Monday, December 28, 2009

Don't worry, everything will work out...ish

I will admit it, I am a worry wart! I didn’t used to be, but I seem to have become one as of late. I think the root of this behavior is because I am solely responsible for the lively hood of my kids. I mean, I don’t have anyone to fall back on financially if things go bad. I now think I understand the stress my ex-husband must have felt being the sole financial support for our family when we were married and I was a stay at home mom. I get it now! But this isn’t the only thing I worry about anymore.

I have lost countless hours wondering: if certain relationships were going to work out, if I’m going to be employed next week, if my kids will still love me even when I say no, if I am lovable, if my “mommy belly” will go away without surgery, if the Colts are going to go to the Super Bowl this year, where Heidi is going to live when Spencer divorces her, where my keys are, if I will ever consistently go to Boot Camp again, if I will ever be happy again, if I will ever realize that some people will disappoint me for being exactly the person I thought they were, if I will ever be able to live without my cell phone, if my future will be better than my past, if I will ever love again, if I will ever be loved again, if the right person will wake up and smell the coffee and realize that I am the one, if my boys will grow up to be good human beings, if my life will ever get better, if there will come a day when I don’t feel lonely, if my dad will ever find someone else to love, if my dad even cares to find someone else to love, if my kids will be successful, if God really does have a plan for me, if my life so far has been a part of that plan, if 2010 will be better than 2009, if Gibson will ever wind down and not be so energetic, if Hamilton will be more outgoing, how to possibly get my kids to try new foods, if it is better for my kids to be followers or leaders in their circle of friends, if they will ever have a Bachelor/Bachelorette show for average size men and women, if I will grow the ½ inch necessary to fit into the healthy weight range for my height/age, if I will ever be able to lose the weight I want, if I will ever be happy with how I look, if I am strong enough to remain calm in this fling that I am currently a part of, if Hamilton and Gibson will be able to one day fulfill their fantasies of being a great guitarist and basketball player, respectively, if the hokey pokey really is what it is all about, if my house will ever stay clean for longer than 10 minutes, if I will ever regain my lust for life.

...and on and on and on…I could literally go on for days with a list of things I constantly worry about…I know I’m crazy…but it’s what makes me…well, ME!

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