Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Road trippin it with the bee-otches

Enter Chris Harrison with this weeks date rules. He informs the girls that there will be (1) one-on-one date, (1) group date, and (1) two-on one-date and that there will be roses given out on each date. He tells them that everything is going to change this week. Cue dramatic music: Da Da Da Da! He sends the girls outside to see two very large RV’s.

Kathryn ever so eloquently exclaims “I just know we are getting out of this house and going somewhere!” Really, Kathryn? What was your first clue?

The girls get divided into two groups. (let the cat fights begin)
RV #1: Ali, Kathryn, Jessie and Tenley
RV #2: Gia, Corrie, Ashleigh, Ella and Vienna

As in past weeks we role to footage of Jake on his motorcycle with the freakishly large helmet. Come on ABC intern, when are you going to start listening to me? The helmet is NOT working for Jake. Might I suggest something a little cooler, like this one perhaps:
The RV’s meet up with Jake as he is pitching his tent (get your minds out of the gutter people, he is really putting up a tent)in the middle of wine country, their first stop on the RV road trip. We hear Jake saying in his voice over that he can’t think of a better place to fall in love than a tent in the middle of wine country. Really Jake? I can…how about the Ritz Carlton in New York, or the Eiffel Tower in Paris?

We move onto the girls in the RV’s where they are predicting who would be booted off if they were to go on a two-on-one date with Vienna. All of them in RV#1 quickly conclude that they are all better than Vienna and she would most definitely be the one sent home…cocky bee-otches, aren’t they?

Side note, what is the deal with Jessie’s “Snookie” hair, ala Jersey Shore?
Jake meets the girls upon their arrival at the vineyard and brings the date card. “Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars.” And it is for Gia. We hear a voice over of Gia, but for the life of me I can’t remember what she said because I was so focused on her annoying giggle and lisp. In true ABC fashion the cameraman scans to Vienna telling us why Gia is not a good match for Jake. Her reason, Gia is a city girl and not the outdoorsy type. But Vienna is? Hmmmmm…

I will admit that ABC has been lacking in the naked chest scenes the past week or two, but I will say they definitely made up for it this week. We are treated to the pleasure of Jake shaving outdoors with his shirt unbuttoned and recklessly blowing in the wind…*swoon* ABC, you definitely had me at hello!

As Jake and Gia ride off into the sunset on his motorcycle Vienna comments:

Vienna: I can’t wait for Gia to act all outdoorsy in her stiletto heels

Kathryn: Do you think she will come back from the date with a rose?

Vienna: I don’t know, if she doesn’t fall off the bike first. (I laughed my ass off at this comment)…funniest thing said all evening.

DATE #1: One-On-One with Gia

We come back from commercial break only to see Jake and Gia playing hide and seek in the vineyard like 3rd graders. Totally cheesy! When Jake “finds” Gia she giggles and jumps on him. He is now forced to carry her out of the vineyard kind of like I would my 5 year old if he was acting up at the mall…it was one of those scenes where I just wanted to huddle up in the fetal position behind my couch.

Gia: I was a nerd in school. I got beat up all the time.

Jake: Really, my name was Mr. Bagels in 9th grade and I didn’t have my first kiss until I was in 11th grade.

Gia: I loved playing spin the bottle in school

Jake: Woo Whoo! Let’s finish up this bottle of wine and start our own game. What are the rules

Gia: First time kiss on the cheek, 2nd time kiss on the lips, 3rd time all the way…

Jake: (thinking to himself) Giddy Up!

Gia: Giggling uncontrollably

Jake: (thinking to himself) I am going to have to kiss her to get her to stop giggling…she is going to drive me nuts!

Cue: Campfire

Jake: So where do you see your life going?

Gia: I want to be engaged for awhile, then get married, have a couple of kids and adopt a little girl from China.

Jake: (looking off into the distance, uninterested, dazed and confused)…

STATUS: Cleared for Landing

Back at the RV camp site Kathryn comes out of the RV with the group date card: Ali, Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Vienne and Corrie. “Next stop, falling INN love. Love Jake. Pan to Kathryn and Ella who have suddenly become wet blankets at the thought of one of them having to go home on the two on one date…ahhh, tension, beautiful tension.

DATE #2: Group Date

Jake predicts some uncomfortable situations in the group date because he has feelings for a lot of these girls. Sweet! I hope we see some hair extensions being pulled out during the cat fight scenes!

Cue girls getting ready in the RV:

Tenley: (to Ali) what would you do if Vienna got a rose tonight?

Ali: I would throw up in my mouth (classy Ali, real classy!)

Jake warns the girls ahead of time that they need to prepare to get extremely dirty! Like bow chicka bow wow kind of dirty Jake or sand in your pants kind of dirty? Oh, dune buggys…it’s sand in your pants kind of dirty.

Ali jumps at the chance to be a passenger in Jakes Dune Buggy. Corrie and Ashleigh hop in one and tear it up…Jake is smitten! Jessie and Vienna are in another and it gets stuck…Super Jake to the rescue! He unsticks them from their delima and continues on with the fun. Once they are done with the buggys, they move onto sand surfing. This, my friends, looks like a ton of fun. He and Tenley hit it off…the other girls shoot her daggers but then are all lovey dovey to her face. Jake invites them to go rolling down the hill together. Everyone but Corrie shoots him blank stares. We are treated to an awkward scene of Corrie throwing Jake down the hill…I don’t think that is what he had planned. There is absolutely no chemistry between the two of them.

