Truly Julie

I’ll admit it…I’ve been in a funk for the past few days. I’ll own it! It’s completely true. There are times in my life where I just throw up my hands and say “SHIT…I’ve got NOTHING!” What now? Well today was one of those days.

Welcome to my Monday! I was a major grump this morning…just ask my kids, they can attest to it!

So I’m sitting in my car in the garage contemplating the outcome of such a crazy weekend…I think to myself that I need something, anything to get me in a better mood before I get to the office. I start frantically looking through my CD’s hoping that I will find something that will put a pep in my step, a bing in my bounce, a smile on my face…please let there be something. I come across an unlabeled CD…I put it in and BINGO, exactly what I needed to put a smile on my face…

Let me tell you a little bit about this particular CD that I chose to listen to. It is a CD of seven different songs…songs written by a friend of mine that I went to High School with. This guy…I will call him Superman, was a great friend in High School. We lost touch shortly after my freshman year in college and we recently got to spend some time together at my twenty year high school reunion. He was always the slacker…the funny guy in school. He was the one that didn’t have much ambition but for some reason you always knew he would be ok…maybe not successful, but ok.

A couple of years after we graduated high school Superman started taking guitar lessons. He would practice day and night…seven days a week. He finally got good enough that he put lyrics to his music. We reconnected briefly a year or so before our twenty year reunion and he was so excited to tell me about how hard he had been working on his music career. He was even playing in local bars and had put his music to CD.

I was honored at our twenty year reunion when he told me he wrote a song about me. I was actually kind of touched, maybe even a little teary eyed…I didn’t know that I had had that much of an impact on Superman in high school. I was so excited when he gave me a copy of the CD with my song on it. Imagine my surprise when I popped the CD in for the first time that weekend and heard the following lyrics:

Truly Julie

Truly Julie, you are truly
Hot like sunshine
But more cooly
Truly Julie, you are truly
Fine from behind
I’m not fooling
Truly Julie, it is truly
Hard not to find
Me here drooling

Repeat three more times…

I kid you not…that is the first and hopefully only song I will ever have written about me. But I can't help smiling and laughing every time I hear this song. This is the craft that Superman had worked so hard on for almost twenty years! Imagine my gratitude when I popped the unlabeled CD into my car this morning…if those lyrics don’t put a smile on my face…then nothing would. I have to say out of the other songs on the CD my lyrics by far beat out Bridgette's rambling with midgets, Jennifer the rock star, Christina the Jim beam drinking ballerina, Kristen who is blue like the rain, and Molly who likes watching the Beaver and playing basketball.

I’m such a lucky girl!

I may be a divorced single mom, but I effing ROCK

"Let's just be friends"...I don't think there is a more condescending sentence in the English language. I HATE THIS LINE...I hate hearing it and I hate using it. Why is it that we always hear this line when people break up? I mean if you really think about it, it's a huge stab in the back! But it is probably better than hearing something like, "I just don't want to go out with you" or "I don't like you like that" or I know we have been going out for a while, but I think I can do better" and last but not least, it is certainly better than hearing, "So long, and thanks for the great sex."

Actually, the more I think about it, I would rather hear the "let's be friends" crap than something that starts out like, "you are a great girl, but..." But? But what? Hello, I know I am a great girl! I read, I write, I think, I'm funny, active, kind, caring, honest, creative and empathetic. Heck, I'm even a great mom! But let me let you in on a little secret...I'm not just a great girl, I'm an EFFING GREAT GIRL! Trust me, your mom could only hope that you would end up with a girl like me. And your friends? Yeah, they would be impressed by me too. In fact, if they knew you just wanted to be friends with me, they would think you were crazy!

Nine times out of ten when I hear this line, it's because my physical type doesn't match what most men think they want. I am, in a word, average. I'm 5'6 (but wear heels every day, so this makes me 5'9) which is not much shorter than the average guy. Side note: Have you ever noticed that most men who are 5'10 and 5'11 will say they are six feet tall? What do you think I won't notice how tall you are when we meet? Sorry...back on track. Bottom line, I'm not a super hard bodied girl! I work out consistently and hard three days a week and eat healthy 90% of the time.

Let's face it, I AM NOT, nor will I ever be a waif, or petite or athletic and toned or slender as some online profiles like to categorize body types. I will always consider myself average...and most men don't want average! I may not physically be what you envision, but I am GREAT! If I could trade in being great for being someone who is the media's standard of pretty, I wouldn't do it! Because you know what...pretty fades in ten years. And in ten years, I will still be active, caring, creative, empathetic, funny and a great mom...even if I do look like a troll. Best part, I will still be able to make you smile and crack stupid jokes even if I have to wear coke bottle glasses and scrape my boobs up off of the ground! I will still EFFING ROCK, will you?

So to answer your question, No...I don't really want to be friends. I don't need anymore pen pals, text buddies or beer partners! Bottom line, you don't think I am attractive and every time I would hang out with you I would be self conscious that you think I'm ugly and I then wouldn't be able to act like myself around you. So, I will continue to be friendly because that is the kind of person I am but you can take your "I can do better" attitude and stick it where the sun don't shine. I no longer need "friends" like you in my life!

Yeah, so you know who you are

Ok…so I ran into this guy last week…well, I didn’t actually run into him, but we were at the same place three different times in less than 24 hours, THREE CHANCE MEETINGS, mind you. I think this constitutes “running into him”, right? I vaguely met him a few months ago , and oh yeah, we also talked on the phone once before a meeting we both attended. He was a very nice guy; young, shy, quiet and by the way, H.O.T. hot!

Well, for some reason, I just struggle when it comes to getting my brain to get my body to do what it should! So let me lay this scene out for you as it played out in my head:

Leading Man: H.O.T hot young buck with a good head on his shoulders
Leading Lady: ahem…Me
Scene: Me, wondering if H.O.T. hot young buck with a good head on his shoulders could possibly be interested in me, a divorced single mom with two awesome boys and a lot on her plate at the moment. And if he is interested, would I maybe possibly be interested back (hell yes is the answer to this question)? But what if he isn’t interested in me…do I get upset or just not care? And if I don’t care, why? I should care because there is absolutely nothing wrong with him or me, for that matter, except that maybe he is a little young for me, or maybe that I am little old for him, but it doesn’t really matter because neither of us is going to make a move. Seriously, this is the story of my life!

At least I am now aware of my standard thought process, but I still find it very odd. Why do I do this? Why do I really care if he is single or not? Why am I curious to see if he wants to get my phone number? Why am I even thinking about this? Fact is…he wasn’t interested enough to do anything about our THREE CHANCE MEETINGS!

Bottom line: When I am single, even if I’m not actively looking, I am still single and looking, and, therefore, I analyze every possible situation to the core.

So, Yes, H.O.T hot young buck with a good head on his shoulders, you are cute. Yes, I noticed you. Yes, I noticed you noticing me. Yes, we shared a couple of lingering flirtatious glances at all THREE CHANCE MEETINGS!

Here is the problem. When I was leaving the third chance meeting, and we were smiling at each other, I think that maybe, just maybe, you might have assumed that I might know what to do next…but here is a hint, I DIDN’T!

And because my legs are much faster than the processing time in my head (note above content), by the time I got to my car and realized that you were not just smiling at me, but SMILING at me…it was too late. I couldn’t hold my head up high and go back into the restaurant and strike up a conversation with you because that would just be weird, almost stalker like. Plus there is that whole, shy thing I have going on with super H.O.T hot guys!

So here is my suggestion to you, if we are so lucky as to run into each other again, please, please, please follow me, say something or better yet, hand me the instruction manual on how to approach H.O.T hot young bucks such as yourself. Please mark the pages that may be of interest to me. Obviously, I haven’t seen a copy of this top secret manual that you seem to think I might have read.

To the guy I met yesterday for coffee

Dear Coffee Guy...or as I like to call you, Steve,

Thank you so much for arriving at our planned destination five minutes early so that you wouldn't have to buy me a cup of coffee. Thank you also, for smiling warmly at me when I looked you in the eye upon arrival. Hello, it's me! The picture I sent you was a picture of me taken just a few days ago...I know you recognized me. How do I know this? Becuase you went on and on about how pretty I was in our past conversations.

Maybe those first two initial thoughts should have been red flags. But again, against my better judgment, I decided to stay and tried to have an actual conversation with you to see if we were more than just two single people being fixed up on a date by a computer generated program.

