Friday, October 30, 2009

Top Ten Friday

Top Ten Things My Girlfriends Have Taught Me

10. It's ok to agree to disagree as long as you communicate with each other.

9. How to "build a bridge" and get over the men in our lives.

8. Flippy cup is the ultimate drinking matter what the Celtic Storm says!

7. A girlfriend on a bad day is worth more that a boyfriend on a good day.

6. A good card trick will make you the hit of any party.

5. How to order a low calorie cocktail at a bar without pissing off the bartender.

4. Nothing happens if you don't show up.

3. It's hard to forget about the guy who forgot about you.

2. Single moms are H.O.T. hot!

And the number one thing I have learned from my girlfriends...

1. How to drive, apply lipstick, laugh, and text all at the same time.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

There isn't a woman in the world who can resist the scent of a wounded man

I’m so over dating! I have spent countless hours checking off my lists of must haves and deal breakers that I didn’t realize how much the process of dating was bruising my ego. I will admit it, I cannot stand the breakdown of communication that comes with dating. The question of will he or won’t he call me after our first date…drives me bonkers! I hate the waiting, the wondering, the what-if of it all. And honestly, it hurts! Why didn’t he call me? Why doesn’t he like me? Is it the way I look? Is it something I said? Is it something I did? It shouldn’t be this way! I really don’t know these people. I have no vested interest in them, nor do they in me. But for some reason I really feel like I have lost myself through the whole dating process. I’ve become someone that I don’t know or like very well. I have never felt so alone.

So, I’m done with it all! If it happens, it happens. I need to get back to me and be comfortable with who I am and spending time with myself. I’m a great person and sometimes I forget that. But what I am the most upset about is the time I have vested in dating these losers, precious time that I could have spent on my friends or better yet, my kids. I deserve better, they deserve better…

Better than, the starving artist. You know this guy. He is in his mid to late 30’s and hasn’t gotten his big break yet but refuses to give up on that dream. He works day and night in hopes of getting that one little role that will snowball into bigger and better roles. The sad part is that his chances of getting that big break are probably close to zero percent. Unfortunately for him and his future girlfriend/fiancé/wife, this means he is headed into his 40’s with no 401K plan, no social security, and no emotional security…hmmm, sounds like a good catch, doesn’t he?

Then there is the mama’s boy. This guy is the guy whose mother refuses to let him grow up. You know this guy. He is the one who collects action figures and picked you up in the park after practicing his jedi moves. He comes to your house to pick you up for a date on his bike and he tries to sneak you past his mom at his place…you get the picture…I will spare you the rest of the details.

Or worse than these two guys is the Guys guy. This is the guy, who at 35, insists on hanging out with his buddies three or four times a week. This officially qualifies him as a man-child and it is my experience that guys like this have friends exactly like him. This means us girlfriends/fiancés/wives have to endure endless nights of sports, keg beer, burping and farting. Once a week…great, have your boys night, but if you are the guy that needs more than that, then I can only say sorry because I am not the girl who is willing to put up with that. I’m the girl who is competing with the 20 year old hot receptionist at your office and in order to compete with that I need my beauty sleep so that I can endure getting up at 5am to bust my ass at the gym so that you and I can have some time under the sheets in the evenings. You remember sex, right? It’s that thing we had before football season started…but I digress.

And last but not least…I know I harp on this guy all of the time, but the “I was athletic 20 years ago” guy is my least favorite of them all. I mean, come on…by the time you are in your 30’s you should recognize that you aren’t 21 anymore and start taking better care of yourself. Because I do! In fact, I spend more than enough time worrying about what you might think of my body. So loose the man boobs, cut your hair, get off the couch and hit the gym. Couch surfing is NOT cardio!

So now do you see why I’m done with losers? I’m done wasting my precious time on them. I am going to start focusing my time on me because I am a beautiful funny woman who leaves my shoes all over the house, who spends way to much money on clothes, who is often way to critical of myself, who loves sex and misses having it regularly, who is a good parent on good days and a bad parent on bad days, who sometimes watches to much TV, but loves every minute of it, who has started many books but has yet to finish one, who loves Christmas, but dreads this year because it will be the first one that I have to spend alone, who loves massages, but hates foot massages, who loves relaxing at the beach and doing nothing, who hates to wear dresses but loves to wear skirts, who has been known to switch moods at the drop of a hat, who loves to use the word f$%#, and who would give anyone the shirt off her back.

Bottom line, who wouldn’t want to spend more time with that girl? I like that girl I just described. She seems kind of cool and kind of like someone I would like to get to know more!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster

Divorce does not equal failure! Oh wow…did I really just say that out loud? Honestly, it took me over four years to be able to convince myself that my divorce did not equal failure. I struggled with this concept more than any other concept in my recovery. My brain was just stubborn when it came to this theory. I couldn’t get it through my thick skull that I had no control over the situation so I couldn’t consider it a failure. What I had to realize was that my divorce was just part of my story. The part of my story that I was holding on to…and holding onto for dear life! I think it’s how I was created. I identified myself with my divorce. It was my comfort zone. I had convinced myself that it was the reason I am who I am and I was using it as an excuse to not live the life I wanted.

What I eventually realized was that my story was preventing me from moving on with my life. I had to figure out a way to move beyond it before I could actually move on, have a smile on my face and laugh again. Oh boy…did I want to learn how to laugh again. So you know what I did? I sat down with my friend and told her my story…one last time. It was the story of who I was before I got married, who I became during my marriage, and who I wanted to be after recovering from my divorce. My friend was a trooper. She had heard my story a hundred times…and told me a hundred times that I was a better person than I was giving myself credit for. She loved me and would have listened to me tell my story a hundred more times if that is what it took to help me move on. At the end of my story I made a conscious effort to keep my divorce in the past and reminded myself for the last time that my present and future was so much more than what someone had done to me. By living in that story I was giving my ex and the situation all the power…all these years later. I know, what a waste of time, effort and energy!

My life is now about not letting my past dictate who I am, but letting it be a part of who I want to become. From now on I will be busy creating my new life…my new story! So my goal by the end of 2009 is to figure out what I want my new life, relationships, finances, health, love, family and my body to look like in 2015. I believe with all my heart that this new life is possible. I know it is within my reach and I am EXCITED! You see, I figured there are two choices I can take. I can choose to take action now and purposely create my new life, or I can look back in five years and see nothing but more wasted time. I will NOT waste another five years!

So I ask you, my friends…the next time I start my story…please stop me and remind me to choose something better to talk about. Nudge me with a little reminder that the story I am telling is in the past…even if it is mid-sentence. Remind me that my divorce was a test and not a final! Remind me that my life is a series of events, small ones that lead up to big ones that make me who I am.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Looking for a guy whose IQ is bigger than his shoe size

Is it just me or do first dates seem like interviews? In fact, it doesn’t matter how hard I try…most of my first dates suck just like most interviews! I have only been on one first date that I can actually label as phenomenal…but you all know how that turned out. Unfortunately, it sometimes takes me more than a phenomenal first date to realize a guy is not date worthy.

