Friday, January 29, 2010

I'm in love with Mr. Darcy

Today I have the distinct pleasure of introducing you to one of my favorite bloggers, Bored Mommy. I got to know Maria at Bored Mommy through the Great Interview Experiment over at Citizen of the Month. Neil has done a great job connecting bloggers as a means of getting to know one another through interviews. Can I just say, “bravo Neil, your idea is F.A.B fabulous!”

So welcome today as I share my interview with Maria over at Bored Mommy.

But before we get into the nitty gritty of who Maria is I just have to say her blog cracks me up. She reminds me a lot of myself.

Why you might ask?

Well, she is a magazine whore, like me, has two adorable kids, like me, dreams of being a published author, like me, hates wearing socks (hello, boots + no socks = happy time for me), like me, has pierced ears that have not been adorned with earrings in 10 years, like me, she loves getting mail (except for the bills, of course), like me, and she hates vampires and Twilight, just like me.

I know what you're’s almost like we were twins, separated at birth.

That is, until I came across this post on her blog. I don't care what was at stake, I NEVER WOULD HAVE READ THESE BOOKS…NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. I know she only read the Twilight series for the goodies she received, but come on…she just wasted many precious hours and then got her kids involved.

I have these that I got as a gag gift from my sister-in-law this Christmas. I am going to secretly send them to her for Valentines day.

Oh, I guess it’s not a secret anymore. Hey, she loves to get mail and it’s not a bill, I’m sure she will be stoked!

Anyway, here is how my interview with Maria went…

Do you remember the moment when the light bulb clicked and you said, “hey, I think today is the day that I want to start a blog?” I had been thinking about it on and off after I had been on Twitter for a few months. Kept seeing all these Twitter profiles, and every single one had a blog. Talked about it with my husband, and he thought it was a great idea as well. I actually tweeted it out, and got an overwhelming positive reaction to it, so I did it. That was June 15th of Last year, and I am so glad that I did.

You are stranded on a deserted island with only a backpack full of stuff and the clothes on your back, what sort of things might we find in your backpack? Well, if my actual handbag is any indication, I would have a ton of CRAP in it. I would probably have a book, couple of magazines, my wallet, kid’s toys, baby wipes, dirty Kleenex, lip gloss, my Blackberry, my iPod, a couple of pens, little notepad, and a million receipts. Of course, this would only be the case if I somehow happened upon a deserted island. I am not the “let’s explore this deserted island for kicks” kind of girl.

Congratulations on becoming a regular blogger over at Yummy Mummy! Tell me a little bit about your goals with that and how you hope to accomplish them? THANKS! It’s still SO new, but I’m really excited about blogging for the site. I’ve been a reader and follower for a really long time, so it’s plain awesome that I got to be a part of it. I will be blogging as PHAT MUMMY and the general theme will be about working to lose the post-marriage, post-baby weight that I have gained over the years. My goal is to do it in a healthy way so that once it’s off, it stays off!

You seem to have an obsession with Colin Firth that is very similar to my obsession with Ryan Reynolds. Let’s say Colin shows up at your door and says he is yours for the next 24 hours, what would that 24 hours look like? Great Question! Yes, Colin Firth had me at hello, and kept me after I saw him as Mr. Darcy. He is a delight in every sense of the word. After he picked me up, we would have breakfast together where I would insist he be Mr. Darcy to my Elizabeth Bennet. We would go for a walk, and stop in the park for a picnic lunch, where he would read Jane Austen to me, because seriously, who could resist that accent. Following lunch, we would go to a private screening of Love Actually, so that I could enjoy the scenes of his character attempting to speak Portuguese and melting over them, all over again. After a tea break, because English dudes like their tea, we would go on a motorcycle ride across a picturesque countryside, during which he is wearing a hot leather jacket and speeding like a madman. We would end the day with his singing/guitar playing Our Last Summer while I lay dying from sheer happiness. The End. (mental note: forward onto Mr. Bored Mommy as a suggestion for Valentine’s Day bliss)

My life
Sounds like…giggling, screaming, crying, laughing hyenas
Looks like…a library with a whole bunch of legos all over the place
Feels like…the marshmallow smushed inside of a Smore
Smells like…(please don’t say your husbands farts!) Purel and Vicks Vapo Rub
Tastes like…Chocolate with a side of bacon (see why I like this girl so much?)

Even though I thought I was super successful in my marriage, I wasn’t. What are some of the secrets that make your marriage work? There are several “secrets” that work for us, some are better than others. First, as with any relationship, there were times when we struggled to understand our roles, and how we fit with each other as husband and wife. That’s only normal in the beginning of any marriage. However, once my husband realized and accepted that I was ALWAYS right, everything just fell into place. Also, we’ve told ourselves that divorce is absolutely not an option, so knowing that that is out for possible choices of how to deal with things, and knowing that we’re stuck with each other, we are forced to work things out more productively. It has worked so far- 10 years in September.

Do you have any goals that you may have set for yourself in the past that you have yet to accomplish? If so, what are they? Other than the whole weight thing, one of my goals is to learn how to cook well. This is a work in progress obviously, but I should probably be putting much more focus on this, although it is difficult to do when your kids are the pickiest eaters on the planet, and won’t eat it anyway. I also would like to be a librarian. I know this sounds weird, but I want to get my Masters in Library Science one day and rock the hot librarian look while being amongst thousands of books. Heaven.

I, like you, have two very adorable kids, and I sometimes worry about their future and my relationship with them as adults. Do you ever think about what kind of a relationship you will have with your kids once they are adults? I think about it often actually. I hope that we will have an honest, loving relationship so they will feel that they can come to me at anytime with anything. I hope that they will want to hang out with us and travel with us. And if they refuse to think of me as a cool, hip mom, then I will be forced to force them into doing it, using the tools all Greek mothers have perfected over their lifetime, guilt and more guilt.

That’s it…that’s Bored Mommy in a nutshell. See, I told you she was a pretty cool chick. I’m off right now to mail my Twilight Valentine’s Hearts!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Project Love

Ever since my divorce (5 years ago) I have dreaded not only Valentine’s Day, but the entire month of February. It seems that Valentine’s Day is more and more being celebrated the entire month of February instead of just the 14th. Maybe that’s just my outlook because I am single and don’t really have anyone to share this holiday with or maybe its consumerism. Either way, I’m taking the bull by the horns this year and making an effort to purposely jump on the media’s Valentine’s Day bandwagon. But I refuse to do it in the typical fashion of love, hearts, chocolate, balloons, lingerie, singing telegrams, roses, pajama grams, or jewelry.

Oh no, not me. This year I’m going to be unique, and I hope my blogging buddies will join in the fun. For the month of February, I have created my own little Project Love.

And the answer is NO to those of you wondering if this is going to be anything like VH1’s Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. I can promise you there will be no fake boobs, hookers, cat fights, stripper heals, string bikini’s or fake nails anywhere near this project.

Anywho…I’m using Project Love as a reminder that I don’t have to have a significant other in my life to enjoy this month. My goal, with Project Love is to write about all aspects of love and relationships, from the good to the bad to the ugly, each day…kind of celebrating love in a different way.

So here’s my plan. Each day of the month, yes, even Saturday’s and Sunday’s, I will be writing on a different “type” of love. And to make it easy for those bloggers that want to join in the fun, below is a list of the “love topic of the day” for each day in February, starting on Monday the first.

Project Love: Topics for Discussion.

PL Day #1 Tired of love
PL Day #2 The game of love
PL Day #3 Love comes and goes
PL Day #4 To young to love
PL Day #5 How do I love thee, let me count the ways
PL Day #6 It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
PL Day #7 Love the 2nd time around
PL Day #8 A face only a mother could love
PL Day #9 Love affair
PL Day #10 Love at first sight
PL Day #11 Swept away
PL Day #12 Love conquers all
PL Day #13 Lost in love
PL Day #14 Valentine’s Day is for lovers
PL Day #15 Hardened to love
PL Day #16 Love is in the air
PL Day #17 Falling in love
PL Day #18 Sea of love
PL Day #19 Love is the answer
PL Day #20 Fools in love
PL Day #21 Tunnel of love
PL Day #22 Love letter
PL Day #23 Unlucky in love
PL Day #24 Crazy in love
PL Day #25 Waiting for love
PL Day #26 Fools in love
PL Day #27 Love hurts
PL Day #28 Ready for love

Now that the hard part, the brainstorming, is done…all you have to do is post articles, pictures, poems, love notes…whatever comes to mind, on these particular topics each day in the month of February.

And because I’m just a cool chick, I have decided to even create a super duper cool daily sign off, for Project Love, with the motto that has summed up my love life in the past five years,

Love is a Battlefield.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

An open letter to John Edwards

Dear Schmo,

Bravo for admitting you had a sexual affair with one of your staffers. That takes guts!

Bravo for admitting (finally) that you fathered a child out of said affair. Your daughter will be so proud of you one day for taking so long to own up to that. (enter sarcasm punctuation here).