Oh how I wish I would have gone with my initial instinct and left then instead of waiting for you to openly talk about your favorite kind of movies. For future reference, porn is not a good answer, especially on a "get to know you date."

I would say thank you for the cup of coffee, but you didn't buy me one. I would also say thank you for the good conversation, but we didn't have one. I can only say thank you for saying "I'll call you" at the end of our "special time" together, because only guys that are planning on NOT calling say they will call.

One final note, I received the following text message from you five minutes after we parted ways. Ummmm...I don't think it was intended for me.

"You are the light of my life and after the not so exciting coffee date I just had, I am ready to make amends and try to work things out with you. The grass definately is not greener on the other side, you were right all along! I love you."

Based on this text message, I would like to offer you the following advice,

1. DO NOT send a text message asking for forgiveness
2. DO NOT talk about a bad date in said text message
3. DO try a face to face apology with flowers and a nice dinner

It's no wonder why you are still single.

Good luck in life,
Ms. You don't know what you are missing

What men really think

Have you ever had a “light bulb moment”? You know, been put in a situation where you finally get what people have been telling you all along? I sometimes have these moments…and when I do, they are normally like huge spotlight moments not just little flashlight type moments. This “moment” I had recently was a real wake up call for me… What I learned is that most women DO NOT get approached by men because they think she is moral, funny, smart, or has her head on straight. Nope…it just doesn’t work that way! Most men approach women with the initial intention of sleeping with her, not to make friends with her. Yep, it’s true…how do I know? Well, I asked my guy friends and they all agreed. I mean if you really think about it, most men have male friends already and none of them wear makeup and smell pretty, right?

So, I decided to take my questioning with these men a step further by asking my guy friends what drives them when it comes to women and dating. Most of them said that they are driven by what pleases them visually, and therefore, they act out of instinct and only think in the moment. So based on this information, I believe that if women can be taught to understand a man’s dating behavior, she could possibly be able to control, predict, and successfully learn how to speak “man”, right?

A couple of my friends took it even further and said that when they see women they involuntarily classify them into two groups; would sleep with and wouldn’t sleep with. The “would sleep with group” are women that would normally have the upper hand in a relationship. These are the women who would carefully need to figure out how to sift through the losers. The “wouldn’t sleep with group” are basically not even thought about and ignored by most men. I know this is shallow…but my guy friends said that most men think this way and if they don’t they are lying to themselves and to you.

With these thoughts in the back of my mind I asked my friends how they would classify a woman based on what she is wearing, and here are the four scenarios I gave them along with their conclusions.

SCENARIO #1
Woman dressed in high heels, tight jeans and a fashionable shirt

What a man thinks when he sees this: “This chick is H.O.T, hot! I think she may be the woman I have always been looking for. She obviously wants men to approach her. I can’t imagine being her boyfriend because it would be too much of a challenge dealing with the looks, comments, and thoughts of other men. Is she trying to prove something? I don’t think I could ever take her home to mom.

Conclusion: This girl is way to dangerous to persue for anything long term…maybe a one night stand, but nothing more.

SCENARIO #2
Woman dressed in relaxed jeans, flip flops and a T-shirt

What a man thinks when he sees this: “She is a pretty girl. She is obviously comfortable with her looks. She isn’t too concerned with what other people think about her. She seems pretty approachable and would probably be pretty fun to hang out with.”

Conclusion: On track to the friendship train…Choo Choo!


SCENARIO #3
Woman dressed in business attire with perfect nails and perfect hair

What a man thinks when he sees this: “She is definitely successful. She is career minded and very independent. But will she ever need me to take care of her. I like a woman that I can take care of. She seems a little high maintenance and could be looking for a sugar daddy. She may out think me, out spend me, and possibly even out maneuver me.”

Conclusion: Maybe she could do my taxes or help me with my investments.

SCENARIO #4
Woman dressed in workout clothes and hair in a pony tail with no makeup

What a man thinks when he sees this: “Wow! She is cute and definitely comfortable in her own skin.” This girl is hot and is not even trying. She seems to be down to earth and into taking care of herself, but not shallow and vain. She seems like the girl next door type. Definitely the kind of girl I can take home to my mom. Oh wait…did she just smile at me? I can’t pass up this opportunity…I’m going to introduce myself.”

Conclusion: Oh yeah…this is the girl for me!

Ok…so does this mean that you should stop dressing to feel good when you go out, or stop wearing business suits to work or stop wearing t-shirts and jeans on Saturdays when you are running errands and start wearing your workout clothes everywhere you go? Of course not! This simple survey was just given to my guy friends to help us girls have a better understanding of what the average guy sees when they first meet us… In fact, I wonder what a guy would think if he passed me on the street wearing a pencil skirt, fashionable shirt, tennis shoes and my hair up in a pony tail with no make up on…I bet it would make him go…hmmmmmm?

Bad dates lead to good stories, Part #2

I recently ran into a friend that asked if I was dating anyone…I give her a look that says “yeah right, me?”…She laughs and says that she has the perfect guy she wants to fix me up with. I usually hesitate when friends want to fix me up with someone. Why you may ask? Well, in my “dating career” as I like to call it, I have found that usually the only common denominator between the two people being fixed up is that we are both single…nothing more, nothing less…and this, in more cases than not, usually leads to disaster. My friends all mean well, but I like to have more than that in common with the people I am fixed up with. With that being said, have I ever stopped a friend from fixing me up with someone…hell no, you never know when it might work out, right?

Anyway, my friend fixed me up with….oh, lets call him” Mr. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date. “ So, Mr. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date calls me on a Sunday, I, of course, didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t recognize his number. When I checked his voice mail I was pleasantly surprised by the sound of his voice. You know you can tell a lot about a guy by his voice, but that’s a blog for another day. I call Mr. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date back and we chat for a while and he seems nice enough. We both have kids in common so we talk about that before we decided to make plans to meet. We decided to meet for drinks on Wednesday evening. Between Sunday and Wednesday we text each other off and on…nothing major.

So Wednesday comes around and Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date calls me in the morning to confirm our plans. I like it when a man does this, it shows that he is just as interested in meeting me as I am in meeting him. We plan to meet at 7:30pm for a drink. At 7:15pm he calls me and asks if I would mind running an errand with him before we met. If I didn’t want to do that we could just meet a little later in the evening. I didn’t want to seem like a bitch, so I oblige. He picked me up in the parking lot of the restaurant we were supposed to meet at and I immediately had these thoughts…First, nice ride, I love it when a man pulls up in a nice large SUV, second, he is H.O.T, hot! (mentally making note to call my friend in the morning to thank her for fixing me up with the hottest guy on the planet) Third, WTF? (this thought only came to mind after I opened the car door to get in). What sparked the thought in number three you might ask? When I opened the car door I was appalled at what I saw. The inside of his vehicle was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. I only know how to explain it by listing the things that were so wrong…

1. When I opened the door, it was almost as if it was a slow motion experience. As I was opening the door, Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date is waving his hand saying NOOOOOOOO…and as he was saying NOOOOOO in slow motion out come four spray paint cans and some wire on a roll of some kind. My immediate reaction is to chase the four paint cans around the parking lot until I get them all put back in the car. And then I go after the roll of wire that is slowly unraveling on the pavement. I kid you not. All of this is happening while Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date is just sitting there.

2. He had a wad of $100 bills spread out in the console between the two front seats along with a leather wallet that was torn completely in half and stuffed with credit cards and receipts. Seriously, can you not put your money away…guys that live by cash and flaunt it like that make me nervous!

3. The passenger seat looked like coffee had been spilled on it over a year ago and never been cleaned up.

4. There was nowhere for me to put my feet because the floor of the passenger seat was covered with crap…along with spray paint cans and a spool of wire that I chased in the freaking parking lot.

5. There were cigarette ashes all over the front of the car, not just in the ash tray…smokers in general are a total turn off, but ones that can’t smoke neatly are even worse.

6. The booster seats that his kids sat in were layered with crap! Now, I will be the first to admit that my kids booster seats aren’t the cleanest all of the time, but I try to clean them really good a couple of times a month.

7. There was crap on the floor of the back seat that came all the way up to the seat…I have no idea where his kids put their feet when they were in the car.

