Hello lover...

Dear Blog,

Oh how I've missed you! I promise I will be back in full swing tomorrow. I hope you can forgive my distance. I will never take you for granted again.

XO,
He Who Laughs Last.


...stay tuned...I'm back in action and have a lot to say...check back tomorrow!

You can't throw the rope of love to someone who hates ropes

Recently I have been analyzing all aspects of my life from my job, to family, to friendships to relationships and I was reminded many times over not only how great my life is, but also how much it has changed over the years, specifically as it relates to my past relationships. I was reminiscing about how these relationships ended for the strict purpose of trying to find a pattern of some sort. But like normal my ADD kicked in and I got side tracked before I could conclude anything of any significance.

Do you want to know what I started thinking about, what got me side tracked? Dear John letters. Why, Dear John Letters you might ask? Honestly I have no idea, I can’t help that my mind wanders to such topics. All I know is that I just started laughing when I thought about the evolution of a Dear John letter as it could possibly relate to my life.

So, like normal, I thought I would share my twistedness with you…because let’s face it, that is why you are here, you like my twisted mind!

Enjoy!

My tween self

Dear John,

I guess we can’t go to the movies tonight because my dad said no. He said “no dating until you are 16”. I hate him.

You’re Friend, (my dad said we can still be friends as long as we go out in a group that is not coupled up)

Julie

My 15 year old self

Dear John,

You are a tool! Samantha said that you sent her a note during homeroom asking her for a slow dance at the Homecoming Dance. She said no because she knew I would be mad. At first I didn’t believe her because I thought she was trying to make me jealous. But then Carrie said it was true because she saw you writing the note. And then you acted weird to her at lunch.

Don’t ever contact me again!

Julie

My 18 year old self

Dear John,

I’m sorry I can’t go to prom with you. Kent just asked me to go and I have liked him like forever, but since he was going out with Christine, the slut, I didn’t think he liked me back. But it turns out he wasn’t really going out with Christine because when I asked him he was all like, “no way, she’s crazy” and I was like “but she said you were hooking up” and he was like “yeah, well she’s a liar” and I was like “I totally thought so.”

Let’s still be friends…like if you want

Julie

In my early twenties

My love Jonathan,

Hawaii is awesome! My parents are so uncool, but thank God I met some kids my age. Took a surfing lesson. Was told I was a natural. Gonna stay here and “hang 10” with the gang. My parents are pissed! If you ever come out this way stop by my room and I will give you tickets for half priced drinks (as long as Akoni isn’t around).

Aloha,

Julie

In my late twenties

Dear Johnnie Walker,

There is so much about our time together that I have enjoyed, unfortunately the time has come to part ways. I wish I could say that we will still be friends, but that would just be to difficult for me. Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you!

Good-by my love,

Julie

In my early thirties

From: Julie
To: Mr. John Smith
Date: Monday, January 7, 2005
Subject: Joke

Dear Mr. Smith,

Please use this as a request to stop sending me these inappropriate (not to mention chauvinistic) so-called “jokes” at work or you will leave me with no other choice but to forward these emails to Human Resources.

Respectfully Yours,

Julie

My current self

@John76 I’m Sorry, but I’m sure U saw this coming. #breaking up

Open Letters

Dear Lindsey,

Bottom line...you did the crime, you do the time! Just because you are a celebrity doesn't mean you can drive intoxicated, skip probation hearings, and avoid court orders.

Grow up and become accountable for your actions!

Love,
Me
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Dear Boss,

Attending company dinners and meetings on my time is not my idea of fun, no matter how excited your voice sounds when you ask me to attend.

Your Loyal Employee,
Julie
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Dear Hamilton & Gibson,

When I ground you from your iPod Touch and DS games because you aren't responsible enough to remember to bring them home from the restaurant, I'm doing it out of love. It doesn't mean that I don't like you, think your an idiot, or hate you. I am just trying to show you that there are always going to be consequences to your actions.

I love you no matter what!
Mom
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Dear Neighbors,

It's July 7th...enough with the fireworks already. My kids may never sleep if you don't stop setting them off past midnight. And if my kids don't sleep, it means I don't sleep, and when I don't sleep, I become very grumpy!

Happy July 7th!
Your Friendly Neighbor
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Dear Sleep,

Where art thou?

Love,
A Grumpy Julie
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Dear Stress,

Please go away! I am asking you nicely this time!

Love,
A Sleep Deprived Julie
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Dear Fellow Hueston Woods Creek Walkers,

Please, please, please pick up your trash. I beg you to stop throwing water bottles and cigarette butts into the creeks. It not only ruins the environment, but it also hampers my kids ability to have a good time because we spend most of our time picking up after your lazy asses!

