Monday, September 27, 2010

Life is 95% Anticipation

Anticipation: the feeling you feel when you feel you’re going to feel a feeling you’ve never felt before!

Uh huh…that’s right, it’s that good!

I love anticipation! You know the part when you have had just a taste of something, and can’t wait to go back for more…that’s the part I like. Unfortunately, I’m just not very good at the other part of anticipation, you know, the patience part. Nope, patience and I don’t get along…at all! Patience is like the evil step sister to my Cinderella, or the Tom Brady to my Peyton Manning.

I’m not good at it and I don’t enjoy it!

Have you ever been in a situation where you absolutely cannot wait for what is about to happen, you know you are so close to something so good, yet it is still so far away? Well, I’m there and it is absolutely killing me!

But in a good way!

The bad part about patience and anticipation for me is that I sometimes get so frustrated that I want to give up and stop waiting for the good things. I’m trying so desperately not to do that, because what I am waiting for is sooooooooooooo going to be worth it in the long run.

I just know it!

Now, if I could just get my brain to shut up…and stop sending me mixed signals, and start listening to my heart I will be ok…

Easier said than done!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


I have some crazy blog followers!

You guys want it all and you want it now! I'm not judging, in fact that’s why I love you…I’m all about instant gratification too!

I cannot believe the number of people who are dying to hear how things went with Hot Fireman last week? My inbox lit up on Friday morning with so many messages that said “well… did it go last night?”

Either you guys are all;
a) crazy
b) vicariously living through me
c) just nosey.

Either way…you make me feel like the cool kid at school after prom.

Cool kids meet me in the ladies room after homeroom for discussion, and the rest of you…just remember this blog is mostly about the losers I come across…so keeping that in mind, I can pretty much guarantee you that you will NOT, let me repeat NOT be hearing much about the Hot Fireman!

I know…I’m a little giddy about the whole situation and am trying not to jinx it. And that is all you are going to get out of me about him…sorry suckers!

I know…you’re ticked and suddenly feel like you just spent $12 on a movie that made you say “what the hell just happened” as the credits start rolling.

Sorry…but that’s how I roll.

With that out of my system, I do feel like I need to tell you about one of the guys that I had a date with last week but cancelled at the last minute because I wasn’t excited about it.

I will name him Mr. Stalker. Ok…he is not really a stalker, but he is showing some stalker tendencies. I don’t like it! Quite frankly, it kind of freaks me out and suddenly makes me happy that we didn’t exchange last names.

When I called Mr. Stalker last week to cancel our date, he was cool. He said he enjoyed our conversations and hoped that we could remain friends. I didn’t really respond with a yes or no. I’m not exactly sure what I said, but I believe it was along the lines of “it was great getting to know you…good luck in your search.” It’s a pretty standard line that I give…it seems pretty clear and usually keeps guys off my back (not that they are flocking to me…but you get my drift).

Well that particular line didn’t seem to work with Mr. Stalker. He has called me and text me every single day since our phone call last week. I have not responded once! At some point I would like to think he will get tired of trying and eventually give up. You know, kind of like a baby that doesn’t want to go to sleep.

But I’m not sure that he is going to do that anytime soon.

I got a call from him yesterday that kind of (read: definitely) freaked me out. I had just left work to head home to my son’s birthday party when my phone rang. I got a sinking feeling when I saw that it was The Stalker. I, of course, let it go to voice mail. I contemplated deleting it before listening to it, but something inside me made me listen to the message. It freaked me out when I heard, “hey…just driving down ***** Street and thought I saw you pulling out onto the street. It’s 5pm so maybe you work in the area and are leaving for the night. Just thought I would give you a call and see if you had changed your mind about a date yet.”

Two things came to mind…

1. Hell no, I’m not interested in a date with you
2. Holy crap, he just saw me pulling out of my office

I was hoping he would go away…but I might have to send out reinforcements…and by reinforcements I mean I think I’m going to have to break out “Biiioooootch Julie” and set the record straight with him. But then again, there is a part of me that is hoping he will go away quietly on his own. I mean it doesn’t take a genius to know that if I haven’t responded to any of your messages in over a week, I’m probably not interested.

Yeah, I’m not sure that he is going to disappear on his own…and it kind of stresses me out.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Geeker Beeker

Today is a fantastic day in the He Who Laughs Last household. That's right, you heard me. There is one person in the house that rules the roost today, and it's not me!

