Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

Year after year I make these humongous resolutions that I know I can’t/won’t keep. And most years, I am disappointed in myself at year end for not keeping these huge goals. So this year I vow to try something different! Honestly, I don’t need any reason to see how I am NOT accomplishing something or NOT achieving some outrageous goal. So this year I resolve to reflect on what I will NOT do instead of what I will do. So hold onto your hats…here is my list of NOT’s for 2010…

In 2010 I WILL NOT

1. Settle

2. Stand there and do nothing the next time I run into Hot Young Buck

3. Feel guilty for spending my Christmas bonus on me

4. Ignore the check engine light on my car

5. Let my clean laundry stay folded on the couch in my bedroom for weeks at a time

6. Be flustered in the mornings trying to get things organized before I go to work

7. Hang out with Toxic friends anymore…out with the old, in with the new

8. Be the girl that is always ok with everything…if something pisses me off, I will make it known

9. Be so lazy in the new year

10. I will not listen to my friends tell me how the guys they are dating are not long term material, but good material for now…I won’t, I’m just not good with that kind of behavior…move on…let these great guys go and find women that actually want to spend time with them

11. Beat myself up if I miss a workout…but I will do my best to stay on track…3 days a week…come on baby, you can do it!

12. Purchase one more white tank top…I think I have at least twenty of them

13. Go to bed without washing, toning and moisturizing my face every night

14. Feel guilty about getting a manicure and/or pedicure whenever I feel like it, even if I am strapped for money…I deserve something nice every once in a while, right?

15. Take my dad for granted any longer

16. Allow friends into my life unless they are friends that I really want to be friends with…no more hanging out with people just because they are fun or like to party.

17. Dwell on the past

18. Be anyone else but who I am

19. Search for Mr. Right…after all, if he is Mr. Right, he will find me

20. Become addicted to the Biggest Loser…new season starts January 5th! Woot! Woot!

21. Let my past dictate my future

22. Stand back and listen to people talk about others

23. Make out with inappropriate boys…ok, I will be honest…this one may be tough, but I promise I will try.

24. Sit back and do nothing about my dream of writing my first book

25. Feel guilty if one of my resolutions slides through the cracks

What had happened was...

As 2009 comes quickly to a close (Thank GOD!) I have become very reflective. It was definitely a hum dinger of a year with many lessons learned…some good, some bad…all worth it! Would I change anything? No…because everything happens for a reason, right?

Sometimes I feel like I have lived many more years than the actual 38. During my life these lessons have compounded to create the person I am today. Some lessons were learned after mistakes I have made, others were learned during the pockets of grief I experienced but many were learned from those much older and wiser than I. I may not always change from these mistakes that I make, but they are definitely stuck in the heart of my soul where they make up who I truly am.

So here is my list of lessons learned in 2009 (in no particular order)…

Spending money foolishly is the ultimate downfall of many.

Do not ever spout off feel good clichés to people who are grieving.

There is no such thing as harmless flirting when one of the parties has actual feelings for the other party.

Your integrity and moral character are two things you should NEVER compromise.

We may not understand God’s reasoning for letting things happen until years later.

Learn to discern a person’s true intentions.

If you wait for things to “be perfect” before moving onto the next stage in your life, you will end up waiting your entire life and end up with nothing.

We all live in our own universe…no one else has ever walked in your shoes.

If you must judge, do it mentally…keep your mouth shut and send your questions of right or wrong to God instead.

Don’t judge others based on your own view of the world.

Your parents won’t always be around, enjoy what time you may have with them.

Fake snakes in the laundry basket probably scare just as easily as the real kind.

1Take responsibility for your own actions and the outcomes, whether good or bad- it will garner you a lot more respect in life.

Many bad situations are the result of your own stupidity. Others happen through no fault of your own. Learn how to tell the difference.

There is always someone out there who has it worse than you.

A book, whether it be good or bad, can help you formulate opinions you always knew you had, but never had the words for.

When you have kids, you become the laundry fairy.

Don’t complain, it gets you nowhere.

Never leave the presence of a loved one without saying “I love you”- it could be your last moment together.

Laugh hard, loud and often.

A 5, 6, or 7 year car loan does not make the car “more affordable”.

“I’m sorry” when said sincerely, can erase a multitude of angry emotions.

Forgiveness is what makes the world go round.

Five years from now your life will be totally different than it is at this moment.

People change when they themselves are ready to change and not a moment before.

Life does not take American Express. Life takes will power, stamina, and self control.

A child’s love is the most innocent, purest and truest kind of love you will ever experience.

Reading written words is the closest you will ever come to truly knowing someone’s deepest inner thoughts.

DO NOT be manipulative.

Saving a little money at a time really does add up.

People will like you more if you are yourself at all times.

A genuine smile directed towards someone produces a hundred times more happiness than mere words alone.

After high school, the clique-induced pressure to be popular vanishes for most people.

Life goes way to fast.

Most friendships you thought would “last forever” usually don’t.

I wouldn't be more surprised if I woke up one morning with my head sewn to the carpet

2009 Year in Review

It’s meme time! It’s meme time! Yeah! You all know how much I love to talk about myself ( this does not make me proud) and this little review allows me the opportunity to do just that. Yippee Skippy! This year I have decided to jump on the bandwagon and fill out my 2009 Year in Review. So here goes…

1.What did you do in 2009 that you have never done before? Completed my first mini marathon, started Boot Camp, had a major make out date with a beautiful boy from High School, went out on my first (and hopefully last) date as a “cougar”, and celebrated the New Year in style, at a black tie affair, with my girlfriends.

2.Did you keep your New Year’s Resolutions and will you make more in 2010? Just like in year’s past, I was not even close to keeping a majority of my New Year Resolutions. In fact, the only resolution I was able to keep was running my first mini marathon. While I am very proud of that particular accomplishment, the disappointment I am feeling at the laziness in completing the other 12 resolutions far outweighs the excitement of that one particular accomplishment. But, does this laziness stop me from making new resolutions for 2010? Hell no! I’m currently working on my list and frantically wondering how I am going to keep them this year.

3.Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope

4.Did anyone close to you die? Unfortunately, yes. My ex-husbands brother passed away two days before Christmas this year. It’s still very fresh and hurts very much.

5.What countries did you visit? I traveled quite extensively this year…oh who am I kidding? I went no where…who can afford to travel in this economy?

6.What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A tummy tuck and a super awesome boyfriend.

7.What dates from 2009 will remain etched in your mind and why? 1.) Sunday, October 11… but no one and I mean no one (ok…maybe one other person knows this date) will ever know why this date was so important to me. 2.) Sunday, August 16th or better known as “the date from hell” because not all girls like foot massages…this needs no more explanation.

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year? I think probably starting this blog, which I not only consider cheap therapy, but it has also been a fantastic means of helping me organize my thoughts and ideas for my first book….baby steps, right?

9.What was your biggest failure of the year? Not completing 90% of my New Year Resolutions

10.Did you suffer any injury or illness? I suffered a broken toe, a case of the Februaries, sever insomnia, a couple of colds, and several Sunday morning hangovers.

11.What was the best thing you bought? A plane ticket to Arizona, a new camera and a new car.

12.Whose behavior merited celebration? Hmm…how about Captain Sullenberger, the pilot who landed the plane in the Hudson and of course being a Hoosier puts Peyton Manning at the top of the list.

