Always a bridesmaid, but never one who shits in the street

It was a pee your pants funny kind of movie.

Ok, at my age everything is pee your pants worthy. You know, by the time you’ve had a couple of kids it just gets harder and harder to control.

Sexy, huh?

It’s no wonder I’m still single.

Anyway, enough about my bodily functions and back to the movie.

I have to say, I haven’t laughed this hard at a movie…ever! I laughed from the very first scene to the last scene.

A few times, in fact, I laughed so hard I cried.

And sadly enough, quite a few times I just cried. I didn’t sob uncontrollably or anything like that, but I did get teary eyed.

I cried, because I saw the reality of my life in Annie…and it wasn’t pretty. In fact, a couple of times it was embarrassing. From her relationship with her “eff buddy”, aka Hot Fireman in my life, to the reality that the lives of her friends are so much better than her crappy life.

But the worst is that as the movie went along I saw a lot of myself in Annie, the sad, lonely and pathetic part.

John Hamm played her eff buddy. A lot like my relationship with the Hot Fireman, Annie wanted nothing more than for him to like her for more than just a warm body. She convinced herself that what they had was awesome because he was so hot, even though she felt like crap after each time that they were together. She felt like crap because she knew deep down inside that she wanted more than he was willing to give her, and she was willing to settle for that. And because she was settling, she was closing the door to potential good guys, aka, Officer Rhodes in the movie.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when Lillian, the Bride and Annie’s best friend, said to Annie, “You are a total catch. Any guy would be psyched to be your man. You should just make room for someone who is nice to you.” My friends have been saying that to me all along, but it’s funny how it takes a total stranger for it to hit home.

So, to my girls…my new motto in life is this…”it’s happening, it’s happening, oh God, it’s happening!”

Lessons Learned the Memorial Day Edition

I include my Ex on the neighborhood pool membership every year. This year, however, we were listed as The Ex & Julie + our last name, on the key tag. It made me feel weird.

Also available in the tampon machine in the bathroom of my local movie theater; Purdue face tattoos, lip gloss glitter, sour candy and ibuprofen. Who would have thought?

The Midwest seems to be back on good terms with Mother Nature…knock on wood!

My attention span for bored little boys on long weekends is very limited.

75% of my life (friends, family and job) is AWESOME, it’s the remaining 25% that I continue to struggle with.

I always feel like a new woman after a fresh manicure and pedicure.

I hate spring cleaning but my house always looks so good when it’s done.

Ryan Reynolds is in a movie with Jason Bateman coming out in July. The movie looks stupid but I will still pay top dollar to see it.

There is nothing like a few pots with gorgeous flowers to dress up my trashy looking lawn.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out my stupid showerhead. I wish I had a handyman that could not only take care of that but take care of me too!

At 40, I still cannot throw a Frisbee!

They always come back…it’s a fact, they just do!

Participating in my first Warrior Dash in August with my girlfriends excites me yet scares me at the same time too.

Vacuuming a 3600 square foot house in 90 degree weather is a workout in itself...who needs a gym membership?

Sheila-isms

I don’t know if you are like me, but I have a ton of friends. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I just seem to surround myself with lots of good people. And because I have so many, again, not tooting my own horn, I tend to have them categorized. My three categories of friends are: lifelong, besties, and the girl.

“The girl” I am referring to is Sheila. Sheila has been my dear friend for many years. I met her three or four months into my separation with my Ex. From the first moment we met, shopping for clothes at TJMaxx, I knew we would be lifelong buddies. You see when we met she had just moved to my neck of the woods from Arizona (she has since moved back). It was the dead of winter and we were hysterically laughing in the asiles of the store as she was frantically looking for a sweater to buy. We were headed out for the evening in what seemed like below zero weather and she was wearing a cute pair of pants and a tank top, bless her heart,…she eventually caught on to the dress code of the Midwest, but it took a little while.

From that evening on we were attached at the hip. She was a HUGE support for me through my divorce. I know I can always count on her to have my back, pick me up when I’m down, and just make me laugh for no reason at all. I LOVE THIS GIRL!

Because she lives in Arizona, and I’m almost 40 it is often very difficult for us to communicate. I know, I know, you are probably asking yourself how her living in Arizona and me almost being 40 could hamper our level of communication.

Well, remember yesterday’s post when I waffled back and forth about maybe being old and maybe not being old? I mentioned that I like to be in bed around 9 or 10…and with a three hour time difference between Indiana and Arizona, Sheila usually isn’t even off of work by the time I go to bed. If that doesn’t make me sound old, I don’t know what else would. Bottom line, it is difficult for us to even connect on the phone. We always joke around that we are having a love affair with each other’s voice mails.

