Thursday, June 30, 2011

I have a date

This weekend is going to be very exciting in the He Who Laughs Last household. Not only will there be the consumption of lots of food and alcohol, good concerts, lots of family, girlfriend time and awesome fireworks, but sprinkled in amongst all that 4th of July goodness, is a date.

Stop rubbing your head in confusion…you heard me correct…a date.

But not just any date.

Oh no, this date will be unlike any other date I have ever been on. In fact, it will be a first in the book of He Who Laughs Last.

No, it’s not with Ryan Reynolds…damn people, stop getting me all excited about something that we all know will never happen!

I have a date with….drum roll please….

…my shower head!

And I’m so excited!

Yep, I even put it on my calendar for Saturday afternoon, in between my haircut and the Motley Crue concert. Oh yeah…you heard me correct…Motley Crue…4th row. (I hope to have some exciting stories to report about his particular event)…Motley Crue, not the date with “Mr. Shower head”.

And because I haven’t had much luck dating lately, I did what any single girl would do who is anxious about a date…I googled him…and I came up with multiple DIY instructions.

I’m anxious, excited and nervous all at the same time…kind of like a real date. The only difference is, I won’t be shaving my legs for this one.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be good…I can feel it!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Match maker, Match maker, make me a match...

In case you aren’t aware yet, my kids are all about finding me a significant other. I would say it’s because they care about their mom’s happiness, but that would be a lie. I believe, in my heart, that they care so much about it because I care so much about it. They know I’m writing a book…they know I have this blog. They don’t read either, but they always say things like, “that would be good for your blog” or “hey mom, can we watch the Tooth Fairy? You know there is a little eye candy in that movie for you?”

Is this right...No.

Is this good parenting…No.

But, it is what it is, I am who I am…I’m not gonna hide it from anyone...not even my kids.

Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not the kind of girl who brings home every guy I go on a date with. In fact, in the six years I have been divorced, my dad has met three of the guys I dated, and my kids have met one. I even dated a guy for 9 months that I didn’t introduce to my kids or my dad.

I’m very protective of who my family, especially my kids, meet!

So, tonight, I’m at home, doing some writing when I hear the pitter patter of three seven year old boys coming up the stairs. Ok…if I were being honest with you, I would tell you that I smelled three sweaty seven year olds coming up the stairs before I could hear them. I hate the way kids smell when they have been running and playing outside in the heat…it smells like a college fraternity in my house…I can’t wait to break out the Febreeze when they all go home.

Anyway, back on track…Gibson, and his two friends Brycen and Dillon come barreling up the stairs. Gibson starts yelling at me with excitement, “mom…mom…Dillon’s dad is at the park you have to come down and meet him.

Now, you might be wondering why Gibson was so excited for me to meet Dillon’s dad. No, it’s not because he is single. It’s because Gibson has been dying to go to Dillon’s house to play and every time he asks I say no. Why do I say no? I say no, because I have never met Dillon’s parents before. And I guess I’m just the kind of mom that is protective enough of my kids that I need to meet the parents living in the houses that my kids spend time in before they actually spend time there.

It makes sense, right?

So I go downstairs and walk across the street to the park, and Dillon’s dad comes over to me and says (and I quote verbatim), "Hi, I’m Tim. I’m Dillon’s dad. It’s nice to finally meet you. Gibson talks a lot about you and reminds me every time that I see him that I would love you because you are funny and single.”

I kid you not…I can’t make this stuff up people.

I’m standing there, uncomfortable, embarrassed and anxious to go back inside when Tim realizes that he probably embarrassed me and says, “you wouldn’t be interested in me anyway, I’m married with 4 kids under the age of nine…that’s enough to scare all the ladies off.”

I openly laughed out loud of the truthfulness in his words.

Uncomfortable, inappropriate, and priceless all at the same time!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Random thoughts...

To the guy next to me at the red light, I can see you picking your nose…even through tinted windows, please stop.

You can never convince a 10 and 7 year old that their grumpy and whiney behavior is due to the fact that they are tired. They never think they are tired.

A weekly manicure and pedicure is the best thing a girl could do for herself.

Flashing my way to the front row of a Motley Crue concert in my 20’s was a thrill. Doing it in my 40’s could be a reality in the next couple of weeks, this both excites me and frightens me at the same time.

This week my dad took my kids to see a movie. He gave them two choices, either Green Lantern, or Mr. Popper’s Penguins. Gibson’s response was “we better see Mr. Popper’s Penguins, mommy will be mad if we go see her boyfriend without her.” Man, I love that boy, always thinking about his momma!

