He's just not that into you when

He's just not that into you when...

He doesn’t plan in advance, he cancels dates more that he keeps dates, he wants to wait until the two of you have more than 3 hours to spend together, he takes longer than 36 hours to respond to a simple text message, the majority of the time spent together is between the hours of sun down and sun up, he only wants to spend time together on his terms, he is not making an effort to see you, he says things like “I’m no good at relationships”, he only contacts you every few days or so, he initiates with phrases like, “we need to get together soon” but then never follows through, he doesn’t want regular consistent contact with you…and so on and so on.

My question is this...

If it doesn’t take a genius to figure this out…then why do I feel like such an idiot?

It doesn't take a genius to see that he's just not that into me

What can I say but, Happy Sunday! I don't ever post on Sunday's but I was up stewing all night last night and therefore, had a brain full of stuff that I needed to get rid of...or vomit onto the pages of this blog...

I know I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I hate the word hate…but sometimes, it’s a necessity and there is absolutely no way around its use.

One of the things I hate most about myself is depending on someone and then being disappointed by that particular person’s behavior. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that people will disappoint us from time to time and I will even disappoint others from time to time too. But when I continue to open my heart and let the same people disappoint me over and over again…yeah, I really hate that about me.

It all started early in the New Year when I was dating Mr. Perfect for Me. (Oh wait, according to my dear friend JO, I need to create a new nickname for Mr. Perfect for Me, because he obviously wasn’t perfect for me…no, in the end he was a complete Jack Hole. So from here on out Mr. Perfect for Me will be referred to as Mr. Jack Hole.) Anyway, I was dating Mr. Jack Hole and suddenly, out of nowhere, Hot Fireman appeared…again, like usual.

You see, he has this pattern.
I like to call this pattern, the “he’s just not that into me pattern.”

We go out on a date, then we don’t see or talk to each other for weeks and then he comes back around and the process starts all over again. Very rarely does he ever follow through with a date. More often than not we make a plan to spend some time together, we spend a few days flirting and then, poof, he cancels on me at the last minute.

And he cancels with excuses that you can’t really be upset about. Because if you get upset about his reasons, it only makes you look like a tool. His three main excuses are, he has to work late, he doesn’t feel well, or he has to take his kids at the last minute. You see…all pretty legit.

But hearing these same excuses over and over and over again, really pisses me off.

And as expected, he did it again last night.

As I said before, he started contacting me again early in the new year and we finally got together for dinner the night before my birthday…two and half months after we first reconnected. I, unfortunately, ended up getting sick that night and had to cut our evening short, only to not hear from him again for almost three weeks.

Suddenly he appeared again earlier this week with the hopes that we could get together in the upcoming week. We made a plan for last night. And like clockwork, he cancelled on me at the last minute.

The thing that frustrates me the most is that before we got together for my birthday, he mentioned that he was taking himself off of the market and he wanted to try to see where things went with me, ...and then I didn’t hear from him again for 3 weeks…3 weeks people.

I have to be honest and tell you that I was excited about the prospect of dating him exclusively.

But his actions don’t speak “I want to pursue you exclusively.”

No no…his actions speak, “I call Julie whenever I think I have some free time, because I know she will be available, and then when something better comes along at the last minute, it’s ok to cancel on her because I know she will be waiting for me the next time I call.”

Yep…that’s what his actions speak to me.

And that reality sucks!

I’m 40…I know better!

He’s just not that into me.

Yeah me!

How to heal a broken heart, in He Who Laughs Last fashion

So those of you that know me, know this past week has been pretty difficult. Those of you that don’t know me, I guess I have to fill you in.

Turns out I wasn’t perfect enough for Mr. Perfect for Me. Yep, it’s true.

I know what you’re thinking…”he’s crazy for letting me go”.

I agree, but what is a girl to do? He broke my heart and I’m forced to move on.

It’s nothing a little Ambien, good friends, and a lot of alcohol won’t cure, right?

Without going into much detail, let’s just suffice it to say that there was another woman involved on a certain level and I wasn’t willing to wait around while he figured things out.

I was crushed, but I had no choice. Well I had a choice, just not a realistic one.