It's this cute little booger, Gibson, or Geeker Beeker as I so fondly refer to him.

Yep, my baby turned 7 today and I'm happy and sad all at the same time. Happy because he makes every day brighter for me, but sad because the realization has set in that he will be my baby forever...and by forever, I mean until my dying days. As much as he hates to hear it, I will always refer to him as my "baby" even after he has kids of his own.

If your like me, when you dreamed of starting a family, you never got past the "infant" stage in your dreams. In fact, I spent so much time fantsizing about being a mom to an infant that I completely forgot that they eventually grow up.

Well it hit me this morning. As usual, I wake up early on the morning of my kids births and just sit on their beds and watch them breathe. Some of you may think it's creepy, but these moments are the moments that I cherish most as a mom. It gives me the opportunity to be quiet and bask in the thought of how precious they really are. I'm usually a bit teary eyed at this moment, and today was no different.

As I was sitting on the foot of Gibson's bed today I was reminded of all of the things that I love about him. Here are seven...

1. No one sings "Need Somebody" by Kings of Leon better than he does, not even Kings of Leon

2. He thinks I'm funny, but the reality is he makes me funny.

3. Because of Gibson, I know more about winning battles with light sabres, peeing in the yard, and being "pancaked" in football than I ever thought I would.

4. He has a very energetic, happy, and eager personality. He has never met a stranger and thinks that everybody loves him. I love his confidence!

5. Everyday he comes home with a different girlfriend. It's cute at 7, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do when he hits puberty.

6. His toothless smile lights up a room.

7. He says things like, "oh mom, sorry, I forgot you were grumpy" or "no those pants don't make your butt look big, but they make your belly look fat" or even "your the best mom ever, can you take me to target to buy a toy?"

I know...I'm lucky!

He makes most days (99.9% of them) awesome!

But as great as he is...there are some days when he makes me have empathy for my own parents as I was growing up. My dad reminds me quite often that I was just like him when I was his age. A couple of times I wished I would have thought of this as a means of discipline for him...

Happy Birthday Geeker Beeker!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Completely gratuitous

For my viewing pleasure!

Another joyous day talking about me

Recently I’ve gotten away from the MEME’s that I used to so enjoy and had convinced myself that you equally enjoyed reading. So when my friend sent me an email a couple of weeks ago with these questions as a challenge for a blog post, naturally I was kind of excited about answering them.

But then, I blew it off.

However, yesterday, I got a comment from a fellow blogger on one of my posts and when I checked out her blog, she had answered the same questions that my friend had challenged me to answer. So then I thought if she wasn’t to cool for the MEME, then neither am I, and I took the challenge.


1.How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 26. That was how old I was when I got married. I thought I had conquered the world and loved my life at the time.

2.Which is worse, failing or never trying? I think never trying is worse. I’ve always been the kind of girl that will try anything once, well almost anything…

3.If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? I think somewhere along the way we have all been “brainwashed” in a sense, that we are supposed to act a certain way and do certain things. I have learned in my five years of recovery to start focusing more on the things that I actually want to focus on and stop worrying about the things that don’t matter. Hence my post yesterday.

4.When all is said and done, will you have said more that you have done? Probably. I’m a writer, it’s how I best express myself.

5.What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? There is lots I would like to change, but the fact that most people believe that we need money to be happy really irritates me. When I was younger I used to think that way, but have learned along the way that greed is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s an ugly characteristic.

6.If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? I’m lucky to have a job now that would fit that category. I work with high school seniors in the non-profit industry and couldn’t think of a job that would be more fulfilling than this one. It fills my tank!

7.Are you doing what you believe in, or settling for what you are doing? Definitely doing what I believe in!

8.If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I guess it would be too late for me to answer that question because I “mentally” turned 40 on Sunday. You see, my half birthday is September 12th and every year on that day I start telling people that I am another year older so that when my actual birthday comes around, I have already eased into being a year older.

9.To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Hopefully a very small degree. I’ve learned the hard way that changing the plan that is already in place for me is hard and often leads to hurt.

10.Are you more worried about doing things right or doing the right things? I’m kind of a rule follower…I think it’s what makes the world go round.

11.You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friendd of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I definitely call them out on their behavior. I’m all about being there for the underdog. We are all adults…can’t we all just get along?

12.If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Listen to your parents. You may think they are being uncool at times, but they love you and are just looking out for your best interest. I can’t tell you how many times, as an adult, that I have said something like “if only I had listened to my parents.”

