Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Friday night lights

I love having my kids every Friday night. It’s our time to have fun and wind down from a long hectic week. Usually Monday-Thursday is nonstop from the moment we get up in the morning until the moment we go to bed. We don’t ever have quiet one on one time to catch up through the week. So Friday nights are our nights to say hi, talk about our week, and have some fun.

This past Friday was no exception. I race home because I was excited to spend time with Hamilton and Gibson. I come running in the house expecting to be greeted by two sweet boys dying to see me as much as I am dying to see them. When instead, what I see is two grumpy kids pissed that they had to be home by 5:30pm, because all they wanted to do all week is play with their friends. I have to admit, this crushed me, but I do the right thing and I give them the opportunity to hang with me or stay and play with their friends. I then give them the “puppy dog eyes” and manage to irk up some small tears to make them feel a little guilty for not wanting to spend time with me.

Hey, I’m not proud…a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do, right?

Well it worked…the puppy dog eyes with a few tears along with the bribery of ice cream and a trip to the Bookstore and they agreed to be happy and hang with me for the evening.

So we head out on our weekly Friday night of fun!

First we eat, then head to the book store. The book store is a favorite of ours. I usually grab some of my cheap trashy gossip magazines and pop a squat in the coffee shop while Hamilton and Gibson frolic the kids and independent reader sections. It’s a win win situation for all of us.

Except for this particular night…

I decided to mix up my reading repritore a little. Instead of my normal trashy gossip magazines I decided to use this opportunity as a research session for the book I am writing. So I grab a stack of books, including the following:

Still Hot: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce and Dating
Single Mom Seeking
He’s History, You’re Not
101 Things to do the First Year of Your Divorce.

Ideally my goal was to thumb through these books and get an idea of how these authors write and what they write about. As I sit down to read my books, I notice an odd looking gentleman a few seats down from me reading a book. I smile at him as I sit down, and this smile is the moment I realize the evening took a turn for the worse.

I feel “odd looking man” staring at me all evening, and I try very hard to ignore him. But every time one of my kids comes over to ask me a question he comments on how cute they are or how well behaved they are. I politely say “thank you” each time and quickly turn my attention back to my research material.

Suddenly I hear this…

Odd looking man: Guys are jerks, aren’t they?

I ignore it because I was so afraid this guy was talking to me and I didn’t want to talk to him. Then I hear this…

Odd looking man: I mean seriously…they are all jerks.

Out of pure embarrassment for this guy I look up and give him and awkward smile and a smirk. I move the research material closer to my face. I suddenly felt like a two year old playing hide and seek. You know kind of like “if I hide behind this book, he will never know I’m here.”

Odd looking man: Well except for me

Me: (taking his bait…when will I ever learn) excuse me?

Odd looking man: I can’t help but notice the books you are reading

Me: Oh these? Yeah, I’m writing a book and just doing a little research

Odd looking man: I’m not a jerk

Me: That’s nice

Suddenly, our awkward conversation was interrupted by Gibson. Thank God!

Gibson: (whispering in my ear) mom why is that man with no teeth and the funny glasses reading that book?

I glance over and am horrified to see a book with a very buff looking half naked man on the front. I quickly note that the author of the book’s last name is Merritt. I don’t know why I note this, I just do. I’m also the girl that reads license plate numbers on passing cars…you never know when you will need that useless information either…

Me:(whisper yelling at Gibson) I don’t know…now go find some books and give me some quite time.

Odd looking man: Your kids are so well behaved

Me: Thanks

Odd looking man: So do you date?

Me: Sometimes…

DOH! Why didn’t I just tell him “No” or “I’m in a relationship”? Why do I decide to be honest at this moment?

By this time Hamilton and Gibson are packed up and ready to go.

Odd looking man: I’m a great date

Me: That’s nice

Odd looking man: Are you from around here?

Me: (nervously packing up) Yes…I just live up the street

Odd looking man: I rode my bike up here

Me: (thinking to myself) of course you did

Odd looking man: Do you ever log onto dating websites?

Hamilton and Gibson are now pulling and tugging at my arms dying to leave

Me: No I don’t. Have a nice evening.

Odd looking man: Well my username is **********Robert on Plenty of Fish if you would like to contact me.

Gibson: Mom, what is plenty of fish?

Me: Ummm…it’s a game for adults

Gibson: oh, kind of like Barrel of Monkeys?

Me: Yes, Gibson, that’s exactly what it is…

So there you have it. That’s how I get picked up. You wanna see a picture of the guy that was trying to pick me up while my kids were with me?

Yep…he looked a little like this…

And the ride he would pick me up for our first date…it looked a little something like this…

Oh yea, you wanna know what book he was reading?

Yep…it was this one

…that’s right people, Gay Fiction.

I immediately went home and took a shower.

Monday, August 30, 2010

The what if place

Being divorced is never easy.

We single parents have our ups and downs just like everyone else. I’m not one to say I have it easier or harder than any other single parent out there because we all have our own struggles and vices. Some are harder than others, but they are ours and we have to own up to them in order to be able to conquer them. Right?

I know it sounds good on paper. But it’s one of those things that is definitely easier said than done.

You see, my struggle or vice is an ex who I have struggled getting over for quite some time now. I don’t know what it is about him but he has this kind of hold or control over me. And it’s crazy because when I look back on our relationship he still treats me the same way now that he did then. I didn’t like it then, but I tolerated it…and I definitely don’t like it now. But I still sometimes wonder what could have been.

I often wonder if these feelings are normal.

This Ex, who shall remain nameless, in fact I will refer to him from here on out as HWSRN, or “He who shall remain nameless," was, I believe the love of my life. Note, that I say was, because I truly believe for that time in my life he was the love of my life. Now, however, I believe there is someone else out there for me that will love me for me, and he will be the real “love of my life”.

But, as true as those words are, it’s still sometimes hard to believe that it will ever happen. Especially when HWSRN rears his beautiful head again. And rear his beautiful head gain, he did. This weekend, as a matter of fact. He sent me a flirty text message. And as much as I hate to admit it, it truly excited me. It excites me because it was again validation that he does care. You see when he left he said he didn’t love me and he wasn’t attracted to me, but his text messages reveal otherwise.