Anywho…six paragraphs in and I think I better get to the topic of this post. Sheila and I finally connected on Wednesday night after what seemed like weeks of trying to have a phone conversation. And as usual, the phone call ended up being a pep talk for both of us…she is my biggest cheerleader, as I am hers! And as we were talking I was making note of all of the hysterical shit she says and I thought I would share them with you.

I kid you not, these things just roll off her tongue, mid sentence…

“Stick a flag on your forehead and do it for your country!”

“Build a bridge and get over it!”

“We don’t have to date pigs to get a little sausage!”

“Remember you are the prize, and they have to be a winner, not a wiener, to have the privilege of dating you.”

“Shut the front door.”

“Don’t piss in my ear and tell me it’s raining!”

(said in a strong southern accent) “Whoo wee…you could make a jack rabbit hug a hound dog.”

And my most favorite line of all…”You know I love you more than a fat kid loves cake?”

Many of these statements were said to me in our conversation this week as she was pepping me up and preparing me for a conversation that I was stressed about having with someone. And she has left me a voice mail message this morning. I’m sure it is full of more Sheila-ism, because she knows they always make me smile.

Do I need to say it again? I LOVE THIS GIRL! Every girl needs a Sheila in her life!

It's your party and I'll text if I want to

A couple of months ago I was invited to a 40th birthday party for a friend of mine at a local bar. I’m not much of a party goer so I never RSVP’d to the event. I’m the kind of person that is 100% in if I RSVP and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to commit to going so I didn’t respond.

At the last minute I decided to go.

When I arrived I felt like I was attending a “texting party”. What is a texting party, you might ask? According to the Urban Dictionary it’s a social gathering in which people text those that are not at the party more than they socialize with others in the room.

The party wasn’t officially labeled a “texting party”. It’s not like I got an invitation that read: You’re invited to Brad’s 40th Birthday Party where there will be only texting and no socializing… But as I looked around the room I began to wonder why any of these iPhone, Droid and Blackberry using people even bothered to show up if all they were going to do was text other people.

But more importantly, I wondered why this type of behavior has become so socially acceptable? Why would people attend a party and text those that were not there rather than talk to people that were there?

Quite honestly, I wanted nothing more than to be at home in bed… (sorry Brad…really it was a great party, once everyone warmed up and stopped texting!)

While I was standing by the bar waiting to finish my conversation with a friend (who, by the way, had stopped in the middle of our conversation to read and send a text to someone who wasn’t at the party)I started thinking, what would happen if I had shown up to the party with a mini DVD player, put on my pajamas and started watching a movie? It would have been just as inappropriate as what the texters were doing, right? To me nothing says “I don’t want to be here” more than someone that is texting while in my presence. I recently went on a date with someone who was texting through some of it and it pissed me off!

I can understand a text here and there, but to carry on a complete conversation with one person while in the presence of another is just plain rude! I really hate it when I see groups of people incessantly clicking away on those little itty bitty keyboards like a bunch of journalists struggling to get that hot story in before the paper goes to press at midnight.

The funny thing is that had the recipients of these texts actually been in the same room as the people who were texting them, they would probably be texting other people entirely…

Think about it…it’s a viscious cycle that seems never ending!

Accept bullshit...receive bullshit

It’s me…I’m back!

I’m still swamped at work.

I’m still frustrated with my personal life.

It’s still hot here in the Midwest.

But, I’m back…and I have a lot to say!

The past month has just been crazy busy for me as I’m sure it has for many of you. My problem is that I have never had a whole month like this, especially in the summer when things are supposed to be a little more laid back and relaxed. Thankfully, my kids were on vacation with their dad last week and it allowed me some time to catch a breath and focus on the important things in my life…my friends!

Yeah for true friends!

Even though I have been super swamped the lessons I have learned, in the hecticness that has become my life, did not go unnoticed.

Lessons like:

• When you are in need of friends, your true friends step up to the plate no matter how busy their lives are.

• If you think you are busy, nine times out of ten your friends are busier.

• I DO NOT, let me repeat, DO NOT have a lot of patience for chaos

But, by far, the most important lesson I learned during this stressful season in my life is this…

• It is me that teaches people how to treat me. If I accept bull shit, I will only receive bull shit.

I know, I know…it’s a simple thought, but one I often forget.

You see, my problem is that I am stuck in my life long pattern of taking way too much from others. So much so that I take it until I can’t take it anymore and then just end up getting so frustrated and walk away completely. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the only way that I seem to be able to function in these dysfunctional relationships that I get myself into.

As you have read in my past posts, I consider myself to be a caregiver of sorts. I tend to latch onto those that may not have the perfect lives. I tend to want to jump in and be the rescurer, the nurturer, the shoulder to cry on, the one that helps them get through the tough times. Yet I am always shocked when they hang me out on my own once they have gotten back on the straight and narrow.

It’s like clockwork. It happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!

