What do one divorce, one semi-long term relationship and countless dates later have in common? Honestly, not much! The only two things that I can see them having in common are 1) they didn’t work out and 2) I am the common denominator in each of them. Those two thoughts alone scare the crap out of me. Could I really be the reason that all of these relationships didn’t work out? Am I that bad that I couldn’t make at least one of them work? In the past I have let thoughts like these consume me and bring me down. But it wasn’t until I completed several long hard years of therapy that I realized relationships are just vicious cycles. I have learned that I can’t completely open up and share myself, my hopes and my dreams with just anyone. I am uncomfortable talking about my childhood, sharing secrets, or sharing myself with someone who isn’t committed to me. I respect myself to much to have a sustained emotional, intellectual connection with someone who can’t see the beauty and wonder that I add to their lives. It doesn’t make sense and quite frankly, I don’t know if it will ever make sense. But this is the struggle I deal with everyday.
This is the struggle that makes it difficult to figure out how to adjust to this new way of dating that I can only describe as “instant gratification”. It is so different than it was 20 years ago when I was single. Back then it came naturally and with no pressure. Now, however, we are picking and choosing our dates from a menu…I will have an order of hot steamy sex, with a side of commitment, hold the love.
This vicious cycle then leads us to believe that every person, date and/or relationship is right for us whether it is or isn’t. Because of this, I have had to learn how to relax and go with my gut, my instinct seems to be right more often than not. We have managed to destroy the differences between sex and love and conversation from caring. We live in the moment and somehow think that that is ok.
The only way I know how to describe this type of viscious cycle is to compare it to that new cool chic “outfit” that may not be right for me at the moment but it is so stylish that I just have to try it on. The only problem with the “outfit” is that it is so far out of the norm of what I usually wear that I just never feel very comfortable in it. But I go against my instinct and buy the “outfit” anyway. I try my best to love it even when I know deep down that it just doesn’t fit me and my life style. But on the other hand I am so excited that I had the courage to go outside of my comfort zone that I just have to take a chance on it.
I continue to try my best to get comfortable with the “outfit”, but I am somehow reminded each time I wear it that I can love something, but that love alone doesn’t change the way I feel about the “outfit” that is just not right for me, no matter how stylish it is. After much consideration I give up trying to feel good about the outfit. Deep down I really believe that there is a woman out there that will look great and feel fantastic in that “outfit”. She will see the outfit and fall instantly in love with it. The “outfit” will then be in the right place at the right time. That is until the next “outfit comes along.
So you see the delima? Now the question is…how do we break this cycle of choosing what is not right for us, because we are so desperate to have something in our lives that makes us feel good, even if for a very short amount of time?
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