Frankly, I don’t know why I say Bravo to these admissions of guilt, because you certainly don’t deserve any kind of badge of honor for fessing up to them! In fact, I can’t believe it took you this long to publicly admit what you have known deep in your heart for some time. I shouldn’t even call these statements, admissions of guilt. I should be referring to these admissions the way Democrats like to refer to their sexual indescretions, as “being Presidential.” I often wonder if it took so long for you to admit that Quinn was your child because you were somehow trying to figure out a way to pin this indescrition on President Bush?

But these statements or admissions are not what irks me the most in your…ahem…circumstances. What irks me the most, is that you are admitting your faults via a third party. What kind of an example do you think this sets when you don’t even have the balls to own up to your actions. And don’t give me that crap that there are people involved and kids involved. I get that. However, I believe, there are proper ways to handle these indescritions with your children. But when you openly duped the people of this country into believing that you were the “best candidate” for the Presidency you made your life public! And once your life was made public, you owed us honesty! And we didn’t get honesty.

In fact, we still haven’t gotten honesty directly from you. We have heard your side of the story from your attorney, but I’m not buying it. Senator Edwards, you have a bad “people picker”, so how is it that I am supposed to trust your attorney , the one you have chosen, when he says things like, “Senator Edwards is very remorseful for his actions” or “Senator Edwards loves his wife dearly” or even “Senator Edwards kids have a full understanding of the situation.” Really? These things are ok coming from your attorney??? Oh Mr. Edwards, when will you ever learn?

Apparently not anytime soon because now you want us to believe that you did not use campaign funds to “buy off” the people involved in your sexual indescrestions. Seriously? In the past three years, Senator Edwards, you have cheated on your wife, had a baby out of wedlock, duped the American people, lied to your children, publicly denied being a father to one child, asked your friend to step up and claim paternity of said child, humiliated the mothers of all of your children, made a sex tape and more than likely used campaign funds in this scandal. I’m not saying that you did, but the odds are against you. Look at your record, it should speak for itself. So far you have lied and asked the American people, for forgiveness more than any human being I am aware of.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH Senator Edwards!

I am getting tired of your egotistical “it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission attitude.”

And we wonder why other countries don’t take us seriously. Get over your bad self Senator Edwards! Own up to what you have done, ask God for forgiveness and try to make something out of your life…for the sake of your beautiful kids who still look up to you and will one day remember that you were in a sticky situation and you chose to handle it correctly instead of politically.

A concerned mother and citizen of the United States of America

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Road trippin it with the bee-otches

Enter Chris Harrison with this weeks date rules. He informs the girls that there will be (1) one-on-one date, (1) group date, and (1) two-on one-date and that there will be roses given out on each date. He tells them that everything is going to change this week. Cue dramatic music: Da Da Da Da! He sends the girls outside to see two very large RV’s.

Kathryn ever so eloquently exclaims “I just know we are getting out of this house and going somewhere!” Really, Kathryn? What was your first clue?

The girls get divided into two groups. (let the cat fights begin)
RV #1: Ali, Kathryn, Jessie and Tenley
RV #2: Gia, Corrie, Ashleigh, Ella and Vienna

As in past weeks we role to footage of Jake on his motorcycle with the freakishly large helmet. Come on ABC intern, when are you going to start listening to me? The helmet is NOT working for Jake. Might I suggest something a little cooler, like this one perhaps:
The RV’s meet up with Jake as he is pitching his tent (get your minds out of the gutter people, he is really putting up a tent)in the middle of wine country, their first stop on the RV road trip. We hear Jake saying in his voice over that he can’t think of a better place to fall in love than a tent in the middle of wine country. Really Jake? I can…how about the Ritz Carlton in New York, or the Eiffel Tower in Paris?

We move onto the girls in the RV’s where they are predicting who would be booted off if they were to go on a two-on-one date with Vienna. All of them in RV#1 quickly conclude that they are all better than Vienna and she would most definitely be the one sent home…cocky bee-otches, aren’t they?

Side note, what is the deal with Jessie’s “Snookie” hair, ala Jersey Shore?
Jake meets the girls upon their arrival at the vineyard and brings the date card. “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars.” And it is for Gia. We hear a voice over of Gia, but for the life of me I can’t remember what she said because I was so focused on her annoying giggle and lisp. In true ABC fashion the cameraman scans to Vienna telling us why Gia is not a good match for Jake. Her reason, Gia is a city girl and not the outdoorsy type. But Vienna is? Hmmmmm…

I will admit that ABC has been lacking in the naked chest scenes the past week or two, but I will say they definitely made up for it this week. We are treated to the pleasure of Jake shaving outdoors with his shirt unbuttoned and recklessly blowing in the wind…*swoon* ABC, you definitely had me at hello!

As Jake and Gia ride off into the sunset on his motorcycle Vienna comments:

Vienna: I can’t wait for Gia to act all outdoorsy in her stiletto heels

Kathryn: Do you think she will come back from the date with a rose?

Vienna: I don’t know, if she doesn’t fall off the bike first. (I laughed my ass off at this comment)…funniest thing said all evening.

DATE #1: One-On-One with Gia

We come back from commercial break only to see Jake and Gia playing hide and seek in the vineyard like 3rd graders. Totally cheesy! When Jake “finds” Gia she giggles and jumps on him. He is now forced to carry her out of the vineyard kind of like I would my 5 year old if he was acting up at the mall…it was one of those scenes where I just wanted to huddle up in the fetal position behind my couch.

Gia: I was a nerd in school. I got beat up all the time.

Jake: Really, my name was Mr. Bagels in 9th grade and I didn’t have my first kiss until I was in 11th grade.

Gia: I loved playing spin the bottle in school

Jake: Woo Whoo! Let’s finish up this bottle of wine and start our own game. What are the rules

Gia: First time kiss on the cheek, 2nd time kiss on the lips, 3rd time all the way…

Jake: (thinking to himself) Giddy Up!

Gia: Giggling uncontrollably

Jake: (thinking to himself) I am going to have to kiss her to get her to stop giggling…she is going to drive me nuts!

Cue: Campfire

Jake: So where do you see your life going?

Gia: I want to be engaged for awhile, then get married, have a couple of kids and adopt a little girl from China.

Jake: (looking off into the distance, uninterested, dazed and confused)…

STATUS: Cleared for Landing

Back at the RV camp site Kathryn comes out of the RV with the group date card: Ali, Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Vienne and Corrie. “Next stop, falling INN love. Love Jake. Pan to Kathryn and Ella who have suddenly become wet blankets at the thought of one of them having to go home on the two on one date…ahhh, tension, beautiful tension.

DATE #2: Group Date

Jake predicts some uncomfortable situations in the group date because he has feelings for a lot of these girls. Sweet! I hope we see some hair extensions being pulled out during the cat fight scenes!

Cue girls getting ready in the RV:

Tenley: (to Ali) what would you do if Vienna got a rose tonight?

Ali: I would throw up in my mouth (classy Ali, real classy!)

Jake warns the girls ahead of time that they need to prepare to get extremely dirty! Like bow chicka bow wow kind of dirty Jake or sand in your pants kind of dirty? Oh, dune buggys…it’s sand in your pants kind of dirty.

Ali jumps at the chance to be a passenger in Jakes Dune Buggy. Corrie and Ashleigh hop in one and tear it up…Jake is smitten! Jessie and Vienna are in another and it gets stuck…Super Jake to the rescue! He unsticks them from their delima and continues on with the fun. Once they are done with the buggys, they move onto sand surfing. This, my friends, looks like a ton of fun. He and Tenley hit it off…the other girls shoot her daggers but then are all lovey dovey to her face. Jake invites them to go rolling down the hill together. Everyone but Corrie shoots him blank stares. We are treated to an awkward scene of Corrie throwing Jake down the hill…I don’t think that is what he had planned. There is absolutely no chemistry between the two of them.

After the day in the sand the girls go back to the Inn to get cleaned up for dinner. Jakes goal for the evening is to get one on one time with all of the girls. Ashleigh is first. Their one on one date can only be labeled as “snoozefest”. There was absolutely no conversation beyond “How you doin?” very awkward! Ashleigh goes in and kisses Jakes cheek. He thinks she is smoking hot but doesn’t feel the chemistry. He probably would have felt the chemistry if he were looking at the crotch shot the cameraman was getting of Ashliegh…Hello!

They go back to the group and Jake asks Vienna to sneak away and she asks if she can be last. He was taken aback but ok with it. Ali couldn’t believe it. Girls…I got news for you, Vienna is just playing the game! I thought that her move was brilliant…she wanted to be the last one to kiss Jake that evening. Bravo girl!

Back at the RV camp another date card arrives, it’s from Chris: “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.” Neither Kathryn nor Ella want to go home yet and they don’t understand why Jake has put them in this position. Hello girls, you are obviously the two that are at the very bottom of the list!

Back at the group date Jake and Tenley are talking about her past relationship while the cameraman is focusing on the bed with the rose pedals. I really feel like there should have been porno music in the background. There is definitely chemistry between these two.

Last but not least, it’s Vienna’s turn. And Jake calls her out! I love it.

Jake: Why do you think the other girls give you a hard time?

Vienna: (batting her big blue eyes) I don’t know Jake.

Jake: I think you egg them on. I can see that you are different around them. You know sometimes it is just better to not say anything at all then to go back to them and rub our relationship in their faces.

