To cool for school

The week of Thanksgiving I had eleven people staying at my house. It was hectic but a blast! Four of the relatives that were at my house were teenage boys…I know, I know…my house still smells like a college fraternity all these months later. There is not enough Febreeze in the world to get rid of that smell permanently! Anywho, I learned a lot during that week about the school systems our kids are attending. I have an nine year old and a six year old so I am still a “rookie” when it comes to the school systems and their expectations of our kids. Needless to say, I was shocked at some of the things that I heard from my cousins and nephew.

First, apparently my nephew can take his iPod into study hall with him on a daily basis. What? An iPod in study hall? Really? Isn’t the purpose of study hall to study or catch up on homework? Oh and it gets worse. He also said that they can sleep in study hall. I was horrified! I would never have dreamt of sleeping in study hall 20 years ago, but I guess that that is one of the things that makes me old school. I was also shocked at how little my cousin, who is a senior in High School, was actually required to go to school. Now maybe he busted his butt the first three and a half years, but I was still floored.

This conversation I had with them along with the fact that it is the end of another exciting school year really got me thinking about the kind of education our kids are receiving these days. It’s no wonder why so many of them struggle with life once they graduate. I was intrigued…I wanted to know more. In order to feel more prepared about my sons and their future I felt inclined to see what kinds of classes colleges are offering our kids today and boy I was shocked at what I had found.

Check these out!

Columbia College/Chicago: Zombies in Popular Culture

Johns Hopkins University: Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll in Ancient Egypt
Mail Order Brides, Understanding the Phillipines

North Dakota State: Beer Appreciation (How can this school not be named the #1 Party School with a class like this?)

Occidental College/LA: The Unbearable Whiteness of Barbie

Princeton: Getting Dressed (seriously, aren’t kids that go to Princeton supposed to be pretty smart? Is this class really necessary?)

Rhode Island College of Design: The History of the Dirty Picture

Santa Clara University: The Joy of Garbage

State University of New York at Buffalo: Cyberporn and Society

Syracuse University:The Life and Times of Lil’ Kim

University of Chicago: Naked or Nude

University of Delaware:The Philosophy of South Park

University of Illinois: Oprah Winfrey: The Tycoon

Wow! And we wonder why we have a society full of murderers, porn addicts, alcoholics, commitment phobes, cheaters, wingmen and loosers, with no ambition and drive to make anything of themselves and who are only looking for the easiest way to make the next buck.

Thank God all I had when I was growing up was Sex Education!

Times they are a changin

I got an email the other day with the Subject: You know you are a child of the 70’s if… You know this email, we have all seen it. You are a child of the 70’s if you had a bike with a banana seat or a shirt with the slogan “Frankie says Relax” or wore neon, or wore two polo shirts with the collars flipped up, or swatch watches and on and on and on and on…

Well, this email got me thinking. Huge societal changes are not just generational, but often happen right under our noses like it was just yesterday. So I sat down and started thinking about some of the things in the past five years that have changed my life as I once knew it.

1. We will probably never ever be able to board an airplane again without first taking off our shoes. This is disgusting if you really think about it. In fact, this grosses me out so much so that when I travel I usually carry an extra pair of socks in my bag and put those on immediately after walking through security.

2. How did we ever used to get around without MapQuest, Google Maps or a GPS? Remember the days when our paretns had to make a stop at AAA to pick up a Trip Tic before heading out of town for vacation?

3. Have you ever noticed that everything is new? Like the new 40 is 30? The new 50 is 40? No wonder I can’t figure out how old I am or remember when my kids birthdays are. It’s just our way of not facing the reality that we are getting older by the minute.

4. How did we ever learn things about our friends or see pictures of our friends before My Space, Face Book, Blogging and Twitter? How did we spend our spare time? Reading maybe? Going to Museums? Hell, I don’t know. But I will tell you this, we definitely weren’t out partying with our cell phones and uploading our fun party pictures to FaceBook even before we got our first drink at the bar. Seriously people, if you have more than a hundred pictures of yourself on your FaceBook or MySpace page (that were uploaded by you)…you have some serious vanity issues!