Love,
An Environmentally Friendly Girl
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An Open Letter

Dear Future Mr.,

While I am anxiously awaiting your fairy tale arrival into my life, I feel like I should warn you that due to my amazing ability to be completely unprepared for the unexpected, chances are when we meet here in the near future, my hair will be a mess, I will look disheveled with a stain or two on my shirt and I will have probably mistaken you for the waiter, the salesman, an egomaniac, a married man or the lifeguard.

Please forgive me!

When you subtly hint at asking me out during one of our very entertaining, funny conversations please don’t take my “blank stare” reaction as one of not wanting to take you up on your offer. You see, it is so rare these days that I get asked out on a “date” date that I probably wouldn’t even know it if it hit me over the head with a big “obvious” sign attached.

But rest assured when I finally “get it” I can promise you I won’t show up to our date in a sleek, dark, shiny , spotless car, because cars never impressed me much. I will never be the girl who can impress you by talking about the horsepower, engine or size of rims. Heck I can’t even promise you my car will be clean. In fact, let me just lay it on the line for you right now, if you ever do get the opportunity to be a passenger in my car, you should be comfortable with the fact that the cheerios, goldfish and sucker sticks that adorn the floor of my car love to attach themselves to pants, shirts and jackets of unsuspecting passengers. I can also promise you that there will be a pair and a half of gloves, one broken window scraper, one empty air freshener, several half empty water bottles, football cards, McDonald's Happy Meal toys and a few books about God somewhere in the car.

I will be the girl who can off red lipstick, high heels and a dress with a neckline down to there, but only on the first date. After that there is more of a chance of me leaving the house in comfortable jeans and a shirt. I will never be around to watch baseball on TV with you and there is a huge possibility that I will scream frantically when something with four, six or eight legs goes scurrying across the floor. So please don’t laugh at me, because if you do, I might just have to bring up how you are scared of clowns just to even the score.

But seriously, it gets better.

I will tell you that I can cook. You will be thrilled at that statement until you actually see my version of cooking. It involves mostly items that you can take out of the freezer, pull the film back and heat in the microwave. On high. For five minutes. And the fact that I shout “holymothershitmothershitthat’shot” every single time I pull your dinner out of the microwave, will make you laugh at first, but trust me, it won’t take long for you to roll your eyes and get irritated that I just can’t seem to figure out that that dang plastic dish is gonna be hot!

Every once in a while I will try on a couple of different pairs of jeans before we go out and ask you which one make my butt look smaller. And if you say “they both look the same” or “your butt looks small in those, but your belly looks big (like Gibson often does)” I will kick your ass and then gently remind you which pair makes me look better. And when you ask me why I find it necessary to own 42 pair of jeans I will attempt to explain to you that they are all different. You will lose interest, possibly even dose off, heck, you might even look at me like you hear what I am saying. I will know you aren’t really interested in the answer, but I definitely appreciate you giving it your all and showing an interest. If you’re I might even show you my appreciation by letting you help me fold a load of those clean jeans.

But…

I will be the girl that makes you chicken noodle soup when you aren’t feeling well, I will run home at lunch to let your dog out when you get tied up at work. I will surprise you with breakfast in bed every once in a while. I will constantly remind you of how sexy I think you are. I will sing your praises to all my friends. I will love you unconditionally. I will remember the name of your favorite childhood game and first girl that ever broke your heart. I will drink beer with your friends, laugh at your jokes, and cherish our relationship.

We will be one of those cool couples that love to be with each other, but also understands the importance of alone time or time away with our friends. We will be one of those couples that enjoys PDA when we are the ones involved and laugh at those expressing PDA when we aren’t involved. We will try all of those Cosmo approved sex tricks that we sometimes laugh at but insist on trying. I won’t tell anyone that you like to dance if you won’t laugh at me every time I cry while watching a movie that I have already seen. I will stay up late watching sports with you and will tell my friends how lucky I am to have you.

Of course I realize that our initial meeting could go exactly like this or it may not. But I thought I should at least let you know in advance that I am less scared of you now than I once was. And when we do meet, I’m sure I will be charmed, that is of course, if I don’t mistake you for a salesman.

Looking forward to our first awkward encounter.

Inspired by this.

An open letter to John Edwards

Dear Schmo,

Bravo for admitting you had a sexual affair with one of your staffers. That takes guts!

Bravo for admitting (finally) that you fathered a child out of said affair. Your daughter will be so proud of you one day for taking so long to own up to that. (enter sarcasm punctuation here).

Frankly, I don’t know why I say Bravo to these admissions of guilt, because you certainly don’t deserve any kind of badge of honor for fessing up to them! In fact, I can’t believe it took you this long to publicly admit what you have known deep in your heart for some time. I shouldn’t even call these statements, admissions of guilt. I should be referring to these admissions the way Democrats like to refer to their sexual indescretions, as “being Presidential.” I often wonder if it took so long for you to admit that Quinn was your child because you were somehow trying to figure out a way to pin this indescrition on President Bush?