Bravo Jake! He needed to pump the breaks with Vienna anyway. I still like her, but he needs to work through all of these red flags he is seeing in her.

Status: Tenley cleared for landing

DATE #3: Two-On-One Date

Is it just me or does anyone else remember much about Kathryn? I, for the life of me, can’t seem to remember one thing about her. Jakes goal for tonight: complete openness! Kathryn, Ella and Jake head back to his cabin for a quite dinner. I start laughing because they are sitting at a table that looks like it is made for a little girls tea party. They all look like giants.

Jake and Ella are having a conversation and poor Kathryn tries to interject awkwardly but can’t seem to get a word in edgewise. When Kathryn finally gets alone time with him she goes off on him. She tells him that she is pissed that he has been focusing all of his attention on Ella and never looks at her when he is with all of the girls. Let me interject here for a minute…Kathryn, honey, you have just purchased your one way ticket off of the show…don’t bitch him out you are only at week #4!

Quite frankly, I’m not feeling it with either of these girls. I think that he should send them both home. And after much contemplation, Jake must have read my mind because that is exactly what he did…he sent both Kathryn and Ella packing!

Tenley: breaks down and is overcome with emotion
Ali: is in shock and says “I’m going to give Jake a real talking to if he doesn’t send Vienna home”
Ella: (says to the ABC reject cameraman) “God help Jake”
Kathryn: (says to the other ABC reject cameraman) “He is going to end up with the wrong person
Jake: “this is the first of many decisions that no one is going to understand and it’s only going to get worse.”

Wooo Whooo! You know what I just heard? I heard the word…drama! I love drama!

STATUS: Kathryn & Ella asked to deplane


Corrie grabs Jake for some one on one time. She wants the opportunity to clarify her status with him because she doesn’t feel like she has gotten any quality time with him, aka, make out time. Here is how their conversation went:

Corrie: Are you nervous around me?

Jake: No, absolutely not!

Corrie: Oh…well then that means you aren’t into me. If you like someone you should always be somewhat nervous to be in their presence (huh?)

Jake: I will pursue you if you continue to open up, aka…you better make out with me soon or I will boot you off this show.

Jake comes in to take Ali away for some conversation. All she does is a little butt kissing by telling Jake how honorable he was for the tough decisions he made last night…blahblahblahblah.

Jessie grabs him for some alone time just to tell him that he should boot Vienna. Hello, she just wrote herself a ticket off the show too. When will these girls learn that if you continue to bad mouth the other girls to the bachelor it usually means you will get the boot. Nobody likes a tattle tale!

Vienna pulls him aside to ask him what his family and friends might think of her. Hello Vienna…you might be a little more worried about what Jake thinks about you.

ROSE CEREMONY: the most dramatic one ever!


Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech…by golly, I think Jake looks like he may puke! He excuses himself to go find an ABC producer in hopes he will be able to find Chris Harrison too. Jake tells Chris that there are a couple of women in there that he is sure he wants to send home and wants to know if he has to give both of the remaining two roses. Chris assures him that he doesn’t and goes in and snatches one of the roses from the silver platter.

And the last girl he chooses to stay: Vienna

Ali is PISSED! On a side note, I can’t wait to hear that “talking to” she is going to give Jake next week.

Ali: (whispering quietly) why is she here? How could he possibly keep her? My heart is racing, if Vienna is what he wants, then I’m not what he wants. (GOOD…then go home) How can he look at her and think that she can be his wife?

Tenley: we have to tell him

In classic Baccalaureate form as Ashleigh is departing she throws out a few F bombs and is in shock that he picked Vienna over her. Jessie thought she needed to step up to the plate a little more to win him over…No no girls, bottom line…He just wasn’t that into you!

Until next week when Jake takes all of the girls to Ali’s hometown of San Fransisco!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Not to toot my own horn but beep beep

In this day and age of political correctness what I have come to realize is that you cannot wish someone a Merry Christmas without possibly offending their religious or ethnic backgrounds. I actually had “Happy Holidays” printed on my annual Christmas cards this past year for fear of offending anyone. And when the cards arrived at my house I suddenly wanted to kick myself for allowing this fear to dictate my thoughts and feelings towards the holiday season. So, this I can promise you, in future years, I will stay strong to the reason for the season and put Merry Christmas on all of my holiday cards. After all, Christmas is a celebration of Christ’s birth…period! I will no longer hedge on nor apologize for this greeting, no matter who I am talking to or who I may offend.

It is this thought that made me start thinking of other things that I absolutely refuse to apologize for.

I will never ever apologize for my sarcastic sense of humor. It is how I was raised and how most people know me. I don’t know that I have ever offended anyone with my sarcasm, and honestly if I have, oops..but I’m not really sorry, because it’s me…and I kind of like me and don’t want to change me.

My inability to let the past be the past. This has always been a huge downfall for me. I can forgive most people, but for some reason, I have a very difficult time forgetting. And this "not forgetting" stuff is usually what gets me into trouble...

My love for Ryan Reynolds. I mean seriously…how can you not say “yummy” when you see this

or this

or even this

Seriously...who has abs like that?

Putting on a happy face…even when I am down. I don’t know if you know this about me or not, but I hate to be the center of attention! Maybe that is why I have a horrible fear of public speaking or being on a stage of any kind reciting lines. Come to think of it, I don’t even like to sing at church. For some reason I am always afraid it will draw unnecessary attention to me (like standing there like an idiot, not singing doesn’t draw attention to me) Anyway, back on topic… Here is a prime example of what I mean by me always putting on a happy face.

Christmas day was the loneliest day ever for me. Usually my ex and I split the holiday in half so that we can each spend time with the boys. But last year I took Hamilton and Gibson on vacation for the week of Christmas and the payoff for that was that my ex got them for most of the week this year. Now, let me stop here and say that my ex offered to let me have the boys for part of the time that week, but his brother passed away a couple of days before Christmas and I just thought that it was more important that our kids be with him to help him get through this difficult time.

Anyway he (my-ex) called me Christmas night to make sure that I was ok because he knew it would be difficult for me to be by myself. Of course, I lied and tried not to let any of the trembling in my voice come through on the phone while I was lying to him and telling him that I was great and enjoying the quite time. But as soon as I hung up…I started balling. It’s moments like these that I just don’t like to be the center of attention…I don’t want people adjusting their lives for me…I know it’s crazy…but it is who I am…I can’t help it.

Being me! This needs no explanation! Some people love me…some people don’t…and I’m ok with that. I will defend those that need defending. Those that know me know that I will fight to the death for my true friends. In fact, I recently just gave up on a friendship that had become toxic in order to stand up for someone I believed in more than the said toxic friend. And let me tell you, it was the BEST decision I had ever made.

Now, there are many more things that I won’t ever apologize for, like being involved with someone that I know isn’t good for me, or putting my kids first in my life, or fighting for the underdog, or watching reality television, or even letting my kids eat candy for dinner….hey, don’t judge me for that one, I would only give them candy for dinner on nights that they are going to their dads house…I’m no dummy!

But the bottom line is, I am moody, I am giggly, I love to be goofy, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sometimes quick to judge…I have issues, just like everybody else. But I refuse to apologize for those things that make me, well, me.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to Top Ten Friday, where I break it down!

Today I thought it would be funny to share with you random texts that I have received from some of my friends. A couple of them (which ones you may never know) are ones that I actually sent out, see if you can guess which ones...

Top Ten Texts Messages I Have Received From My Friends

10. Wine smoothie…not as good as I had hoped.

9. Either way, he was missing a nipple.

8. You should have told me I was still wearing my 3D glasses before you told me it was ok to go home with him.

7. Yeah, it was one of those nights. First call I got this morning was from the Visa Fraud Department.

6. He came in, asked for duct tape, put an ex on the floor with said tape, then said he was going to “pass out” right there…cocky or strategic?

5. He just said he finds Jay Leno to be hilarious…clearly things between us will not work out.

4. He totally didn’t remember me until I turned around 360 degrees…once he saw my ass he blurted out my first and last name.

3. His blackberry tasks were, 1) take names and 2) kick ass.

2. I watched Jersey Shore just so I knew what rock bottom looked like when I hit it.

And the #1 most random text message I have ever gotten from a friend:

1. Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles aren’t as good as my beer goggles…should have listened to you.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I agree 99% plus one, you do the math

Here we are at the 21st day of the year and I feel flat and uninspired. I have found myself thinking a lot lately about my purpose in life. For some reason, I think that if I can figure out what my purpose is in my life, then I might somehow miraculously become this new person I am determined to discover in 2010. So ideally, the quicker I can figure out my purpose, the quicker I can become the new Julie, and the quicker I can move on and really enjoy all that life has to offer.

People often ask me what my purpose in life is and I feel like when I answer with something along the lines of “to be a great mom”, it somehow takes away from my potential. I feel like those who have a greater purpose and know what that purpose is, are somehow thought of as more important than me, or that their lives have more meaning than mine.

