Word of the Day

I made up a word this weekend.

Closure-ish: (n) A part of closure; to make oneself believe that one has received finality in a relationship in order to desperately pack away thoughts in the back of one’s mind, never to be seen again…until the next time the phone rings.

Yep…that’s a pretty accurate definition, don’t you think?

Don’t think I just came up with this word out of the blue. Oh no, there is a story behind it.

As most of you know, I got my heart broken in February by Mr. Jackhole. It’s the story of my life! For those of you that don’t know, I allowed myself to become vulnerable and let my walls down for the first time in six years with Mr. Jackhole. He swore he wouldn’t eff up the relationship, but he did.

I wasn’t surprised.

Anyway, the past 4 months he has been sending me random text messages to “check up on me”. Until a couple of weeks ago, I would just give him very brief curt responses to his messages. Then one day a couple of weeks ago, we began carrying on actual conversations via text. I figured, why not…what could it hurt to be nice to the guy?

I’m not one that holds grudges for any length of time.

Long story short, he came to town this past weekend.

We met for drinks.

He brought his “A Game”.

Damn you Mr. Jackhole…I love you’re “A Game”!

He was sweet, funny, talkative and most important, apologetic. He apologized for everything. We talked, laughed and drank the night away. I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to forget the past and how much he hurt me and just let things go back to the way they used to be between us.

Because I will admit, things were great between us.

Every time he made me remember how good things were between us, I put my mind in reverse and reminded myself how much he hurt me in the end. When we kissed, I had to force myself to remember how he effed things up between us. And each time he made me laugh, I immediately replaced the laughter with the recollection of the painful end to our relationship.

It was this that enabled me to remind him that he effed things up between us and that I didn't know if I could trust him again.

Closure-ish…I’m good until the next time I see him or he texts me…

A girl can only be so strong for so long!

Drama

So far turning 40 has been awesome!

Tonight is my official last birthday celebration and then life gets back to normal as I know it. And by “normal” I mean, working, hanging with my friends and family, carting my kids to and from their various activities, sitting in the bleachers on the weekends, and dating…all of which I do a pretty good job at…

…well, except for dating…sometimes, I question my ability to do this well.

When I dated in my teens and early twenties, it was full of drama. You know the kind of drama that makes you cringe as a 40 year old woman. Things like, sleeping with upperclassmen to become “popular”, stealing boyfriends/girlfriends from your friends, starting rumors about each other, those kinds of things.

Yeah, kind of makes your stomach churn at the memory, doesn’t it?

Well, what I’m realizing now is that even as an adult this kind of stuff still goes on. It’s crazy, but it does. You would think we all would have matured by now, but for the most part, adults still play high school games with each other. But NOT me! When I get the first whisper of high school games, I back off quick…like in a sprint!

I just can’t catch a break though.

All I am looking for is a nice, good looking, quality guy who wants to take dating seriously. I’m not interested in someone who can only date me once a month because his schedule is so busy, nor am I looking for someone who is so married to his career that he has no time for dating. I’m not looking for pen pals and text buddies. I’m also not looking to be someone’s warm body until their ex-wife decides she wants him back.

Nope…not interested in any of that crap!

But for some reason that’s the kind of man that I attract.

I recently got a couple of text messages from Mr. Perfect for Me, whom I have not talked to in weeks. I could tell he was pissed and that apparently I had done something to piss him off, but I had no clue what it was, until I talked to my friend who fixed us up. Apparently his ex-wife (whom he left me for) had apparently gotten some kind of email from me bashing her.

Of course, those of you that know me, know this is not my style. I take defeat gracefully. When a guy doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I move on. I don’t fight for him…ever! I want a guy that will fight for me, not one that I have to beg to be a part of my life. But, against my better judgment, I still spent the better part of yesterday fighting for my dignity and pride with Mr. Perfect for Me. I tried to convince him that the email wasn’t from me. He believed me, then he didn’t believe me, then he did, then he didn’t.

And then I realized I didn’t care anymore.

He and his ex-wife have always thrived on the drama in their lives, and this was just another drama induced episode for them. In fact my friend and I are convinced that his ex-wife is making this whole thing up as a test for him. Yeah, they are that crazy!

I am not a vindictive person. When I’m not wanted I move on…that’s it! So I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, deleted his contact information from my phone, deleted all of his pictures from my phone and computer, and threw away all of the things that he had ever given me during our relationship.

I’m not gonna lie, that process felt good.

It’s almost like he never existed!

And that makes me happy!

Taking a break

Sorry blogistas! I hate to do this to you, but it has to be done. I'm going crazy and I need to reprioritize for a brief period of time.

For years I have focused on everyone and everything but me, and the tides have suddenly turned.