The goal of all first dates is the same as all job interviews, to tell the same stories over and over again until someone actually buys them. Stories of my days in school, crazy things my kids have done or just silly things that have happened to me in my career, stories as an unsuccessful dater, or stories as a brilliant employee. I hate that my career as a single woman has resulted in me often feeling like a sleazy car salesman trying to sell myself to the most eager buyer.

The worst part is that I often find myself giving it my all on a first date even if I don’t necessarily have any intentions of going on future dates with a guy. I still find myself always trying to be the “best candidate” no matter what I want the outcome to be. I am always trying to portray myself as the awesome catch that I am, full of confidence and spunk, even if I have decided, possibly prematurely, that I am not interested. And I think I do it because I just want the opportunity to turn someone down…on my own terms.

But the reality of dating is that regardless of whether or not I want the man, it makes perfect sense to always be selling myself. Because if not, what kind of person would that actually make me? Someone who gives up? Hell no, I don’t want to be that person. I feel like selling myself whenever I get the chance helps raise my emotional bar and keeps me from settling for mediocrity. I often feel like if I keep telling these great stories that are funny and keep presenting myself as a witty wonderful woman, then I might just start to believe that that is who I am. And if I believe this about myself, then who really cares what everyone else thinks, right?

Now all things considered, if I gave up, what kind of entertainment would I be for my friends who live to hear my crazy stories? They love to hear the stories of the guy whose mom still buys him his clothes and calls him to wake him up everyday. They love the one about the guy who kicked me out of his house because I wouldn’t let him massage my feet. But nothing beats the story of the cougar cub who I introduced to my family on Thanksgiving day only to find out a week later that he was engaged. For some reason, at the time, it didn’t really occur to me that dating someone who was about to get married to someone else really wasn’t that funny, but my friends think it’s hilarious. They are always telling me that I should write a book…but for some reason, dating stupid guys who do stupid things has suddenly stopped being fun. I have somehow gotten wrapped up in my own dating experiment and suddenly feel like the lab rat being poked and prodded without warning.

But, with that being said, I am still not willing to give up on finding Mr. Right. I will continue to develop my wacky stories…stories that seem to happen to everyone, but ones that apparently only I have a knack of turning into colorful accounts of how I was slighted, challenged, embarrassed, duped, confused or humiliated with. Stories that seem to put others at ease…maybe even stories that make others feel like normal people… normal people that know dating sucks for everyone.

Monday, October 26, 2009

If he can motorboat me, then I'm not interested

This weekend I was out with girlfriends and the subject of “ type” came up. In fact, every time I am out with any of my girlfriends, whether they are married or single, this topic always seems to come up. They always seem to be fascinated with my response to this question…no matter how many times we talk about it. The strange thing about types is that mine always changes…depending on what stage I am at in my life and because it is always changing, I have to ask myself if men really get better with age or do women just seem to lower their standards?

What constitutes type? To me, a “type” is a list of qualities/characteristics that I am looking for in my quest to find my perfect match. You know, tall, short, funny, serious, outgoing, shy, athletic, and hardworking…just to name a few. I consider my list to be my personal list of “goodness”. Through fate, chance, or hard work, it doesn’t matter which one, I feel like my perfect match should meet a good amount of these qualities/characteristics that I am instinctively attracted to. The payoff to finding this person is that I will probably end up finding someone that I want to share my stories with, spend my time with, and take my clothes off in front of. But because it has been so long since I have found someone like this, I can only imagine finding this person would feel something like winning the lottery.

I found myself thinking about types a lot this weekend. The funny thing is that when I meet men out, I often don’t think about my “type” until after the fact. I mean, no one ever breaks out their “list of goodness” and starts checking things off during an initial meeting. And if they do, then I think they have the answer as to why they are still single. I just tend to look at the people I am carrying on a conversation with and just know in my heart if they are my type or not.

My problem now with picking my type is that I still tend to compare everyone I meet to my ex-husband, even though we have been divorced for almost five years. Now…was my ex-husband perfect? Hell no…after all, he dumped me and anyone who dumps me obviously doesn’t have their head screwed on straight, right? But I digress.

My type is tall…with a great sense of humor. I need someone that can laugh at himself as well as make me laugh. Someone that sees the humor in every aspect of life, can carry on a level headed conversation, and who can dress well. Someone who can focus on more than just himself, who is honest, and who believes rock paper scissors is an acceptable way to settle an argument. Pretty much Ryan Reynolds minus his wife Scarlett Johansen. Of course I have done the honorable thing and given many guys, who didn’t meet this criteria, a chance and suddenly found myself attracted to them. But I have also met guys who match my criteria perfectly and realized in as little as five minutes that I could not spend another minute with them. But if you had a line up of ten guys that you thought would be a perfect match for me I would always gravitate to the tall, funny one that looked like Ryan Reynolds. I can’t help it…it’s just how I was made!

I have several girlfriends that say they don’t have a type…and I honestly believe that they don’t because they never date any one type of man consistently. But for me, there have always been similarities in the guys I have dated…funny, tall, good dads, yes men, with foot fetishes who tend to back down from a good discussion and give me my way. Many of them have also been…ummm….let’s say…thrifty. For example, I met a guy on Saturday night that was to cheap to pay for drinks at the bar, so he brought his own bottle of alcohol and kept going out to his car to do shots. I kid you not! No more explanation needed as to why he is still single.

All of this makes me think that maybe I need to branch out and date someone that doesn’t fit my list of goodness…someone who is the total opposite of tall, funny, and know someone that is maybe shy, sweaty, silent, can’t carry on a conversation and is so short he can motorboat me. Don’t laugh…it might be just what I need.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Top Ten Friday

Most days I catch something either on TV, the Internet, or in my life in general that makes me say, “you’ve got to be kidding me!” So for this reason and this reason alone I am creating Top Ten Friday. Each and every Friday I will bring another exciting top ten list to my blog for you to laugh at, cry at, or say “WTF, did that really just happen?” Most of the things in these lists have really happened…not necessarily to me, but they have happened!

So here is my first installment of Top Ten Friday…You’re welcome!

Top ten things men should never say on a first date

10. My favorite movies are porno movies from the late 70's

9. I don't know how long I have been divorced, hang on, I'll check my divorce papers.

8. I forgot my wallet.

7. Do you know how much you will have to run to burn off the calories in those mashed potatos you are eating?

6. Just updating my Twitter on how our date is going.

5. Normally I don't date women like you.

4. I know it is only October, but will you be my date to my office Christmas Party?

3. My ex went psycho on me.

2. I had a great time. I will call you. (mind you, these two statements are ok under normal circumstances, but when your date says them to you as he is leaving you stranded at the back of the dark, creepy tow lot to pick up your car that was parked illegally at his's just not right.)

And the number one thing a man should never say on a first date...

