Monday, January 11, 2010

Open Letters

Dear Hamilton and Gibson,

I am a much better communicator of the written word than I am of the spoken word. So I am hoping that when I write out the following statement (in all Caps, which of course means I am mad), that I will finally be heard. So here goes…

“IF ONE OF YOU PEES ON THE OTHER ONE MORE TIME WHILE GOING TO THE BATHROOM, YOU WILL BOTH BE DEAD MEAT”

I love you,
Mom
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Dear Dude in the Hummer riding my ass during the snow storm,

I would appreciate it if you would back up. I am very aware that you are behind me and my little 2010 Honda Accord on the snow covered roads. Believe me, I am aware! But here is a hint…I’m not going to drive any faster. So either pick up your speed and go over me, or turn on your turn signal and go around me.

Thank you,
Cautious driver
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Dear Teenage girls at Super Target,

You don’t look as cool as you think you do talking very loudly about how drunk you were at your friends New Years Eve Party. Believe me, it’s not cool when your 21 or 41 so it definitely isn’t cool when your still a teenager.

Unfortunately you will only appreciate this letter after you have had kids of your own.

Signed,
An unimpressed mom
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Dear Food Industry,

Tofu does not taste like chicken, low fat cheese does not taste the same as regular cheese and fat free ice cream, what the hell were you thinking. Stop trying to convince me otherwise. I’m not buying it. And those that are buying it are lying to you and to themselves!

Yours truly,
A Foodie
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Dear Scarlett Johannsen,

This letter is to inform you that you may divorce Ryan Reynolds at any time. I promise you I will be here with open arms to support him and love him through this difficult time. I can promise you that I will never hate you for setting him free.

Now, your singing career, on the other hand, I will hate you if you continue that…you are not good at it. Give it up. As I always say, if you really love something
(ie: Ryan and singing)you should set it free.

Love,
Ryan’s 2nd Wife
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Dear Toxic Friend,

I saw you on Friday at Panera. You looked sad. I wanted to hug you. I smiled at you but I don’t think you saw me. I miss you, but I also know that us not being friends is much better for me.

Hope you are well,
Hurt by your comments
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3 comments:

  1. I actually stumbled upon your blog and read your open letters - to your boys. I about laughed myself silly - I have 4 boys. If I haven't said those very same words at some point...

    Must try typing things out in all caps and see if that gets my point across any better.

    Fellow mom of boys,

    Susan

    ReplyDelete
  2. Too funny! I have four boys also and I am embarassed to admit I have said something similar. Stopping by from Sits!

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOVE your letters! And if by chance you are unable to care for Ryan Reynolds (or willing to share) I would also be happy to step in and help.
    Stopping by from SITS

    ReplyDelete

 

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