My goal for my blogging break is threefold:
1. Make my personal life/family life a priority
2. Figure out what I want to do with my life (ie: go back to school)
3. Focus on my book

That's it!

As usual, it's all about me

Rest assured, I will be back!

...until we meet again!

The kissing bandit

This weekend I was reminded of a story that I cannot believe I haven’t shared with you guys. It’s one of intrigue, humor, and a few sloppy kisses. One that I am kind of embarrassed to tell you about, but one that is definitely worth sharing…

Setting, New York City, NY. The year is 2007. I had officially been divorced a little over two years. At the time I was dating Mr. Buckeye, but we were on the verge of parting ways. Nine of my closest gal pals and I headed to the Big Apple to celebrate half of our group turning 40. The other half, were still young bucks and barely out of our mid thirties, but I won’t boast!

We rented a two story town home whose showers were disgusting, stairs creeked, and had furntire that hadn’t been cleaned in years. But we didn’t care…we were there to celebrate and have fun. We went with the notion that what happens in NYC, stays in NYC. Keep in mind eight of us were married, one was pregnant and only two of us were single. We didn’t get to wild and crazy!

All in all we were well behaved. Nothing happened outside of some harmless flirting, obnoxious giggling, and a few crazy nights out on the town. Our weekend consisted of a Broadway show, some fine dining, shopping, Times Square, bra fittings, and some definite celebrity stalking. Unfortunately the only celebrity we saw was Brian Glazer. I know, I know, you’re probably asking “who the heck is he”? I for the life of me don’t know why I knew who he was, because at that time the only credit to his name was producing “Friday Night Lights.” Which I love. Now, a few years later, he has produced movies such as Robin Hood and TV series as Parenthood and 24. But No one knew who he was then…so I guess you could say that we really didn’t see any celebrities. A few weeks later, however, my friend Jane ended up going back for a weekend in NYC with her husband and ran into my lover, Ryan Reynolds…lucky bitch.

Anywho…one night out in the city we went to a nice dinner, a club, and ended up at a little pub to close down the evening. All in all I felt kind of old, but I didn’t give a crap because I was just there to have fun!

By the time we got to the little pub, we had had some cocktails under our belts and were having a blast. We were being hit on left and right by the young boys. I’m not gonna lie, it was fun, harmless, but fun! I seem to remember some dancing on the tables, and a little cat fight between sisters, but that was the boring part of the evening…for me, anyway.

I decided to separate myself from the group and go meet some of the other gentlemen suitors in the bar. My girlfriends were all married or in committed relationships. I was the only one who was actually on the verge of ending a relationship at home. I didn’t want to waste one opportunity, so I came up with a strategy. My strategy for the evening was to meet as many men as possible. Surely there would be one guy in the bar that was worth my time…hmmm…

So I grabbed my camera and off I went. The first guy I met was nice, but not my type…I snapped a picture with him to remember the moment and moved on. The second guy…not even a vague memory of him. It wasn’t until I got to the third guy that I had the brilliant idea of getting to know the other gentlemen at the bar by kissing them and then snapping their picture with me. I know it probably sounds gross to you guys, but it was by far the most fun I had had in a long time!

I have pictures galore of that evening and laugh every time I see them. I felt invigorated, free and for once, like the cool girl at the party.

I try not to think beyond that moment of the evening, because it just makes me want to go take a shower.

He's a winner in my book

Before we get started with today's funny, whippy, sarcastic comentary, I thought I would let you know that I am guest posting here today. Come on over to Southern MOMentum and check it out...I love these girls!

Now onto the business at hand...

I have to admit, I didn't watch the Bachelorette last night, shocker! My friend kept me posted via text. I couldn't do it. You know how hard it has been for me to watch this season. I just don't think I could have stomached 2 hours of Ali giggling, twirling and pouting...and then another 1 hour of After the Rose...seriously ABC...enough already!. I think it's funny that we live in such an instant gratification society that we cannot wait one week for the After the Rose show. It has to be done immediately after the Final Rose. And by immediately after, I mean...no commercials in between the two. It's crazy.

Anywho...I did watch After the Rose and will have to say I was completely shocked by the outcome. I had decided that Ali wasn't going to choose either of the hot boys but ask to continue to date them both to see where things ended up. She is just that selfish, I could have seen it happening. You see, I am a firm believer that if Frank didn't walk out on her she would have ended up with him. But that's just my two cents. I do have to give a kudos to ABC for editing things in the previews to look like Ali didn't choose anyone. Bravo ABC...bravo!

Now onto the juice...Cape Cod Chris! Hello Ali...this boy is HOT and has so much more substance than Roberto. Don't get me wrong, I like Roberto and am glad that he and Ali ended up together. I believe Chris deserves someone better than Ali. And by someone better, I mean ME!