And it happened again this weekend. I got hung out to dry by someone whom I thought was becoming a great friend. But what I realized is that our friendship was very one sided. He used me to get through the last few months of his very rough divorce and then threw me out when he was done with me. And quite frankly, that pisses me off. In fact, I can remember the exact moment at dinner on Saturday night that I knew I was done and had completely checked out. It was when he actually called me “coach” when discussing the finality of his divorce. I realized at that moment that I would probably never ever hear from him again.

And here it is Monday…and not a peep! And I’m ok with that. Because I am done accepting bull shit as a standard in my life!

It was an accident, honest

I have this great group of friends whom I adore more than anything in this world.

In fact, I don’t know what I would do without them. I would never have survived my divorce without each and every one of them. They all contributed to my survival in their own way. I love them dearly, but sometimes they can be sneaky and do the unthinkable.

One of them, and I have no idea who, has put in a basic profile for me on cougarlife.com. I don’t have proof that any of them did it, no one seems suspicious. But as of late I have been getting emails saying “so and so” is interested in your profile at CougarLife. I would never ever ever, in a million years sign myself up for this. In fact, I have never even heard of it until I started getting emails from them. So I have no choice but to blame my whole core of friends. That is, until someone is brave enough to step forward and fess up.

I’m not mad…just amused.

I was deleting 4 or 5 emails a day from my inbox without even looking at them. Honestly, I had no interest in being a part of this website…let alone dating a cougar cub. But, eventually my interest was peaked. But only peaked in a way that I was curious as to what my friend(s) said in my profile to get so many “hits”.

So I decided late last week to check out my profile…and was SHOCKED at what I found. Here it is below...



(this is my picture)
Profile Headline: “It’s not you, it’s me”
Age: 38
Hometown: Nowhere, IN
About me: single

That’s it…that’s all my profile said about me. And it is this profile that gets 4-5 hits a day, but not just hits…I get email’s with statements like this…

“You seem intriguing, would love to meet you”

“Love your profile, can we connect”

“You seem like a woman of many words, would you like to chat?”

And the best one I’ve gotten was the second one from a very cute guy in my area. He sent it at 5pm last Friday and it said

“You are HOT! Can we catch a drink tonight?”

Wow…I don’t know about you, but that email alone makes me want to run a brush through my hair, put on some lipstick and go meet my prince charming.

As embarrassing as this may sound, I decided, for kicks, to click on this guys profile and read more about him. And I have never ever laughed so hard in my life…

For starters he was very attractive…my type totally. Tall, good looking, active, full head of soft looking hair, 35 yrs old, and had a graduate degree. “Not bad” was my first thought…then I read on…

ABOUT ME: Attending seminary school studying psychotherapy and theology. I have a love/hate relationship with God. If you are interested, which I assume you are, we can talk about that stuff later.

I’M LOOKING FOR: Hook ups, but I’m into getting to know someone too. I’m not going to date a boring person, I’ve seen and done to much with my life. Oh, I’m looking for adventure too. Since moving to Nowhere, IN I’ve been bored out of my mind. Email me if you are interested

Well, I don’t know about you, but I wanted to run straight to my keyboard and respond to his fantastically written profile. Wow! Who wouldn’t want to date a guy that may or may not like God, but is totally into hook-ups and adventurous women…He’s a 10 in my book!

So for those of you out there that are in happy marriages, I give you my life!

For those of you that are thinking of leaving your spouses to experience the life of a single person, I tell you that this is probably one of the best profiles I’ve seen in a long time…I kid you not! The men that are dating online, don’t get much better than this. (read with heavy sarcasm)

Charming, isn’t it?

Wake up boys, I'm the package that good things come in

I'm so excited to be guest posting at Southern Momentum today. Come check out my views on Father's Day.

Now on to today's rant...

Distraction…

Is that what I have become to the people in my life?

My friend in Cincinnati seems to think that. He actually called me a “distraction” yesterday when he text me to talk about a tough situation he is currently in. I was pissed at that comment and haven’t replied to him since. I’m also in the middle of another situation in my life where I am beginning to feel like a distraction of sorts.

I’m frustrated!

Why is it that people always seem to use me for my emotional support and then spit me out when they are through with their crisis? Why is it that I always seem to be the rescurer of all? A life preserver of sorts? And while I am spending my time picking them up, dressing their wounds, and being someone they can count on, I can’t seem to keep my own head above water when it comes to my own life?

You see, I have always been this way. It’s a trait I get from my dad. Ever since I can remember, my dad was always a caregiver. He was a natural when it came to taking care of people, whether they be sick, stranded, or in tough situations. He was always there with open arms, no expectations, no acknowledgement necessary, he is just always glad to help out.

When his parents were sick, he was constantly by their bedside caring for them. When my mom was sick he dropped everything and took care of her until the day she died. When my ex walked out on our family, he was ringing the doorbell waiting to pick up the pieces. He’s just cool like that.

