Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Gone in the blink of an eye

Come September I will have been single for 5 years. I cannot believe it’s already been almost 5 years. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think about how long it’s been. I can remember saying to myself early on “if I can just make it to the 5 year mark, I know I will be ok.”

Most days I feel back to normal and ok on an emotional level. Most days I am happy with the decision my ex made to walk out on us. Most days I feel good and am very happy with how my life has turned out.

Most days…

Yesterday, however, was not a day that I would put in the “most days” category. In fact, it was a day that I was both looking forward to and dreading all at the same time.

You see, I got a call from my ex mother-in-law (whom I adore) last week inviting me and my boys over for a family dinner. I/we were invited because her sister and brother-in-law (whom I also adore) were in town for a few days for a visit. I happily accepted the invitation and was looking forward to it.

I absolutely love my ex’s family and it is very rare that we see each other anymore. His sisters and mom were such special people in my life while my ex and I were dating/married. In fact, it’s often the loss of the relationship with these three women that I mourn the most in our divorce. Seeing them last night again was easy, comfortable, and fun. Is it wrong that I like to still refer to them as my sisters-in-law and their kids as my nieces and nephews? They are all such good people that I never want to have to disassociate myself from them.

But it’s still hard to see my Ex, especially now with how our relationship has changed over the past couple of years. I’m not gonna get into detail about how it has changed, suffice it to say, it’s just changed.

So when he walks in and treats me like I have the plague, I have to be a little hurt. When he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence, I have to be a little hurt. I saw him looking at me, I caught him glancing my way every once in a while. But heaven forbid he talk to me or carry on a conversation with me.

I admit I had to rush out at the end of the evening to hold back tears. I admit that walking down the driveway at my ex mother-in-laws house was emotional for me. Emotional because it was a reminder of what once was… We were once a family, the Ex, me, Hamilton and Gibson. We were once a happy family. We were once a family that enjoyed each other and loved each other very much…until one day…poof, just like that it was all gone, in the blink of an eye.

I often wonder what I would do if my Ex ever came back on bended knees with flowers and an apology. I have absolutely no idea how I would react. Some days I wish that would happen, but most days I’m scared of what would happen if he did.


  1. You are still a beautiful family--you, Hamilton and Gibson (whose names I love by the way!)!! I think you showed more pose than your Ex. Would he ever come to your parent's home?

    So what he didn't talk to you! Just look at what he is missing out on, not you! You are living a beautiful life with your beautiful, no handsome, sons!! He made a decision he will have to explain to those boys one day, not you!

    In a blink of an eye, you are watching his beautiful life disappear as yours grows every day!! God Bless you for being a strong mother and daughter-in-law...

    Come visit when you can...

  2. Sounds to me like you had the upper hand here!! If you caught him looking at you a few times, you've rattled his cage just a bit!! So don't be gettin' down on your situation!! You've shown him just how strong you are! And no, you don't "have to be a little hurt". Remember that feeling hurt is a choice you make. Julie, this is a huge victory in your life! His mother still loves you and that just puts him a little on edge! YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!

  3. Today was my ex's aunts funeral. I didn't go out of respect to him because he didn't want me and this new woman there.

    I've found someone wonderful and moved on...I am in love and happy and provided for and taken care of...but...I too wonder what it would be like and how I would react if my ex came back with flowers and sincere apology.

    ((((HUGS)))) It's only been a few months for me...not even a year yet...I can't imagine what you are going through.

  4. Well shit. I have some family drama that sounds similar - only my 'ex' is my sister and it's awful. Not the same, I know. But I also know that feeling of wanting to run.

  5. That's so hard. I still think of my niece & nephew from my ex as my niece and nephew; I love those kids. If his mom were still alive, I am certain I would have a relationship with her. We were close.
    I was so lucky, blessed actually, to have met my current husband just a year after X and I separated. It made it so much easier to get over the past and realize it all happened to get me where I am now.
    I wish you the best, I know it's rough.

  6. I love your honesty when you write. And, no, I wouldn't think it was wrong at all to still call them nieces/nephews ... you will always be their aunt! :)



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