I'm just a girl who

I’m just a girl whose first love as a child was books.

I’m just a girl who values relationships of any kind. Whether it be between two friends, a mother and son, or lovers, relationships are on the top of my “most valuables” list.

I’m just a girl who overanalyzes everything to death…I can’t help it…it’s a part of my DNA.

I’m just a girl who sometimes uses my exterior happiness to cover up my inner insecurities.

I’m just a girl who sometimes doesn’t think before I act.

I’m just a girl who sees the good in everyone.

I’m just a girl who wants a man to see her value and fight for her.

I’m just a girl who sometimes jumps to conclusions before I know all of the facts.

I’m just a girl who has been known to be stubborn at times.

I’m just a girl who wants nothing more than the love and support of a man in my life, but knows I don’t need that love and support to be whole.

I’m just a girl who finds comfort in everything being just so.

I’m just a girl who is fiercely loyal to those I love. When I’m in, I’m in 100%.

I’m just a girl who feels like my expectations of people are sometimes too high, yet refuses to settle for anything less.

I’m just a girl who is protective of my loved ones.

I'm just a girl who values quality time with those that I love more than anything else.

I’m just a girl who will move heaven and earth to try and keep a promise, or I just won’t make the promise.

I’m just a girl who appreciates the little things in life.

I’m just a girl who sees the imperfections in people, but loves them anyway.

I’m just a girl who loves it when my friends and family see the imperfections in me and love me anyway.

I’m just a girl who believes that no one is perfect, but thinks that there is definitely someone out there who is perfect for me.

I’m just a girl who will never like cats…and I mean NEVER, so don’t try to convince me otherwise.

I’m just a girl who will fight to the death for someone I believe in.

I’m just a girl who can forgive but not necessarily forget.

I’m just a girl who still believes in being persued by a man. You will never see me making the first move.

I’m just a girl who is a work in progress!

To ink or not to ink

In my almost forty years, I have never seriously thought about getting a tattoo. When I was married, my Ex told me if I ever got a tattoo he would divorce me. At the time, I knew he was kind of kidding, but I could still sense the seriousness in his statement.

But for some reason, I think I need one now.

Do I have to tell you how much I LOVE tattoos on men! A tattoo on the chest is sexy… oh so sexy! And an arm sleeve, humana...humana...humana, that really gets my blood pumping. Although I like this dramatic statement on men, this is not the kind of tattoo I am considering.

In fact, as few as six months ago I would have adamantly denied the thought of getting a tattoo. But lately, I’m feeling like I need a reminder of sorts as to how far I have come in my journey to living the life I want and I know that I deserve. You see, I am in a season of challenge right now in my life, and I really feel like this subtle reminder, in times of stress, is something that could help get me through.

And heck, I’m already divorced so what’s holding me back, right?

It’s not like I want an arm sleeve or a tattoo running down the side of my neck that says “woooowhoooo look at me”. Oh no, I want something oh so subtle, something that anyone could notice if they were observant, but nothing that you could, let’s say, see from the google earth camera without zooming in on.

I want something that represents me in a sense, something that says courage, strength and beauty all in one, because those three words are the words that have stuck with me throughout my journey. Every day I get up and I praise myself with a silent reminder of these words.

COURAGE: this is what it takes to pick up the pieces of the hand, that I have no control over but have been dealt

STRENGTH: this is what I need every day to not take two steps back with every step forward

BEAUTY: this is what my ex ripped away from me and I have struggled so hard to get back. I promised myself that I would never lose this again.

My problem is this. Once I get this tattoo, I am telling my kids that I think tattoos are ok. As adults, I think tattoos are ok, but as kids and teenagers, I’m not a huge fan.

Maybe I will get it and not tell them.

This will give them the opportunity to be observant.

But something inside me tells me they may never notice it.

Because they both have eyes like their dad, and sometimes can’t see what is right in front of them.

Note to self Friday

: Girl…listen to your kids. They know how to relax and enjoy life.

Enjoy your world through their eyes, it will make everyday more special.

And this note to self is brought to you by this conversation that I had with Gibson, my seven year old.

Me: Gibson, what do you want for dinner?

Gibson: A peanut butter sandwich, please.

Me: Do you want jelly on it?

Gibson: Do you know why “Peanut Butter” are the funniest two words ever?

Me: No, why?

Gibson: well, first of all, it starts with “pee” you know like pee…do I have to explain that to you mom?

Me: No…

Gibson: then there is “nuts” you know, like the “family jewels” that Hamilton got nailed in at basketball the other day

Me: (rolling my eyes)

Gibson: then of course there is “butt”…I know you don’t want me to say that word, but you have to admit, it is funny...

Me: (giving a look of disapproval)

Gibson: (laughing hysterically)

Me: well, don’t keep me in suspense, why is the “er” so funny?

Gibson: Because that is what pirates say and what can be funnier than pirates talking about, pee, nuts, and butts?

I had to laugh!

How can you take life so seriously after this conversation?

Blinded by my thoughts

The other day I was reading one of my favorite blogs.

The author of this particular blog is recovering from a broken engagement to a man she dated for seven years. Most people would choose to go through with a relationship/marriage that they knew wouldn’t work out in the long run rather than cancel the wedding all together. But not her, nope, she called off the wedding two months prior.

I think she has amazing courage.

I would never judge people for going through with a marriage they knew deep down inside wouldn’t work. I know several people that this has happened to. I get it! I really do. In fact, if I were being honest with you, there was a little part of me on my wedding day that questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. But it only took me seconds to push that thought out of my mind and never look back! I am so thankful for the great years that I had with the Ex. And who can be upset with a man that gave me two of the most adorable little boys in the world.

I don’t regret my marriage for a moment!

But, that’s not the point of this post.