I LOVE this trait in my dad.

I HATE this trait in me.

Like I said, I get it honestly. In fact, it’s a quality I hope my kids get. I see it a little bit in Hamilton, my oldest. Gibson is still too young to know any different. There is nothing a mother of boys could want more than to raise a caring, compassionate son who steps up to the plate when needed. No ifs ands or buts. My grandma, my dad’s mom, I’m sure was proud of the son she raised in my dad, but just in case she wasn’t before her passing, she would definitely be proud of him now.

The problem with this quality is that the “caregiver” is usually the one who gets hurt in the end. Whether it be the person they are helping dies, or gets what they need and moves on. Either way, it just doesn’t seem fair.

This is where I get frustrated with men in my life.

You see, I’m the kind of girl that doesn’t like to see anyone hurting. So when someone comes into my life that is hurting, I tend to want to drop everything and help, be a support and pick up the pieces for them. I want to do whatever is necessary to make that person feel better and stop hurting, no matter what it may do to me in the meantime. I can’t help it, I’m just that way. I know that is how God created me to live.

And I’m ok with that.

Somedays.

But I ask this question…why does it always feel like I get burned in the end? These men get what they need and gradually stop calling…gradually stop needing me…gradually stop communicating until they eventually fall off the radar and I am left to pick up the pieces of a broken heart. Not necessarily a broken heart in the love sense, but in the sense of the reality of knowing that I don’t have that person in my life to help me pick up my pieces when times get tough for me.

So it begs the question, who do I turn to? Who is my caregiver, the person that will drop everything for me? That’s one of the reasons I loved being married…I was always guaranteed to have that someone to wrap me up in a big bear hug and tell me that everything was going to be ok. That’s all I need, but I can’t seem to get that. Sure, they all say they will be that person…but the reality of it is…they don’t and if they do, it’s usually too late.

I know this is a good quality to have, but I hate that I have it.

That’s a very selfish statement, I know.

But it is what it is and I can’t help the way I feel.

Heck, I’m owning my selfishness and moving on…at least with me, you know where you stand!

What's not to like

I like people:who are interested in the answers I give to the questions they ask, who put things back where they belong after they are done using them,who don't judge, who give me a task and trust that I will complete it, who notice the little things, who appreciate a good woman when they see one, who value the meaning of family, who give more than they receive, who know that true friendship is a two way street and not a one way path, who like to laugh, who love to love, who are open to change in their lives, who see the good in people and acknowledge it, who help the needy and poor, who love God above all others, who can laugh at themselves, who are compassionate, who make me feel special,wanted and needed, who follow their dreams, who set goals and strive for them, who take risks for love, who love kids, who are strong, who aren't afraid to stand up for themselves and others, who are beautiful on the inside, who understand the importance of family, who understand that live is about the little things, who aren't afraid to express their feelings, who aren't afraid of their emotions, who genuinely want to get to know me...the real me, who can make me smile, who make me feel safe, who aren't afraid to tell the truth.

That's how Julie C's it

I am 39 years young. In those 39 years I have always been a rule follower. Growing up I always did the sensible thing, I was always where I told my parents I would be, and I never missed curfew. Well except for the one time when my best friend and I drove my mom’s convertible camaro downtown for some fraternity convention and picked up a couple of guys that “made us late for our curfew”. I remember dropping my friend off at her house very early in the morning and peeling out of the driveway because I didn’t want to confront her mom who was waiting on the steps for her…ummm, us. I felt bad letting my friend take the heat for that, but I soon forgot about the heat she was taking when I got home to both of my parents angrily awaiting my arrival.

Nowadays (does that word make me sound old, or what?) my life doesn’t really include a lot of adventure. I am a single mom raising two boys struggling to find the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t have time for anything else.

In the five years since I’ve been divorced I’ve noticed a pattern among the men I have found myself attracted to: emotionally unavailable!

They are either in love with someone who isn’t in love with them, newly divorced and just want to sow their wild oats, or “not in a good place in their lives.” Quite frankly, I’m sick to death of this pattern. I often ask myself, why these men are the men that I am attracted to? Why can’t I find the guy that actually wants to be married and find someone to share his life with? Does that man even exist? Or maybe, just maybe, I am attracted to these men who can’t commit because it will make me feel better in the long run when a relationship doesn’t work out. Or maybe I am attracted to commitment phobes because I myself am a possible commitment phobe and just don’t know it yet? Hmmmm….

My problem is, more often than not, I get stuck in the friendship zone while waiting for these guys to grow up and figure out what they want in life. I eventually become the fist popping girl that they can count on at the last minute to fill the void in their evenings. I’m the one they call to go see a movie with when they don’t want to go alone, or the girl that likes to have a few drinks, listen to live music and not expect anything at the end of the evening. In the back of my mind I am “waiting out” their life phases, in the back of their minds, we are creating great friendships. But if I were being honest with you, without sounding like a complete b*&%$, I would tell you that I really don’t have time for phone buddies, text relationships, and pen pals. I barely have enough time in my life to nurture my true friendships and raise my kids.