But these statements or admissions are not what irks me the most in your…ahem…circumstances. What irks me the most, is that you are admitting your faults via a third party. What kind of an example do you think this sets when you don’t even have the balls to own up to your actions. And don’t give me that crap that there are people involved and kids involved. I get that. However, I believe, there are proper ways to handle these indescritions with your children. But when you openly duped the people of this country into believing that you were the “best candidate” for the Presidency you made your life public! And once your life was made public, you owed us honesty! And we didn’t get honesty.

In fact, we still haven’t gotten honesty directly from you. We have heard your side of the story from your attorney, but I’m not buying it. Senator Edwards, you have a bad “people picker”, so how is it that I am supposed to trust your attorney , the one you have chosen, when he says things like, “Senator Edwards is very remorseful for his actions” or “Senator Edwards loves his wife dearly” or even “Senator Edwards kids have a full understanding of the situation.” Really? These things are ok coming from your attorney??? Oh Mr. Edwards, when will you ever learn?

Apparently not anytime soon because now you want us to believe that you did not use campaign funds to “buy off” the people involved in your sexual indescrestions. Seriously? In the past three years, Senator Edwards, you have cheated on your wife, had a baby out of wedlock, duped the American people, lied to your children, publicly denied being a father to one child, asked your friend to step up and claim paternity of said child, humiliated the mothers of all of your children, made a sex tape and more than likely used campaign funds in this scandal. I’m not saying that you did, but the odds are against you. Look at your record, it should speak for itself. So far you have lied and asked the American people, for forgiveness more than any human being I am aware of.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH Senator Edwards!

I am getting tired of your egotistical “it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission attitude.”

And we wonder why other countries don’t take us seriously. Get over your bad self Senator Edwards! Own up to what you have done, ask God for forgiveness and try to make something out of your life…for the sake of your beautiful kids who still look up to you and will one day remember that you were in a sticky situation and you chose to handle it correctly instead of politically.

Signed,
A concerned mother and citizen of the United States of America

Open Letters

Dear Hamilton and Gibson,

I am a much better communicator of the written word than I am of the spoken word. So I am hoping that when I write out the following statement (in all Caps, which of course means I am mad), that I will finally be heard. So here goes…

“IF ONE OF YOU PEES ON THE OTHER ONE MORE TIME WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM, YOU WILL BOTH BE DEAD MEAT”

I love you,
Mom
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Dear Dude in the Hummer riding my ass during the snow storm,

I would appreciate it if you would back up. I am very aware that you are behind me and my little 2010 Honda Accord on the snow covered roads. Believe me, I am aware! But here is a hint…I’m not going to drive any faster. So either pick up your speed and go over me, or turn on your turn signal and go around me.

Thank you,
Cautious driver
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Dear Teenage girls at Super Target,

You don’t look as cool as you think you do talking very loudly about how drunk you were at your friends New Years Eve Party. Believe me, it’s not cool when your 21 or 41 so it definitely isn’t cool when your still a teenager.

Unfortunately you will only appreciate this letter after you have had kids of your own.

Signed,
An unimpressed mom
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Dear Food Industry,

Tofu does not taste like chicken, low fat cheese does not taste the same as regular cheese and fat free ice cream, what the hell were you thinking. Stop trying to convince me otherwise. I’m not buying it. And those that are buying it are lying to you and to themselves!

Yours truly,
A Foodie
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Dear Scarlett Johannsen,

This letter is to inform you that you may divorce Ryan Reynolds at any time. I promise you I will be here with open arms to support him and love him through this difficult time. I can promise you that I will never hate you for setting him free.

Now, your singing career, on the other hand, I will hate you if you continue that…you are not good at it. Give it up. As I always say, if you really love something
(ie: Ryan and singing)you should set it free.

Love,
Ryan’s 2nd Wife
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Dear Toxic Friend,

I saw you on Friday at Panera. You looked sad. I wanted to hug you. I smiled at you but I don’t think you saw me. I miss you, but I also know that us not being friends is much better for me.

Hope you are well,
Hurt by your comments
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An open letter to Tiger

Dear Mr. Woods,

It seems you have had a very…ahemmm…”rough” week!

Upon first hearing about your “car accident” on Saturday, I thought…”how dare the media speculate about the reasons why you were leaving your house at 2:30am?” Quite frankly, it was none of their business. If you want to recklessly pull out of your driveway at all hours of the night and hit a tree and a fire hydrant on a private drive…it’s your right. If you were pulling out of your driveway like a bat out of hell while being chased by a woman who “went ghetto” on you with your beloved nine iron…it’s your prerogative…who am I to judge.

