a quality relationship. Within 2 minutes of our conversation we start talking about the men (or lack thereof) in our lives.

We can’t help it…it’s what women do.

She, like me, is frustrated with dating. She, unlike me, made the decision about 6 months ago to not date, focus on herself and her happiness. I like who she has become! Don’t get me wrong, she has always been a great girl, but the confidence she has in herself and who she is, was FANTASTIC!

I was quite envious!

Then, this morning, like most mornings, I logged into FaceBook to be a voyer in the lives of my friends... It’s my coffee, I have to do it in order to function. Anyway, as soon as I logged in, I got an instant message beep from another friend of mine who checks up on me regularly. He is a fabulous photographer and a Godly man who is often very encouraging to me about many things in my life. But mostly about my kids, my writing, and my relationships.

And his suggestion to me this morning, out of all mornings, was to stop getting in the way of myself and start focusing on learning to love what makes me, well…me. He suggested that I date…wait for it…that I date myself, and learn to love me first.
He thinks my missing link is that I’m not loving me and expecting to get that love from someone else.

It was then clear to me.

That’s the “thing” that I saw in my girlfriend last night. She had clearly learned how to love herself first and that love is the love that made her life tick. I suddenly realized that no one is going to be good enough for me until I’m good enough for me.

It became all too clear in a chance meeting with an old friend and an IM chat with a Godly man.

So here’s my plan…

I’m deleting my Match.com profile immediately, canceling my two dates this week, and putting the focus back on me. I have so little time to myself and the thought of spending one more minute with a random guy trying to see if there is a connection between the two of us makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of primping, plucking, ironing, and shaving for one more first date makes me want to pull my eyeballs out.

I’m not shutting myself off to dating persay, but I am shutting myself off from looking for Mr. Right. If he is already in my life, then he is going to have to step up to the plate and reveal himself to me. If I he isn’t already a part of my life, well, it’s going to take a miracle to find me.

And I’m ok with that.

I'll have a Chai Tea Vodka Latte please

My mind is full of crap lately. And if you are anything like me, sometimes it’s difficult to get rid of the crappy thoughts that consume it on a daily basis. So, in an attempt to get rid of these mindless thoughts, I am going to try to say them out loud, ie: write them down here.

First and foremost, this man is H. O. T, hot...



...There, I said it! Sorry Ryan Reynolds…this is not a betrayl of you, it’s just a fact that needed to be stated.

I think they may be serving crack at school these days.

I’m convinced I will forever be known as “mom, the human coatrack.”

Mother nature clearly has some pent up sexual frustrations and she is taking it out on the Midwest, seriously snow on March 30th?

Cleaning my house is a big fat waste of time.

Cheap child labor is one of the benefits of being a parent.

I need to learn Korean so that I can see if the employees at my nail salon are, in fact, making fun of me.

Sleep is really just a luxury in my house anymore.

My laundry pile is kind of like Charlie Sheen, it NEVER goes away. Duh…loosing!

My “to do list” is multiplying quicker than the wives on the TLC show, Sister Wives.

Good things do occasionally happen to good people. I’m currently awaiting that occasion.

Calgon needs to take me away…or a hot fireman will do too.

Justin Beiber needs a new stylist. Anyone who convinces him it is still cool to wear your pants completely off your ass should not be paid good money.

Listening to my 7 year old sing Gun’s and Roses, Welcome to the Jungle, verbatim is both hysterical and disturbing at the same time.

If I don’t get back into a regular workout routine, I may just kill a unicorn.

I’m usually ready to go to bed before my kids are these days. Does that make me a bad mom?

Costco at noon is a great place to take your kids for lunch. What? Don’t judge me, you know you’ve done it before.

I need a maid, a chef, a chauffeur and a sugar daddy.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be a PTA mom or a room mom at my kid’s schools.

Wine has been my wingman as of late. Yeah, that’s not working for me either.

Does happiness cloud our minds

After my break up with Mr. Perfect for Me I did a lot of soul searching.

I realized that dating him was just a reminder of the fact that we, and by “we” I mean “women in general”, tend to get caught up in the moment when we are in what we think is a happy fulfilling relationship. We tend to overlook the little things, which often times end up becoming the deal breakers in relationships.

We can’t help it.

It’s in our nature.

During this period of soul searching, I came up with a list. A list of characteristics that I will no longer HEDGE on when it comes to the men in my life, no matter what my heart tells me! I have realized I have to grow up, take accountability for my behavior, my actions and most importantly, my heart.

