Open Letter, the Dating Version

Dear Ex(s),

No, I did not delete you or block you from my Facebook account. Quite frankly, I’m tired of Facebook and deactivated my page last week, but that’s not the point of this letter. The point of this letter, is to remind you that you dumped me. And when you dump me you no longer have the right to know what I am doing, or see what I am up to, or look at my pictures. You lost that privilege when you chose to move on!

Sincerely,

You snooze you loose
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Dear Suitor,

I don’t really care if it was one of my dear friends that recommended we connect. If the 2nd word in your initial email to me is the word “seen” and the first word is “I”, as in “I seen that you and I….” I can tell you it won’t happen between the two of us. I’m not a grammar snob by any means, but “I seen” is just too hilljack for my liking.

Sincerely,
A Dating Snob

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Dear Recent Date,

I don’t know how else to say this, but I’m not interested.

Sincerely,
Read the clues

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Dear You Know Who You Are,

I’m sorry! I wish you would give me a chance to explain better. What you “heard” me say is not what I was “trying to say”. Oh, and when I said you couldn’t come over, the real reason didn’t have anything to do with my dad…

Sincerely,
Please let me explain

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Dear Instant Gratification Girl,

Good things come to those who wait!

Sincerely,
Patience is a virtue
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It's on!

Have you ever reached a point in life where you either have to accept whatever you are doing and just exist or stop talking about what you used to be and do something completely different?

Maybe?

Well, I’m there!

I’m 40! I’m too old to just exist and accept my life as it is.

Yeah, I’ve gotten the shaft a time or two. Get your head out of the gutter people, by “shaft” I mean jipped on life!

I’ve picked up the pieces of my life a time or two as well.

But lately, I’ve just been existing. I’m tired of existing!

I want more.

I want to be happy.

So I’m going to fight…fight for what I want.

Currently what I want, may not want me, but I’m too old to let it pass me by.

I’m fighting…

I’m fighting for me for once…

I’m scared and sick to my stomach, but I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder…”what would have happened if I just sucked it up and went for what I wanted?”.

Nope…that’s not going to be me…not again!

For once, I’m putting me first and letting my walls come down…

Wish me luck…I’m not the kind of girl who usually “wins” in these types of situations, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.

It’s on like Donkey Kong!!!!

I have a date

This weekend is going to be very exciting in the He Who Laughs Last household. Not only will there be the consumption of lots of food and alcohol, good concerts, lots of family, girlfriend time and awesome fireworks, but sprinkled in amongst all that 4th of July goodness, is a date.

Stop rubbing your head in confusion…you heard me correct…a date.

But not just any date.

Oh no, this date will be unlike any other date I have ever been on. In fact, it will be a first in the book of He Who Laughs Last.

No, it’s not with Ryan Reynolds…damn people, stop getting me all excited about something that we all know will never happen!

I have a date with….drum roll please….

…my shower head!

And I’m so excited!

Yep, I even put it on my calendar for Saturday afternoon, in between my haircut and the Motley Crue concert. Oh yeah…you heard me correct…Motley Crue…4th row. (I hope to have some exciting stories to report about his particular event)…Motley Crue, not the date with “Mr. Shower head”.

And because I haven’t had much luck dating lately, I did what any single girl would do who is anxious about a date…I googled him…and I came up with multiple DIY instructions.

I’m anxious, excited and nervous all at the same time…kind of like a real date. The only difference is, I won’t be shaving my legs for this one.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be good…I can feel it!

Word of the Day

I made up a word this weekend.

Closure-ish: (n) A part of closure; to make oneself believe that one has received finality in a relationship in order to desperately pack away thoughts in the back of one’s mind, never to be seen again…until the next time the phone rings.

Yep…that’s a pretty accurate definition, don’t you think?

Don’t think I just came up with this word out of the blue. Oh no, there is a story behind it.

As most of you know, I got my heart broken in February by Mr. Jackhole. It’s the story of my life! For those of you that don’t know, I allowed myself to become vulnerable and let my walls down for the first time in six years with Mr. Jackhole. He swore he wouldn’t eff up the relationship, but he did.

I wasn’t surprised.

Anyway, the past 4 months he has been sending me random text messages to “check up on me”. Until a couple of weeks ago, I would just give him very brief curt responses to his messages. Then one day a couple of weeks ago, we began carrying on actual conversations via text. I figured, why not…what could it hurt to be nice to the guy?

I’m not one that holds grudges for any length of time.

Long story short, he came to town this past weekend.

We met for drinks.

He brought his “A Game”.

