Birthday memories (REPOST)

Today would have been my mom's 68th birthday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her in some way or another. I so wish she were here with us today. She would have loved being a grandma! This picture of her is my absolute favorite! She is carrying me and holding my twin brothers hand. We are about 1 1/2in this picture. I could only wish that my body looked like that 18 months after having one child.

My mom was a teacher her whole life. She absolutely loved kids and loved her job. She was not only a teacher Monday thru Friday from 9 to 5 but she was also a wonderful teacher on the home front.

I have to admit, it is tough being a mother without having my own mom in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have other women in my life that I can, and do, go to for motherly advice, but I can only dream of going to my mom when the going gets tough. And some days that is a tough pill to swallow. As I reflect back on the memories of my mom and the awesome life she not only lived, but help provide for me and my brothers, I can't help but be reminded of the things she taught me early on that have stuck with me today. I thought it would be fun to share some of them with you here. You're Welcome!

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me about religion.
"You better pray that that stain will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into tomorrow!"

My mother taught me about reason.
"Because I said so, that's why!"

My mother taught me about logic.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you are not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me about foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you get in an accident."

My mother taught be about irony.
"Keep crying and I will give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your dinner!"


My mother taught me about contortionism.
"Will you look at that dirt behind your ears?"

My mother taught me about stamina.
"You will sit there until your plate is clean."

My mother taught me about the weather.
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me about the circle of life.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of this world."

My mother taught me about behavior modification.
"Stop acting like your father."

My mother taught me about anticipation.
"Just you wait until we get home!"

My mother taught me about sex.
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about my roots.
"What, do you think you were born in a barn?"

And the one lesson my mom taught me that I never believed would come to fruition...

My mother taught me about justice.
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Being a single parent can be tough at times. The worst part is not having that someone there that you can rely on to talk you down from the moments of stress. You know, like when one of your beautiful kids spills hot chocolate on the freshly cleaned carpets…yeah, it’s moments like these that I often need that person to take my hand, lead me to another room and remind me to count to ten before reacting.

My biggest struggle as a single parent, however, is that I am only one person trying to accommodate two very busy, active and energetic boys. Most days I am up at 6am and running non-stop until 10pm, often times running errands related to my kids even at lunch, with little or no time for myself. I am often wiped out by the time my head hits the pillow.

My life revolves around my kids! I can’t help it…it just does. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Quite frankly there is nothing that pleases me more than my kids being healthy, active and individual boys who love life, their family, and God equally. I’ve worked hard at that! Often times I look back at my marriage and wonder if the fact that I put the boys ahead of my husband was the reason behind our divorce. I still don’t know, I may never know, but it is the closure I had to give myself in order to move on to a healthier life.

I don’t regret anything I have done in my life!

In the early stages of being a single mom, this role of “being at my kid’s beck and call 24 hours a day” caused a huge imbalance in my life. I struggled to find time for me, let alone others in my life. Looking back, I probably would have been remarried by now if I could have found the balance between being a single mom and being a vibrant outgoing single woman.

But I just couldn’t figure out how to do it without feeling guilty!

I can’t tell you how many times I would cancel on my friends at the last minute or just flat out turn them down because I was invited to do something on a night that I had my kids. At the time, all I could think about was the fact that I had so few awake hours with them a week, that I didn’t want to waste one moment away from them. I often felt guilty leaving them on “my time”. In fact, when they were little and napped, my “me time” became those few precious hours a day that they would sleep. Unfortunately those precious hours diminished quickly and so did my “me time”.

But then I discovered something very powerful. Something that I wish I would have learned a lot earlier in my life as a single woman. I learned that it is ok to go out on nights that you have your kids. Now…don’t take this as permission to do this all of the time, but on occasion it is good to let your kids see you going out for the evening. And by going out, I don’t mean going out on a drunken binge or going out and not coming home until the wee hours of the morning or anything crazy like that. But it is definitely ok to go out on a date, or have a girls night, or even a spa treatment or two.

It is ok! Trust me!

It is ok to drop the kids off at grandma and grandpas, or to hire a babysitter. People do it all of the time. And you know what, I’m a better mom when I do it. And my kids…well, I think it is good for them to see me get dressed up and go out for the evening. At some point, they need to realize that you have a life that doesn’t solely revolve around them.

It’s healthy for everyone!

Ever since I have incorporated that balance in my life, I have become a much happier woman and a much better mom. Unfortunately I’m kind of in a funk right now and won’t be practicing what I preach anytime soon, but trust me it is definitely good for the soul!

Divorce is never good...

…unless it’s your future second husband that is getting divorced!

Hello…am I the only one celebrating the break up of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansen? I never thought they were that cute together, but I never fought Scarlett for him either, because, let’s be honest here…she could probably kick my ass in less than 10 seconds.

I actually do hate the fact that they are separating…it saddens me when people get divorced, no matter what the situation…it’s never easy! But it's like I always say, "one person's trash is another person's treasure."

I do want to thank all of my fans and blog followers who kept me apprised of the situation last night. So far, I have received fifty plus emails, text messages and phone calls from you all wishing me luck with my future, 2nd husband. Ok…he may not be attainable, but he will always remain #1 on my list of three famous people that I am allowed to sleep with…no matter what my relationship status.

I originally had an article ready to post today on the most important lesson I have learned as a single parent, but I thought it might be more important to list the Top Ten Reasons Why I Think I Am the Perfect Partner for Ryan Reynolds., you know, in case he reads my blog.

Enjoy! I know I did…

10. Like me, he is afraid to fly! Nothing like supporting each other on our many trips back and forth to Canada to visit his family!

9. As I wrote in one of my posts last week, I have become a major magnet for emotionally unavailable men, and newly separated is basically the same as emotionally unavailable.

8. We would make ADORABLE babies. Apparently, this is what our child will look like…you decide! (don't judge me because I figured out how to morph our pictures together, you wish you would have thought of it first )



7. The letter “A” happens to be my absolute favorite letter in the alphabet…and my future husband looks fabulous dressed as my favorite letter on Sesame Street…come on, doesn’t everyone have a favorite letter?



6. I will be his shoulder to cry on, no matter what the situation…by the way, did I mention that that particular shoulder will be bare Ryan? And it’s big…not in a manly kind of way, but big in a supportive kind of way.

5. I am all about being a team. You see when Scarlett said “It was my mission to have a moment of privacy, to do something for myself,” when talking about your wedding, I knew you two were doomed. Do you hear the “me” and the “myself” in that statement? I'm just saying...

4. I hear that one of their issues was that Ryan was ready to have a baby and Scarlet wanted to focus on her career…there is that selfishness again…anyway, back to my point, I may almost be 40, but for Ryan, I would postpone my tummy tuck and have a child with him. You saw up above how adorable our kids would be.

3. Ryan has already been named the “Most Eligible Bachelor” of 2010…I know, Hollywood doesn’t waste any time. Well, lucky for Ryan, I am the Most Eligible Bachelorette in Fishers, IN…it’s his lucky day!