And as per usual…the situation has me thinking about a lot of stuff in my life, but one sticks out very clearly. In one of my many discussions with Mr. Perfect for Me, we were both struggling to get the other person to see the situation from each other’s perspective. I know I don’t understand the reasoning for him doing what he is currently doing and I definitely know that he will never see it or understand it from my perspective either. We got to the point where we were both banging our heads against the wall and making no progress whatsoever. The only thing we were doing was frustrating the hell out of each other.

Often times in these conversations, I wished there were a third party who understood both sides of the story and could somehow, miraculously help each of us see it from the other person’s perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are therapists out there who would charge you an arm and a leg for months, but I was looking for something a little cheaper and quicker. You know me…I’m an “instant gratification girl”…I can’t help it!

So this is what I have decided…

I’m going to branch out a little and offer up my services to those who have been dumped or hurt in a relationship. Here is just a small sampling of the services I will offer to those who may need them. And for your convenience, I have broken them down by price point.

Email me here at my blog if you are interested in my services.

Under $25
• Stare lovingly into your eyes (5 minute service)

• Give you a hug and tell you that everything will be ok(2 minute service)

• Tell you over and over again how awesome I think you are (5 minute service)

• Call you on the phone and seem genuinely interested in you (10 minute service)

• Draw your ex’s face on a paper bag, wear it, and let you tell me your side of the story, uninterrupted (10 minute service)

Under $50
• Write a love letter and mail it to you (200 words or less)

• Call your voicemail and leave the message “you’re the best” on it…hey, don’t knock this one, it always makes me laugh when I do it to myself.

• Drink and dance until I throw up or you lose interest, whichever comes first…trust me, I’m fun when I have had a drink or two

• Be the intermediary in a 10 minute conference call between you and the idiot that dumped you.

• I will call your cute ex (not the one that just dumped you, but the one before him/her) and tell him/her that you still think he/she is hot.

• Go to your ex’s house and kick him in the balls (this service is for female or gay male clients only)

Under $75
• Break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend over drinks (of course the drinks are in addition to the $75 fee)

• Help you quit calling/texting your ex out of desperation (this will include a phone call at different times during the day from me, for an entire month yelling “STOP STALKING YOUR EX” at the top of my lungs into the phone.)

• I will come to your house for 1 hour and do my best to make you laugh, this will not, let me repeat myself, NOT include the removal of any items of clothing on my part.

• Email you a list of 100 things I like about you

• Deliver, one large pizza, one pint of ice cream, and a boquet of flowers on a day that you are feeling particularly blue, no questions asked (of course, the pizza, ice cream and flowers are an additional expense)

Under $100
• Organize a gathering of your closest friends to gather around, make you laugh and remind you of how awesome you are…we will name it the “He/She F**ked it up” Party.

• Give you a 10 minute PowerPoint presentation on how you deserve better than the boy/girl who dumped you.

• Rename your children…I just threw that in there for fun…my kids are Hamilton and Gibson, I think I am very capable of coming up with cool, creative, presidential names.

• Build you a car out of cardboard boxes and make “vroom vroom” noises while you wear it. I don’t really know how this would help you, but it would definitely make me laugh and quite possibly help me get over my break up.

$500 flat fee
• Treat you like a star by hiding in the bushes outside of your house every day for a month and snap your pictures annoyingly every time you come outside.

I personally guarantee any of these breakup services. And when I say “guarantee” I mean, guarantee to at least put a smile on your face.

Break-ups are never easy…but you have to find the funny side of them in order to survive, right? Ok, maybe not, but it’s what I tell myself everyday in order to get from sun up to sun down!

Defining my own happiness

This weekend I attended our annual multi year High School Reunion and as usual, it was pretty fun. As I look back on my years in High School I can’t help but reminisce on how easy life was back then. Some times during those years I remember thinking life was so difficult, but I think if I would have known then what I know now, I would have enjoyed those four years a lot more. I was so caught up in being cool, putting on the right appearances, and talking to the right people that I’m sure I missed out on some great friendships. As I stood around looking at the room full of people Saturday night, I must have said a million times to my friends “I don’t know anyone here”.

At one point in time, a woman came up to me and said “Oh my gosh you haven’t changed one bit since High School” and I had no clue who she was.

And that made me sad.