I love knowing that he still thinks about me and that he still cares, but as much as I love it, it’s always like taking five steps back in my recovery. Why, you might ask. Well…you see, every time he rears his beautiful head it puts me back in the “what if” mode…what if things would have worked out, what if we would have tried harder, what if I were to give into him…again? And then I start thinking in terms of my future with the potential “real love of my life” and as difficult as this is for me to admit, I find myself thinking, “how will a relationship with the real love of my life affect HWSRN"…and I get sad. I know, I know…it’s crazy, but it’s true! I can’t help the feelings he brings out in me.

But, I stayed strong and didn’t give into his advances. It was very difficult. I did it and I feel really good about it. But I do find myself wondering if I will have as much self control when he comes around again. Because he will…and secretly, I can’t wait!

Don’t hate me.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Top Ten Friday

Since I missed posting Top Ten Friday last week, my original plan was to post a double whammy today. However, I seemed to have worn myself out in this new P90X endeavor that I am on. Last night was the Yoga portion. I HATE YOGA! But then I overdid it and also did my normal Boot Camp style workout with my trainer. Quite frankly, I’m pooped and don’t have it in me to do an extra special Top Ten Friday. Sorry, guys you will just have to be happy with a normal post today…but never fear…it’s still good!

As many of you are aware I have recently ventured back out into the world of online dating. I know…call me crazy or don’t call me crazy. Either way I justify this silly move with statements like “a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do” and “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Ok, that second cliché doesn’t make sense here, but clichés aren’t my thing when I’m worn out. They are however, my thing when I’m at a bar with my friends. Sorry, was that too much information?

Ok…back on track…onto my original thought…Online dating…

Before I created my own dating profile, I “stalked” profiles of other women to see what kinds of things they were saying about themselves. And after viewing a good handful of them, I am of the humble opinion that most women DO NOT know what to put on a profile. Come to think of it, maybe it’s me that doesn’t know what to say in a profile, because I have never ever been successful at online dating. But I digress, I’m going to give you my two cents anyway. I have concluded that if men based their selections on the written portion of the profile alone, I would definitely be Top Dog…unfortunately for me, looks is what matters most to 99.9% of men.

Anwho…based on my minutes of profile research I have decided to grace you with the Top Ten Rules for Women to Live By When Looking for your Online Prince Charming.

You’re welcome!

10. Never ever use words like jovial or bubbly in your profile. More often than not when men hear these words they immediately think obese, even though we think they will translate these unique words into funny and cute.

9. Please don’t post photos of your kids. But if you do, might I suggest one simple photo of them from behind. Something so that your online prince charming can get a sense of how old they are. Don’t post multiple pictures of your kids on a dating website, quite frankly, there is something very perverse about that.

8. While I have you on the topic of pictures, always include at least one of you close up and one of you full length. This is enough to give your online prince charming a good sense of what you look like. You may think your ears stick out a little too much or your nose is kind of big, but trust me, getting it out there ahead of time will save you countless bad first dates with shallow men.

7. Most men are intimidated by pictures of women always dressed to the nine and done up. Keep your pictures as natural as possible and don’t overdue the makeup. Face it, no one wants to date a clown, well except maybe Bozo.

6. Avoid using phrases like “looking for an honest man.” When men hear statements like that they automatically assume that you have been cheated on and therefore probably start imagining that they can cheat on you before they have even met you. I know this is a crazy concept, but one of my dear single guy friends laid this nonsense on me a few weeks ago.

5. Keep your profile short. Men have the attention span of a preschooler!

4. Avoid group shots unless it is completely obvious which one you are in the picture. Otherwise, when you post a picture of you and your hottest friends, your online prince charming will automatically zoom into the hottest girl in the picture and assume it is you. And the look of disappointment on his face will be completely obvious on your first, and probably only date.

3. Please, please please don’t use pictures of yourself where your ex has been obviously cropped out or had a black bar placed over his eyes. No man wants to visualize that you have ever been in a relationship with another man.

2. If your name is something like Mildred or Martha, might I suggest using a nickname in your profile. You know something more youthful like Lindsey, Brittney, or Brandi. No guy wants to date their 90 year old grandma, they are looking for your inner porn star and I don’t believe there are to many porn stars named Martha or Mildred.

1. And finally, if you have more than two cats, please leave that bit of information out of your profile and save it for conversation on, oh let’s say the fourth or fifth date, you know after you have had the chance to woo your online Prince Charming. If you don’t follow this advice and choose to list that you live alone with your five cats, then most men will put you in the “spinster” category even before they get to know you.

Ladies, I beg you to heed this advice. Men, you're up next week!

Stay tuned...

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Uncomfortably comfortable

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to convince yourself that you are going to start your diet tomorrow when you are sitting on the couch fat and happy after a delicious meal? It’s this moment in my day that I often become my very own mental cheerleader. There is something about being uncomfortably comfortable that always makes me want to “start my diet tomorrow”. But then tomorrow comes and by 10am I have already blown it. And have somehow convinced myself that the next day will be the day I start.

I have this battle with myself almost every single day.

In one of these uncomfortably comfortable moments I even went so far as to advertise on my Facebook status that I was looking to borrow P90X from someone. I was shocked at the offers that came in. My friend, Kelly from high school sent me her copy right away. I got it two months ago, put it on top of my television and proceeded to stare at it every single night while I was in my uncomfortably comfortable stage.

Well, here it is Thursday and I’m already 4 days in to P90X. I’m loving it! It’s tough, but I feel so good when I’m done with a workout. And the best part is that I have not had one single moment of being uncomfortably comfortable.

Oh wait, I take that back…

Monday night after my workout, I did the unthinkable. I got my 9 year old, Hamilton out of bed at 9:30pm and told him that mommy needed a “favor”. He obliged…heck, he was just happy that he could stay up late…he didn’t care what the favor entailed. Quite frankly, I think he would have scrubbed toilets if it meant he didn’t have to be in bed.