Damn you Mr. Jackhole…I love you’re “A Game”!

He was sweet, funny, talkative and most important, apologetic. He apologized for everything. We talked, laughed and drank the night away. I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to forget the past and how much he hurt me and just let things go back to the way they used to be between us.

Because I will admit, things were great between us.

Every time he made me remember how good things were between us, I put my mind in reverse and reminded myself how much he hurt me in the end. When we kissed, I had to force myself to remember how he effed things up between us. And each time he made me laugh, I immediately replaced the laughter with the recollection of the painful end to our relationship.

It was this that enabled me to remind him that he effed things up between us and that I didn't know if I could trust him again.

Closure-ish…I’m good until the next time I see him or he texts me…

A girl can only be so strong for so long!

What men want

I have met so many fabulous people at my new job! I mean FABULOUS! They are not only fun to work with, but the best part is that the ones I sit next to have the same sense of humor as I do…you know, dry, witty and very VERY sarcastic…and this makes work FUN.

I was having lunch with some of them on Friday and one of the guys made this comment to me, he said, “it’s no wonder you are still single, guys like to be needed and it is very clear that you don’t “need” a guy.”

I was shocked!

He was right…I don’t “need” a guy…but I "want" one.

So, we carried on with the conversation a little more…you know in a very funny, sarcastic way. He got all “girly” and giggled at everything I said…you know in a way that girls are supposed to when they want to get the attention of a guy.

Yeah…that’s not my style.

My style is to show the guys that come across my path, that I am a put together independent woman. I have a great job that I love. I can support myself and my family. I own my own house. I have my shit together (thanks to 4 years of therapy). I have a great ex-husband who is a terrific father. I have two boys that are at a stage where they realize that it is a good possibility that I will be in a relationship one day with someone other than their dad.

These qualities are what makes me…me!

Apparently, these qualities scare men off.

So here’s the deal. I had an ah ha moment this weekend. And here it is…

I guess I do need a man in my life!

You know what made me come to this conclusion?

Here it is…

I hate my showerhead!

Yep…that’s what made me realize that I NEED a man in my life.

So here’s the deal…I need a man to come over and fix it for me.

It has been driving me crazy for months now, and I’m afraid to take it apart and fix it, at the risk of breaking it.

I could wait for my brother to come to town and fix it, but I don’t think I can wait that long. You know, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl!

So if your single, a handyman, have your own tools, are emotionally stable, and available at all this week, let me know…I will even buy you dinner after!

Will it help if I giggle and bat my eyes when I ask, would that be more appealing to you?

Wait...what?

So…here’s a question for you…

Between me and my dad, who do you think currently has a great dating life?

Stumped?

I will give you one small hint.

No wait…I will just give you the answer…

…It’s NOT me!

For those of you that know my dad, you probably had to re-read this to make sure you read it correctly. For years, my dad has been totally against dating and being social. But something in him has recently clicked and he has been on some dates with the same woman the past month or two.

I’m so stoked for him!

It’s been almost 12 years since my mom died and I’m glad he is finally feeling comfortable enough to get out there and be social.

And the best part is that my friend has someone she wants to fix him up with too. So not only is he going on several dates with the same woman, but he also has one in the waiting if anything goes wrong with this new woman.

I know, it’s fabulous!

Now, if we could just flip the switch and put someone good in my path to date, and maybe line one up in case that doesn’t work out, it would be much appreciated!

Ready…set…GO!

Find me a date!

So I was at a party this weekend with some friends. I didn’t really want to go. The thought of being a homebody this weekend had been weighing heavily on me all week. I was looking so forward to spending Saturday and Sunday with me, myself and I. But a couple of my friends wouldn’t let that happen. Their theory is that if I don’t get out there in the world and mingle, then I will never meet Mr. Right.

They had a good point, so I decided to go.

Of course, I didn’t know anyone at the party, except for the two people that I went with. But that has never stopped me. I’ve never been a wall flower. I can strike up a conversation with anyone and convince you at the same time that I am interested in nothing other than the one on one we are having.

Yeah, it’s a gift…don’t hate me!

Anyway, there was this particularly good looking guy eyeing me by the fireplace. And you all know me well enough by now to know that I was not going to make a move. I figure, if he is interested in getting to know me then he will come over and make the first move. Andy by golly, he did.

But much to my dismay, it ended quicker than it began. Here is our brief 30 second conversation…

Him: Hi, my name is Brian, what is your name?

Me: I’m Julie.