But what is a girl to do?

I may not know what I am supposed to do, but I can tell you what I am going to do…

I’m going to take a stand! And by “take a stand” I mean take action…so last night I gave myself a little pep talk and decided to try and accomplish #71 on my “101 things to do in 1001 days”(yeah for me, $10 more into the “bucket jar”).

Goal #71: Ask a cute boy on a date

I bought concert tickets to one of my favorite bands this summer and I casually said to a friend of mine, “you should go with me.” And he flat out rejected me by saying he couldn’t commit to it right now because the next three months of his life were very busy. He doesn’t have a lot of free time, and what free time he has is usually unexpected and last minute. I was floored! I can’t believe someone can’t find 2 hours in their schedule three months down the road…In fact, I often think in situations like this, if he really wanted to go with me, he would find a way to make it happen.” If the roles were reversed and I really wanted to go to this concert with him, I would make it happen. And it’s these thoughts that I usually fester on and let chip away at the self esteem I have so desperately tried to work on.

Bottom line…you live and learn. What have I learned, you might ask?

1. I have learned that I will never ever ask a cute boy out on a date again.

2. I have learned that great friendships are two sided, both parties must give and take equally.

3. I have learned that if a friendship becomes lopsided, it may not be a true friendship and usually only ends up fulfilling the needs of one of the parties involved.

4. I have learned that true friendships involve more than just text conversations, emails, and phone calls.

5. I have learned that it is virtually impossible to create good “friendships” with people of the opposite sex.

And there you have it! That’s how Julie C’s it!

In 30 years

The other day I was flipping through the channels and came across a show that caught my attention. It was one of those news shows like 48 Hours or 60 minutes. They were doing a story on the friendships of women. In this particular story they were talking about how much women value their friends and often fight harder for these relationships than they do their own marriages. This struck me as odd, but it was also reassuring at the same time.

You see, I have the BEST friends in the world. I know most women would say that about their friends, but I can honestly say, none are better than mine. I have SuperMom, my best bud of all time whom I have been friends with for 30+ years. I have my best “single girlfriend” who lives in Arizona that keeps me sane through all of her voice mails, texts messages and emails.

And then I have my core group of friends that I cherish more than anything. Some of us have been friends longer than others but as a core group we have all been friends for about 8 years. I value these women more than life itself. I would do anything for them and they would do anything for me. Between us we have 22 kids.

A few years ago we went to New York for a long weekend to celebrate the 40th birthday’s of some of the girls and we thought we were so cool when we told people that we had 21 kids (at the time) between the 7 of us…the waitress at Crackle Barrel, however, didn’t think it was so cool. I don’t think the boys in the bars would have thought we were that cool either, so we chose not to share that particular statistic with many people.

I look forward to any day that I get to see any of my friends. Because we are all so busy with our kids and jobs it is sometimes tough to make time for each other. But we try our darndest to get together at least once a month.

My favorite gathering is always our Cookie Exchange in December. We come together to celebrate our friendship, our lives, and the meaning of the season. Each year I get a little teary eyed as I look back at all of the events in our lives that we have celebrated, cherished, laughed at and cried over. We have been there for each other through our marriages, children, divorce, sick parents, vacations, deaths, 40th birthdays, illnesses, triumphs, disappointments and challenges. Everything that friends go through, we go through together.

The best part of our friendship is when I think about being friends with these women for another 30+ years. My heart is overflowing with emotion at that thought.

These girls are my angels.

My heart.

They are my home...my rock.

I feel so very lucky to be surrounded by such amazing friends. After all, it’s not every day that you surround yourself with the type of friends that would march over to your ex-husbands house with billy clubs prepared to rip his toe nails out one by one if asked.

"Friendship isn't a big thing, it's a million different little things." -Author Unknown

Friendships are like a two way street, not a highway and a bike path

I had dinner this past weekend with a really great friend. For the sake of this article let’s call her “Lovely Gal.” Lovely Gal and I have known each other only a few years but our connection was instant upon our first meeting. She is a single mom, like me who works hard to support her family, like me, and struggles with the work/life balance, like me.

Lovely Gal and I really bonded and connected through our friendship with Toxic Friend. You remember Toxic Friend? She’s the one I had to back away from late last year because of some hurtful comments she made about another friend of mine. Well, long story short, having dinner with Lovely Gal made me start thinking about the people in my life, especially Toxic Friend, that I have had to walk away from and how sad it makes me.