1. Fine...if you don't want a foot massage, then you should just leave!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

He loves me...he loves me not

Let me start this post out by saying I am NOT, by any means, an expert on love. In fact, I don’t know that I have actually ever been in love before. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my ex-husband at one point, but I don’t think I was ever in love with him. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the reality I had to come to terms with in order to start healing from my divorce.

I have, however, learned many things about love in my 38 years here on this earth. One of the most important things I have learned is that a man will jump through hoops, hurdle any obstacle, and climb any mountain, to spend the most possible time in the presence of the woman he loves. He will think of no other woman but you. He will loose track of time when he is near you. In fact, he is probably even a little embarrassed when he calls you five minutes before he is supposed to…because he just can’t wait to hear your voice.

We all deserve to know this kind of love. There is a song by Faith Hill that says “it’s in his kiss”, but the reality is that it is in everything he does, especially his attentiveness, not only his attentiveness when he is in your presence, but more importantly his attentiveness when you are not with him. Just because he puts on a good show doesn’t mean he is in love…no matter how much he might say it. So in order to help clarify some of those questionable situations, here is a list of surefire things he will do for you when he is in love with you.

*If he sits through episodes of The Bachelorette with you without complaining, then he loves you…and possibly one of the “contestants” on the show, but he definitely loves you.

*If he cries in front of you, then he loves you…he may have to immediately go do something manly like chop wood or fix a car, but he definitely loves you.

*If he tells you that you are sexy when you are at your worst, then he loves you…he’s lying to you, but he loves you.

*If he kisses you on the lips when you are sick, then he loves you.

*If he has seen pictures of you in high school and still says he loves you, then he loves you.

*If he remembers something, that is very important to you, that you barely remember mentioning briefly in a conversation, then he loves you.

*If he lies next to you in your bed fully clothed and wakes up next to you fully clothed, then he loves you.

*If he dances with your girlfriends, then he loves you.

*If he has ever bought you tampons, then he loves you.

*If his parents love you, then he probably loves you.

*If he laughs at your jokes when they are funny and makes fun of you when they aren’t, then he loves you.

*When he chooses to spend the evening with you instead of watching Monday night football with his buddies, then he loves you.

*When he keeps staring at you when you are near, but suddenly takes his eyes off of you when you look at him, then he loves you.

*If he kisses you on your forehead, then he loves you.

*If he laughs at your grandma’s jokes, and comments your mom on her cooking (even though her cooking sucks), then he loves you.

*If he has fallen asleep holding your hand, then he loves you.

So, may you never accept a man who isn’t as head over heals in love with you as you are with him. And may you never feel the need to convince yourself of his love for you. But more importantly, in the immortal words of my friend Sheila, “always remember you are the prize in your relationship, therefore, you should be loved and cherished by him more than you love and cherish him.”

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I love it when you call me big pappa

I love taking a glimpse into the lives of my friends. Whether its watching their home videos, looking at their pictures, reading their blogs, or checking out their Face Book profiles, it all makes me smile. It gives me the much needed reminder that my friends are real people too. You see, I tend to put them up on these pedestals that magically make their lives so much better than mine. But what I have realized is that they are just normal everyday people that have the same kinds of issues as me.

So as I was walking into my closet last night, it hit me. I realized that my closet has always been the envy of all of my friends. An awesome, kick-ass closet is one thing that I have that none of them have. And you would think that this would give me some kind of satisfaction in knowing that I have something that they don’t. But, nope…it doesn’t. In all honesty, it’s actually kind of embarrassing. Embarrassing because it is obnoxious and unorganized. You see, my closet is the size of a bedroom (13x13) and kept about as clean and organized as my kids toy boxes…that’s right…my closet is one big “cluster %$#*”

So, my goal with posting this article today is to hopefully humiliate myself by showing you the pictures of my obnoxiously large, unorganized closet in hopes that I will be embarrassed enough to get my butt in gear and get it organized. After all, I have only lived in this house for 4 ½ years and the closet has never changed

So here we go....

This picture is a picture of the divider wall as you enter my closet.

This wall divides my closet in half, which was a great thing! On this divider is my life. The current months calendar keeps me organized and the collage of pictures of my boys below is a constant reminder of how lucky I am. Notice the picture resting on top of the calendar. It is actually a collage of Gibson’s favorite football players. I have tried and tried to move this collage, but am reminded each time at how excited I was to receive this gift from Gibson on Mother’s Day, so I need to show it proudly, right?

This picture is the right side of my closet.

I often refer to this side of my closet as the office/drying rack/boutique/family art museum. I love writing in here and reminiscing over each piece of carefully created artwork. In fact, I can pinpoint almost every memory of the days these carefully created masterpieces were brought home with excitement and carefully placed on the wall. Behind me in the closet is this.

Or what I like to refer to as the boutique portion of the closet. It’s where I carefully place my handbags and a pair of Jimmy Choo’s (my divorce gift to myself). I have to keep them up because my niece likes to play with my shoes when she is over and I would absolutely die if she ever put these on!

This picture is my jewelry display.

If I don’t put my necklaces and rings out like this, I tend to forget what I have and then nothing gets worn. Notice the purple medallion over to the very far right (you can only see ½ of it in this picture). That was the “medal” that Hamilton and Gibson presented me with after I finished my first mini marathon. I smile every time I look at it.

This picture is the left side of the other side of my closet.

This is not a good representation of this side of my closet because tonight is laundry night and I have three loads of jeans behind me that need to be washed and some hanging on the other side drying (you may have noticed that in the previous pictures). I didn’t feel like it was necessary to take pictures of my dirty laundry for this blog. But I digress. I know, my jeans obsession is crazy! At last count I had 37 pairs of jeans. Now don’t get your panties in a bunch…it is my addiction and I can’t help it. Unfortunately, the reality of it is that I only wear about ten of them on a regular basis.

This picture is the right side of the other side of my closet

And this side is the most frustrating part of my closet because I have absolutely no idea how to organize it. There is no rhyme or reason to this side and I often spend an unnecessary amount of time searching for things to wear over here.

That’s it…that’s my closet in a nutshell. Am I embarrassed at the excess? Yes! Am I going to change my habits anytime soon? Probably not! Am I motivated to get more organized and figure out what I actually have and what I can donate? Absolutely!

You may now be asking yourself, Julie what was the ultimate reason for this post? Well, it was a reminder to me that I am blessed in many ways. I may not have the perfect family, or best house, or most awesome life, but it is my family, my house and my life and I wouldn’t trade of those things with any of my friends!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Google me me that

Because I still haven’t recovered from my little…ahem…incident a couple of weekends ago, I decided not to push my brain to the point of explosion by trying to come up with a creative, funny blog post. Instead I am going to attempt another little “meme”…because I know you all want to know more about me. If not, don’t tell me because I’m a little sensitive right now and might not be able to handle that kind of rejection…just play along with it and act like you like me…I beg you!