That is until he realized what the “favor” was…

Yep, I solicited his help in taking my “before” pictures for the P90X program. He was completely mortified. I don’t know why…it was just me in a tank top and shorty shorts…what about that could possibly make a nine year old boy uncomfortable? Oh yeah, I’m his mom, I forgot!

Anyway, here is how our “photo shoot” went down…I’m not proud.

Me: Ham, this favor is very important. I wouldn’t have gotten you out of bed if I didn’t think you could handle the job.

Ham: What is it mom?

Me: Promise you won’t laugh?

Ham: Mom…come on, what is it?

Me: I need you to take some “before” pictures of me for my P90X program.

Ham: You’re not going to be naked, are you?

Me: No, what kind of mother do you think I am?

Ham: One that likes to run around naked in the mornings after you get out of the shower.

Me: Nice Ham, real nice Ham!

Ham: I’m just telling it like I see it.

Me: Don’t piss me off before we even get started.

Ham: Ok…but do I have to look while I am taking the pictures?

Me: How are you going to take the pictures if you aren’t looking?

Ham: Good point…

(first picture: me standing straight up tall in my shorty shorts against a blue wall)

Me: Ok…I’m ready

Ham: This is awkward…

Me: Just take the picture

(second picture: me standing straight up tall in my shorty shorts trying to show off my guns)

Me: Ok…I’m ready

Ham: Are you supposed to have muscles?

Me: No it’s the beginning of the program…just take the picture

Ham: You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to look like you have muscles

Me: Just take the picture

Ham: This is awkward…

(third & final picture: me standing sideways in my shorty shorts)

Me: Ok…I’m ready

Ham: You may want to suck in your gut

Me: (trying not to sob uncontrollably) just take the picture Hamilton

Ham: This is awkward

Again, I’m not proud. I’m a single mom, which also means I am the family photographer. I’m never in any pictures unless I beg someone to take them. And never again will I beg my 9 year old son to take another picture of me…

Lesson learned!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

What's a girl to do but wash, rinse and repeat

I’ve done it again!

I can’t help it.

It’s a bad habit, and we all know that bad habits take at least 21 days to overcome. But for some reason, this is one that I can’t kick in the butt!

Now that I have totally freaked out all of my close friends…NO it’s not what you are thinking! I’ve promised I would never do THAT again, and I’ve stuck to it...so far! You can all breathe a sigh of relief.

on a side note: if I do ever decide to do THAT again, please don’t judge me…just know that it was a moment of weakness that I couldn’t control!

The “that” that I am referring to now is this stupid thing called online dating.

It sucks every single time I do it. In fact, I don’t know why I do it. It’s like a bad penny, it just rears its ugly head when I least expect it, and I can’t control it. These dating sites, have what they call “free weekends” and every time, I get suckered into it. And every time…I REGRET IT. I think I convince myself by telling myself, that going out with losers has got to be better than sitting home on a Saturday night enjoying the company of a good book and a bottle of wine. But what I have learned is that not much beats a good book and a nice bottle of wine. No matter what I tell myself.

But, I’m in it for the next three months. SUCKER!

Oh yeah, I’m also into P90X for the next three months. I started Monday night and let me tell you, I can’t decide between online dating and P90X which one is I hate most…quite frankly, they both suck worse than a hooker at a Democratic convention.

But I digress…back to my loser life…

I was chatting with a couple of guys from one of the horrid online dating sites.

The first one, I will call “Tall Boy”…after all he was something like 6 foot 6…maybe even taller, I can’t remember. Whatever the case, he was over 6 foot 4 so in my book he was tall, hence the name, Tall Boy.

Tall Boy and I only chatted for a couple of days. It turns out we had a lot of friends in common, we went to rival high schools that were only about 10 miles apart. One of the first emails I received from him he told me he was in a horrible car accident in college and has been confined to a wheel chair ever since…just my luck, I finally meet a “tall guy” (my number one requirement) and he uses a wheel chair. He was super sweet in his email and said that he was ok if I was not ok with the fact that he used a wheel chair. I responded and let him know that honestly, I had no idea how I felt about it, but I definitely didn’t see a reason why we couldn’t get to know one another in the meantime. He asked me out for a drink, I accepted with the stipulation that we were going to have to wait a week because my kids had just started school and football, and as a single mom, trying to work out their schedules alone was very overwhelming.

Guess what…I never heard from him again! “poof”…just like that he was gone.

But I’m cool with that.

The second one, I will call “Hot Fireman”. Hot Fireman, was just that, hot and a fireman. Let me break it down even more, hot + fireman = Hot Fireman. I know, I’m a genius when it comes to naming the characters in my life. Anyway, the Hot Fireman and I communicated via email and text for over a week. He did the cool thing and actually asked me out on a date a couple of days ahead of time.

For those of you that aren’t single…this is very rare. Anymore, most men ask you out at the last minute…I can only assume it’s because nothing better has come along and they don’t want to sit at home by themselves with a good book and a bottle of wine on a Saturday night (you see the viscious cycle that is my dating life).

So Hot Fireman asks me if I want to play a round of golf. I was hesitant. After all, I hadn’t played a round of golf since last summer, and the only time I actually stepped foot on a golf course this year was at the driving range with the Cute Electrician (do I need to explain to you how this character got his name?). So I declined a game, but gave him the alternative of hitting a bucket of balls with me. I left it open. He called me the next day at the last minute and had to ask for a rain check. But I knew…I knew I would never hear from him again…and I was right, it’s been a week and no word from the Hot Fireman.

And I’m cool with that too. But it does beg the question.

What is the deal with these men? Why can’t they communicate? I’m a big girl. If you have had a change of heart…I can take it. If you’ve met someone else, I can take it. If you have really looked at my profile and are all of the sudden repulsed by it, I can take it. My life isn’t dependent on whether or not we go out, really it isn’t. I have nothing invested in you. If you don’t want to go out with me, I’m ok with that, just let me know and maybe even tell me why.