13.Would you break the law to save a loved one? ABSOLUTELY! Without question.

14.Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Yes

15.What is something you know you would do differently than most people? I try my best not to be judgmental upon first meeting someone. You never know who they really are until you have heard their story.

16.How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because we were all created differently. Everyone’s happiness is reliant on different things.

17.What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? Write my first book. I get excited when I write, but sometimes I start to doubt and wonder if anyone is really interested in what I have to say.

18.Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of? No...Thanks to almost five years of therapy, I’ve learned to let it all go…Life’s to short to dwell on things that you can’t control

19.If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Hands down Hawaii! It’s like heaven on earth. Plus “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is there…that’s definitely one train wreck I would like to see up close and in person.

20.Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No, I’ve never heard that before.

21.Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Definitely a joyful simpleton…again life is to short to worry all the time.

22.Why are you, you? Because that’s how God created me?

23.Have you been the kind of friend that you want as a friend? Absolutely. There is nothing in life that I value and cherish more than my friends.

24.Which is worse, when a good friend moves away or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? I would have to say losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you. I have this problem in my life right now. My best friend of 31 years lives less than a mile from me and we don’t get the chance to chat as much as we used to. Our lives have gone in totally opposite directions. We are both so busy and finding time to see each other is often difficult. But I still love her and consider her my best friend!

25.What are you most grateful for? My family and friends. Without each and every one of them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

26.Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones. Oh, tough question…I’m a moment to moment kind of girl and not being able to make new memories would be tough. But I also don’t want to get rid of all of my old memories. The thought of not ever being able to remember my mom and the special woman she was brings tears to my eyes.

27.Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first? It depends? Things like “wow…the sun is bright today” is easy to know without challenging. Either you can see or you can’t right? But things like, “does God exist” needs to be challenged in order to come to a truth.

28.Has your greatest fear ever come true. Yes. I used to be afraid of losing my parents before they got to see me become the person they worked so hard to create and nurture. I don’t feel like my mom got a good sense of who I was to become before she passed away. I hope she would be proud of me today.

29.Do you remember that time five years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Wow, that is a profound question. Five years ago, yesterday, my divorce was final. I can remember thinking “if I could only make it to the five year mark. If I do, I’m sure I will be ok.” And I was right. I love who I am, and struggling after my divorce was part of who I am now.

30.What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? To this day I still remember dressing up every year and going to Father Daughter dances with my dad. He would treat me like a queen those nights. Most of my happiest childhood memories include my dad doing something special with me. Maybe that is why we are so close to this day.

31.At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive. I would have to say now, in this moment. I have worked really hard to pick up the pieces of my life and really love the woman I have become!

32.If not now, then when? I agree!

33.If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? I guess it depends on my choices…

34.Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation. No, I haven’t…does that happen to everyone?

35.Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? We are all broken people living in a broken world full of sin.

36.Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? Yes…and that’s my two cents!

37.If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Probably not, a million dollars doesn’t get you far anymore. Plus, I would want to donate a lot of the money.

38.Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Less work means more time with my kids…so definitely less work.

39.Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before. No, thankfully! Each day is a new day in my eyes!

40.When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Huh?

41.If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today. Wow, I don’t like this question. I would visit as many people as possible. I have a lot of significant people in my life

42.Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive and famous? Hell no! My kids already think I rock, and that is enough for me.

43.What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Truly living is taking risks, doing the things you enjoy and enjoying every moment life has to offer

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right. It’s all about instinct baby!

45.If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Learning is hard! When we screw up we automatically tend to think we are losers or that others are judging us.

46.What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Nothing, I live my life like nobody judges me. It’s to stressful to live any other way.

47.When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? Easy, the last two nights have sucked…I have been attacked by the insomnia bug, and there is nothing worse than being pissed because your breathing is to loud.

48.What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my kids more than anything in this world and I tell them that many many times throughout the day. I believe every time I play “slug bug” with my kids, we get to express our love with delicate punches.

49.Five years from today will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that or the day before that? Probably not. I can’t even remember what I had for lunch yesterday.

50.Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I think being a mom of two little boys makes decision making a lot different. I can’t be selfish and just decide what is best for me…I have two little guys to think about 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Eggs in one basket

I don’t know about you, but in my house, when it rains it pours in every facet of my life, from stress at work, to my kids, and even on into my personal life. It seems like I am always either in a drought or putting out buckets to catch all the crap that comes my way.

