Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Relationship leftovers

I had dinner this weekend with an awesome friend of mine, Stephanie. She and I have only been friends for a couple of years but have really grown close and bonded quickly. We met because we have a mutual friend in common. Ironically, neither of us sees this mutual friend much anymore.

Stephanie and I have a lot in common, but the biggest things are the fact that we have both been divorced about the same amount of time, we each have two kids about the same ages, and we both love being single, but deep down would love to be in long term committed relationships. Stephanie and I have definitely had our man struggles these past couple of years but have always been there to support one another through the good, the bad and the ugly. Never have we uttered the words “I told you so” or “what are you thinking” or “WTF?” if we don’t agree with something the other is doing. We have both figured out how to be supportive while also giving our two cents with gentleness and kindness. I can always expect complete honesty from Stephanie when discussing issues in our lives.

She has also been really good about reminding me that being single does not mean there is something wrong with me, nor should being married be an expectation. She just helps me keep my life in perspective! She helps me remember to seize the day, take advantage of the opportunities that may come my way, and always see the positive in everything!

Now the reason I tell you this is because Stephanie recently had a hiccup in her relationship with her ex husband and his current wife. I call her “current wife”, because I am confident that he will not stay married to her either. I know this is harsh, but it is a reality that she may have to deal with sooner rather than later. The ex is a man with lots of issues who has been in and out of therapy and hasn’t changed his ways much over the years. I think that if/when the relationship comes to an end it will be because the “current wife” has had enough.

One of our topics of discussion at dinner this weekend was an email conversation that Stephanie had been having with the “current wife”. I feel really bad for Stephanie because she is a good person with a huge heart, that loves her kids dearly and just happens to be in a screwed up relationship with her ex. He is a lot like my ex in the fact that they don’t live in the real world. They are all about the “things” in life and the image they portray to other people.

Anyway the gist of the email conversation is that the “current wife” can’t let her husband fight his own battles. He can’t stand up for himself so she feels the need to chime in and stand up for him. Totally screwed up in my mind! The “current wife” took her comments way to far and pushed Stephanie over the edge. Stephanie replied back with some very hurtful yet truthful things. Stephanie felt very guilty for her comments, but I reassured her that she was only brutal in the heat of anger and after taking so many years of shit from these two, it was an inevitable response. These comments were based on Stephanie’s experiences with her ex and the fact that what comes around goes around. What the “current wife” doesn’t get is that she could end up being exactly like my friend one day.

This conversation was just a subtle reminder to me that the way a man treats his ex is a great indicator of how he will treat you. Keep in mind ladies, when picking your future dates, that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you are dealing with the ex-wife of your current boyfriend/husband like my friend Stephanie is, more than likely it means there is more to the story than what your boyfriend is telling you. I mean if a man does everything possible to get out of paying child support for the kids he has had with his ex wife, or doesn’t feel like he needs to chip in and pay for his daughters education, wake up honey, these are clear indicators of your future with him. Always remember that the way a man treats his mother and/or ex-wife is really a good representation of how he will probably end up treating you in your future relationship.

1 comment:

  1. Truer words were never spoken!!! My ex hates his mother and is only good to me on every other leap year. And he has treated the women he's dated since our divorce in much the same way. You hit the nail on the head with this one!



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