I will admit I’m not good at walking away, giving up, or putting myself first, but in the case of Toxic Friend, I had to force myself to put me first. I didn’t take walking away from my friendship with her lightly, quite the contrary, it was one of the most difficult decisions of my life because I knew when I walked away from Toxic Friend I would not only be walking away from one of my dearest friends but I would also be walking away from my core group of single friends whom I had grown to love with all my heart.

I think about Toxic Friend often and how I basically blogged about the demise of our friendship instead of talking to her openly about it. But honestly I was fed up and tired of fighting a never ending battle with her. You see, every time I would try to mention to Toxic Friend how her comments about another friend of mine were hurtful to me all she could do was offer me books and research material about why she said the things she did about my friend. She never once took into consideration how her comments were hurtful to me. Oh no, she was just more worried about me agreeing with the hurtful things she was saying about my friend.

And that is when I decided to take a deeper look into my friendship with Toxic Friend. And quite frankly, I didn’t like what I was seeing. I saw a person that I had loved, stood by, championed, leaned on, and laughed with but never once did I feel like those feelings were reciprocated about me. I got frustrated with what I like to call our “one sided” friendship and realized that I had to throw in the towel.

I realized that our friendship had been taking me down a path that I was no longer willing to travel anymore. I was fed up with Self Destruction Street and Deniability Drive. I no longer wanted to travel those roads. I wanted to somehow find my way to Happiness Highway and I knew that being friends with Toxic Friend would prevent me from going that direction. I could no longer drive down those dead ends with her any longer. I couldn’t participate, I couldn’t watch anymore. I had to take a U Turn and evaluate the direction I had been going.

To this day I still feel bad about how our friendship ended, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, my weekends are lonely and not as much fun as they used to be, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I am still hurt and saddened for the rode that Toxic Friend is on, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I think about Toxic Friend daily, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I love Toxic Friend dearly, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

To this day, I miss her desperately, but I am a much better person without her in my life.

No judgment allowed

All I can say is whew…these past couple of weeks have been crazy! Only (1) more day until a twelve day “stay-cation” for me! Woot! Woot!

November-January are considered my “busy months” at work. Why does the term “busy month” make me sound like an accountant? Anyway, I will admit, but only to you guys, that I am totally struggling to keep my head above water. I swore in the beginning when I decided to blog that I wouldn’t use this format as a bitch session and so far, I think I have done a pretty good job of being true to my original plan. However, today is different! I can’t hold it in anymore and have decided to use this blog to get something off of my chest.

My topic today is a doozey. I’m warning you now that this post is LONG. So here is your chance to back out…no hard feelings…I promise! Anyway, today I want to talk to you about my biggest pet peeve in the whole world…ok, maybe even the universe. I know, some of you are probably thinking, “here she goes”, but this, I can assure you, is a topic that I have never written about before. I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Today’s post is about jumping to conclusions about people before you actually get to know them, or in lay mans terms…JUDGMENT!

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents instilled in me the capability of getting to know someone before I made any strong conclusions about who they are, and because of this value, I think I am a fairly good judge of people. I have only had a few people, in the span of my life, that I have been wrong about. But one thing is for sure, I do my research and/or really get to know someone before I pass any kind of judgment on them. And I mean MY research…not things that people have fed me or told me…my honest to goodness own research. I don’t EVER let people put words into my mouth. What ever I spill, you can guarantee is from me…from my heart!

Ok…so why am I bringing this topic up, you might ask? Well, last week I had an incident with a friend of mine who made a snap judgment about another friend of mine that is so untrue. It is so totally off the wall that I have taken complete 100% offense to the comment, and it had nothing to do with me. My purpose for talking about it today is just to get it off my chest! I have been up for nights thinking about this particular text conversation and I know if I write about it and vent about it, it will help me get over it and move on… I promise…this will be the only time you hear about this from me.

It all started earlier in the week last week when my friend (who will further be known as “Friend A”) sent me the following text.

Friend A: Do you have an email addy for “Friend B”? “Friend C” wants to get in touch with “Friend B”.

And before I could respond to her I got another text from “Friend A” that said this.

Friend A: I was at an event with “Friend B” and “Friend C”, and “Friend B” was weirding me out, like over the top weirding me out.

I was a little confused and thought I may need some clarification on who exactly “Friend A” was talking about and what “weirding me out” actually meant. I wanted to make sure I was clear in my understanding of what she was trying to relay to me. So here is how our text conversation went down.

Me: Who was wierding you out? “Friend B”?

Friend A: dude, “Friend B” creeps me out and my gut was screaming BIG TIME ADDICT.

At this time I was no longer confused I was PISSED! After all, “Friend A” barely knows “Friend B”. So how can she claim him to be an addict, of any kind? I didn’t know how to respond. But what I decided is that I didn’t want to get into a heated debate because clearly I was pissed that she was jumping to conclusions about a friend of mine, whom she barely knows. I needed time to step back, and organize my thoughts so that we could have an adult conversation about these harsh statements. So here is how the rest of our text conversation went.