Well here it is Monday and I am feeling a little overwhelmed in regards to my personal life. You see, I have three dates lined up this week alone. That’s right, you heard me biiiootches…3!

Count ‘em…1…2…3!

But here it is 1pm on Monday and I am consumed with the thought of going on all three dates. The planning, plucking, preparing, picking out outfits, finding sitters for my kids, juggling football practice and basketball tryouts, showering, shaving, make up, ironing, etc. It all seems like too much for three nights.

Then I remembered a conversation I had a few weeks ago with my friend Aaron. He is such a good Godly man. He is solid in who he is and what he wants out of life. I rely on him at times to hold me accountable for doing the right thing, especially in my personal life. When we meet, I always feel like I share way too much information with him. But he understands, he doesn’t judge, and he always reminds me about me, my values and my faith in God. Bottom line…he keeps me in line. We don’t see each other all that often, but when we do, I always leave our time together very refreshed, uplifted, and confident about who I am and who I need to be for my kids.

Where is all this going, you might ask?

Well, the last time I got together with Aaron our conversation got around to our personal dating lives. He shared some things with me and I shared some things with him. At the time, one of the things we had talked about was that fact that I had had a date lined up that week with a guy that I wasn’t all that excited about. He asked me why I was going on the date with the guy if I wasn’t excited about it. I told him, that I never knew when I might meet my Prince Charming, so I had to put myself out there and go wherever the wind took me.

He disagreed. We talked on and on and he eventually said “my advice to you is to only go on dates that you are excited about.” Of course, being the rebel that I am, I went against his advice that week and went on the date anyway.

It was not a good night!

It was one of the most boring evenings of my life. On my way home that night I was pissed that I spent time and energy on this guy that I knew (before I actually even went out with him) that I would never speak to or see again. I was frustrated! And I hate being frustrated!

So this week I think I will heed Aaron’s advice.

I have cancelled two of the three dates that I had previously scheduled.

Sure, it was uncomfortable telling these gentlemen that I just didn’t think I was “in the right place” to go on dates with them. They both took it well. I didn’t expect anything less, after all the only thing we had invested in each other were some dry text messages and a few phone calls.

So here I am now, relieved and very excited for my one remaining date. With who, you might ask?

The Hot Fireman!

Oh yeah, I’m all about second chances and I can’t wait!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Top Ten Friday

We have had some beautifully cool days here in the Midwest and I have convinced myself that it is suddenly Fall. In order to celebrate my brain tricking my body into believing Fall is already here, I thought I would share with you my Top Ten Favorite Things for Fall.

You're Welcome!

10. Colts Football...Yeah baby! It's finally here!

9. Walks in the Park

8. Cozy Sweaters

7. Apple Pie

6. Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte

5. Hay Rides

4. Gerber Daisies

3. OPI Chopsticking to My Story Nail Polish

2. Open Windows

And my number one favorite thing for fall (actually, any time of the year)is...

Ryan Reynolds on a motorcycle...I have three words do discribe this picture...

Humana, humana, humana!

Is he HOT or what?

Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Home Sweet Home

So last night was supposed to be a very special evening in the He Who Laughs Last household, but per usual, whenever I have expectations about something, I’m always disappointed.

As most of you know, my dad lives in my house with me. I love having him here. My kids adore him and love having him here. As great as it sounds it’s not always peaches and cream. My house is set up perfectly for our living arrangements. It’s a two story, five bedroom house with two large living areas, one upstairs and one downstairs, and two large master suites, one upstairs and one down. As you can imagine, it is very easy to go days and not run into each other.

With that said, in the five years that I have owned this house, I have not had one entire 24 hour period of time to myself in my house. You see, my dad is great but his life revolves around me, my brothers and our families. He has absolutely NO social life outside of one night a week that he plays cards. So he is never gone.

This can be tough!

To my excitement, however, he left town yesterday afternoon for 24 hours and I was STOKED! I spent most of the day at work, daydreaming about my what my upcoming perfect evening would look like. I couldn’t wait to pick up my kids and take them to their dads. In fact, when my Ex called and said I could drop Hamilton and Gibson off earlier than usual, I thought, “OMG, this is a sign!”

I was giddy when I dropped them off! I think I may have even left tire marks in my Ex’s driveway. I know my tires were definitely smoking!

