Friday, August 21, 2009

Bad dates lead to good stories, Part #2

I recently ran into a friend that asked if I was dating anyone…I give her a look that says “yeah right, me?”…She laughs and says that she has the perfect guy she wants to fix me up with. I usually hesitate when friends want to fix me up with someone. Why you may ask? Well, in my “dating career” as I like to call it, I have found that usually the only common denominator between the two people being fixed up is that we are both single…nothing more, nothing less…and this, in more cases than not, usually leads to disaster. My friends all mean well, but I like to have more than that in common with the people I am fixed up with. With that being said, have I ever stopped a friend from fixing me up with someone…hell no, you never know when it might work out, right?

Anyway, my friend fixed me up with….oh, lets call him” Mr. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date. “ So, Mr. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date calls me on a Sunday, I, of course, didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t recognize his number. When I checked his voice mail I was pleasantly surprised by the sound of his voice. You know you can tell a lot about a guy by his voice, but that’s a blog for another day. I call Mr. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date back and we chat for a while and he seems nice enough. We both have kids in common so we talk about that before we decided to make plans to meet. We decided to meet for drinks on Wednesday evening. Between Sunday and Wednesday we text each other off and on…nothing major.

So Wednesday comes around and Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date calls me in the morning to confirm our plans. I like it when a man does this, it shows that he is just as interested in meeting me as I am in meeting him. We plan to meet at 7:30pm for a drink. At 7:15pm he calls me and asks if I would mind running an errand with him before we met. If I didn’t want to do that we could just meet a little later in the evening. I didn’t want to seem like a bitch, so I oblige. He picked me up in the parking lot of the restaurant we were supposed to meet at and I immediately had these thoughts…First, nice ride, I love it when a man pulls up in a nice large SUV, second, he is H.O.T, hot! (mentally making note to call my friend in the morning to thank her for fixing me up with the hottest guy on the planet) Third, WTF? (this thought only came to mind after I opened the car door to get in). What sparked the thought in number three you might ask? When I opened the car door I was appalled at what I saw. The inside of his vehicle was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. I only know how to explain it by listing the things that were so wrong…

1. When I opened the door, it was almost as if it was a slow motion experience. As I was opening the door, Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date is waving his hand saying NOOOOOOOO…and as he was saying NOOOOOO in slow motion out come four spray paint cans and some wire on a roll of some kind. My immediate reaction is to chase the four paint cans around the parking lot until I get them all put back in the car. And then I go after the roll of wire that is slowly unraveling on the pavement. I kid you not. All of this is happening while Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date is just sitting there.

2. He had a wad of $100 bills spread out in the console between the two front seats along with a leather wallet that was torn completely in half and stuffed with credit cards and receipts. Seriously, can you not put your money away…guys that live by cash and flaunt it like that make me nervous!

3. The passenger seat looked like coffee had been spilled on it over a year ago and never been cleaned up.

4. There was nowhere for me to put my feet because the floor of the passenger seat was covered with crap…along with spray paint cans and a spool of wire that I chased in the freaking parking lot.

5. There were cigarette ashes all over the front of the car, not just in the ash tray…smokers in general are a total turn off, but ones that can’t smoke neatly are even worse.

6. The booster seats that his kids sat in were layered with crap! Now, I will be the first to admit that my kids booster seats aren’t the cleanest all of the time, but I try to clean them really good a couple of times a month.

7. There was crap on the floor of the back seat that came all the way up to the seat…I have no idea where his kids put their feet when they were in the car.

Ok…enough about his car…I could spend all night talking about it, but I think the rest of the story is more humorous! So…Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date immediately apologizes for the mess in his car by saying it just came back from getting serviced. Now, I have gotten my cars serviced quite a bit in the past and this I know…If I send a clean car to the service department, I usually get a clean car in return. Maybe his service department is different than mine, who knows!

You now might be wondering about the “quick errand” Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date needs to do…well, we had to go pick up a trailer to give to one of his crew members later in the evening. I, like you, am wondering…hmmm…what does later in the evening mean? I ignore the thought and try to give Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date the benefit of the doubt. So we start driving down this country road, that I didn’t even know existed, to pick up this trailer. As you can imagine, crazy thoughts come to mind…thoughts like he is trying to find this spot that no one knows about so that he can take me there and chop my body to pieces and hide them in containers of fermaldohide…you know, basic thoughts like that. But, thank God, we quickly arrive at our destination. He asks me to hop out of the SUV and tell him when he has backed the truck up enough to hook it to the trailer. WTF? Does he think I’m the kind of girl that knows how the hell to hook a trailer to a truck. I’m in a pair of three inch heels and True Religion jeans…I don’t know nothin’ bout hookin’ trailers up to trucks!

He finally gets the trailer hooked up and we hop in the truck off to our destination to finally get the drink I’ve been dying for, when he asks the following question. Do you mind if we run up to “insert name of a particular store here” to pick up some supplies for my crew to use tonight? “Seriously” is the thought that immediately comes to mind…but again, trying not to be a bitch I say I’m ok with it. Actually this may give us some one on one time to carry on a decent conversation, right? WRONG! We get in the car and he talks on the phone the entire 20 minutes we are in the car. We get to the store to pick up the supplies and I ask him if he wants me to wait in the car or come in with him. He says he wants me to come in with him and then takes off. I am now about ten feet behind him…we go into the store and he immediately goes to the back storage room and leaves me hanging! He loads the stuff up in the trailer and apologizes for making the extra stop…I’m ok…but really ready for that drink. He starts the car and the phone rings…he talks for a couple of minutes and then hangs up. And asks the dreaded question…Do you mind if we go take this trailer up the street so my crew can get an early start on their job tonight? WTF? Now what am I supposed to say? Again I think this might give us some time to talk…I know, I know…what was I thinking?

We get to the place where his crew is and he hops out of the truck to make the drop of supplies. I hear the trailer door slam and think…yeah…finally going to get that drink he promised me! Oh no…he stands in the parking lot for 20 minutes, yes, 20 minutes and talks to his crew while I’m in the front seat with my feet resting wobbily on freaking paint cans wishing I were at home drinking by myself. The guys are yucking it up and laughing in the parking lot like they are in a locker room…I don’t think they were talking about business. Hell, for all I know, he is laughing at me and planning his next “errand”.

You laugh…but it could happen, right? WRONG again! Finally we are off to get that drink that I am more than desperately needing. The 20 minutes in the car absolutely sucked! We talked about his business and that’s it…nothing else…he asked me about my job but he is totally one of those guys that asks a question even though he has absolutely no interest in hearing the answer.

We get to the bar and he asks me what I want to drink…”Grey Goose” I say…and he says “what would you like it mixed with”, I say “nothing, straight up in a shot glass”. Classy, right! Well I think I deserved it. But the evening gets better! I know…you are wondering, how could it possibly get better? Well we toast to new friends, I down the shot, and he asks for the bill because he has to go meet his crew at 9:30pm. Yep, that’s it! Three errands, two phone calls, and one shot later and I am at home in bed laughing hysterically at the events of the evening.

To top it off…he texts me on Saturday to let me know that he had a good time…I replied to a couple of his text messages, but eventually stopped replying and never spoke to Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date again.

Bottom line: DATING SUCKS!


  1. OMG! This is hysterical! I see a reoccuring theme here with your feet (paint cans, massages, etc.) Never date a podiatrist. It will lead to no good!

  2. Oh my gosh, how ridiculous! I mean, seriously, who does that? Good thing you have a sense of humor. Ugh!

  3. Aptly named, this one is a loser!



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