Ok…I have to admit. It is five minutes before the start of The Bachelor, week #2 and I am dying of anticipation. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning anxiously waiting at the top of the stairs while my parents prepare the house for Christmas morning magic. Come on! Come on! I think I may pee my pants I’m so excited.
Did I just say that out loud? How embarrassing!
Week #2, 15 women remaining…let the cat fight, jealousy, making out and tears begin.
Our host, Chris comes in to meet the group of giddy girls after their first night in the Swingers Club…ahem…Bachelorette Hous,e and shares the rules with them. Each week there will be dates and a rose at stake at each date. He reminds the girls to take advantage of their time with Jake because not everyone will get the opportunity to go on a date each week.
The first date card arrives and you would have thought Ryan Reynolds had just walked into the house…the screeching and giggling was enough to make me want to claw my eyes out. Anyway, the first date cards reads: A picture is worth a thousand words. The girls chosen are Gia (Resident Slut), Roz (Little Rose), Valisha (Reality Check), Corrie (SJP), Christina (Bee-otch), and Ashleigh H (Jack Tripper), a good mix of girls. Once the names were read the ABC Camera man immediately pans over to Michelle (Resident Psycho) because his instinct is that she is already fuming with anger that she didn’t get picked for the first date, and he was right.
Group Date #1- InStyle Phot Shoot
Jake pulls up to the house in a stretch Cadillac SUV limo. He gets out of the vehicle and I immediately think “yummy” until they pan down and I get a good look at his entire outfit. His pants, waaaaay to tight and his shirt is unbuttoned down to his navel. I think to myself, John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever while quietly reprimanding the ABC Stylist in my head.
Jake and the girls head to an InStyle photo shoot. Christiana (Bee-otch) is immediately nervous because she is not a model and is surrounded by models. Maybe it’s all those Jelly Beans she has been eating. According to the photographer, Roz (little rose) is “gorg”…I’m hoping that “gorg” is short for gorgeous and not the word gorge, meaning to pig out. I think he only said that about her because she “accidentally” flashed her “Who Ha” to him while posing with Jake….anything to get ahead, right Roz? The ABC Camera man then pans to the editor and Christina having a discussion on how to enhance Christina’s features. She says “make me skinny with really big boobs!” Nice Christina…Nice!
Christina’s insecurities become painfully obvious to Jake so he, of course, comes to her rescue and puts her at ease. Let the eye rolling and caddiness from the competition begin. She looks at Jake and says “just like prom, all over again”. He looks at her with a…no, no, nothing like prom, I’m not going to have sex with you at the end of the evening, look…he compliments her…she gushes about him…blah, blah,blah!
At the InStyle after party we hear a myriad of conversations, from Gia’s past relationships to Valisha’s at home Bible Studies, to Roz informing us of her game plan to “snag” the rose. Ashleigh H., is refed to as the “bikini buster” gets the party started by asking Jake to change into his swim trunks and join her in the pool. Finally, a naked chest scene! Thank you Bikini Buster! The other girls quickly change and join them in the pool.
I have just one question for you ABC, when are you going to have a Bachelor/Bachelorette for normal women, you know like 5’7 150lbs women…not size 0 and 2 women and not larger women, but average size 10 women? I’m just saying!
Back at the house the doorbell rings and giggling insues. A note and a small package are waiting for the touch of a sweaty palmed hopeful. The note reads: for the lucky girl that gets a one on one date. That’s it…no name on the card, but the necklace inside of the box…holy balls it’s beautiful! Michelle immediately grabs for the necklace and puts it on because she assumes the first girl that puts the necklace on gets the first one on one date…sorry Michelle, it’s not that easy! Wa! Wa! Wa! I laughed my ass off when we hear someone in the background say “oh great the necklace is tainted” as ABC pans to a commercial. Gotta love a friendly competition amongst women!
One last time we pan back to the InStyle Wrap Party and see Christina and Jake cozying up on the couch. Christina is trashed and babbling and the look on Jakes face is priceless. Can you say “see you at the reunion show Christina?” Roz interrupts the embarrassment, Christina is pissed and immediately asks for a shot…Classy Christina, real classy! That’s the way to win your man. Roz and Jake are talking and flirting and Roz goes in for the kiss and a make out session insues. Jake leaves to go get the date rose for Roz. Of course she accepts the Rose, she’s a competitor…what would you expect? In Roz’s interiview after getting the rose she actually says “I’m not caddy but if someone gets in the way I will get ‘em and get em hard”. She then goes on to say she is glad she got the rose because she can now “be herself”…hmmm…shouldn’t you be yourself before you get the rose Roz?