Basically the goal of this little exercise is to type into Google what it says to type in and let your best friend, Mr. Computer, tell you all of the important details of your life. Hopefully this is funny…if not, I apologize ahead of time because I am posting it…whether it is funny or not!

1.Type in “(your name) needs” in Google search.

Julie needs to go for cotton styles with a bit of structure rather than anything to flimsy.

This answer is ironic considering “my favorite things for fall” post and I believe my style choices fit this to a “T”…thank God, I’ve finally done something right!

2.Type in “(your name) looks like” in Google search.

Julie looks like an oriental version of Jane Fonda.

Hmmm…I don’t know if this is a compliment or not…either way, I am going to take it as a compliment because if I don’t I might just cry.

3.Type in “(your name) says” in Google search.

When Julie says she loves me she is covering up my wounds.

Obviously they have mistaken me for someone else…other than my kids and family, I haven’t told anyone I love them for a very long time. Wounds, what wounds…suck it up people!

4.Type in “(your name) wants” in Google search

Julie wants you to check out her photo in MySpace

Let me just say, “Whoa”…I DID NOT POST THAT PHOTO it said that I wanted you all to check out!

5.Type in “(your name) hates” in Google search

Julie hates just what she doesn’t know

Interesting…and true! I hate that I don’t know what my future looks like…kudos to my friend, Mr. Computer…you got it spot on!

6.Type in “(your name) does” in Google search

Julie does not work well with idiots.

Not gonna argue about this one!

7.Type in “(your name) asks” in Google search

Julie asks Jean to kiss her hand

I have never been out with a guy named Jean, but my hunch is that if I did go out with a guy named Jean and he asked me for a kiss at the end of the date…I would probably ask him to kiss my hand to avoid lip to lip contact…I’m just saying!

8.Type in “(your name) likes” in Google search

Julie likes to dable in Flash

Hmmmm….wonder what this means…flash photography, flashing, flash floods……Flash photography; I need to figure out how to use it better, flashing; never done it, but not opposed to it in my current state of mind, flash floods; hey if it prevents me from going to work…I’m all for it.

9.Type in “(your name) eats” in Google search

Julie eats a whole fish

Nope…again, not me…my new best friend, Mr. Computer, must have me confused with someone else. A whole bag of chips, a whole bag of cookies, a whole gallon of ice cream…now that sounds like me…but a whole fish…no way!

10.Type in “your name) wears” in Google search

Julie wears a thong to her Hollywood power lunch.

This actually sounds like a dream/nightmare that I can’t wake up from…you know, kind of like the dream where you go to school naked…oh wait, you have never had that dream…, oh wow, how embarrassing for me!

11.Type in “(your name) was arrested for” in Google search

Julie was arrested for forcing boy, to unclog toilet with his hands

I swear people, Gibson really does like cleaning the toilets…this headline is not true!

12.Type in “(your name) loves” in Google search

Julie loves you

So true! I love all my blogaristas that get a kick out of my sad, pathetic, sometimes funny life! And I can’t think of a more appropriate way to end this post!

Love you guys!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Destination: Self Acceptance

Ok…it’s been six years since the birth of my second son and I have to say I’m still striving to love this body that has become me. And this self love is so difficult to come by especially when according to most height/weight charts I am apparently overweight. In fact, at my last Doctor’s appointment, my good hearted, humorous, and sweet Doctor told me that if I were only a half inch taller I wouldn’t be considered overweight anymore…I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that statement. But the more I thought about it…the angrier I became! Seriously people, I’m healthy, I eat right and I exercise regularly…I AM NOT OVERWEIGHT! I am a mom, strong and loving, who wouldn’t change a thing at the expense of my boys.

You see this picture here.
You know what it is? It’s a picture of a normal woman who has been pregnant twice and given birth to two healthy children. But more than that, it’s not just any woman, it’s me… six years after the birth of my second son.

Yes, call me crazy! I know! It took a lot of positive self talk for me to have the confidence in myself to share this picture with you. In fact, you may even be asking yourself why I would post such a picture…a picture of my mommy belly, stretch marks and all. Well, I’m posting it because I have come to terms with the fact that I will never ever be that five foot six inch tall size six girl that I was in college. I am a real mom, who has given birth to real kids, living in a real world! I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will never ever look like Heidi Klum, who lives in a world with a never ending budget and endless trainers, cooks, doctors, make up artists, stylists and nannies. I’m confident I could look like her if I had the same resources she had. It has taken me a while, but I have come to terms with the fact that I can still be sexy, I can still have sex with the lights on, and I don’t have to avoid mirrors any longer. I have come to terms with who I am and what I look like!

So with this new found “freedom” in myself, I made a decision…a decision to stop obsessing over not liking the changes my body has been through over the years, and viewing my flaws as a part of what makes me me, and me, in reality, is a mom. I am what I am, you either love me for me, or you don’t! Bottom line, I love me and right now that is all that matters. After all, my flaws are a reflection and reminder of what I have done. I HAVE GROWN AND NOURISHED TWO BABIES IN MY BODY! Men, what is your excuse?

Don’t get me wrong, I still get pissed when I see pictures of celebrity moms posing in their bikinis weeks after delivery with perfectly smooth skin and two or three pack abs. And I still have a little, and I mean a very little, bit of resentment for those real-life mom friends of mine that were lucky enough to come out of multiple births unscathed. But in general, I feel lucky, because most of the moms I know went through what I went through and look like me and love me.

Maybe one day I will be 100% content with my body, but until then I will keep striving for my destination of self acceptance. And before my train arrives, I just keep reminding myself that I am beautiful and sexy too…A beautiful and sexy mom…with a flabby belly and stretch marks to boot…and I am ok with that!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Will jump on Oprah's couch for you

I HAVE A CRUSH! I know I’m 38 years old! The idea of a crush at my age seems crazy, and maybe a little creepy. But I think it’s ok to have a crush. At least that is what I have been telling myself in the days that led up to this post. It was kind of like I was convincing myself that it was ok to have a crush…on a guy…who is in a loving and committed relationship. I know…bummer, right? But that’s ok because he doesn’t really know I exist I’m good with it!

My crush is the total package. He is funny and tall, successful, hard working, and a great dad. My crush is a friend of mine on face book. In fact, my heart actually skips a beat when he posts something on my wall or leaves a comment about my witty status updates. I tend to run into him without any warning…when I least expect it…you know, usually on my “fat” days or on days that I have a humongous zit on my chin. There is just something mysterious about him.

The funny thing about my crush is that I don’t know that I necessarily picked him as someone I would have a crush on. He just kind of snuck up on me when I was least expecting it. Honestly, I think crushes are kind of silly after the age of eleven. Well, except for the perfectly normal one I have on Ryan Reynolds. Now that goes without saying. Unfortunately I have created such high expectations for my crush that he is bound to eventually disappoint me, and that’s not fair to him. In my mind, he is this perfect man who can do no wrong. He is suddenly the funniest, most attractive, smartest person I know. He has somehow become this perfect man that I know doesn’t exist…how do I know this? I know this because reality is never perfect.