I spent some quality time with a guy I used to hang out with quite a bit. I will call him Mr. Cocktail. Mr. Cocktail and I had a unique friendship in high school and college and then we just drifted apart as we met other people and married our spouses. I see Mr. Cocktail once a year at these reunions and things just don’t seem to change in his life. I feel sorry for him. He is stuck between trying to do the right thing for his family and being happy and moving on with his life. He just seems drained every time we see each other.

It reminded me that happiness in life isn’t just one long passionate fairy tale. Quite honestly, I think if we experienced that kind of deep passion every day, we would take it for granted, just like we do everything else and life would become vanilla. But there has to be a happy medium. And I think in order to have that happy medium in our lives, we have to have some kind of consistency. And by that, I mean, it is not only important for us to co-exists and share in the life of someone we care about and love deeply, but we must also be able to share in the other side of the equation, the lows.

I have always believed that if you only had a few minutes, hours or days of happiness in a relationship and the rest was woeful, then why go to the extreme to hang onto those few short moments? It’s just not worth it, right? I am reminded of this again as I look back at the Hot Fireman. In one of our last conversations we had about the woman that had called me asking about our status, I told him that I felt sorry for the girl because she was crying. And he said, and I quote, “who the f$*# would cry over me?”

Well for one thing Mr. Hot Fireman. I would and I did. And you have no clue!

You see, from the beginning he said all the right things. Things that girls like to hear. Things that once we hear, we can never erase from our minds. Things like “I think we will be good together” or “I can’t wait to see you again” or “what would happen if we got married one day” or even, “I could see having a baby with you.” Yeah, those are the things that tend to stick in our heads. It’s statements like these that put us on our “happiness high”. And it was statements like these that allowed me to only see the silhouette of the Hot Fireman, because on the outside of this silhouette that I had created for him was a man, who I knew truly liked me, but one that was still being played like a puppet by his Ex Wife and hampering our time together.

Don't get me wrong, I don’t hold that against him in any way, because if my Ex was controlling the time I could see my kids based on his schedule, I would do the exact same thing and jump at every opportunity to see them too.

What I did learn about happiness from the Hot Fireman was that it requires an openness and willingness to put yourself out there, because if you don’t you will only experience limited happiness. And who wants that? We all deserve to be completely happy! No one wants to be held back feeling unsure, anxious and questioning everything. I didn’t want to be dependent on him for my happiness, but felt like maybe I was and I know this because of how horribly I feel now that I am not seeing him anymore. I was making him my only option for happiness and then wondering why I didn’t trust him and wasn’t happy. And that was not fair for him

I realize now that he got the wrath of my old relationship baggage and he didn't even know it.

Rest assured, I will not put off being happy again! I don’t want to be one of those people that places my happiness in the hands of others, and watch my life pass me by while hoping that everything else around me will change, instead of me changing.

I hope one day the Hot Fireman and I can be friends so that I can share this revelation with him and apologize.

In the meantime, I can only hope that he still reads this blog.

Wonder twin powers...activate

Have you ever dreamt about being a superhero?

Have you ever thought that maybe you could save the world from a disaster one day and be an invisible fly on the wall of your child’s first date the next day?

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if you could choose your own super power?

Well, last night I saw a commercial on television for a show about a family that has suddenly realized that they have developed superhuman abilities based on their inadequacies. And of course, as usual, this got me thinking about me and what I would want my superhuman power to be if I had a choice.

I immediately started thinking about the area of my life where I am lacking most. And because I am immersed in the nightmarish puzzle that I like to call the world of dating, I think I would like to develop the ability to decipher the truth in relationships.

You see, I have this sense of empathy for people that seems to do me more harm than good. I like to see good in everyone, which often keeps me from acknowledging the red flags in relationships early on. And because of this empathy I’m the one that usually gets hurt in the long run.

I so wished I would have had this superhuman power to know the truth in my relationship, or whatever it was, with the Hot Fireman. From the get go he seemed too good to be true. I should have gone with my gut from day one and moved on after the first date, but I chose to overlook the giant red flag that I saw that night and gave him the benefit of the doubt, because that’s the kind of person I am. Of course it was this one particular red flag that stuck with me from the beginning and drove me absolutely batty throughout.