5. How did we ever get along without cell phones? Andy by this I don’t mean the “cell phone aspect” of the cell phone. I mean texting, and applications, and internet searching at your finger tips. To this day, if I walk out of the house without my cell phone, I will ALWAYS turn around and go get it…no matter the distance. I don’t want to take the chance of missing something important! Like a text from a certain someone who will remain nameless! In fact, at night, I have to turn my phone on silent, otherwise I will lay awake wondering who is texting or emailing every time my phone beeps. There is nothing more disappointing than being awake for hours wondering who texted you at 10pm and finally convincing yourself that it is ok to check the text at midnight only to find out it was SPAM from Viagra…very irritating!

6. How did we ever manage to see our girlfriends before Book Clubs or weekly reality TV watching parties? Thank you Oprah! And we all know how difficult it is for me to thank Oprah for anything… (I can’t stand that woman) but a good excuse to hang out with my friends and I will give props to Oprah.

7. I don’t know how I ever survived without 24 hour news. The moment I wake up my TV goes on, usually to Fox News…sometimes CNN…depending on the topic. I love the Today Show, and I must always stop channel surfing when I come across Nancy Grace or Glenn Beck…those two…CRAZY, but I have to watch! How else would I keep up on Balloon boy or Casey Anthony or Brangelina…pertinent info people! In fact, the other day, Indianapolis was getting a snow storm…ok 4-5 inches of snow, but you would have thought it was a blizzard. And when our local news station decided to stay on from 7am-8am, instead of go to the Today Show...I was pissed! I'm addicted! But I got over it!

8. How did we ever survive without Digital Cameras? Remember all of those trips to the photo shop to get film developed? Talk about a major expense, especially when you would send in a role with 36 pictures and only one or two of them were good enough to keep. How did narsasistic people share pictures of themselves with the world on MySpace or Facebook? Thank God for digital cameras!

9. I used to laugh because my grandma couldn’t live without her weekly dose of the Enquirer. Now I am the biggest celebrity gossip whore there is. I think I get at least 5 or six magazines a week that all say the SAME thing and have the same pictures, but it’s an addiction that I cant seem to stop. In fact, I spent New Years Eve with a friend and he had purchased a Celebrity Gossip magazine for me to read…God love him! Even my friends feed into my addictions!

10. And Last but not least, did you ever think “fat” would become the enemy of the state? I mean seriously, didn’t New York ban trans fats a couple of years ago? And then didn’t Alabama introduce a tax on overweight state workers because Alabama ranked very high (like maybe in the top 5) in the national obesity rankings?

So when do we stop? When do the things we do officially become deemed “old fashioned” or “out of style”? How soon will it be until we aren't able to walk into a library and check out a book, or when will we not be able to buy a magazine at the local book store. In another ten years will we be saying things like, “remember when our cars didn’t fly or when we had to actually go to a doctor’s office to be diagnosed with something?" Frankly, this race to “be better and prettier” scares the crap out of me. I wish that, just this once, we could slow down and enjoy the things that we have now, instead of always trying to figure out a way to make them better. Maybe one day we will stop being what I like to call an “instant gratification” society. But until then, I’m gonna buckle up and enjoy the ride.

You had me at hello

Courtship has changed! As a matter of fact, it isn’t even a thought in the relationship game anymore. In the early 1900’s a man would not even think about approaching a woman without her permission first. In the 1950’s girls were looked down on if they made the first move and now in the 21st century, girls not only call boys first, but they often initiate dates and pay for them. Am I really that old fashioned? Is it wrong that I like to be courted and felt appreciated by a man? Is it too much to ask for the man to make the first move? Come to think of it, maybe this is why I am still single. Maybe I’m not aggressive enough. But call me “old fashioned”…I will never change my ways.

It seems to me anymore that dating has become an industry. It has melded into some sort of a sophisticated social science, and I was never good at science. There are coaches, and experts and rules, oh my! It has become some sort of a job. And just like any real job, you get out of it what you put into it. We are taught to think of dating as fun and fabulous. Apparently, all it takes is implementing the right tools, strategies and support staff to make it happen. Well, I got news for you…whoever said that is obviously not single!

