Drama

So far turning 40 has been awesome!

Tonight is my official last birthday celebration and then life gets back to normal as I know it. And by “normal” I mean, working, hanging with my friends and family, carting my kids to and from their various activities, sitting in the bleachers on the weekends, and dating…all of which I do a pretty good job at…

…well, except for dating…sometimes, I question my ability to do this well.

When I dated in my teens and early twenties, it was full of drama. You know the kind of drama that makes you cringe as a 40 year old woman. Things like, sleeping with upperclassmen to become “popular”, stealing boyfriends/girlfriends from your friends, starting rumors about each other, those kinds of things.

Yeah, kind of makes your stomach churn at the memory, doesn’t it?

Well, what I’m realizing now is that even as an adult this kind of stuff still goes on. It’s crazy, but it does. You would think we all would have matured by now, but for the most part, adults still play high school games with each other. But NOT me! When I get the first whisper of high school games, I back off quick…like in a sprint!

I just can’t catch a break though.

All I am looking for is a nice, good looking, quality guy who wants to take dating seriously. I’m not interested in someone who can only date me once a month because his schedule is so busy, nor am I looking for someone who is so married to his career that he has no time for dating. I’m not looking for pen pals and text buddies. I’m also not looking to be someone’s warm body until their ex-wife decides she wants him back.

Nope…not interested in any of that crap!

But for some reason that’s the kind of man that I attract.

I recently got a couple of text messages from Mr. Perfect for Me, whom I have not talked to in weeks. I could tell he was pissed and that apparently I had done something to piss him off, but I had no clue what it was, until I talked to my friend who fixed us up. Apparently his ex-wife (whom he left me for) had apparently gotten some kind of email from me bashing her.

Of course, those of you that know me, know this is not my style. I take defeat gracefully. When a guy doesn’t want me in his life anymore, I move on. I don’t fight for him…ever! I want a guy that will fight for me, not one that I have to beg to be a part of my life. But, against my better judgment, I still spent the better part of yesterday fighting for my dignity and pride with Mr. Perfect for Me. I tried to convince him that the email wasn’t from me. He believed me, then he didn’t believe me, then he did, then he didn’t.

And then I realized I didn’t care anymore.

He and his ex-wife have always thrived on the drama in their lives, and this was just another drama induced episode for them. In fact my friend and I are convinced that his ex-wife is making this whole thing up as a test for him. Yeah, they are that crazy!

I am not a vindictive person. When I’m not wanted I move on…that’s it! So I did what any self-respecting woman would do, I deleted him as a friend on Facebook, deleted his contact information from my phone, deleted all of his pictures from my phone and computer, and threw away all of the things that he had ever given me during our relationship.

I’m not gonna lie, that process felt good.

It’s almost like he never existed!

And that makes me happy!

Cleanliness is next to Godliness???

Have I ever told you how much I hate to clean my house? I hate it more than anything in this world. You see, I live in a house with two boys who always have their friends over playing and it always seems to make my house smell like a college dorm!

So I am constantly cleaning.

I’m the kind of person that likes order and cleanliness. My house is never…and I mean never 5 minutes away from being picked up and presentable to let’s say the Queen of England. That’s just who I am and how I roll. I enjoy a clean house.

Unfortunately, the time that I usually put into cleaning my house has been used up trying to keep caught up with work. You see, last week the warehouse that houses our curriculum caught on fire and we lost EVERYTHING during the first week of our four month long busy season. Needless to say there has been a lot of additional stress and additional hours put in dealing with the insurance company, fire Chief, printing companies and students…not to mention the countless hours of editing (that I should have had done weeks ago) in preparation for reprinting all of our books.

As you can imagine, I am under a TON of stress.

And when I’m stressed in one area of my life, I tend to slack in others.

And the area that is lacking now is my house, and I’m torn. I don’t like cleaning, but I also don’t like living in squalor, so this, you can imagine, presents an internal conflict of interest that at times I find very tear-provoking.