I often get frustrated when I think about those people in my life that are so put together and clearly know what their purpose in life really is. In fact, when that question is brought up to me, I often find myself thinking, “purpose smurpose. “ I am happy being young, footloose and fancy free and even sometimes, dare I say it, invisible. I often wonder if I can, in fact, live a life with no real concerns or heavy burdens. Can I simply say that my purpose in life is to love, learn and be happy? Or is that being selfish? Because most of the time, I feel like I should be saying things like, “my purpose in life is to adopt and raise Hatian orphans”, or “my purpose in life is to raise money to find a cure for cancer.” But I can’t say it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t. So if I can’t say it, then it clearly isn’t my purpose, right? I can honestly say, I don’t know.

But what I can say is this…There are times when I set goals for myself, accomplish them and then feel flat afterwards. And my thought is, if those are the results that I am getting after accomplishing a set goal , then maybe the goals I am setting for myself aren’t as important to me as I originally thought.

But here’s the deal. What I am slowly coming to realize is this…it’s not actually the accomplishment of the goal that I should be focusing on. What I should be focusing on is the “ripple effect” of accomplishing the goal that I set for myself.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. Last year, one of my goals was to train for and complete my first ever mini marathon. I HATE running, so this was a huge, huge undertaking for me. I spent months of training and running in the cold weather, not really enjoying one minute of it. I completed the race in 3 minutes under the goal I set for myself and then swore up and down that I would never ever run again. So far I have kept that promise to myself, I’m not proud. But think about it, what good did I just do myself by training for and completing the race and then never ever running again? None, hence the feeling of flatness and failure.

So I started to look at my accomplishment in a different way, in a way that I had never thought of before. And what I found was that I had become an inspiration to those around me, the ripple effect. So far, that I know of, I have inspired four friends to train for and run this years mini. So the real “fruit” for me had not necessarily become personally finishing the mini marathon, but the inspiration I gave to those around me to get healthier and run it themselves is, in fact, the accomplishment I should be focusing on. It’s the ripple of my goal that has become the real accomplishment for me.

What I have learned is that I should listen to the “pats on my back” as a basis for knowing that accomplishing the goals I set for myself, are what my purpose in life should be focused on. And what I am finding is that when I choose to lead my life in this way, bit by bit, more and more blessings come into my life.

I find myself meeting more and more quality people that I want to be surrounded by. But the best result of all is knowing that I do have purpose in my life. It may not be the purpose that I am selfishly hoping for or expected to gain, but it is definitely purpose that fills the places in my heart. Because what I have realized is that my purpose is to add value to the lives of those that I choose to surround myself with and in turn, I end up gaining much more meaning in my life. And that, my friends, excites me more than you may ever know.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I have come to realize when I get nervous I pull out my finger guns

Have you ever had one of those mornings when you are awakened by your alarm early and you keep hitting the snooze button because you don’t want to come face to face with the fact that you didn’t finish college, or the fact that you are a single mom struggling to support a couple of kids, living a life dreaming you should be doing something completely different than what you are currently doing. And then you suddenly realize that no one is reading your blog, not even your best friends, and the last guy you slept with you know you shouldn’t have slept with but you can’t help it and continue to sleep with him anyway. And then you start to think of the future and how you will probably end up dying alone and unloved and the only relief that you get from the sad existence that has become your life is the five stolen minutes of sweet oblivion that is sleep?

Okay, well that thought…was what came racing to my mind a couple of days ago at the beep of my alarm. And what I realized is that most mornings I have similar thoughts! But today was different, I started reflecting on my past and things that I have learned about myself. And I realized I have “come to realize” quite a few things about myself.

I have come to realize my chest size is the perfect size. You’re welcome, you know who you are!

I have come to realize my job is the best thing that has happened to me in the past five years. I love that I have the opportunity to learn something new about my faith everyday!

I have come to realize when I’m driving that I need to pay closer attention to what I am doing …YIKES!

I have come to realize I need my mom in my life. It’s hard to raise kids without having a mom to ask for advice.

I have come to realize I have lost a lot of myself from the stupid selfish decisions I have made in the past few years.

I have come to realize I hate it when people in my life disappoint me because they can’t live up to the unrealistic expectations that I have secretly given them.

I have come to realize if I have been drinking I should not be near a phone with texting capabilities.

I have come to realize that money is not what life is all about. Life is about the relationships you create and nourish.

I have come to realize certain people will never change.

I have come to realize I’ll always be a hopeless romantic.

I have come to realize my brothers have worked hard and created awesome lives for their families. They are great dads, husbands, sons, and brothers.

I have come to realize my mom helped raise my brothers and I in a way that I could only hope to copy when it comes to raising my kids!

I have come to realize my cell phone is something that I can’t be without.

I have come to realize when I woke up this morning I was so tired that I think I may have forgotten to floss my teeth before I brushed them. Hmm…maybe I will go buy floss, a toothbrush and toothpaste at lunch. If I don’t I won’t be able to think about anything else.

I have come to realize that last night when I went to sleep I might have slept better if I would have listened to myself when I said, “don’t worry about it, tomorrow will be a new day”. But oh no…I had to lie awake and let the thoughts consume me.

I have come to realize my dad has been my rock for the past five years. I have become way to dependent on him and need to wean myself from that dependency in 2010.

I have come to realize when I get on Face Book it doesn’t excite me anymore.

I have come to realize I really want to go someplace warm with someone special. Trying to get up the nerve to ask him, is another thing all in itself!

I have come to realize life is full of ups and downs but it is what we do with those ups and downs that make it what it is.

I have come to realize this weekend is the weekend I am going to get my butt in gear. My goal is to lay out my 2010 Book Writing Plan!

I have come to realize the best music to listen to when I’m upset is hard rock played very loud…that way the loudness tends to drown out the thoughts in my head.

I have come to realize my true friends will be friends for life, no matter what stupid decisions I may make! They may not agree with me, but they support me and love me no matter what!

I have come to realize this year…hmmm…we are only 20 days in, I haven’t had any great epiphany’s yet.

I have come to realize my ex is someone that I really miss.

I have come to realize maybe I should not be so hard on myself.

I have come to realize I love hard!

I have come to realize I don’t understand those that judge people without getting to know them.

I have come to realize parties are not my thing anymore.

I have come to realize I’m totally terrified of never being loved again.

I have come to realize that my life is on the uphill swing and getting better every day

Monday, January 18, 2010

Either go for broke or break out the spirit fingers

This week: (2) one on one dates and (1) group date- roses will be given out on each date.

First Date Card: Vienna “Let’s fall head over heels together.”

In classic ABC cameraman form, as soon as the girls realize that Vienna was selected for the ever so prized one on one date, he pans to Michelle with another classic voice over. “I think of myself as a very attractive woman and I see Vienna as being the total opposite of me, in the looks department.” Wow! That’s a pretty bold statement Michelle…even for a psycho!

Question before we go any further, why is everyone so bitchy towards Vienna all of the sudden? This is the kind of stuff about the filming of "reality TV" that usually irritates the crap out of me. The cameramen/Editors only show us what they want us to see...hello, real life is NOT edited people! But I digress.

ONE ON ONE DATE #1 with Vienna

Helmet head picks up Vienna on the classic motorcycle…they are headed for Jakes house first and then off to something adventurous. Come on ABC intern, can’t you come up with something a little more original than a motorcycle, or limo, or helicopter? In fact, here’s an idea, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Jake pulled up on a Vespa or a Segway with that abnormally huge helmet? I would seriously die laughing, but at least it would be original…Ok…back to Jake's transportation. Jake and Vienna hop giddly into a helicopter (again, how original ABC intern) in anticipation of the days activities. After a little while they both start to look pale and ready to vomit at any moment. They both wipe their sweaty palms on each other when they turn the bend and see the bridge in the middle of nowhere. Reality sets in as they start to realize they are probably going to have to jump off of it.

They both admit their fear of heights…yes, I thought it was weird too that a pilot has a fear of heights. Maybe that is why he hasn’t logged any flight hours since 2007…I’m just saying. I know I don’t want to be in a plane piloted by a guy who is afraid of heights.

Anyway, back to them being strapped into the gear necessary to jump off of this very tall bridge. Jake goes into panic mode, shaking and visibly afraid of jumping off the bridge. I guess they don’t clear the dates with the Bachelor beforehand… Anywhoo…they finally jump, only after the ABC therapist threatens to cancel the show on Jake if he doesn’t strap on some balls and jump. Jake and Vienna share their first kiss while hanging upside down. I have to admit that I thought this was kind of cute, maybe a little cheesy, but at least it was original.

In classic Bachelor mode, they move onto dinner on the bear skin rug in front of the fireplace at the Bachelor Pad…very Burt Reynolds(ish).

Back at the house the group date card arrives: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Michelle and Gia are selected. “Love is no laughing matter, or is it?” Just let me tell you, I am already horrified by this date card…something in it is not sitting well with me at this point.

Pan back to Jake and Vienna in the hot tub and the offering up of the rose. Jake is so happy with his decision to keep Vienna, Vienna is already planning her walk down the aisle and her designer wedding gown.

Status: Cleared for Landing


Jake meets the girls outside of John Lovit’s Comedy Club. Michelle runs up to Jake first, because of course, she has not had any time with him yet. She hugs him so hard and doesn’t want to let go. Enter two very large body guards to pry Michelle’s claws of life from Jake’s back. Enter also the ABC stylist to provide Jake with a new shirt because the one he arrived in was cut by Michelle’s razor sharp nails that were gripping him so tightly.