Him: It’s great to meet you Julie. I’ve been watching you all night and your smile really got to me. I couldn’t leave without coming over to introduce myself.

Me: Well, it’s nice to meet you Brian. What do you do for a living?

Him: I’m a firefighter.

Me: (suddenly losing interest and finding it difficult to hold back the look of disappointment on my face). That’s a very noble profession.

Him: You don’t sound too excited about my profession.

Me: Oh I am, it's just that I’ve had a go around or two with a fireman lately.

Him: Well, was he gorgeous and single like me?

Me: He was definitely gorgeous, and he said he was single…so yeah, I guess you could say he is gorgeous and single. But enough about him, tell me more about you.

Him: I save lives…what more do you want to know?

Me: (stunned silent)…

It’s no wonder I’m still single

He's just not that into you when

He's just not that into you when...

He doesn’t plan in advance, he cancels dates more that he keeps dates, he wants to wait until the two of you have more than 3 hours to spend together, he takes longer than 36 hours to respond to a simple text message, the majority of the time spent together is between the hours of sun down and sun up, he only wants to spend time together on his terms, he is not making an effort to see you, he says things like “I’m no good at relationships”, he only contacts you every few days or so, he initiates with phrases like, “we need to get together soon” but then never follows through, he doesn’t want regular consistent contact with you…and so on and so on.

My question is this...

If it doesn’t take a genius to figure this out…then why do I feel like such an idiot?

I've got a playdate with destiny

I think I mentioned before that I have been working through a 30 day renewal program. Well, it has officially become a 45 day program, life kind of got in the way. It was a gift I bought myself for my birthday. I hit 40 and BAM…I felt a crisis coming along. I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my life and I was scared that I didn’t know how to get where I wanted to go.

I had just broken up with my therapist and quickly felt my world crumbling around me, but I couldn’t go back to him for advice. Oh no, I had to prove to him that I learned a lot over our years together and I could survive life without him.

I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on him and his guidance.

It was kind of scary!

So I took the bull by the horns and started this renewal program. And can I say WOW! It has really opened my eyes up to me. It kind of pisses me off that my years of expensive therapy never brought me to this realization. But it is what it is. Maybe my therapist was telling me this all along and I just didn’t get it.

Don’t judge me, I was never a super smart girl in school. But I sure did have fun!

I hope to write a few posts in the future about the realizations I have come to in this 45 day process. But to put them all in one post would be confusing and quite frankly, downright boring!

So today’s focus is the eye opener I had regarding my personal life.

One of the days throughout this process we had to answer two questions: First, write about a time in your life that made you feel wonderful or joyous, and second, write about a time in your life that made you feel sad, unhappy or frustrated. Both times I wrote about experiences I had with the only two men I have ever been in love with.

Then we had to compare and contrast our answers.

This is where my light bulb moment came into play.

When I was answering the questions I talked about how the Ex made me feel when he asked for a divorce and compared it to my relationship with Mr. Jackhole and how he made me feel throughout. Of course, there were two totally different sets of feelings, sadness and frustration in one, and happiness, and self confidence in the other. However, the end result for both relationships was hurt, sadness and tremendous pain for me.

And there-in lies the light bulb moment.

I believe the reason I cannot find Mr. Right is because I am scared of being hurt by someone again. Therefore, I don't open myself up completely to the person I am spending time with.

I have recently been spending some time with and chatting with the Hot Fireman again. I love our time together even though it is very rare. I love it when he texts me and I know he is thinking about me. I love the way he makes me laugh and feel. I love it when I make him laugh. We just always seem to have fun together. I definitely love spending as much time with him as I can.

But the last time we hung out, he made a comment early on in our time together that I seemed nervous. I wasn’t nervous, persay. I think I was more scared than anything. Scared of what could happen if we continue to chat and spend time together. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart get involved. Scared of what could happen if I let my heart take control of the relationship instead of my head.

You see, I continue to believe that if my head is in control then there will always be a “safe” distance between us. What scares me is that moment that I lose control and let my heart overpowers my head.

The trick has become trying to find an even balance between the focus of my head and the focus of my heart at the same time. You know, kind of like when you were a kid and you tried to pat your head and rub your belly at the same time. (ok…stop for a moment and try it…go ahead…you know you want to)

Great, now that you got that out of your system, let’s try to focus again.

I’m almost done.

The trick to patting your head and rubbing your belly at the same time is to keep moving your attention, rapidly, from one hand to the other and back again. If you don’t you wind up either rubbing or patting both your head and your belly. In other words, sacrificing one for the sake of the other.