We seem to be stuck in the era of hook-ups, walks of shame, online dating and sexting. It used to be that two people spent time together to get to know one another, but now it just seems like people get together to fill some sort of void or need in their lives. Things seemed simpler when I was dating some twenty odd years ago. A guy asked me out, we went out to dinner to get to know each other, we either decided we weren’t right for each other or continued dating. Nowadays, girls are asking guys out, going to clubs and bars, not having any kind of fruitful discussions, hooking up and then moving on. It seems to me that to most people, dating is all about the numbers more than the emotional relationships. I wonder whatever happened to our moral compass?

The changes in dating have made it very difficult for some relationships to be defined. The line between friends and lovers has become considerably blurry. Friends with benefits is a great example of this and can often be what leads to what I like to call “relationship purgatory”. It can often cause unwanted resentment, bitterness and confusion.

And the thrill of meeting someone new for the first time…well, that doesn’t seem to exist anymore either. Initial first date butterflies have taken a backseat to what I like to refer to as “google stalking”. I will admit it, before I go out on a first date with someone I google them to see what comes up. And often the bubble is burst and the “newness” of a potential suitor is no longer there. The excitement of meeting someone for the first time is gone because before we even meet our first date, we usually already know the basics this person.

Face to face conversations are no longer the norm either. Come to think of it, neither is talking on the phone. I can’t think of the last time I had a good telephone conversation with someone I was dating. Technology has allowed texting and emails to take the forefront on relationship communication. It has stunted the growth of intimacy because we engage in less and less direct interaction with each other.

And online dating…don’t make me go there. This little social dating invention has given people the permission they need to become a sort of “jack of all trades” and a master in none when it comes to trying to establish intimacy with one person, because it is often superseded by having several relationships of less substance. In my opinion, online dating is what has given us the ok to stop taking dating so seriously.

Now people just date other people out of convenience. I had a friend that once told me she was dating this guy (who was awesome, by the way) because he was good for her “right now.” He filled her void now, even though she knew he wasn’t long term material for her. This is the kind of crap that really irritates me about being single. It’s the selfishness of lonely people that often prevents “good catches” from getting caught by the right person.

The scary part is that dating has changed so much so over the past twenty plus years that perspectives and morals are quite different from how they used to be. And if our world is changing that rapidly in just twenty years, then what does that say for our future? What kind of dating atmosphere will our children be subjected to when they are our age? It seems to me that individuals are more and more reluctant to risk losing their independence, hence the reasons for dates of less substance.

Dating means different things to different people Too me, it is two fold, first, to get to know a potential life partner, and second, to get to know myself better. I can honestly say that I have spent the last three or four years trying to get to know a possible life partner. It’s not working for me. So I have deemed 2010 my year of getting to know myself better, and so far I like what I am learning!

Definition of family

I have been in a total funk for the past few days and still can't seem to get motivated to put together an interesting blog post. While I have tried several times and started many articles...I can't seem to complete any of them. So instead of not posting anything, I have asked my very good friend Kim to put together a blog for today. Kim and I have had many discussions as of late about what constitutes a family. The conclusion we have come to is that families come in all shapes and sizes. Most families aren't the perfect families we dream of as kids. Bottom line...family is what you make it! Kim has a very inspirational story, so I asked her to guest blog and share it.

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As a little girl, I had a very typical working definition of family in my head. Picture the crayoned drawing of a stick mommy, daddy, brother, and me. I found a similar description online. DEFINITION A, we’ll call it:

”…a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of two parents
and their biological children."

That’s a family, right?

As I grew older, I saw my situation for what it was: a drunk, abusive, and distant “father”; an enabling and weak-minded “mother”; a brother who clung like hell to me for support; and no grandparents, aunts, or uncles who would help me. I began to rethink what family meant. “Was this all I got?” I used to wonder. At 18, I moved out and away from what-I-then-called, “my biological sperm and womb donor” (since they didn’t deserve the title of mother and father) and proceeded to make my own way in life, rethinking my definition. I considered myself an orphan.

I lived with a close friend and her parents for a long time and tried desperately to be a part of their family. But, to my fundamental dismay, they also followed DEFINITION A, and I was forever seen as a close friend but never as a true family member. The most status I would ever get was as a quasi adopted/step daughter explained to others in a muted, befuddled manner. So I continued my search.

I met a nice fellow (or so I thought at the time). His family was great! They embraced me with the warmth of the sun. I always felt like an insider. I married this man and had two kids by him. We had a DEFINITION A family for sure which expanded to include all of my in-laws and their children. Unfortunately, that marriage didn’t last.