2. My friends already adore you and are very supportive of a future together. Trust me Ryan, this doesn’t come easy…my girlfriends don’t like everyone I date.

And the number one reason why I think I am the perfect rebound for Ryan Reynolds...

1. He was just nominated Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, and I have recently been told (my source will remain nameless, but let’s just say, he was a very reliable source at the time) that I have "gotten sexier with age". I was never good at math, correct me if I am wrong, but I do believe:

Sexiest Man Alive + Has Gotten Sexier With Age = True Love

So Ry Ry…hang in there, and by hang in there, I mean “text me”…these will be some tough months for you ahead!

Traditions elfing rock!

The holidays for me are sort of bitter sweet because they remind me so much of my mom. Not only did my mom LOVE Christmas, but she also celebrated her birthday and her wedding anniversary in the month of December. It was her absolute favorite time of year, and because of that I can’t help but get a little sad every time the holidays come around. I miss her more in the month of December than I do any other time of year. She loved the tradition of cooking, family and celebrating. I try to carry on those traditions, but they aren’t quite the same without her.

Her three favorite Christmas traditions that I try my best to carry on are:

1. Send Christmas cards to those that we love
2. Make endless amounts of cookies
3. Attend as many holiday parties as possible

This week, in honor of my mom, I am going to be partaking in all of the above.
Last night Gibson and I made almost two hundred cookies for my annual Girls Night In Cookie Exchange. I think I still may have some cookie dough underneath my fingernails. I will let you know for sure later in the day when I have a hankering for something sweet. They are made, bagged in cute little Christmas bags, and ready to share with the best of girlfriends, along with a glass or two or three of wine.

And the Christmas cards…those went out over the weekend. Sending and receiving Christmas cards is the ultimate tradition of the year. I love getting Christmas cards from my friends that I see every day, but I love receiving cards from those that I never get to see even more. And of course, it’s always fun to get one from those whom you would never expect to get one from. It’s fun to look back every year at the cards. Sometimes we cry at the memories but most of the time we laugh at how much our loved ones have changed over the years. Each year I spend an abnormal amount of time choosing the perfect card. Each year I say without fail, “this is by far the best card I have ever sent out.” And this year, wasn't any different.

Thought I would share it with you.

Here is the front...



...and the back (this is a true depiction of what goes on at my house on a daily basis)



But my favorite tradition of all is, of course, the Christmas parties. I am social by nature but usually don’t get out much during the year. I think I have hit the stage in my life where I would rather sit at home with a good glass of wine than go to the bars. So I take every advantage in the month of December to get out and socialize and celebrate. This week I have three separate parties to attend, yeah, I’m that popular! But more importantly, it gives me the opportunity to shop for the perfect dress and shoes! And we all know I love to shop.

Selfishly, I love it when traditions benefit me in some way!

Cheers!

A funny thing happened on the way to independence

So you all know that this weekend I was determined to prove to myself yet again that I don’t necessarily need a man in my life.

Well guess what happened?

It was an epic FAIL!

I made the mistake of taking on the heavy task of flipping my mattress first thing Sunday morning. Big mistake! HUGE! Yep, I managed to do some damage to my back. It makes me feel very old and humiliated in a way. Kind of like how my mom must have felt when I was young and she threw her back out while taping a garage sale sign to a box in the driveway.

Yeah…that kind of humiliation!

Thank God when my kids got home from their dads they were able to drag the mattress back to its original spot.

My back and my brain are pissed at me for not accepting the offer of help with stuff around the house. I have been living on double doses of Advil, and maybe even a little prescribed pain medicine left over from a trip to the ER a couple of years ago, since Sunday morning. And to top it off, I’m walking around like a cowboy who just got off a 24 hour road trip on the back of a horse.

It’s not pretty!

I’m kicking myself right now for being so stubborn and trying to prove that I can be independent and do the chores on my own that were definitely intended for a man.

But it gets even better…I was a mess this morning while shoveling snow from my driveway.

Why did I do it if my back hurt, you might ask?

Because I had no other choice!

I tried to get out of my garage without shoveling, but the snow had drifted and I couldn’t. I laid in bed listening to my neighbor plow his driveway while sending desperate pleas his way, through mental telepathy, hoping that he would plow my drive way too.

It didn’t work.

I’m sure if I would have asked he would have helped me out, but I couldn’t do it…because I don’t know how to ask for or accept help when it is offered to me!

You see, ever since my divorce, independence is one thing that I swore I would never let go of. From day one, I was determined to not be one of those women that couldn’t survive unless I had a man in my life. I taught myself how to start a lawn mower, change a tire, and even chop down a tree (with a chainsaw of course). I was determined to never ever be put in a situation that I couldn’t handle. And here it is almost five and a half years of independence later and I finally found the one thing that I cannot accomplish on my own…flipping a freaking mattress!

I HATE asking for help!

I guess my brothers now have something to look forward to when they come for Christmas this year. I’m still a strong independent woman if my brothers help me flip my mattress, right?

Oh yeah…Mark & Alec, I will also need you to help me fix my computer, change the showerhead on my shower, and show me how to put air in the tires of my car while you are here…

This is just me being independent!

Note to Self Friday

Remember, you don’t NEED a man to have a complete life! You may want one, but you don’t NEED one!

This is something that I need to remind myself of almost every single day. So to help keep me on track this weekend, I vow to complete all of the chores I have on my “Honey Do” list that I have patiently been waiting for my imaginary boyfriend to complete. This is a list that has been growing for a few months and I just can’t wait around any longer for the perfect man to come along and help me…so I’m determined to tackle it on my own on Sunday. However, if my loyal readers were to show up on my doorstep with an offer to help, you wouldn’t be turned away!

1. Change the batteries in all of my smoke detectors . I hate chores that involve a step ladder.
2. Change all blown out light bulbs that are too high to reach without a step ladder.
3. Dust ceiling fans.
4. Put up remaining outdoor Christmas decorations.
5. Put tree topper on the Christmas tree.
6. Clean out exterior dryer vent.
7. Put air in my tires.
8. Clean the inside of my car.
9. Change the filter in my furnace.
10. Flip the mattress of my ginormous king size bed.

On a side note…if you don’t see a new blog post from me early next week…send help. It only means that I dropped the mattress while trying to flip it and am stuck between it and the box spring, bring water with you as I am sure I will be dehydrated by the time you reach me.

Nothing says I love you like Sports Center

Those of you that read my blog regularly know that I was destined to be a mom of boys. I love the dirt, the energy, the sports talk and yes even the crop dusting. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily like crop dusting, but I love the fact that when my kids do it, they laugh hysterically each and every time, like it was the first time they had ever done it. I’m more of a mom that likes to throw the football around in the back yard than play barbies. I would much rather be creek walking than taking the dolls out for a stroll, and I would definitely rather make mud pies, than bake cookies in the kitchen. And the thought of taking my daughter clothes shopping completely overwhelms me. I know how I was as a kid, or as an adult, for that matter, when it comes to shopping. Right now, I’m glad that my boys like T-shirts and sweat pants…easy peasy lemon squeezy!