I was very clear with the Hot Fireman from the beginning that communication and honesty were very important to me. Now let me clarify this statement. I’m not the kind of girl that uses phrases like “we need to talk”. That’s not the kind of communication I’m talking about. The communication I’m talking about is being open, truthful and honest at all times. Honestly, can you really start a relationship based on lies? No! The other person is going to sooner or later figure it out and then you will just look like a tool.

I won’t go into detail about what my red flag was with the Hot Fireman, but it did stick with me throughout our relationship. And every time he cancelled a date on me, which was ALL of the time, it reared it’s ugly head and I became more and more suspicious of him and his motives every single day. In the end I feel like my suspicions were confirmed when I got a phone call from a strange woman wanting to know what my relationship was with him. It’s a call that I never thought I would get, but was not surprised when I got it.

I may never know what really happened with the Hot Fireman, but because he just stopped calling one day I have no choice but to think that there was more to him than he let on. Which is too bad, because I think he is a great dad and has a lot to offer someone some day. Unfortunately his happily ever after, wasn't going to be with me. I understand that everyone has baggage, and I am a strong believer that there is usually nothing that two people who are right for each other can’t work through, with a little bit of honesty, and trust. He knew that I was willing to be someone he could trust and rely on, but I guess that wasn’t enough…and that makes me sad!

Gone in the blink of an eye

Come September I will have been single for 5 years. I cannot believe it’s already been almost 5 years. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think about how long it’s been. I can remember saying to myself early on “if I can just make it to the 5 year mark, I know I will be ok.”

Most days I feel back to normal and ok on an emotional level. Most days I am happy with the decision my ex made to walk out on us. Most days I feel good and am very happy with how my life has turned out.

Most days…

Yesterday, however, was not a day that I would put in the “most days” category. In fact, it was a day that I was both looking forward to and dreading all at the same time.

You see, I got a call from my ex mother-in-law (whom I adore) last week inviting me and my boys over for a family dinner. I/we were invited because her sister and brother-in-law (whom I also adore) were in town for a few days for a visit. I happily accepted the invitation and was looking forward to it.

I absolutely love my ex’s family and it is very rare that we see each other anymore. His sisters and mom were such special people in my life while my ex and I were dating/married. In fact, it’s often the loss of the relationship with these three women that I mourn the most in our divorce. Seeing them last night again was easy, comfortable, and fun. Is it wrong that I like to still refer to them as my sisters-in-law and their kids as my nieces and nephews? They are all such good people that I never want to have to disassociate myself from them.

But it’s still hard to see my Ex, especially now with how our relationship has changed over the past couple of years. I’m not gonna get into detail about how it has changed, suffice it to say, it’s just changed.

So when he walks in and treats me like I have the plague, I have to be a little hurt. When he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence, I have to be a little hurt. I saw him looking at me, I caught him glancing my way every once in a while. But heaven forbid he talk to me or carry on a conversation with me.

I admit I had to rush out at the end of the evening to hold back tears. I admit that walking down the driveway at my ex mother-in-laws house was emotional for me. Emotional because it was a reminder of what once was… We were once a family, the Ex, me, Hamilton and Gibson. We were once a happy family. We were once a family that enjoyed each other and loved each other very much…until one day…poof, just like that it was all gone, in the blink of an eye.

I often wonder what I would do if my Ex ever came back on bended knees with flowers and an apology. I have absolutely no idea how I would react. Some days I wish that would happen, but most days I’m scared of what would happen if he did.

I can't fix what's made to be

WARNING: This is NOT my typical post. If you have come here looking for the normal shits and giggles that you often get at He Who Laughs Last, I suggest you move on for the day. Today’s post is abnormally serious, but one I must broach. I promise, I will be back on the up and up, and by up and up I mean I will be funny again SOON.

I don’t know about you, but I often miss the little girl whose dreams had no barriers, who believed in a world where anything was possible, who had a heart that was full and unbroken. I wonder at times when that little girl left and I became an adult. At what point in time did I become that girl that no longer wanted to play with dolls and ride my bike with friends. When did I start to think that dressing up and playing with barbies was childish and immature? When exactly did life become so difficult?