This particular post is about this woman who wrote an article about a pond full of beautiful swans. She told a story of her Ex asking her about the beautiful swans on her way to work. And she was dumbfounded. Even though she had been traveling the same route to and from work for two years straight she had never noticed this pond full of beautiful swans. So on her way to work the next morning she made a conscious effort to notice these swans. And there they were! According to her you would practically have to be blind not to notice them. But for some reason, she had never noticed their grace, beauty and elegance.

And of course, this got me thinking.

I usually take one of two routes to work, depending on my morning and what my plans are for the day. I am usually in the car for thirty minutes each way. Thirty uninterrupted beautifully spent minutes. Minutes I use wisely by listening to nothing but the wind in my hair, or music that I want to listen to or NPR, NO Radio Disney. And sometimes, if I know I am going to have a very busy day, I even return work calls so that when I get into the office I am prepared to put in a full day. I realized that because of this busyness in my car, I am probably not aware of the things I should be seeing on my way to work either.

So today I challenged myself to be very aware of my surroundings on my way in. And what I realized is that I need a new route to work!

Not only do I pass the Ass’ house, but I also pass the Hot Fireman’s house, I go by Dracula the Douche’s office, as well as Old Balls office (look for this story coming soon), my dentist office and quite often I pass the Ex on the way out of his neighborhood.

It’s no wonder I can’t move on. I am reminded daily of the crazy dating life I just left behind.

I think today I will take the long way home.

Hot to trot on Thanksgiving

Have I ever told you guys how much I love Thanksgiving? It is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. Turkey, football, wine and family…I can’t wait! I look forward to it every year almost as much as an eight year old does Christmas morning.

This year I am hoping to partake in the Drumstck Dash prior to stuffing my face with Turkey and wine. It’s a local 5K race. I don’t run. I hate to run. But I signed up for the 2011 Mini Marathon that takes place in May and I need to get my ass into shape sooner rather than later, right? It’s only going to be thirty-five degrees windy and rainy on Thanksgiving. I’m predicting some major huffing on the inhaler and a bout with bronchitis next week.

Good times!

And then once I finish the run I will huff it over to the other side of town for a delicious dinner with my mom’s side of the family. My dad usually goes to my brother’s house, but I don’t want to balk tradition. Spending Thanksgiving with my mom’s side of the family is a tradition that was started before I was even born, and I plan to stick with this tradition until I die. My grandma just turned 92 and I love spending time with her. I think my dad gets frustrated that I don’t spend Thanksgiving with him and my brothers in-laws, but I just never know when it will be my grandmas last Thanksgiving, and I want to enjoy her as much as I can.

So I’m sticking with tradition!

I will end the afternoon with my absolute favorite tradition. Yep, you guessed it, NAPTIME! Care to join me?

The only thing that I hate about this holiday is that I usually don’t get time with my kids, but I’m ok with that.

Now, let me explain.

I could ask my ex for time with our kids on Thanksgiving and he would happily obliges, but he gets so little time with them because of his crazy work schedule. So I try to accommodate him when I can. Thursday’s are his days to spend the entire day with Hamilton and Gibson. He looks forward to it. My kids look forward to it.

Again, why mess with tradition? It's just one day...

As we approach this Thanksgiving, I am reminded yet again of how lucky I am for all of the other wonderful things, besides my family, that I have in my life.

Things like:

1. Showers. I know it’s strange, but that’s often where I get my best ideas.

2. The entire frozen food section at Trader Joes.

3. Modern plumbing, bathrooms and toilet paper…enough said!

4. Being able to appreciate the weird things that people do. Yesterday on my way to work I saw a guy dressed in a banana costume in the car next to me…it made me giggle.

5. Unexpected text messages, they usually brighten my day.

6. When the batteries die in noisy toys.

7. Being felt up by a TSA agent on my way out of town…hey, I’m single, I will take what I can get.

8. The moment I realized that I have no idea what I did before the Internet.

9. When someone else makes me a salad…they just aren’t the same when I make them.

10. That I still have what I like to call “dreamers disease”.

11. Real life conversations.

12. Moments when I have the clarity of thought to acknowledge that I can’t control what happens in my life– only how I react to what happens, hence my post yesterday.

13. Twizzlers.

14. Freshly sharpened #2 pencils.

15. That the turkey isn’t our National bird

16. The snuggie. I know it’s cheesy, but it sure keeps me toasty! Maybe I will wrap up in that for the Drumstick Dash…

17. Expensive jeans..

18. The laughter of my kids.

19. Contact lenses…one day of wearing my glasses this week and I’m already going nuts.

20. 80’s music. Is there any other kind?

21. Logic.

22. Mad Libs with my kids.

23. Fresh flowers for no reason at all.

24. The ability to forget those few extra pounds, because according to my kids, it’s those few pounds that make me so cuddly.

25. My future.

Happy Thanksgiving…Gobble! Gobble!

Relationships anonymous

Hi my name is Julie and I have high expectations of men.

A good friend sent me an email last week and suggested this topic as a post. Her email started off by saying, “don’t take this personally, because I AM NOT talking about you, but…”

So how could I not think she was talking about me?

I know she was talking about me and I am not offended by it one bit whatsoever! She thinks that sometimes our (and by “our”, I know she means me, but generalizing myself with the entire population makes me feel like less of a tool) expectations of the opposite sex may be so unrealistic that we are probably letting potentially good matches slip through our finger tips.

I know she is right.

I know I have high expectations of men.

But I can’t help it!

Last week alone I let one potentially good guy slip off the radar because I just didn’t feel things between the two of us and quite frankly, I didn’t really have the energy to nurture a new friendship and get to know him on a deeper level either.

I know this is mean, but it’s the truth.

I feel bad, because he seemed like a perfectly good guy. He seemed normal. He had a good job, was a hard worker, was always interested in hearing about me and my kids, and reminded me not to give up on the good guys. I think he was talking about himself when he said that to me, but he just happened to catch me at a bad time, a time of transition. A time in between trying to figure out what happened with one guy who I really liked and the thought of moving on to the next.