Because you know what…I deserve nothing less.

The way I see it is if you have balls enough to ask me out, then you should have balls enough to either follow through with the date or tell me why you aren’t following through with the date.

It’s just common courtesy.

So boys…I beg you, suck it up! If you don’t want to go out with me, that’s fine, just tell me…and please do it in a timely manner, and by timely manner, I mean before the liquor store closes on Saturday night, so that I have enough time to get a good bottle of wine. After all, I don’t want to waste my Saturday nights watching Golden Girl reruns if I don’t have to.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Eat pray what?

I'm over here as well today...see if you can figure out where?

At one point in time, quite a few years back, my girlfriends and I tried to get serious about a book club. We were determined to give ourselves a month to read a book and then gather to discuss it. But what we quickly realized is that we could never have a serious conversation about the books we read. Sure we would try. The first five minutes would be a very serious discussion, but then we would realize that we had other more important things to discuss or gossip about, if you will. And only a few months in, our “book club” as we knew it, no longer existed.

One of the first books we read was Elizabeth Gilbert’s, Eat Pray Love. It was an ok book, but at the time it didn’t resonate with me very well, because I was happily married and for the life of me couldn’t figure out how someone could up and leave their life as they knew it to go “find” herself. It just didn’t make sense to me. While I still don’t agree with the reasons she left her marriage (I don’t believe she fought hard enough for it), I do envy what she did. I sometimes wish my life allowed me the same kind of opportunity. But when you have two young boys that you suddenly become responsible for, that dream of traveling the world to find yourself, becomes just that, a dream.

After my divorce, I decided to take my own little trip of sorts to find myself. And by trip, I mean, 4 years of expensive therapy. (For what I forked out in therapy, I could have probably traveled the world twofold, but that’s beside the point.) And even after all of that expensive therapy, I am still amazed that I manage to learn things about myself every day. It’s weird how the slightest thing can spark something in me and end up becoming a “light bulb moment” or learning experience .

My therapist would be proud of the light bulb moment I had this weekend.

I went to see Eat Pray Love with my girlfriends before our girls night out. The book was ok, but it was nothing to write home about, so I wasn’t super excited to see the movie, but I love movies and usually don’t turn down the offer to see one, especially when my girlfriends are going. (on a side note: DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go see this movie on an empty stomach. The food looked amazing!) As I was watching, Julie Roberts portray Elizabeth Gilbert, she said something so profound and it hit me like a ton of bricks. So I went home, got my copy of the book and found the entire quote and thought I would share it with you.

Here it is.

“Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issues with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time- everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and so depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”

And that’s when it hit me. It was that moment in the movie when I realized that I put absolutely everything I have into my relationships. And this, I believe, is why it is often very difficult for me to recover from a break-up or disappointment of any kind within my relationships.

As I see it written down on paper, I’m not proud of that part of me. I’m not proud of who that woman is. I’m sad that she seems to only be able to find happiness and security when she is in love. I’m sad that she can’t see her life for what it really is and I’m sad, that she is 39 and just waking up to this fact.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Let's celebrate with a Chablis and 7-up

If you are like me, you love a good Girls Night Out. I have the absolute best friends in the world and have decided that I just don’t spend enough time with them. We try our best to get together every other week, but it is difficult. Between the nine of us we have a total of 8 husbands, 2 ex-husbands, 28 kids, and umpteen animals.

As you can imagine, scheduling often becomes difficult.

I often think back to the time when I was newly married and had no kids. Scheduling a girls night out was so much easier then. It was a matter of one email or a couple of quick phone calls.

But, now, it’s not so easy.

Now it involves umpteen emails, bargaining between spouses, the fight to get good sitters, and emotional back room shenanigans just to get a date on the calendar. Quite frankly, by the time a date and place has been set, I’m utterly exhausted.

Usually the need for a girls night out is initiated by one woman in the group who really, and I mean really, needs to get out for a few hours of laughter. The initial contact is quite often an email with a mere suggestion of a get together (read: you bitches better join me because I NEED to get away from my kids for awhile).

Then, the volley begins. Back and forth, back and forth trying to select the perfect date when most of us can attend. This email volley continues until a true date can be agreed upon. Once everyone is copied on the email the frantic phone calls begin to find sitters, convince husbands that we need to have drinks with our girls, or bribe our older children with money to watch their younger siblings.

We then spend days anticipating the evening. We find ourselves longing for the connect, the giggling, the support and the pee your pants laughter that will surely take place.

My group of girls often gathers at someone’s house in our pajamas. This way there is no pressure to get pretty and possibly annoy those around us at a nice restaurant. Because, I don’t know about you, but we are often loud and probably obnoxious to those that are not a part of our group. And the pajama party…best invention every for a girls night out.

Gentlemen, get your minds out of the gutter, we are not all in our sexiest lingere, having pillow fights.

But the funny thing is, no matter how much we need to spend time together, or want to be around one another, it always seems to be an early night. We gather with high hopes of a long late night, but the reality of it is that usually by 9pm we are all yawning and exhausted from the long days. Our eyes are twitching from sleep deprivation, several conversations have already begun with, “Julie, why do you always seem to date the losers?” and we are already dreading the early morning alarm clocks.

We are out the door before the sun sets, and the next day I still feel as though I have just taken part in several games of flippy cup and beer pong(I’m still shocked that one vodka on the rocks makes me feel like a novice drinker in the morning). But we somehow manage to still be grateful that we were able to get away for a few short hours…we deserve to have fun, right?

Unfortunately, it’s not like it used to be anymore. My life nowadays, consists of being awakened by my alarm at 6am, hitting the snooze an average of 2-3 times, and running frantically into Hamilton and Gibson’s bedrooms trying to awaken two exhausted boys from a sound sleep. Because of this, I know that the days of people-watching and guy-scoping of the bar scene is pretty much moot. Plus, my girls are all married…they don’t want to be subjected to my sorry life. After all, I don’t want to scare them away from our friendship.