As you can imagine, the most difficult thing for me to deal with as a single mom is the fact that I don’t get to spend a lot of quality time with my boys. If you take into consideration that I work full time as well as the amount of time that they spend weekly with their dad…all in all, I get only a good quality 30 hours or so a week of time to spend with them. And with two boys currently in three different basketball leagues, it cuts away from our quality time together even more.

Bottom Line: every waking moment with them is very valuable!

Another frustration is that I am limited in my ability to participate in school functions, like volunteering in their classrooms, or meeting them for lunch in the cafeteria, or even being a chaperone on a class field trip. So I had to find a way to participate with them and their school functions in other ways. Lucky for us, every month our school has nights at local restaurants where you can donate a portion of your check back to the school. I’m all about this kind of fundraiser. Not only does it include quality time with my kids over a meal, but it also allows me to give back to the school financially.

It’s a win win situation in my book.

So the other night we bundled up and went down the street to a local restaurant full of excitement to spend quality time together. Ok, I was excited, but Hamilton and Gibson, not so much. They were ticked at me that I made them turn off Sports Center so that we could go somewhere else to “talk about our day”. Gibson wondered why we just couldn’t just “talk about our day” during the commercials.

This did not make me happy. (Mental Note: starting Jan. 1 we are back to our old rule of ½ hour of TV a night before bed…no more)

When we get to the restaurant Hamilton is pouting because I made him turn off the TV before we could see the recap of Peyton Manning throwing about a gazillion interceptions…who wants to see that over and over again? And Gibson was ticked because I wouldn’t let him bring his DS into the restaurant. He justified it by saying this:

“But mom, you are going to tell me your day was great, I’m going to tell you that I loved gym and lunch the best at school, Hamilton is going to tell you how bored he was at school and that will take 5 minutes. What are we going to talk about after that?”

The kid had a point…but I wasn’t falling for it. I remind them again how much fun we are going to have and asked them kindly to remove the frowns off of their faces before we entered the restaurant. They obliged…but not happily.

Until, of course, we walked into the restaurant. I had no idea… it was a sports bar! Their eyes lit up like they had just seen Santa on Christmas morning. I believe this picture below is a good representation of how much fun we had spending quality time with each other that evening.



Good times…good good times!

Always, sometimes, never

I ALWAYS...

...Struggle to get out of bed in the morning, whether I wake up on my own or by an alarm clock.

...Get excited when a KISS song comes on the radio or my iPod.

...Love the idea of an adult beverage…hey, it’s 5pm somewhere, right?

...get a little sad when my kids go to their dads house.

...Say yes to the prospect of a blind date, even though I have never, and I mean NEVER, been on a good one.

...Want to suggle.

...Question the decisions I make in my personal life.

...Have someone in my life that I constantly think about. One day it could be my kids, or friends, or a secret lover…but no matter what, I am always thinking about someone else.


I SOMETIMES...

...Wonder what my life would be like now if I had done a few things different.

...Wish I weren't so stubborn.

...Talk to myself at work.

...Miss people too much…especially people whom I know I shouldn’t miss.

...Make decisions because it’s what I want, not because it is what is right.

...Need to spend an entire day alone in order to regroup.

...Feel the need to be a rebel even though the consequences of this behavior is often not good.

...Eat ice cream for dinner.



I NEVER

...Wear underwear (well, except when I am in a dressing room trying on clothes)

...Spank my kids

...Used to like cooked spinach until I cooked it myself, now I’m addicted.

...Want to forget what it feels like to fall in love.

...Get tired of hearing my kids giggle.

...Get tired of kissing.

...Go to bed angry.

...Have enough hours in the day.

I would rather

Go naked than wear fur

Be hot than cold

Be single and alone than alone in a relationship

Write than read

Get the flu than get a flu shot

Stay at home by myself on a Saturday night than hang out at a bar

Vacation in Hawaii on the beach than on the slopes in Tahoe

Be hungry than feel stuffed

Be stuck in an elevator than on a packed plane on the runway

Go into the office early than work late

Date an early bird than a night owl

Sit through a 2 hour horror flick than 2 hours of airplane turbulence

Have a romantic dinner out than breakfast in bed

Go without good food for a month than good sex for a month (unfortunately it’s not always my choice)

I would rather gain 10 pounds than give up sex

I would rather date a tech savvy stud than a poet

Date a funny guy than a rich guy

Run into my ex’s than run into his ex’s

Have sex than watch TV (unless that TV show is about Ryan Reynolds)

Jet off to someplace exotic than take a road trip

Have a full dinner than just drinks on a first date

Have a hot night in than a sweet picnic outdoors

Get more vacation time than make more money

Date a Mr. Fix It than a fantastic cook

Have sex with the lights off than on

Have a relaxing vacation than an adventurous trip

Wear heels than flats on a date

Date a guy that was funny than rich

Have the power of invisibility than flight

Have my ex-boyfriend be nice to me than mean to me

Be hilariously funny than drop dead gorgeous

Send a text than make a phone call

Be a well known author than a celebrity

Take a drive than a short plane trip

Have the greatest friends ever than be the most popular girl at the bar

Travel back in time than travel into the future

Have one really long term relationship being in love and risk getting hurt in the end than have multiple short term relationships with a bit of variety

Have a full bank account than lots of stuff

Have parents that were poor and loved me than were rich and gave me everything I wanted

Emotional Unavailability

I’ve been there…many times! In fact, I can remember way back when I was dating Mr. Buckeye, I swore I wasn’t this person. I swore I was emotionally available. He called me on it, I thought he was crazy. But after years of continuing therapy, I realized I was emotionally unavailable. I was, at the time, still hung up on my Ex husband. But I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. All I could see was the trees.

I don’t know what it is about me now, but for some reason I am a man magnet of sorts, but only of the emotionally unavailable kind.

I am the kind of girl that always seems to attract these kinds of men. I think maybe it’s because I’m a caretaker and nurturer by nature. You see, I have a tendency to think I can fix everything and everyone. Unfortunately for me, this characteristic tends to bite me in the butt more often than not. Often times with the emotionally unavailable man I tend to become the counselor in the relationship. They end up getting free therapy, get through their issues and move on. Me, on the other hand, I get left in the wind with a “WTF just happened” look on my face wondering where it all went wrong.

My definition of the Emotionally Unavailable Man (or woman, for that matter)is somebody who has some or all of the following qualities:

• Is good looking, self-confident, funny, successful, and quite possibly makes your heart skip a few beats.
• Is either married, in a relationship, or not quite over a past relationship.
• Is very reliant on text messages as your main form of communication
• Is in control of the time you spend together, you never seem to know when you will see him
• Lives with his ex
• Always has excuses for why you two can’t see each other (even though they are probably legitimate excuses, they are still excuses.)
• Makes you feel empty after you sleep with him (this feeling may come days later)
• Has a very strict routine that he just can’t/won’t deviate from
• Determines the momentum of the relationship
• Only sees you when it is convenient for him
• At times disappears for days…usually long enough for you to get over him and then he suddenly reappears again
• Is quick out of the gate to pursue you and get your attention and then often backs off
• Seems to always have a ton of stuff going on that he has to deal with.