CHARACTER
Reputation is the issue here, in family life, relationships, and profession. It can be seen most easily in what he will choose to do when he is all alone. It is the way in which he lives his life. Does he do what he says he is going to do? Does he follow through? Does he make good choices?

HONESTY
Does he keep his word? This is a tough thing to do all of the time, especially in relationships. Circumstances sidetrack us, other priorities take precedence and overwhelm our thinking. Bottom line, does he do the right thing?

PRINCIPLES
This, I consider the inner strength at the core of his heart. It is clear when we see how a man spends his money. Does he buy fancy cars or blow money on unnecessary things? I wholeheartedly believe you will find a man’s heart where his wallet is. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to splurge every once in a while, but typically how does he spend his money? Is it to impress you?

PEACEFUL HEART
I think peace is created by thought patterns. A man, whose actions come from his heart, is usually a peaceful man. Peace does not mean panic, or busyness. When the hurriedness of everyday life takes over, relationships tend to become dysfunctional. It’s ok to slow down and enjoy life. You don’t always have to be on the go.

BEHAVIOR
Discipline. I once heard it said that the “will to win” is not what wins the game. The game was won long before it was played. It’s the will to prepare to win that wins the game. I think that the willingness of a man to discipline his life is the key to success in not only business but relationships as well.

MATURITY
Maturity, it doesn’t come with years, it comes with the acceptance of responsibility and growth. Mature men don’t necessarily need to be recognized or esteemed in public. He acts mature because he believes maturity is right. But more importantly, he is consistent, decisive and strong.

FRIEND
Last but not least, being someone’s friend instead of just being friendly is the key. Being friendly accepts no responsibility for the other person’s feelings or wellbeing. While being a friend is someone who accepts the bonds and context of being someone your friend can depend on.

It’s sad as I look back at these characteristics. I can’t believe I would hedge on any of these, but I did…on all of them with Mr. Perfect for Me…and it took me getting out of that relationship before I realized it.

Happiness clouds our minds…and if it clouds our minds then are we really happy?

I want that

So I managed to survive my 40th birthday with grace and maturity all while keeping my dignity in check. I know some of you are surprised by that, but that’s what happens when one turns 40…it’s called personal growth people! I had a great week long celebration with family and lots of friends. Heck, I might even be so bold as to wish that 40th birthdays could happen every year…yep, it was that good.

But…

Oh come on, nothing is that good…you had to know there was a “but” coming somewhere along the way.

As much as I was looking forward to turning 40, there is still one thing that I really hate about it.

No, it’s not the fact that I woke up to this on Saturday morning…



…nothing like the smell of fire to make you sit up straight in your bed bright and early on a Saturday morning.

And no it’s not the fact that I think I got food poisoning during my birthday celebration with Hot Fireman on Friday night. (Sorry Hot Fireman, if you're reading this, I promise to make it up to you soon. And we both know soon in our schedules is within the next six weeks or your birthday, whichever comes first.)

And it’s definitely not that I haven’t accomplished any of the goals I set for myself to accomplish before I turned 4o.

Nope, it’s none of those…

The fact is the worst part about turning 40 is that those around you are also getting older too. And by “those around you” I mean my dad in particular.

I hate the fact that he is getting older.

In fact, I just got back from taking him home from the hospital. He was admitted into the ER after his cardiac rehab appointment.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life laying there helpless and scared not knowing what is wrong with him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know you can’t do anything to help him.

It sucks to walk into a hospital and see the man you have looked up to your entire life and you know that what he wants deep down inside is to be in heaven with his wife whom he loved dearly and lost 11 ½ years ago.

It just plain sucks!

But, what I realized when I was sitting there with him is that I want what he had with my mom! They were married for 35 years before she passed away.

They truly loved each other. Sure, they bickered and took each other for granted at times, but there was never any question as to their love for each other. I want that.

They never put on an act, they were always themselves when they were around each other. There was no judging…each was accepted by the other, no matter what. I want that.

They taught me and my brothers what love is and what it means to love, especially in the end when my mom was very sick and my dad was by her side 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I want that.

They brought out the best in each other. I want that.

They talked about everything and knew that listening wasn’t just about waiting for your turn to talk. I want that.

They always knew that no matter what tomorrow may bring, today their lives were more complete because they had each other, no matter what, through thick and thin. I want that.