So now I’m a single mom sharing my two kids with my ex. My ex in-laws still loved me as much as ever and continued to embrace me as family. So, at that time, my family consisted of me, my kids and my ex husband’s family. A new picture came into focus. Digression: For every harsh thought I ever had about my ex, I will say this. He loves our children. So, even though we aren’t together, we separately provide our children with two loving homes. (I wonder what my kid’s definition of family would be…)

So here’s the good part.

I meet (re-met, I should say) this guy. I dated him back in high school and, viciously, broke his heart. But we’re older now. It had been 12 years. He’s single and had never been married. A calm, centered, logical guy without a real care in the world. He works, he hangs out with friends, and he lazily reads the Sunday paper every weekend. He can afford whatever he wants. And then he reconnects with me.

I describe myself as the tornado that took out his trailer park. I am this loud, opinionated, bossy (at times) Latina who is also full of romance and love. We fall in love. But there is an issue.

That damn DEFINITION A!

What about his dream of starting a family? How will he get along with my kids (who, at the time, were 2 and 4)? What role will he play in their development and discipline? How will he feel about being around my ex’s family who I love with all my heart? How will his family feel about being around my ex’s family? How can we make this work? Will we have kids together? What will this all look like?

But I had assets: Being a single mom is no walk in the park. I offered him:

•"Time in" meaning (unless we chose to have more) he had 18 - X years before the kids would go away to college which meant a quicker time frame for having serious couple time again. I told him if he did want to have kids, he would know I am a good “breeder” and can make cute kids.

•The benefit of already knowing what my kids looked like; their health status; their mental capacities; and their personalities. They could walk and talk and he could get to know them right away. As an added bonus-he missed the baby years. He had no butts to wipe. No sleepless nights with a newborn.

•The fact that I (and all single moms) rock! We know how to multi-task big time: our job; our kids’ needs; their school activities; the house; the bills; the laundry; pets; our social lives (if we get one); etc. We can do it all. Single moms know how to do it all on fumes! We are very efficient!

•And my #1 selling point to him was this: I have walked on the dark side. When my DEFINITION A was shattered, I was devastated. Regardless, I had to get my stuff in order pretty fast. I had to be there for my kids. I am a survivor. And one thing I learned from that heart-wrenching process was how to find (what I should have been looking for all along): the right guy. Not the funny guy or the foreign guy or the overly romantic guy or the rebel guy or the mysterious guy. But the right guy who is a balance of everything I need mixed in with what I want. I had to pick a person who is not only good for me but also for my children. So I wasn’t going to play games. Plus, I knew what the warning signs of a troubled marriage were and would avoid them like the plague. Divorced/single people have a perspective that those who have never been married will never fully understand. (Much like a war veteran, I would imagine).

Well, he was in for the roller coaster ride! He said his life before me was boring, meaningless, and without purpose. Well I gave him PLENTY of purpose. So, this is what we did. We let love lead the way. We got married and, in the ceremony, this is what Dave said to my kids as he was putting a necklace with a unity symbol on each of them:

"David, you have acknowledged and accepted that, today, you not only join Kimnfor a lifetime of happiness but also G and A. Often marriage is viewed as the union of two persons. In reality, marriage is much broader. It is always a joining of families. Therefore, we now recognize G and A and their importance."

"David, do you promise to love G and A for all of your days, to treat them as if they were your own, and make them a part of your life?" David: I do.

"Will you protect them with all of your strength, support them with all of your efforts, teach them with all of your knowledge, guide them with all of your experience, and love them with all of your heart?" David: I will.

My ex-sister-in-law coordinated the wedding and my ex-in-laws stood up as my parents. All of my ex’s family was there to support me and my new husband. And now I have two mother-in-laws. And I love them both. And they love each other deeply (if you can believe that).

My husband and I made it work because we love each other.

