And the award goes to...

I have one word to describe last nights Bachelor finale…craptastic! And in case you are wondering, I’m not using the word in a good sense. This was by far the most boring episode of the Bachelor in the history of Bachelor/Bachelorette. So instead of boring you with details of the evening, I have decided to hand out my own Bachelor Oscar awards in hopes that it gets everyone pumped up for Sunday’s Award Show.

Enjoy…

Award: Best overall line of the night
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “I’m not a robot”
Scene: In response to Jake’s Sister-n-law’s comment, “You and Tenley are quite different.”

Award: Worst Tie of the evening (blue paisley)
Goes to: Jake
Comment: Thinks the ABC stylist needs to be fired…Jake was an overall fashion disaster this season
Scene: At the Proposal Pod

Award: Ugliest Cry of the night
Goes to: Tenley
Comment: No explanation necessary. I just felt sorry for her that they kept replaying it.
Scene: Before Jake even speaks one word at the final rose

Award: Worst line of the night
Goes to: Jake
Line: “What was it like to be married for three weeks?”
Scene: On his last date with Vienna

Award: Worst line of the night given in a supporting role category
Goes to: Jake
Line: “Have you ever been concerned with why the emotional chemistry is so hot but
sometimes the physical chemistry is not?”
Scene: Jake to Tenley on their last date

Award: Cheesiest moment in the history of the After the Rose Ceremony
Goes to: Jeffrey Osborn
Scene: Live performance of “On the Wings of Love” which invoked the “Spotlight Dance” circa 1979 American Bandstand style, by Jake and Vienna

Award: Best Bachelor Drinking Game ever invented
Goes to: Julie, Our resident He Who Laughs Last writer
Game: Drink one shot every time the word amazing is used
Comments: I was drunk in the first fifteen minutes…had to quit playing early in order to concentrate

Award: Best Line spoken at a He Who Laughs Last Bachelor Finale Party
Goes to: Julie, Our resident He Who Laughs Last writer
Line: “I’m not sure that I trust this guy to fly pedi eggs and bump its across the country.”

Award: Worst line spoken in a grammatical nature
Goes to: Vienna
Line: Jake and I’s relationship….
Scene: This line was said many times throughout the evening by Vienna. Makes me want to enroll her again in High School English classes.

Award: Worst reason given when asked for an explanation of feelings
Goes to: Jake, the Bachelor
Line: “Physical chemistry with Vienna is lightning hot.”
Scene: Opening monologue recap when he was telling the audience why he liked Vienna

Award: First moment we, the audience, realized Jake was going to pick Vienna
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: I know my parents are going to like Tenley, but I really want them to like Vienna
Scene: TV voice over as we were meeting Jakes family

Award: Most confused person of the evening (besides Jake)
Goes to: Jakes Mom
Reason: On more than one occasion, three to be exact, she talked about the importance of her daughters-in-law all getting along, not once did we ever hear her voice her concern for Jake’s happiness

Award: Best obvious line of the evening
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: Vienna has this way of making me feel like I’m the only guy in the room
Comment: Duh, Jake, you are the only guy in the room!

Award: Best new word to add to the Webster’s Dictionary
Goes to: Chris Hairison, Our Host
Word: The “Mesnick”
Explanation: Referring to Jake’s scene outside of the hotel when Ali left. Pulling a “Mesnick” or leaning on the railing of the hotel with your head in your hands crying uncontrollably.
Used in a sentence: When a guy pulls a Mesnick it could be a sign that he is also a wet noodle.

Award: Throw up line of the evening
Goes to: Jake, The Bachelor
Line: “Vienna is my baby”
Scene: After the rose ceremony when Chris asked him if he was happy

Award: Most orchestrated event of the whole season
Goes to: ABC production staff
Scenario: Brining Ali back as the Bachelorette
Comments: It was obvious from week two that they were prepping her for that

Award: Worst reason for dumping a perfectly good girl
Goes to: Jake, the Bachelor
Reason: “Tenley was just too perfect”
Comments: Excuse me, but isn’t that what he was so pissed at Jillian for when she dumped him the prior season? Wasn’t he to perfect for her?

Award: Worst “come hither” line of the evening
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “I would like to invite you back to my room for desert and some cheese and crackers.”
Comments: Well, if that doesn’t turn a guy on…nothing else will.,

Award: Worst ABC Tie in of the evening
Goes to: Jake
Reason: Announced as a participant on Dancing with the stars, if that doesn’t spell snooze fest I don’t know what does
Prediction: He will be voted off right after Kate Goselin for not being exciting

Award: Best Announcement of the evening
Goes to: The Oscars
Announcement: Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin as Co-host for the Oscars
Comment: WOOOOOOO WHOOOO! I cannot wait! It will be hysterical

Award: Best Kiss ass line of the evening
Goes to: Tenley
Line: “I am not in love with the idea of Jake, but I am in love with Jake because of his character and the way he lives out these characteristics. His persuing mechanisms are what excites me and for that you should be grateful because he learned it from watching you and your wife.”
Scenario: Tenley telling Jake’s dad why she thought she was falling in love with Jake.

Award: Worst timed moment of the evening
Goes to: Jake’s brothers
Moment: Jumping into the pool for a group hug after Jake just admitted that he finally had a spark with Tenley
Comment: Maybe that was the “spark” Jake was referring to when he said the “lack of it” was the reason Tenley wasn’t chosen.

Award: Runner up for best line of the evening
Goes to: Vienna
Line: “when one girl doesn’t like you, nobody likes you.”
Scene: When Jake’s mom asked her why she didn’t seem to have a lot of girlfriends.

Award: Best porno movie scene
Goes to: Jake and Vienna
Scene: Rubbing mud on each other at the Sulpher Springs Spa
Comments: To hot to talk about

Award: Funniest line of the evening
Goes to: Tenley
Line: I just want to kiss him, hug him and play with him all day long
Comments: Is this a puppy we are talking about or a grown man?

There you have it people…my Bachelor Oscars!
Until we meet again in May for the new season of the Bachelorette with Ali, the back stabber!