Back at the house Ella finds out she is the one that gets the next one on one date with Jake. Finally her time has arrived. She expresses her excitement with her “jazz hands”…oh no Ella, please stop doing that. We try to listen closely to Ella’s excitement but unfortunately all we can hear is Vienna in the background gushing about Jake and how she knows what he wants…blahblahblahblah.

Back to the group date and the girls getting lessons about being funny from John Lovitz. Seriously ABC, I think they would learn a lot more about being funny from someone that was actually funny. Ashleigh immediately goes into panic mode at the thought of having to get up and be funny on the spot. Well, I’m with you girl. At this point I would be over at the bar with my mouth directly under the tap..chugging the fear out of me…but that’s just me, I’m sure Ashleigh will choose to handle her fear in a little classier style.

John Lovits comes out first to give his five minutes of what he thinks is funny…but I have news for ABC…HE IS NOT FUNNY! He ranks right up there with Jay Leno and I think you all know how funny I think he is. In fact, Tenley and her pretzel contortioning self were a hell of a lot funnier than John Lovits was, and I was huddled behind the couch in the fetal position watching her turn herself into said pretzel, all for the love of the Bachelor. Seriously, how is it that someone like her, that can do that with her body is still single?

Elizabeth is surprisingly raunchy, Kathryn thought it was funny getting Jake on stage to get him to kiss her…more uncomfortable than funny, in my opinion. And then out comes Michelle…I don’t even know what to say here because I was not only huddled in the fetal position behind the couch watching her as well, but I was also trying to find a towel to stop the bleeding in my ears. The most classic part was watching Michelle’s reaction to Kathryn kissing Jake on stage. Michelle goes on and on about how she envisions her first kiss with Jake, you know the long, passionate, soft tongue in your mouth, ripping your clothes off kind of kiss. Dream on Michelle, not gonna happen…the only thing I can guarantee you that you have in your back pocket is a ticket home. And finally Corrie comes out and does impressions of all of the girls, which are kind of cute and funny until she reverts to doing nothing but ripping on Vienna. Jake thought she was funny but was upset with the fact that Vienna wasn’t there to defend herself.

The group date ends with a Wrap Part at the Roosevelt. At this time everyone is giddy with excitement drinking champagne and feeding Jake. Tenley is the first to go in for one on one time. I find myself wondering if she will take this opportunity to share her secret with Jake or if she will chicken out like weeks past. Alas, she gets up the nerve to tell Jake that she has been married, and was dumped by the only man she has ever kissed or had sex with. My feeling is that anyone that can’t tell the story of their divorce without bawling is not over their ex yet. Hello, Red Flag!

Pan back to the girls bitching and moaning and wondering if they will ever get one on one time with Jake. He comes in for Ashleigh and she takes the opportunity of course to rip on Vienna. Because like the other girls she has nothing in common with Vienna and if he is attracted to someone like her then how could he possibly like Ashleigh as well. He wonders, out loud, what it is about Vienna that he isn’t seeing that all of the girls are seeing.

We eventually get a shot of Ali toasting Corrie for having the balls to show Jake who the real Vienna is and Michelle wants absolutely nothing to do with the toast.

Michelle: I feel like I have a huge connection with Jake and I want desperately to get married and give my mom another grandchild, after all, my brother has already done it and it is my time! I didn’t leave my family, friends and job to have play time…I don’t need your help bitches! I came here to find love and get married…I WANT TO GET MARRIED!

Wow, I don’t know about you guys, but I am definitely clear on what Michelle wants.

Jake comes over to pull Michelle away from the other girls for some one on one…MISTAKE JAKE! I have a feeling this will not turn out very well…

Jake: Wow…it’s been a rough night

Michelle: Yeah, can’t you see I’ve been crying? Listen, I’m not overly dramatic or emotional. I just want you to know that I am here for you 100% and I feel like I am the only one taking this seriously. I really want a husband!

Jake: (taking a couple of steps back to give himself enough room to make a safe, quick exit) I believe you!

Michelle: Can I have a kiss? You know just to see if I really feel something genuine for you?

Jake kisses her but it is completely obvious to everyone, but Michelle, that he is NOT into her at all. He backs away after a very short unemotional kiss.

Michelle: (rolling her eyes) Seriously? You have to give me more than that!

Jake: (rolling his eyes and bowing his head)

Michelle: Why is your head down?

Jake: I’m just ready for this night to be over with

Michelle: (sensing something may be off, blurts out) I can’t stay. I want to because I really feel we have a connection (really Michelle? Is it a connection or desperation that you are feeling?)To be here this long and not really kiss you hurts me.

Jake: You decided once already to pack up your bags and leave and now tonight you said again that you want to leave. I think it would be better if you just leave.

Michelle: I can’t believe you are doing this. I really didn’t think it was going to end up this way

Jake: (speaking to the camera) Michelle was asking me to send her home, so I did. Her plan obviously backfired but I don’t want someone here that doesn’t really know if she wanted to be here.

Michelle: He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue this was coming. I wanted to kiss him, and I really mean kiss him…all I got was a peck. What was that all about?

Clearly…she didn’t get it and may never get it. Poor girl. I truly hope she has a good family and great friends at home that will take the cues of this crazy woman and admit her somewhere and get her some good help…because God knows, it’s clear to everyone, but her, that she needs it!

Jake: (speaking to the camera again) I really felt like I was making the right decision, so booting her out was easy. She was looking for love, but doesn’t know how to get there.

Status: Asked to Deplane

ONE ON ONE Date #2 with Ella

Ella’s date day finally arrives. Jake goes on and on about how much of a sacrifice she is making to be here. Ella is so shocked that they are picked up by a helicopter. Really Ella? Have you not ever seen past seasons of the Bachelor? Ella goes on and on about how great Jake is and how incredibly honest he is. Really Ella? He is dating 15 other women, what about that says “incredibly honest?”

Jake takes Ella to Sea World. Ella is overwhelmed with excitement when Jake says he has a surprise for her. She has no idea that Jake has brought in her son for the day…he was shocked about how excited she was to see her son…The situation was kind of corny but it was cute. Jake did get a long with Ethan and they seemed to connect. Unlike the scenario I see playing out if I were in Ella’s situation. Here is a snipit of what I visualize if it were me in Ella’s positon…

Jake: I have a surprise for you my beautiful Julie

Julie: OMG! What ever could it be Jake?

Jake: Look behind you

Julie: (with a look of oh shit on my face) OMG! I’m so excited to see my beautiful boys…I miss you so much

Gibson: Hey Jake, do you know what kind of chicken I like best?

Jake: No Gibson, what kind of chicken?

Gibson: The fried kind because I am a breast and leg man

Gibson: (moving in closer to Jake, whispering in his ear) Did you hear that Jake?

Jake: (while Gibson runs away giggling) No Gibson, I didn’t hear anything

Gibson: Well take a big wiff Jake because I just crop dusted you! Sucka! (for those of you that don’t know what crop dusting is, it’s when someone farts silently near you and then walks away…classy, I know)

This, my friends, is exactly why I would NEVER EVER be on any show that was nationally televised!

Eventually Jake and Ella boot the kid out to go play with a cheap paper airplane that Jake had given him so that they can have a little serious one on one time. Bad part about bringing your kid on a first date, besides the crop dusting, is the lack of kissing…just quiet hugs…Now hugs are good, but kisses are better!

Status: Cleared for Landing (my prediction is that she will be gone next week)


Jake pulls Elizabeth aside to try to get some clarification to the confusion he is experiencing with her.

Jake: I feel like I am sitting here with the queen of mixed signals. I think you are playing games with me. You are definitely confusing me. You have many different sides.

Elizabeth: I want to kiss you but it’s hard because I have a jealous side (oh, that clarification helped!)

Jake: I feel like people who do this kind of thing for spiritual reasons are cool, but that’s not why I think you are keeping me at a distance

Elizabeth: It’s not spiritual…I just want to know that I’m the only one you want before you kiss me. Do you want to kiss me?

Jake: Look tease! I’ve had enough!

Elizabeth: (laughing) Do you want to kiss me?

Jake: I’m confused!

Elizabeth: I know you want to kiss me.

Enter Vienna: Thank God someone came along to put us all out of our misery of this game of tease that Elizabeth is playing with Jake. But Elizabeth isn’t done…she comes back for more…

Elizabeth: Look Jake, I’m not vanilla…I’m all different colors of the rainbow. I can get a date any day of the week but I’m not looking for dates, I’m looking for love

Jake: Ok…but what does that have to do with colors of the rainbow?

Elizabeth: I don’t’ understand why you are pressuring me to kiss you Jake

Jake: pfffttt….stop dangling your affections in front of me like a carrot, bitch!

Hello Elizabeth…you are teasing him…he doesn’t want a kiss, you’re the one who thinks he wants to kiss you when in fact what he really wants to do is escort your ass to the minivan/taxi waiting out front for you. Jake looks deflated as he joins the other girls at the cocktail party…Hello ladies, get that boy a drink!

Rose Ceremony:

Cleared for Landing:


Asked to deplane:

On Elizabeth’s way out the door…

Jake: I’m so sorry. I had to go with my heart.

Elizabeth: I should have kissed you.