Just like that silly little game, I realized that in order to not focus on the potential of a hurtful outcome with the Hot Fireman, I need to readjust my thinking and rapidly move my focus from my heart to my head and back again at all times when it comes to our relationship. Otherwise, I will end up sabotaging what could possibly be a great thing in my life.

Make sense?

I LOVE LIGHT BULB MOMENTS!

When temptation goes to war with common sense

So I got another email from Mr. Cologne.

I’m not going to go out with him again no matter how hard he tries, but I have to be honest and tell you that his emails totally crack me up.

Here is the one I got today:

Hey He Who Laughs Last,

Now that spring weather is right around the corner please join me for sushi and rollerblading. What? Don’t laugh, you know it just makes sense.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Mr. Cologne


Seriously? Doesn’t that make you laugh?

You know what makes me laugh even more?

I just can’t stop picturing him showing up to go rollerblading with knee pads, elbow pads, and a helmet all while wearing spandex biking shorts and a wife beater.

Yeah…that’s how “not my type” he was.

Good emails can go a long way

I know I said that I have pretty much given up on online dating…and I have.

BUT…

I just have to share this email with you that I got from a guy that I went out with a couple of weeks ago. We met for coffee one evening. He was nice, but not my type at all. This was the guy that reeked of my dad’s cologne…yeah him.

He went on vacation with his kids the day after we had coffee. We never exchanged phone numbers and I deleted my online profile, so how he got my email address I may never know. I guess I can chalk it up to good detective work. I kind of like it when guys go out of their way for a girl, usually not in a stalker kind of way, but in more of a “I thought of you when I saw this card so I bought it for you” kind of way.

Anyway, yesterday I was kind of in a funk. In a funk because I was waiting on some potentially great news that could change my life. My stomach was in knots and I was becoming frustrated. So when I got this email, I had to laugh…it kind of made my day.

Here is what it said…

Hey He Who Laughs Last,

I just wanted to drop you a quick email and let you know that I had a great time on our date, unless you didn’t, in that case, I didn’t either.

Looking forward to seeing you again soon.

Sincerely,

Mr. Cologne

Seriously? How cute is that?

Usually the email/text after the first date is kind of awkward, but this one was just perfect. So perfect it kind of makes me want to go out with him again…BUT I WON’T!

If I did, my friend Jackie might just come over and kick my ass…and I am in NO mood for that!

Don't make me go all Tome Cruise/Katie Holmes on your ass

Online dating sucks!

Reason #1 why I’m no longer doing it.

But…that statement alone doesn’t prevent my friends from uttering those scary words every once in a while.

What words, you might ask?

You know the ones…”I have this great guy I want to fix you up with.”

Yeah…those words.

My girlfriend who fixed me up with Mr. Jackhole is dying to fix me up yet again…but I’m not falling for it. Nope, not this time…and do you know why? Well besides the fact that I have sworn of dating anyone new, I’ve decided that I WILL NOT be compromising in any way on my short list of 5 Must haves, no matter how shallow that makes me.

And #1 on that list, is height.

Yep, I refuse to date anyone that is even ¼ of an inch under 6 feet tall again. And like Mr. Jackhole, this new guy is 5’10.

Nope…not gonna do it! Call me shallow, call me a bioootch, call me what you will, but I'm not gonna do it.

You see, I’m 5’7. That’s not super tall, but it’s kind of tall. I like to wear high heels. I’m not superficial, but when it comes to dating short men…then I have a problem.

I have no interest in looking like this on a date…



I have no interest in being the “big girl” in the relationship. And let’s face it, tall girls that date short men are the “big girls” in the relationship.

You see, I like to wear shoes like this…



…because they make me feel sexy.

I absolutely dread wearing shoes like this…



…because they make me feel frumpy.

So when I say I want to date someone who is over six feet, it usually means someone who is 6’2 or 6’3 because like women, men too lie on their online dating profiles.

This way when I guy tells me he is 6’2, I’m pretty much guaranteed to get someone who is at least 6 feet tall.

And from here on out, I will go by this rule of thumb, when picking and choosing between men to date: I will subtract 2 inches from their height, add 20lbs to their weight and deduct $50,000 from their income and that’s pretty much the reality that will show up at my front door.

Ahhhhh…such is life!

It's gonna take a miracle

Do you ever have moments in your life when you know you are being given a sign for something, but you aren’t quite sure what it means? I feel like this happens to me more often than not. But most of the time I tend to ignore these signs and try not to read too much into them because I find that those kinds of situations tend to drive me nuts.