Here's the deal Chris (because we all know Chris reads my blog)...You are not only HOT, but you are about the sweetest man ever. I am a big believer that how a man treats his mom is a good indication of how a man will treat his wife. On that aspect alone I am sold on you. But if I were being honest with you I would have to say that the first time I fell in love with you was even before the season started. You see, I'm a stalker of sorts and I wanted to do my research on the Bachelors before the season even started. I was on the ABC site checking out all of the promo photos and was immediately drawn to yours. Seriously, anyone who could pull off looking good in an orange T-shirt with the periodic table on it is a winner in my book. It shows that you are not afraid to be a little geeky, and I like a little geeky.

So here is my plan Chris. You go out and date...because I think you are ready! Have fun, enjoy being single for a while. You deserve it! You have had a couple of stressful years personally and you need to enjoy yourself a little. Have your rebound dates, I beg you!

But...and this is a big but...On Saturday, March 12, 2011 you are invited to my 40th Birthday Party. It will be a Bachelorette Party of sorts. You see, I'm encouraging my girlfriends to throw me a party where the only gifts people bring are eligible Bachelors. There will be a rose ceremony at the end and I can promise you if you show up...you WILL be the last man standing...no questions asked! I will not break your heart, I will not take you for granted and we can remember our moms together every time a rainbow appears.

I know...Iknow...you're probably thinking I'm too good to be true and wondering how it is that I am still single. It's a question I get all of the time. I like to attribute it to the losers that tend to be attracted to me. But rest assured, I got my loser radar fixed and only allow upstanding, emotionally available men into my life now...and you fit the bill 100%.

No need to RSVP to the party...just show up in the periodic table T-shirt and I'm all yours...I'm just saying.

Accept bullshit...receive bullshit

It’s me…I’m back!

I’m still swamped at work.

I’m still frustrated with my personal life.

It’s still hot here in the Midwest.

But, I’m back…and I have a lot to say!

The past month has just been crazy busy for me as I’m sure it has for many of you. My problem is that I have never had a whole month like this, especially in the summer when things are supposed to be a little more laid back and relaxed. Thankfully, my kids were on vacation with their dad last week and it allowed me some time to catch a breath and focus on the important things in my life…my friends!

Yeah for true friends!

Even though I have been super swamped the lessons I have learned, in the hecticness that has become my life, did not go unnoticed.

Lessons like:

• When you are in need of friends, your true friends step up to the plate no matter how busy their lives are.

• If you think you are busy, nine times out of ten your friends are busier.

• I DO NOT, let me repeat, DO NOT have a lot of patience for chaos

But, by far, the most important lesson I learned during this stressful season in my life is this…

• It is me that teaches people how to treat me. If I accept bull shit, I will only receive bull shit.

I know, I know…it’s a simple thought, but one I often forget.

You see, my problem is that I am stuck in my life long pattern of taking way too much from others. So much so that I take it until I can’t take it anymore and then just end up getting so frustrated and walk away completely. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the only way that I seem to be able to function in these dysfunctional relationships that I get myself into.

As you have read in my past posts, I consider myself to be a caregiver of sorts. I tend to latch onto those that may not have the perfect lives. I tend to want to jump in and be the rescurer, the nurturer, the shoulder to cry on, the one that helps them get through the tough times. Yet I am always shocked when they hang me out on my own once they have gotten back on the straight and narrow.

It’s like clockwork. It happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!

And it happened again this weekend. I got hung out to dry by someone whom I thought was becoming a great friend. But what I realized is that our friendship was very one sided. He used me to get through the last few months of his very rough divorce and then threw me out when he was done with me. And quite frankly, that pisses me off. In fact, I can remember the exact moment at dinner on Saturday night that I knew I was done and had completely checked out. It was when he actually called me “coach” when discussing the finality of his divorce. I realized at that moment that I would probably never ever hear from him again.

And here it is Monday…and not a peep! And I’m ok with that. Because I am done accepting bull shit as a standard in my life!

I'm not crazy, I'm colorful

Some of you that read my blog know that I am a hard core rocker girl! I love music. I love it loud and I love it fast. Creed, Kiss, James Blunt and Pearl Jam (thanks Jules) are just a few of my current favorites. I listen to these CD’s over and over again in my car at very loud obnoxious volumes. I’m sure that the people that pull up next to me at lights are thinking the same things that I think of teenagers who pull up next to me with their rap music blaring…”seriously, is that necessary?”

But I don’t care. I really don’t.

This hard core music affects me like no other music I have ever known. If I’m sad or had a bad day at work, jamming it out is always an instant cure. There is no better form of therapy than letting the music take over my emotions. It’s the beat, the guitar solos, the rhythm…it all helps heal me of whatever it is I may be going through.