Jake: Damn it Bitch! You aren’t leaving because you wanted to/didn’t want to kiss me…you are leaving tonight because you are a big effing tease! Now where is that ABC intern…I need a cocktail!

Ahh the drama…I’m already anxiously awaiting next weeks episode!

The C word

I know…the title alone made you want to click on this post and read it, didn’t it? That’s ok…no need to be ashamed. I would have done the same thing. But I hate to disappoint you, this post is not about the “c” word that you maybe thought it was about. No, no…it’s another meme. This meme was given to me by another blogger…months ago…so, like usual, I can’t give credit where credit is due because I have no memory of who gave me this challenge. But what I can tell you is that this blogger gave me the letter “c” and asked me to write a little something about the first 10 words that come to my mind that start with the letter “c”. So here goes…

1. Craptastic. I would define this word as something that is perceived to be fantastic but is actually pretty crappy. This is a word that when I first heard it, I never thought I would use, but because it can be a perfect descriptive word when using sarcasm, of course, I LOVE IT!

2. Chingus. This is a word that I like to think I made up. Whether I did or not, I don’t know, but honestly, I have never ever heard anyone else but myself use this word. Chingus, to me, is the equivalent of “thingamajig”. It is a word that I use when trying to think of the word or phrase that I am actually talking about. You know like…”You know, that chingus that you use to brush your teeth.” Yes, a toothbrush…exactly! But if you are anything like me, simple words like these are often difficult to recall on a daily basis…There, I said it…I’m getting old and can’t remember crap (another favorite “c” word of mine).

3. Cankels. This word, quite frankly, just makes me giggle. I don’t ever use it, but I do laugh whenever I hear it. For those of you that don’t know the definition of this word it is often used to describe someone of a larger stature, or when someone’s calves and ankles are the same size…hence, cankels. I know, it’s not a nice word, but it makes me giggle. I’m not proud!

4. Colts, the Indianapolis variety. I can’t write about words that start with the letter “c” and not talk about the Indianapolis Colts. What kind of a fan would that make me? Giddy up Colts! Here’s hoping we go all the way to the Superbowl in 2010!

5. Cats. I can’t believe I am even giving these feline creatures a spot on my blog. What can I say besides, I HATE CATS! I don’t get them and I don’t get why people would want to own them. I’m sorry if this upsets any of my loyal readers, but I’m not a big fan of cats. And what I really don’t understand is single men that have cats…I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that there are an abnormal amount of single women that own cats and will probably one day be known as a cat lady in their neck of the woods, but a single guy with cats…that’s just plain wrong!

6. Comments. I’m like every other blogger out there…I LOVE COMMENTS! I guess you could call me a comment whore! Keep ‘em coming people. I love the support that my followers and fans give me via my comments. Whether good or bad, it always brightens my day to know that people are reading my blog and supporting my writing. Thanks guys!

7. C. S. I. Nope, not the TV show…I usually use C.S.I. to describe myself. Cute. Single. Intelligent. I know…I’m a rare breed these days.

8. Cactus. This word I had never heard used this particular way before I started watching the Jersey Shore. I’m actually very embarrassed to tell you that I have been sucked in by that train wreck of a show. But it is partially due to the language. I learn so many new words just by watching. And so far, cactus has been my favorite. They use it all of the time to describe an ugly girl. As in…”that girl is cactus, there is no way I would date her.” And by cactus, they mean someone who is so ugly that it pricks your eyes when you look at her. Classy, isn’t it?

9. Chester Drawers. I laugh every time I think of this. This is what my six year old calls his dresser or Chest of drawers…cute, isn’t it?

10. Chillaxed. This is going to be my word of the year for 2010. I plan to figure out how to become someone who can learn to enjoy this ultra relaxed state in which nothing matters. And as a part of this “chillaxed” phase, I am going to incorporate Sunday naps too. And I don’t just mean the kind of naps where you fall asleep while watching Sunday afternoon football. I mean deliberate, “bed naps” where you tuck yourself in and take a good two or three hour Sunday afternoon nap. Now that’s what I’m talking about! Hello 2010!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to this weeks edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down...
Top Ten Rules for Men on Women

10. Call when you say you are going to call

9. The correct answer to “do I look fat” is never ever “YES”

8. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed

7. Hat does not equal shower just as aftershave does not equal soap

6. Answering “Who was that on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation

5. No means no. Yes means yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time and it could change without notice.

4. Think boxers or boxer briefs

3. Victoria Secret, good…Fredricks of Hollywood, bad

2. Buying dinner is not foreplay

And the number one rule for men on women…

1. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that we have to go through labor while you are out smoking cigars with your buddies isn’t fair either, but it does balance everything out.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Times they are a changin

I got an email the other day with the Subject: You know you are a child of the 70’s if… You know this email, we have all seen it. You are a child of the 70’s if you had a bike with a banana seat or a shirt with the slogan “Frankie says Relax” or wore neon, or wore two polo shirts with the collars flipped up, or swatch watches and on and on and on and on…

Well, this email got me thinking. Huge societal changes are not just generational, but often happen right under our noses like it was just yesterday. So I sat down and started thinking about some of the things in the past five years that have changed my life as I once knew it.

1. We will probably never ever be able to board an airplane again without first taking off our shoes. This is disgusting if you really think about it. In fact, this grosses me out so much so that when I travel I usually carry an extra pair of socks in my bag and put those on immediately after walking through security.

2. How did we ever used to get around without MapQuest, Google Maps or a GPS? Remember the days when our paretns had to make a stop at AAA to pick up a Trip Tic before heading out of town for vacation?

3. Have you ever noticed that everything is new? Like the new 40 is 30? The new 50 is 40? No wonder I can’t figure out how old I am or remember when my kids birthdays are. It’s just our way of not facing the reality that we are getting older by the minute.

4. How did we ever learn things about our friends or see pictures of our friends before My Space, Face Book, Blogging and Twitter? How did we spend our spare time? Reading maybe? Going to Museums? Hell, I don’t know. But I will tell you this, we definitely weren’t out partying with our cell phones and uploading our fun party pictures to FaceBook even before we got our first drink at the bar. Seriously people, if you have more than a hundred pictures of yourself on your FaceBook or MySpace page (that were uploaded by you)…you have some serious vanity issues!

5. How did we ever get along without cell phones? Andy by this I don’t mean the “cell phone aspect” of the cell phone. I mean texting, and applications, and internet searching at your finger tips. To this day, if I walk out of the house without my cell phone, I will ALWAYS turn around and go get it…no matter the distance. I don’t want to take the chance of missing something important! Like a text from a certain someone who will remain nameless! In fact, at night, I have to turn my phone on silent, otherwise I will lay awake wondering who is texting or emailing every time my phone beeps. There is nothing more disappointing than being awake for hours wondering who texted you at 10pm and finally convincing yourself that it is ok to check the text at midnight only to find out it was SPAM from Viagra…very irritating!

6. How did we ever manage to see our girlfriends before Book Clubs or weekly reality TV watching parties? Thank you Oprah! And we all know how difficult it is for me to thank Oprah for anything… (I can’t stand that woman) but a good excuse to hang out with my friends and I will give props to Oprah.

7. I don’t know how I ever survived without 24 hour news. The moment I wake up my TV goes on, usually to Fox News…sometimes CNN…depending on the topic. I love the Today Show, and I must always stop channel surfing when I come across Nancy Grace or Glenn Beck…those two…CRAZY, but I have to watch! How else would I keep up on Balloon boy or Casey Anthony or Brangelina…pertinent info people! In fact, the other day, Indianapolis was getting a snow storm…ok 4-5 inches of snow, but you would have thought it was a blizzard. And when our local news station decided to stay on from 7am-8am, instead of go to the Today Show...I was pissed! I'm addicted! But I got over it!

8. How did we ever survive without Digital Cameras? Remember all of those trips to the photo shop to get film developed? Talk about a major expense, especially when you would send in a role with 36 pictures and only one or two of them were good enough to keep. How did narsasistic people share pictures of themselves with the world on MySpace or Facebook? Thank God for digital cameras!

9. I used to laugh because my grandma couldn’t live without her weekly dose of the Enquirer. Now I am the biggest celebrity gossip whore there is. I think I get at least 5 or six magazines a week that all say the SAME thing and have the same pictures, but it’s an addiction that I cant seem to stop. In fact, I spent New Years Eve with a friend and he had purchased a Celebrity Gossip magazine for me to read…God love him! Even my friends feed into my addictions!

10. And Last but not least, did you ever think “fat” would become the enemy of the state? I mean seriously, didn’t New York ban trans fats a couple of years ago? And then didn’t Alabama introduce a tax on overweight state workers because Alabama ranked very high (like maybe in the top 5) in the national obesity rankings?

