The seatbelt sign is on

Monday night marked the premier episode of this seasons The Bachelor. Can I just take a second and tell you how much I love this show? I’m not a huge TV watcher, but I do honestly love this show more than monkeys love bananas! Seriously… reality television doesn’t get much better than the train wreck that is the Bachelor. And this season looks like it will NOT disappoint.

In case you aren’t familiar with the show…here is our Bachelor…



Jake, 31, is a pilot from Texas, with a six pack the size of California. In fact, I like to refer to it as a ten pack it’s so yummy! On a side note, my six year old Gibson likes to flaunt off what he calls his “two pack”, it’s quite adorable!

Sorry, back to reality.

I loved the first five minutes of this show…it was a montage introducing us to Jake. But the best part...there were exactly 10 scenes in the first 30 minutes where he was shirtless. WOOT! WOOT! Besides Jake’s physical appearance, here are just a few things, that I (and every other single woman in the world) like about Jake, the Pilot…

1. He is not afraid to admit that his most powerful emotion is love
2. He is not afraid to admit that he isn’t engineered to be alone
3. He is not afraid to admit that he wants the fairy tale, happily ever after, storybook romance
4. He is not afraid to admit that he wants to fall in love
5. He is not afraid to admit that he wants to settle down

You know what he does for me, besides give me chills? He gives me hope that there are good guys out there that are actually looking for good girls to settle down with, that there are guys that understand that they weren’t created to be alone and that there are guys out there that value the companionship of a good woman. He just plain gives me hope for my future.

Ok…now that I have totally crushed on my crush…let’s move on to the meat of the show…the crazy, psycho, jealous girls.

To wrap it all up in a pretty package with a bow, there are 25 girls from all over the US and Canada, half of whom are blonds and half whom are brunettes. All but two had long hair (I bet you can’t guess whether or not the two with short hair get booted at the end of the evening or not?) The average age of the girls is 26 with the youngest being 23 and the oldest being 32 but all who claim to be ready for marriage. What I usually find the most interesting about the girls are their careers. Six of the girls are either Hair/Make-up Artists that also model, five of them are in Management of some kind, two are dancers of some kind (not necessarily the pole kind either…get your minds out of the gutter people), two are in the restaurant business, and the remaining are a smattering of College Admissions Counselors, Teachers, Armed services personnel, Entrepreneurs, Bankers, medical technicians and of course the two ringers, the pilot and the flight attendant.

My favorite part of the premier episode is the meet and greet with the girls, some of them had very short video montages and some of them didn’t. Don't ask me how they decide who gets a video and who doesn't. I would assume it is based on the size of the ta-ta's, but it's only a guess. But I digress. During the meet and greet both parties are usually totally nervous and can barely speak, so you can only imagine some of the things that come out of their mouths. I mean seriously, there were many moments when I wanted to huddle behind the couch in a fetal position out of embarrassment for these girls. And you know me, I can't let the embarrassment go, I have to share it with everyone.

Let the games begin...

Rozlyn- 28
Occupation: Model/Make Up Artist
Nickname: Little Rose
First Impression: She thinks females are caddy and pilots are sexy just like firemen! Apparently her name means little rose and she loves to lounge around by the pool or at the beach all day looking like a model.
Most Memorable Line: “Fasten your seat belts because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”
Status: Cleared to land

Christina- 25
Occupation: Restaurant Manager
Nickname: Bee-otch
First Impression: Ah Christina is special, I can tell. Any girl coming to a first impression meet and greet with some kind of flowery over the shoulder dress carrying a picnic basket spells “special”. In the picnic basket are jelly beans, otherwise known as “parting gifts”, for all of the girls as they get booted from the show. Let me be the first to say…this girl spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E! Admit it, any girl that can convince a guy to play airplane with her on the first “date” is pretty slick.
Most Memorable Line: don’t remember it word for word, but it was something about all of the girls bringing their ta-ta’s out to play and then she openly admitted that her ta-ta’s were nothing to write home about.
Status: Cleared to land

Emily- 23
Occupation: Fit Model
Nickname: Hello Who Ha!
First Impression: I remember her dress because the slit went up to “here” and by here I mean, a different camera angle and we would have been able to see her “who ha”, if you know what I mean. This was the first girl of the bunch who was trying to rock the side pony, which I can’t stand…hello 80’s!
Most Memorable Line: There wasn’t one
Status: Asked to Deplane