I hate the in between!

But If I had to venture an even better guess as to why my expectations of men are so high, I would say it’s because I have a list. I have a list of qualities that my ideal mate would posses. And out of those ideal qualities, I have five that I consider deal breakers:

1. Accept my kids and I as a total package…no ifs, ands or butts about it
2. Be a hard worker…he doesn’t have to be rich, but he has to work hard
3. Values family and family time
4. Holds honesty and integrity at the highest level
5. Is at least 6 feet tall (I know this is shallow…but it is what it is, I’m not looking to be the next Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes)

That’s it.

Everything else in my book is negotiable!

I don’t think that these deal breakers are unrealistic in any way. I don’t think I am asking for too much.

But my problem is this…once I feel like one of these deal breakers is broken, I tend to move on mentally, and when I move on mentally, more often than not, it's over. I never give the guy a chance to explain himself, and I hate that about me. No one is perfect, most of all me, yet I struggle to show grace when I feel betrayed in some way.

And I hate that quality in me even more.

But not anymore!

This is me, turning over a new leaf!

Most of you that know me know that I am all about second chances. But the new me, you know the one turning over a new leaf, is all about third chances too.

In fact, I may be all about fourth and fifth chances if you catch me on a good day.

Note to self Friday

Girl…stop worrying!

Focus on the important things, like your kids, family, and friends, because without them you would have nothing…

…and if you do that, everything else will fall into place!

The Chase

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine, who I will call Adrian. I refer to him as Adrian because to me, he looks exactly like Adrian Grenier. Anyway, Adrian is quite a few years younger than me but we always seem to have really great conversations about the dynamics of men and women in relationships. He appreciates the advice I give him and I definitely appreciate the advice he gives me. There are many times when we both have light bulb moments as it relates to the inner workings of men and women and their relationships.

Our weekly lunches together are often full of comments like “hmmmm” or “oh my gosh I had no idea” or even “I apologize for the entire male/female race”. I love his insight and candidness. He makes me think, laugh and most importantly he reminds me to never ever give up on the male population, because there are still good single guys out there.

In one of our recent conversations, we got on the topic of “the chase”. I have always wondered if it was a myth or if it really existed. Lately, as I replay past relationships in my head I can’t help but think that this does actually happen. You know, once the guy “gets” you he gets bored and quietly disappears into the background and then you eventually never hear from him again.

The pattern is usually along these lines.

1. Boy likes girl
2. Boy contacts girl
3. Girl replies to boy
4. Boy contacts girl many times a day for a long time
5. Girl gets excited because boy is so interested
6. Boy invites girl on dates
7. Girl happily goes on dates
8. Boy continues to flirt and gets to know girl
9. Girl continues to get excited about boy
10. Boy “catches” girl (and by this I mean, he gets to the point internally in the relationship where the chasing isn’t as challenging)…so “catch” can mean a lot of things
11. Girl is happy that things are progressing and starts telling her friends about boy
12. Boy’s contact with girl starts to slow down a little
13. Girl starts to wonder if the boy is still interested, but tries to keep a positive attitude
14. Boy starts contacting girl every other day or so, but no more
15. Girl begins to get frustrated and confronts boy
16. Boy says things aren’t any different for him, he’s just busy
17. Girl believes boy
18. Boy stops calling girl altogether
19. Girl is hurt and can’t help but let it chip away at her self esteem
20. Boy has no clue what he has actually done

It’s sad isn’t it?

It’s sad on both accounts.

It’s sad that men can’t communicate with women their true feelings and its equally sad that women let men dictate the level of their self esteem. Unfortunately, I truly believe this is how we, were created and because of that, these habits we have had for years and years are hard habits to break.

But not this one!

I’m convinced that Adrian has the perfect solution to the “chase” problem. I have never heard anyone with a solution quite like his. However, I can’t give Adrian total credit for it, but I also can’t remember where he heard it from. So as far as this article is concerned, it was Adrian’s idea.

Anyway, his idea is this:

If the woman is a good quality woman, who you enjoy spending time with, and have a lot in common, then the chase shouldn’t stop after the first few dates. He thinks the chase should continue. And by this I mean, once you ask the girl out and she accepts, go out with her get to know her, get to know her for more than just the pursuit. Make sure she is someone that you could see spending quality time with. Then, and only then, chase her into a relationship. Once you are in the relationship, continue to get to know her, only on a deeper level, and then chase her again into engagement. Once you are engaged, don’t let the chase stop…continue chasing her into marriage and so on and so on.

Seems like the perfect solution to me for both men and women looking for love. Obviously this won’t work if the two people involved aren’t looking for the same things! But it seems worth a try!

Quite frankly, I think it’s brilliant!

Now, if I could just find someone interested in testing out this theory with me…

Cleanliness is next to Godliness???

Have I ever told you how much I hate to clean my house? I hate it more than anything in this world. You see, I live in a house with two boys who always have their friends over playing and it always seems to make my house smell like a college dorm!

So I am constantly cleaning.

I’m the kind of person that likes order and cleanliness. My house is never…and I mean never 5 minutes away from being picked up and presentable to let’s say the Queen of England. That’s just who I am and how I roll. I enjoy a clean house.

Unfortunately, the time that I usually put into cleaning my house has been used up trying to keep caught up with work. You see, last week the warehouse that houses our curriculum caught on fire and we lost EVERYTHING during the first week of our four month long busy season. Needless to say there has been a lot of additional stress and additional hours put in dealing with the insurance company, fire Chief, printing companies and students…not to mention the countless hours of editing (that I should have had done weeks ago) in preparation for reprinting all of our books.

As you can imagine, I am under a TON of stress.

And when I’m stressed in one area of my life, I tend to slack in others.