So when do we stop? When do the things we do officially become deemed “old fashioned” or “out of style”? How soon will it be until we aren't able to walk into a library and check out a book, or when will we not be able to buy a magazine at the local book store. In another ten years will we be saying things like, “remember when our cars didn’t fly or when we had to actually go to a doctor’s office to be diagnosed with something?" Frankly, this race to “be better and prettier” scares the crap out of me. I wish that, just this once, we could slow down and enjoy the things that we have now, instead of always trying to figure out a way to make them better. Maybe one day we will stop being what I like to call an “instant gratification” society. But until then, I’m gonna buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

You had me at hello

Courtship has changed! As a matter of fact, it isn’t even a thought in the relationship game anymore. In the early 1900’s a man would not even think about approaching a woman without her permission first. In the 1950’s girls were looked down on if they made the first move and now in the 21st century, girls not only call boys first, but they often initiate dates and pay for them. Am I really that old fashioned? Is it wrong that I like to be courted and felt appreciated by a man? Is it too much to ask for the man to make the first move? Come to think of it, maybe this is why I am still single. Maybe I’m not aggressive enough. But call me “old fashioned”…I will never change my ways.

It seems to me anymore that dating has become an industry. It has melded into some sort of a sophisticated social science, and I was never good at science. There are coaches, and experts and rules, oh my! It has become some sort of a job. And just like any real job, you get out of it what you put into it. We are taught to think of dating as fun and fabulous. Apparently, all it takes is implementing the right tools, strategies and support staff to make it happen. Well, I got news for you…whoever said that is obviously not single!

We seem to be stuck in the era of hook-ups, walks of shame, online dating and sexting. It used to be that two people spent time together to get to know one another, but now it just seems like people get together to fill some sort of void or need in their lives. Things seemed simpler when I was dating some twenty odd years ago. A guy asked me out, we went out to dinner to get to know each other, we either decided we weren’t right for each other or continued dating. Nowadays, girls are asking guys out, going to clubs and bars, not having any kind of fruitful discussions, hooking up and then moving on. It seems to me that to most people, dating is all about the numbers more than the emotional relationships. I wonder whatever happened to our moral compass?

The changes in dating have made it very difficult for some relationships to be defined. The line between friends and lovers has become considerably blurry. Friends with benefits is a great example of this and can often be what leads to what I like to call “relationship purgatory”. It can often cause unwanted resentment, bitterness and confusion.

And the thrill of meeting someone new for the first time…well, that doesn’t seem to exist anymore either. Initial first date butterflies have taken a backseat to what I like to refer to as “google stalking”. I will admit it, before I go out on a first date with someone I google them to see what comes up. And often the bubble is burst and the “newness” of a potential suitor is no longer there. The excitement of meeting someone for the first time is gone because before we even meet our first date, we usually already know the basics this person.

Face to face conversations are no longer the norm either. Come to think of it, neither is talking on the phone. I can’t think of the last time I had a good telephone conversation with someone I was dating. Technology has allowed texting and emails to take the forefront on relationship communication. It has stunted the growth of intimacy because we engage in less and less direct interaction with each other.

And online dating…don’t make me go there. This little social dating invention has given people the permission they need to become a sort of “jack of all trades” and a master in none when it comes to trying to establish intimacy with one person, because it is often superseded by having several relationships of less substance. In my opinion, online dating is what has given us the ok to stop taking dating so seriously.

Now people just date other people out of convenience. I had a friend that once told me she was dating this guy (who was awesome, by the way) because he was good for her “right now.” He filled her void now, even though she knew he wasn’t long term material for her. This is the kind of crap that really irritates me about being single. It’s the selfishness of lonely people that often prevents “good catches” from getting caught by the right person.

The scary part is that dating has changed so much so over the past twenty plus years that perspectives and morals are quite different from how they used to be. And if our world is changing that rapidly in just twenty years, then what does that say for our future? What kind of dating atmosphere will our children be subjected to when they are our age? It seems to me that individuals are more and more reluctant to risk losing their independence, hence the reasons for dates of less substance.

Dating means different things to different people Too me, it is two fold, first, to get to know a potential life partner, and second, to get to know myself better. I can honestly say that I have spent the last three or four years trying to get to know a possible life partner. It’s not working for me. So I have deemed 2010 my year of getting to know myself better, and so far I like what I am learning!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Jake makes my heart smile

Ok…I have to admit. It is five minutes before the start of The Bachelor, week #2 and I am dying of anticipation. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning anxiously waiting at the top of the stairs while my parents prepare the house for Christmas morning magic. Come on! Come on! I think I may pee my pants I’m so excited.

Did I just say that out loud? How embarrassing!

Week #2, 15 women remaining…let the cat fight, jealousy, making out and tears begin.

Our host, Chris comes in to meet the group of giddy girls after their first night in the Swingers Club…ahem…Bachelorette Hous,e and shares the rules with them. Each week there will be dates and a rose at stake at each date. He reminds the girls to take advantage of their time with Jake because not everyone will get the opportunity to go on a date each week.

The first date card arrives and you would have thought Ryan Reynolds had just walked into the house…the screeching and giggling was enough to make me want to claw my eyes out. Anyway, the first date cards reads: A picture is worth a thousand words. The girls chosen are Gia (Resident Slut), Roz (Little Rose), Valisha (Reality Check), Corrie (SJP), Christina (Bee-otch), and Ashleigh H (Jack Tripper), a good mix of girls. Once the names were read the ABC Camera man immediately pans over to Michelle (Resident Psycho) because his instinct is that she is already fuming with anger that she didn’t get picked for the first date, and he was right.

Group Date #1- InStyle Phot Shoot
Jake pulls up to the house in a stretch Cadillac SUV limo. He gets out of the vehicle and I immediately think “yummy” until they pan down and I get a good look at his entire outfit. His pants, waaaaay to tight and his shirt is unbuttoned down to his navel. I think to myself, John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever while quietly reprimanding the ABC Stylist in my head.

Jake and the girls head to an InStyle photo shoot. Christiana (Bee-otch) is immediately nervous because she is not a model and is surrounded by models. Maybe it’s all those Jelly Beans she has been eating. According to the photographer, Roz (little rose) is “gorg”…I’m hoping that “gorg” is short for gorgeous and not the word gorge, meaning to pig out. I think he only said that about her because she “accidentally” flashed her “Who Ha” to him while posing with Jake….anything to get ahead, right Roz? The ABC Camera man then pans to the editor and Christina having a discussion on how to enhance Christina’s features. She says “make me skinny with really big boobs!” Nice Christina…Nice!

Christina’s insecurities become painfully obvious to Jake so he, of course, comes to her rescue and puts her at ease. Let the eye rolling and caddiness from the competition begin. She looks at Jake and says “just like prom, all over again”. He looks at her with a…no, no, nothing like prom, I’m not going to have sex with you at the end of the evening, look…he compliments her…she gushes about him…blah, blah,blah!

At the InStyle after party we hear a myriad of conversations, from Gia’s past relationships to Valisha’s at home Bible Studies, to Roz informing us of her game plan to “snag” the rose. Ashleigh H., is refed to as the “bikini buster” gets the party started by asking Jake to change into his swim trunks and join her in the pool. Finally, a naked chest scene! Thank you Bikini Buster! The other girls quickly change and join them in the pool.

I have just one question for you ABC, when are you going to have a Bachelor/Bachelorette for normal women, you know like 5’7 150lbs women…not size 0 and 2 women and not larger women, but average size 10 women? I’m just saying!

Back at the house the doorbell rings and giggling insues. A note and a small package are waiting for the touch of a sweaty palmed hopeful. The note reads: for the lucky girl that gets a one on one date. That’s it…no name on the card, but the necklace inside of the box…holy balls it’s beautiful! Michelle immediately grabs for the necklace and puts it on because she assumes the first girl that puts the necklace on gets the first one on one date…sorry Michelle, it’s not that easy! Wa! Wa! Wa! I laughed my ass off when we hear someone in the background say “oh great the necklace is tainted” as ABC pans to a commercial. Gotta love a friendly competition amongst women!

One last time we pan back to the InStyle Wrap Party and see Christina and Jake cozying up on the couch. Christina is trashed and babbling and the look on Jakes face is priceless. Can you say “see you at the reunion show Christina?” Roz interrupts the embarrassment, Christina is pissed and immediately asks for a shot…Classy Christina, real classy! That’s the way to win your man. Roz and Jake are talking and flirting and Roz goes in for the kiss and a make out session insues. Jake leaves to go get the date rose for Roz. Of course she accepts the Rose, she’s a competitor…what would you expect? In Roz’s interiview after getting the rose she actually says “I’m not caddy but if someone gets in the way I will get ‘em and get em hard”. She then goes on to say she is glad she got the rose because she can now “be herself”…hmmm…shouldn’t you be yourself before you get the rose Roz?

The doorbell rings again back at the house and the date card arrives, it says: Ali, come fly with me….Jake. The ABC camera man immediately pans to Michelle who is shooting Ali daggers. Ali (Peacock) is overwhelmed and tearing up. I will say this a hundred more times in this season…I LOVE ALI! Please don’t screw it up honey, you are so freaking cute!

One-on-One Date with Ali
Jake arrives for his date with Ali on his motorcycle wearing what I think is the largest motorcycle helmet I have ever seen! Thank God he gives it to Ali and puts on a much smaller one when he picks her up for the date. Now she officially looks like a goof and not him.