I know I mentioned in one of my numerous birthday posts last year that if I had one of these...



...then I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

But I have one of these and realize now that what I really meant to say was, if I had one of these...



...then I promise I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

So please, I beg you House cleaning God’s, send one of these hot boys that like to clean over to give me a little inspiration! If not send someone to buy me drinks…lots of drinks!

Or better yet, just send me him...



...I think he could inspire me to do anything!

Thank you in advance!

Equal opportunity annoyer

Dating profiles are ridiculous! Come to think of it, I don’t know that I have ever met a guy online that matches up to the profile he has so carefully thought about and (stolen) written from his heart. For this reason, I try my best to be as honest as possible when writing my profile. I post recent pictures and keep it short, because we all know men have the attention span of a first grader when it comes to reading these things.

Although, if I were being honest with you, I would tell you that I also have the attention span of a first grader when it comes to reading dating profiles. I don’t want to hear about how honest, open, loving and romantic you are. Quite frankly, I want you to show me…actions speak louder than words.

Being dishonest and babbling on and on about how awesome you are only sets you up for dating disaster. As an example, when I meet someone who says he is “athletic and toned” quite frankly, I expect that he will currently be athletic and toned and not be describing who he was in his high school hay day.

It’s so frustrating.

I don’t understand why men (and I’m sure women) do this. This is why I am adamant about posting very current pictures and list myself as average. I know I’m not super physically fit, but I’m not overweight either. I’m just average! I’ve had a couple of kids…

On a particular dating website that I am a member of there is a section listed “About my date”. In this section the men/women are supposed to answer the particular question about the women/men they are looking for.

I can’t tell you how many times I come across this exact list of what men in my area are looking for:

Hair: Blonde, dark blonde
Eyes: Blue
Height: 5’0-5’5
Body Type: Athletic & toned, curvey
Language: English
Ethnicity: White/Caucasion
Education: Graduate Degree, PhD/Post Doctorate
Job: Executive, Financial, Legal, Medical/Dental
Income: 150,000+

Seriously, this is what most men in my search criteria are looking for. I’m not joking! Apparently these “players” are looking for a sugar momma. Well good luck, I hope you have ugly, short kids, that go nowhere in life.

It’s frustrating!

All I ask is that the men be realistic in their search for a woman. Because quite honestly…

Athletic & toned



Plus a Graduate Degree, PhD/Post Doctorate degree



Plus income earnings over $150,00 a year



DO NOT, let me repeat…DO NOT = YOU



I’m just saying, let’s be honest from the get go!

Because back to school is all about me

Well here we are…back to school again. I cannot believe it is already time for my kids to go back to school.

Does it make me a bad mom if I tell you that I am one of those moms that enjoys the fact that my kids are going back to school? You see, I’m a routine kind of girl and summer messes with my routine, and by routine, I mean sleep. I’m not gonna lie…my kids are night owls in the summer, and I’m a single mom who has to be at work every day and desperately needs her sleep. If I don’t get a good seven or eight I’m not pretty the next day.

Just ask Hamilton and Gibson.

Gibson was so excited to go to 1st grade today. He couldn’t wait to get on the bus



Hamilton, on the other hand, could think of a thousand other things he would rather be doing, including getting his teeth pulled at the dentist.



I, however, ran to the car even before the bus took off, full of excitement and anticipation for a good nights sleep tonight.



Ahhh…180 days of routine ahead, I am so excited!

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down.

Today's topic du jour is a doozey! So put on your seat belts and hang on for the ride. I'm gonna put it out there like no other! Oh yeah, no sugar coating this puppy! Today I am going to share with you the Top Ten suspicions that your non-boyfriend, boyfriend is involved in an inappropriate relationship with a married woman.

Oh yeah people...it not only happens in Hollywood ala LeAnn Rhimes...it happens in our neighborhoods, right under our noses every day.

You're welcome!