And the area that is lacking now is my house, and I’m torn. I don’t like cleaning, but I also don’t like living in squalor, so this, you can imagine, presents an internal conflict of interest that at times I find very tear-provoking.

I know I mentioned in one of my numerous birthday posts last year that if I had one of these...



...then I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

But I have one of these and realize now that what I really meant to say was, if I had one of these...



...then I promise I would never ever complain about cleaning again.

So please, I beg you House cleaning God’s, send one of these hot boys that like to clean over to give me a little inspiration! If not send someone to buy me drinks…lots of drinks!

Or better yet, just send me him...



...I think he could inspire me to do anything!

Thank you in advance!

Yawn...yawn...yawn

Have I ever told you the story about my thirty minute date with Mr. Yawn? Stop me if I have, or just don’t read this if the name Mr. Yawn sounds familiar to you…whatever, I'm easy!

So awhile ago I met a friend of a friend at a dinner party. This friends, friend, who I will call Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever and I got along great. She was quite a bit younger than me, and for some reason we just clicked. I guess I have that effect on people!

A couple of months after our first meeting I ran into Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever again at a wedding. I was at the wedding as a guest of my friend Brad (you know the one who had the texting party). When I introduced Brad to Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever they immediately clicked as well. Only their connection was quite different than my connection with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever. Yep, you guessed it their connection was my miserable dating life. They laughed on and on all night reminiscing about my dating horror stories. At first I thought it was funny too, then I realized that I was the common denominator in all of these stories. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling so well. I excused myself, went to the bathroom splashed a little water on my face and tried to return to the conversation with a little dignity.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen…this is the conversation I came back to after gathering myself:

Brad: Do you know of anyone we can fix Julie up with? (why do people always think they have to fix me up with someone?)

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: My dad has a friend who has a son. He is too old for me…I think he is in his mid 30’s and is single. I think they would be perfect for each other. (first red flag, when your friend says “her dad” has someone to fix you up with, you know your friends are way to young)

Brad: Make the call!

After talking to her dad, Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever gave me the phone number and email address for Mr. Yawn. I tried to give it back to her with the reminder that I don’t ever make the first move when it comes to dating. I am kind of old fashioned and still like to be pursued. Making the first move, is not in my repritoire. But somehow, and I don’t know how she did this, she convinced me to make the first move.

So, I went against every grain in me, and sent a standard basic first email. I immediately regretted it. Within seconds, I got a reject Mail Delivery System message because Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever had given me a bad address. And I was relieved, because, quite honestly, I just wanted the whole thing to go away. I wasn’t feeling good about contacting Mr. Yawn anyway.

But within minutes of sending the bad email, I got a phone call from Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever.

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “so did you call him?”

Me: “I tried to email him, but some doofus gave me the wrong email address”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “oh wait, his address is Mr. Yawn@yahoo.com, oh wait, maybe it’s gmail.com. How did you spell his last name”

Me: Y-a-w-n, just like you told me”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “try Mr. Yawn@ gmail.com, I think that’s it. Hopefully it will work.”

Me: Hopefully? You do know that emails are like phone numbers, they have to be exact or it doesn’t work.”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: Never mind…try his cell, his number is ***-****

Me: I’m not calling him!

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Keep an open mind”

If there is one thing that I dislike more than being fixed up with a random single guy, whose only commonality with me, is that we are both single, is when the matchmaker makes really no effort other than the initial suggestion. I hung up the phone with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever, me knowing I was never going to call Mr. Yawn and her feeling confident that I was going to call him.

Five minutes after hanging up with Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever Mr. Yawn calls. He was quiet and shy and even a little dry. But he asked if I would meet him for coffee the next day, and I agreed.

The date was really pretty drab until about thirty minutes in when he let out the biggest yawn ever. It wasn’t a “Oh man it’s been a long day kind of yawn” or “I think I may need a little nap” kind of yawn, oh n,o it was one of the most obnoxious yawns I had ever seen…it was so obnoxious that I couldn’t help but wonder if it was fake. It was almost like he was sending a clear message that he was bored and wanted to be anywhere else but with me. I received the message loud and clear and made the move to cut the date short and call it an afternoon.

I found it ironic, however, that he was the one that felt the need to yawn, because he wouldn’t shut up. I don’t think I got a word in edgewise the entire thirty minutes we were together. I listened to him talk on and on about his pets, his job, his hobbies and his car. Never once did he ask anything about me. I just remember nodding and smiling the entire time.

When Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever called me later that day to see how the date with Mr. Yawn went, I had to be honest with her and tell her that it was one of the most boring dates I had ever been on. And then shared the story of the obnoxious yawn.

“Maybe he was just tired” she said in Mr. Yawn’s defense. “You do know that yawning is a bodily function that you don’t have any control over?”

“Yes” I said, “but so is farting, and there is a polite way and an impolite way to do it. It’s not like I would ask my date to pull my finger and be completely obvious about it.”

“Fine” she says with attitude, “just forget about him and move on.”

Months later Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever and I were at a holiday party full of single people and she felt the need to let me know that she had run into Mr. Yawn and shared with me that he was engaged to be married to a great woman.

Me: “Great! He’s a nice guy. I’m sure they will be happy together.”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “He is thrilled. Apparently he met her at the grocery store the same day you two went out.”

Me: “Good for him!”

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Now let’s get you married off.”

Me: “No, no, I’m good” and then just to tick her off, I throw out the biggest fake yawn I can.

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “What’s wrong, are you tired?”

(just of this tired and old conversation, I think to myself)

Ms. Has the Biggest Heart Ever: “Try not to yawn, there are lots of single men here and no one likes a yawner.”

I rolled my eyes, got up quietly and headed to the bar for a cocktail...

Oh the irony…a few more minutes into that conversation and I may have had to lean over and quietly ask her to pull my finger!