13.Whose behavior appalled and depressed you? As always Ann Coulter is at the top of this list and as of late so does Sara Palin.

14.Where did most of your money go? It would be so cool if I could say something like, “it all went to build fresh water wells in Africa.” But I can’t say that…ALL of my money was used to put a roof over our heads and food on our table.

15.What did you get really really really excited about? I have two words for you…Indianapolis Colts!

16.What song will remind you of 2009? Michael Buble’s, Haven’t Met You Yet

17.Compared to this time last year are you: happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer? Sadder, fatter, and poorer…wow! When I write it down it actually seems a lot more depressing than it really is.

18.What do you wish you had done more of? All of the things that I have yet to accomplish on my Forty by Forty list

19.What do you wish you had done less of? Party! Hence the reason for my 2010 motto: 2010, where the new going out is staying in!

20.How did you spend Christmas? This was by far the loneliest Christmas ever! I spent it alone! My kids were with their dad from Wednesday to Sunday…he had a lot going on in his life and I felt it was more important for the boys to spend as much time with him through the holidays than it was for them to spend with me.

21.Did you fall in love in 2009? Does Ryan Reynolds count?

22.What was your favorite television show of the year? Anything reality based that involves snobby, rich, housewives, the Daily Show and of course, Glee!

23.Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate at this time last year? Hate is a very strong word…so I would say that I definitely don’t “hate” anyone, but I am a few friends shorter now than I was this time last year. I have spent several weeks purging those that were toxic to me…and let me tell you…it feels good!

24.What was the last book you read? I don’t read a lot of books because I have the attention span of a five year old. Seriously though, any free time I have I usually spend it writing. But I did manage to finish a couple of books this year. The last one being, Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell…IT SUCKED! I would not recommend it to anyone…more on this in a future blog post. video

25.What was your greatest musical discovery? This, of course.This is a brief video of my youngest playing the “guitar shirt” he got for Christmas. It cracks me up every time I see it.

26. What did you want and get this year? A camera, I love my Nikon Coolpix 90! Now if I could just figure out how to use it.

27. What did you want and not get? Ryan Reynolds, a boyfriend, and a tummy tuck

28. What was your favorite film of the year? I loved the Hangover! I wouldn’t necessarily consider it a “film” because, to me, films are portrayals of something a little deeper than four guys at a Bachelor Party in Vegas…so let’s ask the question again only tweak it a little? What was your favorite movie of 2009? Ah, much better! My favorite movie of 2009 was definitely the Hangover!

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? 38 and I don’t remember what I did. I’m sure I…oh, wait, I do remember…I went to hear some live music with my friends. That was the night that I got a racy text, unexpectedly, from someone who will forever remain nameless…oh…the memory is a great one!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? George Clooney on a weekly television show.

31. How would you explain your personal fashion concept in 2009? My new favorite, MEK jeans…So I guess you could say my personal fashion concept was no more cheap jeans…if they weren’t more than $150 I didn’t buy them…I’m not proud, but my ass sure does look good!

32. What kept you sane? My kids, John Stewart and my constant fantasizing about Ryan Reynolds.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Again, Ryan Reynolds…You getting tired of hearing his name yet? I’m not…sorry suckers!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? It’s hard to pick just one, but I can think of two off the top of my head, first…Obama, in general! He scares the crap out of me…and second, health care reform, don’t get me started!

35. Who did you miss? My mom, my ex, my friend Julie

36. Who was the best new person you met? Ryan Reynolds of course! I mean, I didn’t really “meet” him but I did spend countless hours stalking him on the Internet…this counts, right? I know it’s creepy, but I think it counts!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009? Friendships that you think will last forever usually don’t.

Don't worry, everything will work out...ish

I will admit it, I am a worry wart! I didn’t used to be, but I seem to have become one as of late. I think the root of this behavior is because I am solely responsible for the lively hood of my kids. I mean, I don’t have anyone to fall back on financially if things go bad. I now think I understand the stress my ex-husband must have felt being the sole financial support for our family when we were married and I was a stay at home mom. I get it now! But this isn’t the only thing I worry about anymore.

I have lost countless hours wondering: if certain relationships were going to work out, if I’m going to be employed next week, if my kids will still love me even when I say no, if I am lovable, if my “mommy belly” will go away without surgery, if the Colts are going to go to the Super Bowl this year, where Heidi is going to live when Spencer divorces her, where my keys are, if I will ever consistently go to Boot Camp again, if I will ever be happy again, if I will ever realize that some people will disappoint me for being exactly the person I thought they were, if I will ever be able to live without my cell phone, if my future will be better than my past, if I will ever love again, if I will ever be loved again, if the right person will wake up and smell the coffee and realize that I am the one, if my boys will grow up to be good human beings, if my life will ever get better, if there will come a day when I don’t feel lonely, if my dad will ever find someone else to love, if my dad even cares to find someone else to love, if my kids will be successful, if God really does have a plan for me, if my life so far has been a part of that plan, if 2010 will be better than 2009, if Gibson will ever wind down and not be so energetic, if Hamilton will be more outgoing, how to possibly get my kids to try new foods, if it is better for my kids to be followers or leaders in their circle of friends, if they will ever have a Bachelor/Bachelorette show for average size men and women, if I will grow the ½ inch necessary to fit into the healthy weight range for my height/age, if I will ever be able to lose the weight I want, if I will ever be happy with how I look, if I am strong enough to remain calm in this fling that I am currently a part of, if Hamilton and Gibson will be able to one day fulfill their fantasies of being a great guitarist and basketball player, respectively, if the hokey pokey really is what it is all about, if my house will ever stay clean for longer than 10 minutes, if I will ever regain my lust for life.

...and on and on and on…I could literally go on for days with a list of things I constantly worry about…I know I’m crazy…but it’s what makes me…well, ME!

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to this weeks edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down!

Top Ten Things Men Know About Women...

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

And the number one thing men know about women...

1.

Nothing says love like a macaroni necklace and half eaten snowman soup

Now that I have kids, Christmas celebrations are so much more meaningful. Hamilton and Gibson bring so much innocence, joy and laughter into the holidays. Whether it be shopping for the perfect gifts, making Christmas cookies, visiting Santa at the mall, or playing in the snow, their laughter throughout the season is what wraps the holidays up in a pretty package. But nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the anticipation of Santa coming to our house on Christmas Eve. Well except for this year…

This year, Hamilton and Gibson were so excited about giving me the gifts that they made at school. It was all that they could do to keep them a secret…for a few days anyway. Last night they cracked! They couldn’t stand the anticipation any longer... So, like any good mom, who is not in the Christmas spirit, I cracked and let them give me their gifts from school. And just like in years past, I was not disappointed!

Gibson, my youngest, went first. His gift was wrapped in a piece of construction paper that had his handprint in white and five little snowmen adorned each tiny finger. This masterpiece will definitely go on the “wall of art” that is my office! Inside this masterpiece was the most beautiful piece of jewelry I think I have ever received. Yes, it even beat out my engagement ring, pearl necklace and diamond earrings of Christmas’ past. Gibson’s gift was the standard Macaroni Necklace that I am wearing with pride today. I have gotten a couple of compliments on it already, but no compliments better than the one I received from Gibson while he was putting it on me in front of the mirror this morning. He said, “mom, it’s beautiful…it brings out the blue in your eyes…and my eyes.”

Seriously…how sweet was that?

