Monday, January 18, 2010

Either go for broke or break out the spirit fingers

This week: (2) one on one dates and (1) group date- roses will be given out on each date.

First Date Card: Vienna “Let’s fall head over heels together.”

In classic ABC cameraman form, as soon as the girls realize that Vienna was selected for the ever so prized one on one date, he pans to Michelle with another classic voice over. “I think of myself as a very attractive woman and I see Vienna as being the total opposite of me, in the looks department.” Wow! That’s a pretty bold statement Michelle…even for a psycho!

Question before we go any further, why is everyone so bitchy towards Vienna all of the sudden? This is the kind of stuff about the filming of "reality TV" that usually irritates the crap out of me. The cameramen/Editors only show us what they want us to see...hello, real life is NOT edited people! But I digress.

ONE ON ONE DATE #1 with Vienna

Helmet head picks up Vienna on the classic motorcycle…they are headed for Jakes house first and then off to something adventurous. Come on ABC intern, can’t you come up with something a little more original than a motorcycle, or limo, or helicopter? In fact, here’s an idea, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Jake pulled up on a Vespa or a Segway with that abnormally huge helmet? I would seriously die laughing, but at least it would be original…Ok…back to Jake's transportation. Jake and Vienna hop giddly into a helicopter (again, how original ABC intern) in anticipation of the days activities. After a little while they both start to look pale and ready to vomit at any moment. They both wipe their sweaty palms on each other when they turn the bend and see the bridge in the middle of nowhere. Reality sets in as they start to realize they are probably going to have to jump off of it.

They both admit their fear of heights…yes, I thought it was weird too that a pilot has a fear of heights. Maybe that is why he hasn’t logged any flight hours since 2007…I’m just saying. I know I don’t want to be in a plane piloted by a guy who is afraid of heights.

Anyway, back to them being strapped into the gear necessary to jump off of this very tall bridge. Jake goes into panic mode, shaking and visibly afraid of jumping off the bridge. I guess they don’t clear the dates with the Bachelor beforehand… Anywhoo…they finally jump, only after the ABC therapist threatens to cancel the show on Jake if he doesn’t strap on some balls and jump. Jake and Vienna share their first kiss while hanging upside down. I have to admit that I thought this was kind of cute, maybe a little cheesy, but at least it was original.

In classic Bachelor mode, they move onto dinner on the bear skin rug in front of the fireplace at the Bachelor Pad…very Burt Reynolds(ish).

Back at the house the group date card arrives: Corrie, Elizabeth, Ali, Tenley, Ashleigh, Jessie, Michelle and Gia are selected. “Love is no laughing matter, or is it?” Just let me tell you, I am already horrified by this date card…something in it is not sitting well with me at this point.

Pan back to Jake and Vienna in the hot tub and the offering up of the rose. Jake is so happy with his decision to keep Vienna, Vienna is already planning her walk down the aisle and her designer wedding gown.

Status: Cleared for Landing


Jake meets the girls outside of John Lovit’s Comedy Club. Michelle runs up to Jake first, because of course, she has not had any time with him yet. She hugs him so hard and doesn’t want to let go. Enter two very large body guards to pry Michelle’s claws of life from Jake’s back. Enter also the ABC stylist to provide Jake with a new shirt because the one he arrived in was cut by Michelle’s razor sharp nails that were gripping him so tightly.

Back at the house Ella finds out she is the one that gets the next one on one date with Jake. Finally her time has arrived. She expresses her excitement with her “jazz hands”…oh no Ella, please stop doing that. We try to listen closely to Ella’s excitement but unfortunately all we can hear is Vienna in the background gushing about Jake and how she knows what he wants…blahblahblahblah.

Back to the group date and the girls getting lessons about being funny from John Lovitz. Seriously ABC, I think they would learn a lot more about being funny from someone that was actually funny. Ashleigh immediately goes into panic mode at the thought of having to get up and be funny on the spot. Well, I’m with you girl. At this point I would be over at the bar with my mouth directly under the tap..chugging the fear out of me…but that’s just me, I’m sure Ashleigh will choose to handle her fear in a little classier style.

John Lovits comes out first to give his five minutes of what he thinks is funny…but I have news for ABC…HE IS NOT FUNNY! He ranks right up there with Jay Leno and I think you all know how funny I think he is. In fact, Tenley and her pretzel contortioning self were a hell of a lot funnier than John Lovits was, and I was huddled behind the couch in the fetal position watching her turn herself into said pretzel, all for the love of the Bachelor. Seriously, how is it that someone like her, that can do that with her body is still single?