The hardest part about having a secret crush is in fact, the secrecy. I often find myself trying to be cool and under the radar when I run into him or when replying to something he has posted on my face book page. Never in a million years would I ever do anything to let my crush know that he was the one. In fact, a couple of years ago, my friend, Tanya and I found out Mr. Crush was going to be at a particular bar on St. Patrick’s Day so we made plans to go to that bar and “accidentally” run into him. But I chickened out at the last minute and we left because I didn’t want it to look obvious…I was secretly afraid that he would be able to read the desire in my face.

Why do I do this? Why do I put myself under this kind of pressure? Well beside the fact that he is not available, I would have to say, of course, it is because I am afraid to know the answer to the question I am burning to ask him…”do you like me?” Because what if the answer is no? That answer would be the worst one…oh the humiliation! Sure, I’m willing to chalk up some of this pressure to issues with my self image, but only so much…the rest is just reality.

Let’s just say, for example, I am fantastic…there is nothing worse that knowing that being fantastic is no guarantee that he will like me back. It’s either yes or no…it’s either possible or it’s not…In my mind it has everything to do with hope and whether or not I have it. And I don’t want to destroy what I have tenderly been nursing all these years. It’s the possibility that my crush doesn’t like me that drives the secrecy. And the secrecy drives the hope…it’s a vicious cycle that I am not willing to break. But there is also the other side of this equation. What if he does like me back? Unfortunately, I may never know, but if he did I think I would die of sheer happiness on the spot.

So, Mr. Crush, in order to continue keeping this a secret and bottled up inside I can assure you I will continue to do the following things. First, I will not be staring at you like I do when I see Ryan Reynolds. I will continue to avoid telling anyone who you are. I will treat you just like I treat all of my other friends…that’s right, craptastically! And I will continue to be my usual funny self when I am around you. However, I cannot promise you that I won’t giggle hysterically, in that annoyingly high pitched girl way, when I see you again.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Don't mess with the'll get the horns

I have learned recently that it is very difficult to grow up in a society where I will never be the pretty girl, where everyone seems to have everything I don’t, and where dreams are always one cloud away from where I am standing. The life pattern is the same. Everyone starts out with a clean slate. We work our way through life and we begin to make our mark. We make our choices, face our decisions and keep moving forward. But someday, when we look back over our lives, we will wonder who we really are or who we have become.

When I was little I had this idea that life could be perfect. That if I were careful enough, I would never make a mistake, never be lonely, never be misunderstood, and never be scared…but unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. Life is big and messy and what I have realized is that I just have to take the chance, climb in head first, and hope for the best.

I bring to my life a certain amount of mess. And because of this mess, my emotions swing ever so abrubtly between being confident in myself, my life choices and the direction I am headed…to the extreme polar opposite of being that puddle of emotion on the kitchen floor feeling like I have yet to make a right choice in my life and doomed for failure before I turn 40. There is not really an in between spot… no grey area, it’s either one extreme or the other. I see everything through the same lenses…it’s either awesomely great and I am bound to lead this wonderfully fulfilling life or I’m headed for failure and my best hope is to wind up living in the basement of some old ladies house with 20 cats, making paper dolls out of old newspapers.

However, today I had an enlightening “ah ha moment” when I heard someone say “my life has an awesome cast, but I can’t seem to figure out the plot”. It reminded me that my life has an insane amount of good in it. I have an amazing family and the best friends that a girl could ever ask for who never make me explain myself and don’t ever judge me. I have a job that I love that keeps me spiritually grounded and I have an encyclopedia like knowledge of all things related to celebrity gossip.

I’ve learned that every day of my life must be lived to the fullest, even if it does include making stupid mistakes. Life is about smiling, laughing and crying. Life is about making the most of what I have and have been given. It’s about keeping and losing relationships. It’s about falling in love and being hurt by love.

Life was given to me as a challenge, it’s not an easy challenge by any means but it is a challenge that I can choose to accept and make the most of or let go by the wayside and continue to live in this “whoa is me world.” After all, I only have one shot at it…so I am choosing to take the bull by the horns and squeeze every little drop out of it that I can. I have faith that eventually all of the pieces will fall into place. And until then I promise to laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and understand that everything happens for a reason.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Life Lesson #2

On an unusually serious note…

Girls, it’s October, which means Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And since this is what my mom died of ten years ago, I feel the need to remind you to get your boobies checked. So this is my public service announcement to schedule your appointments for your annual Mammograms. And by annual mammograms, I mean a real one performed by an actual doctor.

For your information a mammogram given by one or more of the following types of men is not actually considered a real mammogram:

1. Husband
2. Boyfriend
3. Ex-boyfriends/ex-husbands
4. Future spouse
5. Friend with benefits
6. Random guy you meet at a bar
7. Married men who just want to feel “something different”
8. Cougar cubs who want to kill time while their fiancés are out of town
9. Older men who don’t want to be alone on New Years Eve
10. The man you have been dreaming about since the moment your divorce was final
11. The man you recently reconnected with that lives 2300 miles away

And because I usually don’t like to post such serious articles, let the fun begin…I bet you can’t guess the one in this group of 11 that has NOT felt me up, or tried to give me my annual mammogram…

Life Lesson #2: Save second base ladies! Get your annual mammograms!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I sing great in the shower

First, let me tell you that this title has absolutely nothing to do with this post. The reason it is titled “I sing great in the shower” is because I am tired of my lame ass blog titles. I am going to spice things up from here on out and just type in the first thing that comes to my mind when posting. And this one is titled “I sing great in the shower” because one Mr. Michael Buble and myself sang a kick ass duet this morning in the shower. It was so good, I wish I would have recorded it and let you take a quick listen…but I didn’t…so “to bad, so sad, missed out on what you coulda had “(quote used religiously, by my friend Sheila, when talking about the losers I date).

Anywho…this post is really about my favorite things for fall, ala Oprah Winfrey. And as I was writing this post yesterday a strange thing happened to me…ok, not necessarily strange, but awesome! As you all know, I have not made very good decisions in my life as of late…what decisions, you may ask? Ha! Ha! You will never know…needless to say…they have been poor. And I was really down on myself when low and behold my great friend Jane pulls up at work to check on me. I was so floored that she just took the time out of her day to come and cheer me up. I have to say when she first walked in it reminded me of a moment earlier in the week when my youngest fell down and got hurt. He was ok until he made eye contact with me. Once our eyes connected, he cried unconsolably for a couple of minutes. Embarassingly enough, that is how I was when Jane walked in…I was fine until she hugged me and then I cried like a baby while she just continued to hug me…she knew exactly what I needed at that moment, and I will NEVER ever forget that.

So first things first…FRIENDS are my number one, top of the list, favorite things about Fall…well anytime of the year, but I am especially reminded of this in the Fall. It was a great reminder that no matter how good of a friend I am...they are always there to support me and scrape me off the ground when I need it. I cherish my girls, you know who you are, and I hope to mention you all by name one day in the acknowledgement section of my first book”.