If it’s not 100% clear to me I don’t dwell on it or try to figure it out. You see, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl and if it isn’t clear to me I don’t mess with it.

I have recently gotten a sign…a BIG sign…HUGE!

Last night after my workout at the gym I ran into an old girlfriend of mine. We met at church years ago and used to be pretty friendly. Now our schedules seem to get in the way of church and life, so we don’t see each other much. But last night we picked up like we were great friends.

She is a lot like me. She is a hardworking, independent single mom who also struggles with the balance of being a good mom and having a quality relationship. Within 2 minutes of our conversation we start talking about the men (or lack thereof) in our lives.

We can’t help it…it’s what women do.

She, like me, is frustrated with dating. She, unlike me, made the decision about 6 months ago to not date, focus on herself and her happiness. I like who she has become! Don’t get me wrong, she has always been a great girl, but the confidence she has in herself and who she is, was FANTASTIC!

I was quite envious!

Then, this morning, like most mornings, I logged into FaceBook to be a voyer in the lives of my friends... It’s my coffee, I have to do it in order to function. Anyway, as soon as I logged in, I got an instant message beep from another friend of mine who checks up on me regularly. He is a fabulous photographer and a Godly man who is often very encouraging to me about many things in my life. But mostly about my kids, my writing, and my relationships.

And his suggestion to me this morning, out of all mornings, was to stop getting in the way of myself and start focusing on learning to love what makes me, well…me. He suggested that I date…wait for it…that I date myself, and learn to love me first.
He thinks my missing link is that I’m not loving me and expecting to get that love from someone else.

It was then clear to me.

That’s the “thing” that I saw in my girlfriend last night. She had clearly learned how to love herself first and that love is the love that made her life tick. I suddenly realized that no one is going to be good enough for me until I’m good enough for me.

It became all too clear in a chance meeting with an old friend and an IM chat with a Godly man.

So here’s my plan…

I’m deleting my Match.com profile immediately, canceling my two dates this week, and putting the focus back on me. I have so little time to myself and the thought of spending one more minute with a random guy trying to see if there is a connection between the two of us makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of primping, plucking, ironing, and shaving for one more first date makes me want to pull my eyeballs out.

I’m not shutting myself off to dating persay, but I am shutting myself off from looking for Mr. Right. If he is already in my life, then he is going to have to step up to the plate and reveal himself to me. If I he isn’t already a part of my life, well, it’s going to take a miracle to find me.

And I’m ok with that.

It doesn't take a genius to see that he's just not that into me

What can I say but, Happy Sunday! I don't ever post on Sunday's but I was up stewing all night last night and therefore, had a brain full of stuff that I needed to get rid of...or vomit onto the pages of this blog...

I know I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I hate the word hate…but sometimes, it’s a necessity and there is absolutely no way around its use.

One of the things I hate most about myself is depending on someone and then being disappointed by that particular person’s behavior. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that people will disappoint us from time to time and I will even disappoint others from time to time too. But when I continue to open my heart and let the same people disappoint me over and over again…yeah, I really hate that about me.

It all started early in the New Year when I was dating Mr. Perfect for Me. (Oh wait, according to my dear friend JO, I need to create a new nickname for Mr. Perfect for Me, because he obviously wasn’t perfect for me…no, in the end he was a complete Jack Hole. So from here on out Mr. Perfect for Me will be referred to as Mr. Jack Hole.) Anyway, I was dating Mr. Jack Hole and suddenly, out of nowhere, Hot Fireman appeared…again, like usual.

You see, he has this pattern.
I like to call this pattern, the “he’s just not that into me pattern.”

We go out on a date, then we don’t see or talk to each other for weeks and then he comes back around and the process starts all over again. Very rarely does he ever follow through with a date. More often than not we make a plan to spend some time together, we spend a few days flirting and then, poof, he cancels on me at the last minute.

And he cancels with excuses that you can’t really be upset about. Because if you get upset about his reasons, it only makes you look like a tool. His three main excuses are, he has to work late, he doesn’t feel well, or he has to take his kids at the last minute. You see…all pretty legit.

But hearing these same excuses over and over and over again, really pisses me off.

And as expected, he did it again last night.

As I said before, he started contacting me again early in the new year and we finally got together for dinner the night before my birthday…two and half months after we first reconnected. I, unfortunately, ended up getting sick that night and had to cut our evening short, only to not hear from him again for almost three weeks.