Next was Hamilton’s gift…and let me tell you, this was priceless! Hamilton was so excited when he handed me this…
Snowman soup. (important to note…the gift was handed to me, exactly as seen in this picture…open) Anyway, here is what the note said… “When it is so cold that you holler and whoop, it’s time to bring out the Snowman Soup!!! Pour the packet in a mug. Add the snowballs too. This is a special snowman from me to you. Now fill it with hot water and add your mint stick to stir. Sip slowly and soon you will feel the warm winter spirit.”

How cute, right?

Wrong! Hamilton and I went downstairs to make the Snowman Soup, but to my surprise there were no snowballs (marshmallows) or mint stick (candy cane) for stirring. So I asked Hamilton about it…

Me: Hey Ham, there are no snowballs or mint stick for stirring in my Snowman Soup…

Hamilton: What? Really?

Me: Yes…isn’t that weird?

Hamilton: No, not really mom…

Me: Why don’t you think that it is weird that I didn’t get snowballs or a mint stick?

Hamilton: Well, you did get them mom, but I was hungry on the bus on Friday and ate them before I got home.

Me: (thinking to myself) well…Merry Elfing Christmas to me! (but I actually said) ohhh…sweety, it’s the thought that counts…this is one of the best Christmas presents I have ever gotten.

And those words were words that came from the heart…that I meant! It is these little gifts that Hamilton and Gibson make with pride that bring a smile to my face. Seriously, as a mom, there is nothing better than the home made gifts that may not make it home in one piece, and the stories behind them. It’s memories like these that I will cherish forever!

Hey Santa, yeah you!

Dear Santa,
Here I am getting ready to celebrate my 37th Christmas and you would think that this thought alone would put a big smile on my face…but it hasn’t. Bah humbug! What it has done is brought back memoires of Christmas’ past.

It is also a subtle reminder to me that I have never seen you working on Christmas Eve. You would think in my 37 years that I would have seen you or caught a glimpse of you just once. But I haven’t. Looking back I can remember seeing my parents putting presents under the tree a couple of times, but never you. I think my parents must have been putting the presents under the tree because they felt bad for me that you didn’t show up. I can only assume that my parents didn’t want me to be disappointed on Christmas morning.

I’m pretty sure I have permanently been taken off of your “Nice” list. And even though I have done my best to be good, you have obviously decided to keep me on the “Naughty” list anyway. My goal this year is to somehow be put back on the “Nice” list. So I have been racking my brain and trying to recall all of the bad things I have done throughout my life that may have given me the boot from “Nice” to “Naughty.” I figure if I come clean I might end up back on the “Nice” list.

So here goes…

I am a gossip. As a rule, I try not to be, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

I sometimes talk bad about people. I really don’t know why I do this, but I can only speculate that I do it to make myself look better to those around me.

In junior high school I helped create a list we called “the dorky girls club”. Of course, I was not on that list, but I was definitely quick to add those that I thought belonged on it. When I got busted and called to the principal’s office, I denied the accusations until I was blue in the face.

I am responsible for the death of not one, but two, beta fish, Ace and Batman. They wouldn’t leave each other alone so I starved them to death.
My car, on the other hand, has been responsible for the death of one deer, one raccoon, and a gazillion bugs…does it count if these weren’t done on purpose?

I have been known to “accidentally” steal things from my friends. For example, when I was in college I went home with my roommate one weekend. It was cold, I didn’t have a jacket so her boyfriend lent me his. I loved it so much that I “accidentally” put it in my suitcase and wore it on weekends that she wasn’t on campus.

I often sneak things into the movie theater while justifying to my kids why it is ok even though there is a sign that clearly reads “no outside food and beverage.”

I used to use my parents gas card for things other than gas and thought I was being so sneaky. But now that I have my own credit cards I know I was naïve to think that they didn’t know this.

I may have been slightly naughty last weekend.

I may have been slightly naughty the weekend before that as well.

Ok, there have been many times that I have been naughty in my life, but don’t expect me to list everyone of them here.

I plan to be naughty this coming weekend too. Is premeditated naughtiness considered to be a double whammy?

Man, if I really think about it, I am a bad girl!

Who has a maxed out credit card.

Who ignores most phone calls out of sheer laziness.

Who sometimes commits to going out with friends only to dump them, without telling them, and pretend like I didn’t remember making plans with them.

Who has called in sick to work just because I couldn’t get my lazy ass out of bed.

Who has a very bad potty mouth at times.

Who often goes way above and beyond what is necessary to get info out of my kids about my ex.

So that’s it Santa…those are all of the things that I can think of that would move me from “Nice” to “Naughty”. Now that we are back on good terms here is my list for this year. It’s a doozey! Hey, I can’t help it if you have missed me for so many years…I think you owe me!

• Pay off my maxed out credit card
• A year of monthly payments for Boot Camp
• A new couch and coffee table
• A tummy tuck

I know it seems like I am asking for a lot! But just in case you need more things here are some additions to the list…but only if you need more…I don’t want to seem greedy.

• Photography lessons
• A new house
• Health insurance
• iPhone
• MAC Computer

And heck, while you are at it, I sure could use a nice, funny, smart, good looking boyfriend. Merry Christmas Santa! I don’t know about you, but I sure am glad we are back on good terms.

Love, Me

PS: As an added incentive, you’re going to LOVE the cookies I leave out for you this year…no more store bought crap…I promise!

(again, I got the idea for this post from someone in the blog world but for the life of me, I can't remember who...if it's you...please let me know and I will give you credit where credit is due…)

No judgment allowed

All I can say is whew…these past couple of weeks have been crazy! Only (1) more day until a twelve day “stay-cation” for me! Woot! Woot!

November-January are considered my “busy months” at work. Why does the term “busy month” make me sound like an accountant? Anyway, I will admit, but only to you guys, that I am totally struggling to keep my head above water. I swore in the beginning when I decided to blog that I wouldn’t use this format as a bitch session and so far, I think I have done a pretty good job of being true to my original plan. However, today is different! I can’t hold it in anymore and have decided to use this blog to get something off of my chest.

My topic today is a doozey. I’m warning you now that this post is LONG. So here is your chance to back out…no hard feelings…I promise! Anyway, today I want to talk to you about my biggest pet peeve in the whole world…ok, maybe even the universe. I know, some of you are probably thinking, “here she goes”, but this, I can assure you, is a topic that I have never written about before. I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Today’s post is about jumping to conclusions about people before you actually get to know them, or in lay mans terms…JUDGMENT!

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents instilled in me the capability of getting to know someone before I made any strong conclusions about who they are, and because of this value, I think I am a fairly good judge of people. I have only had a few people, in the span of my life, that I have been wrong about. But one thing is for sure, I do my research and/or really get to know someone before I pass any kind of judgment on them. And I mean MY research…not things that people have fed me or told me…my honest to goodness own research. I don’t EVER let people put words into my mouth. What ever I spill, you can guarantee is from me…from my heart!

Ok…so why am I bringing this topic up, you might ask? Well, last week I had an incident with a friend of mine who made a snap judgment about another friend of mine that is so untrue. It is so totally off the wall that I have taken complete 100% offense to the comment, and it had nothing to do with me. My purpose for talking about it today is just to get it off my chest! I have been up for nights thinking about this particular text conversation and I know if I write about it and vent about it, it will help me get over it and move on… I promise…this will be the only time you hear about this from me.

