Monday, December 6, 2010

Emotional Unavailability

I’ve been there…many times! In fact, I can remember way back when I was dating Mr. Buckeye, I swore I wasn’t this person. I swore I was emotionally available. He called me on it, I thought he was crazy. But after years of continuing therapy, I realized I was emotionally unavailable. I was, at the time, still hung up on my Ex husband. But I couldn’t see the forest through the trees. All I could see was the trees.

I don’t know what it is about me now, but for some reason I am a man magnet of sorts, but only of the emotionally unavailable kind.

I am the kind of girl that always seems to attract these kinds of men. I think maybe it’s because I’m a caretaker and nurturer by nature. You see, I have a tendency to think I can fix everything and everyone. Unfortunately for me, this characteristic tends to bite me in the butt more often than not. Often times with the emotionally unavailable man I tend to become the counselor in the relationship. They end up getting free therapy, get through their issues and move on. Me, on the other hand, I get left in the wind with a “WTF just happened” look on my face wondering where it all went wrong.

My definition of the Emotionally Unavailable Man (or woman, for that matter)is somebody who has some or all of the following qualities:

• Is good looking, self-confident, funny, successful, and quite possibly makes your heart skip a few beats.
• Is either married, in a relationship, or not quite over a past relationship.
• Is very reliant on text messages as your main form of communication
• Is in control of the time you spend together, you never seem to know when you will see him
• Lives with his ex
• Always has excuses for why you two can’t see each other (even though they are probably legitimate excuses, they are still excuses.)
• Makes you feel empty after you sleep with him (this feeling may come days later)
• Has a very strict routine that he just can’t/won’t deviate from
• Determines the momentum of the relationship
• Only sees you when it is convenient for him
• At times disappears for days…usually long enough for you to get over him and then he suddenly reappears again
• Is quick out of the gate to pursue you and get your attention and then often backs off
• Seems to always have a ton of stuff going on that he has to deal with.

I always say there are no bad relationships as long as you have learned something about yourself through the process. What I have learned about emotionally unavailable men this past year, because I’ve dated a couple, is that they were emotionally unavailable before they met me, while they were dating me, and more than likely after we are no longer an item. I’ve learned the hard way that more than likely, these emotionally unavailable men aren’t going to be able to morph into a healthy, loving, available good relationship with me or the next woman no matter how hard they try or how much we want them too.

My mistake with these types of men, is knowing early on that they are emotionally unavailable, but seeing that there is potentially a guy, deep down inside, that I have always wanted. So I start investing in the fantasy of who he will be if I just take it slow, be understanding of his situations, and show a little patience.

NO MORE! Oh no, 2011 is going to be the year of the new me. No more accepting bullshit! No more second guessing myself. If my gut tells me one thing, I'm going with it. I’ve learned so much this year about myself and the people I allow into my life. And I promise, I won't let these lessons go to waste!

Quick, someone give me a pop quiz so that I can show you what I have learned!

3 comments:

  1. I think everyone is emotionally unavailable at one point or another, and until we figure it out and "hit rock bottom" as they say at AA, things won't change in our lives!

    Great post! Keep 'em coming...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am 36 years old and had my first encounter with an emotionally unavailable man earlier this year. He had 11 of the qualities listed in your definition above. After talking to people and doing a little research, I came to realize how common these traits are among men.

    He just contacted me last week wanting to be 'friends' after 6 months of no contact. Unbelievable really--the nerve. Needless to say, he won't be receiving a reply from me--ever.

    To any woman reading this, if you encounter someone like this---run!

    ReplyDelete
  3. mine couldnt commit to me, although spent all his time with me..hmm. once i finally smelled the roses i ended it, to which i got called names and had some unpleasent texts.
    further foul behaviour followed until he found a new victim. now he is as nice as pie to me, and i hear disrespecting her.

    thank god its not me anymore and it was on my terms!

    ReplyDelete

 

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