Every time I see your emails a voice inside me says "TOOL"

In all my years of dating, whether it be online, casual acquaintences, blind dates or random guys, I have met some doozies. Some of my favorites have been the foot fetish guy, the bad 4th of July date, and the mommy belly guy. They all seemed nice enough in the beginning, but quickly showed their trashtastic selves. In the early years, their antics used to get to me. But I’ve grown, and can now officially laugh at each and every date that has gone bad.

However, the other day I was cleaning out my email box and came across an email conversation I had had with a guy on a dating website a few years ago. As I look back at it now, I can’t help but laugh hysterically at how much of an assbag this guy was.

When I signed up for this particular dating website, I decided that I was going to respond to the first message I got from any one person, because it’s the right thing to do. To me, there is nothing more annoying than someone not responding to messages. I realized very quickly that I was turning down conversations with a lot of men. But I wasn’t on this site to meet pen pals and text buddies. I was on here looking for someone to be a significant part of my life.

Thought you might like to read my email conversation with Mr. Tool, as I like to call him.

Mr. Tool: Not a request to date…Just saying that you are pretty…

Me: Thank you. Compliment accepted.

Mr. Tool: Anytime

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (2 days later) Don’t all women need someone to give them there props even if it’s from a stranger? I can always give more?

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (2 more days later) You also have a pretty smile and pretty eyes.

Me: Thank you for all of the compliments, they don’t go unnoticed. However, it is my personal philosophy not to date those that list themselves as “separated” on their profiles.

Mr. Tool: I didn’t ask to date you.

Me: I know you didn't ask to date me, but if we were all being honest with ourselves, the reason we sign up for dating sites like this is to find our soul mate or the one we want to spend the rest of our lives with. So the end result would be dating. Whether or not you are asking me out on a date is not the point. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m on here searching for someone to spend quality time with and I am not going to do that with someone who is separated.

Mr. Tool: So what would you say if I told you my divorce would be final in a week?

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (1 week later) I know we got off on the wrong foot, but thought you might like to know my divorce is final and we can officially go out on a date and grab a drink.

Me: (crickets…no response)

Mr. Tool: (2 days later) How about that drink?

Me: Thank you for the offer but I am not interested in meeting you for a drink.

Mr. Tool: ok, then how about a cup of coffee.

Me: Mr. Tool, again, I am not interested in a drink, coffee, date, non-date, whatever it is you may be asking of me. Please stop emailing me.

Mr. Tool: So I guess a movie would be out of the question?

I didn’t respond to his last request and thank God I never heard from him again.

Oh how I love being single.