It all started earlier in the week last week when my friend (who will further be known as “Friend A”) sent me the following text.

Friend A: Do you have an email addy for “Friend B”? “Friend C” wants to get in touch with “Friend B”.

And before I could respond to her I got another text from “Friend A” that said this.

Friend A: I was at an event with “Friend B” and “Friend C”, and “Friend B” was weirding me out, like over the top weirding me out.

I was a little confused and thought I may need some clarification on who exactly “Friend A” was talking about and what “weirding me out” actually meant. I wanted to make sure I was clear in my understanding of what she was trying to relay to me. So here is how our text conversation went down.

Me: Who was wierding you out? “Friend B”?

Friend A: dude, “Friend B” creeps me out and my gut was screaming BIG TIME ADDICT.

At this time I was no longer confused I was PISSED! After all, “Friend A” barely knows “Friend B”. So how can she claim him to be an addict, of any kind? I didn’t know how to respond. But what I decided is that I didn’t want to get into a heated debate because clearly I was pissed that she was jumping to conclusions about a friend of mine, whom she barely knows. I needed time to step back, and organize my thoughts so that we could have an adult conversation about these harsh statements. So here is how the rest of our text conversation went.

Me: “Friend B” has an email address, but no longer has internet connection so I don’t know if he would get the message or not. (this is me…being calm…breathing deeply, answering “Friend A’s” original question and not saying what I really wanted to say)

Friend A: SA. (translation: sex addict). KNEW it. That dude creeps me out…love that my gut is right on target! Phone# then?

Me: I take complete offense to this statement! “Friend B” IS NOT A SEX ADDICT! (here I go…I couldn’t remain calm…no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t do it!)

Friend A: clearly his not having internet is proof!!! Jules, I know this because of years of counseling on this subject. SA IS VERY COMMON. Sorry to have offended you.

Me: Obviously you don’t know “Friend B”! He stopped his cable/internet because the cost went up and the expense was not justifiable to how much he used it.

Friend A: free gmail account through the library . Don’t take it to personally Julie. You need to do research on SA.

Ok…let me stop this conversation right here. So if I understand “Friend A” correctly… because “Friend B” has a free gmail account and has to go to the library to check his email…these are two of the three things (the third being his weirdness) that qualify him as a sex addict? Well, hold on…I guess I would be considered a sex addict as well! I don’t have internet service at home, I have a free gmail account (who pays for email anymore) and I sometimes go to the library on the weekends to respond to lengthy emails that I can’t respond to on my phone. Clearly, I am a sex addict (hear the sarcasm?). Oh and what about “Friend A”? She has a free gmail account and if it weren’t for her work computer she would be at the library on the weekends checking her free gmail account. I wonder if she has made the connection that she is a sex addict too (more sarcasm)? Surely she has…from all that research she has done.

Back to the conversation…

Me: I am completely 100% offended by your comment about “Friend B”…just because he doesn’t use his email account anymore doesn’t make him a sex addict. U should do more research before labeling someone!

Friend A: I have many books on this topic I’d loan you if u’d be open to reading them.

What? Hell no! I’m not going to read them. I know I am not an expert on sexual addiction, just as much as I know my friend is not a sex addict! I’m not going to research this topic, period! But here is what I will do…I will defend those innocent people that are being judged for being a little weird. Is “Friend B” quirky? Sure he is…aren’t we all? But “Friend B” has a heart of gold! He is a wonderful man that will make some woman very happy one day. Unfortunately, it is comments like the one that “Friend A” made that label people for life…and when it comes to my friends I will fight to the death to protect them from things like this. As a matter of fact, if someone made comments like these about “Friend A” I would defend her to the death as well.

How dare you tell me not to take this personally! You made it personal! All I ask is that you get to know someone for more that a few minutes at a couple of events before you make assumptions like this that could ruin someone for life. Have dinner with him, meet him for coffee…understand his life and where he is coming from before you label him, falsely!

That’s it…I’m done…it’s out in the open and off my chest! I will no longer discuss this topic on my blog!

Thanks peeps for letting me vent! I promise…starting tomorrow…it’s back to normal for me. And by normal I mean, me, complaining that I can’t find Mr. Prince Charming, or me, stalking Ryan Reynolds, or me, trying to clarify the difference between friends, boyfriends, and lovers with no attachment…you know less heavy, less meaningful gibber gabber! Things that make the world go round…

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down.

Thanks to my friends at The Spoof.com I am able to share with you the following reasons why Santa has had to downsize Christmas in 2009. Even Santa is being affected by the world around us…sorry to burst your bubble

Top Ten Reasons Santa is Downsizing This Year

10. Santa lost the rights to the name "Santa Claus” after a messy divorce with Mrs. Claus.

9. Sleigh insurance went up 75% after Santa’s spiked eggnog incident last year.

8. After discontinuing the "checking it twice" procedure (due to budget cuts) the North Pole had to launch an expensive PR campaign because of the Unfortunate Gift Delivery Incident of 2008 to Lindsey Lohan.

7. Gifts will take three times longer to deliver because Rudolph decided he is “just not feeling it this year.”

6. The Elf pension fund was wiped out after a misguided investment with Bernard Madoff.

5. The attempt to sell "good boy and good girl list positions" were revealed in the FBI Rod Blagojevich investigation.

4. The North Pole is no longer able to outsource it’s workload to the Chinese elves after reindeer was discovered as a major part of their diet.

3. The North Pole melting, due to global warming, caused massive flooding in the elves workshops…still waiting for FEMA trailers.

2. Messy scandal: T'was the eve after Thanksgiving and Santa was caught on video by TMZ with only one "Ho."

And last but definitely not least, the number one reason why Santa is downsizing this year…

1.Wal-Mart

Bitrthday memories

Today would have been my mom's 67th birthday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her in some way or another. I so wish she were here with us today. She would have loved being a grandma! This picture of her is my absolute favorite! She is carrying me and holding my twin brothers hand. We are about 1 1/2in this picture. I could only wish that my body looked like that 18 months after having one child.

My mom was a teacher her whole life. She absolutely loved kids and loved her job. She was not only a teacher Monday thru Friday from 9 to 5 but she was also a wonderful teacher on the home front.

I have to admit, it is tough being a mother without having my mom in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have other women in my life that I can, and do, go to for motherly advice, but I can only dream of going to my mom when the going gets tough. And some days that is a tough pill to swallow. As I reflect back on the memories of my mom and the awesome life she not only lived, but help provide for me and my brothers, I can't help but be reminded of the things she taught me early on that have stuck with me today. I thought it would be fun to share some of them with you here. You're Welcome!

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me about religion.
"You better pray that that stain will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into tomorrow!"

My mother taught me about reason.
"Because I said so, that's why!"

My mother taught me about logic.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you are not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me about foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you get in an accident."

My mother taught be about irony.
"Keep crying and I will give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner!"

My mother taught me about contortionism.
"Will you look at that dirt behind your ears?"

My mother taught me about stamina.
"You will sit there until your plate is clean."

My mother taught me about the weather.
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about the circle of life.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world."

My mother taught me about behavior modification.
"Stop acting like your father."

My mother taught me about anticipation.
"Just you wait until we get home!"

My mother taught me about sex.
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about my roots.
"What, do you think you were born in a barn?"

And the one lesson my mom taught me that I never believed would come to fruition...

