Since I missed posting Top Ten Friday last week, my original plan was to post a double whammy today. However, I seemed to have worn myself out in this new P90X endeavor that I am on. Last night was the Yoga portion. I HATE YOGA! But then I overdid it and also did my normal Boot Camp style workout with my trainer. Quite frankly, I’m pooped and don’t have it in me to do an extra special Top Ten Friday. Sorry, guys you will just have to be happy with a normal post today…but never fear…it’s still good!
As many of you are aware I have recently ventured back out into the world of online dating. I know…call me crazy or don’t call me crazy. Either way I justify this silly move with statements like “a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do” and “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Ok, that second cliché doesn’t make sense here, but clichés aren’t my thing when I’m worn out. They are however, my thing when I’m at a bar with my friends. Sorry, was that too much information?
Ok…back on track…onto my original thought…Online dating…
Before I created my own dating profile, I “stalked” profiles of other women to see what kinds of things they were saying about themselves. And after viewing a good handful of them, I am of the humble opinion that most women DO NOT know what to put on a profile. Come to think of it, maybe it’s me that doesn’t know what to say in a profile, because I have never ever been successful at online dating. But I digress, I’m going to give you my two cents anyway. I have concluded that if men based their selections on the written portion of the profile alone, I would definitely be Top Dog…unfortunately for me, looks is what matters most to 99.9% of men.
Anwho…based on my minutes of profile research I have decided to grace you with the Top Ten Rules for Women to Live By When Looking for your Online Prince Charming.
10. Never ever use words like jovial or bubbly in your profile. More often than not when men hear these words they immediately think obese, even though we think they will translate these unique words into funny and cute.
9. Please don’t post photos of your kids. But if you do, might I suggest one simple photo of them from behind. Something so that your online prince charming can get a sense of how old they are. Don’t post multiple pictures of your kids on a dating website, quite frankly, there is something very perverse about that.
8. While I have you on the topic of pictures, always include at least one of you close up and one of you full length. This is enough to give your online prince charming a good sense of what you look like. You may think your ears stick out a little too much or your nose is kind of big, but trust me, getting it out there ahead of time will save you countless bad first dates with shallow men.
7. Most men are intimidated by pictures of women always dressed to the nine and done up. Keep your pictures as natural as possible and don’t overdue the makeup. Face it, no one wants to date a clown, well except maybe Bozo.
6. Avoid using phrases like “looking for an honest man.” When men hear statements like that they automatically assume that you have been cheated on and therefore probably start imagining that they can cheat on you before they have even met you. I know this is a crazy concept, but one of my dear single guy friends laid this nonsense on me a few weeks ago.
5. Keep your profile short. Men have the attention span of a preschooler!
4. Avoid group shots unless it is completely obvious which one you are in the picture. Otherwise, when you post a picture of you and your hottest friends, your online prince charming will automatically zoom into the hottest girl in the picture and assume it is you. And the look of disappointment on his face will be completely obvious on your first, and probably only date.
3. Please, please please don’t use pictures of yourself where your ex has been obviously cropped out or had a black bar placed over his eyes. No man wants to visualize that you have ever been in a relationship with another man.
2. If your name is something like Mildred or Martha, might I suggest using a nickname in your profile. You know something more youthful like Lindsey, Brittney, or Brandi. No guy wants to date their 90 year old grandma, they are looking for your inner porn star and I don’t believe there are to many porn stars named Martha or Mildred.
1. And finally, if you have more than two cats, please leave that bit of information out of your profile and save it for conversation on, oh let’s say the fourth or fifth date, you know after you have had the chance to woo your online Prince Charming. If you don’t follow this advice and choose to list that you live alone with your five cats, then most men will put you in the “spinster” category even before they get to know you.
Ladies, I beg you to heed this advice. Men, you're up next week!