10. On your second date he casually brings up the "married woman's" name in a conversation that ends up consuming your entire meal.
READ: He is fishing to see if you know her or not because he has figured out that your kids and her kids attend the same school.

9. When you bring her name up in a conversation and tell him that his "friendship" with the "married woman" concerns you (mostly because her husband has absolutely no clue that they are friends) his response is, "I don't know what the future holds."
READ: He is keeping his options open.

8. He responds to her text messages while the two of you are out on dates.
READ: He is lying to her and letting her know immediately that he is doing something other than having dinner with you. And he is lying to you telling you that it is actually his son who is texting him.

7. When you ask him exactly what his relationship is with said "married woman" he says, "we talk on the phone every once in a while and grab coffee when we can." And then when you ask him what he tells said "married woman" about your relationship with him, he says "we talk on the phone once in a while and grab coffee when we can."
READ: He is such an idiot if he thinks I am falling for this crap!

6. When he creates the pattern in your relationship of smothering the crap out of you with constant phone calls, text messages and dates and then you don't hear from him for days at a time because he is "so busy"
READ: He works the "married woman" into his schedule when she is available and only uses you, your time, and your kids when he is bored and lonely.

5. He can't plan ahead more than an hour or two and blames it on his work schedule and busy schedule with his son.
READ: He needs to be available to the "married woman" and her last minute schedule openings.

4. He avoids you like the plague when you tell him that you have something you need to talk to him about, but it's to personal to discuss in public.
READ: He knows I am catching onto his bullshit

3. When you ask him, on more than one occasion, why he took an unexpected, last minute trip to Chicago (where the married woman works a few days a month) after being gone for two long weeks on a business trip, and he quickly changes the subject each and every time.
READ: He is totally freaking out that I am to smart for his lies and have actually figured out his bullshit.

2. When he invites you to dinner on a Saturday night and tells you that his divorce is finally official and thanks you profusely for "coaching" him the last several months.
READ: He is finally free to pursue the married woman and only used you to fill the lonely gaps in his life the past several months.

And the number one suspicion that your non-boyfriend, boyfriend is involved in an inappropriate relationship with a married woman...

1. When you call him out on his shit and you never hear from him again.
READ: COWARD!

If you're going through hell, keep going

Today’s post is going to be short sweet and to the point…

I’m dieting…

I’m working out hard three days a week…

I’m hungry…

I’m tempted to eat this…



….the green apple jelly bean that has been sitting on the floor of my car for over a month…

I’m desperate!

HELP!

I can't fix what's made to be

WARNING: This is NOT my typical post. If you have come here looking for the normal shits and giggles that you often get at He Who Laughs Last, I suggest you move on for the day. Today’s post is abnormally serious, but one I must broach. I promise, I will be back on the up and up, and by up and up I mean I will be funny again SOON.

I don’t know about you, but I often miss the little girl whose dreams had no barriers, who believed in a world where anything was possible, who had a heart that was full and unbroken. I wonder at times when that little girl left and I became an adult. At what point in time did I become that girl that no longer wanted to play with dolls and ride my bike with friends. When did I start to think that dressing up and playing with barbies was childish and immature? When exactly did life become so difficult?

If I could pinpoint that moment in time, I would go back and hit the pause button. I would wake up early and play with my friends, I would break out the barbies and the dolls, I would run wild through the neighborhood without a care in the world. I would make Popsicles out of orange juice and catch lightning bugs, just one last time. Because on days like today those are the memories that we hold onto for dear life, those are the memories that keep us going through the hurt and the pain of being adults, those are the memories that we never want to let go of.

The past few weeks have been very difficult. They have included multiple counts of uncontrollable crying, many run- ins with annoying people, four or five counts of emotional eating, one count of uncontrollable spending, several counts of regretful Ex-texting, and one massive headache that just won’t go away.