Back on track…Fall is my absolute favorite time of the year with a close second being Spring. The cool days and crisp nights send such a chill up my spine. I love bon fires, hay rides, the headless horseman, and the pumpkin patch. And nothing beats sleeping in flanel pajamas with the windows open, college football, or chili cook-offs. So to honor my favorite time of the year in ways that only Oprah can do justice, here is a list of my favorite things for fall. And just to be clear in the beginning…there will be NO cars given out with this post!

My favorite outfit includes:

This sweater

And these William Rast jeans

Covered up with this Bomber Jacket

While rocking this necklace

And this ring

Carrying this bag

While rocking my kick ass favorite fall outfit I would be enjoying my favorite fall pastimes, which include but aren’t limited to:

Bobbing for these

Jumping in these

Picking these

While sipping this

Once my perfect fall day has come to an end, I would definitely come home and put on these

Wrap myself in this (yes Jane, I do have one)

And snuggle up on the couch with him

Ahhhhhh….I love fall!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Wait? What? Huh?




What was I thinking?


Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I can’t believe I did it!


Seriously, what was I thinking?

Why couldn’t I just keep driving?


Oh no I didn’t?

Why? Why? Why?

I am better than this!

You’ve got to be kidding me!

Don’t ask…I can’t tell you…I just needed to vent. Those of you that know me probably know what I did. But I will never ever confirm it! If you ask me…I will deny it. I won’t discuss it. I may shed some tears over it, but I will not ever talk about it! You won’t drag it out of me…No way, no how! I have definitely hit a new low in my life and therefore it is NOT open for discussion! Currently I feel a little like this…

The sad part is…I can’t guarantee I won’t ever do it again!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Farts, screws and pj's

Yesterday was a rough day for me at work…so very hectic! October starts the busiest time of year for me. I am officially swamped! I am also trying to wrap my brain around the fact that there are less than 11 weeks until Christmas. I was really looking forward to going home and spending some quality time with the two boys that never seem to have a hard time putting a smile on my face. And let me tell you this night was no exception. Below are three separate conversations that I had with them that made me crack up.

Conversation #1: This conversation is one that I had with my six year old while out running errands

Gibson: “Mom, I just let out a gas fart.”
Me: (trying not to laugh hysterically) “What is a gas fart?”
Gibson: “You know mom…it’s when you think you have to fart and more than a fart comes out.”

Conversation #2: This is a conversation that I had with my eight year old while I was helping him study for his 3rd grade Science test

Me: “Hamilton, can you give me an example of a simple machine?”
Hamilton: “A screw.”
Me: “What is a screw?”
Hamilton: “Well it’s kind of hard to explain, but it’s something that happens to us everyday (I can’t help but laugh at this “adult” explanation)…no wait..I mean it is something that we use every day.”

Conversation #3: This last conversation is one that I had with Gibson while we were picking out his clothes to wear to school in the morning.

Me: “No, you cannot wear your pajamas to school tomorrow.”
Gibson: “But mom.”
Me: “No, you cannot wear your pajamas to school tomorrow.”
Gibson: “But mom, all of the kids do it.”
Me: “If all of the kids jumped off a bridge, would you?”
Gibson: “Yes”
Me: “Fine, wear your pajamas to school tomorrow.”

Seriously people…I can’t make this stuff up…this is my life!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

My perfect Sunday

It finally happened! I never thought it would, but it did and I will remember this day as the best day ever. It was a few Sunday's ago but i remember it like it was yesterday...

I woke up at 7:30am on my own with no alarm clock to a picture perfect...

...refreshed from a good night sleep. This was the first good night sleep I have had since my kids were born. I had completely forgotten how good this much uninterrupted sleep could make me feel.

I then went down to the kitchen of my perfectly clean, perfectly quite house to put on a pot of coffee and grabbed the paper.

I proceeded to go back upstairs with the newspaper and read it from cover to cover while snuggled up in this...

I then got to take a very hot steamy uninterrupted shower (sorry no pictures for this part of the day). That's kids barging in, no toilets being flushed, no "mmmmoooooooommmmmmm" being yelled at me from a distance. Just me and the warm beads of water hitting my face ever so gently...ahhh...I could get used to this!

I left the house and met my friends for breakfast at our favorite hole in the wall where we chatted quietly and caught up on our lives.

I bought a new pair of these

I also bought this

And took it here

to read, write and journal without hearing my kids complain that I never buy them anything or how bored they are. I then went to watch this...

...all by myself! There is nothing better, in my mind, than going to a movie on a Sunday afternoon all by myself. There is no sharing the popcorn and soda, no "mom, when is the movie going to start" during the previews, or having to leave at the good part because my six year old has to go to the bathroom.

Once the movie was over, I went here... do some more writing, and of course scope out cute boys. I purchased this...

...Can I just say "yum, yum, yummy!" I know, he makes me want to lick the screen too! I immediately went home to my nice, comfy...

To read/dream about my future with one Mr. Ryan Reynolds while slowly drifting off into a quiet slumber. that is heaven! I so enjoyed this day! I tried my best to soak it all in as it was happening because I know it will be another 38 years before it happens again. Sunday's are usually hard days for me because my kids are with their dad and my friends are spending time with their families...but this was definitely one day that I took it all in and enjoyed the entire 24 hours for no one else but me...and this makes me very...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dear boys

Dear Boys Who Want to Date Women Without Kids,

Here’s the thing…if you don’t want to have a relationship with a woman who already has kids then I have two suggestions for you; number one, don’t ask me out! Number two, ask me out, but make it perfectly clear to me before hand that you only want to get to know me on a friendship level. That’s it, it’s that easy…that simple…that’s all it takes…nothing more…nothing less!

See, here is the thing. I’m a pretty confident girl, and when you ask me out on a date or beg me for the opportunity to see if there is something between the two of us, I assume you already know that I have kids. In fact, I know that you already know that I have kids. How do I know this? Because I don’t go out on dates with anyone and I mean anyone who doesn’t already know that I have kids.

You might be asking yourself, so then why does Julie feel the need to write this post? Isn’t it obvious that she has kids? And if you don’t want to have a relationship with someone that already has kids, then she is off limits, right? I know, you would think that this would be very clear. It’s kind of like McDonald’s having to put “VERY HOT” on all of their coffee cups. Isn’t coffee normally hot? So need I ask, if it’s hot then why should they have to print “VERY HOT” on all of their cups…I know, seems stupid, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately a need for this post has come up in my life recently. I have gone out with two separate men over the last four months who have both given me the “I want to start a family of my own” line.

You see…this is how I view this “line”. It may not be a line to the men who have said it to me. If it is truly how they feel, then more power to them…all I ask is that you be honest with me from the beginning. But I sense that this isn’t the case…and that this line may just be a cop out, a cop out on a woman who stirs up feelings in you that you aren’t ready to deal with.