Ali- 25
Occupation: Advertising Account Manager
Nickname: Peacock
First Impression: I will be honest and tell you that I LIKE THIS GIRL…she is number one in my top two favorites. I think she is completely adorable. And the fact that she brings a peacock feather with her…clever! Because we all know that to peacocks, it’s the feather that they use to attract their mates. Ali says that she is the queen of being dumped in cruel manners. Her last boyfriend cheated on her with their roommate…quality! We also remember Ali because on her one on one meeting with Jake she tripped up the stairs while saying, “I can’t believe I was the girl to trip.” Unfortunately, she was the “other” girl to trip, but whose counting?
Most Memorable Line: “I actually lost a boyfriend to video games”
Status: Cleared for landing

Jessie- 25
Occupation: Cosmetic Sales Manager
Nickname: Flamenco Girl
First Impression: Jessie had an awesome black and red strapless Flamenco dress, but crappy hair…another freaking side pony. I’m sorry girls, but I cannot take you seriously when you are trying to rock the side pony. All I can do is picture you chomping your gum obnoxiously while filing your nails at the mall, seriously, that’s what I visualize.
Most Memorable Line: “Do you have a registry for these guns?”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Tenley- 25
Occupation: College Admissions
Nickname: Virgin
First Impression: Tenley is our first emotional wreck of the evening. She may be beautiful, but I don’t think she is over her ex-husband. That’s right, you heard me…she is divorced. And not only is she divorced but she was a virgin until her wedding day…and her ex- husband is the only other guy she has kissed. And yes, I said the only “other” guy. She actually stooped low and asked Jake for a kiss and then of course went and cried about it. I think with the help of the “ABC Therapist”, if she can gather her emotions and get over her ex, she may have a fighting chance. But alas, Jake gives her the first impression rose, her self esteem is boosted to levels beyond belief and she is a new woman.
Most Memorable Line: “I was a virgin until I got married.” Apparently this is need to know information.
Status: Cleared for Landing & First Impression Rose

Ella- 29
Occupation: Hair Stylist
Nickname: Looking for Baby Daddy
First Impression: After trying desperately to stop singing “Ella Ella Bo Bella Banana Fana Fo Fella, Fe Fi Fo Mella…Ella” I noticed the freaking side pony again…I think total count so far is three girls trying to rock the side pony. Didn’t this fad go out with Matty’s little monkey, Shane Lamas? I will admit that Ella is one of two girls this season that I think could and would kick my arse if I got in between her and her man. She is a single mom that seems to just be looking for her “baby daddy”.
Most Memorable Line: “you’ve got something on your tie”…and then when he looks down she pops his nose…oh Ella, you’re so funny.
Status: Cleared for Landing

Kathryn- 25
Occupation: Corporate Flight Attendant
Nickname: Breath of Fresh Air
First Impression: I know you think that it is the fact that she is a flight attendant that made Jake want to keep her, but oh no, it was the lovely purple dress that looked like it was pulled out of the closet of a seven year old girl. It was strapless, short and full of more tulle than I have ever seen in one spot at one time. Frankly, she looked like she just finished a ballet performance and didn’t have enough time to change before meeting Jake, the Pilot. The second thing you notice about Kathryn is her diamond ring…on her wedding finger. When asked for an explanation she says she uses it to keep the yahoo travelers from hitting on her at work…nice save Kathryn, but still seems a little fishy.
Most Memorable Line: “Come find me when you need a breath of fresh air.”…kind of a cute line!
Status: Cleared for landing

Caitlyn- 24
Occupation: Spokes model
Nickname: Pageant Girl
First Impression: She walked like a pageant girl…with a stick up her @$%. Sorry, there was no other way to put it. She wasn’t really memorable…that’s about all I got
Most Memorable Line: “You look great in a suit but I can’t wait to see you in a uniform.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Elizabeth- 29
Occupation: Captain, Air National Guard
Nickname: Ms. Confident
First Impression: I knew this girl was going to be a no in Jake’s book. You know how I know this? Because I loved her first impression, and history has it if I like something on this show then the Bachelor doesn’t. She let Jake flip a coin..heads she stays, tails she goes. She flipped the coin in his hand and luckily it came up heads. She walks away, Jake looks at the coin and it is double sided…clever Elizabeth, very clever!
Most Memorable Line: “Lucky you Jake!” (said after she flipped the coin and it was heads)
Status: Asked to deplane