Suddenly he appeared again earlier this week with the hopes that we could get together in the upcoming week. We made a plan for last night. And like clockwork, he cancelled on me at the last minute.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that before we got together for my birthday, he mentioned that he was taking himself off of the market and he wanted to try to see where things went with me, ...and then I didn’t hear from him again for 3 weeks…3 weeks people.

I have to be honest and tell you that I was excited about the prospect of dating him exclusively.

But his actions don’t speak “I want to pursue you exclusively.”

No no…his actions speak, “I call Julie whenever I think I have some free time, because I know she will be available, and then when something better comes along at the last minute, it’s ok to cancel on her because I know she will be waiting for me the next time I call.”

Yep…that’s what his actions speak to me.

And that reality sucks!

I’m 40…I know better!

He’s just not that into me.

Yeah me!

Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person

So I had another date last night, and all I can say is this…“what the hell is wrong with me?”

I can’t figure it out. I can’t quite put my finger on it. But I definitely have a problem.

…A serious problem.

You see, Mr. Good on Paper and Good in Person did everything right. First and foremost, before we even met, he instigated an actual phone conversation. And that says a lot in my book. We had a couple of conversations before we actually sent text messages or went out on a date.

I know, it’s crazy, isn’t it?

Kind of old fashioned, but I like it!

We planned to meet for drinks at a trendy club. He showed up on time. He looked nice. He dressed well. He was friendly. He was communicative. He was funny. He has his shit together. And most importantly, he not only asked questions, but he seemed genuinely interested in my answers.

I got a lot of information from him during our conversations. He is a hard worker. He is a great dad. He is well educated. He is a good businessman. He is outgoing. He likes to have fun. He is spontaneous.

He has met all of my criteria (except the height issue, but I’m working on that)! He is truly good on paper and good in person.

But…here’s the kicker…

I’m not feeling it. And I have no idea why…

We are going to dinner next week…and I’m determined to figure it out.

Wish me luck!

Does happiness cloud our minds

After my break up with Mr. Perfect for Me I did a lot of soul searching.

I realized that dating him was just a reminder of the fact that we, and by “we” I mean “women in general”, tend to get caught up in the moment when we are in what we think is a happy fulfilling relationship. We tend to overlook the little things, which often times end up becoming the deal breakers in relationships.

We can’t help it.

It’s in our nature.

During this period of soul searching, I came up with a list. A list of characteristics that I will no longer HEDGE on when it comes to the men in my life, no matter what my heart tells me! I have realized I have to grow up, take accountability for my behavior, my actions and most importantly, my heart.

CHARACTER
Reputation is the issue here, in family life, relationships, and profession. It can be seen most easily in what he will choose to do when he is all alone. It is the way in which he lives his life. Does he do what he says he is going to do? Does he follow through? Does he make good choices?

HONESTY
Does he keep his word? This is a tough thing to do all of the time, especially in relationships. Circumstances sidetrack us, other priorities take precedence and overwhelm our thinking. Bottom line, does he do the right thing?

PRINCIPLES
This, I consider the inner strength at the core of his heart. It is clear when we see how a man spends his money. Does he buy fancy cars or blow money on unnecessary things? I wholeheartedly believe you will find a man’s heart where his wallet is. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to splurge every once in a while, but typically how does he spend his money? Is it to impress you?

PEACEFUL HEART
I think peace is created by thought patterns. A man, whose actions come from his heart, is usually a peaceful man. Peace does not mean panic, or busyness. When the hurriedness of everyday life takes over, relationships tend to become dysfunctional. It’s ok to slow down and enjoy life. You don’t always have to be on the go.

BEHAVIOR
Discipline. I once heard it said that the “will to win” is not what wins the game. The game was won long before it was played. It’s the will to prepare to win that wins the game. I think that the willingness of a man to discipline his life is the key to success in not only business but relationships as well.

MATURITY
Maturity, it doesn’t come with years, it comes with the acceptance of responsibility and growth. Mature men don’t necessarily need to be recognized or esteemed in public. He acts mature because he believes maturity is right. But more importantly, he is consistent, decisive and strong.

FRIEND
Last but not least, being someone’s friend instead of just being friendly is the key. Being friendly accepts no responsibility for the other person’s feelings or wellbeing. While being a friend is someone who accepts the bonds and context of being someone your friend can depend on.

It’s sad as I look back at these characteristics. I can’t believe I would hedge on any of these, but I did…on all of them with Mr. Perfect for Me…and it took me getting out of that relationship before I realized it.

Happiness clouds our minds…and if it clouds our minds then are we really happy?