If I could pinpoint that moment in time, I would go back and hit the pause button. I would wake up early and play with my friends, I would break out the barbies and the dolls, I would run wild through the neighborhood without a care in the world. I would make Popsicles out of orange juice and catch lightning bugs, just one last time. Because on days like today those are the memories that we hold onto for dear life, those are the memories that keep us going through the hurt and the pain of being adults, those are the memories that we never want to let go of.

The past few weeks have been very difficult. They have included multiple counts of uncontrollable crying, many run- ins with annoying people, four or five counts of emotional eating, one count of uncontrollable spending, several counts of regretful Ex-texting, and one massive headache that just won’t go away.

In fact, I finally had to call my doctor to prescribe me something so that I could sleep at night. It has been a hell of a few weeks and I have often wished I could go back to the days of my youthful innocence. But yet again, I am reminded of the words my mom said to me many times growing up… “this too shall pass.”

My response to that today is… “oh yeah, when?”

You see, I have gotten myself into a little…ahem…predicament as of late that I knew I would regret in the long run, but I just couldn’t help myself. I tend to be an “instant gratification” kind of girl and this behavior has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion. Especially when dealing with matters of the heart.

I’m not proud of my behavior or my actions, but what is done is done…Now I just have to figure out how to move on.

You see, I have made yet another bad decision, that I thought I could handle, only to get myself hurt in the long run. And that bad decision was reconnecting with someone from my past when I knew deep down in my heart that it would lead to nowhere…fast!

The moment he first indicated an attraction was awesome! There was excitement, I had butterflies. I was thrilled. It was a moment I had dreamed about for a long long time. Then there was the connection and the control, it was like a ball rolling down a hill, it just kept moving faster and faster. I reached out, I grabbed the opportunity. I was in it for the fun. But the fun ended when someone got hurt. I got hurt. He doesn’t know how hurt I am. I won’t ever tell him because I thought I was in control. Clearly, I wasn’t. I feel so stupid, yet again. I feel so ugly, yet again. I feel so hurt, yet again. And he will never know, yet again.

Back to square one, yet again!

Project Love: Day #15

Hardened to Love

Divorce hurts!

But the crazy thing about divorce is that it not only hurts the person who got left behind, but apparently it also hurts the person doing the leaving.

For those of you that have never gone through a divorce, I say congratulations. And for you, I paint this picture…divorce is like having a piece of yourself ripped away, it’s like a dull ache that never goes away. Divorce makes it hurt to breathe all day, every day in the beginning! It is a deep, searing debilitating pain. It’s a pain that I do not wish on anyone, not even my worst enemies!

Clearly, divorce sucks! According to statistics, the only other event in life that causes more stress to oneself is the death of a spouse. Divorce causes more stress than let’s say getting fired or going to jail. But probably the most stressful part of divorce, if you are the one that was dumped, is the fact that your spouse, or the person you once loved dearly, is still out in the world walking around. And if you have kids, it means you still have to see that person several times a week. It’s not like a death where you don’t ever see that person ever again. Not that I would ever wish death on my ex, but in hind sight it might have made the transition from being loved and married to being divorced and unloved, a lot easier.

The first couple of years after my divorce, the pain just kept coming and coming. Sometimes I would get a breather and think, “oh good, the hard part is over”, but more often than not, when I was overcome with that particular feeling, more trouble was just around the corner.

What made my divorce so awful and debilitating at times, you might ask? Well, in my case, I loved my husband dearly when he walked out on us. I thought we had a good marriage. Did we have a great marriage? Probably not, but it was good. Looking back now I think we both fell into the trap of being only parents and the deeper we got into this role, the quicker we fell away from being husband and wife, friends and lovers.

When my ex left he could never really say that he was leaving me for someone else, someone who could offer him more than I could. So he did the unthinkable, he blew me away with a couple of shots to my self esteem that took me almost four years to recover from. Are you wondering what he could have possibly said or done that was so bad? I bet you are!

Early on in our separation I could never get him to admit that he left me for someone else, even though it was confirmed by some of his friends. He left me for someone he worked with. Talk about a crushing blow…and if that wasn’t enough, instead of him telling me that at the time he took the other route, the route that I thought would always be unforgiveable. He told me, in these exact words,
“I don’t love you. I have never loved you. I am not attracted to you and I have never been attracted to you.”

