Monday, August 30, 2010

The what if place

Being divorced is never easy.

We single parents have our ups and downs just like everyone else. I’m not one to say I have it easier or harder than any other single parent out there because we all have our own struggles and vices. Some are harder than others, but they are ours and we have to own up to them in order to be able to conquer them. Right?

I know it sounds good on paper. But it’s one of those things that is definitely easier said than done.

You see, my struggle or vice is an ex who I have struggled getting over for quite some time now. I don’t know what it is about him but he has this kind of hold or control over me. And it’s crazy because when I look back on our relationship he still treats me the same way now that he did then. I didn’t like it then, but I tolerated it…and I definitely don’t like it now. But I still sometimes wonder what could have been.

I often wonder if these feelings are normal.

This Ex, who shall remain nameless, in fact I will refer to him from here on out as HWSRN, or “He who shall remain nameless," was, I believe the love of my life. Note, that I say was, because I truly believe for that time in my life he was the love of my life. Now, however, I believe there is someone else out there for me that will love me for me, and he will be the real “love of my life”.

But, as true as those words are, it’s still sometimes hard to believe that it will ever happen. Especially when HWSRN rears his beautiful head again. And rear his beautiful head gain, he did. This weekend, as a matter of fact. He sent me a flirty text message. And as much as I hate to admit it, it truly excited me. It excites me because it was again validation that he does care. You see when he left he said he didn’t love me and he wasn’t attracted to me, but his text messages reveal otherwise.

I love knowing that he still thinks about me and that he still cares, but as much as I love it, it’s always like taking five steps back in my recovery. Why, you might ask. Well…you see, every time he rears his beautiful head it puts me back in the “what if” mode…what if things would have worked out, what if we would have tried harder, what if I were to give into him…again? And then I start thinking in terms of my future with the potential “real love of my life” and as difficult as this is for me to admit, I find myself thinking, “how will a relationship with the real love of my life affect HWSRN"…and I get sad. I know, I know…it’s crazy, but it’s true! I can’t help the feelings he brings out in me.

But, I stayed strong and didn’t give into his advances. It was very difficult. I did it and I feel really good about it. But I do find myself wondering if I will have as much self control when he comes around again. Because he will…and secretly, I can’t wait!

Don’t hate me.


  1. No hate. But I have a question: How can you successfully move forward if you won't take your eyes off the rear-view mirror?

  2. I don't hate you. I applaud your honesty. That is the most honest thing I've seen someone write. Our brains/hearts are crazy things to ever try and figure out. It sucks that he's doing that to you, 'cause I"m sure he knows EXACTLY what it is he IS doing. He knows he has this hold over you, and it's sort of a sick thing he's doing. So stay strong girl.

  3. I don't think anyone could ever hate you for that. You just always have to remember how responding to those texts/emails/phone calls/whatever makes YOU feel. Do you feel as though you lose control a bit by flirting back (though I know in this instance you refrained, and GOOD FOR YOU that you were able to do that!)? If he brings you back to a place you don't like, then you can either give in to a bit of fun knowing full well that that's all there ever will be or you can attempt to walk away (which we all know is extremely difficult). I have a similar situation myself and I hate myself each time he comes into the picture because ration completely flies out the window.

  4. I applaud your honesty as well. I don't want my ex back and I can honestly say I'm no longer attracted to him... and am fairly certain that he feels the same about me, although from my point of view, I do seem to take up far too much time in his new life. That said, our marriage ended so quickly and without warning, that I do sometimes wonder if we couldn't have worked through it all. I don't want him back, but my belief in the sanctity of marriage makes me wish I'd had more of a chance to fight for my own.

  5. Hate you??? Hell, this is the sisterhood you're reaching out to!!! We don't hate, we just try to get your head on straight!
    Here's the way I see it...every time he plays like this, and then ends up shutting you down, he goes thru a power surge. But if you don't get reeled in, YOU get the power surge. Which is better?? You already know, because you admit to feeling good about not giving in.
    So what if HWSRN has a beautiful head. He apparently doesn't have enough going on within if he didn't treat you the way he should have!!



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