The doorbell rings again back at the house and the date card arrives, it says: Ali, come fly with me….Jake. The ABC camera man immediately pans to Michelle who is shooting Ali daggers. Ali (Peacock) is overwhelmed and tearing up. I will say this a hundred more times in this season…I LOVE ALI! Please don’t screw it up honey, you are so freaking cute!
One-on-One Date with Ali
Jake arrives for his date with Ali on his motorcycle wearing what I think is the largest motorcycle helmet I have ever seen! Thank God he gives it to Ali and puts on a much smaller one when he picks her up for the date. Now she officially looks like a goof and not him.
They arrive at the airport and hop on a single engine prop plane, piloted by Jake of course, and head to Palm Springs and by golly if there wasn’t an “On the Wings of Love” video montage of their flight…Classic! Once they land in Palm Springs they hop in a classic red and white convertible and can I just say again, they look sooooooo freaking cute together! I love their chemistry! It makes me feel like I am watching a Cary Grant/Audrey Hepburn movie. They arrive at a gazebo in the middle of nowhere for dinner and Jake starts the conversation…
Jake: So tell me about your past relationships.
Ali: Can I name them?
Jake:(has a puzzled look on his face but shakes his head yes anyway.)
Ali: Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan and now you…Jake (Jakes eyes grow bigger and bigger with each name)
Back at the house the doorbell rings again and another date card is waiting. The date card reads: Love has it’s ups and downs. The girls chosen to go on the date, Elizabeth (Sporty), Jessie (Flamenco Girl), Kathryn (Fresh Air), Ashley E (Broken Picker), and Vienna (Paris). These choices make for a very awkward moment as Michelle (Resident Psycho), Tenley (Virgin) and Ella (Babby Daddy) realize they aren’t chosen. As predicted the ABC Cameraman plays a voice over of Michelle saying “I am not ordinary like these other women, I’m the nice girl that everyone hates. Jake has showed me that he doesn’t want to be with me, so tough for him.” I immediately think, “this is gonna get good.” Michelle gets up and walks away from the group of girls…I wonder where she is going?
While all this is going on at the house Jake gives Ali the rose at dinner and leans in to kiss her (note: while there have been several “kissing moments” at the house, this is the first kiss that Jake has actually been the instigator of)…you go ALI!!!!!! She is soooo freaking cute, natural, down to earth. Again, I love their chemistry! They are especially cute while dancing around at their private Chicago concert. So sweet! Apparently Jake has inspired Alit to try love again. Afterall, it didn’t work out with Jim, Jason, Jared or Jordan…the fifth “j” should be the charm, right?
Group Date #2: Six Flags Amusement Park
The second group date is at Six Flags. Jake apparently likes group dates because it is perfect for forming friendships and his soul mate must be his friend first. Good line Jake…good line! In typical fashion, during the group date we pan back to the house and Michelle invoking drama by packing her bags. The girls are begging her to stick around (while secretly hoping she goes home) and Michelle isn’t buying it. She says “I’m not getting the chance to hang out with him so what is the purpose of sticking around? (hello…for our entertainment, Psycho) Why would I stay if I can only get five minutes of his time at the cocktail party?” Roz tries to tell her that maybe he has already decided to keep her around and give her a rose. Michelle doesn’t buy it…hello attention whore!
Elizabeth gets the first one on one time with Jake at Six Flags. And because she is a lot like me and better with the written word than the spoken word she pulls a handwritten note out of her pocket and reads it to him word for word in a very unemotional monotone voice. (note: I’m in the fetal postion hiding behind my couch right now, I’m so emberassed for her) She reads her note, blah, blah, blah and the only thing I catch her saying is “please don’t kiss me until you are ready to admit that It’s me and only me that you want to kiss. This doesn’t mean I am not into you, I just want you to understand from where I am coming.” Jake thinks it’s cute. I think she is crazy. Let me place my bet now that she will instigate their first kiss and it will be either this episode or the third episode…mark my words people. We all know he is secretly asking himself, how long do I keep her around and not look like an idiot for kicking her off because she won’t let me make out with her?”