But still, the next time someone suggests a girls night out, I am all over it like white on rice. even though the white on rice feels like a much older, divorced mom of two kids version of myself. Because there is a certain satisfaction in putting on my glasses and favorite pajamas to enjoy a kid free, fun filled 3 hours of laughing, crying, giggling and just letting ourselves go in the company of those that love us unconditionally!

Cheers to the next girls night out!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Looking forward to Wednesday

This week is going to be a tough week. Tuesday marks the 11th anniversary of my mom’s death. Each year I dread this day. Each year on this day, I revert into my own little world and shut everyone else out. I can’t help it, it’s my way of coping.

But never fear, come Wednesday I will be fine.

To this day, I still miss my mom dearly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. My kids talk about her like they knew her. My dad still misses her as much today as he did in the first couple of years. It’s sad, yet sweet at the same time.

I can’t believe it’s been eleven years.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down!

Today’s post is a random mix of things that caught my attention this week. They are all things that made me say “hmmmm”, but I didn’t really think any of them were worth an entire post. So I thought I would share with you a little tidbit about each.

Hope you enjoy.

1. Banana Republic Ad: This, my friends, actually made me do a double take. I was scowering the website for some good deals and as I was quickly clicking through the pages, I hit the back arrow when I got to the men’s section. Is it just me or should the people in charge of the Banana Republic website be reprimanded for this picture selling men’s pants?

Quite honestly, it made me want to go buy a pair.

2. Jessica Alba on the cover of Glamour Magazine: Can you see what is wrong with this cover?

I don’t know about you, but I would be pretty ticked if that were me on the cover with the title “untamed va-jay-jays” placed where it is…I’m just saying.

3. Could this be the start of a Hollywood Catfight?: Sofia Vergara from Modern Family recently said this about Madonna, “LA is crazy. The women all look the same now, that thing with the cheeks. Like Madonna. Who do they think they are fooling? It doesn’t make them look young, it just ends up making them look like a freak.”

I think she hit the nail on the head!

4. Jennifer Aniston vs. Bill O’Reilly: Bill O’Reilly, or Toolbag, as I will call him, recently slammed Jennifer Aniston in the media when he berated her for her decision to have a baby without a husband by saying “she is throwing a message out to twelve and thirteen year olds that ‘hey, you don’t need a guy, you don’t need a dad’ That is destructive to our society.”

Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about the situation, but I will give Jennifer Aniston props for her comeback to the Toolbag’s statement. She said, “Of course the ideal scenario for parenting is obviously two parents of a mature age. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on earth, and of course, many women dream of finding Prince Charming (with fatherly instincts), but for those who’ve not yet found their Bill O’Reilly, I’m just glad science has provided a few other options.”

Bravo Jennifer! Bravo!

5. Oprah Winfrey: All I am going to say is this, is it necessary that Oprah earn $315 million per year? Doesn’t that seem excessive? What’s wrong with say $100 million a year and then use the other $215 million for those in our country that don’t have water and food to put on their tables, or places to live? And Oprah isn’t the only one I have issues with…she just happens to be one of my least favorites. Charlie Sheen…doesn’t he earn something like $1.2 million per episode of Two and a Half Men? Again Hollywood…doesn’t that seem excessive?

6. Dina Lohan: Dear Dina, Until you stop blaming others for Lindsey’s mistakes, she will not get better. It’s not the media, it’s not her dad, and it’s not the judge on her case. Unless you step up to the plate, stop protecting her and show her some tough love, she will just continue to revert back to drugs, alcohol and bad decisions. You’ve been warned.

7. Ellen Degeneres: All I can say is, THIS WOMAN CAN DANCE! Check out this video of her guest appearance on So You Think You Can Dance.

8. Mel Gibson: Seriously people, can we please stop bashing the poor guy and get him some help. We have no idea what goes on in his life on a daily basis. I don’t agree with any of his antics, but bashing him in the media is definitely not helping him heal!

9. Miley Cyrus: Apparently she wants to auction off her clothes for charity…

...ummm, I think I will pass

And last but not least...

10. Project Husband: This blog has become a new addiction of mine. This girl is planning her wedding for February 2011 and she doesn’t have a groom yet. And when I say plan…she has reserved the venue and is purchasing the gown. I can’t decide if she has balls or if she is just desperate? Either way, it’s an interesting approach.

Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Every time I see your emails a voice inside me says "TOOL"

In all my years of dating, whether it be online, casual acquaintences, blind dates or random guys, I have met some doozies. Some of my favorites have been the foot fetish guy, the bad 4th of July date, and the mommy belly guy. They all seemed nice enough in the beginning, but quickly showed their trashtastic selves. In the early years, their antics used to get to me. But I’ve grown, and can now officially laugh at each and every date that has gone bad.

However, the other day I was cleaning out my email box and came across an email conversation I had had with a guy on a dating website a few years ago. As I look back at it now, I can’t help but laugh hysterically at how much of an assbag this guy was.

When I signed up for this particular dating website, I decided that I was going to respond to the first message I got from any one person, because it’s the right thing to do. To me, there is nothing more annoying than someone not responding to messages. I realized very quickly that I was turning down conversations with a lot of men. But I wasn’t on this site to meet pen pals and text buddies. I was on here looking for someone to be a significant part of my life.

Thought you might like to read my email conversation with Mr. Tool, as I like to call him.

Mr. Tool: Not a request to date…Just saying that you are pretty…

Me: Thank you. Compliment accepted.

Mr. Tool: Anytime

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (2 days later) Don’t all women need someone to give them there props even if it’s from a stranger? I can always give more?

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (2 more days later) You also have a pretty smile and pretty eyes.

Me: Thank you for all of the compliments, they don’t go unnoticed. However, it is my personal philosophy not to date those that list themselves as “separated” on their profiles.

Mr. Tool: I didn’t ask to date you.

Me: I know you didn't ask to date me, but if we were all being honest with ourselves, the reason we sign up for dating sites like this is to find our soul mate or the one we want to spend the rest of our lives with. So the end result would be dating. Whether or not you are asking me out on a date is not the point. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m on here searching for someone to spend quality time with and I am not going to do that with someone who is separated.