The first thing I did in my 24 hours of freedom was change the radio station from Radio Disney to NPR. I know…NPR is great, isn’t it? It makes me sound like a seventy year old woman, but I don’t care, I love it! I listened to it the whole way home without a complaint uttered. It was pure heaven!

When I got home, I ran upstairs with an extra pep in my step, put on my workout clothes and popped in a P90X video. The thought of working out without hearing things like, “you are going to have to work out a lot to get muscles” or “push ups are easy mom, why are you stopping at 25?” or “I can’t believe you think this is hard” is quite refreshing. However, not as refreshing as the thought of working out without once being asked to get something, find something, answer something, cook something, move something, or fix something.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t ten minutes into the video when the doorbell rang. Crap! Of course, it wasn’t for me…it was the neighbor boys wanting Hamilton and Gibson to come out and play. I was interrupted three more times in the matter of a one hour workout video. Two more friends of Hamilton and Gibson’s were looking for them and then the teenage neighbor came by selling his crappy wrapping paper and candles for the school fundraiser. Of course, I had to buy something.

I grumpily wondered why one of those interruptions couldn’t have been a cute, single UPS delivery guy, or a strong muscular Schwans man.

Oh no, it’s never about me!

After my workout I headed downstairs to make an egg white omelet with fresh tomatoes from the garden. YUMM-O! On a side note, while out in the garden I came across this…

No not the starburst, that’s just there for size, but the pumpkin! Isn’t it the cutest little pumpkin you have ever seen? It’s gonna be a hard one to carve!

Anywho…I sat down to eat my omelet and flipped on Fox News. Of course, it’s just my luck, and the TV goes out. The one time I don’t have to watch Phinneaus and Ferb, or iCarly, or Wizards of Waverly Place and the TV isn’t working. I'm too pissed to figure out what is wrong with it and decide to head up to take a bubble bath and have a glass of wine…pure heaven! You know why? Because not once, did I hear “moooooommmmmmmmmm”.

After catching myself dozing off in the tub, I decide it’s time to get out. And for one brief moment I look around and it hits me, I am totally alone in this house. So I thought long and hard about taking my robe off and walking around butt naked.

But then I remembered the conversation I had with Hamilton last week about me “being the kind of mom that likes to run around naked after a shower” and I visualized him judging me while rolling his eyes and crossing his arms in pure embarrassment and it immediately ruined my once in a lifetime evening alone in the He Who Laughs Last household.

So I put on my pajamas and went to bed…at 9:15pm…defeated and alone in anticipation of seeing my kids smiling faces at the bus stop in the morning.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The kissing bandit

This weekend I was reminded of a story that I cannot believe I haven’t shared with you guys. It’s one of intrigue, humor, and a few sloppy kisses. One that I am kind of embarrassed to tell you about, but one that is definitely worth sharing…

Setting, New York City, NY. The year is 2007. I had officially been divorced a little over two years. At the time I was dating Mr. Buckeye, but we were on the verge of parting ways. Nine of my closest gal pals and I headed to the Big Apple to celebrate half of our group turning 40. The other half, were still young bucks and barely out of our mid thirties, but I won’t boast!

We rented a two story town home whose showers were disgusting, stairs creeked, and had furntire that hadn’t been cleaned in years. But we didn’t care…we were there to celebrate and have fun. We went with the notion that what happens in NYC, stays in NYC. Keep in mind eight of us were married, one was pregnant and only two of us were single. We didn’t get to wild and crazy!

All in all we were well behaved. Nothing happened outside of some harmless flirting, obnoxious giggling, and a few crazy nights out on the town. Our weekend consisted of a Broadway show, some fine dining, shopping, Times Square, bra fittings, and some definite celebrity stalking. Unfortunately the only celebrity we saw was Brian Glazer. I know, I know, you’re probably asking “who the heck is he”? I for the life of me don’t know why I knew who he was, because at that time the only credit to his name was producing “Friday Night Lights.” Which I love. Now, a few years later, he has produced movies such as Robin Hood and TV series as Parenthood and 24. But No one knew who he was then…so I guess you could say that we really didn’t see any celebrities. A few weeks later, however, my friend Jane ended up going back for a weekend in NYC with her husband and ran into my lover, Ryan Reynolds…lucky bitch.

Anywho…one night out in the city we went to a nice dinner, a club, and ended up at a little pub to close down the evening. All in all I felt kind of old, but I didn’t give a crap because I was just there to have fun!