Growing up. my parents quickly became the role models for the relationships I had in my life. The message of how they treated one another was deeply imbedded in my psyche. And I want my kids to have that same feeling about me someday.

Maybe they will…maybe they won’t, but let’s suffice it to say, I want that too!

Something happened on the way to turning 40

In my 39 years, 362 days here on this earth I have learned ALOT, some good things, some bad things and some ugly things...but, no matter what, they were all worthy lessons. Some of these lessons I wish I would have learned at different times so that I could have either enjoyed them longer, or been hurt by them less. But we can't always control what we learn and when we learn it, all we can do is change ourselves based on the experiences we have.

So consider yourselves lucky blog fans...I'm sharing with you today, my most prized list to date...I like to call it 39 lessons in 39 years.

1. When people show you the kind of person they are the first time, BELIEVE them!

2. You are so smart, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

3. Credit cards are the work of the devil.

4. If you are going to be a slut, please be discreet about it.

5. Don't be afraid to venture out alone.

6. Don't ever let your eyes play tricks on you.

7. Live your dream and wear your passion.

8. Don't dwell on past relationships, men are like busses, another one comes around every 15 minutes.

9. A half truth is a whole lie.

10. The key to happiness is realizing and experiencing your dreams instead of just dreaming them.

11. Teachers are noble.

12. Read. read. read. Write. write. write.

13. Never say what another person will or won't do.

14. Trust your gut!

15. Nothing beats a good cocktail!

16. Cherish your loved ones.

17. This is your life...do what YOU love!

18. If someone isn't there for you anymore you have to let him/her go no matter how difficult that may be.

19. Now is the time to enjoy the great life that you have.

20. Do not allow others to make you feel like less of a person, no matter what their reason is.

21. Stop fighting yourself.

22. You are good enough!

23. Sometimes your mom does know best.

24. Always be yourself...do NOT pretend for anyone.

25. No one needs to know everything about you.

26. Keep your friends close and forget about your enemies.

27. Nothing, and I mean nothing is better than good sex.

28. Use what you have to get what you want.

29. If you don't like something, don't bitch about it, change it.

30. All emotions are beautiful.

31. Open your mind, arms and heart to new things.

32. If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort to be in it.

33. You always know what you have, you just don't ever think you will lose it.

34. When things in your life don't add up, then maybe it is time to start subtracting.

35. The good thing about life is that there is always another chapter.

36. Love yourself first!

37. Hold onto yourself tight because sometimes life hurts like hell.

38. Remember, you are beautiful, no matter what anyone else tells you.

39. Don't be afraid to get lost, because it will only help you find yourself.

Closure smosure...

Recently I’ve been spending some quality time with my therapist. I swear I’m going to give him up one day, but for some reason I just can’t quit him. Maybe it’s because he is one of the only men in my life that I think truly listens to me and genuinely cares about what happens to me. This is definitely the only relationship in my life that is all about me…and I like it. Of course, I have to fork out tons of money every month to have this kind of relationship with a man, but trust me…it’s worth every penny.

I swear it’s because of him (and of course the money that I pay him) that has helped me move on so quickly from my relationship with Mr. Perfect for Me. I have realized over the past month or so many things about myself that I didn’t like when I was in that relationship (more on that later).

But, on the plus side, I have also found out some things that I really liked about myself. Most importantly is the fact that I realized that I don’t need closure at the end of a relationship to move on and be happy. Because for me, closure was becoming more about him than it was me.

Let me explain.

In my relationship with Mr. Perfect for me, I was adamant about getting closure, and like most men, he wasn’t fond of the idea. Even though I was the one that put the final nix on the relationship, I still felt like I needed closure. I felt deep down that I wouldn’t be able to move on unless I knew exactly where things went wrong.
But here is what I realized.

I realized I was sabotaging myself for wanting closure so badly, when truth be told, I just didn’t want to free myself from thoughts and emotions regarding Mr. Perfect for Me. I said I didn’t want to think about him anymore, yet my mind always drifted in that direction.

My “need to know” thoughts seemed to overpower my ability to move on. You know, the questions that hamper us all during a fresh break up. What is he doing right now? Is he hurting? Does he miss me? Does he regret what he did? Does he want to reunite with me? Is he happy that it is over? Is he already moving on? Is he sleeping with someone else? Does he care about them like he cared about me? How can he act like this isn’t affecting him? Did he really love me?