Monday was a perfect example of how music can heal the soul.

I had a rough day. I woke up grumpy. I had issues in both my personal life and work life. I was clearly in a funk to anyone who saw me or talked to me. I left the office a little early in hopes that a longer louder drive home could get me out of my funk. I got into the car and turned the volume up before I even turned the car on. That, my friends was a big mistake, huge!

To top off my bad day, the CD player was stuck. And you will never guess what it was stuck on. Nope, not Kiss, Creed, Pearl Jam or James Blunt. Nope, I couldn’t be that lucky. It was stuck on the “Squeakquel, by the Chipmunks”. Yep…I was jamming to Single Ladies by the Chipettes before I even pulled out of the parking space. And the worst part, my CD Player wouldn’t do anything. I couldn’t change the CD, I couldn’t eject it, and I couldn’t switch it off. Nope, I was stuck listening to the entire Squeakquel Album. Turns out I had a short in my stereo and the guys at the auto dealership love me and fixed it quick, thank God.

But it made me realize that for me, music is kind of like a drug. I’m addicted to it…or so I thought.

Recently, my non-boyfriend, boyfriend has opened my eyes to another part of “music”. Did you know that there are lyrics involved in music? I had no idea. Seriously, I know you think I’m being sarcastic here but I’m not. I totally listen to the “music” part of music. I never ever pay attention to the lyrics. I may know the lyrics by heart and sing them at the top of my lungs, but more often than not, I have no idea what they are saying because I mostly focus on the “music”.

We were in the car the other day and he played a John Mayer song. As soon as it started, I scowled and said “I hate this song”. But what I realize now is that I actually like the song…the lyrics were amazing…I just didn’t like the “music.” So, I did what any normal person would do, I logged onto Pandora.com and downloaded a bunch of “radio stations” of bands that I “don’t like” to actually give these musicians a try.

And do you know what I found? I actually like the likes of The Fray, Train, Coldplay, Matchbox 20, Five for Fighting, The Goo Goo Dolls (hello, “Let Love in”…LOVE IT!), Jack Johnson, John McGlaughlin, Jason Mraz, Counting Crows, Carolina Liar and even John Mayer. Yes you heard me right…I’m jumping on the John Mayer bandwagon. He may still be a tool, but he sure is talented! I get it Jennifer Aniston, I now get what you saw in him…my apologizes. . It’s amazing! I never realized how talented these guys are…

So please, if any of the musicians listed above are reading this, I owe you a huge apology! No more bad talking from me…total support from here on out from the He Who Laughs Last household.

And to those of you like me out there, whether it be just the lyrics you listen to or just the music, I beg you to hear both.

It will change your life!

Project Love: Day #28

Ready for Love

Well, here we are, at the end of another month. I want to pat myself on the back for posting every single day in the month of February (note to self: never ever again, the pressure!) It was a struggle, but I learned so much about myself during Project Love month. I think I may do this every year during the month of February. It was a very exhilarating educational experience for me. I learned so much about myself. So much so that I think I have cleared my head and may be ready to move on in search of that lucky bastard to spend the rest of my life with.

In fact, today is sort of an anniversary of mine. It was five years ago today, that I actually made myself get out of bed for the first time in almost a month, put on make-up and venture out in public. It was this day, five years ago that I decided I wasn’t going to let my ex get the best of me. It was this day, five years ago, that I woke up, smelled the coffee, and was determined to find who I had lost!

And by golly, I think I’m almost there. In fact, I think I am kind of thankful for my divorce? Thankful because I don’t know if I would have ever realized how lost I was if I were still married.

So, I say Cheers! Cheers to never looking back. Cheers to the future. And because I don’t like to waste time…here it is ladies, (and by ladies I mean all my friends who I am now commissioning to go off into the world in search of a perfect man for me), my list! Yep…in it’s entirety, I offer you the perfect man list. I refuse to settle anymore!

Short men need not apply! Ego-maniacs need not apply! Men who are lost and can’t figure out what they want out of life need not apply! Oh, who am I kidding, my “need not apply” list could go on forever. And let’s be honest, no one likes a Debbie Downer when it comes to blog posting. So on a more upbeat note, I offer you my list of “must haves”…no questions asked!

1. Hold the door open for me, not because I am a woman but because it is the polite thing to do. Then if you really want to impress me, hold the door open for everyone else…*SWOON*

2. In my book, no means no! When I say I don’t want a foot massage, I really mean I don’t want a foot massage.

3. If you can’t look me in the eyes then I can’t take you seriously.

4. If I can’t sit on your furniture in my jeans then we may not be a good match. I spend a lot of money on my jeans and sometimes I want to sit in them…I know, crazy concept.