I hate being fixed up on blind dates! Stories like these make me happy with my decision to take myself off the "looking" market!

Defining my own happiness

This weekend I attended our annual multi year High School Reunion and as usual, it was pretty fun. As I look back on my years in High School I can’t help but reminisce on how easy life was back then. Some times during those years I remember thinking life was so difficult, but I think if I would have known then what I know now, I would have enjoyed those four years a lot more. I was so caught up in being cool, putting on the right appearances, and talking to the right people that I’m sure I missed out on some great friendships. As I stood around looking at the room full of people Saturday night, I must have said a million times to my friends “I don’t know anyone here”.

At one point in time, a woman came up to me and said “Oh my gosh you haven’t changed one bit since High School” and I had no clue who she was.

And that made me sad.

I spent some quality time with a guy I used to hang out with quite a bit. I will call him Mr. Cocktail. Mr. Cocktail and I had a unique friendship in high school and college and then we just drifted apart as we met other people and married our spouses. I see Mr. Cocktail once a year at these reunions and things just don’t seem to change in his life. I feel sorry for him. He is stuck between trying to do the right thing for his family and being happy and moving on with his life. He just seems drained every time we see each other.

It reminded me that happiness in life isn’t just one long passionate fairy tale. Quite honestly, I think if we experienced that kind of deep passion every day, we would take it for granted, just like we do everything else and life would become vanilla. But there has to be a happy medium. And I think in order to have that happy medium in our lives, we have to have some kind of consistency. And by that, I mean, it is not only important for us to co-exists and share in the life of someone we care about and love deeply, but we must also be able to share in the other side of the equation, the lows.

I have always believed that if you only had a few minutes, hours or days of happiness in a relationship and the rest was woeful, then why go to the extreme to hang onto those few short moments? It’s just not worth it, right? I am reminded of this again as I look back at the Hot Fireman. In one of our last conversations we had about the woman that had called me asking about our status, I told him that I felt sorry for the girl because she was crying. And he said, and I quote, “who the f$*# would cry over me?”

Well for one thing Mr. Hot Fireman. I would and I did. And you have no clue!

You see, from the beginning he said all the right things. Things that girls like to hear. Things that once we hear, we can never erase from our minds. Things like “I think we will be good together” or “I can’t wait to see you again” or “what would happen if we got married one day” or even, “I could see having a baby with you.” Yeah, those are the things that tend to stick in our heads. It’s statements like these that put us on our “happiness high”. And it was statements like these that allowed me to only see the silhouette of the Hot Fireman, because on the outside of this silhouette that I had created for him was a man, who I knew truly liked me, but one that was still being played like a puppet by his Ex Wife and hampering our time together.

Don't get me wrong, I don’t hold that against him in any way, because if my Ex was controlling the time I could see my kids based on his schedule, I would do the exact same thing and jump at every opportunity to see them too.

What I did learn about happiness from the Hot Fireman was that it requires an openness and willingness to put yourself out there, because if you don’t you will only experience limited happiness. And who wants that? We all deserve to be completely happy! No one wants to be held back feeling unsure, anxious and questioning everything. I didn’t want to be dependent on him for my happiness, but felt like maybe I was and I know this because of how horribly I feel now that I am not seeing him anymore. I was making him my only option for happiness and then wondering why I didn’t trust him and wasn’t happy. And that was not fair for him

I realize now that he got the wrath of my old relationship baggage and he didn't even know it.

Rest assured, I will not put off being happy again! I don’t want to be one of those people that places my happiness in the hands of others, and watch my life pass me by while hoping that everything else around me will change, instead of me changing.

I hope one day the Hot Fireman and I can be friends so that I can share this revelation with him and apologize.

In the meantime, I can only hope that he still reads this blog.

News Flash

I am off the dating market...officially!

Woot! Woot! I never thought this day would come.

No, no...I'm not doing anything drastic like listing myself as "in a relationship" on Facebook or anything like that.

Heck, I haven't even met Mr. Wonderful yet.

Let's just say, I am flat out tired of looking for Mr. Wonderful. In fact, I'm almost convinced that he doesn't even exist. I'm definitely convinced that men my age aren't looking for a solid woman, with a good head on her shoulders who is independent, both financially and emotionally, who owns her own home, has no ex baggage and has great kids. No, no...I'm convinced that they all like the drama and the baggage, because I don't have either and I can't seem to find a good guy.

Obviously, I'm attracting the wrong guys and it makes me tired!

Rest assured thought, I haven't given up hope that he will show up on my doorstep one day, and when he does, I will welcome him with open arms. But for now...I'm taking a break looking for him.

I know this new revelation will probably hamper my blog material for a while, and for that, I am sorry. Quite honestly, the thought of another first date just makes me want to throw the covers over my head and hibernate for the winter.

For those of you that are not single, you may not remember what it's like to date. So I thought I would share with you the differences in inner dialogue that men and women go through on a first date. Hopefully this will give you a better glance into my life and you will understand why I just can't do it anymore.

The first minute of inner dialogue for a man on the first date:
Wow! She is pretty. This could be fun.

The first minute of inner dialogue for a woman on a first date:
Wow! he is handsome. This could be fun. I wonder how my hair looks. I hate my smile. I wish I would have worn a different color lip gloss or at least whitened my teeth another day. I hope my butt doesn't look big in this dress. I hope he talks. I will not think about my ex! Man, he smells so nice. Do I smell nice? I wonder if he wants a relationship or if he is just out dating for fun. Stop thinking about the Ex. I hope he calls me tomorrow. What if he doesn't call me tomorrow? I hope he likes my shoes. If he compliments my shoes, I will be happy. My Ex used to compliment my shoes. Does my breath stink? What if he tries to kiss me? I hope he tries to kiss me. What if he doesn't try to kiss me? Dang it, why did I wear this underwear? What if he doesn't like me? Will I be able to tell if he doesn't like me? I wonder what my Ex would say if he saw us together right now? Did I change the sheets on my bed? I hope he pays for dinner. Doh...I can't believe I just chipped my nail polish. Mental note, find a new place to get nails done...and on and on and on it goes.

