This bachelorette makes me want to pull a Mesnick

Sorry my recap is a day late, but honestly, I tried, I really tried to watch the season premier and blog about it yesterday, but I just couldn’t get into it! I was so pumped to watch the first episode of the Bachelorette with America’s Sweetheart Ali, on Monday night, but I struggled, I really struggled. Ali is by far one of the most annoying people I have ever watched on TV. With her silly giggle, tense shoulders, and fake hair, I just couldn’t come up with a great re-cap ala last year’s On the Wings of Love.

So to keep it interesting (unlike Monday nights season premier) I’ve decided on a new format for my Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps…I hope you enjoy.

My hopes for this season’s Bachelorette: America’s Sweetheart

1. I hope that Ali finds a hairbrush this season.
2. I hope that ABC will not show her “pouty” face more than three times an episode
3. I hope that we won’t have to hear over and over and over again about how Ali messed up last season by choosing her career over the man of her dreams.
4. I hope that Ali doesn’t bug the crap out of me, as predicted, because if she does I will totally lose interest this season
5. I hope to see lots of buff guys making fools of themselves on national television…face it, it’s just good blog material.

The Bachelors

Chris H., 27
Real Estate Developer
Memorable Moment: Looks like Brody Jenner
Nickname: Brody
Standing: Rose

Jesse, 24
General Contractor
Memorable Moment: “How do you feel about dating a peculiar man?”
Nickname: Mr. Peculiar
Standing: Rose

Chris L., 32
Landscaper
Memorable Moment: when he told Ali she was “wicked hawt”.
Nickname: Cape Cod Chris
Standing: Rose

Ty, 31
Medical Sales
Memorable Moment: Good old country boy from TN who is the resident divorcee
Nickname: Bless his Heart
Standing: Rose

Frank, 31
Retail Manager (aka…Cashier at Target)
Memorable Moment: Came out of the limo via the sunroof
Nickname: Frankie Boy
Standing: Rose

On a side note: my annoyance factor with Ali is already high and we have only met the first five Bachelors…give me strength!

Justin, 26
Entertainment Wrestler
Memorable Moment: Absolutely loved it when he referred to the other guys as “jabroni’s” when talking to Ali
Nickname: R-Rated
Standing: Rose

Jay, 29
Lawyer
Memorable Moment: kept calling Ali “Sweetie” in a stalkerish kind of way…very creepy
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname, sorry, that’s how I roll)
Standing: No Rose

Chris N, 29
Entrepreneuer
Memorable Moment: Don’t remember
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Kasey, 27
Advertising Account Executive
Memorable Moment: watching him in the scenes for upcoming episodes, he seems a bit looney if you ask me.
Nickname: Nose talker
Standing: Rose


Kyle, 26
Outdoorsman
Memorable Moment: when he gets out of the limo and tries to “reel” her in with his imaginary fishing pole. I don’t know about you but I was very uncomfortable at that particular moment.
Nickname: no rose = no nickname
Standing: No Rose

Roberto, 26
Insurance Agent
Memorable Moment: He is definitely my front runner which can only mean one thing, he is the one with the girlfriend. I soooooo hope not, but I have a feeling.
Nickname: Rico Suave
Standing: Rose

Craig M., 34
Dental Sales
Memorable Moment: when he told Ali that he was glad he wasn’t Vienna and dating Jake
Nickname: Toupee Tom
Standing: Rose

John N., 27
Engineer Software Sales
Memorable Moment: (crickets…chrp, chrp)
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Tyler V., 25
Online advertising
Memorable Moment: (crickets…chrp, chrp)
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

John C., 32
Hotel Business Developer
Memorable Moment: broke out a cubic zirconium, got down on one knee in an attempt to woo Ali upon their first meeting
Nickname: Cheese King
Status: Rose

Bare with me…only ten more cheese balls to go…

Jonathan, 30
Weatherman
Memorable Moment: in general, he is just a cheesy weather man and always seems to act like he is on camera. Now, I get that he is actually on camera, but nothing about him says genuine.
Nickname: Ron Burgundy
Standing: Rose

Craig R., 27
Lawyer
Memorable Moment: his main goal is to rat the other guys out
Nickname: Tattle Tale Craig
Standing: Rose

Steve, 28
Sales Representative
Memorable Moment: nothing memorable, but I do remember that he looks like Mr. Shu from Glee, can you say yummy?
Nickname: Mr. Shu
Standing: Rose

Kirk, 27
Sales Consultant
Memorable Moment: there were actually two for Kirk. First was the way he fashioned a rose out of the red handkerchief in his jacket pocket and second was the scrapbook he made for Ali that told the story of him
Nickname: Martha Stewart
Standing: Rose

Tyler, 25
Catering Manager
Memorable Moment: when he stepped out of the limo in his cowboy boots and told Ali that he wore them because he thought it was so cool that she wore cowboy boots when she first met Jake…hello, awkward…Ali wasn’t wearing cowboy boots when she met Jake…and I loved that Ali openly laughed at him when he was telling the story.
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Hunter, 28
Internet Account Executive
Memorable Moment: he forgot what he wanted to say to Ali at their first meeting because he was in the limo so long that all he could concentrate on was the fact that he had to pee. There is something to be said for honesty!
Nickname: Move outta my way I gotta pee
Standing: Rose

Derek, 28
Sales Manager
Memorable Moment: he looked like the deranged son from Wedding Crashers. He brought Ali a pile of dead leaves to throw in the air and make a wish.
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Phil, 30
Insurance Manager
Memorable Moment: I got nothing on him
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Derrick, 27
Construction Engineer
Memorable Moment: telling Ali the story of his experience with pre-mature ejaculation while in college
Nickname: Shooter
Standing: No Rose

Jason, 27
Construction Consultant
Memorable Moment: got out on the wrong side of the limo, climbed up on top and flipped off…touché Frankie Boy, touché
Nickname: (no rose = no nickname)
Standing: No Rose

Ali may be impressed with this group of yahoo’s, I , on the other hand, think they are the biggest group of cheese balls I think I have ever seen…this could be a rough season for the He Who Laughs Last crew.

Overall thoughts of the Evening

Ali, (upon entering the cocktail party for the first time)“like thank you so much for allowing me to come here tonight, like let’s get this party started…OMG” ok, maybe I overexaggerated this a little, but just a little.

Kirk made her a scrapbook based on all of the things that meant the world to him, apparently there was macramé involved as well as a picture of his mom….hmmmm?

Roberto is my definite front runner and Chris H. is a very close second.

Someone needs to shut down the weatherman (aka. Ron Burgundy) like a bad ferris wheel.

The following statement from the outdoorsman kind of creeped me out, “I’m thinking of taking that first impression rose and eating it, that way it would be in my soul forever.”

The following statement from a heckler in the group when R-Rated was called out for some alone time with Ali, “you can’t go wrong with a broken leg. The sympathy card is the way to get a girl.”

Lesson of the week:

If you tell a girl the story of your experience with pre-mature ejaculation in college upon first meeting her, you will surely be going home alone.