What I realized is that the answer to those questions would have made absolutely no difference in my life. I wasn’t willing to wait around for Mr. Perfect for Me to decide if he was going to stick with me or move in another direction and work on rekindling his relationship with his control freak, selfish, type A ex wife who treated him and his kids like crap for years. It didn’t take me long to realize that these questions I was asking myself were all about him, and not ME! The answers to those questions would not have given me closure, they would have only led to more questions.

I also realized that I have a wonderful imagination and I am curious by nature. Which only led to me fantasize about what was going on with him. I would imagine telling him all of the things I didn’t like about him and that he didn’t deserve to be with me anyway. I would imagine him crying when he said how sorry he was(that actually happened). I would go over and over our conversations in my mind just in case I ever see him or talk to him again, I want to be prepared with what I would say. I started picturing him miserable and suffering. The problem is I realized I was living in my imagination rather than accepting my reality and dealing with it.

So, instead of focusing on the shiny happy times, or the things I will miss about Mr. Perfect for me, I started focusing on the bad side of the relationship, and reasons why it didn’t work out and how the signs were probably there from the beginning. I think about the way he handled things in the end and how much he disappointed me. I think about his selfishness and insecurities and I thank God that our relationship stopped when it did. He was not the man for me, and I realize that now.

I’m just glad that I realized it sooner rather than later!

You have my word

“You have my word”

You don’t hear this statement much anymore, do you? A person’s word doesn’t go as far as it used to. Once upon a time, in a land far far away a man’s word used to mean something. In fact, I can remember my grandpa saying that to people all of the time. He raised his family in a small southern Indiana town where kids were carefree and everyone knew everyone. I can vividly remember walking down the street one day and stopping with him to have a conversation with a man he knew and at the end of the conversation he said…”you have my word”.

At the time, I couldn’t help but wonder what that meant, I was 9.

Here I am, soon to be 40, and I can’t help but wonder still what that statement means.

Yesterday I watched an old episode of 24. I’m not a huge 24 fan, but there was nothing else to watch at 3am. In this episode, Jack Bauer said those exact same words to another man and then almost lost his life staying true to his word. It got me thinking…there aren’t many people left in this world that would say those words and then go to their death staying true to those words. I like to think I would and I like to think that I surround myself with people that would too.

Unfortunately that’s not always the case.

I think those words come down to trust. When someone gives you their word and then doesn’t follow through it’s hard to rebuild that trust that has been broken. I know it’s not always easy to keep ones word. In fact, there are times when even I have the best of intentions and things come up or don’t go as planned and I in turn have to break my promise, but like Jack Bauer, I do everything in my power to keep my word.

I can even be understanding and forgiving up to a point because I know I am not perfect. But when you rip my heart out from my chest and stomp all over it…it’s usually pretty difficult for me to trust. And very rarely will I ever again go to bat for someone like that. And I hate this quality about me. When it comes to matters of the heart, I am very protective of my own. If I weren’t, who else would be? I wish I were quicker to forgive…but in my book, forgiveness takes time…you have my word on that.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Being a single parent can be tough at times. The worst part is not having that someone there that you can rely on to talk you down from the moments of stress. You know, like when one of your beautiful kids spills hot chocolate on the freshly cleaned carpets…yeah, it’s moments like these that I often need that person to take my hand, lead me to another room and remind me to count to ten before reacting.

My biggest struggle as a single parent, however, is that I am only one person trying to accommodate two very busy, active and energetic boys. Most days I am up at 6am and running non-stop until 10pm, often times running errands related to my kids even at lunch, with little or no time for myself. I am often wiped out by the time my head hits the pillow.

My life revolves around my kids! I can’t help it…it just does. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Quite frankly there is nothing that pleases me more than my kids being healthy, active and individual boys who love life, their family, and God equally. I’ve worked hard at that! Often times I look back at my marriage and wonder if the fact that I put the boys ahead of my husband was the reason behind our divorce. I still don’t know, I may never know, but it is the closure I had to give myself in order to move on to a healthier life.

I don’t regret anything I have done in my life!

In the early stages of being a single mom, this role of “being at my kid’s beck and call 24 hours a day” caused a huge imbalance in my life. I struggled to find time for me, let alone others in my life. Looking back, I probably would have been remarried by now if I could have found the balance between being a single mom and being a vibrant outgoing single woman.

But I just couldn’t figure out how to do it without feeling guilty!