One thing I both love and hate about my new job is that they highly encourage employees to bring a spouse or significant other to most company functions/meetings/seminars. That’s a lot of pressure for a girl without a significant other anywhere in sight.

I have 3 weeks and 3 days to find a “significant other”. I’m not feeling good about my chances.

Wonders how my brothers and I ever survived without XBOX, Wii, iPods, cell phones, and cable television.

WARNING: if you ask a child for thoughts on what you are wearing, they WILL BE HONEST with you! And I quote Gibson verbatim this weekend…”mom, if you wear that dress, you will be single for the rest of your life.” I wore the dress anyway, and now more than ever, I believe his every word.

Wishing my house clean, does NOT make my house clean.

I love my new Nook…hence the reason my house is not clean.

Having dinner with new girlfriends is awesome! But when one of those new girlfriends is texting/IM’ing on her cell phone the entire evening, it becomes very clear that she will NOT be a new girlfriend. I don’t have time for people that won’t take five minutes to get to know me and realize that I can be more entertaining than a damn cell phone in a nice restaurant….bitter, party of 1?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Summer Lovin'

Summer started this week!

I’m so excited!

Here’s just a few things I’m lovin’ for summer…

1. Iced tea…

...I’m not gonna lie…I drink it year round. But in the summer it tastes especially good!

2. Running through the sprinkler

…the laughter that this insues is priceless

3. Ryan Reynolds…shirtless

…no other explanation necessary

4. Road Trips with the one you love

…of course I’m still working on “the one you love” part

5. Being carefree

6. Sun flowers

7. Watermelon

8. Girlfriends

9. Berries


10. Fourth of July

…Freedom…Independence…Enough said!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Word of the Day

I made up a word this weekend.

Closure-ish: (n) A part of closure; to make oneself believe that one has received finality in a relationship in order to desperately pack away thoughts in the back of one’s mind, never to be seen again…until the next time the phone rings.

Yep…that’s a pretty accurate definition, don’t you think?

Don’t think I just came up with this word out of the blue. Oh no, there is a story behind it.

As most of you know, I got my heart broken in February by Mr. Jackhole. It’s the story of my life! For those of you that don’t know, I allowed myself to become vulnerable and let my walls down for the first time in six years with Mr. Jackhole. He swore he wouldn’t eff up the relationship, but he did.

I wasn’t surprised.

Anyway, the past 4 months he has been sending me random text messages to “check up on me”. Until a couple of weeks ago, I would just give him very brief curt responses to his messages. Then one day a couple of weeks ago, we began carrying on actual conversations via text. I figured, why not…what could it hurt to be nice to the guy?

I’m not one that holds grudges for any length of time.

Long story short, he came to town this past weekend.

We met for drinks.

He brought his “A Game”.

Damn you Mr. Jackhole…I love you’re “A Game”!

He was sweet, funny, talkative and most important, apologetic. He apologized for everything. We talked, laughed and drank the night away. I can’t tell you how many times I just wanted to forget the past and how much he hurt me and just let things go back to the way they used to be between us.

Because I will admit, things were great between us.

Every time he made me remember how good things were between us, I put my mind in reverse and reminded myself how much he hurt me in the end. When we kissed, I had to force myself to remember how he effed things up between us. And each time he made me laugh, I immediately replaced the laughter with the recollection of the painful end to our relationship.

It was this that enabled me to remind him that he effed things up between us and that I didn't know if I could trust him again.

Closure-ish…I’m good until the next time I see him or he texts me…

A girl can only be so strong for so long!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

What men want

I have met so many fabulous people at my new job! I mean FABULOUS! They are not only fun to work with, but the best part is that the ones I sit next to have the same sense of humor as I do…you know, dry, witty and very VERY sarcastic…and this makes work FUN.

I was having lunch with some of them on Friday and one of the guys made this comment to me, he said, “it’s no wonder you are still single, guys like to be needed and it is very clear that you don’t “need” a guy.”

I was shocked!

He was right…I don’t “need” a guy…but I "want" one.

So, we carried on with the conversation a little more…you know in a very funny, sarcastic way. He got all “girly” and giggled at everything I said…you know in a way that girls are supposed to when they want to get the attention of a guy.

Yeah…that’s not my style.

My style is to show the guys that come across my path, that I am a put together independent woman. I have a great job that I love. I can support myself and my family. I own my own house. I have my shit together (thanks to 4 years of therapy). I have a great ex-husband who is a terrific father. I have two boys that are at a stage where they realize that it is a good possibility that I will be in a relationship one day with someone other than their dad.

These qualities are what makes me…me!