My question to you two…why not give a woman with kids a chance? Kids are so sweet, tender, caring and honest. They are beautiful creatures that will steal your heart from the moment you meet them. They will tell you they love you and that your butt looks big in your jeans all in the same sentence, but they love you unconditionally. They will tell you that they hate you, but deep down inside they could never really hate you. They love you unconditionally. They even make you feel guilty at times, but the look in their eyes says something different. They love you unconditionally. So if it’s not your feelings for me, I believe it is the potential attachment to these sweet little ones that scares the crap out of these men. And rather than risk getting their hearts broken by such sweet individuals, they choose to take another path, walk another road in search of that “perfect” woman. A woman who doesn’t already have these little ones in her life that love her more than anything in this world.

The sad part is that these men just don’t know what they are missing. There is no love like the love of a child. Whether or not the child is your biological child or not…there is still tons of love to go around. I would consider myself honored and privileged to be a part of another child’s life…to have the opportunity to show another child all that I have to offer them…what a great thing that would be. To share my love with a child that isn’t biologically mine…I could only dream of one day.

So gentlemen, you know who you are, here are some words of wisdom for you. When you meet that woman who you click with on more levels than you could ever imagine …don’t be so quick to give up on her just because she has kids. Kids have unconditional love to offer those that are smart enough to accept it. I just hope that one day when you meet the right woman or wake up and smell the coffee on a woman in your past…you give her a chance to show you how much she can love you by loving her children. If you are lucky enough to one day find that woman who will offer you that…don’t let her slip away because if you do, it may be the biggest mistake you have ever made!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I'm not sorry

A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend Jackie and I were at a black tie fundraiser. At the beginning of the evening they had a priest come out to give his blessing for the night. He started off great…blessing the event, the charity, and the kids who would be benefiting from the funds raised. But that is where all of the goodness ended. He then proceeded to talk about how important families were and that the most important part of families were the married parents. He went on and on and on blessing those couples that were married. It got to the point where Jackie and I were beginning to feel very uncomfortable and somehow bad for being single.

And if that scenario weren’t bad enough, I had the following conversation today with one of the new moms at my son’s school:

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: “So, do you work for a living?”

Me: “Yes, I run a local Non-Profit”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: ”Wow, that sounds like an interesting line of work”

Me: “Yes, I love it and it keeps me very busy.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: “I bet your husband struggles with you working full time and trying to raise two boys.” (she says this as she glances down and sees my empty ring finger, or what I like to call my “scarlet letter”…the horrified look on her face was priceless) “Oh, you’re not married,” she says.

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: “Hmmm…well I guess maybe your boyfriend likes that you keep busy.” (Really? Who has the balls to go on with this conversation?)

Me: “Nope, I’m working the single status right now.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: (crickets…chrp…chrp…followed by blank stare and kind of an “uh oh how do I get out of this conversation look)

Me: “I’m flying solo and having a blast.”

Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status: (acting like I just told her I like to eat babies for dinner) “Oh, you must get lonely a lot, I’m so sorry!”

And before I accepted her apology, I stopped and thought…is it really that tragic to be single? I mean everything I see and hear lately from the media to people in my life, makes me feel like I have the plague because I’m not married or in a relationship. It’s like they expect me to be sitting at home waiting and wishing for a man. I feel like somewhere along the way it stopped being ok to be single. Isn’t it bad enough that I put the pressure on myself?

It doesn’t matter how hard I try not to think about being single, I’m constantly thinking about being single. As soon as I make a conscious effort to not think about being single-BAM- it sneaks up on me! And when I’m surrounded by married people, I’m thinking about being single. So really, to put it loosely, I’m always thinking about being single.

I feel like people look at me like I have given up, nailed the last nail into my coffin. But I can assure you, I have not given up! I’m not depressed! I’m not sad! I’m not lonely! I’m not turning into a recluse! I’m not blinded by my shoe collection or obsessed with work or to high maintenance to know a good thing when I see it. I promise, I’m not!

In fact, if I were being completely honest with you, I would tell you that I have been happily living my life. Happy enough to NOT be waiting for a man to make my life complete! I’m ok with all of this. In fact, I am fabulous with it! I would rather be single than lonely in a bad marriage any day!

So as I stood there, in front of Mrs. I’m just trying to figure out your status, waiting for my kids to come out of their classrooms, all I could think about was this woman giving me an apology for my single status. So I decided to take the high road, smiled at her and gave her the only reply that felt right:

Me: Don’t be sorry for me being single…I’m not!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Me again

I am
A good catch, a supportive mom, easily amused, not a morning person, missing my best girlfriends, prone to bouts of self doubt, a helpless romantic, a starter, a yes girl, a sucker for boys that I know will break my heart, constantly having to remind myself that I am the rule and not the exception when it comes to my dating life

I want
Someone to love me for me, someone else to do my laundry and clean my house, an acceptable excuse to sleep in, to be able to eat whatever I want without gaining a pound or destroying my health, to be happy again, a new house, my kids to understand how difficult it is to be a parent

I have
Many flaws, a huge crush on Ryan Reynolds, a problem picking quality men, a few secrets, the ability to make people laugh, something that gives married men the sense that I enjoy being hit on by them, an unhealthy obsession with the Young and the Restless, an awesome family, the uncanny ability to attract the weirdest men

I wish
My hair took little effort to look good, Ryan Reynolds would stop calling me, I had more self confidence, I wasn't always considered the "funny" girl in my group of friends...just once I want to be the pretty girl, I had somebody that loved me, I had more time to spend with my kids, I knew what God's plan is for me, I could bounce right out of bed when my alarm goes off at 5am, there were more hours in the day, I saw my relatives more, my mom was still alive, my dad would find someone else to love

I hate
Judgmental people, people that think their opinion is fact, that I don't have a filter that edits what goes from my brain to my mouth, the direction my life is going, getting up at 5am to workout, soap in my eyes, putting away laundry, that I don't appreciate my dad more, that I have to forget about the guy who forgot about me

I fear
For the future of this country, swimming when I can't see the bottom, being boring, growing old lonely, leaving my kids with an inaccurate picture of who I really am, spiders and snakes, what the future may hold for my kids, that the housing market will never bounce back

I hear
The sound of silence...ahhh, it's a beautiful thing!

I search
For my old self daily, for everything...and I mean everything, my heart for direction...maybe that is my problem, for my keys every morning, my past for clues about my future, every inch of my dryer for those damn socks, constantly for ways to improve myself

I wonder
What it would be like to truly be in love, where I will be in five years, where my kids will be in five years, what Sarah Jessica Parker's closet looks like, why I didn't get the "green thumb" gene from my mom, when Jay Leno will realize that he is funnier when he doesn't read from the cue cards, if dating is good therapy, if I will ever have the ability to rewind my life to happier times

Friday, October 2, 2009

Life Lesson #1

When I was a kid all I wanted was to be a grown up. I was intrigued by all of the things that adults got to do. I used to get excited after every year that went by because it was just another year closer to me being an adult. Ironically, now that I am an adult, all I wish for is to go back in time when life was so much simpler, a life where I didn’t have to make any decisions, a life where people were there to look out for me.