In fact, I finally had to call my doctor to prescribe me something so that I could sleep at night. It has been a hell of a few weeks and I have often wished I could go back to the days of my youthful innocence. But yet again, I am reminded of the words my mom said to me many times growing up… “this too shall pass.”

My response to that today is… “oh yeah, when?”

You see, I have gotten myself into a little…ahem…predicament as of late that I knew I would regret in the long run, but I just couldn’t help myself. I tend to be an “instant gratification” kind of girl and this behavior has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. Especially when dealing with matters of the heart.

I’m not proud of my behavior or my actions, but what is done is done…Now I just have to figure out how to move on.

You see, I have made yet another bad decision, that I thought I could handle, only to get myself hurt in the long run. And that bad decision was reconnecting with someone from my past when I knew deep down in my heart that it would lead to nowhere…fast!

The moment he first indicated an attraction was awesome! There was excitement, I had butterflies. I was thrilled. It was a moment I had dreamed about for a long long time. Then there was the connection and the control, it was like a ball rolling down a hill, it just kept moving faster and faster. I reached out, I grabbed the opportunity. I was in it for the fun. But the fun ended when someone got hurt. I got hurt. He doesn’t know how hurt I am. I won’t ever tell him because I thought I was in control. Clearly, I wasn’t. I feel so stupid, yet again. I feel so ugly, yet again. I feel so hurt, yet again. And he will never know, yet again.

Back to square one, yet again!

Project Love: Day #24

Crazy Love
Have you ever seen the movie Love Crazy with William Powell and Myrna Loy? Well, don’t panic if you haven’t. And don’t panic if you have never even heard of it either because it was written in something like 1941…way before the time of me and most of my blog audience. But during my little…ahem…hiccup of not being able to think about anything other than my unhealthy fascination with “Mr. Show” or “Hollywood Bad Boy” as I often like to refer to him, I became addicted to old movies…thank you Mr. Show. And Love Crazy has since become one of my all time favorites.

The gist of the movie is about a couple, Steve and Susan, who are celebrating a wedding anniversary, I believe their 5th. They decide to be unique and celebrate by re-enacting their first date. But low and behold the re-enactment is interrupted by a meddling mother-in-law when she injures herself. So Steve is left to take care of her and in the process of, he runs into an old flame in the elevator. The meddling mother-in-law uses this opportunity as a way of convincing Susan that Steve is cheating on her. Susan then files for a divorce against Steve’s wishes because she sees no other option. So Steve concocts a plot that he is sure will save his marriage…he pretends to be insane.

It’s funny when you think about the crazy things like this that people do when they are in love. I think over time they start develop a certain fear, because once you have experienced “love” it’s hard to think of things the way they were before. You don’t want to go back to being alone so you end up doing some things that you normally wouldn’t do, hence “crazy in love.”

I hate to admit it, but I participate in the “madness”s when I am in a relationship or in love. Once, and only once I actually got a Brazilian Wax. I know, your probably asking yourself right now, “what part of I want someone to pour hot wax on me and rip out every little hair from my who ha sounds like a good idea?” Thank God it only took one Brazilian wax for me to realize that the pain endured in that behavior is NOT worth it…now I participate in laser treatments…much more humane!

Another bad habit that I tend to participate in when I’m in love, I quit working out. I know usually it’s the other way around. Usually people work out even harder to impress their new lover. But not me! Oh no. My theory is totally different when it comes to working out. I figure they like the way I look when they meet me, and they will never ever notice the gradual weight gain and change in my body. I know it’s a crazy concept, but it’s how I think. I can’t help it.

My wardrobe also changes when I’m in a relationship. I tend to drop my casual, I don’t really care how I look on a daily basis look and start dressing to impress. But I don’t dress to impress myself, I dress to impress the certain someone in my life. If I can wear something that evokes a comment or a second glace then I keep what I am wearing. If I get no reaction I usually will return what I am wearing or never wear it again and donate it to Goodwill. The height of my heels tend to increase and the hems of my skirts seem to decrease. One time, I even went out and purchased a football jersey for a team that I didn’t even like just because the guy I was dating asked me to. It now hangs in my closet and I look at it every day and shudder to think how much money I wasted on it. My lingere tends to get sexier and skimpier, jeans get tighter, and tops get more form fitted. There is just something about being in a relationship that increases my self esteem and body image.