By the time we got to the little pub, we had had some cocktails under our belts and were having a blast. We were being hit on left and right by the young boys. I’m not gonna lie, it was fun, harmless, but fun! I seem to remember some dancing on the tables, and a little cat fight between sisters, but that was the boring part of the evening…for me, anyway.

I decided to separate myself from the group and go meet some of the other gentlemen suitors in the bar. My girlfriends were all married or in committed relationships. I was the only one who was actually on the verge of ending a relationship at home. I didn’t want to waste one opportunity, so I came up with a strategy. My strategy for the evening was to meet as many men as possible. Surely there would be one guy in the bar that was worth my time…hmmm…

So I grabbed my camera and off I went. The first guy I met was nice, but not my type…I snapped a picture with him to remember the moment and moved on. The second guy…not even a vague memory of him. It wasn’t until I got to the third guy that I had the brilliant idea of getting to know the other gentlemen at the bar by kissing them and then snapping their picture with me. I know it probably sounds gross to you guys, but it was by far the most fun I had had in a long time!

I have pictures galore of that evening and laugh every time I see them. I felt invigorated, free and for once, like the cool girl at the party.

I try not to think beyond that moment of the evening, because it just makes me want to go take a shower.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another weekly edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down. This week I have a special treat for you. The Best Week Ever website (my all time favorite blog) does a little thing that they like to call Celebrity Math. I think it is hilarious! So I have decided to treat you today to a little humor and do my own version of it here for you. I hope you enjoy this weeks Top Ten Favorite Hollywood Morphs.

You’re welcome!

10. Justin Bieber + Lady Gaga

= Bruno

9. Brad Pitt + skunk

= Benicio Del Toro

8. Heidi + Spencer

= Train wreck

7. Eva Pigford (winner of America’s Next Top Model) + Jason Lee

= Terrence Howard

6. Robert Downey jr. + junk food

= Adam Durwitz (lead singer of the Counting Crows)

5. Oprah + Lucy

= Condaleza Rice

4. Brendan Frazer + Pearl Necklace

= Elena Kagan

3. Angelina Jolie + drugs

= Michael Jackson & Baby Blanket

2. J. Lo + Butter

= Snookie

And my number one favorite semi-celebrity morph up…drum roll please…

Chris (from the Bachelorette) + Me

= Happily Ever After

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Equal opportunity annoyer

Dating profiles are ridiculous! Come to think of it, I don’t know that I have ever met a guy online that matches up to the profile he has so carefully thought about and (stolen) written from his heart. For this reason, I try my best to be as honest as possible when writing my profile. I post recent pictures and keep it short, because we all know men have the attention span of a first grader when it comes to reading these things.

Although, if I were being honest with you, I would tell you that I also have the attention span of a first grader when it comes to reading dating profiles. I don’t want to hear about how honest, open, loving and romantic you are. Quite frankly, I want you to show me…actions speak louder than words.

Being dishonest and babbling on and on about how awesome you are only sets you up for dating disaster. As an example, when I meet someone who says he is “athletic and toned” quite frankly, I expect that he will currently be athletic and toned and not be describing who he was in his high school hay day.

It’s so frustrating.

I don’t understand why men (and I’m sure women) do this. This is why I am adamant about posting very current pictures and list myself as average. I know I’m not super physically fit, but I’m not overweight either. I’m just average! I’ve had a couple of kids…

On a particular dating website that I am a member of there is a section listed “About my date”. In this section the men/women are supposed to answer the particular question about the women/men they are looking for.

I can’t tell you how many times I come across this exact list of what men in my area are looking for:

Hair: Blonde, dark blonde
Eyes: Blue
Height: 5’0-5’5
Body Type: Athletic & toned, curvey
Language: English
Ethnicity: White/Caucasion
Education: Graduate Degree, PhD/Post Doctorate
Job: Executive, Financial, Legal, Medical/Dental
Income: 150,000+

Seriously, this is what most men in my search criteria are looking for. I’m not joking! Apparently these “players” are looking for a sugar momma. Well good luck, I hope you have ugly, short kids, that go nowhere in life.

It’s frustrating!

All I ask is that the men be realistic in their search for a woman. Because quite honestly…

Athletic & toned

Plus a Graduate Degree, PhD/Post Doctorate degree

Plus income earnings over $150,00 a year

DO NOT, let me repeat…DO NOT = YOU

I’m just saying, let’s be honest from the get go!

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