Alexa- 25
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Nickname: Harley Girl
First Impression: In her brief video montage she basically said that riding her harley equated to having an orgasm, That’s classy! This girl came dressed circa Madonna 1985…short black lacy dress and black leather gloves. I have to be honest and tell you that this girl is the second girl of the group that scared me because I am confident that she can kick my arse! She rides a Harley and most Harley girls scare me.
Most Memorable Line: “If you let me fly your plane, I will let you ride my Harley.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Vienna- 23
Occupation: Marketing Representative
Nickname: Paris
First Impression: Lots of things stick out about this girl. The first being the fact that I felt like I was watching Paris Hilton in her video montage. She is a daddy’s girl that has been in five, yes count them, five auto accidents. And each time her father purchased a new car for her. She is a princess that lives off of daddy…that always spells trouble in my book! She has a dog that she dresses up and treats like a human being. She is already calling Jake “Chloe’s Daddy”.
Most Memorable Line: “So first things first, I want to see these famous abs I’ve heard so much about. I have a two pack and you can feel that later.”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Corrie- 23
Occupation: Wardrobe Consultant
Nickname: SJP
First Impression: I definitely remember Corrie from her opening line. Bless her heart! She says to Jake upon first meeting him, “What do you think about Kissemee?” And the look of horror on Jake’s face was priceless…until he realized that she meant Kissemee, Florida and not “kissing me”. Priceless!! I gave her the nickname SJP because there is something about her that reminds me of Sarah Jessica Parker. She seems like a little 15 year old girl to me. I’m predicting she won’t be on the show long.
Most Memorable Line: “What do you think about Kissemee?”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Kimberly- 24
Occupation: NBA Dancer
Nickname: hmmm…cant think of anything off the top of my head
First Impression: I knew the moment she got out of the car she wasn’t going to last…short hair, it’s the kiss of death…
Most Memorable Line: Can’t think of one
Status: Asked to deplane

Valisha-32
Occupation: Home maker (huh?)
Nickname: Reality Check
First Impression: Can’t wait to see Jake’s reaction when he finds out she is a home maker…(aka…looking for a sugar daddy) But I won’t judge, I will wait to find out more. I’m sure this is the first time in history that anyone has ever given a Bachelor or Baccalaureate dirt upon their first meeting.
Most Memorable Line: (while she is putting Texas soil in Jake’s hand) “This signifies common ground (because both of their families are from Texas). It is also a symbol to remind us that the best things in life are free.” Huh? Was I the only one who giggled like a teenage girl when I heard that?
Status: Cleared for Landing

Gia- 26
Occupation: Swimsuit Model
Nickname: Resident Slut
First Impression: I don’t think this girl knows what she does for a living. She lists Swimsuit Model as her occupation, however, she also managed to slip in that she is a ballet dancer and also owns a hair salon. Maybe she should give one of her jobs to Valisha.
Most Memorable Line: “Great, I own a hair salon. So if you ever need your hair done…”
Status: Cleared for Landing

Elizabeth- 29
Occupation: Nanny ($50 bucks says she is a nanny for her sisters kids)
Nickname: Sporty
First Impression: I LIKE THIS GIRL…Her first impression conversation was classic. It went a little something like this:
Elizabeth: Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine your most favorite place.
Jake: (like a good boy, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and smiles)
Elizabeth: So, what’s your favorite place?
Jake: Right here, right now
Elizabeth: Mine was snowboarding
Hello…Awkward!
Most Memorable line: “Mine was snowboarding.” Seriously, come on Elizabeth…can’t you be a little more spontaneous than that? I don't think this little scenario turned out like she had hoped it would.
Status: Cleared for Landing