Me: “Friend B” has an email address, but no longer has internet connection so I don’t know if he would get the message or not. (this is me…being calm…breathing deeply, answering “Friend A’s” original question and not saying what I really wanted to say)

Friend A: SA. (translation: sex addict). KNEW it. That dude creeps me out…love that my gut is right on target! Phone# then?

Me: I take complete offense to this statement! “Friend B” IS NOT A SEX ADDICT! (here I go…I couldn’t remain calm…no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do it!)

Friend A: clearly his not having internet is proof!!! Jules, I know this because of years of counseling on this subject. SA IS VERY COMMON. Sorry to have offended you.

Me: Obviously you don’t know “Friend B”! He stopped his cable/internet because the cost went up and the expense was not justifiable to how much he used it.

Friend A: free gmail account through the library . Don’t take it to personally Julie. You need to do research on SA.

Ok…let me stop this conversation right here. So if I understand “Friend A” correctly… because “Friend B” has a free gmail account and has to go to the library to check his email…these are two of the three things (the third being his weirdness) that qualify him as a sex addict? Well, hold on…I guess I would be considered a sex addict as well! I don’t have internet service at home, I have a free gmail account (who pays for email anymore) and I sometimes go to the library on the weekends to respond to lengthy emails that I can’t respond to on my phone. Clearly, I am a sex addict (hear the sarcasm?). Oh and what about “Friend A”? She has a free gmail account and if it weren’t for her work computer she would be at the library on the weekends checking her free gmail account. I wonder if she has made the connection that she is a sex addict too (more sarcasm)? Surely she has…from all that research she has done.

Back to the conversation…

Me: I am completely 100% offended by your comment about “Friend B”…just because he doesn’t use his email account anymore doesn’t make him a sex addict. U should do more research before labeling someone!

Friend A: I have many books on this topic I’d loan you if u’d be open to reading them.

What? Hell no! I’m not going to read them. I know I am not an expert on sexual addiction, just as much as I know my friend is not a sex addict! I’m not going to research this topic, period! But here is what I will do…I will defend those innocent people that are being judged for being a little weird. Is “Friend B” quirky? Sure he is…aren’t we all? But “Friend B” has a heart of gold! He is a wonderful man that will make some woman very happy one day. Unfortunately, it is comments like the one that “Friend A” made that label people for life…and when it comes to my friends I will fight to the death to protect them from things like this. As a matter of fact, if someone made comments like these about “Friend A” I would defend her to the death as well.

How dare you tell me not to take this personally! You made it personal! All I ask is that you get to know someone for more that a few minutes at a couple of events before you make assumptions like this that could ruin someone for life. Have dinner with him, meet him for coffee…understand his life and where he is coming from before you label him, falsely!

That’s it…I’m done…it’s out in the open and off my chest! I will no longer discuss this topic on my blog!

Thanks peeps for letting me vent! I promise…starting tomorrow…it’s back to normal for me. And by normal I mean, me, complaining that I can’t find Mr. Prince Charming, or me, stalking Ryan Reynolds, or me, trying to clarify the difference between friends, boyfriends, and lovers with no attachment…you know less heavy, less meaningful gibber gabber! Things that make the world go round…

Whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Yesterday’s post has really made me think about my long road to recovery. January 7th will be the fifth year anniversary of my ex-husband asking for a divorce…out of the blue. And in the midst of asking for a divorce these words came out of his mouth…verbatim, “I don’t love you, I am not attracted to you, I have never been attracted to you.” Talk about a knife to the heart! Those are statements that I will NEVER ever forget! It didn’t take long for them to send me into a tailspin of low self esteem, and I have struggled to recover from those harsh words ever since. But after five long years of therapy, both professional and with friends, I have realized that I am loveable! I am beautiful! And though I never would have believed it five years ago, I am a better person today because of those statements. They forced me to delve deep within and begin the process of loving myself, because how can I expect to love someone if I don’t love myself first, right? Those statements alone gave me the opportunity to step back, let go and regroup.

In this long recovery process, I have learned many things. First, and foremost, I am reminded that it is ok to focus on me, every once in a while. And it is this focus that has allowed me to grieve the loss of what I thought was the perfect family. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t given myself the proper amount of time to focus on me and grieve properly I would not be as far along in my recovery as I am today.

During this struggle to learn how to love me I was also able to re-acquaint myself with my friends and lean on them for support. Some days it took a lot for me to get out of the house and spend times with them, but I did it anyway. Most of the time I had to force myself to get together with the girls but in the end I was always glad I did. I often found that the quality time with my friends went a long way towards healing my spirit. But mostly, the time with my friends helped me take the focus off of my ex and place more of an emphasis on building and strengthening the friendships of these women I love and who love me.