Was it all smooth as butter? NO. Dave had to deal with my ex husband and his new crappy wife; Dave struggled with what the kids should call him after we got married (dad, Dave, etc.); He had to try to love these kids knowing they would probably always love their biological dad more; and he had to figure out how to incorporate his love for the older two with that of our third child. No. It was not easy. But we did it anyway. He loved me enough to make it work. What is worth having if you don’t have to fight for it? Unlike others, I have worked, sweated, and fought like hell for my family. I wasn’t just born in and got to coast through life singing la-di-da. I actively sought them out, recruited them, maintained them through good and bad, and busted my butt to keep it all going.

CONCLUSION: Because I am much older and wiser, have run the gamut, and am now a family connoisseur, I want to share my new DEFINITION B:

Family consists of people who love each other; support each other; and who may
or may not live together all of the time or be related by DNA but, instead, are
related by the heart and soul. They stand together in times of joy and sorrow
and in sickness and in health for as long as they all shall live.

Ironically the only person who doesn’t nicely fit into this definition is my biological mother. But you can’t always choose your family, right? NOT. Sure you can!!

So, at present, we have three kids, 2 dogs, 1 hetero life mate (my bff) and one of my nephews who stays with us semi-regularly. So that’s 9. We have all Dave’s family which adds in 10 and my ex’s family which adds in 11. And my biological brother’s family adds 4. And my bio mom. 1. Maybe 1/2. That’s a total of 34 ½. I am SO proud of it! Lord knows, I would never have drawn 34 ½ people when I was a child, coloring. But life is three-dimensional and unpredictable and sometimes, through the process, I have had to change and mold to accommodate it. I am so thankful that I broadened my definition or I would have missed out on all the craziness and joy this myriad of wonderful people give me. I am truly blessed. This is my family.

Things aren't like they used to be

I recently went on a date that I would definitely label “the best date ever”. Never, in my four years of being single, has any date ever come close to this category. This guy, who I swore I wouldn’t write about, was the kind of guy that could actually carry on an intelligent conversation while having fun at the same time, he opened doors, laughed at my jokes, asked me about me, and most important, was actually interested in what I had to say. The thing I liked the most was our ability to laugh the entire night. His sense of humor was right up there with mine, quick, witty and a bit sarcastic. Never was there a dull moment in our conversation.

As I look back on this date, I have realized that men and women don’t know how to date anymore. It’s all about meeting out somewhere and having fun but never getting the opportunity to actually have good conversation and get to know one another. This is the reason I believe that most relationships don’t work out today. We spend way to much time focusing on partying and having fun together but never take the time to actually learn anything of substance about each other.

Why can’t we take dating back to the time when women were ladies and men were gentlemen. There was no rush to jump into a relationship or bed, for that matter. Men respected women and women respected men. There were real rules to courtship and no one ever thought to go against these rules. The rules often led to real relationships and real commitment. Men knew how to treat women. They courted them properly. They opened car doors and genuinely got to know the woman they were with. They knew the process of courtship and they knew that the end result was commitment, love, marriage, and sex. Today, however, things have changed, everything is backwards. The end has become the beginning. Sex has somehow become the prize when the prize should actually be commitment and love. Sex, in my mind, should be the reward for getting to know someone and falling in love with them. It shouldn’t be given away in the beginning! Men and women are equally guilty of this.

The sexual revolution has made us who we are today. Both men and women at that time thought it was great. Men could have sex without commitment and women could have sex without hesitation or question. No one needed love, no one needed commitment. No one wanted love and no one wanted commitment. Guilt free sex…it was (and still is) all the rage. Women gave up their rights to be loved and cherished. The more partners the better, no expectations from anyone. And things haven’t changed much since then. Men and women are still using sex for the wrong reasons. I don’t believe this is how we were created to live!

I think we need a revolution of our own. Nothing major, it doesn’t need to be painful! We need to step away from a sexual revolution and into another, one man, one woman at a time. I once saw written that we need to stop our “Sex and the City” attitudes towards who we are and what we need. I love that! I think the men of our generation have been taught by us, that the goal is sex and that we all share that same goal. Well, I’ve got news for you…I don’t share that same goal and I believe there are a lot of women out there like me, but are to scared to step up and take a stand. We need to stand up for what we believe in! Don’t fall to the pressures of our friends, the media, the world.

I think it is time we start thinking about ourselves and our needs, instead of doing what everyone else is doing. I believe if we do this we will retain the relationships of the men and women who come into our lives. We will actually know our spouses before we marry them! Huh, what a crazy concept!