Ok…enough about his car…I could spend all night talking about it, but I think the rest of the story is more humorous! So…Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date immediately apologizes for the mess in his car by saying it just came back from getting serviced. Now, I have gotten my cars serviced quite a bit in the past and this I know…If I send a clean car to the service department, I usually get a clean car in return. Maybe his service department is different than mine, who knows!

You now might be wondering about the “quick errand” Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date needs to do…well, we had to go pick up a trailer to give to one of his crew members later in the evening. I, like you, am wondering…hmmm…what does later in the evening mean? I ignore the thought and try to give Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date the benefit of the doubt. So we start driving down this country road, that I didn’t even know existed, to pick up this trailer. As you can imagine, crazy thoughts come to mind…thoughts like he is trying to find this spot that no one knows about so that he can take me there and chop my body to pieces and hide them in containers of fermaldohide…you know, basic thoughts like that. But, thank God, we quickly arrive at our destination. He asks me to hop out of the SUV and tell him when he has backed the truck up enough to hook it to the trailer. WTF? Does he think I’m the kind of girl that knows how the hell to hook a trailer to a truck. I’m in a pair of three inch heels and True Religion jeans…I don’t know nothin’ bout hookin’ trailers up to trucks!

He finally gets the trailer hooked up and we hop in the truck off to our destination to finally get the drink I’ve been dying for, when he asks the following question. Do you mind if we run up to “insert name of a particular store here” to pick up some supplies for my crew to use tonight? “Seriously” is the thought that immediately comes to mind…but again, trying not to be a bitch I say I’m ok with it. Actually this may give us some one on one time to carry on a decent conversation, right? WRONG! We get in the car and he talks on the phone the entire 20 minutes we are in the car. We get to the store to pick up the supplies and I ask him if he wants me to wait in the car or come in with him. He says he wants me to come in with him and then takes off. I am now about ten feet behind him…we go into the store and he immediately goes to the back storage room and leaves me hanging! He loads the stuff up in the trailer and apologizes for making the extra stop…I’m ok…but really ready for that drink. He starts the car and the phone rings…he talks for a couple of minutes and then hangs up. And asks the dreaded question…Do you mind if we go take this trailer up the street so my crew can get an early start on their job tonight? WTF? Now what am I supposed to say? Again I think this might give us some time to talk…I know, I know…what was I thinking?

We get to the place where his crew is and he hops out of the truck to make the drop of supplies. I hear the trailer door slam and think…yeah…finally going to get that drink he promised me! Oh no…he stands in the parking lot for 20 minutes, yes, 20 minutes and talks to his crew while I’m in the front seat with my feet resting wobbily on freaking paint cans wishing I were at home drinking by myself. The guys are yucking it up and laughing in the parking lot like they are in a locker room…I don’t think they were talking about business. Hell, for all I know, he is laughing at me and planning his next “errand”.

You laugh…but it could happen, right? WRONG again! Finally we are off to get that drink that I am more than desperately needing. The 20 minutes in the car absolutely sucked! We talked about his business and that’s it…nothing else…he asked me about my job but he is totally one of those guys that asks a question even though he has absolutely no interest in hearing the answer.

We get to the bar and he asks me what I want to drink…”Grey Goose” I say…and he says “what would you like it mixed with”, I say “nothing, straight up in a shot glass”. Classy, right! Well I think I deserved it. But the evening gets better! I know…you are wondering, how could it possibly get better? Well we toast to new friends, I down the shot, and he asks for the bill because he has to go meet his crew at 9:30pm. Yep, that’s it! Three errands, two phone calls, and one shot later and I am at home in bed laughing hysterically at the events of the evening.

To top it off…he texts me on Saturday to let me know that he had a good time…I replied to a couple of his text messages, but eventually stopped replying and never spoke to Mr. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do on a first date again.

Bottom line: DATING SUCKS!

HELP...I can't keep up with kids these days

One thing my new found adventure of online dating has made me grossly aware of is that I am so old school when it comes to technology. I’m an emailer and a texter…but that is about as far as my technological realm stretches. I thought I was doing well and keeping up with the” kids”…you know…being cool and all with my blackberry that gets Face Book, emails, texts, pictures, movies and music…but oh no…what I have come to realize is that I am behind the time…in a major way. I sometimes feel like Drew Barrymore’s character in He’s Just Not That In To You when she says this,

“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work, so I called him at home and then he emailed me to my blackberry and so I texted to his cell phone and then he emailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. I miss the days where you had one phone number and one answering machine that housed one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message on it from a guy or it didn’t. Now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies…it’s exhausting! “

My new found form of communication has become Instant Messaging. I don’t like it, but it seems to be the thing to do with potential mates from Match.com. It’s a way to have an instant, quick conversation with someone to see if there is some kind of connection. I don’t know what kind of potential connection you can have with someone via online chat, but hey, I’m willing to go with the flow and see what happens. But what I’m learning is that I have absolutely no clue about the “language” used…all the abbreviations for different terms…I can’t keep up. Lucky for me, I work with High School kids and if there is any one group of people that knows more about the language of texting and instant messaging it’s these guys. So I recruited a couple of kids to give me a breakdown of this new language. I was overwhelmed with the many different terms that are used…and I though maybe you guys would be interested in this very “in depth research” that I have done.

Check these out…

ABT2- About to
AIGHT- All right
AKA- Also known as
ALOL- Actually laughing out loud
AML- All my love
B4- Before
BAK- Back at my keyboard
BB- Be Back
BIF- Before I forget
BI5- Back in five
BBL- Be back later
BB4N- Bye bye for now
BRB- Be right back
BBL- Be back later
BD- Big deal
BWDIK- But what do I know
B4YKI- Before you know it
BTWITIAILWU- By the way, I think I am in love with you
B/C- Because
BTA- But then again
BFFTTE- Best friend forever till the end
COS- Change of subject
C U L8R- See you later
CSL- Can’t stop laughing
CYA- See Ya
CMU- Crack me up
DKDC- Don’t know Don’t care
DEF- Definitely
DGTG- Don’t go there girlfriend
DUST- Did you see that
DND- Do not disturb
DIY- Do it yourself
ETA- Estimated time of arrival
EZ- Easy
F2F- Face to face
FMTYEWTK- Far more than you ever wanted to know
FYSBGTBABR- Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride
FTR- For the record
FYI- For your information
FWD- Forward
FF- Friends forever
FOAF- Friend of a friend
FAWC- For anyone who cares
GF- Girlfriend
GTG- Got to go
GNBLFY- Got nothing but love for you
GRRRR- Growling
GL- Good Luck
GOI- Get over it
Grats- Congratulations
GFI- Go for it
GR8- Great
HSIK- How should I know
HIG- How’s it going
HO- Hold on
HB- Hurry back
IDC- I don’t care
ILY- I love you
IDM- It doesn’t matter
IDK- I don’t know
IYD- In your dreams
ILU- I love you
IDGI- I don’t get it
IM- Instant messaging
JK- Just kidding
JW- Just wondering
JP- Just playing
K- OK
KMP- Keep me posted
LYLAS- Love you like a sister
LYL- Love you lots
LOL- Laughing out loud
LMK- Let me know
LYLAB- Love you like a brother
L8RG8R- Later Gator
MLAS- My lips are sealed
NBD- No big deal
NM- Nothing much
NMP- Not my problem
NM- Never mind
NW- No way
NE1- Anyone
NTK- Nice to know
OMG- Oh my gosh
POS- Parents over shoulder
PAW- Parents watching
PLS- Please
QT- Cutie
QFT- Quality friend time
RUT- Are you there
RU- Are you
RBAU- Right back at you
Sk8r- Skater
SLAP- Sounds like a plan
SUP- What’s up
SUS- See you soon
SWDYT- So what did you think
TOY- Thinking of you
THX- Thanks
TBC- To be continued
TAFN- That’s all for now
TIFN- Ta Ta for now
TFLMS- Thanks for letting me share
TTG- Time to go
TBH- To be honest
TTY-L Talk to you later
TMI- To much information
U- You
U2- You too
UG2BK- You’ve got to be kidding
VM- Voice mail
WE- Whatever
WBS- Write back soon
WDYT- What do you think
WU- What’s up
WUWH- Wish you were here
WAYD- What are you doing
WITW- What in the world
WFM- Works for me
XOXO - Hugs and kisses
YA- Yeah
ZZZZ- Tired, Bored

So, BIF I CSL and wondering WITW WFM in this day and age of IM, VM, and FB. HO, IDM B/C this form of communication really just CMU. IDK if anyone else really cares, but FYSBGTBABR B/C this new language is probably FMTYEWTK, WDYT? So with that said…I’m ZZZZ! GL 2U and TFLMS this important information with U. TTFN, XOXO…

BTW…it only took me 10 minutes to write that paragraph…

Seriously people...do I expect to much

So…online dating, huh? Yes it sucks! But what are you going to do…suck it up and try to have as much fun as possible, right? Right! After being less than one week in, I have created this list of simple advice for men in regards to their online profiles and first dates. Just a few basic things to keep in mind…nothing major…but please, please, please…take this information to heart. Who knows, it might just help you out in the long run! I’m sure you men have some advice for women as well…if you do, please leave it in the comment section and I will be glad to write an unbiased blog with your suggestions for women as well!

