Monday, October 5, 2009

Me again

I am
A good catch, a supportive mom, easily amused, not a morning person, missing my best girlfriends, prone to bouts of self doubt, a helpless romantic, a starter, a yes girl, a sucker for boys that I know will break my heart, constantly having to remind myself that I am the rule and not the exception when it comes to my dating life

I want
Someone to love me for me, someone else to do my laundry and clean my house, an acceptable excuse to sleep in, to be able to eat whatever I want without gaining a pound or destroying my health, to be happy again, a new house, my kids to understand how difficult it is to be a parent

I have
Many flaws, a huge crush on Ryan Reynolds, a problem picking quality men, a few secrets, the ability to make people laugh, something that gives married men the sense that I enjoy being hit on by them, an unhealthy obsession with the Young and the Restless, an awesome family, the uncanny ability to attract the weirdest men

I wish
My hair took little effort to look good, Ryan Reynolds would stop calling me, I had more self confidence, I wasn't always considered the "funny" girl in my group of friends...just once I want to be the pretty girl, I had somebody that loved me, I had more time to spend with my kids, I knew what God's plan is for me, I could bounce right out of bed when my alarm goes off at 5am, there were more hours in the day, I saw my relatives more, my mom was still alive, my dad would find someone else to love

I hate
Judgmental people, people that think their opinion is fact, that I don't have a filter that edits what goes from my brain to my mouth, the direction my life is going, getting up at 5am to workout, soap in my eyes, putting away laundry, that I don't appreciate my dad more, that I have to forget about the guy who forgot about me

I fear
For the future of this country, swimming when I can't see the bottom, being boring, growing old lonely, leaving my kids with an inaccurate picture of who I really am, spiders and snakes, what the future may hold for my kids, that the housing market will never bounce back

I hear
The sound of silence...ahhh, it's a beautiful thing!

I search
For my old self daily, for everything...and I mean everything, my heart for direction...maybe that is my problem, for my keys every morning, my past for clues about my future, every inch of my dryer for those damn socks, constantly for ways to improve myself

I wonder
What it would be like to truly be in love, where I will be in five years, where my kids will be in five years, what Sarah Jessica Parker's closet looks like, why I didn't get the "green thumb" gene from my mom, when Jay Leno will realize that he is funnier when he doesn't read from the cue cards, if dating is good therapy, if I will ever have the ability to rewind my life to happier times

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