Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Friday night lights

I love having my kids every Friday night. It’s our time to have fun and wind down from a long hectic week. Usually Monday-Thursday is nonstop from the moment we get up in the morning until the moment we go to bed. We don’t ever have quiet one on one time to catch up through the week. So Friday nights are our nights to say hi, talk about our week, and have some fun.

This past Friday was no exception. I race home because I was excited to spend time with Hamilton and Gibson. I come running in the house expecting to be greeted by two sweet boys dying to see me as much as I am dying to see them. When instead, what I see is two grumpy kids pissed that they had to be home by 5:30pm, because all they wanted to do all week is play with their friends. I have to admit, this crushed me, but I do the right thing and I give them the opportunity to hang with me or stay and play with their friends. I then give them the “puppy dog eyes” and manage to irk up some small tears to make them feel a little guilty for not wanting to spend time with me.

Hey, I’m not proud…a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do, right?

Well it worked…the puppy dog eyes with a few tears along with the bribery of ice cream and a trip to the Bookstore and they agreed to be happy and hang with me for the evening.

So we head out on our weekly Friday night of fun!

First we eat, then head to the book store. The book store is a favorite of ours. I usually grab some of my cheap trashy gossip magazines and pop a squat in the coffee shop while Hamilton and Gibson frolic the kids and independent reader sections. It’s a win win situation for all of us.

Except for this particular night…

I decided to mix up my reading repritore a little. Instead of my normal trashy gossip magazines I decided to use this opportunity as a research session for the book I am writing. So I grab a stack of books, including the following:

Still Hot: The Uncensored Guide to Divorce and Dating
Single Mom Seeking
He’s History, You’re Not
101 Things to do the First Year of Your Divorce.

Ideally my goal was to thumb through these books and get an idea of how these authors write and what they write about. As I sit down to read my books, I notice an odd looking gentleman a few seats down from me reading a book. I smile at him as I sit down, and this smile is the moment I realize the evening took a turn for the worse.

I feel “odd looking man” staring at me all evening, and I try very hard to ignore him. But every time one of my kids comes over to ask me a question he comments on how cute they are or how well behaved they are. I politely say “thank you” each time and quickly turn my attention back to my research material.

Suddenly I hear this…

Odd looking man: Guys are jerks, aren’t they?

I ignore it because I was so afraid this guy was talking to me and I didn’t want to talk to him. Then I hear this…

Odd looking man: I mean seriously…they are all jerks.

Out of pure embarrassment for this guy I look up and give him and awkward smile and a smirk. I move the research material closer to my face. I suddenly felt like a two year old playing hide and seek. You know kind of like “if I hide behind this book, he will never know I’m here.”

Odd looking man: Well except for me

Me: (taking his bait…when will I ever learn) excuse me?

Odd looking man: I can’t help but notice the books you are reading

Me: Oh these? Yeah, I’m writing a book and just doing a little research

Odd looking man: I’m not a jerk

Me: That’s nice

Suddenly, our awkward conversation was interrupted by Gibson. Thank God!

Gibson: (whispering in my ear) mom why is that man with no teeth and the funny glasses reading that book?

I glance over and am horrified to see a book with a very buff looking half naked man on the front. I quickly note that the author of the book’s last name is Merritt. I don’t know why I note this, I just do. I’m also the girl that reads license plate numbers on passing cars…you never know when you will need that useless information either…

Me:(whisper yelling at Gibson) I don’t know…now go find some books and give me some quite time.

Odd looking man: Your kids are so well behaved

Me: Thanks

Odd looking man: So do you date?

Me: Sometimes…

DOH! Why didn’t I just tell him “No” or “I’m in a relationship”? Why do I decide to be honest at this moment?

By this time Hamilton and Gibson are packed up and ready to go.

Odd looking man: I’m a great date

Me: That’s nice

Odd looking man: Are you from around here?

Me: (nervously packing up) Yes…I just live up the street

Odd looking man: I rode my bike up here

Me: (thinking to myself) of course you did

Odd looking man: Do you ever log onto dating websites?

Hamilton and Gibson are now pulling and tugging at my arms dying to leave

Me: No I don’t. Have a nice evening.

Odd looking man: Well my username is **********Robert on Plenty of Fish if you would like to contact me.

Gibson: Mom, what is plenty of fish?

Me: Ummm…it’s a game for adults

Gibson: oh, kind of like Barrel of Monkeys?

Me: Yes, Gibson, that’s exactly what it is…

So there you have it. That’s how I get picked up. You wanna see a picture of the guy that was trying to pick me up while my kids were with me?

Yep…he looked a little like this…

And the ride he would pick me up for our first date…it looked a little something like this…

Oh yea, you wanna know what book he was reading?

Yep…it was this one

…that’s right people, Gay Fiction.

I immediately went home and took a shower.


  1. That story was awesome!! Seriously, situations like that are just almost to ridiculous to be true. Glad you got out of it somewhat unscathed.

  2. yeah...I can totally understand the need for the shower. I've got those shivery things going up and down my back at the moment. Dear, dear, Julie...oh how we need to teach you to lie to pervs!!

  3. um....ewwwwwwww!!!!!!

    On to not so WEIRD things....my son and I always had Fun Friday when he was younger. We would look forward to it all week. It was waaayyy back in the day when ABC used to have the "TGIF" line-up. (Boy Meets World, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, etc.) We always ordered pizza (the place we ordered from had this AWESOME coupon deal - large cheese pizza and a 2 liter of pop for $5!!!) Then, we'd put our jammies on, cuddle up on the couch, eat our pizza and watch our shows. Holy moly, I didn't realize how much I missed those days!!! Enjoy them, cuz before you know it, YOUR boys will be freakin' juniors in high school, too! I see NOTHING wrong with the skillfully used puppy dog eyes and the ocassional tear! ;-)

  4. LOL--I love it! What would we do without those kiddos?

    Come by when you can...


  5. Hilarious. Love this story. Literally LOLed.

  6. Thank you for the laugh! You still got it, girl!
    I once got hit on while I was driving my minivan with 2 kids in the backseat & my mom-in-law in the passenger seat. Seriously! However, he looked a little like that monkey picture & he was driving a semi-truck. Does that count?



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