Gone in the blink of an eye

Come September I will have been single for 5 years. I cannot believe it’s already been almost 5 years. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think about how long it’s been. I can remember saying to myself early on “if I can just make it to the 5 year mark, I know I will be ok.”

Most days I feel back to normal and ok on an emotional level. Most days I am happy with the decision my ex made to walk out on us. Most days I feel good and am very happy with how my life has turned out.

Most days…

Yesterday, however, was not a day that I would put in the “most days” category. In fact, it was a day that I was both looking forward to and dreading all at the same time.

You see, I got a call from my ex mother-in-law (whom I adore) last week inviting me and my boys over for a family dinner. I/we were invited because her sister and brother-in-law (whom I also adore) were in town for a few days for a visit. I happily accepted the invitation and was looking forward to it.

I absolutely love my ex’s family and it is very rare that we see each other anymore. His sisters and mom were such special people in my life while my ex and I were dating/married. In fact, it’s often the loss of the relationship with these three women that I mourn the most in our divorce. Seeing them last night again was easy, comfortable, and fun. Is it wrong that I like to still refer to them as my sisters-in-law and their kids as my nieces and nephews? They are all such good people that I never want to have to disassociate myself from them.

But it’s still hard to see my Ex, especially now with how our relationship has changed over the past couple of years. I’m not gonna get into detail about how it has changed, suffice it to say, it’s just changed.

So when he walks in and treats me like I have the plague, I have to be a little hurt. When he doesn’t even acknowledge my presence, I have to be a little hurt. I saw him looking at me, I caught him glancing my way every once in a while. But heaven forbid he talk to me or carry on a conversation with me.

I admit I had to rush out at the end of the evening to hold back tears. I admit that walking down the driveway at my ex mother-in-laws house was emotional for me. Emotional because it was a reminder of what once was… We were once a family, the Ex, me, Hamilton and Gibson. We were once a happy family. We were once a family that enjoyed each other and loved each other very much…until one day…poof, just like that it was all gone, in the blink of an eye.

I often wonder what I would do if my Ex ever came back on bended knees with flowers and an apology. I have absolutely no idea how I would react. Some days I wish that would happen, but most days I’m scared of what would happen if he did.