Here goes...

When you say you are athletic and toned, I expect that you won’t have man boobs and a beer belly.

When you say you are six feet tall, I expect you to be six feet tall, not 5’10.

When you use “let’s have fun” as your tag line on your online dating profile, I expect that you like to do more than just sit on your couch all day drinking beer and watching Sports Center.

When you say you like “coffee and conversation”, I assume you like to talk and won’t expect me to carry every single conversation we have.

When you say you are funny, I assume there will be some laughter involved when we talk.

When filling out your online profile, I expect that you will have more requirements in your mate than just being between three feet and eight feet tall.

When I ask you how long you have been divorced, I expect you to be able to rattle off a number, give or take six months, without having to find your divorce decree.

When we are on a date, please don’t ever refer to you ex-wife as your wife…one slip up may be acceptable, but seriously, three times in one night…NOT ACCEPTABLE!

When we go on a date, I would expect you to use manners and some kind of utensils, either a fork or chopsticks and NOT your fingers, when eating sushi off of the same plate as mine.

When I read your profile, I will assume that it is heartfelt and genuine and not full of bull shit and fluff because it is what you think women want to here. Believe me fellas, we can see right through that stuff.

If you want me to respond to your wink or email, please post a nice photo of you taken by a friend, one that is without an ex-wife/ex-girlfriend, one where you are fully clothed, and one of you that is not taken by you standing in front of your bathroom mirror.

Like a lot of women, I like to see fun pictures you have taken, but please post pictures of yourself on your profile as well. I love that you have photographed some of the most beautiful places on earth, believe me, I do, but what I really want is to see a picture of you first and not your freaking cat playing a guitar!

And last but certainly not least…please, please, please don’t ever post things like “good N long lasting” on your profile…that kind of crap makes me want to throw up!

Bad dates lead to good stories, Part #1

Notice the title of this blog…this one is Bad dates lead to good stories, Part #1. It’s number one because I have had many horrible dates in the past yet to talk about and if my luck continues as it has in the past, there will be many more bad dates in the future to tell you about! With that being said…I don’t think I have ever had as bad of a date as I did this past weekend…I will just preface this story by saying…”oh no he didn’t” will definitely come out of your mouth before the end of this story.

Ok…so I told you last week that I signed up for Match again and from the very moment I hit “pay” on the online application I regretted it. On the first day I had 150 emails & winks to respond to…and out of all 150 matches, as predicted, only two were even half way decent. The kicker is that these two profiles did NOT have accompanying pictures. Against my better judgment, I decided to ask for pictures of these two men because they had interesting profiles. The one I am going to talk about today is one I think I will call “Ass”. I’m going to call him Ass because this is honestly the first time I have ever been out with a guy who acted like an Ass so early on. This behavior usually takes a while to appear, but he managed to make it happen on the 2nd date…a new record!

Anyway, Ass and I went out for Sushi last week. He was a nice enough guy, but definitely not my type. He was ok looking, shy, quiet, reserved, and not much of a conversationalist. I’m looking for someone that is outgoing, an extrovert, creative, funny and honest…he didn’t match up at all, but I thought I would give him a 2nd chance. My thought behind the second chance was that maybe he needed to get to know me a little better to get through his shyness. But what I really learned is that I need to trust my gut instinct…from now on, I’m going with the gut!

The issues with Ass started immediately after this Sushi date. He began texting and calling me like his phone plan was going to end tomorrow…non-stop! At first it was very flattering, but it became so obnoxious so quick that I was getting irritated. By Friday evening he was already telling me that he missed me. Keep in mind we had gone out on ONE less than memorable 2hr date only 48hours prior and he already “missed” me…this was a little weird on my part. He kept telling me that I was pretty and funny and all I could think to say was “thank you”. I never reciprocated with the same statements because I believe in honesty and I didn’t think he was all that great looking or funny for that matter. I know that’s mean, but it’s true. At one point on Friday night I mentioned that I was going to hop in the shower, and this is where the major “red flags” came into play. In the matter of 30 minutes, I got one phone call, one voice mail and six text messages. The messages were along the lines of “where r u?” “why aren’t you texting/calling me back?” Seriously, it was only 30 minutes…kind of freaked me out.

Anyway, we decided to go out again on Sunday. The original plan was to go out, but I had had a late night on Saturday and didn’t really want to go out. So we decided to grill out and have some wine. I know…you all are thinking, “what the hell?” It’s like the guy in a horror movie that goes down to the dimly lit basement to check out the mysterious noise only to get slaughtered. The people on the outside are saying “NOOOOOOOOOOO don’t do it” but the idiot in the movie doesn’t listen. Well, just call me the "idiot" in this movie of my life. So I get to Ass’ house and things were fine…we both like golf so we were watching the end of the tournament and having a cocktail. Things seemed good, he was loosening up a little, but it was only good for a very short period of time.

After dinner we go out onto the patio of his very beautiful home. I was complaining that my feet were hurting from my run earlier in the day. He immediately grabbed my foot, without asking me mind you, and instantly started massaging it…yes, very uncomfortable moment…I pulled my leg away and he was totally offended…he just kept saying that he wanted to make me happy. I responded with “I don’t like massages.” I know this is weird, but I never have! In fact, in the span of my life, I have only had one massage that I have enjoyed and that was at the Ritz Carlton in Naples. It’s just usually something that I don’t feel like spending my money on. I can’t justify it, so I have convinced myself that I don’t like them. Anyway…Ass kept asking me all night if he could massage my feet and it didn’t matter how many times I told him no, he would continue to ask. Finally I told him NO in a louder tone and his response was again “I just want to make you happy.” Believe me I was 100% happy with him not touching me in anyway. He tried one more time and when I told him I was happy not having him massage my feet he asked me to leave! Can you believe it? So I immediately got up and left, a little freaked out! The thought of the entire evening still makes me want to throw up a little in my mouth.

It wasn’t ten minutes after I left that he started the following text conversation:

ASS: Y leave so fast?

ME: Seriously? I don’t stay where I’m not wanted…

ASS: It takes tons to be friends. Tons and tons. You r tough to read (hmm…I wonder what part of, I don’t enjoy massages, was tough to figure out)

ME: I’m not willing to put in ANY effort into having a friendship of any kind with you. Please don’t contact me again!

ASS: Fine! Good Bye!

Yep, that’s it! That’s the kind of crap I deal with…daily! I secretly hope that there are others out there on Match that have these kinds of issues…because that’s what gets me through the day, just knowing that other people have to weed through the psychos too. Surely there are other women out there attracting screwballs like this wondering how many more frogs they have to date to find a Prince.

Bottom line: DATING SUCKS!

Oh what I would do to have her back for one moment

For me, this is the saddest day of the year. A day of heartache and pain…I remember her last day as if it were yesterday. Her loving family gathered around to say their good byes, my distraught dad overwhelmed with emotion, sitting by her bed willing her to get better or pass peacefully. Sitting by her bedside holding her hand as life left her body was more emotional for me than anything I have ever experienced. The year, the day, the hour are forever burned in my brain. Today, August 17, 2009 is the 10th anniversary of my mom’s death. Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock…turn back the clock and take her out to dinner one more time, or send her flowers, or tell her how much I love her…but I can’t because she is gone. I would give it all up for one more chance…one more opportunity.

Looking back there were so many times that I took my mom for granted, so many times I blew off her advice or rolled my eyes at her. I don’t know, I guess I always assumed she would be there for me through all of the ups and downs in my life, worrying about me, caring for me. But one horrible day she was gone, that was it and I was heartsick…It was to late, to late to say the words I wanted to say to her for so many years …to late to do the things I wanted to do with her…Oh what I wouldn’t do to have her back again, if only to say the things I never got the chance to say.