Elizabeth is surprisingly raunchy, Kathryn thought it was funny getting Jake on stage to get him to kiss her…more uncomfortable than funny, in my opinion. And then out comes Michelle…I don’t even know what to say here because I was not only huddled in the fetal position behind the couch watching her as well, but I was also trying to find a towel to stop the bleeding in my ears. The most classic part was watching Michelle’s reaction to Kathryn kissing Jake on stage. Michelle goes on and on about how she envisions her first kiss with Jake, you know the long, passionate, soft tongue in your mouth, ripping your clothes off kind of kiss. Dream on Michelle, not gonna happen…the only thing I can guarantee you that you have in your back pocket is a ticket home. And finally Corrie comes out and does impressions of all of the girls, which are kind of cute and funny until she reverts to doing nothing but ripping on Vienna. Jake thought she was funny but was upset with the fact that Vienna wasn’t there to defend herself.

The group date ends with a Wrap Part at the Roosevelt. At this time everyone is giddy with excitement drinking champagne and feeding Jake. Tenley is the first to go in for one on one time. I find myself wondering if she will take this opportunity to share her secret with Jake or if she will chicken out like weeks past. Alas, she gets up the nerve to tell Jake that she has been married, and was dumped by the only man she has ever kissed or had sex with. My feeling is that anyone that can’t tell the story of their divorce without bawling is not over their ex yet. Hello, Red Flag!

Pan back to the girls bitching and moaning and wondering if they will ever get one on one time with Jake. He comes in for Ashleigh and she takes the opportunity of course to rip on Vienna. Because like the other girls she has nothing in common with Vienna and if he is attracted to someone like her then how could he possibly like Ashleigh as well. He wonders, out loud, what it is about Vienna that he isn’t seeing that all of the girls are seeing.

We eventually get a shot of Ali toasting Corrie for having the balls to show Jake who the real Vienna is and Michelle wants absolutely nothing to do with the toast.

Michelle: I feel like I have a huge connection with Jake and I want desperately to get married and give my mom another grandchild, after all, my brother has already done it and it is my time! I didn’t leave my family, friends and job to have play time…I don’t need your help bitches! I came here to find love and get married…I WANT TO GET MARRIED!

Wow, I don’t know about you guys, but I am definitely clear on what Michelle wants.

Jake comes over to pull Michelle away from the other girls for some one on one…MISTAKE JAKE! I have a feeling this will not turn out very well…

Jake: Wow…it’s been a rough night

Michelle: Yeah, can’t you see I’ve been crying? Listen, I’m not overly dramatic or emotional. I just want you to know that I am here for you 100% and I feel like I am the only one taking this seriously. I really want a husband!

Jake: (taking a couple of steps back to give himself enough room to make a safe, quick exit) I believe you!

Michelle: Can I have a kiss? You know just to see if I really feel something genuine for you?

Jake kisses her but it is completely obvious to everyone, but Michelle, that he is NOT into her at all. He backs away after a very short unemotional kiss.

Michelle: (rolling her eyes) Seriously? You have to give me more than that!

Jake: (rolling his eyes and bowing his head)

Michelle: Why is your head down?

Jake: I’m just ready for this night to be over with

Michelle: (sensing something may be off, blurts out) I can’t stay. I want to because I really feel we have a connection (really Michelle? Is it a connection or desperation that you are feeling?)To be here this long and not really kiss you hurts me.

Jake: You decided once already to pack up your bags and leave and now tonight you said again that you want to leave. I think it would be better if you just leave.

Michelle: I can’t believe you are doing this. I really didn’t think it was going to end up this way

Jake: (speaking to the camera) Michelle was asking me to send her home, so I did. Her plan obviously backfired but I don’t want someone here that doesn’t really know if she wanted to be here.

Michelle: He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue this was coming. I wanted to kiss him, and I really mean kiss him…all I got was a peck. What was that all about?

Clearly…she didn’t get it and may never get it. Poor girl. I truly hope she has a good family and great friends at home that will take the cues of this crazy woman and admit her somewhere and get her some good help…because God knows, it’s clear to everyone, but her, that she needs it!