I know you and I aren’t close, at least not in the way that you are with Jamiee, Rachel, Kalika, and whomever else comes worming their way into the spotlight, but I feel like over the years I have gotten to know you pretty well through the media. And because I feel like I know you so well, I originally wanted to write you to wish you a speedy recovery. After all, I have grown up with you, I like knowing what happens to you because it makes you real…you are not alone…I was here to support you! But you blew it my friend!

At first, I thought it was just a slight domestic squabble with you and your beautiful wife. And when you graciously called your wife a “hero” for pulling your ass out of your car, I thought…”oh, what a sweet husband he must be” while secretly thinking to myself…this seems fishy. And then when you refused to answer any questions from the police, I thought “bravo…it’s no ones business what really happened.” I actually felt kind of sorry for you because the media was speculating so much. But upon waking on Monday morning…the speculation was more than just a domestic squabble. And between you and I, we both know that most of the time when a rumor brakes in the media, more often than not, it ends up being the truth.

So I quietly begged you to come forward and say something…anything to protect that beautiful family of yours. Seriously, if you don’t fess up…the media will have a hay day with you! But again, you choose to do nothing. And then the voice mail. What voice mail you may ask? Did you not think it would get out? Do you remember the one I am talking about…let me remind you…it’s the one where you are calling your “lover” begging her to remove her name from her phone because your wife found it in your phone…Seriously Tiger, what gives? What’s wrong with you removing her number from your phone completely and focusing on healing a relationship that you totally screwed up? Why is it her responsibility to help you cover your ass for your mistake? You are a role model…you get paid billions of dollars…why can’t you keep “it” in your pants and do your job and be a faithful husband?

But my question to you now Tiger is why wait to confess? Haven’t you learned anything from others that have chosen to handle their situations in the same way you have handled yours? Look at John Edwards…he denied…denied…denied…and look where he is…finished! Look at Bill Clinton…because he didn’t know what the meaning of the word “is” was he ended up in impeachment hearings. And what about Chris Brown…his cover up has probably cost him the chance at a very lucrative career…now he has to settle for a mediocre career. And don’t get me started on OJ Simpson…I’m not gonna go there.

Tiger, I am begging you! Please take the bull by the horns and tell the truth. Save your family…save your career…admit what you did was wrong and let us know that you will never do it again. Look at Hugh Grant. Do you remember him? He was caught with, a hooker while dating Elizabeth Hurley. The best thing he did was fess up, and apologize immediately…He lost the girl but look at his career…it’s booming! If you do what is right, people will forgive you…God will redeem you! If you don’t, this will haunt you for a very long time and you will spend many more years cleaning up this mess.

I beg you...be a MAN…admit your wrong doings!

A true fan,
Julie

PS: Please don’t call me asking me to remove my name from my phone…I’m not gonna do it! If Elin calls me I will tell her the truth and recommend that she use a driver and not an iron the next time she wants to beat the crap out of you!

Open Letters

Dear Invited Guests to Gibson’s 6th Birthday Party,

You’re right…the football field was small, but it was as big as I could make it. I don’t have an NFL size back yard, therefore, I cannot spray paint an NFL size football field in my back yard. Stop bitching and enjoy the day, after all, it was made for a six year old boy!.

Thanks,
The girl who feels under appreciated for her hard work and creative ideas
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Dear Blind Date from Saturday Night,

You were a super nice guy, however, you just reminded me way to much of my ex-husband and I don’t think I could ever get past that.

Thanks for dinner,
The girl with memories
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Dear Hamilton & Gibson,

I am sorry…this is not how I wanted to spend the summer. I was hoping to be able to take you on a fun fantabulous vacation of sorts. I imagined having the money to do this. Instead all I was able to offer you were a couple of day trips here and there. You said they were the best days ever, but I had greater hopes for our summer.

Here’s hoping for a better summer next year!

Love,
Your mom that tries to do it all
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Dear Boy…you know who you are,

If you wait for perfect conditions…life will happen around you…and once you realize that, it will be to late!

Love,
Frustrated girl in Indy
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Dear Former Mr.

It is ok to converse with me…I won’t bite! It is ok to look at me in other ways than the judgmental ways that you do…I won’t bite! You aren’t all that you think you are!

Love,
The one that is happy she got away!
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Dear God,

I’m trying! I really am! I am feeling like you are trying to teach me something, perhaps how to be strong. I don’t know. I thought I was strong, but these days, if it’s not one thing it’s another.

My marriage failed…I bounced back. I got my act together, got a great job, am supporting my kids and trying to figure out what you have in store for my future. I made some forays into dating and so far have failed miserably…to many losers, to many rejections!

All I ask is that you give me a little hint…a hint of something to look forward to…something positive that will make my days easier. Please tell me that something good is around the corner!

Thanks,
ME
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