I was going through some things that I had kept over the years that my mom had given me. In this box was a handwritten note from her that she gave me on graduation day. She had found this list in an article she was reading and wanted to make sure that these were the things that I would one day share with my kids. To this day I cherish this list and want to share it with you as well. I only hope that one day my kids will cherish these words as much as I do today.

I gave you life, but can’t live it for you.
I can give you directions, but I can’t be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but can’t account for it.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I can’t decide for you.
I can offer you advice, but I can’t accept it for you.
I can give you love, but I can’t force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I can’t make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I can’t force you to show it in return.
I can advise you about friends, but I can’t choose them for you.
I can tell you about drinking, but I can’t say “no” for you.
I can warn you about drugs, but I can’t prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can’t achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I can’t force you to be gracious.
I can pray for you, but I can’t make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I can’t give you eternal life.
-Author Unknown

So my advice today…no matter how old you are, if you are still lucky enough to have your mom in your life…Tell her how much you love her. Tell her how much you respect her. Tell her how much you appreciate her. Say it…show it…EVERYDAY…because some day it may be to late.

Are romantic comedies ruining our romantic relationships

I hate to admit this but I must confess that I am a hopeless romantic, a sucker for any movie or TV show with a romantic edge to it. It is this attribute in me, I believe, that has totally warped my idea of how to hold onto a successful romantic relationship. This theory then leads me to ponder this question… do you think the “romance” we see in the movies and on television can really exist in our lives or does movie screen romance place unachievable expectations on real life romance? In other words, do we expect our lives and relationships to be like those of the characters we see in the media, and if we do, does this mean we are setting ourselves up for failure?

Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, pure romance, the kind of romance that looks good, knows what to do and says the right things, the kind of romance where sex just happens without planning or communication. These are the kinds of partnerships that put the pressure on “normal” people, not paid actors, to have successful romantic relationships. But the reality of it is, these romantic relationships can’t really sustain the test of time? Or can they?

I believe we should be able to have successful romantic relationships, but the kicker is we have to be realistic about the expectations that are involved. Very rarely do the sparks fly immediately, very rarely is there an instant connection…more often than not romantic expectations are developed over time by two people. Movies do a great job of allowing us to believe that the excitement of a new relationship last forever and that committed love exists from the moment people meet, but the truth of the matter is these qualities usually take years to develop between two people. I honestly don’t know how I really feel about this…should I feel manipulated or pissed about it? I don’t know. I do know I loved those few movie moment romantic experiences that I have had in my life, but seriously, can I really blame these romantic comedies for my past and present relationship mishaps?

I would be lying if I said I didn’t watch these movies with the secret desire to someday find a man like that or with the thought that somehow my marriage will be as wonderful as that. But what I have come to realize is that these movies always seem to be all about the beginning of the relationship and then stops after the couple states their undying love for each other. Where are they five or ten years later? They end up exactly where we want them to end up, in this fantasy world we have created for them in our heads. We, women especially, tend to dream up the awesome, often unrealistic endings to these movies…ones that we would want out of our own relationships.

But if you look at it from the other side, do we really want to see movies about realistic relationships? No, that would be boring and in the end it wouldn’t really take us away from our own problems. Realistic relationships aren’t good for the movies, but they can be good in real life. But they take work! Lots of work! Lots of work from both people involved.

So my advice is this, if you are lucky enough to experience those few “movie romantic moments” in your life…don’t hold on to them to tight and don’t expect them all of the time. Because if you do, I believe that your disappointment will just get in the way of your real life.

Do you ever wish you were the people sitting at the table next to you

It is 10:15am and it is already one of those days. You know, the kind when nothing seems to be going your way. I hate these kinds of days. These days are few and far between, thank God, but when they do happen, I struggle to get through them with a smile on my face. However, today is going to be different…I’m going to complain about it here on my blog and then I’m choosing to move on and not let it get me down. I will continue on as if today were the best day ever and see how that works for me!

So here is the lowdown…

2:00am- computer starts making weird noises, I secretly wish the noises would go away, but it doesn’t work. I get up to turn it off…I hate interrupted sleep in the middle of the night.

3:07am- alarm mysteriously goes off…this must be Gibson’s payback for making him sit in time out yesterday. (mental note, never put Gibson in time out close to my alarm clock)

5:17am- the last time I remember looking at the clock before falling into a deep sleep

6:30am- alarm goes off for the official start to my day and I can’t seem to get my butt out of bed

7:15am- I drag myself into the shower and realize that the conditioner and soap that I had bought the day before are still on my dresser

7:18am- the shower water turns completely cold (note, I still have a head full of shampoo)…this sucks, must complete shower with ice cold water.

7:22am- hop out of completely cold shower only to remember that clean towels are still on the dryer downstairs.

8:10am- Electricity goes out, right in the middle of drying my thick ass hair…put hair in semi wet ponytail and head to work.

8:45am- arrive to work fifteen minutes late

9:02am- crack a smile when I realize that my boss won’t be in until after lunch

9:37am- Log in to Face Book to get my morning fill on all of my friends…only to find (2) friends have had babies, (1) crush is in a relationship, and (1) ex boyfriend is engaged to be married…all within the last 24 hours…

Seriously, could this really be happening? How come when my life seems to be on a bobsled ride to nowhere, my friends lives seem to be on an uphill swing to funville? It just doesn’t seem fair. Not that life is fair, believe me, I, of all people, am completely aware that life is not fair. I guess I’m not really asking for fair, I’m just asking for a break, a break in the mundane of being a hardworking single mom trying to raise two awesome boys. When do I get that payoff? When do I get to be happy and have fun? When is it my time to get what I want out of life?

Don’t get me wrong…I am so happy for these changes in my friends lives. My friends that are having babies have both struggled for years to have babies and I couldn’t be happier…but it secretly makes me want to have another baby, I can’t help it, it just does! My “crush”, that is in a relationship, is like a stab in the back. We have been out a few times but were just at different stages in our lives…his stage, you might ask…he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he wanted to just go out and have fun…six months later he is in a relationship. My ex-boyfriend…one of the many reasons we broke up is because he says he isn’t the marrying kind…two years later he is engaged to be married…huh, clearly he is the marrying kind!

It just doesn’t make sense…life doesn’t make sense. How come we always want what we can’t have and then when we finally get what we want, we find out it’s not really what we wanted? Is life really intended to be this hard…this complicated? Maybe it is and I am just not willing to accept that yet. I guess I have no choice but to plow through day by day and enjoy the good things that I have as well as the good things that may come my way…because the reality is that life is way to short to sit back and just let it pass me by.

Ok...that's it...that rant is over...here is to better days ahead...nothing but smiles from here on out!

They grow up way to fast

FACT: I hate the first day of school!

FACT: It is still summer!

FACT: I hate not hearing the sounds of laughing kids in my backyard!

FACT: I want Hamilton and Gibson to stay young forever!

FACT: I love their new haircuts!

FACT: Their teachers better be nice!

FACT: It is impossible to lick your elbows! (just threw that in to see if you were really paying attention...now stop trying to lick your elbows...trust me, you can't do it unless you have a tongue like Gene Simmons)

FACT: I'm sad that Hamilton and Gibson are getting older...letting go sucks!

FACT: That's life, isn't it?

FACT: They don't look like this anymore and that is just something that I will have to eventually accept!

Oops, I did it again

Many of you will be saying, “oh no she didn’t” shortly, but yes I did! I know I swore I would never do it again, but I couldn’t help myself. And low and behold I am only 24 hours in and already regretting my decision. You are probably wondering what it is that I have done…I’m almost too embarrassed to admit it. Yep, I did it, I finally took the bull by the horns and have officially become a member of Match.com again…for the 2nd time…I’m not proud, but it is what it is. Why not, right?

Once I hit the submit button on my online application, I had flashbacks as to why I hadn’t done this again after my first horrible experience with online dating. Mainly I didn’t sign up again because online dating sucks! I know, I know, your brother’s cousin’s nephew’s dad met someone online. It does work for some, but not for everyone. To the contrary, I also know happily married couples that have met at a bar. People meet in all kinds of places. That's my justification anyway!