5. On the jeans note, properly fitted ones, on a man spell B-O-N-U-S in my book.

6. I do not believe in love at first site nor do I believe in one true love anymore.

7. I want someone who doesn’t want to change me. But encourages me to do so at times.

8. I like PDA when I’m one of the two involved.

9. I like it when you respond to my text messages and emails in a timely manner.

10. Tattoos are fine, tattoos with your ex-girlfriend’s name, not so good!

11. Loves me for me, no judging allowed.

12. Good relationship with his family and friends.

13. Loves himself, but is not “in love” with himself.

14. Makes me laugh.

15. Loves sarcasm, must be able to dish it and take it.

16. Is humble and not afraid to be a dork.

17. Loves movies and reality TV.

18. Checks my attitude when it needs to be (in a loving and kind way).

19. Is not afraid to share himself completely.

20. Smiles and laughs with his heart and soul.

That’s it people…the list isn’t that long and should be easy to find…so put on your glasses, locate your “Man Finding” GPS, and get hopping. After all, I’m going to be forty…some day!

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #9

Love Affair

Romantic movies are popular for their happy endings. However, what people often don’t get is that these movies are only meant to entertain. Unfortunately, romantic comedies often give us unrealistic expectations about real-life relationships. Everyone likes to leave the movie theater with a happy feeling, the feeling that the guy got the girl and that they found something really special. The problem with this perception is that it often becomes the reality that people base their own romantic lives on.

I have to admit, when I see things like this
or this

I tend to put myself in the position of the female lead in the movie. In reality, I understand that things like this don’t normally happen, but in the basis of my head, which we all know controls my life to the full, I just don’t get it. I tend to still day dream about how I could be the lovely underdog being sought out by an unknowingly beautiful man.

And when I start to daydream, I create images like thisin my mind…you see, there I go again, Me and my Ryan Reynolds happily portraying the roles of Richard Gere and Debra Winger! It could happen, right? (thanks to my good buddy, Lynn, over here, for hooking me up with this fabulous picture)…Maybe it’s images like these that are what screw up the reality that has become my “lack of love” love life.

I mean, if you really think about it, most romantic comedies depict couples falling instantly in love and promote the idea of fate. There is also this underlying theme that the couples in these movies immediately understand one another. And it’s these ideas that set us up for disappointment or give us permission to create unrealistic expectations in our real life relationships. Unfortunately, it’s these types of movies that often allow us to forget about the big picture…no one ever farts in romantic comedies! Am I right people? Think about it!

What has happened is that we treat these on screen relationships as absolutes! When we see Ryan Reynolds wake up happy and cuddling with Sandra Bullock in the morning, we tend to think this is the normal for every morning. And the fact that Prince Charming would go from girl to girl to girl to find his princess is just unrealistic, yet we allow those fantasies to take over our real life relationships. We are in a sense being fed a picture of how men should act.

The idea has become that people will do absolutely anything for love. We are fed this pretty picture of how men are “supposed to act”. For example, in the movies, if a man finally realizes that he is in love with his female best friend he will make some grand gesture to prove his love for her. He will pull out all the stops, flowers, candles, jewelry, great food, mood music, cross country flights. Real men? Not so much! Men can be romantic, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not practical for them to fly across the country to tell his best friend that he loves her.

And if that isn’t enough, the “simple equation” that has become romantic comedies, is enough to make any woman go bonkers.

Picture this…they meet, they fall in love, an obstacle arises, they break up, one of the two realizes what an idiot he has been and makes the grand gesture, all is forgiven, they fall back in love and live happily ever after. THE END.

It’s often this simplification that throws real life relationships for a loop. What romantic comedies fail to communicate is that there is never just one obstacle. Real relationships are usually working through one obstacle after another…things are never good forever.

But this is the trap people (usually women) fall into. Movies constantly give us this idea that if we aren’t happy then it’s not meant to be or if we fight, then the relationship is doomed. Real people, like you and me, are starting to buy into this. And it’s when we buy into it that we become overwhelmed in our relationships which often lead to disapoinment.

It’s not to say that all of this isn’t entertaining, but real life couples need to take a step back and learn to communicate. They need to realize that hard times are normal and that true love emerges when you persevere through the tough times. Real relationships require time and energy, something that Hollywood often doesn’t promote. But until women (and men) stop expecting their fantasy, and start living in reality, we are going to continue this viscious cycle of creating unrealistic relationship expectations.

And by we, I mean me!