Channy- 29
Occupation: Mortgage Loan Officer
Nickname: Channy the Tranny
First Impression: I can’t even put it into words. She is Cambodian and has a huge mouth and teeth. She thinks she is hot. She thinks she is funny. She dresses like a street walker. She says something to him in Cambodian and says that he will have to come and find her to get a translation. He finds her and she says it again in her native tongue. Jake says “that was beautiful”…I think he was nervous. I don’t know if you have ever heard anyone speak Cambodian, but beautiful is not a descriptive word that I would use. Anyway, the translation is something like “you can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.” THUD! Yep, that was my jaw hitting the floor.
Most Memorable Line: Obviously “You can land your plane on my landing strop anytime.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Ashley- 29
Occupation: Teacher
Nickname: Broken Picker
First Impression: Ashley has a mom that apparently is trying to live her life through her daughter. Why, you may ask? Because her mom sends her huge packages daily with awesome clothes. And I’m not just talking a tshirt here and there, but I’m talking about ball gowns, bikinis, name brand stuff…nothing chinsey! She brings with her a “home made picker” (more on this later) and then the best part…during the cocktail hour she leaves and puts on a “flight attendant” costume…and not a classy one, one from the slutty Halloween section of the Party Supply Store. But, Jake loved it…and obviously so did the camera man!
Most Memorable Line: One doesn’t stick out
Status: Cleared for Landing

Tiana- 31
Occupation: Medical Technician
Nickname: Old Lady
First Impression: I don’t remember anything about her except the statement she made during her exit interview.
Most Memorable line: My most favorite line of the entire evening: “I wanted to be your co-pilot, but now I have to settle for waving to you from the tarmac.”
Status: Asked to deplane

Ashleigh – 25
Occupation: Account Manager
Nickname: Jack Tripper
First Impression: We remember Ashleigh not only for the slit in her gown that went all the way up to and almost past her Who ha, but also as the first “tripper” in the group.
Most Memorable Line: Don’t remember one off hand
Status: Cleared for Landing

Kristen- 25
Occupation: Waitress
Nickname: Never Gonna Make It
First Impression: we never heard from her after the first impression meet and greet
Most Memorable Line: “One of my best friends has something to share with you, so if you find me inside I will show you what it is.” (obviously he didn’t care because we never heard from her again)
Status: Asked to deplane

Stephanie- 24
Occupation: Dance Teacher
Nickname: Dancing Queen
First Impression: I wasn’t really impressed by her…mostly just uncomfortable watching her
Most Memorable Line: Nada
Status: Asked to deplane

Sheila- 25
Occupation: Commercial Pilot
Nickname: Maverick
First Impression: She walks in with Aviator glasses and gives them to Jake. Would have been a great moment had they been glasses for men.
Most Memorable Line: Nothing memorable…I just remember thinking, oh God, I hope I am never on a plane that she is flying. She seemed so flighty to me
Status: Asked to deplane

Michelle- 25
Occupation: Office Manager
Nickname: Resident Psycho
First Impression: Michelle’s first mistake was going on and on and on about how it is about time she settle down…clearly she is very old! She rambles on and on about being his co-pilot, or stewardess, or maintenance worker…anything to be near his heart. The best is that she admits, through many tears, that she will absolutely DIE if she didn’t get the first impression rose. I kept waiting for her to keel over, but it never happened.
Most Memorable Line: “Jake, I just want to be your co-pilot” (oh barf!)
Status: Cleared for Landing (clearly this decision was made for ratings! Afterall, Ed stated that he thought she was a psycho…But you have to have a resident psycho for a few weeks until people get hooked on the show. I predict she will be gone by the third week

Now that we have met all of the girls, let me ask you two questions. First, when did long sequined 80’s prom dresses come back in style? And second, are there possibly any pilot/flying references/cliches that were left out…it was painful each time someone said something like “I want to be your co-pilot.

Anyway, I am going to go out on a limb and pick my two favorites for the season and they are Ali and Elizabeth, one a blonde and one a brunette. They both seemed down to earth and pretty normal. And by normal I mean, not psycho! My only advice to the remaining girls is to never ever, and I mean NEVER, say things like “I know he is into me” or “I have no doubt that I will make it to the next round” or “there is nothing that will prevent him from picking me”…these kinds of statements can only spell doom for your stay at the Bachelor Pad. If you use lines like these you will be waving at Jake from the Tarmac with Tiana!