I always say there are no bad relationships as long as you have learned something about yourself through the process. What I have learned about emotionally unavailable men this past year, because I’ve dated a couple, is that they were emotionally unavailable before they met me, while they were dating me, and more than likely after we are no longer an item. I’ve learned the hard way that more than likely, these emotionally unavailable men aren’t going to be able to morph into a healthy, loving, available good relationship with me or the next woman no matter how hard they try or how much we want them too.

My mistake with these types of men, is knowing early on that they are emotionally unavailable, but seeing that there is potentially a guy, deep down inside, that I have always wanted. So I start investing in the fantasy of who he will be if I just take it slow, be understanding of his situations, and show a little patience.

NO MORE! Oh no, 2011 is going to be the year of the new me. No more accepting bullshit! No more second guessing myself. If my gut tells me one thing, I'm going with it. I’ve learned so much this year about myself and the people I allow into my life. And I promise, I won't let these lessons go to waste!

Quick, someone give me a pop quiz so that I can show you what I have learned!

Note to Self Friday

Just a reminder...if you accept bull shit in your life you will receive bull shit! I'm just saying!

Today's post is dedicated to my all time favorite Christmas movie ever, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. In fact, it may even be my all time favorite movie ever.

So sit back, relax, grab a cup of eggnog and enjoy my Top Ten Favorite quotes from the movie.

10. "Thank you dad for teaching me everything I know about exterior illumination." (Clark Griswold)

9. Rusty: "Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard."
Clark: "It's not going in the back yard Russ, it's going in the living room."

8. Clark: "Burn some dust here...eat my rubber"
Rusty: "Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust."
Clark: "Whatever, Russ, whatever!

7. "I'm gonna park the cars, check the luggage, and well...I'll be outside for the season." (Clark Griswold)

6. Clark: "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
Eddie: "Naw, I'm doin just fine, Clark."

5. (as an entourage of suits, led by Clark's boss pass by him single file) "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, kiss your ass, Happy Hanukkah." (Clark Griswold)

4. Eddie: (talking about his dog Snot) "If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day he dies."
Clark: "I really shouldn't Eddie. My hands are all chapped."

3. Audrey: "Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?"
Ellen: "Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic, Audrey."

2. "You want to hurry this up Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off." (Art, Ellen's father)

And my number one favorite quote from Christmas Vacation is...


"Where do you think you are going? Nobody is leaving. Nobody is walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house." (Clark Griswold)

Now if that just doesn't wreak Christmas spirit...I don't know what would!

20 Things

A couple of years ago the “25 things you don’t know about me” phenomenon took over Facebook. I loved reading my friends lists. Reading them made me feel like sort of a vouyer into their lives. I can honestly say that I learned new things about each and every one of my friends while reading their lists. But what I didn’t realize is that I also learned many things about my friends that I didn’t want to know. Things that either made me want to laugh hysterically or say things like “really?” or “oh no he didn’t” or even “WTF?”

Between you and me, to this day, I still look at some of my friends in a different light after reading their lists.

So for my own pleasure…ok, and maybe yours too, I decided to stalk my Facebook friends again and re-read all of the “25 things you didn’t know about me” posts and came up with my own list of:

“20 things I wish I didn’t know about my friends”: (sorry, I could only find 20 that were worth sharing).

1. I was fat in middle school. The wake of that horror has yet to go away.

2. The most famous person I have ever run into while living in LA is Bruce Willis. He was with his daughters Rumor, Secret, Honor and Tango…or whatever the hell their names are.

3. My grandma once told me I was her favorite. I also heard her telling my other siblings the same thing. I cried when I realized she lied to me.

4. When I was little I pretended my bike was a horse named “Giddy Up”. My nickname as an adult is still Giddy Up.

5. I can’t take guys who wear turtle necks seriously.

6. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.

7. I’m secretly addicted to the “ass slap” dance move. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m doing it.

8. I love gummy bears only when I rip the heads off first.

9. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.

10. I sometimes like to tape my thumbs to my hands and pretend to be a dinosaur.

11. I’m writing this list for sympathy and attention.

12. When I was a kid I stole one of my moms bra’s, adopted it as my own and gave it the name “Skimpy”. I was devastated when she threw it away when I was twelve.

13. I listen to the soundtrack of Annie in the mornings when I’m getting ready for work. I turned 40 last week.

14. A horse fell over once while I was riding it.

15. I used to be so arrogant and in order to feel far more superior than everyone else, I bought Donald Trump toilet paper.

16. I once ran over my friends cat for a pan of brownies.

17. I eat hamburgers with a fork. I swear this is the reason my fiancé left me.

18. I cry during Will Ferrell movies.

19. I’ve always wondered if I could sell one of my kidney on ebay.

20. I peed the bed until I was 13.

I'm just a girl who

I’m just a girl whose first love as a child was books.

I’m just a girl who values relationships of any kind. Whether it be between two friends, a mother and son, or lovers, relationships are on the top of my “most valuables” list.

I’m just a girl who overanalyzes everything to death…I can’t help it…it’s a part of my DNA.

I’m just a girl who sometimes uses my exterior happiness to cover up my inner insecurities.

I’m just a girl who sometimes doesn’t think before I act.

I’m just a girl who sees the good in everyone.

I’m just a girl who wants a man to see her value and fight for her.

I’m just a girl who sometimes jumps to conclusions before I know all of the facts.

I’m just a girl who has been known to be stubborn at times.

I’m just a girl who wants nothing more than the love and support of a man in my life, but knows I don’t need that love and support to be whole.

I’m just a girl who finds comfort in everything being just so.

I’m just a girl who is fiercely loyal to those I love. When I’m in, I’m in 100%.

I’m just a girl who feels like my expectations of people are sometimes too high, yet refuses to settle for anything less.

I’m just a girl who is protective of my loved ones.

I'm just a girl who values quality time with those that I love more than anything else.

I’m just a girl who will move heaven and earth to try and keep a promise, or I just won’t make the promise.

I’m just a girl who appreciates the little things in life.

I’m just a girl who sees the imperfections in people, but loves them anyway.

I’m just a girl who loves it when my friends and family see the imperfections in me and love me anyway.

I’m just a girl who believes that no one is perfect, but thinks that there is definitely someone out there who is perfect for me.

I’m just a girl who will never like cats…and I mean NEVER, so don’t try to convince me otherwise.

I’m just a girl who will fight to the death for someone I believe in.

I’m just a girl who can forgive but not necessarily forget.

I’m just a girl who still believes in being persued by a man. You will never see me making the first move.

I’m just a girl who is a work in progress!

To ink or not to ink

In my almost forty years, I have never seriously thought about getting a tattoo. When I was married, my Ex told me if I ever got a tattoo he would divorce me. At the time, I knew he was kind of kidding, but I could still sense the seriousness in his statement.