I also took this time to focus on my health. Most days, in the beginning, I didn’t want to eat but I forced myself to anyway. And then I soon realized that I felt better if I hit the gym and worked out. This, not only got me out of the house, but it also forced me to remember that the best way to get over someone was NOT to get under someone new. I quickly realized that if my head wasn’t in the right place the loneliness would kick in and my focus then became replacing someone that hurt me instead of focusing on becoming healthier both mentally and physically, and finding someone that loved me.

What I struggled with the most was the rebuilding of my confidence and self esteem. I knew that the sooner I focused on rebuilding these the better I would feel. And in order for me to do this, I needed to figure out what really went wrong in my relationship so I focused on learning a lesson from this hurt and pain. I learned that I didn’t NEED someone in my life to make me happy. I learned to live my life without him. And what I figured is that I am living a happier live now than I ever thought I would. I am actually liking who I have become.

It’s funny as I look back…if you would have told me five years ago that I wasn’t happy, that I needed to focus more on me, that I needed to strengthen my friendships, that I needed to be healthier both mentally and physically or that I needed to have more self esteem and self confidence, I would have laughed at you! I thought I had all of that…I WAS WRONG!

But this I do know…because I have focused on healing and rebuilding I know that there is someone out there that will love me in the way I want…I just have to find him. And I will never find him if I am wallowing in self doubt. I’m so glad I picked myself up by my bra straps and realized that there was so much more to live for. And even though no one likes to go through a break up, it is what I needed and has taught me many valuable lessons that I hope will help guide my future relationships.

Wait…what…huh? I think I just had a light bulb moment…Maybe it was all of this healing and rebuilding of Julie that is opening the eyes of these men from my past. Whatever the reason, I have to admit…all this attention feels good!

Relationship leftovers

I had dinner this weekend with an awesome friend of mine, Stephanie. She and I have only been friends for a couple of years but have really grown close and bonded quickly. We met because we have a mutual friend in common. Ironically, neither of us sees this mutual friend much anymore.

Stephanie and I have a lot in common, but the biggest things are the fact that we have both been divorced about the same amount of time, we each have two kids about the same ages, and we both love being single, but deep down would love to be in long term committed relationships. Stephanie and I have definitely had our man struggles these past couple of years but have always been there to support one another through the good, the bad and the ugly. Never have we uttered the words “I told you so” or “what are you thinking” or “WTF?” if we don’t agree with something the other is doing. We have both figured out how to be supportive while also giving our two cents with gentleness and kindness. I can always expect complete honesty from Stephanie when discussing issues in our lives.

She has also been really good about reminding me that being single does not mean there is something wrong with me, nor should being married be an expectation. She just helps me keep my life in perspective! She helps me remember to seize the day, take advantage of the opportunities that may come my way, and always see the positive in everything!

Now the reason I tell you this is because Stephanie recently had a hiccup in her relationship with her ex husband and his current wife. I call her “current wife”, because I am confident that he will not stay married to her either. I know this is harsh, but it is a reality that she may have to deal with sooner rather than later. The ex is a man with lots of issues who has been in and out of therapy and hasn’t changed his ways much over the years. I think that if/when the relationship comes to an end it will be because the “current wife” has had enough.

One of our topics of discussion at dinner this weekend was an email conversation that Stephanie had been having with the “current wife”. I feel really bad for Stephanie because she is a good person with a huge heart, that loves her kids dearly and just happens to be in a screwed up relationship with her ex. He is a lot like my ex in the fact that they don’t live in the real world. They are all about the “things” in life and the image they portray to other people.

Anyway the gist of the email conversation is that the “current wife” can’t let her husband fight his own battles. He can’t stand up for himself so she feels the need to chime in and stand up for him. Totally screwed up in my mind! The “current wife” took her comments way to far and pushed Stephanie over the edge. Stephanie replied back with some very hurtful yet truthful things. Stephanie felt very guilty for her comments, but I reassured her that she was only brutal in the heat of anger and after taking so many years of shit from these two, it was an inevitable response. These comments were based on Stephanie’s experiences with her ex and the fact that what comes around goes around. What the “current wife” doesn’t get is that she could end up being exactly like my friend one day.

This conversation was just a subtle reminder to me that the way a man treats his ex is a great indicator of how he will treat you. Keep in mind ladies, when picking your future dates, that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you are dealing with the ex-wife of your current boyfriend/husband like my friend Stephanie is, more than likely it means there is more to the story than what your boyfriend is telling you. I mean if a man does everything possible to get out of paying child support for the kids he has had with his ex wife, or doesn’t feel like he needs to chip in and pay for his daughters education, wake up honey, these are clear indicators of your future with him. Always remember that the way a man treats his mother and/or ex-wife is really a good representation of how he will probably end up treating you in your future relationship.