My mother taught me about justice.
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

it seemed like a good idea the night before

Can it be done? Can we do it? What, you might be asking? Well, since you asked…can we, as single adults, find someone to laugh with, pillow talk with and make love to without an attachment? Were we made that way? Is it possible for two people of the opposite sex to do just that… have sex with no attachment? Hey you asked! I know this topic is a little out there for my blog, but I have many single friends, both guys and girls, and this topic comes up all of the time. So I thought I would engage it and give you my two cents.

In the early stages of my divorce, I was often desperate to find a quick fix for my pain. I would often imagine what a weekend of sex without attachment would look like. I thought, maybe, just maybe, it would be an amazing prescription for my hurting heart. After all, we all, at some point, get to a place where we long for the affection and touch of someone of the opposite sex. The idea of sex without attachment gives us the sense of remembering what it is like to be 100% authentic again, 100% me, wherever we are at that particular moment, no failed games, no future promises, just me and someone with whom I would laugh, talk to and relax with…no expectations!

Well, I’m here to tell you that for most people this kind of relationship cannot be done. Usually one of the parties involved, most of the time it’s the woman because we are usually the emotional ones, gets hurt. Even if the expectations are clearly laid out and the rules are made, someone always gets hurt in the long run. After all, God created us to have relationships with one another. And once the newness of “sex without attachment” wears off, I would assume that the dynamics of the relationship often change. Someone starts to become jealous and questions the “friendship” and there the breakdown begins…feelings get hurt, hearts get broken, friendships get destroyed.

In the long run, is it worth it? No! Is it a good short term fix? No! But the problem is that even though we as human beings know this kind of relationship is not good for us, we do it anyway. Unfortunately, we have become an instant gratification society and this type of relationship feeds right into that.

If only we could look beyond our physical needs, push through the heartbreak and propel our lives forward into the future. We would see that we are better off without these types of harmful relationships. Because let me tell you, I am currently in the future looking back at that exact possibility four years ago when I was contemplating this behavior. I managed, at that time, to push through those instincts…but this time around I couldn’t push through and here I am back at square one again, contemplating sex without attachment yet again. It’s a viscious cycle that I can’t seem to get a break from. And I have just one word to describe this never ending frustration….UUUGGGHHHH!!!!

Come on people, don't make me beg for it

I don’t ever ask for much! Some days, all I ask for is five more minutes to sleep in before heading off to a long day at work. But usually, that’s it. As a grown up, I know that I have to make the most of what I have and know that if I want something, I have to go get it. Long gone are the days when someone was looking out for me or doing nice things for me just because they knew it would make me happy. Over the years, I have realized that only I can make myself happy and I’m just setting others up for failure when I expect someone else to make me happy or do something nice for me. I get it! I know this, but for once, just once, I want the fairy tale. And by fairy tale I mean, I want it all!

I want the knight in shining armor. I want him to come in and sweep me off of my feet, place me side saddle next to him on his horse and ride off with me into the sunset. Is that to much to ask for? I want Mr. Shoe (Glee) to come running down the empty halls of the school just to get a kiss from me before I leave. I want Richard Gere, ala Pretty Woman, to climb up a fire escape holding a dozen roses in his teeth, just to tell me that I am the one he wants. I want Ryan Reynolds to come spend a weekend with me and my family and at the end of that weekend I want him to realize that it is me that he wants to marry. Is this really to much to ask for?

Or how about Hitch? Why can’t I find my Hitch? You know the guy that is dying to go out with me and no matter how difficult it becomes to date me he doesn’t give up, instead he just gets more creative. Why can’t a guy like this like me? Or what about Carrie’s, Mr. Big? Why can’t someone like him happen to me? Ok, not the “I’m dumping you on our wedding day” guy, but the guy who realized after being apart from Carrie that she was the best thing that ever happened to him. That’s the guy I want! Is it to much to ask for one guy that loves me so much so that when we die we die together because we can’t bear the thought of being on this earth for one moment without each other, ala Nicholas Sparks’, The Notebook.

That’s it…that’s all I want…now how do I get it? Any suggestions? I’m tired of being patient!

Christmas way back when

Today, December 14th, marks the official first day of Christmas. And as I reflect on what the first day of Christmas brings, possibly a partridge in a pear tree, I can’t help but be reminded of my childhood Christmas celebrations.

I have such magical memories of these past Christmas celebrations. My parents always did a fabulous job of making this season the most wonderful time of the year, just as the song states. It always started with decorating the Christmas tree on the first Saturday of December. It was always such a magical day that would not be complete with out Elvis’ rendition of White Christmas. My mom and I used to love that song and of course my brothers and dad dreaded hearing it each year. To this day, I still get teary eyed every time I hear that song because it reminds me of my beautiful mom.

But it wasn’t just that one day that I looked forward to…it was the entire month. I loved everything about the month of December, whether it be one on one shopping with my dad to scout out the perfect gift for my mom, or the solid day of baking Christmas cookies, or sledding with my brothers, or the annual Christmas Eve party at my Aunt and Uncle’s house…every day seemed special, all because my parents made it special!

Unfortunately, through the years, especially since my divorce, I have done a very poor job of making Christmas equally as special for my kids. Christmas has since become a very lonely time of year for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have tons of family and friends who always help me get through the holiday but for some reason it still feels so lonely. Maybe it’s because, to me, Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas without a mom and a dad participating equally in making the season so special for the little ones. In fact, there is no maybe about it…I know that it my problem. And since my future doesn’t seem to look any different in the man department, I vow, this year, to get out of my funk, stop living in a dream world, and start making some traditions of my own with my kids. I vow to make the changes necessary to create those fond memories for my kids that I once had…traditions that they will hopefully pass down for generations to come.

So thanks to one of my new favorite blogs, The World According 2 Lisa, I will be stealing some of her ideas and make an annual tradition out of celebrating the Twelve Days of Christmas in style…

On the First Day of Christmas, I will sing along with and out loud to all Christmas music that I hear during the day, whether by myself or at lunch with friends.

On the Second Day of Christmas, I will do a Christmas craft with Hamilton and Gibson…maybe we can cut out paper snowflakes or decorate a gingerbread house…who knows where the evening will take us.

On the Third Day of Christmas, we will make our handmade ornaments for grandma and grandpa. Only this year, I won’t worry about the mess that we make or the amount of time it takes to finish the project.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas, we will go to our local store and hand out candy canes while spreading the joy of Christmas.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas, we, me included, will write our letters to Sand and drive them downtown to Santa’s mailbox.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, we will each make one home made gift for someone less fortunate and donate them to the local homeless shelter.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas, Hamilton, Gibson and I will watch a Christmas movie while stringing together popcorn garlands. Afterward we will all snuggle together and talk about why we are so excited for Christmas.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, we will bake our annual birthday cake for Baby Jesus and sing Happy Birthday to Him over and over again. It may be an earlier celebration than years past, but it’s really the one thing that gets us all excited each year.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas, the boys and I will drive through the city searching for the best Christmas lights while singing loudly to every single Christmas song that comes on the radio.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas, I will color a picture for my dad and write him a note that tells him how special he is to me and how much I love him.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, Hamilton, Gibson and I will make home made cookies with cookie cutters, icing, sprinkles and candies. We will play Christmas music very loud and not worry about making a mess.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, I will get up, with a huge smile on my face, no matter what time my kids wake me up. We will stay in our jammies all day, have cookies for breakfast and leave all of the wrapping paper on the floor until later. We will enjoy each and every moment of Christmas morning.