Love is a Battlefield

Whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Yesterday’s post has really made me think about my long road to recovery. January 7th will be the fifth year anniversary of my ex-husband asking for a divorce…out of the blue. And in the midst of asking for a divorce these words came out of his mouth…verbatim, “I don’t love you, I am not attracted to you, I have never been attracted to you.” Talk about a knife to the heart! Those are statements that I will NEVER ever forget! It didn’t take long for them to send me into a tailspin of low self esteem, and I have struggled to recover from those harsh words ever since. But after five long years of therapy, both professional and with friends, I have realized that I am loveable! I am beautiful! And though I never would have believed it five years ago, I am a better person today because of those statements. They forced me to delve deep within and begin the process of loving myself, because how can I expect to love someone if I don’t love myself first, right? Those statements alone gave me the opportunity to step back, let go and regroup.

In this long recovery process, I have learned many things. First, and foremost, I am reminded that it is ok to focus on me, every once in a while. And it is this focus that has allowed me to grieve the loss of what I thought was the perfect family. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t given myself the proper amount of time to focus on me and grieve properly I would not be as far along in my recovery as I am today.

During this struggle to learn how to love me I was also able to re-acquaint myself with my friends and lean on them for support. Some days it took a lot for me to get out of the house and spend times with them, but I did it anyway. Most of the time I had to force myself to get together with the girls but in the end I was always glad I did. I often found that the quality time with my friends went a long way towards healing my spirit. But mostly, the time with my friends helped me take the focus off of my ex and place more of an emphasis on building and strengthening the friendships of these women I love and who love me.

I also took this time to focus on my health. Most days, in the beginning, I didn’t want to eat but I forced myself to anyway. And then I soon realized that I felt better if I hit the gym and worked out. This, not only got me out of the house, but it also forced me to remember that the best way to get over someone was NOT to get under someone new. I quickly realized that if my head wasn’t in the right place the loneliness would kick in and my focus then became replacing someone that hurt me instead of focusing on becoming healthier both mentally and physically, and finding someone that loved me.

What I struggled with the most was the rebuilding of my confidence and self esteem. I knew that the sooner I focused on rebuilding these the better I would feel. And in order for me to do this, I needed to figure out what really went wrong in my relationship so I focused on learning a lesson from this hurt and pain. I learned that I didn’t NEED someone in my life to make me happy. I learned to live my life without him. And what I figured is that I am living a happier live now than I ever thought I would. I am actually liking who I have become.

It’s funny as I look back…if you would have told me five years ago that I wasn’t happy, that I needed to focus more on me, that I needed to strengthen my friendships, that I needed to be healthier both mentally and physically or that I needed to have more self esteem and self confidence, I would have laughed at you! I thought I had all of that…I WAS WRONG!

But this I do know…because I have focused on healing and rebuilding I know that there is someone out there that will love me in the way I want…I just have to find him. And I will never find him if I am wallowing in self doubt. I’m so glad I picked myself up by my bra straps and realized that there was so much more to live for. And even though no one likes to go through a break up, it is what I needed and has taught me many valuable lessons that I hope will help guide my future relationships.

Wait…what…huh? I think I just had a light bulb moment…Maybe it was all of this healing and rebuilding of Julie that is opening the eyes of these men from my past. Whatever the reason, I have to admit…all this attention feels good!

You Rock, and I don’t mean R.O.C.K…I mean R.A.W.K

News Flash: The cougar is out and the puma is in! This, my friends, sucks for me because a puma is a woman in her late 20’s early 30’s who is looking for a younger guy. Apparently, the appeal is that she has the experience of a cougar, but is still within the age range of the men she is in to. Unfortunately for me
…and these lovely ladies from Saturday Night Live, we are washed up, old and have no business dating cougar cubs. Yep, this means pedi eggs, bump its, fake nails, and push up bras are no longer doing it for us. Hell, we may as well pack it up, put on our bath robes and hit the hay early on Saturday nights.

Now, you may be asking yourself, why is Julie bringing this subject up now? Well…I bring it up because I was reminded of my first cougar cub experience this weekend as I was cleaning out my car and came across a CD that said cougar cub had made for me.

My cougar cub, or Rock Star, as I’ll call him, is HOT! Tall and built with a rock hard body. He has hair to die for and his arms are FABULOUS! They were definitely the first thing I noticed about him when we reconnected. You see, I have known Rock Star for years…and for years I mean, since he was in junior high and I was about twenty. He is actually the son of a good friend of my ex-husbands. I hadn’t seen Rock Star since his High School graduation and never though about him again…until this time last year.

