Have I ever told you the story about my thirty minute date with Mr. Yawn? Stop me if I have, or just don’t read this if the name Mr. Yawn sounds familiar to you…whatever, I'm easy!
So awhile ago I met a friend of a friend at a dinner party. This friends, friend, who I will call Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever and I got along great. She was quite a bit younger than me, and for some reason we just clicked. I guess I have that effect on people!
A couple of months after our first meeting I ran into Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever again at a wedding. I was at the wedding as a guest of my friend Brad (you know the one who had the texting party). When I introduced Brad to Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever they immediately clicked as well. Only their connection was quite different than my connection with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever. Yep, you guessed it their connection was my miserable dating life. They laughed on and on all night reminiscing about my dating horror stories. At first I thought it was funny too, then I realized that I was the common denominator in all of these stories. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling so well. I excused myself, went to the bathroom splashed a little water on my face and tried to return to the conversation with a little dignity.
Unfortunately, that didn’t happen…this is the conversation I came back to after gathering myself:
Brad: Do you know of anyone we can fix Julie up with? (why do people always think they have to fix me up with someone?)
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: My dad has a friend who has a son. He is too old for me…I think he is in his mid 30’s and is single. I think they would be perfect for each other. (first red flag, when your friend says “her dad” has someone to fix you up with, you know your friends are way to young)
Brad: Make the call!
After talking to her dad, Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever gave me the phone number and email address for Mr. Yawn. I tried to give it back to her with the reminder that I don’t ever make the first move when it comes to dating. I am kind of old fashioned and still like to be pursued. Making the first move, is not in my repritoire. But somehow, and I don’t know how she did this, she convinced me to make the first move.
So, I went against every grain in me, and sent a standard basic first email. I immediately regretted it. Within seconds, I got a reject Mail Delivery System message because Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever had given me a bad address. And I was relieved, because, quite honestly, I just wanted the whole thing to go away. I wasn’t feeling good about contacting Mr. Yawn anyway.
But within minutes of sending the bad email, I got a phone call from Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever.
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “so did you call him?”
Me: “I tried to email him, but some doofus gave me the wrong email address”
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “oh wait, his address is Mr. Yawn@yahoo.com, oh wait, maybe it’s gmail.com. How did you spell his last name”
Me: Y-a-w-n, just like you told me”
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “try Mr. Yawn@ gmail.com, I think that’s it. Hopefully it will work.”
Me: Hopefully? You do know that emails are like phone numbers, they have to be exact or it doesn’t work.”
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: Never mind…try his cell, his number is ***-****
Me: I’m not calling him!
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Keep an open mind”
If there is one thing that I dislike more than being fixed up with a random single guy, whose only commonality with me, is that we are both single, is when the matchmaker makes really no effort other than the initial suggestion. I hung up the phone with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever, me knowing I was never going to call Mr. Yawn and her feeling confident that I was going to call him.
Five minutes after hanging up with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever Mr. Yawn calls. He was quiet and shy and even a little dry. But he asked if I would meet him for coffee the next day, and I agreed.
The date was really pretty drab until about thirty minutes in when he let out the biggest yawn ever. It wasn’t a “Oh man it’s been a long day kind of yawn” or “I think I may need a little nap” kind of yawn, oh n,o it was one of the most obnoxious yawns I had ever seen…it was so obnoxious that I couldn’t help but wonder if it was fake. It was almost like he was sending a clear message that he was bored and wanted to be anywhere else but with me. I received the message loud and clear and made the move to cut the date short and call it an afternoon.
I found it ironic, however, that he was the one that felt the need to yawn, because he wouldn’t shut up. I don’t think I got a word in edgewise the entire thirty minutes we were together. I listened to him talk on and on about his pets, his job, his hobbies and his car. Never once did he ask anything about me. I just remember nodding and smiling the entire time.
When Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever called me later that day to see how the date with Mr. Yawn went, I had to be honest with her and tell her that it was one of the most boring dates I had ever been on. And then shared the story of the obnoxious yawn.
“Maybe he was just tired” she said in Mr. Yawn’s defense. “You do know that yawning is a bodily function that you don’t have any control over?”
“Yes” I said, “but so is farting, and there is a polite way and an impolite way to do it. It’s not like I would ask my date to pull my finger and be completely obvious about it.”
“Fine” she says with attitude, “just forget about him and move on.”
Months later Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever and I were at a holiday party full of single people and she felt the need to let me know that she had run into Mr. Yawn and shared with me that he was engaged to be married to a great woman.
Me: “Great! He’s a nice guy. I’m sure they will be happy together.”
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “He is thrilled. Apparently he met her at the grocery store the same day you two went out.”
Me: “Good for him!”
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Now let’s get you married off.”
Me: “No, no, I’m good” and then just to tick her off, I throw out the biggest fake yawn I can.
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “What’s wrong, are you tired?”
(just of this tired and old conversation, I think to myself)
Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Try not to yawn, there are lots of single men here and no one likes a yawner.”
I rolled my eyes, got up quietly and headed to the bar for a cocktail...
Oh the irony…a few more minutes into that conversation and I may have had to lean over and quietly ask her to pull my finger!
I hate being fixed up on blind dates! Stories like these make me happy with my decision to take myself off the "looking" market!