Wow! I don’t know about you, but I’m already in the Christmas mood and starting to have a little of that same excitement about the holidays that I did as a kid. Only eleven more days left!

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to another edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down!

This past Saturday, my kids and I spent the day putting up the Christmas tree and decorations. As we have done every year in the past we ended the day with a viewing of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I know...I know...my kids are only 8 1/2 and 6 and this movie probably isn't appropriate for kids their age, but they love it and so do I, so, what the hell, right? So in accordance with this annual holiday tradition, today's post is a listing of my top ten favorite movie quotes from this movie. You're welcome!

Top Ten favorite movie quotes from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

10. "Thank you dad for teaching me everything I know about exterior illumination." (Clark Griswold)

9. Rusty: "Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard."
Clark: "It's not going in the back yard Russ, it's going in the living room."

8. Clark: "Burn some dust here...eat my rubber"
Rusty: "Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust."
Clark: "Whatever, Russ, whatever!

7. "I'm gonna park the cars, check the luggage, and well...I'll be outside for the season." (Clark Griswold)

6. Clark: "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
Eddie: "Naw, I'm doin just fine, Clark."

5. (as an entourage of suits, led by Clark's boss pass by him single file) "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass, Happy Hanukkah." (Clark Griswold)

4. Eddie: (talking about his dog Snot) "If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day he dies."
Clark: "I really shouldn't Eddie. My hands are all chapped."

3. Audrey: "Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?"
Ellen: "Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic, Audrey."

2. "You want to hurry this up Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off." (Art, Ellen's father)

And my number one favorite quote from Christmas Vacation is...


"Where do you think you are going? Nobody is leaving. Nobody is walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house." (Clark Griswold)

Now if that just doesn't wreak Christmas spirit...I don't know what would!

Always Sometimes Never

I ALWAYS...

...Struggle to get out of bed in the morning, whether I wake up on my own or by an alarm.

...Get excited when a KISS song comes on the radio or my iPod.

...Love the idea of an adult beverage…it’s 5pm somewhere, right?

...Dread going into the office even though I like my job.

...Say yes to the prospect of a blind date, even though I have never, and I mean NEVER, been on a good one.

...Want to suggle.

...Question the decisions I make in my personal life.

...Have a special someone in my life that I constantly think about. One day it could be my kids, or friends, or a secret lover…but no matter what, I am always thinking about someone else.


I SOMETIMES...

...Wonder what my life would be like now if I had done a few things different.

...Talk to myself at work.

...Miss people too much…especially people whom I know I shouldn’t miss.

...Make decisions because it’s what I want, not because it is what is right.

...Love to much.

...Need to spend an entire day alone in order to regroup.

...Fee; the need to be a rebel even though the consequences of this behavior is often not good.

...Eat ice cream for dinner.


I NEVER

...Wear underwear (well, except when I am in a dressing room trying on clothes)

...Spank my kids

...Used to like cooked spinach until I cooked it myself recently, now I’m addicted.

...Want to forget what it feels like to fall in love.

...Get tired of hearing my kids giggle.

...Get tired of kissing.

...Go to bed angry.

...Have enough hours in the day.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil

Have I ever told you about my unhealthy addiction to reality TV? I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say that my addiction is so bad that I could watch the same episode of Real Housewives of Orange County over and over again and never get bored. I know it’s crazy, but it is what it is.

My new reality favorite is VH1’s Tough Love. This show highlights a multitude of women on a train wreck to relationship hell. This guy, the host, whose name I can’t remember, is apparently some kind of a relationship guru. His goal is to try to get these crazy ass girls on the road to having healthy relationships, a challenge that is to overwhelming to even think about if you have seen any of the women on this show.

One of the challenges the guru gave one of the girls on a recent episode was to make a list of fifty things that she liked about herself. This challenge sent my “challenge radar” into spinning fits. So I decided to take it on myself and see if I could think of fifty things that I liked about myself. Can I just say this was one of the hardest things I have EVER done…and it took me almost a week to compile the list. So here they are, in no particular order!

1. I tend to see the good in everyone.
2. I have a big heart.
3. I love my sarcastic sense of humor.
4. I’m a lover, not a fighter.
5. I try to wake up every morning with a positive attitude and a fresh start.
6. I like my hair, even though I just got six inches cut off.
7. I like that I can solely provide for my family.
8. I like how I feel after I exercise.
9. I like my hands.
10. I like the person that I am becoming.
11. I am a responsible person.
12. I am a good friend.
13. I’m resilient.
14. I’m creative.
15. I have the courage to do things even when they scare me.
16. I am supportive of others and am able to help people feel good about
themselves
17. I’m a good mother.
18. I can express myself well through writing.
19. It is utterly impossible for me to be fake.
20. I am passionate.
21. I am learning to love my body.
22. I am a hard worker.
23. I can admit my faults.
24. I love easily.
25. I am forgiving.
26. I have a good sense of style.
27. I am compassionate.
28. I can agree to disagree…right Kate?
29. I am a positive person.
30. I am not a quitter.
31. I like my wrinkles.
32. I am aware of my faults, which has led me to be kinder to myself.
33. I am sensitive…I cry at the drop of a hat.
34. I love life and the journey I am on.
35. I am understanding.
36. I am a good friend.
37. I can think outside the box.
38. I am a good communicator when it comes to my feelings.
39. I have a great deal of inner strength.
40. I am a good secret keeper
41. I am organized.
42. I am dependable.
43. I laugh with no regrets.
44. I find it physically impossible to hide my obsession of Ryan Reynolds.
45. I can talk to anyone about anything.
46. In general I am laid back and relaxed.
47. I treat everyone with dignity and respect regardless of who they are.
48. I am extremely patient.
49. I am quick to understand viewpoints of others even though I may not agree.
50. I am curious about everything!

Whew…that was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I like this list and hope to read it to myself every morning while standing in front of the mirror. I like that this list will someday reach 500!

Stick a flag on your forehead and do it for your country

In the life of a single girl it is important for us to have a group of friends in our lives that we can count on at any moment. Count on to be our friends, confidants, shoulders to cry on, or just to pick us up and remind us that things will be ok, no matter how bleak they may look at the moment. But more importantly, we need these types of relationships to help us see clearly the things that we may not even recognize, or choose to overlook, in those of the opposite sex, because we are so desperate to find love.

These “red flags” that we rely on our friends to point out, are glaring signals that something is wrong. You know the “uh oh” that sometimes tends to form in the pits of our stomachs, or the uncomfortable feelings that we just can’t shake, yet we choose to ignore in our search for Mr. Right. And when we choose to ignore these red flags, it immediately becomes a search for “Mr. Right Now” and not “Mr. Right”. We can’t help it, the prospect often makes us blind.

During my five years of experience dating as an adult, I’ve come to realize that it is best to acknowledge red flags from the beginning and move on. Instead of dating, hoping he will change, and getting hurt in the long run. Which is what most of us tend to do because of that desperation to find “the one”.

One thing that I have found recently that has helped me become less dependant on my friends in this area is that I have spent some time clearly defining myself and what I cannot compromise on in a relationship and then sticking to it! The way I see it, dating should be like a sport. I am on team “finding Mr. Right” and Mr. Right is on team “finding Ms. Right” and sometimes I need a referee or girlfriend to throw the yellow flag when something is just not right in the middle of the game. But more often than not, it is my responsibility to participate to the fullest and do my best to win the game.