I will NEVER ever forget those words or the distances in his eyes when he said them to me. You can only imagine what those words did to me after 15 years together(7 in a relationship, 8 married).

Those words sent me into a downward spiral, mentally, physically and emotionally. A spiral that took me years to come out of. Years of therapy and positive self talk. Years of knowing I was not the person he said I was, but not knowing how to believe it. In my mind it was just as Julie Roberts says in Pretty Woman, “the bad stuff is easier to believe.”

I knew that I would never be able to forgive my ex for those hurtful words. To this day, I still cringe when I hear them in my mind. I still get nauseous when I think of that moment in time.

I thank God every day for sending me good friends and a good therapist to help me get over those
comments. For I know now that my ex did not mean what he said. I know now in so many ways that he was just scared and didn’t know what else to do.

I could only hope one day to receive an apology for that moment in our lives. I know not to expect one, but if I ever got one, I guarantee you it will mean more to me than anything in this world ever has.

My ex and I have come a long way in these past five years. But more importantly, I feel like I have become the person I was before we had kids. I am an independent woman and thinker who loves life and all that it has to offer. Sure, I’m still a good mom, but I have also figured out how to balance being a good mom while still persuing my dreams.

I lost my identity once my ex and I had kids! But I’m proud to say that I have found myself and like myself. Never ever again will I let any one individual hurt my self esteem like that.

But what I will say to my ex, if he is reading this is, THANK YOU! Thank you for setting me free and allowing me the chance to see who I lost! For that I will be forever grateful! I still wish every day that we could have figured out a way to keep our independence and still be one happy family, but it wasn’t in our cards at the time.

Here’s to the future!

Love is a Battlefield

Whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Yesterday’s post has really made me think about my long road to recovery. January 7th will be the fifth year anniversary of my ex-husband asking for a divorce…out of the blue. And in the midst of asking for a divorce these words came out of his mouth…verbatim, “I don’t love you, I am not attracted to you, I have never been attracted to you.” Talk about a knife to the heart! Those are statements that I will NEVER ever forget! It didn’t take long for them to send me into a tailspin of low self esteem, and I have struggled to recover from those harsh words ever since. But after five long years of therapy, both professional and with friends, I have realized that I am loveable! I am beautiful! And though I never would have believed it five years ago, I am a better person today because of those statements. They forced me to delve deep within and begin the process of loving myself, because how can I expect to love someone if I don’t love myself first, right? Those statements alone gave me the opportunity to step back, let go and regroup.

In this long recovery process, I have learned many things. First, and foremost, I am reminded that it is ok to focus on me, every once in a while. And it is this focus that has allowed me to grieve the loss of what I thought was the perfect family. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t given myself the proper amount of time to focus on me and grieve properly I would not be as far along in my recovery as I am today.

During this struggle to learn how to love me I was also able to re-acquaint myself with my friends and lean on them for support. Some days it took a lot for me to get out of the house and spend times with them, but I did it anyway. Most of the time I had to force myself to get together with the girls but in the end I was always glad I did. I often found that the quality time with my friends went a long way towards healing my spirit. But mostly, the time with my friends helped me take the focus off of my ex and place more of an emphasis on building and strengthening the friendships of these women I love and who love me.

I also took this time to focus on my health. Most days, in the beginning, I didn’t want to eat but I forced myself to anyway. And then I soon realized that I felt better if I hit the gym and worked out. This, not only got me out of the house, but it also forced me to remember that the best way to get over someone was NOT to get under someone new. I quickly realized that if my head wasn’t in the right place the loneliness would kick in and my focus then became replacing someone that hurt me instead of focusing on becoming healthier both mentally and physically, and finding someone that loved me.

What I struggled with the most was the rebuilding of my confidence and self esteem. I knew that the sooner I focused on rebuilding these the better I would feel. And in order for me to do this, I needed to figure out what really went wrong in my relationship so I focused on learning a lesson from this hurt and pain. I learned that I didn’t NEED someone in my life to make me happy. I learned to live my life without him. And what I figured is that I am living a happier live now than I ever thought I would. I am actually liking who I have become.

It’s funny as I look back…if you would have told me five years ago that I wasn’t happy, that I needed to focus more on me, that I needed to strengthen my friendships, that I needed to be healthier both mentally and physically or that I needed to have more self esteem and self confidence, I would have laughed at you! I thought I had all of that…I WAS WRONG!