Isn’t it ironic how quick we wish to be children again once we hit the adult years? Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and still have many things that I want to and am looking forward to accomplishing, but my life as a child was vastly different than it is now. When I was a child I basically got to do whatever I wanted to, well…within reason anyway. I played with my friends all day long. I never had to worry about having to work…life was stress free. All I had to worry about were my friends and when my favorite cartoons were on.

Now, as an adult I have many more responsibilities and worry constantly about what is on the news and what the future may hold for my children. I don’t have all of the freedom that as a child I thought adults had. There are a lot more expectations on me as an adult, parent, sister, friend and daughter than I ever could have imagined.

So my advice to you…go out and have fun with your kids, if you don't have kids, have fun with your nieces and nephews, the neighborhood kids, sick kids at a local me, any child will do. Get down on the floor and play barbies with them, take them on a bike ride, play football in the back yard with them…even if they do tell you that they think you would be a better cheerleader than football player. It doesn’t matter…ALWAYS look at life through the eyes of small children and I guarantee you that you will walk around with a smile on your face!

LIFE LESSON #1: Being an adult can be fun when you are acting like a child.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Now accepting applications

Sometimes as a single mom I get very overwhelmed with my day to day responsibilities and often feel like my head might explode. So in order to prevent my children from seeing this horrible catastrophe, you know...the one of my head exploding, I am on the mad search for a Household Assistant of my own. For those of you that think you might be interested in this position that, by the way, does not pay well…or at all for that matter, I have jotted down a few of the qualifications below…

Overworked, overwhelmed single mom is currently on the look out for a Household Assistant to oversee all of life's responsibilities that said overworked, overwhelmed single mom finds to tasking and/or time consuming, or for that matter, just plain monotonous to handle. The ideal candidate should be looking for an opportunity to make my life easier, and let’s face it…there are many people out there looking to make my life easier…because the world revolves around me, right? Anyway, the ideal candidate would work very close with overworked, overwhelmed single mom to ensure that she does not go crazy, loose her mind, take a liking to binge drinking, or do anything that would result in a visit from Child Protective Services. Duties and responsibilities WILL change day to day.

Responsibilities to include but not limited to:

•Dishes…all day everyday. Duties would included washing the never ending pile of cups that seem to accumulate in my house. Cups that have been used for one sip of water and one sip of water only…cups that have been used to dig holes to China in my backyard and cups that have been used to house lightning bugs, worms, and baby frogs.

•Hunting down that annoying smell coming from my refrigerator and removing source of said smell.

•Car…removal of sucker remains surrounded by crushed up bits of cereal of some sort, cleaning the sticky goo from the floors of the back seat, daily removal of the crap that an 8 year old and 6 year old seem to accumulate in the five minutes they are in the car, and constant wiping of hand prints from the inside and outside of said vehicle.

•Laundry…massive amounts of garments that probably have been worn for less than five minutes at a time, but in the eyes of an 8 year old and 6 year old are considered dirty after they have been on the body for more than one minute. Constant removal of “little boy smell” from all garments that have been worn while playing outside on a hot summer day. Put away the never ending amounts of clean laundry that don't seem to make it back into the closet or dresser.

•Bathroom…No need to worry about cleaning toilets as household has a 6 year old that begs to clean toilets and if I might add, does a pretty darn good job of it! With that being said, hazardous pay will be given should the successful candidate manage to figure out why the floor surrounding said toilets can never stay clean.


•Teaching 6 year old how to not break out in massive bouts of crying every time something doesn’t go as planned.

•Teaching 8 year old how to not make me feel guilty for every single thing, big or small, that doesn’t go his way.

•Learning to read the minds of said 8 and 6 year olds, since this would be the only logical way to prevent such crying fits and moments of guilt.


•Convincing 8 year old that there is more to dinner than chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, and hot dogs.

•Stocking freezer with carefully thought out balanced, pre-made meals that represent all food groups, not just the food groups that include chicken nuggets, hot dogs, and grilled cheese.

•The creativeness needed to convince 8 and 6 year olds that fruits and vegetables are healthy, good for you, and in fact do taste good.


•Viewing and discussing with overworked, overwhelmed single mom all definitive cultural specimens such as Harry Potter, Star Wars and Transformer movies as well as a shitload of other cultural phenomenons that overworked, overwhelmed single mom has never seen and cannot place when brought up in normal adult conversations.

•Uploading overworked, overwhelmed single moms iPod that has had the same 300 songs since its purchase almost two years ago.

•Having the energy to locate charger for 6 year olds iPod that has had no charge for over a month. Honestly, does he have to ask me every night to charge his iPod?


•Must be able to complete massive amounts of homework in less than 30 minutes a night, after all, that is as long as it SHOULD take…I emphasize should!

•Must have the patience to sit and listen to 8 year old read fifteen minutes a night…I know it doesn’t sound like much, but depending on the book…this fifteen minutes could seem like hours.

•Must be creative enough to “develop” fun homework assignments for 6 year old who complains every night that he doesn’t get to do homework.

•Developing all long term, time consuming homework projects that were brought home on a Monday and due on a Tuesday, but issued weeks before.


•Purchasing ALL holiday gifts for a range of people, including but not limited to an ex-husband (or boys father as I like to refer to him) and many inevitable people, who I will not name, who give overworked, overwhelmed single mom a gift, and don’t ever expect one in return, but because overworked, overwhelmed single mom is so overworked, and overwhelmed, feels guilty, and thinks a return gift must be purchased.

•Shopping for clothes for 8 and 6 year old boys on a very minimal budget.

•Finding overworked, overwhelmed single mom a non-asshole, for dating purposes.

•Sourcing a household management system for all closets that does not require overworked, overwhelmed single mom to drill any holes in the walls, do any measuring or leveling of any kind.


•Must take direction well without bitching, moaning or complaining about anything.

•Must be able to manage multiple tasks while listening to 8 and 6 year old fight about who is going to be Ben Rothlesberger and who is going to be Peyton Manning.

•Must be able to tolerate the grumpiness of overworked, overwhelmed single mom without rolling your eyes, losing your cool, or swearing under your breath.

No need to send in a cover letter or resume. It’s easy…all you have to do is magically appear on my front doorstep. You will be greeted with a big smile, granted entry into my magical kingdom and put to work immediately.

Salary for this position is undetermined at this moment. It will not only be based on candidates willingness to appear on my front porch but it will also be determined on overworked, overwhelmed single moms status with the lottery. As of now things don’t look good, but once overworked, overwhelmed single mom purchases her first lottery ticket, I’m sure payment will be right around the corner for said candidate. The perfect candidate my be asked to purchase said lottery ticket for overworked, overwhelmed mom.

Blog Design by Blogs by Mandy