While I am still somewhat dependant on my friends to help me pick through the bunch, I’m slowly becoming more and more confident in myself in finding these red flags on my own. As I look back on the men that I have dated or wanted to date, they have all had huge red flags, most of which, I choose to overlook in hopes of somehow fitting them into my “Mr. Right” mold. As I was thinking about these men the other day, I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the obvious red flags that I chose to ignore from the beginning. Thought you might get a kick out of some of them too.

Text God- we went out on five or six dates and on each date he was constantly texting. He told me that he was being stalked by an ex and he was working on his game plan with his attorney. I believed him. Hello womanizer!

Joey Bag of Donuts- he was constantly in and out of a relationship with his ex wife. I though it was sweet that he was willing to keep an open mind about reconciliation. Turns out he is just the kind of man that always has to have a woman in his life whether she is good for him or not. Hello insecure! (but I love you anyway Joey D!)

The married man- uhhhh, need I say anymore?

Mr. TV- He was an ex professional football player turned local Sportscaster. We had a blast when we went out, but it was always late at night (after his shift at the television station) and always at local meat market type of bar. Hello, in desperate need to constantly have women all over him. I couldn’t compete!

Mr. Buckeye- Although there were many red flags in this 9 month relationship, the one that sticks out the most is when he wouldn’t talk to me for a couple of days after he busted me sitting on his bed in a pair of jeans. He actually told me that it was disrespectful to sit on his bed in jeans…can you say “control freak”?

Mr. Cougar Cub- Our dates were always at sleazy bars on the opposite side of town from where we lived. He obviously never wanted to take the chance that he would run into someone he knew…like maybe his fiancé!

Old Balls- (don’t ask about the nickname, it’s what my friends gave him and I chuckle everytime I think of it, so I’m keepin’ it) We went out on 7 or 8 dates and NOTHING romantic ever happened…I gave up and stopped returning his calls. Since becoming his friend on FaceBook I would say about 90% of his friends are single females. I will call him “commitment phobe”.

Anyway, you get my point! Everyday is a learning experience. All of these things happened for a reason and as long as I learn from each one then none of them was a waste of time! Right?

Everything I learned about third grade math, I learned on the Internet

I hate homework! I really do. The mere thought of it stresses me out. The worst part about homework, especially the homework of my 3rd grader, is that I am realizing that I don’t always have all of the answers…and it’s only 3rd grade homework people! Hamilton had a question about his homework the other night that I could not answer without looking it up on the Internet. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Let me share a little bit of our conversation regarding this question…

Hamilton: Mom, what is a verticy? (I don’t even know if I spelled this stupid word correctly)

Me: (obviously stalling to come up with some clever answer) hmmm…what is the question again Hamilton?

Hamilton: A verticy, what is it?

Me: Honey, I can honestly say that I have no idea what that word means, in fact, I have never even heard of that word. (It’s ok to admit this, right?)

Hamilton: But the other day you said you knew everything.

Me: No, what I said is that I know everything, but I may not know everything on every day.

Hamilton: (giving me a look like he doesn’t believe m) that sounds fishy mom!

Me: (rolling my eyes) whatever!

Yep, it’s true! I have stooped to the level of my 3rd grader because I realized that I can’t pull any crap over on him anymore. But if I were really being honest about homework, or schoolwork for that matter, I believe that school should prepare kids for real life. I’m 38 years old and I have never used or had the need to know what the word verticy means. All I know is that it is some kind of math term and I’m NOT good at math. And 3rd grade math consists of a lot of story problems and I suck at story problems! I think it’s because I have the attention span of a 3year old and often loose interest in the story problems about half way through. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the actual math in a story problem is something that Hamilton will use everyday, but the “story” part of the story problems is what gets me. More often than not, they are not related to real life situations. Because most of the time, in fact, I can’t even think of one time, when I am carrying a basket of apples. And I sure as heck can’t think of a reason that my friends would find it necessary to take any of those apples away from me. You see…the story problems just don’t match up to real life!

So today I decided to create a few problems of my own that might help my kids get through everyday life when they are adults.

Question #1: Hamilton and Gibson are at their dads house two nights a week and at my house five nights a week. If I purchase (2) five packs of white boxer briefs for each boy, how many days can I put off doing a load of white laundry?

Answer: If you said two weeks, you are close, but more than likely wrong. You see there are weeks that my ex asks me to send that kind of stuff to his house because he hasn’t gotten around to doing the laundry that week either…(I hope he is reviewing my story problems)

Question #2: The mortgage payment is due on the fourth of every month and I don’t get paid until the fifteenth of every month. How many phone calls will I get from the bank before I am actually forced to mail my payment?

Answer: None, because I gave the mortgage company a fake phone number when I applied for the loan…SUCKERS!

Question #3: If three of us use three plates at dinner and I use two pots to cook the meal, how long will it take me to clean up the kitchen after we eat dinner?

Answer: Ha! Trick question. I don’t cook, so if we can’t throw it away after dinner then we don’t eat it.

Question #4: My hot water runs out after 45 minutes. If Hamilton gets in the shower at 7:00am and gets out at 7:43am, will I have enough hot water to shave at least enough of my legs to wear a pencil skirt to my Board Meeting?

Answer: No! Unfortunately I have been known to go to work with ½ shaved legs. Good thing it is just me in the office by myself on most days.

Question #5: On Monday it took me 10 minutes to convince Gibson to leave Hamilton alone so that he could finish his homework, Tuesday it took 12 minutes and Wednesday it took 14 minutes. At this rate, at the end of the semester, how late will Hamilton be up trying to finish his homework?

Answer: It won’t matter because on Wednesday I threatened to lock Gibson in his bedroom with no games, toys, TV, or DS if he prevented Hamilton from doing his homework one more time…crisis averted!

There…you see…clearly my children are learning more and benefiting more from these types of story problems. Maybe I will email Hamilton’s teacher this morning. I’m sure she would appreciate these helpful tips!

Top Ten Friday

Welcome to this weeks edition of Top Ten Friday where I break it down.

Because the Tiger Woods Thanksgiving weekend took such a bizarre turn which caused many “rumors” regarding domestic violence, infidelity, and sheer stupidity, I did what any blogger would do and turned to the largest Sportsbook on the web, BetUS.com, to see what the posted odds were on this particular turn of events. And because I couldn’t pick my 10 favorite, I will share all 14 with you along with the odds. You’re Welcome!

Top Ten All Things Tiger

14. Will Tiger lose any of his sponsorships?
Yes: 5/1
No: 1/10

13. Will he win/lose his next major?
Yes: 2/1
No 1/3

12. Which club will Tiger’s wife use to smash his “windshield” with next?
Wood: 3/2
Iron: 1/1
Putter: 2/1

11. Will Tiger file assault charges against his wife?
Yes: 2/1
No: 1/3

10. Will Tiger’s wife join the LPGA?
Yes: 6/1
No: 1/12

9. Over/under on number of clubs it takes Tiger’s wife to smash a “windshield”.
Over 2 1/2: 5/6
Under 2 1/2: 5/6

8. Odds on what Tiger’s facial lacerations are from.
His wife beating the crap out of him: 1/2
Air bag: 2/1
Caddy: 3/2

7. Odds on Tiger getting a DWI by 2012
Yes: 5/1
No: 1/10

6. Who is involved in a lawsuit first?
Tiger: 2/1
Elin: 3/2
Caddy: 6/5

5. Who has an affair first?
Tiger: 5/6
Elin: 5/6

4. What are the odds that Tiger’s wife is having an affair?
Yes: 2/1
No: 1/3

3. Will charges be brought against Tiger?
Yes: 5/6
No: 5/6

2. Will rumors of an affair ring true- will a “new woman” come forward as having been with Tiger?
Yes: 3/1
No: 1/5

1. Will Tiger and Elin divorce in the next 24 months?
Yes: 3/1
No: 1/5

Care to make a wager?