It was a rare girls night out with my married girlfriends. We were at a local bar listening to 80’s rock (my favorite genre, by the way) and hanging out with some cute guys when I felt a pair of eyes on me. When I turned around…there stood Rock Star staring at me. He quickly turned away when he saw that I was looking at him. He was standing there with a tall beautiful blonde girl who I was totally oblivious to all night. Rock Star and I kept playing the game of “look away” when any kind of eye contact was made between the two of us. Eventually I got up enough nerve, or liquid courage as I like to call it, to walk over and say Hi. Can I just say that I was totally taken aback by how much he had changed since his scrawny junior high days…He was all man! And his voice was so deep. We had a brief conversation, of which I remember nothing because I was so mesmerized by his hotness. When I returned to my group of friends I was suddenly wishing I was ten years younger. I sat down at the table, my girlfriends giggled like little school girls and before I knew it Rock Star was headed out the door and out of my life for another 20 years.

But low and behold, before I left the bar that night my blackberry beeped with a message from Rock Star from Facebook. He had been gone only about an hour and he was already stalking me on the internet…I was stoked! We exchanged emails for the next week or so. In one of the emails Rock Star admitted to me that he looked forward to my messages…I just have two words for you…EGO BOOST! During the course of our email exchanges Rock Star made the comment that he would be spending Thanksgiving by himself. And I hated that idea! So I did what any single, available cougar would do, I invited him over to spend Thanksgiving with my family fully expecting him to come up with a lame excuse as to why he wouldn’t be joining me. But much to my surprise, he accepted my offer immediately!

When he showed up at my Aunt’s house I was so excited…like a kid on Christmas morning. He was BEAUTIFUL! He loved my family and my family loved him. In fact, I think my 90 year old grandma called him a “nice boy”. I thought that was funny. After dinner he didn’t want the day to end so we decided to go someplace for a cocktail. I don’t know what we were thinking…it was Thanksgiving Day…nothing was open. We were desperate to find someplace to hang out. The problem: I knew if we had gone back to my place, I would have never been able to control myself. So we ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot of a restaurant for a couple more hours. We listened to a CD he had made for me and made out like high school kids on prom night. Ahhhhhh….the memories! When we finally pulled ourselves away from each other he kept telling me over and over again that this was the best Thanksgiving ever for him. I was loving it. Did I tell you that he was HOT?

Anyway, we ended up going out a few more times (I will not share any of those details…) until I found out, via Facebook, that he was engaged. I knew it was too good to be true! We tried to continue a “friendship” but it was always more like him sneaking around to hang out with me and I didn’t like that. So we eventually grew out of our friendship too.

We see each other every once in a while when we are out. In fact, I saw him a few weeks ago as I was leaving a club and hew was coming in. I knew that night, when he told me his fiancé wasn’t with him and asked me to stay, that he would never be the kind of person I could ever spend my life with.

I know this situation turned out for the best and it took me a little while to come to grips with the fact that I deserve better than him. And for what it is worth…I know my first cougar experience has made me a better person. It’s a reminder that I am a single mom…I don’t date…I’ve been to the circus…I’ve seen the show… I need more! I deserve more! But most importantly, it has taught me to stop dwelling on what I think I am missing out on and to start focusing on what I have that others are missing out on.

There isn't a woman in the world who can resist the scent of a wounded man

I’m so over dating! I have spent countless hours checking off my lists of must haves and deal breakers that I didn’t realize how much the process of dating was bruising my ego. I will admit it, I cannot stand the breakdown of communication that comes with dating. The question of will he or won’t he call me after our first date…drives me bonkers! I hate the waiting, the wondering, the what-if of it all. And honestly, it hurts! Why didn’t he call me? Why doesn’t he like me? Is it the way I look? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? It shouldn’t be this way! I really don’t know these people. I have no vested interest in them, nor do they in me. But for some reason I really feel like I have lost myself through the whole dating process. I’ve become someone that I don’t know or like very well. I have never felt so alone.

So, I’m done with it all! If it happens, it happens. I need to get back to me and be comfortable with who I am and spending time with myself. I’m a great person and sometimes I forget that. But what I am the most upset about is the time I have vested in dating these losers, precious time that I could have spent on my friends or better yet, my kids. I deserve better, they deserve better…

Better than, the starving artist. You know this guy. He is in his mid to late 30’s and hasn’t gotten his big break yet but refuses to give up on that dream. He works day and night in hopes of getting that one little role that will snowball into bigger and better roles. The sad part is that his chances of getting that big break are probably close to zero percent. Unfortunately for him and his future girlfriend/fiancé/wife, this means he is headed into his 40’s with no 401K plan, no social security, and no emotional security…hmmm, sounds like a good catch, doesn’t he?

Then there is the mama’s boy. This guy is the guy whose mother refuses to let him grow up. You know this guy. He is the one who collects action figures and picked you up in the park after practicing his jedi moves. He comes to your house to pick you up for a date on his bike and he tries to sneak you past his mom at his place…you get the picture…I will spare you the rest of the details.

