Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Hey Santa, yeah you!
Here I am getting ready to celebrate my 37th Christmas and you would think that this thought alone would put a big smile on my face…but it hasn’t. Bah humbug! What it has done is brought back memoires of Christmas’ past.
It is also a subtle reminder to me that I have never seen you working on Christmas Eve. You would think in my 37 years that I would have seen you or caught a glimpse of you just once. But I haven’t. Looking back I can remember seeing my parents putting presents under the tree a couple of times, but never you. I think my parents must have been putting the presents under the tree because they felt bad for me that you didn’t show up. I can only assume that my parents didn’t want me to be disappointed on Christmas morning.
I’m pretty sure I have permanently been taken off of your “Nice” list. And even though I have done my best to be good, you have obviously decided to keep me on the “Naughty” list anyway. My goal this year is to somehow be put back on the “Nice” list. So I have been racking my brain and trying to recall all of the bad things I have done throughout my life that may have given me the boot from “Nice” to “Naughty.” I figure if I come clean I might end up back on the “Nice” list.
So here goes…
I am a gossip. As a rule, I try not to be, but sometimes I just can’t help it.
I sometimes talk bad about people. I really don’t know why I do this, but I can only speculate that I do it to make myself look better to those around me.
In junior high school I helped create a list we called “the dorky girls club”. Of course, I was not on that list, but I was definitely quick to add those that I thought belonged on it. When I got busted and called to the principal’s office, I denied the accusations until I was blue in the face.
I am responsible for the death of not one, but two, beta fish, Ace and Batman. They wouldn’t leave each other alone so I starved them to death.
My car, on the other hand, has been responsible for the death of one deer, one raccoon, and a gazillion bugs…does it count if these weren’t done on purpose?
I have been known to “accidentally” steal things from my friends. For example, when I was in college I went home with my roommate one weekend. It was cold, I didn’t have a jacket so her boyfriend lent me his. I loved it so much that I “accidentally” put it in my suitcase and wore it on weekends that she wasn’t on campus.
I often sneak things into the movie theater while justifying to my kids why it is ok even though there is a sign that clearly reads “no outside food and beverage.”
I used to use my parents gas card for things other than gas and thought I was being so sneaky. But now that I have my own credit cards I know I was naïve to think that they didn’t know this.
I may have been slightly naughty last weekend.
I may have been slightly naughty the weekend before that as well.
Ok, there have been many times that I have been naughty in my life, but don’t expect me to list everyone of them here.
I plan to be naughty this coming weekend too. Is premeditated naughtiness considered to be a double whammy?
Man, if I really think about it, I am a bad girl!
Who has a maxed out credit card.
Who ignores most phone calls out of sheer laziness.
Who sometimes commits to going out with friends only to dump them, without telling them, and pretend like I didn’t remember making plans with them.
Who has called in sick to work just because I couldn’t get my lazy ass out of bed.
Who has a very bad potty mouth at times.
Who often goes way above and beyond what is necessary to get info out of my kids about my ex.
So that’s it Santa…those are all of the things that I can think of that would move me from “Nice” to “Naughty”. Now that we are back on good terms here is my list for this year. It’s a doozey! Hey, I can’t help it if you have missed me for so many years…I think you owe me!
• Pay off my maxed out credit card
• A year of monthly payments for Boot Camp
• A new couch and coffee table
• A tummy tuck
I know it seems like I am asking for a lot! But just in case you need more things here are some additions to the list…but only if you need more…I don’t want to seem greedy.
• Photography lessons
• A new house
• Health insurance
• MAC Computer
And heck, while you are at it, I sure could use a nice, funny, smart, good looking boyfriend. Merry Christmas Santa! I don’t know about you, but I sure am glad we are back on good terms.
PS: As an added incentive, you’re going to LOVE the cookies I leave out for you this year…no more store bought crap…I promise!
(again, I got the idea for this post from someone in the blog world but for the life of me, I can't remember who...if it's you...please let me know and I will give you credit where credit is due…)