An open letter to Tiger

Dear Mr. Woods,

It seems you have had a very…ahemmm…”rough” week!

Upon first hearing about your “car accident” on Saturday, I thought…”how dare the media speculate about the reasons why you were leaving your house at 2:30am?” Quite frankly, it was none of their business. If you want to recklessly pull out of your driveway at all hours of the night and hit a tree and a fire hydrant on a private drive…it’s your right. If you were pulling out of your driveway like a bat out of hell while being chased by a woman who “went ghetto” on you with your beloved nine iron…it’s your prerogative…who am I to judge.

I know you and I aren’t close, at least not in the way that you are with Jamiee, Rachel, Kalika, and whomever else comes worming their way into the spotlight, but I feel like over the years I have gotten to know you pretty well through the media. And because I feel like I know you so well, I originally wanted to write you to wish you a speedy recovery. After all, I have grown up with you, I like knowing what happens to you because it makes you real…you are not alone…I was here to support you! But you blew it my friend!

At first, I thought it was just a slight domestic squabble with you and your beautiful wife. And when you graciously called your wife a “hero” for pulling your ass out of your car, I thought…”oh, what a sweet husband he must be” while secretly thinking to myself…this seems fishy. And then when you refused to answer any questions from the police, I thought “bravo…it’s no ones business what really happened.” I actually felt kind of sorry for you because the media was speculating so much. But upon waking on Monday morning…the speculation was more than just a domestic squabble. And between you and I, we both know that most of the time when a rumor brakes in the media, more often than not, it ends up being the truth.

So I quietly begged you to come forward and say something…anything to protect that beautiful family of yours. Seriously, if you don’t fess up…the media will have a hay day with you! But again, you choose to do nothing. And then the voice mail. What voice mail you may ask? Did you not think it would get out? Do you remember the one I am talking about…let me remind you…it’s the one where you are calling your “lover” begging her to remove her name from her phone because your wife found it in your phone…Seriously Tiger, what gives? What’s wrong with you removing her number from your phone completely and focusing on healing a relationship that you totally screwed up? Why is it her responsibility to help you cover your ass for your mistake? You are a role model…you get paid billions of dollars…why can’t you keep “it” in your pants and do your job and be a faithful husband?

But my question to you now Tiger is why wait to confess? Haven’t you learned anything from others that have chosen to handle their situations in the same way you have handled yours? Look at John Edwards…he denied…denied…denied…and look where he is…finished! Look at Bill Clinton…because he didn’t know what the meaning of the word “is” was he ended up in impeachment hearings. And what about Chris Brown…his cover up has probably cost him the chance at a very lucrative career…now he has to settle for a mediocre career. And don’t get me started on OJ Simpson…I’m not gonna go there.

Tiger, I am begging you! Please take the bull by the horns and tell the truth. Save your family…save your career…admit what you did was wrong and let us know that you will never do it again. Look at Hugh Grant. Do you remember him? He was caught with, a hooker while dating Elizabeth Hurley. The best thing he did was fess up, and apologize immediately…He lost the girl but look at his career…it’s booming! If you do what is right, people will forgive you…God will redeem you! If you don’t, this will haunt you for a very long time and you will spend many more years cleaning up this mess.

I beg you...be a MAN…admit your wrong doings!

A true fan,
Julie

PS: Please don’t call me asking me to remove my name from my phone…I’m not gonna do it! If Elin calls me I will tell her the truth and recommend that she use a driver and not an iron the next time she wants to beat the crap out of you!

Whose milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Yesterday’s post has really made me think about my long road to recovery. January 7th will be the fifth year anniversary of my ex-husband asking for a divorce…out of the blue. And in the midst of asking for a divorce these words came out of his mouth…verbatim, “I don’t love you, I am not attracted to you, I have never been attracted to you.” Talk about a knife to the heart! Those are statements that I will NEVER ever forget! It didn’t take long for them to send me into a tailspin of low self esteem, and I have struggled to recover from those harsh words ever since. But after five long years of therapy, both professional and with friends, I have realized that I am loveable! I am beautiful! And though I never would have believed it five years ago, I am a better person today because of those statements. They forced me to delve deep within and begin the process of loving myself, because how can I expect to love someone if I don’t love myself first, right? Those statements alone gave me the opportunity to step back, let go and regroup.

In this long recovery process, I have learned many things. First, and foremost, I am reminded that it is ok to focus on me, every once in a while. And it is this focus that has allowed me to grieve the loss of what I thought was the perfect family. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t given myself the proper amount of time to focus on me and grieve properly I would not be as far along in my recovery as I am today.

During this struggle to learn how to love me I was also able to re-acquaint myself with my friends and lean on them for support. Some days it took a lot for me to get out of the house and spend times with them, but I did it anyway. Most of the time I had to force myself to get together with the girls but in the end I was always glad I did. I often found that the quality time with my friends went a long way towards healing my spirit. But mostly, the time with my friends helped me take the focus off of my ex and place more of an emphasis on building and strengthening the friendships of these women I love and who love me.

I also took this time to focus on my health. Most days, in the beginning, I didn’t want to eat but I forced myself to anyway. And then I soon realized that I felt better if I hit the gym and worked out. This, not only got me out of the house, but it also forced me to remember that the best way to get over someone was NOT to get under someone new. I quickly realized that if my head wasn’t in the right place the loneliness would kick in and my focus then became replacing someone that hurt me instead of focusing on becoming healthier both mentally and physically, and finding someone that loved me.

What I struggled with the most was the rebuilding of my confidence and self esteem. I knew that the sooner I focused on rebuilding these the better I would feel. And in order for me to do this, I needed to figure out what really went wrong in my relationship so I focused on learning a lesson from this hurt and pain. I learned that I didn’t NEED someone in my life to make me happy. I learned to live my life without him. And what I figured is that I am living a happier live now than I ever thought I would. I am actually liking who I have become.

It’s funny as I look back…if you would have told me five years ago that I wasn’t happy, that I needed to focus more on me, that I needed to strengthen my friendships, that I needed to be healthier both mentally and physically or that I needed to have more self esteem and self confidence, I would have laughed at you! I thought I had all of that…I WAS WRONG!

But this I do know…because I have focused on healing and rebuilding I know that there is someone out there that will love me in the way I want…I just have to find him. And I will never find him if I am wallowing in self doubt. I’m so glad I picked myself up by my bra straps and realized that there was so much more to live for. And even though no one likes to go through a break up, it is what I needed and has taught me many valuable lessons that I hope will help guide my future relationships.

Wait…what…huh? I think I just had a light bulb moment…Maybe it was all of this healing and rebuilding of Julie that is opening the eyes of these men from my past. Whatever the reason, I have to admit…all this attention feels good!