Mr. Tool: So what would you say if I told you my divorce would be final in a week?

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (1 week later) I know we got off on the wrong foot, but thought you might like to know my divorce is final and we can officially go out on a date and grab a drink.

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (2 days later) How about that drink?

Me: Thank you for the offer but I am not interested in meeting you for a drink.

Mr. Tool: ok, then how about a cup of coffee.

Me: Mr. Tool, again, I am not interested in a drink, coffee, date, non-date, whatever it is you may be asking of me. Please stop emailing me.

Mr. Tool: So I guess a movie would be out of the question?

I didn’t respond to his last request and thank God I never heard from him again.

Oh how I love being single.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Because back to school is all about me

Well here we are…back to school again. I cannot believe it is already time for my kids to go back to school.

Does it make me a bad mom if I tell you that I am one of those moms that enjoys the fact that my kids are going back to school? You see, I’m a routine kind of girl and summer messes with my routine, and by routine, I mean sleep. I’m not gonna lie…my kids are night owls in the summer, and I’m a single mom who has to be at work every day and desperately needs her sleep. If I don’t get a good seven or eight I’m not pretty the next day.

Just ask Hamilton and Gibson.

Gibson was so excited to go to 1st grade today. He couldn’t wait to get on the bus

Hamilton, on the other hand, could think of a thousand other things he would rather be doing, including getting his teeth pulled at the dentist.

I, however, ran to the car even before the bus took off, full of excitement and anticipation for a good nights sleep tonight.

Ahhh…180 days of routine ahead, I am so excited!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Kickin it cold dorm style with the Bachelor Pad

Can I first say that this show is so trashtastic that I’m struggling to get my head around it. I don’t know if you watched it or not, but I felt so dirty by the time it was over that I wanted nothing more than to take a shower.

Kudos ABC! Kudos! This is going to be a fabulous show!

Cast of Characters:

Season: Jake, On the Wings of Love season
Nickname: Ms. Enchanted

Jesse B
Season: Ali, Needs to run a Brush through her hair season
Nickname: Humana, humana, humana

Season: Jason, Don’t make me pull a Mesnick season
Nickname: Princess

Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: My new crush (I love a good bad boy)

Season: Aaron, I didn’t watch this season
Nickname: Momma

Season: Jake, On the Wings of Love season
Nickname: Ms. Nark (because she is the one that ratted Justin out)

Season: Ali, Needs to run a brush through her hair season
Nickname: The Weatherman ( of course, I may be referring to him as the local funny boy…he had some great one liners that I will share with you later)

Season: Jason, Don’t make me pull a Mesnick season
Nickname: Ms. Don’t sleep with him on the first date, it will just bite you in the butt

Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Hasn’t figured out he is gay yet

Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Toolbag

Season: Charlie, I’m not really drunk, I just normally act this way season
Nickname: The girl no one remembers

Season: Jake, On the Wings of Love season
Nickname: Resident Psycho

Jesse K.
Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Wus

Season: Jillian, Hot tub make out season
Nickname: Mr. Abs

Season: Jake, On the wings of Love
Nickname: The Stewardess (remember she dressed up as a stewardess for Jake, our resident cargo pilot)

Season: Andy’s season (I have no idea who he is, I guess I missed that season)
Nickname: The other girl that no one remembers

Season: Jake, On the wings of love season
Nickname: I’m not giving her one because she won’t make it past the first episode

Season: Jake, On the wings of love season
Nickname: Ms. Why is she here, she has a boyfriend

Season: Ali, Needs to run a brush through her hair season
Nickname: Mr. Don Johnson

Rules of the Game

Our Host, Chris Harrison reminds us again that there are nineteen contestants, or money hungry sex-aholics, as I like to call them, each with a chance to find love and win $250,000. Juan summed it up best when he said, “if I had the chance to walk away with $250,000 or the love of my life, I’d go for the money.” Shocking, I know, but he only said out loud what all 19 toolbags were thinking!

Best Quotes of the Night

“Michelle has the hottest body in the house, but if you hook up with her you have to be careful she doesn’t cut your thing off.” -Wes, Mr. Toolbag, referring to her psycho behavior during Jake’s season

“So how are the abs?”
-Our Host Chris Harrison, welcoming Kypton into the Bachelor Pad

“If Craig’s hair shows up without Craig, that would be great”
-Jonathan, The Weatherman, speaking about his nemesis Craig, aka, Mr. Don Johnson

“When Craig won the Twister competition, I knew there was pretty much no God.” -Jonathan, The Weatherman, speaking about his nemesis Craig, aka, Mr. Don Jonnson

“There just weren’t enough roses for Michelle’s personalities, besides, it’s hard to put a rose on a straight jacket.” -Jonathan, The Weatherman, speaking about Michelle, I’m not going to give her a nickname because she won’t make it past the first episode’s, departure from the show

And last but not least, to wrap up this fantastic recap of last nights events, I give you a list of things that I hope ABC has purchased in bulk at Costco for this season.

1. Band aids, for all of the back stabbing that will be going on.

2. Chlorine, to kill all of the germs/sperm in the bathrooms, hot tub and pool

3. Alcohol, there will need to be plenty in order to put up with Tenley who still craps rainbows and butterflies

4. Sunscreen, for all of the cleavage and nakedness

5. Waterproof mascara, for all of the waterworks. If last nights episode is any indication of the tears this season, we are in for a real treat.

Cool Kids remaining:
Jesse B.
Jesse K.

Not So Cool Kids asked to leave:

Until next week!

Monday, August 9, 2010

A B C's and 1 2 3's

I can’t believe it is already time to go back to school!

I can’t believe summer is almost over.

Wait…hold on a minute! Summer is not almost over.

We still have 44 days of summer left, yet we still go back to school on Wednesday. It just doesn’t make any sense.

What ever happened to the good old days of summer? Where did the long, carefree months of summer break go and why did they go so quickly? When I was a kid we celebrated summer from Memorial Day to Labor Day. And by celebrate, I mean we slept in and played outside day in and day out. Summer seemed to last forever with no worries, not a care in the world.