Jake: (speaking to the camera again) I really felt like I was making the right decision, so booting her out was easy. She was looking for love, but doesn’t know how to get there.

Status: Asked to Deplane

ONE ON ONE Date #2 with Ella

Ella’s date day finally arrives. Jake goes on and on about how much of a sacrifice she is making to be here. Ella is so shocked that they are picked up by a helicopter. Really Ella? Have you not ever seen past seasons of the Bachelor? Ella goes on and on about how great Jake is and how incredibly honest he is. Really Ella? He is dating 15 other women, what about that says “incredibly honest?”

Jake takes Ella to Sea World. Ella is overwhelmed with excitement when Jake says he has a surprise for her. She has no idea that Jake has brought in her son for the day…he was shocked about how excited she was to see her son…The situation was kind of corny but it was cute. Jake did get a long with Ethan and they seemed to connect. Unlike the scenario I see playing out if I were in Ella’s situation. Here is a snipit of what I visualize if it were me in Ella’s positon…

Jake: I have a surprise for you my beautiful Julie

Julie: OMG! What ever could it be Jake?

Jake: Look behind you

Julie: (with a look of oh shit on my face) OMG! I’m so excited to see my beautiful boys…I miss you so much

Gibson: Hey Jake, do you know what kind of chicken I like best?

Jake: No Gibson, what kind of chicken?

Gibson: The fried kind because I am a breast and leg man

Gibson: (moving in closer to Jake, whispering in his ear) Did you hear that Jake?

Jake: (while Gibson runs away giggling) No Gibson, I didn’t hear anything

Gibson: Well take a big wiff Jake because I just crop dusted you! Sucka! (for those of you that don’t know what crop dusting is, it’s when someone farts silently near you and then walks away…classy, I know)

This, my friends, is exactly why I would NEVER EVER be on any show that was nationally televised!

Eventually Jake and Ella boot the kid out to go play with a cheap paper airplane that Jake had given him so that they can have a little serious one on one time. Bad part about bringing your kid on a first date, besides the crop dusting, is the lack of kissing…just quiet hugs…Now hugs are good, but kisses are better!

Status: Cleared for Landing (my prediction is that she will be gone next week)


Jake pulls Elizabeth aside to try to get some clarification to the confusion he is experiencing with her.

Jake: I feel like I am sitting here with the queen of mixed signals. I think you are playing games with me. You are definitely confusing me. You have many different sides.

Elizabeth: I want to kiss you but it’s hard because I have a jealous side (oh, that clarification helped!)

Jake: I feel like people who do this kind of thing for spiritual reasons are cool, but that’s not why I think you are keeping me at a distance

Elizabeth: It’s not spiritual…I just want to know that I’m the only one you want before you kiss me. Do you want to kiss me?

Jake: Look tease! I’ve had enough!

Elizabeth: (laughing) Do you want to kiss me?

Jake: I’m confused!

Elizabeth: I know you want to kiss me.

Enter Vienna: Thank God someone came along to put us all out of our misery of this game of tease that Elizabeth is playing with Jake. But Elizabeth isn’t done…she comes back for more…

Elizabeth: Look Jake, I’m not vanilla…I’m all different colors of the rainbow. I can get a date any day of the week but I’m not looking for dates, I’m looking for love

Jake: Ok…but what does that have to do with colors of the rainbow?

Elizabeth: I don’t’ understand why you are pressuring me to kiss you Jake

Jake: pfffttt….stop dangling your affections in front of me like a carrot, bitch!

Hello Elizabeth…you are teasing him…he doesn’t want a kiss, you’re the one who thinks he wants to kiss you when in fact what he really wants to do is escort your ass to the minivan/taxi waiting out front for you. Jake looks deflated as he joins the other girls at the cocktail party…Hello ladies, get that boy a drink!

Rose Ceremony:

Cleared for Landing:


Asked to deplane:

On Elizabeth’s way out the door…

Jake: I’m so sorry. I had to go with my heart.

Elizabeth: I should have kissed you.

Jake: Damn it Bitch! You aren’t leaving because you wanted to/didn’t want to kiss me…you are leaving tonight because you are a big effing tease! Now where is that ABC intern…I need a cocktail!

Ahh the drama…I’m already anxiously awaiting next weeks episode!

1 comment:

  1. lol. I needed that. I have a hard time siting thru a whole episode of the bachelor.. im just gonna read your recaps from now on!
    coming over from Sits...



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