I also tend to change my quirky little habits like turning on the water when I pee, breaking my sleepover rules by staying at his place during the week instead of just on the weekends, and learning to like the things he likes even if I have absolutely no interest in them.

I know it’s crazy, but I think to a certain extent we all do these kinds of things when we are happily in relationships. However, it is my opinion that these subtle changes are always good, but if you aren’t doing them for yourself then you probably shouldn’t be making the changes.

Love is a Battlefield.

Project Love: Day #3

Love Fades

When I was a kid I had several celebrity crushes. My biggest was In fact, Tom Cruise. I had a poster of him on my wall in his Top Gun fighter uniform that I would kiss every night before I would go to bed. I loved that poster and was destroyed the day that I “took” it down.

It was a day that has seemd to live on for me. It was a very sad yet embarrassing moment in my life, one that continues to haunt me. Telling you this story is a huge step for me because I swore that I would never ever talk about this moment again in my life. But I’m thinking that maybe if I share my embarrassment with you then I will somehow erase it from my brain and not think about it every day.

Seriously I think about the day that the Tom Cruise poster came off my wall… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

It was a rainy summer day. My friends were gone and I was forced to entertain myself at home. We didn’t have cable TV, video games, iPods or Wii. However, I suspect if we had had those things, I would have been bored with them as quickly as my kids are now. But I digress.

What we did have were cassette tapes. And as you can imagine, my favorite cassette at the time was the Top Gun Soundtrack. I mean seriously, who didn’t love, Playing with the Boys by Kenny Loggins or You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling by The Righteous Brothers

Am I the only one that used to fantasize that Tom Cruise would meet me in the bathroom at my local McDonald’s in the mall and break out with “you never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips?”

Like most little girls with a huge crush on Tom Cruise, my favorite song was definitely, Take My Breath Away by Berlin. I used to listen to that song over and over and over again. Listen, rewind, listen, rewind, listen, rewind. In fact, I listened to it so much that I finally wore the cassette tape out. Lucky for me this was the day and age of the “single soundtrack”. So I convinced my dad to take me to the mall so that I could spend my allowance on a new cassette. And when I got it home I got smart and recorded it ten times in a row on a blank cassette so that I wouldn’t have to rewind it anymore. Smart, I know…classic cassette tape to cassette tape recording…seems so ancient doesn’t it?

WARNING: Here comes the embarrassing part. I usually like to be warned of instances like this so that I can huddle in the fetal position behind my couch with a pillow over my eyes.

Take My Breath Away…a classic! I loved this song SOOOO much…the lyrics were so romantic, so inspirational and at one moment they just took me away. I got up and was singing at the top of my lungs to one Mr. Tom Cruise. I was stroking his face with one hand while singing into my hairbrush with the other, gazing lovingly at the Flat Stanley version of my future boyfriend. There was no stopping me, it was just me and Tom eye to eye, cheek to cheek. The song was coming to a close and I gently rubbed my index finger across his beautiful, surgically enhanced lips when in the flash of a second, the music stopped, I hear my brothers giggling, I jump onto my bed while grabbing the poster at the same time screaming at them out of pure embarrassment.

I was yelling at my brothers to go away, screaming to my mom to make them go away and crying because I had just ripped my poor boyfriend in half. The devastation of that moment when you are scared shitless yet embarrassed at the same time…This feeling will live on forever in me!

I will never ever forget this moment in my life. And to this day, I believe it was that particular moment that I no longer had a crush on Tom Cruise.

My parents replaced the poster for me at Christmas, but I didn’t have the heart to hang it up. In fact, just looking at the poster or the thought of hanging it up made my stomach cringe with embarrassment.