But for some reason, I think I need one now.

Do I have to tell you how much I LOVE tattoos on men! A tattoo on the chest is sexy… oh so sexy! And an arm sleeve, humana...humana...humana, that really gets my blood pumping. Although I like this dramatic statement on men, this is not the kind of tattoo I am considering.

In fact, as few as six months ago I would have adamantly denied the thought of getting a tattoo. But lately, I’m feeling like I need a reminder of sorts as to how far I have come in my journey to living the life I want and I know that I deserve. You see, I am in a season of challenge right now in my life, and I really feel like this subtle reminder, in times of stress, is something that could help get me through.

And heck, I’m already divorced so what’s holding me back, right?

It’s not like I want an arm sleeve or a tattoo running down the side of my neck that says “woooowhoooo look at me”. Oh no, I want something oh so subtle, something that anyone could notice if they were observant, but nothing that you could, let’s say, see from the google earth camera without zooming in on.

I want something that represents me in a sense, something that says courage, strength and beauty all in one, because those three words are the words that have stuck with me throughout my journey. Every day I get up and I praise myself with a silent reminder of these words.

COURAGE: this is what it takes to pick up the pieces of the hand, that I have no control over but have been dealt

STRENGTH: this is what I need every day to not take two steps back with every step forward

BEAUTY: this is what my ex ripped away from me and I have struggled so hard to get back. I promised myself that I would never lose this again.

My problem is this. Once I get this tattoo, I am telling my kids that I think tattoos are ok. As adults, I think tattoos are ok, but as kids and teenagers, I’m not a huge fan.

Maybe I will get it and not tell them.

This will give them the opportunity to be observant.

But something inside me tells me they may never notice it.

Because they both have eyes like their dad, and sometimes can’t see what is right in front of them.

Note to self Friday

: Girl…listen to your kids. They know how to relax and enjoy life.

Enjoy your world through their eyes, it will make everyday more special.

And this note to self is brought to you by this conversation that I had with Gibson, my seven year old.

Me: Gibson, what do you want for dinner?

Gibson: A peanut butter sandwich, please.

Me: Do you want jelly on it?

Gibson: Do you know why “Peanut Butter” are the funniest two words ever?

Me: No, why?

Gibson: well, first of all, it starts with “pee” you know like pee…do I have to explain that to you mom?

Me: No…

Gibson: then there is “nuts” you know, like the “family jewels” that Hamilton got nailed in at basketball the other day

Me: (rolling my eyes)

Gibson: then of course there is “butt”…I know you don’t want me to say that word, but you have to admit, it is funny...

Me: (giving a look of disapproval)

Gibson: (laughing hysterically)

Me: well, don’t keep me in suspense, why is the “er” so funny?

Gibson: Because that is what pirates say and what can be funnier than pirates talking about, pee, nuts, and butts?

I had to laugh!

How can you take life so seriously after this conversation?

Blinded by my thoughts

The other day I was reading one of my favorite blogs.

The author of this particular blog is recovering from a broken engagement to a man she dated for seven years. Most people would choose to go through with a relationship/marriage that they knew wouldn’t work out in the long run rather than cancel the wedding all together. But not her, nope, she called off the wedding two months prior.

I think she has amazing courage.

I would never judge people for going through with a marriage they knew deep down inside wouldn’t work. I know several people that this has happened to. I get it! I really do. In fact, if I were being honest with you, there was a little part of me on my wedding day that questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. But it only took me seconds to push that thought out of my mind and never look back! I am so thankful for the great years that I had with the Ex. And who can be upset with a man that gave me two of the most adorable little boys in the world.

I don’t regret my marriage for a moment!

But, that’s not the point of this post.

This particular post is about this woman who wrote an article about a pond full of beautiful swans. She told a story of her Ex asking her about the beautiful swans on her way to work. And she was dumbfounded. Even though she had been traveling the same route to and from work for two years straight she had never noticed this pond full of beautiful swans. So on her way to work the next morning she made a conscious effort to notice these swans. And there they were! According to her you would practically have to be blind not to notice them. But for some reason, she had never noticed their grace, beauty and elegance.

And of course, this got me thinking.

I usually take one of two routes to work, depending on my morning and what my plans are for the day. I am usually in the car for thirty minutes each way. Thirty uninterrupted beautifully spent minutes. Minutes I use wisely by listening to nothing but the wind in my hair, or music that I want to listen to or NPR, NO Radio Disney. And sometimes, if I know I am going to have a very busy day, I even return work calls so that when I get into the office I am prepared to put in a full day. I realized that because of this busyness in my car, I am probably not aware of the things I should be seeing on my way to work either.

So today I challenged myself to be very aware of my surroundings on my way in. And what I realized is that I need a new route to work!

Not only do I pass the Ass’ house, but I also pass the Hot Fireman’s house, I go by Dracula the Douche’s office, as well as Old Balls office (look for this story coming soon), my dentist office and quite often I pass the Ex on the way out of his neighborhood.

It’s no wonder I can’t move on. I am reminded daily of the crazy dating life I just left behind.

I think today I will take the long way home.

Hot to trot on Thanksgiving

Have I ever told you guys how much I love Thanksgiving? It is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. Turkey, football, wine and family…I can’t wait! I look forward to it every year almost as much as an eight year old does Christmas morning.

This year I am hoping to partake in the Drumstck Dash prior to stuffing my face with Turkey and wine. It’s a local 5K race. I don’t run. I hate to run. But I signed up for the 2011 Mini Marathon that takes place in May and I need to get my ass into shape sooner rather than later, right? It’s only going to be thirty-five degrees windy and rainy on Thanksgiving. I’m predicting some major huffing on the inhaler and a bout with bronchitis next week.

Good times!

And then once I finish the run I will huff it over to the other side of town for a delicious dinner with my mom’s side of the family. My dad usually goes to my brother’s house, but I don’t want to balk tradition. Spending Thanksgiving with my mom’s side of the family is a tradition that was started before I was even born, and I plan to stick with this tradition until I die. My grandma just turned 92 and I love spending time with her. I think my dad gets frustrated that I don’t spend Thanksgiving with him and my brothers in-laws, but I just never know when it will be my grandmas last Thanksgiving, and I want to enjoy her as much as I can.

So I’m sticking with tradition!

I will end the afternoon with my absolute favorite tradition. Yep, you guessed it, NAPTIME! Care to join me?

The only thing that I hate about this holiday is that I usually don’t get time with my kids, but I’m ok with that.

Now, let me explain.

I could ask my ex for time with our kids on Thanksgiving and he would happily obliges, but he gets so little time with them because of his crazy work schedule. So I try to accommodate him when I can. Thursday’s are his days to spend the entire day with Hamilton and Gibson. He looks forward to it. My kids look forward to it.

Again, why mess with tradition? It's just one day...

As we approach this Thanksgiving, I am reminded yet again of how lucky I am for all of the other wonderful things, besides my family, that I have in my life.

