Is that a horn in your pocket or are you just happy to see me

Over the many years that I have been single, I have had a small amount of men approach me out of the blue, but none quite like The Clown. He absolutely freaked me out! In fact he freaked me out so much so that I don’t think I have ever even shared this story with my closest friends.

One Sunday a little over a year ago, I was sitting at a local Starbucks writing and minding my own business when I noticed a gentleman out of the corner of my eye staring at me. Eventually he came over to the table and introduced himself with the following line, “Hi, my name is The Clown and I’m a clown in the circus. Do you like magic tricks?” For the record, I don’t like magic…it is nothing but deception and I don’t like deception in any area of my life.

Anyway, back on track…

I didn’t respond to The Clowns question, instead I diverted my eyes back to my computer. “What?” he said, “everyone likes magic and clowns.”

“I don’t,” was my reply. I don’t know how
much clearer I could have gotten, but he just didn’t seem to get it. Instead he continued on with his "act" and put a stack of blank business cards on the table beside me. I felt like I had no choice but to play his little game and hope that he wouldn’t embarrass me.

“I want to give you my number,” he said, “get ready for this, it’s going to blow your mind.” I was unimpressed with his excitement because somewhere inside of me I knew that whatever was about to happen probably wasn’t going to blow my mind. He interjects my thoughts with “Uh oh, there doesn’t seem to be any writing on these cards.”

This is where I get really uncomfortable. How am I supposed to react to his comment? With shock and awe? Or perhaps I’m supposed to widen my eyes in anticipation. In all honesty, I don’t really know how I am supposed to react to his statement, all I can think about is packing up my things and heading home.

The Clown must have sensed me day dreaming because he suddenly slammed his fists onto the table, grabbed one of the blank cards, ran it through his fingers several times and made some odd typewriter noises. He even went so far as to look worried when he looked back at the card and it was still blank.

He was a crappy actor; patronizing and insulting in a sense. He rolled his eyes, shook his head and said things like, “I can’t believe this isn’t working” over and over again. Turns out this is just a set up and attention diverter for the fact that the trick does work out, just not like you would expect it to. He was just diverting my attention away from the remaining stack of blank cards still on the table.

“Oh what’s this?” he says as he pulls a card from the middle of the stack that had his name and number on it.

LAME…was all I could think. I gave him an uncomfortable smile and diverted my attention back to my computer. Do you want to know what came out of his mouth next? You guessed it, he actually said “so if I leave this with you will you call me sometime?”

As he was feeding me his oh so clever line, all I could think about was our future together, me and The Clown. Would he be the kind of guy that would walk around our house in his underwear all day perfecting his crappy magic tricks? Would our lives be consumed with weird smiles and creepy questions that might be asked over a romantic candle lit dinner? I suddenly pictured him making balloon animals after sex instead of smoking cigarettes or cuddling. I can’t help but think about the classic magic trick, “cups and balls” as an encore.

I know this all seems unfair. I’m sure he is a nice guy and I know that it takes a lot of courage to go up to a woman blindly, but I just don’t see myself being able to get beyond the whole Clown/Magic thing.

In my dreams, this is how I picture the blow off going: “So Mr. Clown, my advice to you is this…keep your magic tricks in your pocket, at least until after the first few dates. A little mystery is a good thing. A lot of mystery is a great thing. You disappearing is a better thing.”

When in reality, all I could think to say at the time is, “Sure, leave me your number and I will call you to book a birthday party.”

He said in response, “or you could call me for a drink,” winked, and walked off.

I gave him a little smile, packed up my computer, threw his business card away and never ever considered hiring a clown for my kids birthday parties again.