With that said, I am one of those moms that is looking forward to the beginning of school…well except for one small issue. And that issue is school supplies!

I don’t know about you but I absolutely detest shopping for school supplies. And I detest it so because of the specificity of it.

I mean seriously, is there really a difference between Prang watercolors and Crayola watercolors? And if Prang watercolors are the best then why is it that I can’t find them at any of the local school supply watering holes? And my local school supply watering holes I mean Target and Walmart. I refuse to go all over God’s country to find the exact type of paint for my 1st and 4th graders.

Oh…and why is it necessary to have 8 dry erase markers per child? That means in a classroom of 25 kids there will be 200 dry erase markers in the classroom, that is a little more than one dry erase marker per classroom per day. Hmmm… seems a bit excessive.

And pencils? Why am I spending my time sharpening 72 pencils? Correct me if I am wrong, but don’t schools have pencil sharpeners? And why is it necessary that each child have 36 pencils?

Now that the bitching about school supply shopping is done…I want to send out a big huge hug to those teachers that have such a huge influence on my kids every year. I was raised in a family whose mom was a very caring teacher who took her job seriously. And I feel so very lucky to have my kids surrounded by the same kind of quality teachers.

Welcome back kids!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down.

Today's topic du jour is a doozey! So put on your seat belts and hang on for the ride. I'm gonna put it out there like no other! Oh yeah, no sugar coating this puppy! Today I am going to share with you the Top Ten suspicions that your non-boyfriend, boyfriend is involved in an inappropriate relationship with a married woman.

Oh yeah people...it not only happens in Hollywood ala LeAnn Rhimes...it happens in our neighborhoods, right under our noses every day.

You're welcome!

10. On your second date he casually brings up the "married woman's" name in a conversation that ends up consuming your entire meal.
READ: He is fishing to see if you know her or not because he has figured out that your kids and her kids attend the same school.

9. When you bring her name up in a conversation and tell him that his "friendship" with the "married woman" concerns you (mostly because her husband has absolutely no clue that they are friends) his response is, "I don't know what the future holds."
READ: He is keeping his options open.

8. He responds to her text messages while the two of you are out on dates.
READ: He is lying to her and letting her know immediately that he is doing something other than having dinner with you. And he is lying to you telling you that it is actually his son who is texting him.

7. When you ask him exactly what his relationship is with said "married woman" he says, "we talk on the phone every once in a while and grab coffee when we can." And then when you ask him what he tells said "married woman" about your relationship with him, he says "we talk on the phone once in a while and grab coffee when we can."
READ: He is such an idiot if he thinks I am falling for this crap!

6. When he creates the pattern in your relationship of smothering the crap out of you with constant phone calls, text messages and dates and then you don't hear from him for days at a time because he is "so busy"
READ: He works the "married woman" into his schedule when she is available and only uses you, your time, and your kids when he is bored and lonely.

5. He can't plan ahead more than an hour or two and blames it on his work schedule and busy schedule with his son.
READ: He needs to be available to the "married woman" and her last minute schedule openings.

4. He avoids you like the plague when you tell him that you have something you need to talk to him about, but it's to personal to discuss in public.
READ: He knows I am catching onto his bullshit

3. When you ask him, on more than one occasion, why he took an unexpected, last minute trip to Chicago (where the married woman works a few days a month) after being gone for two long weeks on a business trip, and he quickly changes the subject each and every time.
READ: He is totally freaking out that I am to smart for his lies and have actually figured out his bullshit.

2. When he invites you to dinner on a Saturday night and tells you that his divorce is finally official and thanks you profusely for "coaching" him the last several months.
READ: He is finally free to pursue the married woman and only used you to fill the lonely gaps in his life the past several months.

And the number one suspicion that your non-boyfriend, boyfriend is involved in an inappropriate relationship with a married woman...

1. When you call him out on his shit and you never hear from him again.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


How come this creepy guy...

...can manage to have two wives, while I can't even manage to find one good emotionally available boyfriend?

Yep...according to the today show, this guy is married to two seperate women. He of course denies it and says his original wife (not pictured)is crazy and he refuses to bad mouth her on television. I'm not saying she is completely innocent...but he just looks creepy enough to pull something like this off.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Gone in the blink of an eye

Come September I will have been single for 5 years. I cannot believe it’s already been almost 5 years. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think about how long it’s been. I can remember saying to myself early on “if I can just make it to the 5 year mark, I know I will be ok.”

Most days I feel back to normal and ok on an emotional level. Most days I am happy with the decision my ex made to walk out on us. Most days I feel good and am very happy with how my life has turned out.

Most days…

Yesterday, however, was not a day that I would put in the “most days” category. In fact, it was a day that I was both looking forward to and dreading all at the same time.

You see, I got a call from my ex mother-in-law (whom I adore) last week inviting me and my boys over for a family dinner. I/we were invited because her sister and brother-in-law (whom I also adore) were in town for a few days for a visit. I happily accepted the invitation and was looking forward to it.

I absolutely love my ex’s family and it is very rare that we see each other anymore. His sisters and mom were such special people in my life while my ex and I were dating/married. In fact, it’s often the loss of the relationship with these three women that I mourn the most in our divorce. Seeing them last night again was easy, comfortable, and fun. Is it wrong that I like to still refer to them as my sisters-in-law and their kids as my nieces and nephews? They are all such good people that I never want to have to disassociate myself from them.

But it’s still hard to see my Ex, especially now with how our relationship has changed over the past couple of years. I’m not gonna get into detail about how it has changed, suffice it to say, it’s just changed.

So when he walks in and treats me like I have the plague, I have to be a little hurt. When he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence, I have to be a little hurt. I saw him looking at me, I caught him glancing my way every once in a while. But heaven forbid he talk to me or carry on a conversation with me.