Now do you see why I am so tired?

Wow

I never do this...I never recommend movies or books to people, because it seems, more often than not, if I like something and recommend it, my friends/family usually disagree with me.

Perfect example...when the Ex and I were married we went to see Pulp Fiction. To me it was one of the best movies I had ever seen. It was by far the only movie I had ever seen that was put together from the end to the beginning. It was a perfect example of postmodernism! And at the time, I loved it. During a discussion the next day with my parents they were telling us how much they hated the movie because it was so violent and backwards. Everything they hated about the movie we liked...maybe it was generational, maybe it wasn't. Either way, from that moment on, I decided not to be the recommender of books and movies to people.

Until today...

This book made me come out of hibernation!



All I have to say is WOW! Once I started, I couldn't put it down. It captivated me from the first page to the last. I highly recommend everyone read it!

Ok...off my soapbox, for now!

It's your party and I'll text if I want to

A couple of months ago I was invited to a 40th birthday party for a friend of mine at a local bar. I’m not much of a party goer so I never RSVP’d to the event. I’m the kind of person that is 100% in if I RSVP and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to commit to going so I didn’t respond.

At the last minute I decided to go.

When I arrived I felt like I was attending a “texting party”. What is a texting party, you might ask? According to the Urban Dictionary it’s a social gathering in which people text those that are not at the party more than they socialize with others in the room.

The party wasn’t officially labeled a “texting party”. It’s not like I got an invitation that read: You’re invited to Brad’s 40th Birthday Party where there will be only texting and no socializing… But as I looked around the room I began to wonder why any of these iPhone, Droid and Blackberry using people even bothered to show up if all they were going to do was text other people.

But more importantly, I wondered why this type of behavior has become so socially acceptable? Why would people attend a party and text those that were not there rather than talk to people that were there?

Quite honestly, I wanted nothing more than to be at home in bed… (sorry Brad…really it was a great party, once everyone warmed up and stopped texting!)

While I was standing by the bar waiting to finish my conversation with a friend (who, by the way, had stopped in the middle of our conversation to read and send a text to someone who wasn’t at the party)I started thinking, what would happen if I had shown up to the party with a mini DVD player, put on my pajamas and started watching a movie? It would have been just as inappropriate as what the texters were doing, right? To me nothing says “I don’t want to be here” more than someone that is texting while in my presence. I recently went on a date with someone who was texting through some of it and it pissed me off!

I can understand a text here and there, but to carry on a complete conversation with one person while in the presence of another is just plain rude! I really hate it when I see groups of people incessantly clicking away on those little itty bitty keyboards like a bunch of journalists struggling to get that hot story in before the paper goes to press at midnight.

The funny thing is that had the recipients of these texts actually been in the same room as the people who were texting them, they would probably be texting other people entirely…

Think about it…it’s a viscious cycle that seems never ending!

Wonder twin powers...activate

Have you ever dreamt about being a superhero?

Have you ever thought that maybe you could save the world from a disaster one day and be an invisible fly on the wall of your child’s first date the next day?

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if you could choose your own super power?

Well, last night I saw a commercial on television for a show about a family that has suddenly realized that they have developed superhuman abilities based on their inadequacies. And of course, as usual, this got me thinking about me and what I would want my superhuman power to be if I had a choice.

I immediately started thinking about the area of my life where I am lacking most. And because I am immersed in the nightmarish puzzle that I like to call the world of dating, I think I would like to develop the ability to decipher the truth in relationships.

You see, I have this sense of empathy for people that seems to do me more harm than good. I like to see good in everyone, which often keeps me from acknowledging the red flags in relationships early on. And because of this empathy I’m the one that usually gets hurt in the long run.

I so wished I would have had this superhuman power to know the truth in my relationship, or whatever it was, with the Hot Fireman. From the get go he seemed too good to be true. I should have gone with my gut from day one and moved on after the first date, but I chose to overlook the giant red flag that I saw that night and gave him the benefit of the doubt, because that’s the kind of person I am. Of course it was this one particular red flag that stuck with me from the beginning and drove me absolutely batty throughout.

I was very clear with the Hot Fireman from the beginning that communication and honesty were very important to me. Now let me clarify this statement. I’m not the kind of girl that uses phrases like “we need to talk”. That’s not the kind of communication I’m talking about. The communication I’m talking about is being open, truthful and honest at all times. Honestly, can you really start a relationship based on lies? No! The other person is going to sooner or later figure it out and then you will just look like a tool.

I won’t go into detail about what my red flag was with the Hot Fireman, but it did stick with me throughout our relationship. And every time he cancelled a date on me, which was ALL of the time, it reared it’s ugly head and I became more and more suspicious of him and his motives every single day. In the end I feel like my suspicions were confirmed when I got a phone call from a strange woman wanting to know what my relationship was with him. It’s a call that I never thought I would get, but was not surprised when I got it.

I may never know what really happened with the Hot Fireman, but because he just stopped calling one day I have no choice but to think that there was more to him than he let on. Which is too bad, because I think he is a great dad and has a lot to offer someone some day. Unfortunately his happily ever after, wasn't going to be with me. I understand that everyone has baggage, and I am a strong believer that there is usually nothing that two people who are right for each other can’t work through, with a little bit of honesty, and trust. He knew that I was willing to be someone he could trust and rely on, but I guess that wasn’t enough…and that makes me sad!

Is that a horn in your pocket or are you just happy to see me

Over the many years that I have been single, I have had a small amount of men approach me out of the blue, but none quite like The Clown. He absolutely freaked me out! In fact he freaked me out so much so that I don’t think I have ever even shared this story with my closest friends.