Things like:

1. Showers. I know it’s strange, but that’s often where I get my best ideas.

2. The entire frozen food section at Trader Joes.

3. Modern plumbing, bathrooms and toilet paper…enough said!

4. Being able to appreciate the weird things that people do. Yesterday on my way to work I saw a guy dressed in a banana costume in the car next to me…it made me giggle.

5. Unexpected text messages, they usually brighten my day.

6. When the batteries die in noisy toys.

7. Being felt up by a TSA agent on my way out of town…hey, I’m single, I will take what I can get.

8. The moment I realized that I have no idea what I did before the Internet.

9. When someone else makes me a salad…they just aren’t the same when I make them.

10. That I still have what I like to call “dreamers disease”.

11. Real life conversations.

12. Moments when I have the clarity of thought to acknowledge that I can’t control what happens in my life– only how I react to what happens, hence my post yesterday.

13. Twizzlers.

14. Freshly sharpened #2 pencils.

15. That the turkey isn’t our National bird

16. The snuggie. I know it’s cheesy, but it sure keeps me toasty! Maybe I will wrap up in that for the Drumstick Dash…

17. Expensive jeans..

18. The laughter of my kids.

19. Contact lenses…one day of wearing my glasses this week and I’m already going nuts.

20. 80’s music. Is there any other kind?

21. Logic.

22. Mad Libs with my kids.

23. Fresh flowers for no reason at all.

24. The ability to forget those few extra pounds, because according to my kids, it’s those few pounds that make me so cuddly.

25. My future.

Happy Thanksgiving…Gobble! Gobble!

Relationships anonymous

Hi my name is Julie and I have high expectations of men.

A good friend sent me an email last week and suggested this topic as a post. Her email started off by saying, “don’t take this personally, because I AM NOT talking about you, but…”

So how could I not think she was talking about me?

I know she was talking about me and I am not offended by it one bit whatsoever! She thinks that sometimes our (and by “our”, I know she means me, but generalizing myself with the entire population makes me feel like less of a tool) expectations of the opposite sex may be so unrealistic that we are probably letting potentially good matches slip through our finger tips.

I know she is right.

I know I have high expectations of men.

But I can’t help it!

Last week alone I let one potentially good guy slip off the radar because I just didn’t feel things between the two of us and quite frankly, I didn’t really have the energy to nurture a new friendship and get to know him on a deeper level either.

I know this is mean, but it’s the truth.

I feel bad, because he seemed like a perfectly good guy. He seemed normal. He had a good job, was a hard worker, was always interested in hearing about me and my kids, and reminded me not to give up on the good guys. I think he was talking about himself when he said that to me, but he just happened to catch me at a bad time, a time of transition. A time in between trying to figure out what happened with one guy who I really liked and the thought of moving on to the next.

I hate the in between!

But If I had to venture an even better guess as to why my expectations of men are so high, I would say it’s because I have a list. I have a list of qualities that my ideal mate would posses. And out of those ideal qualities, I have five that I consider deal breakers:

1. Accept my kids and I as a total package…no ifs, ands or butts about it
2. Be a hard worker…he doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to work hard
3. Values family and family time
4. Holds honesty and integrity at the highest level
5. Is at least 6 feet tall (I know this is shallow…but it is what it is, I’m not looking to be the next Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes)

That’s it.

Everything else in my book is negotiable!

I don’t think that these deal breakers are unrealistic in any way. I don’t think I am asking for too much.

But my problem is this…once I feel like one of these deal breakers is broken, I tend to move on mentally, and when I move on mentally, more often than not, it's over. I never give the guy a chance to explain himself, and I hate that about me. No one is perfect, most of all me, yet I struggle to show grace when I feel betrayed in some way.

And I hate that quality in me even more.

But not anymore!

This is me, turning over a new leaf!

Most of you that know me know that I am all about second chances. But the new me, you know the one turning over a new leaf, is all about third chances too.

In fact, I may be all about fourth and fifth chances if you catch me on a good day.

Note to self Friday

Girl…stop worrying!

Focus on the important things, like your kids, family, and friends, because without them you would have nothing…

…and if you do that, everything else will fall into place!

The Chase

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine, who I will call Adrian. I refer to him as Adrian because to me, he looks exactly like Adrian Grenier. Anyway, Adrian is quite a few years younger than me but we always seem to have really great conversations about the dynamics of men and women in relationships. He appreciates the advice I give him and I definitely appreciate the advice he gives me. There are many times when we both have light bulb moments as it relates to the inner workings of men and women and their relationships.

Our weekly lunches together are often full of comments like “hmmmm” or “oh my gosh I had no idea” or even “I apologize for the entire male/female race”. I love his insight and candidness. He makes me think, laugh and most importantly he reminds me to never ever give up on the male population, because there are still good single guys out there.

In one of our recent conversations, we got on the topic of “the chase”. I have always wondered if it was a myth or if it really existed. Lately, as I replay past relationships in my head I can’t help but think that this does actually happen. You know, once the guy “gets” you he gets bored and quietly disappears into the background and then you eventually never hear from him again.

The pattern is usually along these lines.

1. Boy likes girl
2. Boy contacts girl
3. Girl replies to boy
4. Boy contacts girl many times a day for a long time
5. Girl gets excited because boy is so interested
6. Boy invites girl on dates
7. Girl happily goes on dates
8. Boy continues to flirt and gets to know girl
9. Girl continues to get excited about boy
10. Boy “catches” girl (and by this I mean, he gets to the point internally in the relationship where the chasing isn’t as challenging)…so “catch” can mean a lot of things
11. Girl is happy that things are progressing and starts telling her friends about boy
12. Boy’s contact with girl starts to slow down a little
13. Girl starts to wonder if the boy is still interested, but tries to keep a positive attitude
14. Boy starts contacting girl every other day or so, but no more
15. Girl begins to get frustrated and confronts boy
16. Boy says things aren’t any different for him, he’s just busy
17. Girl believes boy
18. Boy stops calling girl altogether
19. Girl is hurt and can’t help but let it chip away at her self esteem
20. Boy has no clue what he has actually done

It’s sad isn’t it?

It’s sad on both accounts.

It’s sad that men can’t communicate with women their true feelings and its equally sad that women let men dictate the level of their self esteem. Unfortunately, I truly believe this is how we, were created and because of that, these habits we have had for years and years are hard habits to break.

But not this one!

I’m convinced that Adrian has the perfect solution to the “chase” problem. I have never heard anyone with a solution quite like his. However, I can’t give Adrian total credit for it, but I also can’t remember where he heard it from. So as far as this article is concerned, it was Adrian’s idea.

Anyway, his idea is this:

If the woman is a good quality woman, who you enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common, then the chase shouldn’t stop after the first few dates. He thinks the chase should continue. And by this I mean, once you ask the girl out and she accepts, go out with her get to know her, get to know her for more than just the pursuit. Make sure she is someone that you could see spending quality time with. Then, and only then, chase her into a relationship. Once you are in the relationship, continue to get to know her, only on a deeper level, and then chase her again into engagement. Once you are engaged, don’t let the chase stop…continue chasing her into marriage and so on and so on.