I can’t tell you how many times I would cancel on my friends at the last minute or just flat out turn them down because I was invited to do something on a night that I had my kids. At the time, all I could think about was the fact that I had so few awake hours with them a week, that I didn’t want to waste one moment away from them. I often felt guilty leaving them on “my time”. In fact, when they were little and napped, my “me time” became those few precious hours a day that they would sleep. Unfortunately those precious hours diminished quickly and so did my “me time”.

But then I discovered something very powerful. Something that I wish I would have learned a lot earlier in my life as a single woman. I learned that it is ok to go out on nights that you have your kids. Now…don’t take this as permission to do this all of the time, but on occasion it is good to let your kids see you going out for the evening. And by going out, I don’t mean going out on a drunken binge or going out and not coming home until the wee hours of the morning or anything crazy like that. But it is definitely ok to go out on a date, or have a girls night, or even a spa treatment or two.

It is ok! Trust me!

It is ok to drop the kids off at grandma and grandpas, or to hire a babysitter. People do it all of the time. And you know what, I’m a better mom when I do it. And my kids…well, I think it is good for them to see me get dressed up and go out for the evening. At some point, they need to realize that you have a life that doesn’t solely revolve around them.

It’s healthy for everyone!

Ever since I have incorporated that balance in my life, I have become a much happier woman and a much better mom. Unfortunately I’m kind of in a funk right now and won’t be practicing what I preach anytime soon, but trust me it is definitely good for the soul!

A funny thing happened on the way to independence

So you all know that this weekend I was determined to prove to myself yet again that I don’t necessarily need a man in my life.

Well guess what happened?

It was an epic FAIL!

I made the mistake of taking on the heavy task of flipping my mattress first thing Sunday morning. Big mistake! HUGE! Yep, I managed to do some damage to my back. It makes me feel very old and humiliated in a way. Kind of like how my mom must have felt when I was young and she threw her back out while taping a garage sale sign to a box in the driveway.

Yeah…that kind of humiliation!

Thank God when my kids got home from their dads they were able to drag the mattress back to its original spot.

My back and my brain are pissed at me for not accepting the offer of help with stuff around the house. I have been living on double doses of Advil, and maybe even a little prescribed pain medicine left over from a trip to the ER a couple of years ago, since Sunday morning. And to top it off, I’m walking around like a cowboy who just got off a 24 hour road trip on the back of a horse.

It’s not pretty!

I’m kicking myself right now for being so stubborn and trying to prove that I can be independent and do the chores on my own that were definitely intended for a man.

But it gets even better…I was a mess this morning while shoveling snow from my driveway.

Why did I do it if my back hurt, you might ask?

Because I had no other choice!

I tried to get out of my garage without shoveling, but the snow had drifted and I couldn’t. I laid in bed listening to my neighbor plow his driveway while sending desperate pleas his way, through mental telepathy, hoping that he would plow my drive way too.

It didn’t work.

I’m sure if I would have asked he would have helped me out, but I couldn’t do it…because I don’t know how to ask for or accept help when it is offered to me!

You see, ever since my divorce, independence is one thing that I swore I would never let go of. From day one, I was determined to not be one of those women that couldn’t survive unless I had a man in my life. I taught myself how to start a lawn mower, change a tire, and even chop down a tree (with a chainsaw of course). I was determined to never ever be put in a situation that I couldn’t handle. And here it is almost five and a half years of independence later and I finally found the one thing that I cannot accomplish on my own…flipping a freaking mattress!

I HATE asking for help!

I guess my brothers now have something to look forward to when they come for Christmas this year. I’m still a strong independent woman if my brothers help me flip my mattress, right?

Oh yeah…Mark & Alec, I will also need you to help me fix my computer, change the showerhead on my shower, and show me how to put air in the tires of my car while you are here…

This is just me being independent!

Emotional Unavailability

I’ve been there…many times! In fact, I can remember way back when I was dating Mr. Buckeye, I swore I wasn’t this person. I swore I was emotionally available. He called me on it, I thought he was crazy. But after years of continuing therapy, I realized I was emotionally unavailable. I was, at the time, still hung up on my Ex husband. But I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. All I could see was the trees.

I don’t know what it is about me now, but for some reason I am a man magnet of sorts, but only of the emotionally unavailable kind.

I am the kind of girl that always seems to attract these kinds of men. I think maybe it’s because I’m a caretaker and nurturer by nature. You see, I have a tendency to think I can fix everything and everyone. Unfortunately for me, this characteristic tends to bite me in the butt more often than not. Often times with the emotionally unavailable man I tend to become the counselor in the relationship. They end up getting free therapy, get through their issues and move on. Me, on the other hand, I get left in the wind with a “WTF just happened” look on my face wondering where it all went wrong.