Hate is a strong word

There are not a lot of things in this world that I can actually say I hate. I may dislike things, but I don’t hate a lot. But do you know what I hate more than texting with a stranger before I have actually had a phone conversation with them?

I hate the fade out?


What is the fade out, you might ask?

It’s when someone you have met suddenly stops calling and drops off the face of the earth. It’s the weak man’s way around an uncomfortable conversation.

Most people I know, both men and women, have been on the receiving end of the fade out at one time or another in their lives. I have definitely had my fair share of men who have pulled the old fade out on me. I will admit it, it sucks! But it is what it is and we have no choice but to move on.

Most times I wish men had the balls to call and say they were no longer interested instead of stopping the flow of communication all together. I mean, we are all adults. I can take it if you aren’t interested in me. More often than not, I probably wasn’t all that interested in you either.

I’m not proud…I have just pulled the fade out on Mr. Smiles A lot.

I’ve never done it before, and I feel horribly guilty. I justify it by saying, we didn’t have a lot invested in each other, so I just didn’t feel like the confrontation was necessary. We had only been on one date and had a few awkward text conversations. That’s it. I knew within the first 2 minutes of our date that I wouldn’t be going out with him a 2nd time, but I didn’t have the balls to admit that when he said “we should do this again” at the end of the evening.

I didn’t want to be on the other end of hurting his feelings.

I didn’t want to have to answer the question, why not?

It’s not a good excuse, but it’s my excuse.

The Great (not so scientific) experiment, Part Deux

So I teased you all a little last week. Yep, I’m not proud, but sometimes that is what it takes to get you to come back to my blog…and I will do whatever it takes to get you to come back. It’s kind of like my dating life. I’ve learned over the years that if you don’t give it all up immediately, they always come back for more.

It’s no secret to anyone how much I loathe online dating. I don’t know of one person in my life that has had any long term relationship come of it. But I hear, all of the time, how successful it is for others. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met a couple of nice guys online in the past, but nothing that I could ever see as long term.

A couple of weeks ago, I was on my computer working on my book and it occurred to me that the two times I have done online dating in the past, I may not have put myself out there like I should have. So I logged on and did a search, as a man in my community, just to see what my competition would be.

And I was shocked, shocked at the women that were my competition.

I couldn’t believe some of the profile pictures that I came across. Barely clothed and lots of cleveage seemed to be the common theme for women between the ages of 35-45. No wonder I don’t have a lot of success with online dating. I tend to stay on the more conservative side when it comes to the pictures I post. You know, fully clothed, no bikini shots…just the basics. And it was these conservative pictures that got me connections with guys that were NOT my type whatsoever, well, except for Hot Fireman, but that unfortunately went down in flames quicker than it heated up.

Quite honestly, it was a gentle reminder to me that men are very visual creatures. And that is something that I try not to think about a lot.

So I decided to conduct another experiment. One I’m not totally proud of, but one I needed to conduct for peace of mind.

Two weeks ago I created two online dating profiles, as a test of sorts, to see what kind of traffic I could get to come my way. The only difference between the two profiles was the profile picture. Everything else was the exact same.

The first profile I created using this picture below as my profile picture.



This is me on a day to day basis. My hair is about 2-3 inches longer now than it is in this picture, otherwise, it’s me, a mom who values communication, laughter and honesty above all else.

The second profile I created using this picture below as my profile picture.



This is me getting ready to go on a rare night out with hair extensions in and a tank top on, otherwise, it’s me, a mom who values communication laughter and honesty above all else.

The first week I put up the first profile of me…my normal everyday look. And here is what I came across:

Total Connections (winks & emails)- 800 (all men)
Locations: connections came from all across the country, even though I specified a 20 mile radius
Average age: 48 (my suggested range was 37-45)
# of people worth persuing: 1

The second week I put up the second profile of me…my Barbie look, as I like to call it. And here is what I came across with that profile:

Total Connections (winks & emails)- 1,803 (1,797 men and 6 women)
Locations: connections came from all across the country, even though I specified a 20 mile radius
Average age: 36 (my suggested range was 37-45)
# of people worth persuing: 3

For those of you doing the math...the percentage of people worth persuing is less than 1%! The odds of finding Mr. Right online at this rate are slim to none.

Very discouraging!

The number one difference between the guys that contacted me in both profiles was the number of “never married” guys that contacted my “Barbie profile” over my normal every day profile. I would guess that 60% of the connections I made with the Barbie profile were listed as never married. And at 40, that is a total deal breaker for me. You see, when a man hasn’t been married by the time he is 40 it says to me that “the most important thing in my life so far has been me.” And I am not remotely interested in being the woman that has to break him of that characteristic.