After much thought I realized I stopped online dating because it seemed to give me a daily dose of negativity. Most of the time when I would view a profile of a man I might like the opportunity to get to know, chances are the ideal partner he thought he was looking for had qualities that I didn’t possess. Qualities like, his ideal partner is younger than me, his ideal partner lives closer than me, his ideal partner has no kids, his ideal partner wants kids, you know the cookie cutter kind, from the ground up with no pre-existing relationships. So pairing down the profiles of the men who are fine with my age, accept that I am a parent, do/don’t want more children of their own and love the zip code that I live in, only leaves me with a few dozen profiles to search through. And the reality is that I’m lucky to find one person out of that batch of profiles that I would even think of communicating with. So you get the negativity/depressing part now?

Anyway, my friends didn’t let this stop them from encouraging me for years to give it another try, but I could never do it. Oh, I would log on and look over the years but the faces were still the same. Still the same goof balls…still the same players…still the same noncommittal freaks that think they are all that! Because the reality of it is, I didn’t need an online service sending me daily messages that there were very few men who want a woman like me, and that there are many men who think that they want someone very different than me. It’s a depressing thought and I don’t believe that this reflects real life.

After all, chemistry and attraction is something felt by the whole self (body, mind and soul) in real life; it can’t be articulated in checkboxes and online profiles. I know that! So this probably leads you to the question…why now? Well, why not now. Nothing else I am doing seems to be working for me so why not sign back up for my daily does of rejection! I’m a new woman…in a new place in my life…willing to see where this new adventure takes me. And lucky for you…I’m sure it will produce many good stories…I just checked my inbox and have 150 winks and/or emails to go through in the first 24 hours…this is bound to produce something funny for you all to enjoy. Now off to find my Prince Charming!

40 before 40

OK...I am officially out of my funk! Well, I wouldn't really say completely out of my funk, but enough to get back into the spirit of writing. Of course it helped that I found this list this weekend when I was tackling the much ignored task of cleaning out my closet and office. I wrote this list on April 1, 2005...3 months after my ex walked out the door never to return.

I think at the time my self worth was next to nothing and I felt like I needed to set some goals for my life so that I wouldn't get consumed in all of the negativity that was surrounding me. I was actually surprised at how many of the items I was able to check off. Of course there are a couple of items that I'm sure I won't ever be able to check off...but we won't discuss those. And true to my nature...I have included some side bar comments that came to mind as I was reading these for the first time in over four years.

1. Have another child...seriously, I don't ever remember having that thought until just recently

2. Get into the best shape of my life...on my way there, finally!

3. Swim with a dolphin...DONE

4. Ask out a crush...DONE

5. Wear a bathing suit in public and not feel self conscious...don't know that this will ever happen

6. Go kayaking

7. Open my heart to someone...recently did and it backfired in my face...that will never happen again

8. Help a stranger...DONE

9. Move into a new house

10. Go on a vacation to the beach, by myself...I so need this

11. Go skinny dipping...hmm...don't know what the thought process was behind this

12. Invest in the stock market

13. Read the Bible all the way through

14. Run a mini marathon...NEVER AGAIN!

15. Take a surf lesson...by far one of the most exciting experiences of my life

16. Purchase one piece of nice jewelry for myself

17. Buy and keep a plant alive...I can keep kids alive, I just struggle with plants

18. Take a photography lesson

19. Write an article for a magazine...in the process of doing this one now!

20. Learn a foreign language

21. Learn to golf...DONE

22. Write a book...started but will never be done before I am 40

23. Visit 25 of the 50 states

24. Meet someone famous...DONE

25. Fly a trapeze

26. Take my kids to see Kiss in concert...Hamilton has been once, but Gibson only got to go in utero

27. Get out of debt...DONE...YEAH!

28. Paint something (not a wall, but a picture)

29. Take my kids to Disney...DONE

30. Scan all of my photos that are pre-digital camera

31. Have two months living expenses in my savings account...DONE...YEAH!

32. Go on a multi day hike

33. Buy a piece of original art

34. Make a new friend...DONE, I love doing this!

35. Attend a Super Bowl

36. Go to a movie by myself...DONE

37. Go white water rafting

38. Take a ride in a hot air balloon

39. Spend the whole day in bed with someone I love

40. Master one really cool magic trick...DONE, and it is very cool...ask me one day to see it...you will be very impressed!

Definition of family

I have been in a total funk for the past few days and still can't seem to get motivated to put together an interesting blog post. While I have tried several times and started many articles...I can't seem to complete any of them. So instead of not posting anything, I have asked my very good friend Kim to put together a blog for today. Kim and I have had many discussions as of late about what constitutes a family. The conclusion we have come to is that families come in all shapes and sizes. Most families aren't the perfect families we dream of as kids. Bottom line...family is what you make it! Kim has a very inspirational story, so I asked her to guest blog and share it.

**************************************

As a little girl, I had a very typical working definition of family in my head. Picture the crayoned drawing of a stick mommy, daddy, brother, and me. I found a similar description online. DEFINITION A, we’ll call it:

”…a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of two parents
and their biological children."

That’s a family, right?

As I grew older, I saw my situation for what it was: a drunk, abusive, and distant “father”; an enabling and weak-minded “mother”; a brother who clung like hell to me for support; and no grandparents, aunts, or uncles who would help me. I began to rethink what family meant. “Was this all I got?” I used to wonder. At 18, I moved out and away from what-I-then-called, “my biological sperm and womb donor” (since they didn’t deserve the title of mother and father) and proceeded to make my own way in life, rethinking my definition. I considered myself an orphan.

I lived with a close friend and her parents for a long time and tried desperately to be a part of their family. But, to my fundamental dismay, they also followed DEFINITION A, and I was forever seen as a close friend but never as a true family member. The most status I would ever get was as a quasi adopted/step daughter explained to others in a muted, befuddled manner. So I continued my search.

I met a nice fellow (or so I thought at the time). His family was great! They embraced me with the warmth of the sun. I always felt like an insider. I married this man and had two kids by him. We had a DEFINITION A family for sure which expanded to include all of my in-laws and their children. Unfortunately, that marriage didn’t last.

So now I’m a single mom sharing my two kids with my ex. My ex in-laws still loved me as much as ever and continued to embrace me as family. So, at that time, my family consisted of me, my kids and my ex husband’s family. A new picture came into focus. Digression: For every harsh thought I ever had about my ex, I will say this. He loves our children. So, even though we aren’t together, we separately provide our children with two loving homes. (I wonder what my kid’s definition of family would be…)

So here’s the good part.

I meet (re-met, I should say) this guy. I dated him back in high school and, viciously, broke his heart. But we’re older now. It had been 12 years. He’s single and had never been married. A calm, centered, logical guy without a real care in the world. He works, he hangs out with friends, and he lazily reads the Sunday paper every weekend. He can afford whatever he wants. And then he reconnects with me.

I describe myself as the tornado that took out his trailer park. I am this loud, opinionated, bossy (at times) Latina who is also full of romance and love. We fall in love. But there is an issue.

That damn DEFINITION A!

What about his dream of starting a family? How will he get along with my kids (who, at the time, were 2 and 4)? What role will he play in their development and discipline? How will he feel about being around my ex’s family who I love with all my heart? How will his family feel about being around my ex’s family? How can we make this work? Will we have kids together? What will this all look like?

But I had assets: Being a single mom is no walk in the park. I offered him:

•"Time in" meaning (unless we chose to have more) he had 18 - X years before the kids would go away to college which meant a quicker time frame for having serious couple time again. I told him if he did want to have kids, he would know I am a good “breeder” and can make cute kids.

•The benefit of already knowing what my kids looked like; their health status; their mental capacities; and their personalities. They could walk and talk and he could get to know them right away. As an added bonus-he missed the baby years. He had no butts to wipe. No sleepless nights with a newborn.

•The fact that I (and all single moms) rock! We know how to multi-task big time: our job; our kids’ needs; their school activities; the house; the bills; the laundry; pets; our social lives (if we get one); etc. We can do it all. Single moms know how to do it all on fumes! We are very efficient!

•And my #1 selling point to him was this: I have walked on the dark side. When my DEFINITION A was shattered, I was devastated. Regardless, I had to get my stuff in order pretty fast. I had to be there for my kids. I am a survivor. And one thing I learned from that heart-wrenching process was how to find (what I should have been looking for all along): the right guy. Not the funny guy or the foreign guy or the overly romantic guy or the rebel guy or the mysterious guy. But the right guy who is a balance of everything I need mixed in with what I want. I had to pick a person who is not only good for me but also for my children. So I wasn’t going to play games. Plus, I knew what the warning signs of a troubled marriage were and would avoid them like the plague. Divorced/single people have a perspective that those who have never been married will never fully understand. (Much like a war veteran, I would imagine).