So long Mr. Cruise…may you be loved by many others.

Lesson learned: When singing to a Flat Stanley version of your future boyfriend, shut the bedroom door.

Love is a Battlefield

Wait? What? Huh?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OMG!

WTF?

What was I thinking?

Dooooohhhhhhhhhhh!

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I can’t believe I did it!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Seriously, what was I thinking?

Why couldn’t I just keep driving?

Ack!

Oh no I didn’t?

Why? Why? Why?

I am better than this!

You’ve got to be kidding me!


Don’t ask…I can’t tell you…I just needed to vent. Those of you that know me probably know what I did. But I will never ever confirm it! If you ask me…I will deny it. I won’t discuss it. I may shed some tears over it, but I will not ever talk about it! You won’t drag it out of me…No way, no how! I have definitely hit a new low in my life and therefore it is NOT open for discussion! Currently I feel a little like this…


The sad part is…I can’t guarantee I won’t ever do it again!

I'm not sorry

A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend Jackie and I were at a black tie fundraiser. At the beginning of the evening they had a priest come out to give his blessing for the night. He started off great…blessing the event, the charity, and the kids who would be benefiting from the funds raised. But that is where all of the goodness ended. He then proceeded to talk about how important families were and that the most important part of families were the married parents. He went on and on and on blessing those couples that were married. It got to the point where Jackie and I were beginning to feel very uncomfortable and somehow bad for being single.

And if that scenario weren’t bad enough, I had the following conversation today with one of the new moms at my son’s school:

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: “So, do you work for a living?”

Me: “Yes, I run a local Non-Profit”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: ”Wow, that sounds like an interesting line of work”

Me: “Yes, I love it and it keeps me very busy.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: “I bet your husband struggles with you working full time and trying to raise two boys.” (she says this as she glances down and sees my empty ring finger, or what I like to call my “scarlet letter”…the horrified look on her face was priceless) “Oh, you’re not married,” she says.

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: “Hmmm…well I guess maybe your boyfriend likes that you keep busy.” (Really? Who has the balls to go on with this conversation?)

Me: “Nope, I’m working the single status right now.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: (crickets…chrp…chrp…followed by blank stare and kind of an “uh oh how do I get out of this conversation look)

Me: “I’m flying solo and having a blast.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: (acting like I just told her I like to eat babies for dinner) “Oh, you must get lonely a lot, I’m so sorry!”

And before I accepted her apology, I stopped and thought…is it really that tragic to be single? I mean everything I see and hear lately from the media to people in my life, makes me feel like I have the plague because I’m not married or in a relationship. It’s like they expect me to be sitting at home waiting and wishing for a man. I feel like somewhere along the way it stopped being ok to be single. Isn’t it bad enough that I put the pressure on myself?

It doesn’t matter how hard I try not to think about being single, I’m constantly thinking about being single. As soon as I make a conscious effort to not think about being single-BAM- it sneaks up on me! And when I’m surrounded by married people, I’m thinking about being single. So really, to put it loosely, I’m always thinking about being single.

I feel like people look at me like I have given up, nailed the last nail into my coffin. But I can assure you, I have not given up! I’m not depressed! I’m not sad! I’m not lonely! I’m not turning into a recluse! I’m not blinded by my shoe collection or obsessed with work or to high maintenance to know a good thing when I see it. I promise, I’m not!

In fact, if I were being completely honest with you, I would tell you that I have been happily living my life. Happy enough to NOT be waiting for a man to make my life complete! I’m ok with all of this. In fact, I am fabulous with it! I would rather be single than lonely in a bad marriage any day!

So as I stood there, in front of Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status, waiting for my kids to come out of their classrooms, all I could think about was this woman giving me an apology for my single status. So I decided to take the high road, smiled at her and gave her the only reply that felt right:

Me: Don’t be sorry for me being single…I’m not!