I do not know what my problem has been these last few weeks. Suddenly I have become so sentimental about my past. I have worked so hard to not let my mind go back to the past, but I have really struggled with it as of late. There was the Smarties post a few weeks ago and now this week…another emotional reminder of the past.
But this one is kind of funny too (stick with it until the end).
Hamilton, my oldest has recently started asking me to get down his memory box to look through. Normally I like to do this kind of stuff with my kids, but every time he asks it seems like it is five minutes before bedtime and quite frankly, I just don’t have the energy at that time of night. Not that it takes a lot of energy to get a box off the closet shelf…but it’s just that usually by that time I am ready for my kids to go to bed so that I can have some quiet time and wind down for the evening. Plus a part of me thinks it’s a stall tactic for not wanting to go to bed…but I digress.
Anyway, last week Hamilton asked to get the memory box down again and this time I had no excuse…it was 7:30, far enough away from bedtime and to soon after dinner to have gotten to relaxed for the evening. So I gave in, and I am so glad I did!
The first thing we pulled out of the box was his outfit that he came home from the hospital in. It was hilarious to hear him say, “I used to be that tiny?” He didn’t believe me when I told him that the outfit was way to big on him when we brought him home. You see, he was born 5 ½ weeks early and 0-3 month clothes practically fell off of him. I had a picture of him the day we took him home and he was shocked…it was a priceless moment.
We went through the box recalling old memories and me telling him stories that he was, at times, to young to remember. It was a great moment, sharing these memories with he and Gibson. Until Gibson realized that we weren’t going to go through his memory box the same night…it was getting late. I promised him another night, and he was NOT happy. But that’s just Gibby.
Anyway, we were just getting ready to put the memory box away for the night when Hamilton noticed what looked like a handwritten letter sticking out of his memory book. He pulled it out and asked what it was. It was my handwriting, but I didn’t remember writing anything. So I decided to read it out loud to Hamilton. BIG MISTAKE! It was a letter dated January 2001 (2 months before his due date). It was my promise to him, as a mother. It was a letter about my fears and excitement of becoming a mother for the first time. I blubbered my way through the entire letter. By the end of it, I had snot dripping out of my nose. But the best part of all was looking over at Hamilton and seeing the tears and emotion in his face.
I thought you all might like to read what I wrote:
Dear Unborn Child,
I feel you inside of me and it is a sensation that I cannot explain. With each little kick I feel, I dream of the child you will become and fear the mommy I will be. I am torn apart when I think of you. On one hand, I cannot wait for you to arrive so that I can shower you with my love and affection. On the other hand, I fear your birth, because I fear the kind of mother I will be. I want to keep you inside of me where no one can hurt you and I will always be able to protect you. Deep down inside I know you will be a strong loving human being. I know you will turn out to be someone better than I could ever imagine. I know that as you grow, you will fall and I will pick you up until you can get back up on your own. I will always be on your side and I will never turn my back on you. I know that the day will come when you won’t like me very much, and I will try to be patient with you as your life changes, because so too will mine.
I can only hope and wish that I am a mother that you can be proud of. I only hope that one day we can be as close as my mom and I were. She taught me so many things and I can’t wait to teach you the same things. I wish that you came with a book of instructions to help me out, but my mom always said that being a mother comes naturally. I know that every day you are with me, I will be learning alongside with you. I ask you to be patient with me as I learn to be the best mommy to you that I can.
I want you to know that as a mother, I have great expectations for you. I think of the great things that you will be able to do because I am going to work hard to give you the opportunities to do so. But I will also let you follow your own heart and I will stand behind you and the decisions you make. I will never push you to do things that you don’t want to do. I always promise to be honest with you if you promise the same for me. Life out here is hard. There are good days and there are bad days and as you get older, you may see that the world and the people in it can sometimes be cold. I wish I could protect you from any pain or fear that you may feel, but that is yet another learning process for us. No one ever said it would be easy, but I can promise you it will be worth it. You just be the person you were raised to be and the person you feel in your heart you should be and that is all you can do.
If I could teach you one thing from the beginning it would be to remember that when you have hatred in your heart, it takes up the room that you should be filling with love for others. I know that it is hard not to hate sometimes, but let me tell you, it isn’t for us! There are a lot of lessons that you will learn in life, but forgiveness is by far the most important. I believe that a person that cannot forgive is sometimes worse off than the person needing the forgiveness. No one says you have to forgive and forget, but forgiveness is of the utmost importance.
Also, know that this world is a huge place and there are many opportunities for you here. Don’t let anyone or anything ever hold you back from going out and spreading your wings. I want you to be young and try not to grow up to fast. There is plenty of time in life for you to do the adult things, enjoy being a child! Take each day slowly. Enjoy life and have fun doing it because you will not be able to get back the days and years that go by.
Last, but not least, though there is so much more that I want to say, I want you to know that there will never be a day when I will not be here for you. I want you to know that you can always come to me, for anything, big, small or just to talk. I will do my absolute best for you and try to never fail you. Even if some day I am no longer on this earth, I will always be there for you if you keep me in your heart.
I love you baby and I always will. Nothing or no one will ever change that. You are the most important thing in my life.
Love you always,
It was silent, except for the sobbing when I got done reading the letter. Until Hamilton spoke these words…
“Priceless mommy…priceless! I love you.” And my heart melted all over again.
And in true Gibson form, the tears and emotion that Hamilton and I were sharing were immediately turned into hysterical laughter when he comes flying into the room in nothing but his underwear and a Zorro cape and says “What’s happenin’ hot stuff.” (ala Long Duck Dong, Sixteen Candles).
Seriously people, I can’t make this stuff up! Gibson makes me laugh.
I love my boys!