Well, he was in for the roller coaster ride! He said his life before me was boring, meaningless, and without purpose. Well I gave him PLENTY of purpose. So, this is what we did. We let love lead the way. We got married and, in the ceremony, this is what Dave said to my kids as he was putting a necklace with a unity symbol on each of them:

"David, you have acknowledged and accepted that, today, you not only join Kimnfor a lifetime of happiness but also G and A. Often marriage is viewed as the union of two persons. In reality, marriage is much broader. It is always a joining of families. Therefore, we now recognize G and A and their importance."

"David, do you promise to love G and A for all of your days, to treat them as if they were your own, and make them a part of your life?" David: I do.

"Will you protect them with all of your strength, support them with all of your efforts, teach them with all of your knowledge, guide them with all of your experience, and love them with all of your heart?" David: I will.

My ex-sister-in-law coordinated the wedding and my ex-in-laws stood up as my parents. All of my ex’s family was there to support me and my new husband. And now I have two mother-in-laws. And I love them both. And they love each other deeply (if you can believe that).

My husband and I made it work because we love each other.

Was it all smooth as butter? NO. Dave had to deal with my ex husband and his new crappy wife; Dave struggled with what the kids should call him after we got married (dad, Dave, etc.); He had to try to love these kids knowing they would probably always love their biological dad more; and he had to figure out how to incorporate his love for the older two with that of our third child. No. It was not easy. But we did it anyway. He loved me enough to make it work. What is worth having if you don’t have to fight for it? Unlike others, I have worked, sweated, and fought like hell for my family. I wasn’t just born in and got to coast through life singing la-di-da. I actively sought them out, recruited them, maintained them through good and bad, and busted my butt to keep it all going.

CONCLUSION: Because I am much older and wiser, have run the gamut, and am now a family connoisseur, I want to share my new DEFINITION B:

Family consists of people who love each other; support each other; and who may
or may not live together all of the time or be related by DNA but, instead, are
related by the heart and soul. They stand together in times of joy and sorrow
and in sickness and in health for as long as they all shall live.

Ironically the only person who doesn’t nicely fit into this definition is my biological mother. But you can’t always choose your family, right? NOT. Sure you can!!

So, at present, we have three kids, 2 dogs, 1 hetero life mate (my bff) and one of my nephews who stays with us semi-regularly. So that’s 9. We have all Dave’s family which adds in 10 and my ex’s family which adds in 11. And my biological brother’s family adds 4. And my bio mom. 1. Maybe 1/2. That’s a total of 34 ½. I am SO proud of it! Lord knows, I would never have drawn 34 ½ people when I was a child, coloring. But life is three-dimensional and unpredictable and sometimes, through the process, I have had to change and mold to accommodate it. I am so thankful that I broadened my definition or I would have missed out on all the craziness and joy this myriad of wonderful people give me. I am truly blessed. This is my family.

What makes me happy

Oh yes...the blogging world has silly games too...and this couldn't have come at a better time! I am feeling a little blue today and was struggling to come up with some inspiring blog article filled with insight and laughter. But alas...this cam across my desk and took the pressure off. I have been tagged by another blogger. The assignment given to me was to name six things that make me happy and write about them. It may not be inspirational or insightful, but just thinking about these six things has made me a little more happy today...and God knows I needed a little cheering up.

1. Hamilton & Gibson



These two are the lights of my life. There is nothing better than being a parent...no matter what kind of parent it is, single parent, step parent, two loving parents in a committed relationship...it doesn't matter, it is rewarding on any level. They have been on vacation with their dad for the past week and come home tonight and I can't tell you how happy that makes me. Hamilton is my oldest and will definitely be a heart breaker one day. He loves sports, hanging with his friends, reading, and is in no way looking forward to starting school in less than one week. Gibson is my youngest and has a spunk like no other child I know. He has never met a stranger and idolizes his brother. He will try anything once, and unlike Hamilton, is so freaking excited about starting school next week.

2. Blogging



Blogging is usually very relaxing for me. It is often what I resort to when I have thoughts and feelings that I feel like I need to share with the world or get off my chest. I used to journal and after looking back at some of my entries, I felt like I had some good stuff to share. It is very therapeutic for me and sometimes it is what I need to get through the day.

3. Friends



I know a lot of women say this, but my friends truly are the best friends in the world. I have many that help me get through day to day. They are always looking out for me, checking up on me and are the rocks of support that keep me going. I would not be who I am today without them!

4. Boot Camp



I love Boot Camp! This class is the one thing that I look forward to three very early mornings a week. It keeps me active, healthy, and yes, I will say it...sane! And the best part about it is that I am actually starting to see a change in my physique...my arms are beginning to get sculpted and my waist is getting smaller...and this makes me very happy!

5. Dog the Bounty Hunter



I know you are probably saying, huh?, what?, why?...Well, Dog the Bounty Hunter makes me happy because, well, it just does...It's like a train wreck, I can't not watch it. My heart starts to flutter and palms get sweaty if I flip to it when watching TV. The whole gang cracks me up and I can't help that this show makes me smile...that's how I roll!

6. Laughter



And last but not least...where would I be without laughter...after all, it is the best medicine, right? So bring it on people...make me laugh!

To be or not to be, that is the question

Do you believe in soul mates? I didn’t used to. If I were being honest with you, I used to think the whole concept was kind of corny. But recently I have had the opportunity to rethink this theory. I once read that a soul mate is “someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys that fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we are pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of each other. Our soul mate is one who makes life come to life (Richard Bach).” Recently after reading that I thought, wow, maybe I do have a soul mate.

What do I think a soul mate is, you might ask? My definition of a soul mate is someone that you have connected with on a different level than you have ever connected with anyone else. Someone who understands what you are thinking even before you say anything. Someone who makes you feel completely at ease at all times. A soul mate is someone whom you never doubt that they are telling you the truth. This person makes you feel confident, secure and safe in their presence. When you first meet your soul mate you recognize there is something special between the two of you.

With that being said, I believe I have recently met my soul mate, unfortunately for me, he came in and out of my life so quick that I may never know. Let’s call my soul mate “Mr. Show”. Mr. Show and I have known each other for many years, but lost touch for a lot of them. We recently had the opportunity to reconnect and for this I feel very lucky. I remember the first time I saw him again. The air, which was heavy and warm suddenly became cool and breezy...breezy enough to give me goose bumps. I actually remember turning around at this moment and making eye contact for the first time. His response was a huge smile that melted my heart. I honestly had a feeling come over me that I had never experienced before. It’s hard to put into words, but he also had a similar experience.

He doesn’t live locally, so we only had the opportunity to go on a couple of dates before we had to start the old fashioned, Jane Austen kind of communication…emails. Ok, not that Jane Austen had a computer and could actually email, but written communication is the point I am trying to make. Anyway, on the couple of dates, well actually only one, because the first one didn’t count as a date since I invited him to go out with me and my friends…isn’t it only a date when the guy asks you out? Maybe that‘s the old fashioned girl in me…who knows. Sorry for the side banter…anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, our date/dates…were fabulous! Conversation was awesome, continual, interesting…never a moment where we struggled for topics. He was the kind of guy that was genuinely interested in the things I had to say and vise verse. My friends loved him and thought that the connection we had was amazing! We also went on what we both considered to be the best date ever. We had the same sense of humor and laughed constantly. The physical attraction and chemistry was there as well. For those of you wanting detail…it ain’t gonna happen so don’t email me later today to get the scoop. A girl never kisses and tells!

Anyway, my point being, all of the pieces of the puzzle were coming together in such a short time. Once he left we continued on with our communication via email. We got to know each other on a deeper level without allowing the “physical” part of a relationship to get in the way. I believe, this gave us the opportunity to really get to know each other on an emotional level, which to me is the most important thing in a relationship. I always felt like we connected well, had similar ideals, goals in life and were very encouraging to each other. It’s like we were on the same wave length, always on the same page. We accepted each other for who we were and who we wanted to become. Honestly, I had never had this kind of connection with anyone, not even my ex husband.