Apparently, these qualities scare men off.

So here’s the deal. I had an ah ha moment this weekend. And here it is…

I guess I do need a man in my life!

You know what made me come to this conclusion?

Here it is…

I hate my showerhead!

Yep…that’s what made me realize that I NEED a man in my life.

So here’s the deal…I need a man to come over and fix it for me.

It has been driving me crazy for months now, and I’m afraid to take it apart and fix it, at the risk of breaking it.

I could wait for my brother to come to town and fix it, but I don’t think I can wait that long. You know, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl!

So if your single, a handyman, have your own tools, are emotionally stable, and available at all this week, let me know…I will even buy you dinner after!

Will it help if I giggle and bat my eyes when I ask, would that be more appealing to you?

Monday, June 13, 2011


So…here’s a question for you…

Between me and my dad, who do you think currently has a great dating life?


I will give you one small hint.

No wait…I will just give you the answer…

…It’s NOT me!

For those of you that know my dad, you probably had to re-read this to make sure you read it correctly. For years, my dad has been totally against dating and being social. But something in him has recently clicked and he has been on some dates with the same woman the past month or two.

I’m so stoked for him!

It’s been almost 12 years since my mom died and I’m glad he is finally feeling comfortable enough to get out there and be social.

And the best part is that my friend has someone she wants to fix him up with too. So not only is he going on several dates with the same woman, but he also has one in the waiting if anything goes wrong with this new woman.

I know, it’s fabulous!

Now, if we could just flip the switch and put someone good in my path to date, and maybe line one up in case that doesn’t work out, it would be much appreciated!


Find me a date!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Three things I'm obsessed with this week

1. Google is a guitar today...I LOVE GOOGLE!

2. The Weiner-T...come on, you know you want one!

3. NBC's new show, "Love in the Wild"...hello, sign me up!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Gibson's DO TO list

I’m a list girl.

I’m embarrassed to admit it but I get a certain amount of satisfaction when I cross things off of my “To Do” list at the end of each day.

I get this trait from my dad…he is not a list guy, per say, but he is very very organized. In fact, he is so organized that at times it can get annoying.

Knowing this about me, you can imagine how proud I was when I pulled this “Do To” list, as Gibson likes to call them, out of his school folder... (

(typed exactly how he wrote it)

ThursDay Do To list

1. Wake up

2. Eat beakfast

3. Get on jacket

4. Get on bus

5. Do mornin work

6. More school stuff

7. Lunch

8. Take quick nap but don’t let ms. Cate see

9. Get back on buss

10. Try not to get in trubl on the bus

11. Go home

12. Hav snak

13. Braden’s house for more snak

14. Play

15. Come home

16. Eat diner

17. Bug my brother

18. Brush teeth

19. Watch tv

20. Go to bed

21. Start over tomoroow

Some days I wish life were still this simple, don’t you?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Always a bridesmaid, but never one who shits in the street

It was a pee your pants funny kind of movie.

Ok, at my age everything is pee your pants worthy. You know, by the time you’ve had a couple of kids it just gets harder and harder to control.

Sexy, huh?

It’s no wonder I’m still single.

Anyway, enough about my bodily functions and back to the movie.

I have to say, I haven’t laughed this hard at a movie…ever! I laughed from the very first scene to the last scene.

A few times, in fact, I laughed so hard I cried.

And sadly enough, quite a few times I just cried. I didn’t sob uncontrollably or anything like that, but I did get teary eyed.

I cried, because I saw the reality of my life in Annie…and it wasn’t pretty. In fact, a couple of times it was embarrassing. From her relationship with her “eff buddy”, aka Hot Fireman in my life, to the reality that the lives of her friends are so much better than her crappy life.

But the worst is that as the movie went along I saw a lot of myself in Annie, the sad, lonely and pathetic part.

John Hamm played her eff buddy. A lot like my relationship with the Hot Fireman, Annie wanted nothing more than for him to like her for more than just a warm body. She convinced herself that what they had was awesome because he was so hot, even though she felt like crap after each time that they were together. She felt like crap because she knew deep down inside that she wanted more than he was willing to give her, and she was willing to settle for that. And because she was settling, she was closing the door to potential good guys, aka, Officer Rhodes in the movie.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when Lillian, the Bride and Annie’s best friend, said to Annie, “You are a total catch. Any guy would be psyched to be your man. You should just make room for someone who is nice to you.” My friends have been saying that to me all along, but it’s funny how it takes a total stranger for it to hit home.

So, to my girls…my new motto in life is this…”it’s happening, it’s happening, oh God, it’s happening!”

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