Seems like the perfect solution to me for both men and women looking for love. Obviously this won’t work if the two people involved aren’t looking for the same things! But it seems worth a try!

Quite frankly, I think it’s brilliant!

Now, if I could just find someone interested in testing out this theory with me…

Cleanliness is next to Godliness???

Have I ever told you how much I hate to clean my house? I hate it more than anything in this world. You see, I live in a house with two boys who always have their friends over playing and it always seems to make my house smell like a college dorm!

So I am constantly cleaning.

I’m the kind of person that likes order and cleanliness. My house is never…and I mean never 5 minutes away from being picked up and presentable to let’s say the Queen of England. That’s just who I am and how I roll. I enjoy a clean house.

Unfortunately, the time that I usually put into cleaning my house has been used up trying to keep caught up with work. You see, last week the warehouse that houses our curriculum caught on fire and we lost EVERYTHING during the first week of our four month long busy season. Needless to say there has been a lot of additional stress and additional hours put in dealing with the insurance company, fire Chief, printing companies and students…not to mention the countless hours of editing (that I should have had done weeks ago) in preparation for reprinting all of our books.

As you can imagine, I am under a TON of stress.

And when I’m stressed in one area of my life, I tend to slack in others.

And the area that is lacking now is my house, and I’m torn. I don’t like cleaning, but I also don’t like living in squalor, so this, you can imagine, presents an internal conflict of interest that at times I find very tear-provoking.

I know I mentioned in one of my numerous birthday posts last year that if I had one of these...



...then I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

But I have one of these and realize now that what I really meant to say was, if I had one of these...



...then I promise I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

So please, I beg you House cleaning God’s, send one of these hot boys that like to clean over to give me a little inspiration! If not send someone to buy me drinks…lots of drinks!

Or better yet, just send me him...



...I think he could inspire me to do anything!

Thank you in advance!

Yawn...yawn...yawn

Have I ever told you the story about my thirty minute date with Mr. Yawn? Stop me if I have, or just don’t read this if the name Mr. Yawn sounds familiar to you…whatever, I'm easy!

So awhile ago I met a friend of a friend at a dinner party. This friends, friend, who I will call Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever and I got along great. She was quite a bit younger than me, and for some reason we just clicked. I guess I have that effect on people!

A couple of months after our first meeting I ran into Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever again at a wedding. I was at the wedding as a guest of my friend Brad (you know the one who had the texting party). When I introduced Brad to Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever they immediately clicked as well. Only their connection was quite different than my connection with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever. Yep, you guessed it their connection was my miserable dating life. They laughed on and on all night reminiscing about my dating horror stories. At first I thought it was funny too, then I realized that I was the common denominator in all of these stories. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling so well. I excused myself, went to the bathroom splashed a little water on my face and tried to return to the conversation with a little dignity.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen…this is the conversation I came back to after gathering myself:

Brad: Do you know of anyone we can fix Julie up with? (why do people always think they have to fix me up with someone?)

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: My dad has a friend who has a son. He is too old for me…I think he is in his mid 30’s and is single. I think they would be perfect for each other. (first red flag, when your friend says “her dad” has someone to fix you up with, you know your friends are way to young)

Brad: Make the call!

After talking to her dad, Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever gave me the phone number and email address for Mr. Yawn. I tried to give it back to her with the reminder that I don’t ever make the first move when it comes to dating. I am kind of old fashioned and still like to be pursued. Making the first move, is not in my repritoire. But somehow, and I don’t know how she did this, she convinced me to make the first move.

So, I went against every grain in me, and sent a standard basic first email. I immediately regretted it. Within seconds, I got a reject Mail Delivery System message because Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever had given me a bad address. And I was relieved, because, quite honestly, I just wanted the whole thing to go away. I wasn’t feeling good about contacting Mr. Yawn anyway.

But within minutes of sending the bad email, I got a phone call from Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever.

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “so did you call him?”

Me: “I tried to email him, but some doofus gave me the wrong email address”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “oh wait, his address is Mr. Yawn@yahoo.com, oh wait, maybe it’s gmail.com. How did you spell his last name”

Me: Y-a-w-n, just like you told me”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “try Mr. Yawn@ gmail.com, I think that’s it. Hopefully it will work.”

Me: Hopefully? You do know that emails are like phone numbers, they have to be exact or it doesn’t work.”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: Never mind…try his cell, his number is ***-****

Me: I’m not calling him!

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Keep an open mind”

If there is one thing that I dislike more than being fixed up with a random single guy, whose only commonality with me, is that we are both single, is when the matchmaker makes really no effort other than the initial suggestion. I hung up the phone with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever, me knowing I was never going to call Mr. Yawn and her feeling confident that I was going to call him.

Five minutes after hanging up with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever Mr. Yawn calls. He was quiet and shy and even a little dry. But he asked if I would meet him for coffee the next day, and I agreed.

The date was really pretty drab until about thirty minutes in when he let out the biggest yawn ever. It wasn’t a “Oh man it’s been a long day kind of yawn” or “I think I may need a little nap” kind of yawn, oh n,o it was one of the most obnoxious yawns I had ever seen…it was so obnoxious that I couldn’t help but wonder if it was fake. It was almost like he was sending a clear message that he was bored and wanted to be anywhere else but with me. I received the message loud and clear and made the move to cut the date short and call it an afternoon.

I found it ironic, however, that he was the one that felt the need to yawn, because he wouldn’t shut up. I don’t think I got a word in edgewise the entire thirty minutes we were together. I listened to him talk on and on about his pets, his job, his hobbies and his car. Never once did he ask anything about me. I just remember nodding and smiling the entire time.

When Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever called me later that day to see how the date with Mr. Yawn went, I had to be honest with her and tell her that it was one of the most boring dates I had ever been on. And then shared the story of the obnoxious yawn.

“Maybe he was just tired” she said in Mr. Yawn’s defense. “You do know that yawning is a bodily function that you don’t have any control over?”

“Yes” I said, “but so is farting, and there is a polite way and an impolite way to do it. It’s not like I would ask my date to pull my finger and be completely obvious about it.”

“Fine” she says with attitude, “just forget about him and move on.”

Months later Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever and I were at a holiday party full of single people and she felt the need to let me know that she had run into Mr. Yawn and shared with me that he was engaged to be married to a great woman.

Me: “Great! He’s a nice guy. I’m sure they will be happy together.”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “He is thrilled. Apparently he met her at the grocery store the same day you two went out.”

Me: “Good for him!”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Now let’s get you married off.”

Me: “No, no, I’m good” and then just to tick her off, I throw out the biggest fake yawn I can.

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “What’s wrong, are you tired?”

(just of this tired and old conversation, I think to myself)

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Try not to yawn, there are lots of single men here and no one likes a yawner.”

I rolled my eyes, got up quietly and headed to the bar for a cocktail...