Or worse than these two guys is the Guys guy. This is the guy, who at 35, insists on hanging out with his buddies three or four times a week. This officially qualifies him as a man-child and it is my experience that guys like this have friends exactly like him. This means us girlfriends/fiancés/wives have to endure endless nights of sports, keg beer, burping and farting. Once a week…great, have your boys night, but if you are the guy that needs more than that, then I can only say sorry because I am not the girl who is willing to put up with that. I’m the girl who is competing with the 20 year old hot receptionist at your office and in order to compete with that I need my beauty sleep so that I can endure getting up at 5am to bust my ass at the gym so that you and I can have some time under the sheets in the evenings. You remember sex, right? It’s that thing we had before football season started…but I digress.

And last but not least…I know I harp on this guy all of the time, but the “I was athletic 20 years ago” guy is my least favorite of them all. I mean, come on…by the time you are in your 30’s you should recognize that you aren’t 21 anymore and start taking better care of yourself. Because I do! In fact, I spend more than enough time worrying about what you might think of my body. So loose the man boobs, cut your hair, get off the couch and hit the gym. Couch surfing is NOT cardio!

So now do you see why I’m done with losers? I’m done wasting my precious time on them. I am going to start focusing my time on me because I am a beautiful funny woman who leaves my shoes all over the house, who spends way to much money on clothes, who is often way to critical of myself, who loves sex and misses having it regularly, who is a good parent on good days and a bad parent on bad days, who sometimes watches to much TV, but loves every minute of it, who has started many books but has yet to finish one, who loves Christmas, but dreads this year because it will be the first one that I have to spend alone, who loves massages, but hates foot massages, who loves relaxing at the beach and doing nothing, who hates to wear dresses but loves to wear skirts, who has been known to switch moods at the drop of a hat, who loves to use the word f$%#, and who would give anyone the shirt off her back.

Bottom line, who wouldn’t want to spend more time with that girl? I like that girl I just described. She seems kind of cool and kind of like someone I would like to get to know more!

40 before 40

OK...I am officially out of my funk! Well, I wouldn't really say completely out of my funk, but enough to get back into the spirit of writing. Of course it helped that I found this list this weekend when I was tackling the much ignored task of cleaning out my closet and office. I wrote this list on April 1, 2005...3 months after my ex walked out the door never to return.

I think at the time my self worth was next to nothing and I felt like I needed to set some goals for my life so that I wouldn't get consumed in all of the negativity that was surrounding me. I was actually surprised at how many of the items I was able to check off. Of course there are a couple of items that I'm sure I won't ever be able to check off...but we won't discuss those. And true to my nature...I have included some side bar comments that came to mind as I was reading these for the first time in over four years.

1. Have another child...seriously, I don't ever remember having that thought until just recently

2. Get into the best shape of my life...on my way there, finally!

3. Swim with a dolphin...DONE

4. Ask out a crush...DONE

5. Wear a bathing suit in public and not feel self conscious...don't know that this will ever happen

6. Go kayaking

7. Open my heart to someone...recently did and it backfired in my face...that will never happen again

8. Help a stranger...DONE

9. Move into a new house

10. Go on a vacation to the beach, by myself...I so need this

11. Go skinny dipping...hmm...don't know what the thought process was behind this

12. Invest in the stock market

13. Read the Bible all the way through

14. Run a mini marathon...NEVER AGAIN!

15. Take a surf lesson...by far one of the most exciting experiences of my life

16. Purchase one piece of nice jewelry for myself

17. Buy and keep a plant alive...I can keep kids alive, I just struggle with plants

18. Take a photography lesson

19. Write an article for a magazine...in the process of doing this one now!

20. Learn a foreign language

21. Learn to golf...DONE

22. Write a book...started but will never be done before I am 40

23. Visit 25 of the 50 states

24. Meet someone famous...DONE

25. Fly a trapeze

26. Take my kids to see Kiss in concert...Hamilton has been once, but Gibson only got to go in utero

27. Get out of debt...DONE...YEAH!

28. Paint something (not a wall, but a picture)

29. Take my kids to Disney...DONE

30. Scan all of my photos that are pre-digital camera

31. Have two months living expenses in my savings account...DONE...YEAH!

32. Go on a multi day hike

33. Buy a piece of original art

34. Make a new friend...DONE, I love doing this!

35. Attend a Super Bowl

36. Go to a movie by myself...DONE

37. Go white water rafting

38. Take a ride in a hot air balloon

39. Spend the whole day in bed with someone I love

40. Master one really cool magic trick...DONE, and it is very cool...ask me one day to see it...you will be very impressed!