One Sunday a little over a year ago, I was sitting at a local Starbucks writing and minding my own business when I noticed a gentleman out of the corner of my eye staring at me. Eventually he came over to the table and introduced himself with the following line, “Hi, my name is The Clown and I’m a clown in the circus. Do you like magic tricks?” For the record, I don’t like magic…it is nothing but deception and I don’t like deception in any area of my life.

Anyway, back on track…

I didn’t respond to The Clowns question, instead I diverted my eyes back to my computer. “What?” he said, “everyone likes magic and clowns.”

“I don’t,” was my reply. I don’t know how
much clearer I could have gotten, but he just didn’t seem to get it. Instead he continued on with his "act" and put a stack of blank business cards on the table beside me. I felt like I had no choice but to play his little game and hope that he wouldn’t embarrass me.

“I want to give you my number,” he said, “get ready for this, it’s going to blow your mind.” I was unimpressed with his excitement because somewhere inside of me I knew that whatever was about to happen probably wasn’t going to blow my mind. He interjects my thoughts with “Uh oh, there doesn’t seem to be any writing on these cards.”

This is where I get really uncomfortable. How am I supposed to react to his comment? With shock and awe? Or perhaps I’m supposed to widen my eyes in anticipation. In all honesty, I don’t really know how I am supposed to react to his statement, all I can think about is packing up my things and heading home.

The Clown must have sensed me day dreaming because he suddenly slammed his fists onto the table, grabbed one of the blank cards, ran it through his fingers several times and made some odd typewriter noises. He even went so far as to look worried when he looked back at the card and it was still blank.

He was a crappy actor; patronizing and insulting in a sense. He rolled his eyes, shook his head and said things like, “I can’t believe this isn’t working” over and over again. Turns out this is just a set up and attention diverter for the fact that the trick does work out, just not like you would expect it to. He was just diverting my attention away from the remaining stack of blank cards still on the table.

“Oh what’s this?” he says as he pulls a card from the middle of the stack that had his name and number on it.

LAME…was all I could think. I gave him an uncomfortable smile and diverted my attention back to my computer. Do you want to know what came out of his mouth next? You guessed it, he actually said “so if I leave this with you will you call me sometime?”

As he was feeding me his oh so clever line, all I could think about was our future together, me and The Clown. Would he be the kind of guy that would walk around our house in his underwear all day perfecting his crappy magic tricks? Would our lives be consumed with weird smiles and creepy questions that might be asked over a romantic candle lit dinner? I suddenly pictured him making balloon animals after sex instead of smoking cigarettes or cuddling. I can’t help but think about the classic magic trick, “cups and balls” as an encore.

I know this all seems unfair. I’m sure he is a nice guy and I know that it takes a lot of courage to go up to a woman blindly, but I just don’t see myself being able to get beyond the whole Clown/Magic thing.

In my dreams, this is how I picture the blow off going: “So Mr. Clown, my advice to you is this…keep your magic tricks in your pocket, at least until after the first few dates. A little mystery is a good thing. A lot of mystery is a great thing. You disappearing is a better thing.”

When in reality, all I could think to say at the time is, “Sure, leave me your number and I will call you to book a birthday party.”

He said in response, “or you could call me for a drink,” winked, and walked off.

I gave him a little smile, packed up my computer, threw his business card away and never ever considered hiring a clown for my kids birthday parties again.

Note to self friday

From here on out Friday’s will be known as “Note to Self Friday” here at He Who Laughs Last. And I will start today off with this doozy…

Hey you…yeah you, you know all of those goals you want to accomplish? All those plans, visions and grand ideas? Oh yeah, and that book you are writing…they are all accomplishable!

But you have to let go of that excuse you always use. You know the one “…but I’m a single mom…”

Yeah, let it go and watch your life soar.

Your kids will thank you for it!

More importantly, you will thank yourself for it!

I'm one of those people who...

...loves to laugh and make people laugh, would rather spend a quiet night at home than go out, has to have tons of ice in my drinks, likes to process things, doesn't really care what people think of me, will always be truthful, even if the truth hurts, expects a lot from people, had a training bra at a very very early age, will pick you up when you are down, speaks what is on my mind, doesn't settle, has a firm grip on reality, values a person more than material possessions, wants people to be honest with me no matter how much the truth may hurt, loves a good McDonald's cherry pie, can forgive but not forget, will sacrifice for those that I love, is always on time, has a hard time admitting defeat, thinks about my future a lot, can never find my umbrella when I need it, cries easily, needs nothing more than a smile on my kids faces, hates to be the center of attention, finds it hard to give up on something or someone I believe in, doesn't like to fight, has a hard time saying no, puts my kids first, hits the snooze button way to many times, doesn't take shit from people, demands respect and common courtesy, likes to be missed by someone, loves food, has no time or patience for games, expects nothing less than 100% honesty, still says please and thank you, always tries to see the good in everybody, loves to see you smile, always wants what I can't have...

You can't throw the rope of love to someone who hates ropes

Recently I have been analyzing all aspects of my life from my job, to family, to friendships to relationships and I was reminded many times over not only how great my life is, but also how much it has changed over the years, specifically as it relates to my past relationships. I was reminiscing about how these relationships ended for the strict purpose of trying to find a pattern of some sort. But like normal my ADD kicked in and I got side tracked before I could conclude anything of any significance.

Do you want to know what I started thinking about, what got me side tracked? Dear John letters. Why, Dear John Letters you might ask? Honestly I have no idea, I can’t help that my mind wanders to such topics. All I know is that I just started laughing when I thought about the evolution of a Dear John letter as it could possibly relate to my life.

So, like normal, I thought I would share my twistedness with you…because let’s face it, that is why you are here, you like my twisted mind!

Enjoy!