Vienna has a shocker of a secret to tell Jake too. So she pulls him aside to tell him that when she was in high school she was engaged to her Pastors Son. They broke it off when she was just 17 and the boy immediately turned around (within a month) and married someone else and had a kid. So she did what every typical high school girl would do and rebelled by running off and eloping…she was just 17. She was divorced within four months. Jake didn’t even get time to react when Ashley (Broken Picker) brings Jake a Margaritta. There is absolutely no spark between Jake and Ashley. She even admitted she gave him the “you can kiss me look” and got nothing but a hug from him. Ouch! Much to everyone’s dismay Elizabeth gets the rose. He dismisses all of the girls except for Elizabeth because he has s special surprise for her. I hope it isn’t a kiss Jake, because you aren’t going to get that! They go and sit on a bench to talk and the cheesiest fireworks display lights up the sky. Elizabeth asks Jake if he wants to kiss her, he says yes, she says she wants to kiss him too, he says he respects her not wanting to kiss him and goes in for the awkward forehead kiss. Classic Jake!
The cocktail party
Elizabeth and Roz are both cocky bitches about getting their roses. In fact Roz actually says, on camera, “I don’t have to worry about whether or not I am staying because I have a rose bee-otch”.
Jake arrives and immediately steals Ella away to surprise her with a cheesy birthday cupcake. Ella thinks Jake makes her heart smile and that they have an unbelievable connection. Tenley steals Jake away in hopes of having the opportunity to tell him that she has been married and divorced. He immediately asks her about her past relationships and she freezes. Hello, open door…just slammed in your face. She walks away without sharing her big secret with Jake. In the meantime, Michelle is demanding to the girls that Jake come and get her to talk. He must have sensed her evil request and shows up to take her away for a little one on one. Michelle gets a few special moments and gets visibly pissed when Christina comes to steal Jake away. Michelle’s desperation is scary!
Chris, the host interrupts the caddy girls and pulls Roz outside.
Chris: Do you know why I pulled you out here?
Roz: No (oh come on Roz…I think you know why you are out there)
Chris: you have entered into an inappropriate relationship with one of our staffers. He has been fired. We feel it is impossible for you to be able to form a meaningful relationship with Jake.
Roz: so you think there are no other girls that fell for other people before coming on the show
Chris: no that’s not what I’m saying. What you did was have an inappropriate relationship with a staffer after already coming onto the show.
Roz: I don’t think my personal life is anyone else’s business (really Roz?)
Chris: We take this seriously. A line was crossed with our staffer.
Roz: I’m not going to say anything else, it puts me in a bad position (you think?)
Chris: we aren’t judging, we are just trying to deal with the situation. Bottom line, we feel because of what happened it is impossible for you to continue on the show. Does this make sense? We need you to leave tonight. I know you received a rose so you aren’t packed. Go pack your stuff a van is waiting.
Roz: I didn’t do anything deceitful. It just happened. Ok. Bye!
Wow! Clearly Roz doesn’t get it. But I do love the fact that she has a 400lb guy watching over her as she packs her stuff up. Chris goes to tell Jake and he is visibly shaken. Jake is pissed that he wasted his time with Roz. Jake and Chris tell the girls together and immediately tears and anger start spilling out of them. Jake apologizes and Michelle steps up and says “well I’m sorry too…I’m just here to get to know you Jake.” Hello…awkward! Tenly breaks down because she relates this deception back to her being deceived by her ex-husband. Someone is going to have to pull her out of her puddle of tears for the rose ceremony. All I can say is “girls pull yourselves together. If someone were really smart they would go find Jake and help him lick his wounds.” But of course, no one is that smart
The drama…the anticipation…the music…oi vei!
Cleared for landing: Ali (Peacock)
Gia (Resident Slut)
Ella (Baby Daddy)
Valisha (Reality Check)
Jessie (Flamenco Girl)
Ashleigh H. (Jack Tripper)
Michelle (Resident Psycho)
Asked to deplane: Christina (Bee-otch) at least she has the jelly beans to console her
Ashley (Broken Picker)
Roz (Little Rose)
Whew! Another week down…Im already looking forward to next week.