I admit I had to rush out at the end of the evening to hold back tears. I admit that walking down the driveway at my ex mother-in-laws house was emotional for me. Emotional because it was a reminder of what once was… We were once a family, the Ex, me, Hamilton and Gibson. We were once a happy family. We were once a family that enjoyed each other and loved each other very much…until one day…poof, just like that it was all gone, in the blink of an eye.

I often wonder what I would do if my Ex ever came back on bended knees with flowers and an apology. I have absolutely no idea how I would react. Some days I wish that would happen, but most days I’m scared of what would happen if he did.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

He's a winner in my book

Before we get started with today's funny, whippy, sarcastic comentary, I thought I would let you know that I am guest posting here today. Come on over to Southern MOMentum and check it out...I love these girls!

Now onto the business at hand...

I have to admit, I didn't watch the Bachelorette last night, shocker! My friend kept me posted via text. I couldn't do it. You know how hard it has been for me to watch this season. I just don't think I could have stomached 2 hours of Ali giggling, twirling and pouting...and then another 1 hour of After the Rose...seriously ABC...enough already!. I think it's funny that we live in such an instant gratification society that we cannot wait one week for the After the Rose show. It has to be done immediately after the Final Rose. And by immediately after, I mean...no commercials in between the two. It's crazy.

Anywho...I did watch After the Rose and will have to say I was completely shocked by the outcome. I had decided that Ali wasn't going to choose either of the hot boys but ask to continue to date them both to see where things ended up. She is just that selfish, I could have seen it happening. You see, I am a firm believer that if Frank didn't walk out on her she would have ended up with him. But that's just my two cents. I do have to give a kudos to ABC for editing things in the previews to look like Ali didn't choose anyone. Bravo ABC...bravo!

Now onto the juice...Cape Cod Chris! Hello Ali...this boy is HOT and has so much more substance than Roberto. Don't get me wrong, I like Roberto and am glad that he and Ali ended up together. I believe Chris deserves someone better than Ali. And by someone better, I mean ME!

Here's the deal Chris (because we all know Chris reads my blog)...You are not only HOT, but you are about the sweetest man ever. I am a big believer that how a man treats his mom is a good indication of how a man will treat his wife. On that aspect alone I am sold on you. But if I were being honest with you I would have to say that the first time I fell in love with you was even before the season started. You see, I'm a stalker of sorts and I wanted to do my research on the Bachelors before the season even started. I was on the ABC site checking out all of the promo photos and was immediately drawn to yours. Seriously, anyone who could pull off looking good in an orange T-shirt with the periodic table on it is a winner in my book. It shows that you are not afraid to be a little geeky, and I like a little geeky.

So here is my plan Chris. You go out and date...because I think you are ready! Have fun, enjoy being single for a while. You deserve it! You have had a couple of stressful years personally and you need to enjoy yourself a little. Have your rebound dates, I beg you!

But...and this is a big but...On Saturday, March 12, 2011 you are invited to my 40th Birthday Party. It will be a Bachelorette Party of sorts. You see, I'm encouraging my girlfriends to throw me a party where the only gifts people bring are eligible Bachelors. There will be a rose ceremony at the end and I can promise you if you show up...you WILL be the last man standing...no questions asked! I will not break your heart, I will not take you for granted and we can remember our moms together every time a rainbow appears.

I know...Iknow...you're probably thinking I'm too good to be true and wondering how it is that I am still single. It's a question I get all of the time. I like to attribute it to the losers that tend to be attracted to me. But rest assured, I got my loser radar fixed and only allow upstanding, emotionally available men into my life now...and you fit the bill 100%.

No need to RSVP to the party...just show up in the periodic table T-shirt and I'm all yours...I'm just saying.

Monday, August 2, 2010

You can get with this or you can get with that

We’ve all seen it, that is if you watch any kind of television you’ve seen it.

Seen what, you might ask?

This commercial for the Kia Soul.

I love it!

Well, I loved it until I realized this weekend how much it actually resembles my personal life. ..now I don’t like it so much anymore.

In case you haven’t seen it, are too lazy to click on the link above and watch it, or just don’t really give a crap what it is I’m talking about, I’ll describe it to you.

It’s basically a commercial with four really hip hamsters decked out in gold chains, low riding pants, baseball caps that cover their eyes, and bad ass high top tennis shoes. They are rapping a song whose basic gist is either you drive this cool, hip Kia Soul (you can get with this), or you drive something cheesy (or you can get with that).

This commercial basically sums up my dating life in less than one minute. Sad, isn’t it?

You see, as of late, I have had three more guys that I dated, get married or engaged. And, if I were being honest with you, I would say, it stings quite a bit.

Mr. Buckeye, the guy I dated for almost a year recently got married, my Rock Star/Cougar Cub finally dumped his fiancé, but not for me…for another woman, and my Cute Electrician went to Vegas and got married this weekend on a whim.

Honestly, the last one hurts a bit more than a sting!

Mr. Buckeye was really no big loss, I’m glad he is happy and married. I’m equally happy it’s not with me.

My Cougar Cub/Rock Star used to tell me that I was perfect for him but he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids. I stopped communicating with him when I realized he was engaged to another woman while seeing me at the same time. He has now dumped the old fiancé and is engaged to a woman who has two boys younger than mine (or so I’ve heard through the grapevine).

And last but not least, the Cute Electrician…well you all remember him, because you all loved him. My heart wasn’t in it with him from the beginning because he was fresh out of a relationship…I knew better. But when he called me yesterday to let me know that he and his fiancé eloped, I was a little hurt. I was careful not to get my heart involved in that because I knew it would only lead to heartbreak for me…but I can’t control my heart and I will admit I got a little teary eyed when he told me the news.

I don’t know why this pattern in my life shocks me so much, because it has become just that, a pattern. I should expect it, right? I’m never the “this” girl…I always…and I mean always end up being the “that” girl. You know the rundown, beat up toaster or cardboard box kind of girl. I’m never the one that guys fight for…I’m always the one that gets left behind for something/someone better.

Why is that? Don’t say anything like “because these guys are all losers”, because that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Just once I want to be the “this” girl and not the “that” girl…

Here we go “yo”…here we go!

Do Da Dippity!

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