My tween self

Dear John,

I guess we can’t go to the movies tonight because my dad said no. He said “no dating until you are 16”. I hate him.

You’re Friend, (my dad said we can still be friends as long as we go out in a group that is not coupled up)

Julie

My 15 year old self

Dear John,

You are a tool! Samantha said that you sent her a note during homeroom asking her for a slow dance at the Homecoming Dance. She said no because she knew I would be mad. At first I didn’t believe her because I thought she was trying to make me jealous. But then Carrie said it was true because she saw you writing the note. And then you acted weird to her at lunch.

Don’t ever contact me again!

Julie

My 18 year old self

Dear John,

I’m sorry I can’t go to prom with you. Kent just asked me to go and I have liked him like forever, but since he was going out with Christine, the slut, I didn’t think he liked me back. But it turns out he wasn’t really going out with Christine because when I asked him he was all like, “no way, she’s crazy” and I was like “but she said you were hooking up” and he was like “yeah, well she’s a liar” and I was like “I totally thought so.”

Let’s still be friends…like if you want

Julie

In my early twenties

My love Jonathan,

Hawaii is awesome! My parents are so uncool, but thank God I met some kids my age. Took a surfing lesson. Was told I was a natural. Gonna stay here and “hang 10” with the gang. My parents are pissed! If you ever come out this way stop by my room and I will give you tickets for half priced drinks (as long as Akoni isn’t around).

Aloha,

Julie

In my late twenties

Dear Johnnie Walker,

There is so much about our time together that I have enjoyed, unfortunately the time has come to part ways. I wish I could say that we will still be friends, but that would just be to difficult for me. Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you!

Good-by my love,

Julie

In my early thirties

From: Julie
To: Mr. John Smith
Date: Monday, January 7, 2005
Subject: Joke

Dear Mr. Smith,

Please use this as a request to stop sending me these inappropriate (not to mention chauvinistic) so-called “jokes” at work or you will leave me with no other choice but to forward these emails to Human Resources.

Respectfully Yours,

Julie

My current self

@John76 I’m Sorry, but I’m sure U saw this coming. #breaking up

Dracula the douche

As a special treat, I thought I would make my grand entrance back into the blogging world with a fantastic story about Dracula the Douche. If you are anything like me, this story will leave you completely dumbfounded at the end and probably thinking “oh no he didn’t” to yourself. I honestly don’t know how stuff like this always happens to me. I don’t know if I have “loser magnet” stamped on my forehead or what, but somehow I seem to attract losers like Charlie Sheen does hookers and porn stars.

It all started a month or so ago when my girlfriend told me she wanted to fix me up with some friends of hers. I was open to the idea. I was dating the Hot Fireman at the time, but we had not defined our relationship, so I thought, why not? The first guy she began talking about was Dracula the Douche. He was well known in our community, and not at all my type. You see, his reputation was that of having a huge and I mean HUGE ego, and I can’t stand that. So every time she would bring him up, I would either blow it off or quickly change the subject to one of the other prospects she had in mind.

But this past weekend my introduction to Dracula the Douche seemed inevitable. My girlfriend and I were attending a Halloween Party and she casually mentions that Dracula the Douche is going to stop by the party after the basketball game. I wasn’t overly excited, but thought, why not meet the guy? What’s the worst that could happen?

FAMOUS. LAST. WORDS.

The moment of introduction was upon us…my heart was beating quickly, not only out of nervousness, but also in a “hurry up and get this over with” kind of way. I soooooo did not want to meet Dracula the Douche, but thought if I got it over with tonight I would never have to hear my girlfriend speak of him again.

Even though Dracula the Douche was dressed in full costume, I still recognized him the moment he walked in the door. He had that certain swagger about him. You know the one that some men have when they walk into a room so confident and think that every woman there wants him…yeah, that kind of swagger. He came up to my friend and gave her a big hug. While he was hugging her, his eyes were scanning the room, I’m sure to see if there was anyone there that he knew, but clearly he wasn’t focused on my friend.

She introduced us. He was quiet, not very outgoing, but struck up a very brief conversation before he became distracted by his beeping phone. And by very brief conversation, I mean no more than 30 seconds. Once he put his phone back in his pocket, he excused himself and said that his friend was in the parking lot and he needed to run something out to him and he would be right back. As he passed by me to go meet his friend I got a very uneasy feeling, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it was definitely uneasy. I looked at my friend and said “he isn’t coming back.” She was dumbfounded by my statement and assured me he would be back…but I knew better. This is how douches behave! And I was right, he never came back and never contacted my friend to say he wasn’t coming back.

About ten minutes later I look over at my friend and she was a little teary eyed. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she was just shocked that a man would walk out like that never to return.

I have been single for five years so nothing about the way men behave shocks me anymore! You see, I learned, yet again from the likes of Hot Fireman that most men are afraid of telling a girl the truth. They would rather stop communicating all together with her, or walk out never to return, than to be open and honest. They would rather leave her hanging than tell her they weren’t interested anymore. It’s how men are wired, it’s no excuse and it doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it’s the truth.

I will admit, I don’t enjoy confrontation either, but I would rather confront a man with the truth then leave him hanging. I’m just that way. After all, we are all adults. At the very least, we deserve truth, common courtesy and respect, right?

But never fear…my evening wasn’t a total bust…it got better, much better and maybe one day soon, I will share that story too!

I'm back...

Try to contain your excitement people! I know...I know...it's been way to long. But I'm back and feeling very refreshed, energized, and ready to share my thoughts with you again.

Stay tuned for some exciting posts, like why I think things fizzled with the Hot Fireman, what to do when you lose your laptop at the Atlanta airport, and what happens when you get disrespected by a Vampire.

I promise, I will have a new article up in the next day or two, but in the meantime, please enjoy this priceless picture of my kids dressed up like Napolean Dynamite and his brother Kip for Halloween this year.