After the day in the sand the girls go back to the Inn to get cleaned up for dinner. Jakes goal for the evening is to get one on one time with all of the girls. Ashleigh is first. Their one on one date can only be labeled as “snoozefest”. There was absolutely no conversation beyond “How you doin?” very awkward! Ashleigh goes in and kisses Jakes cheek. He thinks she is smoking hot but doesn’t feel the chemistry. He probably would have felt the chemistry if he were looking at the crotch shot the cameraman was getting of Ashliegh…Hello!

They go back to the group and Jake asks Vienna to sneak away and she asks if she can be last. He was taken aback but ok with it. Ali couldn’t believe it. Girls…I got news for you, Vienna is just playing the game! I thought that her move was brilliant…she wanted to be the last one to kiss Jake that evening. Bravo girl!

Back at the RV camp another date card arrives, it’s from Chris: “Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes.” Neither Kathryn nor Ella want to go home yet and they don’t understand why Jake has put them in this position. Hello girls, you are obviously the two that are at the very bottom of the list!

Back at the group date Jake and Tenley are talking about her past relationship while the cameraman is focusing on the bed with the rose pedals. I really feel like there should have been porno music in the background. There is definitely chemistry between these two.

Last but not least, it’s Vienna’s turn. And Jake calls her out! I love it.

Jake: Why do you think the other girls give you a hard time?

Vienna: (batting her big blue eyes) I don’t know Jake.

Jake: I think you egg them on. I can see that you are different around them. You know sometimes it is just better to not say anything at all then to go back to them and rub our relationship in their faces.

Bravo Jake! He needed to pump the breaks with Vienna anyway. I still like her, but he needs to work through all of these red flags he is seeing in her.

Status: Tenley cleared for landing

DATE #3: Two-On-One Date

Is it just me or does anyone else remember much about Kathryn? I, for the life of me, can’t seem to remember one thing about her. Jakes goal for tonight: complete openness! Kathryn, Ella and Jake head back to his cabin for a quite dinner. I start laughing because they are sitting at a table that looks like it is made for a little girls tea party. They all look like giants.

Jake and Ella are having a conversation and poor Kathryn tries to interject awkwardly but can’t seem to get a word in edgewise. When Kathryn finally gets alone time with him she goes off on him. She tells him that she is pissed that he has been focusing all of his attention on Ella and never looks at her when he is with all of the girls. Let me interject here for a minute…Kathryn, honey, you have just purchased your one way ticket off of the show…don’t bitch him out you are only at week #4!

Quite frankly, I’m not feeling it with either of these girls. I think that he should send them both home. And after much contemplation, Jake must have read my mind because that is exactly what he did…he sent both Kathryn and Ella packing!

Tenley: breaks down and is overcome with emotion
Ali: is in shock and says “I’m going to give Jake a real talking to if he doesn’t send Vienna home”
Ella: (says to the ABC reject cameraman) “God help Jake”
Kathryn: (says to the other ABC reject cameraman) “He is going to end up with the wrong person
Jake: “this is the first of many decisions that no one is going to understand and it’s only going to get worse.”

Wooo Whooo! You know what I just heard? I heard the word…drama! I love drama!

STATUS: Kathryn & Ella asked to deplane


Corrie grabs Jake for some one on one time. She wants the opportunity to clarify her status with him because she doesn’t feel like she has gotten any quality time with him, aka, make out time. Here is how their conversation went:

Corrie: Are you nervous around me?

Jake: No, absolutely not!

Corrie: Oh…well then that means you aren’t into me. If you like someone you should always be somewhat nervous to be in their presence (huh?)

Jake: I will pursue you if you continue to open up, aka…you better make out with me soon or I will boot you off this show.

Jake comes in to take Ali away for some conversation. All she does is a little butt kissing by telling Jake how honorable he was for the tough decisions he made last night…blahblahblahblah.

Jessie grabs him for some alone time just to tell him that he should boot Vienna. Hello, she just wrote herself a ticket off the show too. When will these girls learn that if you continue to bad mouth the other girls to the bachelor it usually means you will get the boot. Nobody likes a tattle tale!

Vienna pulls him aside to ask him what his family and friends might think of her. Hello Vienna…you might be a little more worried about what Jake thinks about you.

ROSE CEREMONY: the most dramatic one ever!


Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech…by golly, I think Jake looks like he may puke! He excuses himself to go find an ABC producer in hopes he will be able to find Chris Harrison too. Jake tells Chris that there are a couple of women in there that he is sure he wants to send home and wants to know if he has to give both of the remaining two roses. Chris assures him that he doesn’t and goes in and snatches one of the roses from the silver platter.

And the last girl he chooses to stay: Vienna

Ali is PISSED! On a side note, I can’t wait to hear that “talking to” she is going to give Jake next week.

Ali: (whispering quietly) why is she here? How could he possibly keep her? My heart is racing, if Vienna is what he wants, then I’m not what he wants. (GOOD…then go home) How can he look at her and think that she can be his wife?

Tenley: we have to tell him

In classic Baccalaureate form as Ashleigh is departing she throws out a few F bombs and is in shock that he picked Vienna over her. Jessie thought she needed to step up to the plate a little more to win him over…No no girls, bottom line…He just wasn’t that into you!

Until next week when Jake takes all of the girls to Ali’s hometown of San Fransisco!


  1. I cant believe I missed it somehow!! I still havent put it in my season pass mananger! Im so thankful for your recaps!

  2. Methinks Jake likes him some immature chicks!



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