Quite frankly, I’m just floored at the results of this little test. But it definitely answers a lot of my questions. I now understand why I will never meet my Prince Charming online.

It's sad that if you don’t look like a Barbie doll men just flat out aren’t interested in even giving you a chance.

And that’s ok. Because I'm not interested in meeting someone who just wants to meet me because I look like a Barbie doll. To these men I say, "to bad, so sad, missed out on what you could have had!"

Drama

So far turning 40 has been awesome!

Tonight is my official last birthday celebration and then life gets back to normal as I know it. And by “normal” I mean, working, hanging with my friends and family, carting my kids to and from their various activities, sitting in the bleachers on the weekends, and dating…all of which I do a pretty good job at…

…well, except for dating…sometimes, I question my ability to do this well.

When I dated in my teens and early twenties, it was full of drama. You know the kind of drama that makes you cringe as a 40 year old woman. Things like, sleeping with upperclassmen to become “popular”, stealing boyfriends/girlfriends from your friends, starting rumors about each other, those kinds of things.

Yeah, kind of makes your stomach churn at the memory, doesn’t it?

Well, what I’m realizing now is that even as an adult this kind of stuff still goes on. It’s crazy, but it does. You would think we all would have matured by now, but for the most part, adults still play high school games with each other. But NOT me! When I get the first whisper of high school games, I back off quick…like in a sprint!

I just can’t catch a break though.

All I am looking for is a nice, good looking, quality guy who wants to take dating seriously. I’m not interested in someone who can only date me once a month because his schedule is so busy, nor am I looking for someone who is so married to his career that he has no time for dating. I’m not looking for pen pals and text buddies. I’m also not looking to be someone’s warm body until their ex-wife decides she wants him back.

Nope…not interested in any of that crap!

But for some reason that’s the kind of man that I attract.

I recently got a couple of text messages from Mr. Perfect for Me, whom I have not talked to in weeks. I could tell he was pissed and that apparently I had done something to piss him off, but I had no clue what it was, until I talked to my friend who fixed us up. Apparently his ex-wife (whom he left me for) had apparently gotten some kind of email from me bashing her.

Of course, those of you that know me, know this is not my style. I take defeat gracefully. When a guy doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I move on. I don’t fight for him…ever! I want a guy that will fight for me, not one that I have to beg to be a part of my life. But, against my better judgment, I still spent the better part of yesterday fighting for my dignity and pride with Mr. Perfect for Me. I tried to convince him that the email wasn’t from me. He believed me, then he didn’t believe me, then he did, then he didn’t.

And then I realized I didn’t care anymore.

He and his ex-wife have always thrived on the drama in their lives, and this was just another drama induced episode for them. In fact my friend and I are convinced that his ex-wife is making this whole thing up as a test for him. Yeah, they are that crazy!

I am not a vindictive person. When I’m not wanted I move on…that’s it! So I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, deleted his contact information from my phone, deleted all of his pictures from my phone and computer, and threw away all of the things that he had ever given me during our relationship.

I’m not gonna lie, that process felt good.

It’s almost like he never existed!

And that makes me happy!

Mr. Smiles A lot

So I had a date last night.

It’s the 2nd date I have been on since ending my relationship with Mr. Perfect for Me a couple of months ago. Oh, wait…I guess it was my third date, if you count this one that I talked about last week.

I wasn’t all that excited about the date. Why, you might ask?

Well for starters…he reminded me of my cousin. I informed him of that during one of our many conversations.



Mr. Smiles A lot: So what is it about me that first caught your attention?

Me: You looked like my cousin. I wanted to look at your picture to see if it was him.

Mr. Smiles A lot: and do I look like him?

Me: Yes, very much.

Mr. Smiles A lot: So what’s his name?

Me: Chip

Mr. Smiles A lot:(reaching out to shake my hand) Hello Julie, you can call me Chip.

Me: (suddenly sick to my stomach at the perverted thought of dating my cousin)


After that comment, I ordered another drink. And then…this conversation came about…


Mr. Smiles A lot: I like your shoes

Me: Thanks! I don’t really wear high heels to work so I like to wear them when I go out.

Mr. Smiles A lot: They are awful pointy

Me: I know that’s why I like them

Mr. Smiles A lot: I only to wear high heels around the house. Ha Ha

Me: (suddenly sick to my stomach at the perverted thought of him prancing around his house in heels)

Yeah, by that time I had had enough, I decided to forgo the third drink and call it a night.

Can you blame me?