But this I do know…because I have focused on healing and rebuilding I know that there is someone out there that will love me in the way I want…I just have to find him. And I will never find him if I am wallowing in self doubt. I’m so glad I picked myself up by my bra straps and realized that there was so much more to live for. And even though no one likes to go through a break up, it is what I needed and has taught me many valuable lessons that I hope will help guide my future relationships.

Wait…what…huh? I think I just had a light bulb moment…Maybe it was all of this healing and rebuilding of Julie that is opening the eyes of these men from my past. Whatever the reason, I have to admit…all this attention feels good!

To be or not to be, that is the question

Do you believe in soul mates? I didn’t used to. If I were being honest with you, I used to think the whole concept was kind of corny. But recently I have had the opportunity to rethink this theory. I once read that a soul mate is “someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys that fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we are pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of each other. Our soul mate is one who makes life come to life (Richard Bach).” Recently after reading that I thought, wow, maybe I do have a soul mate.

What do I think a soul mate is, you might ask? My definition of a soul mate is someone that you have connected with on a different level than you have ever connected with anyone else. Someone who understands what you are thinking even before you say anything. Someone who makes you feel completely at ease at all times. A soul mate is someone whom you never doubt that they are telling you the truth. This person makes you feel confident, secure and safe in their presence. When you first meet your soul mate you recognize there is something special between the two of you.

With that being said, I believe I have recently met my soul mate, unfortunately for me, he came in and out of my life so quick that I may never know. Let’s call my soul mate “Mr. Show”. Mr. Show and I have known each other for many years, but lost touch for a lot of them. We recently had the opportunity to reconnect and for this I feel very lucky. I remember the first time I saw him again. The air, which was heavy and warm suddenly became cool and breezy...breezy enough to give me goose bumps. I actually remember turning around at this moment and making eye contact for the first time. His response was a huge smile that melted my heart. I honestly had a feeling come over me that I had never experienced before. It’s hard to put into words, but he also had a similar experience.

He doesn’t live locally, so we only had the opportunity to go on a couple of dates before we had to start the old fashioned, Jane Austen kind of communication…emails. Ok, not that Jane Austen had a computer and could actually email, but written communication is the point I am trying to make. Anyway, on the couple of dates, well actually only one, because the first one didn’t count as a date since I invited him to go out with me and my friends…isn’t it only a date when the guy asks you out? Maybe that‘s the old fashioned girl in me…who knows. Sorry for the side banter…anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, our date/dates…were fabulous! Conversation was awesome, continual, interesting…never a moment where we struggled for topics. He was the kind of guy that was genuinely interested in the things I had to say and vise verse. My friends loved him and thought that the connection we had was amazing! We also went on what we both considered to be the best date ever. We had the same sense of humor and laughed constantly. The physical attraction and chemistry was there as well. For those of you wanting detail…it ain’t gonna happen so don’t email me later today to get the scoop. A girl never kisses and tells!

Anyway, my point being, all of the pieces of the puzzle were coming together in such a short time. Once he left we continued on with our communication via email. We got to know each other on a deeper level without allowing the “physical” part of a relationship to get in the way. I believe, this gave us the opportunity to really get to know each other on an emotional level, which to me is the most important thing in a relationship. I always felt like we connected well, had similar ideals, goals in life and were very encouraging to each other. It’s like we were on the same wave length, always on the same page. We accepted each other for who we were and who we wanted to become. Honestly, I had never had this kind of connection with anyone, not even my ex husband.

Unfortunately, that’s where it ended, a couple of great dates and weeks worth of written communication and we hit an impasse that he couldn’t seem to get through. And poof, Mr. Show drifted out of my life as fast as he drifted in. And this saddens me. It also makes me wonder if a soul mate can be a soul mate even though you aren’t proactively a part of each others lives. And if this is the case, then how do you know it? Do you leave the door open in case his dreams don’t pan out? Do you close the door and consider it a fluke? What happens next? I may never know, but this I do know…I have always been a hopeless romantic, a believer in true love, of destined souls finding one another, meant to be together. And that thought, I will hold onto forever…