Everything I learned about third grade math, I learned on the Internet

I hate homework! I really do. The mere thought of it stresses me out. The worst part about homework, especially the homework of my 3rd grader, is that I am realizing that I don’t always have all of the answers…and it’s only 3rd grade homework people! Hamilton had a question about his homework the other night that I could not answer without looking it up on the Internet. Do you know how embarrassing that is? Let me share a little bit of our conversation regarding this question…

Hamilton: Mom, what is a verticy? (I don’t even know if I spelled this stupid word correctly)

Me: (obviously stalling to come up with some clever answer) hmmm…what is the question again Hamilton?

Hamilton: A verticy, what is it?

Me: Honey, I can honestly say that I have no idea what that word means, in fact, I have never even heard of that word. (It’s ok to admit this, right?)

Hamilton: But the other day you said you knew everything.

Me: No, what I said is that I know everything, but I may not know everything on every day.

Hamilton: (giving me a look like he doesn’t believe m) that sounds fishy mom!

Me: (rolling my eyes) whatever!

Yep, it’s true! I have stooped to the level of my 3rd grader because I realized that I can’t pull any crap over on him anymore. But if I were really being honest about homework, or schoolwork for that matter, I believe that school should prepare kids for real life. I’m 38 years old and I have never used or had the need to know what the word verticy means. All I know is that it is some kind of math term and I’m NOT good at math. And 3rd grade math consists of a lot of story problems and I suck at story problems! I think it’s because I have the attention span of a 3year old and often loose interest in the story problems about half way through. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that the actual math in a story problem is something that Hamilton will use everyday, but the “story” part of the story problems is what gets me. More often than not, they are not related to real life situations. Because most of the time, in fact, I can’t even think of one time, when I am carrying a basket of apples. And I sure as heck can’t think of a reason that my friends would find it necessary to take any of those apples away from me. You see…the story problems just don’t match up to real life!

So today I decided to create a few problems of my own that might help my kids get through everyday life when they are adults.

Question #1: Hamilton and Gibson are at their dads house two nights a week and at my house five nights a week. If I purchase (2) five packs of white boxer briefs for each boy, how many days can I put off doing a load of white laundry?

Answer: If you said two weeks, you are close, but more than likely wrong. You see there are weeks that my ex asks me to send that kind of stuff to his house because he hasn’t gotten around to doing the laundry that week either…(I hope he is reviewing my story problems)

Question #2: The mortgage payment is due on the fourth of every month and I don’t get paid until the fifteenth of every month. How many phone calls will I get from the bank before I am actually forced to mail my payment?

Answer: None, because I gave the mortgage company a fake phone number when I applied for the loan…SUCKERS!

Question #3: If three of us use three plates at dinner and I use two pots to cook the meal, how long will it take me to clean up the kitchen after we eat dinner?

Answer: Ha! Trick question. I don’t cook, so if we can’t throw it away after dinner then we don’t eat it.

Question #4: My hot water runs out after 45 minutes. If Hamilton gets in the shower at 7:00am and gets out at 7:43am, will I have enough hot water to shave at least enough of my legs to wear a pencil skirt to my Board Meeting?

Answer: No! Unfortunately I have been known to go to work with ½ shaved legs. Good thing it is just me in the office by myself on most days.

Question #5: On Monday it took me 10 minutes to convince Gibson to leave Hamilton alone so that he could finish his homework, Tuesday it took 12 minutes and Wednesday it took 14 minutes. At this rate, at the end of the semester, how late will Hamilton be up trying to finish his homework?

Answer: It won’t matter because on Wednesday I threatened to lock Gibson in his bedroom with no games, toys, TV, or DS if he prevented Hamilton from doing his homework one more time…crisis averted!

There…you see…clearly my children are learning more and benefiting more from these types of story problems. Maybe I will email Hamilton’s teacher this morning. I’m sure she would appreciate these helpful tips!