There is an event coming up in my life in exactly nine days that I am NOT ashamed to promote. It’s one I have become completely obsessed with. I can’t ignore it, no matter how hard I try so I am embracing it. The event is called, MY BIRTHDAY! I’m going to be 39.
T.H.I.R.T.Y-N.I.N.E, I say in a loud voice!
I remember when my mom turned forty and I thought she was old and over the hill. So, in accordance with that childhood memory, I am going to celebrate this birthday in fashion before I get to old to do so.
What am I going to do, you might ask? Well in the immortal words of Will Ferrell in Old School,
“I have a pretty nice little Saturday planned, we’re going to the Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe even a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”
Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? I know you are all jealous of me and my exciting life. But the day isn’t going to stop there, oh no. In fact, I’m sure there will be a big family party because my twin brother and his wife also share the same birthday with me…three birds with one stone, I know, how lucky is our family. And because I am not ashamed to ask for gifts, I thought I would share with you all my “gift list”…even in my old age, I’m allowed to have a gift list, at least that’s what I tell myself to keep from feeling bad that I just assume everyone wants to buy me something. But the bottom line is this, whoever said, it’s not about the gift, it’s the thought that counts” probably never got a really great gift for their birthday.
So…here it is…my 2010 Birthday wish list...in case any of you were wondering.
- A tummy tuck- this may be expensive for some of you, so I am accepting donations
- World peace…hey if Obama seems to think a new health care plan is what our country needs, then I can ask for world peace. Honestly, I think we will see monkeys fly out his ass first, but whatever floats his boat
- A dog…my kids really want one, but I honestly think I want one more than them and I am not ashamed to admit it.
- A chance to listen to Tiger Woods in a confessional…I don’t know why, I guess I’m just sick that way.
- Long hair…Every day I regret more and more cutting almost 12 inches of my hair off…why do I always think my hair grows fast? When it’s short, it doesn’t seem to grow fast…
- A home in Hawaii, with my kids, our new dog and of course Ryan Reynolds.
- A magic button that I push that somehow makes my house self cleaning, you know, kind of like my oven.
- A boyfriend who calls me beautiful instead of “lightning hot” (aka, the Bachelor), who calls me back when I hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to my heartbeat, or gurgling stomach, whichever is the loudest, who will stay awake just to watch me sleep, who kisses my forehead because he knows that’s what gets the butterflies going in my stomach, who wants to show me off to the world when I’m in my sweats and not wearing any makeup, who holds my hand in front of his friends, who thinks I’m pretty no matter what. One who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have me. The one who turns to his friends and says, “that’s her” with a big smile on his face.
- Tickets to see Creed in concert and a date with “someone who will not be named”
- A surprise
- Two celebrations a year for my birthday. And for this new rule to be accepted by everyone without a bitch session. Oh, and I want Vince Vaughn, ala Wedding Crashers to make balloon animals at both birthday parties. “Make me a bike clown!”
- A new drink concoction, created just for me! Something with VODKA, a little fruity, but not too sweet, I want to taste the VODKA!
- And for those of you on a budget, an automatic Iced Tea Maker would be great.
You have nine days people.
On your mark, get set, go!