My definition of the Emotionally Unavailable Man (or woman, for that matter)is somebody who has some or all of the following qualities:

• Is good looking, self-confident, funny, successful, and quite possibly makes your heart skip a few beats.
• Is either married, in a relationship, or not quite over a past relationship.
• Is very reliant on text messages as your main form of communication
• Is in control of the time you spend together, you never seem to know when you will see him
• Lives with his ex
• Always has excuses for why you two can’t see each other (even though they are probably legitimate excuses, they are still excuses.)
• Makes you feel empty after you sleep with him (this feeling may come days later)
• Has a very strict routine that he just can’t/won’t deviate from
• Determines the momentum of the relationship
• Only sees you when it is convenient for him
• At times disappears for days…usually long enough for you to get over him and then he suddenly reappears again
• Is quick out of the gate to pursue you and get your attention and then often backs off
• Seems to always have a ton of stuff going on that he has to deal with.

I always say there are no bad relationships as long as you have learned something about yourself through the process. What I have learned about emotionally unavailable men this past year, because I’ve dated a couple, is that they were emotionally unavailable before they met me, while they were dating me, and more than likely after we are no longer an item. I’ve learned the hard way that more than likely, these emotionally unavailable men aren’t going to be able to morph into a healthy, loving, available good relationship with me or the next woman no matter how hard they try or how much we want them too.

My mistake with these types of men, is knowing early on that they are emotionally unavailable, but seeing that there is potentially a guy, deep down inside, that I have always wanted. So I start investing in the fantasy of who he will be if I just take it slow, be understanding of his situations, and show a little patience.

NO MORE! Oh no, 2011 is going to be the year of the new me. No more accepting bullshit! No more second guessing myself. If my gut tells me one thing, I'm going with it. I’ve learned so much this year about myself and the people I allow into my life. And I promise, I won't let these lessons go to waste!

Quick, someone give me a pop quiz so that I can show you what I have learned!

Relationships anonymous

Hi my name is Julie and I have high expectations of men.

A good friend sent me an email last week and suggested this topic as a post. Her email started off by saying, “don’t take this personally, because I AM NOT talking about you, but…”

So how could I not think she was talking about me?

I know she was talking about me and I am not offended by it one bit whatsoever! She thinks that sometimes our (and by “our”, I know she means me, but generalizing myself with the entire population makes me feel like less of a tool) expectations of the opposite sex may be so unrealistic that we are probably letting potentially good matches slip through our finger tips.

I know she is right.

I know I have high expectations of men.

But I can’t help it!

Last week alone I let one potentially good guy slip off the radar because I just didn’t feel things between the two of us and quite frankly, I didn’t really have the energy to nurture a new friendship and get to know him on a deeper level either.

I know this is mean, but it’s the truth.

I feel bad, because he seemed like a perfectly good guy. He seemed normal. He had a good job, was a hard worker, was always interested in hearing about me and my kids, and reminded me not to give up on the good guys. I think he was talking about himself when he said that to me, but he just happened to catch me at a bad time, a time of transition. A time in between trying to figure out what happened with one guy who I really liked and the thought of moving on to the next.

I hate the in between!

But If I had to venture an even better guess as to why my expectations of men are so high, I would say it’s because I have a list. I have a list of qualities that my ideal mate would posses. And out of those ideal qualities, I have five that I consider deal breakers:

1. Accept my kids and I as a total package…no ifs, ands or butts about it
2. Be a hard worker…he doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to work hard
3. Values family and family time
4. Holds honesty and integrity at the highest level
5. Is at least 6 feet tall (I know this is shallow…but it is what it is, I’m not looking to be the next Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes)

That’s it.

Everything else in my book is negotiable!

I don’t think that these deal breakers are unrealistic in any way. I don’t think I am asking for too much.

But my problem is this…once I feel like one of these deal breakers is broken, I tend to move on mentally, and when I move on mentally, more often than not, it's over. I never give the guy a chance to explain himself, and I hate that about me. No one is perfect, most of all me, yet I struggle to show grace when I feel betrayed in some way.

And I hate that quality in me even more.

But not anymore!

This is me, turning over a new leaf!

Most of you that know me know that I am all about second chances. But the new me, you know the one turning over a new leaf, is all about third chances too.

In fact, I may be all about fourth and fifth chances if you catch me on a good day.