Unfortunately, that’s where it ended, a couple of great dates and weeks worth of written communication and we hit an impasse that he couldn’t seem to get through. And poof, Mr. Show drifted out of my life as fast as he drifted in. And this saddens me. It also makes me wonder if a soul mate can be a soul mate even though you aren’t proactively a part of each others lives. And if this is the case, then how do you know it? Do you leave the door open in case his dreams don’t pan out? Do you close the door and consider it a fluke? What happens next? I may never know, but this I do know…I have always been a hopeless romantic, a believer in true love, of destined souls finding one another, meant to be together. And that thought, I will hold onto forever…

See what you love, love what you see

Do you ever get tired of people telling you that you need to love yourself before you can find someone that will love you? I used to cringe every time I heard someone say that. Especially right after a guy would break my heart. It was never what I wanted to hear. But you know what…it’s true. And until I really took this to heart, my life was going to continue to be me making the wrong choices in the men I choose to date.

So here is what I did. I spent buko bucks on therapy. There was probably a cheaper way to do it. But it wasn’t until I went to therapy and had a third party intervention that I realized that I do have a lot to offer someone special. It took someone who didn’t know me at all to make me realize that I am a good catch for someone.

My therapist really made me think about me and my life. He would always challenge me and ask me what was keeping me from finding love. My initial thought was, “I don’t know that’s what I’m paying you for”, but then I realized it was a lot deeper than some stranger giving me the answer I had been looking for. The reality of it was that he made me aware that there was something that I didn’t love about me which then made me believe that I was unloveable, and until I figured that out, I wouldn’t find true love.

So there began my quest…my journey to find myself! It was scary in the beginning, but once I started finding the things I liked about myself, it became more and more fun. My first “light bulb moment” was when I realized I was looking for that one person to love in me what I didn’t like about myself. And because of this trait, I ended up attracting people that didn’t necessarily love themselves and then ended up with two negatives. And just like we were always taught as kids in math class, two negatives never equal a positive.

So the first thing I did was create two very short lists, that I call the Rule of Six. The first list was a list (Absolute No) of three things that would prevent me from loving a potential mate and the second list was a list (Absolute Yes) of three things that I absolutely needed from my potential mate. These were things that I considered deal breakers. I believe these are the things that I need in order to have a strong foundation to build a successful relationship. My lists are below:

ABSOLUTE NO
Must be accepting of my kids
Honesty all the time
Values and Morals must be aligned with mine

ABSOLUTE YES
Communication
Unconditional love
Laughter

Once I created these lists, I decided that everything else was negotiable. Of course I have my ideal mate and the qualities he will hold in the back of my mind, but anything else can be a discussion topic. I believe that if two people can communicate, have unconditional love for one another and laugh together then there is nothing they can’t work through.

I also use these lists as a means to not get down on myself if a potential relationship doesn’t work out. A majority of the time it is one of these six things that brings relationships to a head. And if I can constantly remind myself of this, then I don’t struggle as much with the negative thoughts that are constantly running through my mind. You know the thoughts that sneak in and out before you even have a chance to fight them. Thoughts like, I’m not attractive enough, I must be such a loser, How can she find someone but I can’t, what’s wrong with me, why am I so unloveable? Like most people, I battle my “self-talk” daily. I consciously have to remind myself to only say positive things. I tend to have a very harsh inner critic that is sometimes easier to believe.

So bottom line…I had to learn to love myself before I could love anyone else. But it is important to remember that even though I love myself, relationships are difficult and still may not work out, but as long as I stick to my rule of six it’s a lot easier to not let my self talk take over and get me down. I am the only one that is responsible for filling my tank that recharges, reenergizes, and replenishes me. It is irresponsible of me to leave that up to anyone else. And it’s when I leave that up to someone else that I get myself into trouble.

So from here on out, I pledge to not let my self talk consume me anymore! I love myself, and I am a good catch for someone that can appreciate me for me. If someone can’t see that in me…then it’s their problem, not mine!

Pickability

Sometimes I think people remain single because they are just too picky. This thought has made me start analyzing my past relationships. I started wondering if I have just been to picky about the men I have dated in the past? Do I spend more time looking for that one thing that I just don’t like about them, or do I choose to focus on the positives? This question has always been one that I have struggled with. I rationalize this behavior with my theory on cooking. I could look through hundreds of recipes and never find something that I want to make. I am the kind of person that will stop reading a recipe as soon as I get to the first ingredient that I don’t like. It could be only an eighth of a teaspoon of something, but if it is something that I don’t like, I don’t have a problem convincing myself that I don’t need to make that meal.

This “habit” dates back as far as my teenage years. My best friend and I always used to think the cousin of one of our friends was really cute, but I couldn’t get past his feet. He had the ugliest toes of any toes I had ever seen. My friend used to laugh at me and tell me that I was being to picky and that I needed to not let those little things bother me, but I just couldn’t get past it so I choose to never even fantasize about a future with him. I know it’s crazy. I don’t know why I do it, but I can’t help it.

This reminded me of a guy I dated a couple of years ago. Let’s call him Nick. I met Nick at a bar…shocker! And this night was a “first” for me. Because my friends thought I was way to picky, they challenged me to find a guy that I was interested in meeting and make the first move. For those of you that know me, you know this is not how I roll. I don’t hit on guys! I don’t try to pick guys up! I’m still somewhat old fashioned and want to be pursued. But this was a challenge, and I very rarely walk away from a challenge. So I hunted down my “prey”. I chose Nick because he was nice looking, but not overly good looking…I didn’t want to go into this challenge with a turn down…so I chose an average looking guy. He was sitting at a table with another guy and they were being chatted up by two “average” looking girls. I made eye contact with Nick a couple of times and I could tell that he wanted to get rid of the girls who were currently at his table. So I did what every girl would do who was challenged at a bar. I did a shot of vodka, slammed my glass down and went over to Nick’s table, before I lost my liquid courage. I walked up to Nick and gave him a big hug and acted like I was excited to see him and said…”oh my gosh…it’s been years…how are you?” He played right along and we ended up concocting this story that we were long lost friends from High School. The two girls immediately felt out of place and walked away. Nick and I and his buddy Tad ended up chatting the night away. I was so proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and approaching Nick and his friend.

This boldness led to a “semi-long distance” relationship with Nick. It was an exciting time in my life, because Nick used to be a pitcher for a major league baseball team and was currently a scout for another major league baseball team. He lived in another state and would come back to town a couple of times a month. But I would also go and visit him a couple of times a month as well. Nick was always great! He was funny, very social and knew how to treat me like a queen when we were together. I loved hanging out with him…never was there a dull moment!

So what was my problem with Nick, you may ask? I didn’t like the way he packed his suitcase…I kid you not…that was my issue with him. I know it is corny, but it drove me absolutely nuts. Every weekend we spent together he was traveling…either here to my hometown or I would meet him somewhere on the road. So he was constantly living out of a suitcase. His suitcase reminded me of one of those prank cans of peanuts. You know the one that you open and the foam snakes come popping out. Well Nick’s suitcase was similar to that. When he opened it, it was always loaded with waded up clothes. I just couldn’t stand it. He would even give the clothes the old “sniff” test when he pulled them out of the suitcase. Honestly, it made me throw up a little in my mouth. I justified this “issue” by telling myself that if he couldn’t keep a neat suitcase, then he probably couldn’t keep a neat home. And if he couldn’t keep a neat home, then could he really keep a good woman. I know it’s corny, but that’s how I justified it. In the end that was the deal breaker for me. When I broke it off with Nick I blamed it on distance, but in reality, it was the suitcase that I just couldn’t get over.

For every five things I like in most guys I could find one little itty bitty thing that most people wouldn’t be bothered by and let it get to me. I don’t know how to get past this. I mean think about how many times you have run into someone that you nixed, because of something stupid, and who is now happily married, and looks pretty normal. How many times have you walked away thinking that maybe you were to hard on him? Does the way a man packs his suitcase tell you how he will be in a relationship? Does the way a man’s toes look really have anything to do with the type of boyfriend he will be? In the grand scheme of things, the legitimate deal breakers should be differences in things like morals, values, religion, and addictions…not whether or not he can pack a suitcase or get weekly pedicures. I need to do a better job of reminding myself that no one is ever going to be perfect…not even me! Because if I don’t do this could eventually risk pushing the right guy out of my life and not even know it.