They arrive at the airport and hop on a single engine prop plane, piloted by Jake of course, and head to Palm Springs and by golly if there wasn’t an “On the Wings of Love” video montage of their flight…Classic! Once they land in Palm Springs they hop in a classic red and white convertible and can I just say again, they look sooooooo freaking cute together! I love their chemistry! It makes me feel like I am watching a Cary Grant/Audrey Hepburn movie. They arrive at a gazebo in the middle of nowhere for dinner and Jake starts the conversation…

Jake: So tell me about your past relationships.

Ali: Can I name them?

Jake:(has a puzzled look on his face but shakes his head yes anyway.)

Ali: Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan and now you…Jake (Jakes eyes grow bigger and bigger with each name)

Back at the house the doorbell rings again and another date card is waiting. The date card reads: Love has it’s ups and downs. The girls chosen to go on the date, Elizabeth (Sporty), Jessie (Flamenco Girl), Kathryn (Fresh Air), Ashley E (Broken Picker), and Vienna (Paris). These choices make for a very awkward moment as Michelle (Resident Psycho), Tenley (Virgin) and Ella (Babby Daddy) realize they aren’t chosen. As predicted the ABC Cameraman plays a voice over of Michelle saying “I am not ordinary like these other women, I’m the nice girl that everyone hates. Jake has showed me that he doesn’t want to be with me, so tough for him.” I immediately think, “this is gonna get good.” Michelle gets up and walks away from the group of girls…I wonder where she is going?

While all this is going on at the house Jake gives Ali the rose at dinner and leans in to kiss her (note: while there have been several “kissing moments” at the house, this is the first kiss that Jake has actually been the instigator of)…you go ALI!!!!!! She is soooo freaking cute, natural, down to earth. Again, I love their chemistry! They are especially cute while dancing around at their private Chicago concert. So sweet! Apparently Jake has inspired Alit to try love again. Afterall, it didn’t work out with Jim, Jason, Jared or Jordan…the fifth “j” should be the charm, right?

Group Date #2: Six Flags Amusement Park
The second group date is at Six Flags. Jake apparently likes group dates because it is perfect for forming friendships and his soul mate must be his friend first. Good line Jake…good line! In typical fashion, during the group date we pan back to the house and Michelle invoking drama by packing her bags. The girls are begging her to stick around (while secretly hoping she goes home) and Michelle isn’t buying it. She says “I’m not getting the chance to hang out with him so what is the purpose of sticking around? (hello…for our entertainment, Psycho) Why would I stay if I can only get five minutes of his time at the cocktail party?” Roz tries to tell her that maybe he has already decided to keep her around and give her a rose. Michelle doesn’t buy it…hello attention whore!

Elizabeth gets the first one on one time with Jake at Six Flags. And because she is a lot like me and better with the written word than the spoken word she pulls a handwritten note out of her pocket and reads it to him word for word in a very unemotional monotone voice. (note: I’m in the fetal postion hiding behind my couch right now, I’m so emberassed for her) She reads her note, blah, blah, blah and the only thing I catch her saying is “please don’t kiss me until you are ready to admit that It’s me and only me that you want to kiss. This doesn’t mean I am not into you, I just want you to understand from where I am coming.” Jake thinks it’s cute. I think she is crazy. Let me place my bet now that she will instigate their first kiss and it will be either this episode or the third episode…mark my words people. We all know he is secretly asking himself, how long do I keep her around and not look like an idiot for kicking her off because she won’t let me make out with her?”

Vienna has a shocker of a secret to tell Jake too. So she pulls him aside to tell him that when she was in high school she was engaged to her Pastors Son. They broke it off when she was just 17 and the boy immediately turned around (within a month) and married someone else and had a kid. So she did what every typical high school girl would do and rebelled by running off and eloping…she was just 17. She was divorced within four months. Jake didn’t even get time to react when Ashley (Broken Picker) brings Jake a Margaritta. There is absolutely no spark between Jake and Ashley. She even admitted she gave him the “you can kiss me look” and got nothing but a hug from him. Ouch! Much to everyone’s dismay Elizabeth gets the rose. He dismisses all of the girls except for Elizabeth because he has s special surprise for her. I hope it isn’t a kiss Jake, because you aren’t going to get that! They go and sit on a bench to talk and the cheesiest fireworks display lights up the sky. Elizabeth asks Jake if he wants to kiss her, he says yes, she says she wants to kiss him too, he says he respects her not wanting to kiss him and goes in for the awkward forehead kiss. Classic Jake!

The cocktail party
Elizabeth and Roz are both cocky bitches about getting their roses. In fact Roz actually says, on camera, “I don’t have to worry about whether or not I am staying because I have a rose bee-otch”.

Jake arrives and immediately steals Ella away to surprise her with a cheesy birthday cupcake. Ella thinks Jake makes her heart smile and that they have an unbelievable connection. Tenley steals Jake away in hopes of having the opportunity to tell him that she has been married and divorced. He immediately asks her about her past relationships and she freezes. Hello, open door…just slammed in your face. She walks away without sharing her big secret with Jake. In the meantime, Michelle is demanding to the girls that Jake come and get her to talk. He must have sensed her evil request and shows up to take her away for a little one on one. Michelle gets a few special moments and gets visibly pissed when Christina comes to steal Jake away. Michelle’s desperation is scary!

Chris, the host interrupts the caddy girls and pulls Roz outside.

Chris: Do you know why I pulled you out here?

Roz: No (oh come on Roz…I think you know why you are out there)

Chris: you have entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. He has been fired. We feel it is impossible for you to be able to form a meaningful relationship with Jake.

Roz: so you think there are no other girls that fell for other people before coming on the show

Chris: no that’s not what I’m saying. What you did was have an inappropriate relationship with a staffer after already coming onto the show.

Roz: I don’t think my personal life is anyone else’s business (really Roz?)

Chris: We take this seriously. A line was crossed with our staffer.

Roz: I’m not going to say anything else, it puts me in a bad position (you think?)

Chris: we aren’t judging, we are just trying to deal with the situation. Bottom line, we feel because of what happened it is impossible for you to continue on the show. Does this make sense? We need you to leave tonight. I know you received a rose so you aren’t packed. Go pack your stuff a van is waiting.

Roz: I didn’t do anything deceitful. It just happened. Ok. Bye!

Wow! Clearly Roz doesn’t get it. But I do love the fact that she has a 400lb guy watching over her as she packs her stuff up. Chris goes to tell Jake and he is visibly shaken. Jake is pissed that he wasted his time with Roz. Jake and Chris tell the girls together and immediately tears and anger start spilling out of them. Jake apologizes and Michelle steps up and says “well I’m sorry too…I’m just here to get to know you Jake.” Hello…awkward! Tenly breaks down because she relates this deception back to her being deceived by her ex-husband. Someone is going to have to pull her out of her puddle of tears for the rose ceremony. All I can say is “girls pull yourselves together. If someone were really smart they would go find Jake and help him lick his wounds.” But of course, no one is that smart

Rose Ceremony
The drama…the anticipation…the music…oi vei!

Cleared for landing: Ali (Peacock)
Elizabeth (Sporty)
Vienna (Paris)
Gia (Resident Slut)
Tenley (Virgin)
Ella (Baby Daddy)
Valisha (Reality Check)
Corrie (SJP)
Jessie (Flamenco Girl)
Ashleigh H. (Jack Tripper)
Michelle (Resident Psycho)

Asked to deplane: Christina (Bee-otch) at least she has the jelly beans to console her
Ashley (Broken Picker)
Roz (Little Rose)

Whew! Another week down…Im already looking forward to next week.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Open Letters

Dear Hamilton and Gibson,

I am a much better communicator of the written word than I am of the spoken word. So I am hoping that when I write out the following statement (in all Caps, which of course means I am mad), that I will finally be heard. So here goes…


I love you,

Dear Dude in the Hummer riding my ass during the snow storm,

I would appreciate it if you would back up. I am very aware that you are behind me and my little 2010 Honda Accord on the snow covered roads. Believe me, I am aware! But here is a hint…I’m not going to drive any faster. So either pick up your speed and go over me, or turn on your turn signal and go around me.

Thank you,
Cautious driver

Dear Teenage girls at Super Target,

You don’t look as cool as you think you do talking very loudly about how drunk you were at your friends New Years Eve Party. Believe me, it’s not cool when your 21 or 41 so it definitely isn’t cool when your still a teenager.

Unfortunately you will only appreciate this letter after you have had kids of your own.

An unimpressed mom

Dear Food Industry,

Tofu does not taste like chicken, low fat cheese does not taste the same as regular cheese and fat free ice cream, what the hell were you thinking. Stop trying to convince me otherwise. I’m not buying it. And those that are buying it are lying to you and to themselves!

Yours truly,
A Foodie

Dear Scarlett Johannsen,

This letter is to inform you that you may divorce Ryan Reynolds at any time. I promise you I will be here with open arms to support him and love him through this difficult time. I can promise you that I will never hate you for setting him free.

Now, your singing career, on the other hand, I will hate you if you continue that…you are not good at it. Give it up. As I always say, if you really love something
(ie: Ryan and singing)you should set it free.

Ryan’s 2nd Wife

Dear Toxic Friend,

I saw you on Friday at Panera. You looked sad. I wanted to hug you. I smiled at you but I don’t think you saw me. I miss you, but I also know that us not being friends is much better for me.

Hope you are well,
Hurt by your comments

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