Friday, July 3, 2009 option

Have you ever been in a situation where the person you are trying to dump just doesn’t get it? I think most of us have experienced this in one way or another. Whether we are being dumped or the one doing the dumping, it can be very frustrating. In my own personal experience, the ones that just don’t get that they have been dumped are either controlling, wimpy, egotistical, or just plain dumb. Either way these aren’t the types of men I want to surround myself with.

I had one man in particular, Rick, who just couldn’t get it through his thick skull that I didn’t want him to be a part of my life any longer. Our relationship had just run it's course. It didn’t matter what I said to him, it never sank in. I literally told him, on more than one occasion, that I didn’t want to spend anymore time with him, dating or on a friendship level. But he just didn’t get it. I called him. I text him. I told him face to face. And I emailed him. But he still continued to ask me out. It wasn’t until weeks of me not returning his calls, texts and emails that he finally got the picture. I haven’t heard from Rick in years!

For this reason, I thought it would be funny to create a form rejection letter. Please feel free to use it at your convenience. Hopefully this will make your breakups a lot smoother than mine. I only wish I had thought of this earlier in my dating career.

Dear (insert the name, of the schmuck who just won’t go away, here),

It is with great sadness that our relationship has come to an end. Please use this letter as a means of informing you that you are no longer in the running of becoming my future husband. The list of potential candidates has grown tremendously in the past few months, and because of this, many other well qualified candidates, such as yourself, have also failed to make the final cut. However, please do not take this personally. I will keep your information on file should any openings become available in the future.

As you know, I am a big believer in helping people grow in their relationships. Because of this, I have compiled a list of possible reasons for your elimination. Please take these issues to heart and continue working on the checked items. Please DO NOT contact me for a recommendation or for a more detailed explanation on this break up.

You have been dumped for the following reason(s):

_____Your inability to show any interest whatsoever in the answers I am giving to the questions you are asking.

_____The fact that you purchase condoms in bulk from Costco clearly indicates to me that you are overqualified for this position.

_____Your total lack of consideration became apparent when you sat in my driveway and honked your horn to let me know of your arrival.

_____You did not meet the minimum height requirement. Six feet tall means at least six feet tall. I am not interested in becoming the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes of my neighborhood.

_____Your genuine surprise that I did not know who Johnny Mathis was or what songs he sang revealed to me that you do not meet my particular age requirements.

_____Your sexuality came into question when you told me the two television shows you never miss are Dancing with the Stars and your daily soap opera.

_____The fact that you broke out a buy one get one free coupon on one of our first five dates revealed to me that you clearly don’t understand the rules of courtship.

_____The fact that you asked me who my doctor was while eyeing my chest was both uncalled for and inappropriate this early in our relationship. For your information they are real!

_____Your response to my question, what is the last book you read was a clear indicator that you do not meet my intelligence requirements. For future reference, Legend of a Superhero, Volume 2, Issue 7 is not a book, it’s a comic book!

_____Your apparent inability to talk about anything other than your ex-wife/ex-girlfriend makes me think that you haven’t moved on from your last relationship.

_____I am out of your league, unfortunately it just took me a little longer to realize it!

Thank you again for the experience of dating you. I have learned so much. I hope the above suggestions will help you in your future relationships as well.

Good luck in your search,

(Sign your name here)

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