Oh the irony…a few more minutes into that conversation and I may have had to lean over and quietly ask her to pull my finger!

I hate being fixed up on blind dates! Stories like these make me happy with my decision to take myself off the "looking" market!

Defining my own happiness

This weekend I attended our annual multi year High School Reunion and as usual, it was pretty fun. As I look back on my years in High School I can’t help but reminisce on how easy life was back then. Some times during those years I remember thinking life was so difficult, but I think if I would have known then what I know now, I would have enjoyed those four years a lot more. I was so caught up in being cool, putting on the right appearances, and talking to the right people that I’m sure I missed out on some great friendships. As I stood around looking at the room full of people Saturday night, I must have said a million times to my friends “I don’t know anyone here”.

At one point in time, a woman came up to me and said “Oh my gosh you haven’t changed one bit since High School” and I had no clue who she was.

And that made me sad.

I spent some quality time with a guy I used to hang out with quite a bit. I will call him Mr. Cocktail. Mr. Cocktail and I had a unique friendship in high school and college and then we just drifted apart as we met other people and married our spouses. I see Mr. Cocktail once a year at these reunions and things just don’t seem to change in his life. I feel sorry for him. He is stuck between trying to do the right thing for his family and being happy and moving on with his life. He just seems drained every time we see each other.

It reminded me that happiness in life isn’t just one long passionate fairy tale. Quite honestly, I think if we experienced that kind of deep passion every day, we would take it for granted, just like we do everything else and life would become vanilla. But there has to be a happy medium. And I think in order to have that happy medium in our lives, we have to have some kind of consistency. And by that, I mean, it is not only important for us to co-exists and share in the life of someone we care about and love deeply, but we must also be able to share in the other side of the equation, the lows.

I have always believed that if you only had a few minutes, hours or days of happiness in a relationship and the rest was woeful, then why go to the extreme to hang onto those few short moments? It’s just not worth it, right? I am reminded of this again as I look back at the Hot Fireman. In one of our last conversations we had about the woman that had called me asking about our status, I told him that I felt sorry for the girl because she was crying. And he said, and I quote, “who the f$*# would cry over me?”

Well for one thing Mr. Hot Fireman. I would and I did. And you have no clue!

You see, from the beginning he said all the right things. Things that girls like to hear. Things that once we hear, we can never erase from our minds. Things like “I think we will be good together” or “I can’t wait to see you again” or “what would happen if we got married one day” or even, “I could see having a baby with you.” Yeah, those are the things that tend to stick in our heads. It’s statements like these that put us on our “happiness high”. And it was statements like these that allowed me to only see the silhouette of the Hot Fireman, because on the outside of this silhouette that I had created for him was a man, who I knew truly liked me, but one that was still being played like a puppet by his Ex Wife and hampering our time together.

Don't get me wrong, I don’t hold that against him in any way, because if my Ex was controlling the time I could see my kids based on his schedule, I would do the exact same thing and jump at every opportunity to see them too.

What I did learn about happiness from the Hot Fireman was that it requires an openness and willingness to put yourself out there, because if you don’t you will only experience limited happiness. And who wants that? We all deserve to be completely happy! No one wants to be held back feeling unsure, anxious and questioning everything. I didn’t want to be dependent on him for my happiness, but felt like maybe I was and I know this because of how horribly I feel now that I am not seeing him anymore. I was making him my only option for happiness and then wondering why I didn’t trust him and wasn’t happy. And that was not fair for him

I realize now that he got the wrath of my old relationship baggage and he didn't even know it.

Rest assured, I will not put off being happy again! I don’t want to be one of those people that places my happiness in the hands of others, and watch my life pass me by while hoping that everything else around me will change, instead of me changing.

I hope one day the Hot Fireman and I can be friends so that I can share this revelation with him and apologize.

In the meantime, I can only hope that he still reads this blog.

News Flash

I am off the dating market...officially!

Woot! Woot! I never thought this day would come.

No, no...I'm not doing anything drastic like listing myself as "in a relationship" on Facebook or anything like that.

Heck, I haven't even met Mr. Wonderful yet.

Let's just say, I am flat out tired of looking for Mr. Wonderful. In fact, I'm almost convinced that he doesn't even exist. I'm definitely convinced that men my age aren't looking for a solid woman, with a good head on her shoulders who is independent, both financially and emotionally, who owns her own home, has no ex baggage and has great kids. No, no...I'm convinced that they all like the drama and the baggage, because I don't have either and I can't seem to find a good guy.

Obviously, I'm attracting the wrong guys and it makes me tired!

Rest assured thought, I haven't given up hope that he will show up on my doorstep one day, and when he does, I will welcome him with open arms. But for now...I'm taking a break looking for him.

I know this new revelation will probably hamper my blog material for a while, and for that, I am sorry. Quite honestly, the thought of another first date just makes me want to throw the covers over my head and hibernate for the winter.

For those of you that are not single, you may not remember what it's like to date. So I thought I would share with you the differences in inner dialogue that men and women go through on a first date. Hopefully this will give you a better glance into my life and you will understand why I just can't do it anymore.

The first minute of inner dialogue for a man on the first date:
Wow! She is pretty. This could be fun.

The first minute of inner dialogue for a woman on a first date:
Wow! he is handsome. This could be fun. I wonder how my hair looks. I hate my smile. I wish I would have worn a different color lip gloss or at least whitened my teeth another day. I hope my butt doesn't look big in this dress. I hope he talks. I will not think about my ex! Man, he smells so nice. Do I smell nice? I wonder if he wants a relationship or if he is just out dating for fun. Stop thinking about the Ex. I hope he calls me tomorrow. What if he doesn't call me tomorrow? I hope he likes my shoes. If he compliments my shoes, I will be happy. My Ex used to compliment my shoes. Does my breath stink? What if he tries to kiss me? I hope he tries to kiss me. What if he doesn't try to kiss me? Dang it, why did I wear this underwear? What if he doesn't like me? Will I be able to tell if he doesn't like me? I wonder what my Ex would say if he saw us together right now? Did I change the sheets on my bed? I hope he pays for dinner. Doh...I can't believe I just chipped my nail polish. Mental note, find a new place to get nails done...and on and on and on it goes.

Now do you see why I am so tired?

Wow

I never do this...I never recommend movies or books to people, because it seems, more often than not, if I like something and recommend it, my friends/family usually disagree with me.

Perfect example...when the Ex and I were married we went to see Pulp Fiction. To me it was one of the best movies I had ever seen. It was by far the only movie I had ever seen that was put together from the end to the beginning. It was a perfect example of postmodernism! And at the time, I loved it. During a discussion the next day with my parents they were telling us how much they hated the movie because it was so violent and backwards. Everything they hated about the movie we liked...maybe it was generational, maybe it wasn't. Either way, from that moment on, I decided not to be the recommender of books and movies to people.

Until today...

This book made me come out of hibernation!



All I have to say is WOW! Once I started, I couldn't put it down. It captivated me from the first page to the last. I highly recommend everyone read it!

Ok...off my soapbox, for now!